Shiva99

Last night i finally managed to meditate 50 mins and read for 20mins before sleeping. I also managed to not watch any screens before hitting the bed. Today i woke up and immediately went for another meditation session, followed by a run. I'm feeling unstoppable today. Went to my local coffeeshop again, but couldn't really concentrate myself, as a lot of regulars visit that place, and started talking like crazy. They also saw that i'm a relative new guy in that place, and asked me a lot of questions. Maybe in the future i shouldn't try to jobhunt on my laptop there lmao. Something that i've noticed now that i'm keeping a daily schedule, which is pretty filled with stuff, is that time is flying like crazy. Like seriously, today i woke up at 4am, and right now it's already 1pm. Sometimes i feel like no matter how much shit i get done or how early i wake up, i don't feel like i'm progressing. Patience is something that i definitely need to get because i think a lot of stuff is changing behind the surface, without me noticing it immediately. Also, i don't think that i will keep posting a lot in this journal, as i now sometimes barely have time. Maybe i will start posting updates weekly, or bi-weekly soon.

Might wanna start again friend.

Do you meditate?

Welp. Meditation & reading session in the evening didn't work out again. This is gonna take a while until i'm gonna be consistent with that evening routine. Tomorrow i will try it again. No bullshit mentality. I will fail, fail, fail, fail and fail some more until i don't.

Failed again in my attempt to do an evening session of reading and meditation. Oh well, tomorrow is another day. I'm just going to keep trying until it works out.

I'm going to remove gambling from my focus points, as i'm not thinking about it anymore. It's something i'm over again, which i'm glad for. I hope now i will never do it again. I'm going to replace it with reading. Reading is something i need to focus on more in the upcoming weeks. Main focus points for the upcoming weeks: Reading - Haven't been putting a lot of effort into reading.Right now i'm just reading whenever i feel like it, which is definitely not often enough. I need to allocate time everyday for reading. I think i'm going to get into the habit of reading in the morning firsts thing after meditation while having my coffee. I don't have to read for hours yet, just read a couple of pages everyday and build from there. Get the habit set. Read more if i get in the zone. Meditation habit - I'm consistent with 1 hour meditation in the morning. The evening session is still not working out. It's so hard to meditate in the evening, especially when i wanna do it last thing before sleeping. I'm used to watching some shit on my smartphone before sleeping, and the lack of this is very, very weird and so empty. I will keep trying until my evening session is also set in stone. This evening will be another attempt. Exercise - Getting consistent 4 times a week. Last week i failed to try and run for 4 times a week, but this week it worked out. I slowly wanna build up this habit until i'm able to run every day, because when i run in the morning, my day usually gets kickstarted like crazy. Quitting Porn - Porn is still messing with me. Yesterday i was thinking about it, and also on wednesday. I felt huge resistance towards it, and for some reason had no problem not watching it. Though today i caved in. Definitely will keep trying to leave this behind me. Internet & smartphone usage - Still toning it down drastically, but it's very hard. I'm so used to doing random shit online it's crazy. I'm very aware of my time spent online now, because i'm focussing so much on toning it down. My time spent online is going towards productive stuff, but i'm still wasting time here and there, especially in the evening before sleeping. I should read and meditate instead. 1-2 hours before sleeping i should not use any screens or whatever. Job hunting - Starting to get into the habit of applying and calling temporary agencies. Need to work on not caring about getting rejected, as this is the biggest problem for me now and why i'm putting off looking for a job sometimes.

I'm starting to get out of my comfort zone again. Today i did it by having a coffee at a local coffee shop on my own. I took my laptop with me, and decided to jobhunt a little bit while i was there. It was an interesting experience, especially because it triggered my social anxiety, or what's left of it. Over time i got more comfortable sitting there on my own, and was able to be a little bit productive. I sat down for about 40 mins, and then made the decision to leave. It wasn't hot outside, and my hands were getting cold. All in all it was another good step in the right direction, especially because i had to talk to the waitress and ask her several questions such as the wifi password etc. Situations like these also give me the opportunity to practice talking with women.

