Endangered-EGO

@OctagonOctopus Well the trauma was in reaction to eternity while being high. The next 6 months where I experienced it, I would describe it as the nothingness without love. It is exactly what is described: eternity, reality being a dream, nothing has substance, no self, no other (all alone). It came at random moments during the day, at the gym, while eating, in class etc. The first time was terrifying, but afterwards it was mostly empty. The fear of it also didn't show up after I stopped experiencing it regularly. Fear of other things came afterwards. I am really not sure. You know that love can elevate your concentration towards something, it's easier to focus on a pleasant sensation than on a neutral one. Fear also absorbs you into what you fear, the more you fear it the more intense it gets, the more you fear it. What's the difference for you between ego curl up and nothingness?

"The dark night of the soul" is often misused to mean nihilistic depression. Well not really misused but there are 2 types of dark nights. The christian and the buddhist. Christian is a nihilistic depression dark night. In the zen/buddhist term, the dark night of the soul, pit of the void, enlightenment's evil twin is the fear of nothingness. In psychology (DSM-V) it is refered to as Depersonalisation/Derealisation disorder. Both "dark nights" can be a result of meditation. However what you're describing is not the buddhist dark night. The only teacher who talks about that is shinzen young, I recommend you watch his videos on the dark night of the soul: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9zIKQCwDXsA&t=1s

Either I don't understand it or some people have a weird solipsistic-idealism worldview. You do know that when you die, your family will continue to live and the world you leave behind will still be. Or don't you believe that? Don't you guys believe that we live on a physical plane? People who say when you die, everything ends, is from the non-ego perspective, because all experience cease to exist. That doesn't mean everything dies literally. Other people don't exist, doesn't mean they are soulless meat-robots, but that the ego made the illusions of a self in other people with a story etc. They do exist and have souls/egos. From the world of formlessness you can use perceive everything as empty, but it might not be a metaphysical truth, just a perceptual experience. Maybe I am misunderstood: People exist, but our ego gives them a story. People seem to not-exist when realising that oneself doesn't exist. That's it. I think this needs clarification. The fact that the world is a dream and empty doesn't mean the forms don't exist.

@Osaid The difference is the perspective and the collective world. @Mu_ Yes of course it is a story, the physical world. This world, no matter how much or few substance it seems to have, we agree that we are here for a limited time, and the dreamed world has stability. Everything is one from the subjective view, but can we agree that we share this, even though we cannot know and this doesn't help on the spiritual path, that we share this dream/world/place with other conscious beings? From a meta perspective.

@Someone here You will only know what you can know.

Oh shit maybe this dream doesn't end with my physical death, FUCK....

@Bodhitree Well it is kind of exactly how I would imagine it. Really funny if you think about it. I would make a world where little creatures play all the time. We have these tiny humans that do different things someone works with teeths (dentists), someone works with eyes, someone works with food, someone works with children, they live in tiny boxes and imitate each other all the time.

@Leo Gura 2 things: 1. Am I the only dreamer on this physical plane? Or is everyone dreaming up their own reality in an infinite amount of parallel universes? I assume you don't believe that the other people are empty shelves. Awakening certainly seems like reality is a dream, and I (ego) tried to change the dream, that of course doesn't work for me. The I that dreams, is this a collective dream where everyone influences a certain part of the dream, or does every soul just dreams something else? 2. If the dream ends when you die, you shouldn't take precautions about your own death, no need to tell your family good bye, no need to keep a small (or big) inheritance for your children. Physical death might not be stopping the collective dream either. So it's either this physical plane is Gods dream limiting itself to this character within the dream, or God limits itself to all the separate entities within the dream. Now Leo claims that it is possible to consciously manipulate the dream, but isn't that what is already happening. The I that wants to manipulate the dream is always part of the dream that is dreamt by the higher self. So this would explain why it's not possible for the dream character to lucid dream, it's just possible for the awakened I. But the awakened self doesn't want anything, it already has everything it wants right? So full enlightenment might not make you so okay with the dream that you don't even desire/think to change the dream, because the lower self would have to be perfectly aligned with the higher self.

Some people/religions assume there is a reincarnation loop, that only ends with enlightenment. Other people/religions assume there is an afterlife, an earthly heaven with trees flowers etc, or an multiple astrals. A different interpretation is a formless pure light/love interpretation of becoming God. I really really hope that none of those is the case. It seems to me that death is simply the cessation of every "thing". I'm okay with that. I am also not sure about the no-thing-ness. Because as far as I saw into it, life is a dream, and waking up from the illusion by dying might mean that there is a "place" with more substance. Maybe ego death is not the same as actual dying. However it's just a memory for me. As far as my interpretation goes is that this pure consciousness incarnates again and again, but does my perspective incarnate? I don't think so, and hope this isn't the case. A drop goes into the ocean and an after being mixed up an other drop is born out of the ocean. So consciousness reincarnates, but not perspectives. Some people claim that after death we can decide to come back or not. I would love to hear the interpretation of someone who considers himself enlightened enough to get it.

