Endangered-EGO

@Leo Gura He calls "against existence" evil. I would say that there's no such thing as being against existence. But he sounded pretty sure. Maybe he's just hurt by what people did to him, idk. Nomatter what, Chris langan creeps me out. If he's right I'm terrified. If he's wrong I'm relieved. But how could anyone, be against God, if god is calling. I guess that's how the church brainwashed and fear mongered people for the last centuries.

If the player is god and the game is fueled by "god's will" that's of course outside of our control, then we fully agree with each other's position.

@Breakingthewall the freedom of eternal peace is better than infinite bliss.

@EntheogenTruthSeeker How did you detox?

Damn, I just had an insight during meditation. It's nothing incredible, but it's like a 180° reversal on what I think the path is supposed to look like. For a long time, I've been trying to dissociate from the ego and sense of self that was causing so much suffering. However: I AM that entire parasitical energy that refers to everything that happens. Just me, fighting with me. Somehow I felt like some beautiful-loving being was smiling through my face, whoch wasn't "parasite-me", and shortly after I realised that "I", me was a beautiful energy. I can't put it into words, and I am really confused. Like I am the entire "mind", whatever I do. All these trying was just me trying not to be what I am. Calling myself the parasite and believing I was that emptiness, but I am that trying to get to emptiness. I am the sense of self and I couldn't want to get rid of it, because that's all I AM. Why would anyone want to get rid of himself. Especially if that energetic-self is beautiful/incredible/okay. Just writing down my confused thoughts.

@Leo Gura He's obviously going through a bad time. I get that he was very disrespectful multiple times, but I think he wanted to lash out and had the intention to get banned. Who knows why he did that, but I believe he was so frustrated about that fools errand he got himself into that he wanted someone else to make that decision for him. Ofc that's no excuse for being insulting and disrespectful, and I believe nobody here should have to be the victim of his anger. However, I would love to confront him about how he feels, why he feels that way and how this plays out. I truly believe that his rude actions are a sign of despair and frustration. We can all learn from "how and why" he suddenly acted that way. He holds a grudge against you/us, and I feel like I want to hear more about how he feels. This is ofc not your fault or responsability. If you ban him forever, please share what went on in his mind if you still have contact with him. This just sounds like an act of despair or a sophisticated "cry for help".

@EntheogenTruthSeeker I hope you're right, so you can give me answers I'm desperately looking for, which I'll obviously never find. However, 12 months from now is it gonna be the same? You'll know once you enlighten apparently, but you can delude yourself into believing it so it's a catch 22. "In Pandora's box, hope is the worst thing" -jim newman.

@Leo Gura There's one thing I can't answer. Why would love be anything more than a means to an end? I mentioned: Do we reproduce ourselves to increase love, or do we love, so the species (natural selection) can reproduce itself. Ofc that's idealism vs materialism/physicalism. But I couldn't definitely pick one. Do you have any explanation for why it's more than only a means to an end. (Like fear for example)

Do we experience love to reproduce ourselves or do we reproduce ourselves to experience love? I can't answer that question. But you create those 2 categories, to which you'll never find a definitive answer. Is it a divine trap or a divine present? It is what it is haha.

I'm interested in it too. Have you experimented with blue lotus flower? Some people seem to really love it for the mild high.

@Dazgwny But that kind of has a "taste" to it. Like every other-self has a different color/feeling/smell to it. That's how I differentiate me and other-selves. But I am putting them into my sense of self. @Nahm It's all 3 of them. It's confusing, because it's simple and unexpected. @diamondpenguin I'm not whining and don't be condescending to me with your naivety. @Seraphim Yes, but I am also the resistance, and delusional crazy fighting with itself. It's not like it's something different from me. It's the entirety of it. @BipolarGrowth That's exactly IT! I had residual mechanisms of having to get rid or fix the ego, it's like a wall that splits the ego in 2 and, that wall just broke. Or at least it's transparent now.

I don't want to live. I don't want the pain of dying. I don't want to give my family the grief of loss. I would like to be dead, with the existence of my empty bodymind going on. That gives me only one choice: enlightenment. Unfortunately, it doesn't exist. At least not for me. I tried. I went through the knowledges of suffering more times than I could count. Detox 5 times. Meditations for hours. Always hoping for the next stage. Begging God for liberation. No answer. I have to be honest. This rabbit hole and apparent progress I went through, is meaningless dirt. Shoveling dirt out of a hole expecting to find home or gold. I haven't found either of those things. I don't even want gold anymore. I don't believe home is down there either. I just realised something. I have to stop deluding myself. Everytime I think something is working, I found the magic, or I found the secret to liberation or "I'm close": There's always the 2-step-backwards. OBVIOUSLY the eastern traditions are useless. Probably even more than abrahamic religions and their ridiculous idealistic, dualistic worldviews. I have to apologize for every post I've made on this forum, claiming I had a clue about suffering. Actually I don't. I'm gonna delete the one's I regret most if that's possible on this forum. I recently had an extremely concerning thought about which bridge I would jump off, and that's terrifying me. That's the reason I'm writing this, and I don't want anyone to read my previous advices. Note: Don't worry, there's no real risk of suicide for me. It's just worrying thoughts (about that bridge in particular) and how easy it would be to get there. That's actually terrifying. I have a bed, a home, food, some money. Worst case scenario is I'm gonna stay in bed for 10 years, feeling depressed.