Yesterday something came up. I already knew I had mild anxiety for a few years, but damn, I realised I am afraid of everything. I also of course believe my worldview to be true. I fear the known bad things in life, like torture accidents pain etc. I also fear the unknown "bad things" in life, like something happening that I couldn't have imagined. I fear dying and death, and I fear the possibly endless reincarnation loop, karma and afterlife-hell. I fear becoming insane and interpreting a mental disorder with awakening. I fear uncertainity and not-knowing. I fear time and timelessness. I kind of know that all those fears come from mildly traumatic life experiences, but a part of me believes this worldview to be true. Suffering waiting to happen. I simply don't know what to do with those things that come up, I heard this is a normal process but it kind of feels like I am doing something wrong. I might contemplate about my worldview. Especially about the things I don't want to look at. Any tips?

@Arthur8769 The experiences were years apart. It was trauma induced DP/DR. However during the 6 months were I was regularly absorbed by the void, I was often so absorbed by beauty it was incredible, everything was more vivid and intense. If you want to get out of the nothingness, I would recommend not to rebuild a "stronger self" but a loving self. I made that mistake. It made me feel miserable. In case you are interested how I experienced that one-ness heaven, I merged with the feeling of my right hand and asked " What am I if the only thing there is is the hand feeling?" --> Boom ego death, and I slowly glided into heaven for a few days. I am out now, back in samsara Shinzen young would recommend you try to love the experience to death. Watch his video on youtube about the dark night of the soul. He is my favorite meditation teacher.

He is not wrong he is describing some part of the nothingness. It is possible to experience it without love, I had the full blown nothingness without love years ago. The pit of the void, dark night of the soul. I also had another distinct awakening into "Heaven" perfection/love recently. Nothingness without love is terrifying. Or nothingness without One-ness. The mind freaks out. @Arthur8769 Be kind to yourself, ground yourself. Nature is a miracle. If you look for beauty, you will become absorbed by it. beauty in see hear feel. Nature, music, people/animals.

@Slifon I had Kundalini awakening and some mild back issues. I remember my face becoming very hot when the energy pushed threw the tense parts of my spine. So maybe it could affect the uncomfortable sensations of K rising.

@James123 Yeah, well that's the true nature of the self, but maybe it is not ALL there is to the self. Not all there is to the structure of consciousness.

@James123 The buddhist say the 8th jhana is the state of neither being or non-being. Maybe that is what you refer to as "nothingness" "pre big bang". Because you say nothingness, but there is still input during a nothingness awakening. I have heard about people who call the state of neither being or non being "absolute nothing" which is not the same as "nothingness"

It's funny I just asked a question on the forum about an experience I would call infinity. Maybe some of you are able to tell me if I have tasted a drop of infinite consciousness, or if that is something else? I know it is different from the nothingness. It certainly doesn't feel as incredible as nothingness, but that is maybe because I wasn't all the way trough it. (click on the link to see my post) Infinite consciousness or something else? - Meditation, Consciousness, Enlightenment, Spirituality - Actualized.org Forum

I just watched a video about someone explaining his practice, this seems to be very "basic". I learned a lot about letting go thanks to adyashanti, shinzen young and eckhart tolle. There is that "escaping" from something or that "wanting to go somewhere" that is the obstacle between letting go. For example you want to relax, because you want to get away from agitation. The letting go is more like letting go INTO something IN the now, and "not letting a thing go away". Not fighting with something in order for it to go away, is not letting go it's manipulating something for a later result. Letting go is a bad word in my opinion. I would rather use the term harmony vs disharmony. Just realising that you are in a state of disharmony, and accepting the now is a big letting go. There is always thoughts fighting thoughts, something suppressing thoughts, wanting not to think. That often leads to a state of disharmony. Have you noticed that when you completely exhaust yourself with sports or a hard activity, and you are basically KO., if you lie down thoughts just happen and you feel good. That's equanimity. You just don't have to exhaust yourself if you accept the NOW. It's a lot of trial and error in my opinion. I tried to find the right "balance", by forcibly focussing on something and forcibly pushing something away to see both sides of the spectrum, so I know what not to do. Not doing those 2 things is equanimity. It's a HUUUGE instantaneous relief

I sometimes have that experience, and it's distinct from the nothingness and it is definitely part of the source and not really an object of awareness/perception. I wasn't that deep into it yet but it occurs sometimes, longest was probably 10 minutes during meditation. I can in some sense describe the nothingness, the change in perception, but I don't know how I would describe the thing I referred to as infinite consciousness. How I enter it: 1.sometimes I just fall into, I remember having high fever as a child and dreaming about stuff with the "feeling" of "infinity". It's the same infinity (I didn't call it infinite consciousness back then just infinity). or 2. When I fall into infinite space, where there is no up, no down, no forward, no location not nothing, just pure space, and I try to merge with the object of the infinite space, I get that "infinity feeling arising" It basically feels like this wavy energy that is the zooming in on consciousness. The more it is present, the more the Body feels heavy and just every sensation on the Body seems to have no limit. like there is the "heaviness" of the legs, and the heaviness is... not limited, not somewhere, it like the feeling of heaviness can bee zoomed in infinitely. It becomes an immovable thing. I struggle just to explain the effect "infinity" has on the body, because the only word I can use is infinity. It's very strong, it feels like a vibrant energy through my entire being. (Not physical energy like kundalini) Is that what people refer to as infinite consciousness? Are there other methods to enter it, or how can I check that's it's really it and I am not only bullshitting myself. Where can this lead me? I realised that becoming space leads me there, how can I get from infinite consciousness into "infinite nothingness", any tips? I believe it helps to put myself in a deep trance an detach from the Body. A god realisation would be nice lol. (I don't use psychedelicss)