@Flyboy I was in reobservation, unfortunately there's no technique there except not doing anything, because anytime awareness moves it hurts really bad. It's funny, and tragic. It ALWAYS lasts longer than one can handle it's insane. It also seems not to be possible to know that it's a temporary state, it just takes every second of attention, and it always lasts longer than one can handle. It's terrifying. Also it seems that getting out of it is always different, because that phase shows that there's nothing you can do, until you give up everything and then it calms. I doubt that there is any technique that actually helps except letting yourself be tortured into submission. There's nothing I can do to control the navigation of it. It's horrible.

Hey guys, it's been 24hours now. Damn, When I meditate for a long time I go through the knowledges of suffering, and unfortunately it always lasts longer than I can handle. I guess that's called the reobservation-phase. Sometimes It's really bad and I have to stay in the foetal position, and sometimes it's just empty and I am lost lost lost in the emptiness and despair. I guess yesterday it was the perfect middle ground of not bad enough for me to collapse, and not relaxed enough for me to just go on with my day. The knowledges of suffering are always stronger than I can cope with, and I guess that's what's defining the last phase. I always try to "recycle the reaction", but after I'm done. It gets worse and I always lose it in the end. The funny part is I think I'm already in equanimity and then boom it gets worse. I wonder what would happen if I meditated 4 times for 2h in one day. It's insane how powerless I always recognise myself to be. WOW, what did I get myself into.

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@Girzo 2 Things: 1. There's a feedback, so once your mind wanders or your concentration drops, you notice it quicker and in the beginning right away. This stays, even without the device afterwards. You're conditioned to notice the drops quicker. 2. If you want to broaden awareness after reaching a deep concentration state, this device isn't gonna do anything. If you can't reach Access concentration yet, I definitely recommend it. If you can get into it quickly, then I don't. I haven't tried rapid noticing on the device yet, I'd have to try it.

@Avidya @BipolarGrowth @Girzo You guys can give me methods to try, just to see if it would help you. So I can give you more specific details about it. I rarely meditate on one-pointedness anymore, so I don't even use the device... I probably have some promo-code for a few percent off with the subscription, so just ask me of you want to buy it, I'll look for it.

@BipolarGrowth @Girzo Just useful for concentration (1st jhana). Once you get there, there's no more need to have biofeedback. It doesn't help with broad awareness and moment by moment sensory clarity, but I'd have to test it again. If you struggle with one-pointedness of mind ( one pointed concentration), I definitely recommend it.

There's no special methods you can use to get liberated. Suffering teaches you to get away from it. There's no path to eliminate suffering, it's a buddhist marketing scheme. To eliminate suffering there's just: get away from it, and live life as you're supposed to. Working with suffering is like training not to burn yourself with a candle. The longer you put your finger in the flame, the more you should understand that you shouldn't do that. That's true on the level of survival of the body and at the level of mind. Unfortunately our minds are too complicated for it to be easy, that's why there are tools like psychotherapy and antidepressants that fix the unproductive thought-patterns. In the end. Don't put your finger in the flame. The question is when you're gonna learn that you don't have to burn yourself. The path to enlightenment is pointless. It's a process that's naturally happening, spirituality is just accelerating it. Nothing more. Also, I believe it has something to do with the DNA, extraterrestrials implanted in us as an experiment to accelerate evolution. They put complicated minds in monkeys, in order for us to be able to have such an innovative exponential intelligence-boom. But the last part's far fetched though, but not impossible.

@Flyboy Where does it say that exactly in MCTB? I've read it and some parts multiple times. Damn, if I'm not about to reach 4th path, I might chose a bullet instead! I'm all in, I'm sure there's no way back, which doesn't make it easier. I guess everyone needs tl go through a similar phase.

@Breakingthewall Depends on what you mean by deactivation, if it's non-doership or nothingness/emptiness. I did both, but in day to day life it's impossible for me to maintain any state, non doership or emptiness.

@Breakingthewall That reminds me of a zen phrase: "the seeker is the sought". As soon as there's the intention to look for something; either "escape from suffering", "finding the permanent subject" or "the self", the ego-self (as effort) is itself in the way of true presence. Is this (paraphrased) what you mean? Damn I've spent at least 5000 hours meditating, contemplating, reading, listening to podcast, watching videos. I certainly hope thay I'm not a "beginner".

I think there are 2 things that, if not beat suffering, are as strong as it. Those 2 aspects of existence are impermanence and no-self. In EVERY INSTANCE of experience. So I guess buddhism might not be such misleading marketing scheme as I thought.

@BipolarGrowth How could I know I'm biased towards being human. So I would chose human. I'm biased to believe that beimg s chimpanzee is worse than being a human. That's only a belief though.

@Breakingthewall I'm not sure any amount of psychedelics or excessive meditation is gonna do any good except accelerate the process. Which could be good in human-time tbh. But then again. What's the point of quantifying it. I don't know when full enlightenment is going to happen/be. I just have "this" right now.