It's a mystery to me if objects of consciousness like memories reincarnate. But consciousness has no properties at all, so the thing that disappears is the same thing that appears through every being. I however am 90% sure that visual memories of ancestors are in your genome. (Epigenetics proved it with fears). Reincarnation of memories without genetics... I am not sure.

Holy shit, transforming pain. Perceiving pain as energy sounds like something the Tibetan self immolation monks were able to do. I will remember what you told me, because I have a strong intention not to harm me physically with spirituality. How long were you sitting? 2 questions out of curiosity: 1. How do you transform the bad pain into warm choclate energy? 2. Would you say that you could, or know anyone who could, be tortured for an undetermined period of time and not suffer physically? Not talking about psychological suffering of having to live life with a limb cut off or being blinded. And KNOWING you can put yourself in a state where pain isn't anything you should be bothered by, doesn't that give you a feeling of power and being indestructible?

Hi guys, I just started to try strong determination sitting. It feels like meditation on pain of Body and mind. It's incredible, the first time I tried it, I was determined not to move, not to swallow and to completely surrender. After 20 minutes the pain became very uncomfortable and the mind started freaking out in waves. But the mind just forgot about it regularly, like after the "oh no I cannot longer do that anymore it's too painful aaaaah", there is just another random thought coming up and the suffering stops for a brief moment. For those who are more advanced than me in that. What things should I look out for, except for the waves of alternatively freaking out and surrendering. Before meditation I used to intent of curiosity to analyse pain and suffering of the mind/body. Do you guys have a few tips and alternative methods? I watchen shinzens video on it. I believe this is a hardcore equanimity training. My goal is an hour, but of course the now-goal is to analyse the pain/discomfort of the mind and body.

@saif2 Yes I got it from shinzen young. I tried to the zooming out, the the pain just seems to stay on the Body part where I observe it. It doesn't increase in other parts of the body, or at least I am not aware of it. Yes, I believe this is the biggest equanimity training there is. Feels like forcing god's grace haha

Update (after 38 minutes of SDS), it's not only the mind that freaks out in waves, but also the pain that intensifies and decreases in waves, with or without mind. It's like I'm just waiting for the decrease seconds after the increase, and that gives kind of comfort, because eventually there is no way out of pain. What I found fascinating is at one point, when the mind was quiet and I was in the waves of increase and decrease pain, i just kind of fell into a state of detached "void" during a few seconds. I wondered where the pain and discomfort went, and then I was back into the waves of pain and mind-freakout. Nothing too incredible, but does this state of surrender have a name?

The story of everything being a story. The paradox of existence. Everything has a base in consciousness. The certainty of uncertainty. Knowing to not know. There is no way out of that is there? Confirmation bias and self deception. I noticed that everything can be viewed and argued differently. The bases assumptions of what we are doing is truth "from inside". But we are not really looking for truth, we are just in a way constantly proving to ourselves that we are wrong until we are certain that we are uncertain. Always finding traps with introspection, and inquiry might be the biggest trap. The core assumption is Consciousness. But for consciousness, truth is not something tangible. I noticed that everyone is so deep within what they are doing, that they just confirm what they want to believe from inside their believe system. "There are no mistakes in the bible, so we will try to 'correctly translate it', because the mistake cannot be from the prophet it has to be in the translation." So I (and everybody else) looks down at people and think "oh look how stupid and full of shit they are" But aren't we doing the same thing, in a meta-way? certain of uncertainty and the story of everything being a story. The deception of self deception. It kind of has positive aspects to it, because I believe I can put myself in "consciously lower" (See how I look down on them, like they do) people's perspectives. What we are doing is practical in one sense, and impractical in an other. There is no such thing as "truth". It is just a word. We are basically just "doing something" and "things happen". I'm both curious and practical. Sometimes reality is that story I was told(/tell myself) and sometimes it isn't. And I am going to stay practical with that. I (again) just wanted to share my thoughts, no questions. I just enjoy hearing your thoughts on that.

Don't mix, and wait 2 weeks in-between substances. No sleeping pills, no antidepressants, no calming meds. That guy took Opioids, benzos and DMT... The worst drug cocktail is Opioids, benzos and alcohol. I guess DMT can also make your system collapse in combination with them. He didn't die from DMT, he died from the mix. To be sure you should wait 2 weeks in-between substances, or even more if the half-life of the substance is long.