Today i'm getting right back at it again. I was annoyed last night, but i'm moving on. In about an hour i'm going to run again. I wonder how well it's going to go. This is the first time that i'm trying to run for 4 days in a week. If this works out without too much pain i'm probably going to keep going like that for the next couple of weeks untill i'm adding in more days. I'm now able to run 3 miles and more without any problems, so starting from monday i'm probably going to increase my mileage 10% every week. I'm not sure what the end goal is right now, but being able to run between 6 and 10 miles over time would be nice. Edit: well that run went better than expected. I almost ran 4 miles today. My knee started acting up a little bit, but i decided to keep running anyways. Over time the ache went away and i was able to finish my run. I have to take a rest day now though, or i will definitely get injured.

Oof... That was a rough job interview, holy fuck. I have very mixed feelings at the moment. I honestly feel kinda bad. I have a bad aftertaste. The interviewer was a woman who almost showed no emotion during the whole interview. Sometimes she smiled, but i could see that it was kinda fake. She wasn't even looking at the camera. She was also questioning my past choices way too much. Like who cares why i made a certain choice 5 years ago... Why not just look at the person that is in front of you today. God i hate such shit. Especially since this was for a temporary job of 3 months, this whole thing didn't make any sense. I was literally getting filleted like a tuna. The only positive thing of this interview is that i've actually done it, even though it wasn't a good interview, at least that's how i feel about it.I also became very aware of why i'm actually dreading job interviews so much, and why i sometimes cancelled interviews last minute in the past. It's the possiblity of rejection that is getting to me. Getting rejected over and over again, when i already have a hard time to apply for a job because i'm still too insecure is not good for me. Sometimes i need a lot of courage to actually call agencies etc. let alone doing an actual job interview. Only getting rejected afterwards is really not good for my confidence. This is something that i have to deal with. I need to contemplate and meditate on this some more. I wish i didn't feel so depressed back when i knew i had to leave my last job, and took it more professionally. I probably would have been applying a lot more, while i was still working there, and it would have been a lot easier to get a next job. This is literally the last time that i find myself in a situation like this. I don't care how bad of a situation i might be in, i will never ever quit a job anymore before i have another one lined up, or when i know i can't stay any longer in a job. NEVER. God i'm so annoyed at the moment. Hope this passes soon. This whole shit is getting in my head too much.

Run was great. Got back home and started messing around with some camera stuff etc for my job interview later today. As i was setting it up i got pretty emotional and started crying seeing myself. I'm becoming proud of the guy i'm becoming. All the shit i've been through, and i'm still standing strong, grinding at it everyday.

Another day, another early morning. Waking up at 4am is becoming easy, and i'm not feeling tired anymore. I guess i'm starting to get accustomed to my sleep schedule, which is nice. I've been thinking about pushing my wake up time back even further, to 3am, just because i can. I love early mornings, especially running early morning. It's so nice and peacefull outside. No traffic etc. I will get my run in for the day soon, and i'm looking forward to it like hell. Yesterday was a rest day, which is always hard for me. I hate not running in the morning. I'm feeling a little bit stressed at the moment for the job interview that's coming up later today. It's kinda funny because it's not even in person, and i'm still stressed out. I never did a job interview online, so that's gonna be new. To reduce my stress i already setup my computer, camera etc and tested Microsoft Teams in advance. I'm coming prepared.

I'm still amazed by how much shit i can actually get done if i don't procastinate and give it my all. I've improved like mad over the past two weeks. Everything is changing very fast. I need to continue on this path. Did a lot of calls today for a potential new job, even though i still hate calling a lot. By doing so, i landed an interview which is set for tomorrow. It's only for a temporary position of 3 months, but it's something, and most importantly it's a job in administration.

I love this song. I love Sia. Her songs motivate me a lot.

This journey has it ups and downs, but i will keep coming back stronger every time untill im dead.

What i learned today: Today i learned that i'm way too insecure when it comes to job hunting and selling myself to a recruiter. The conversations always go well, and the phone calls also go well. For some reason though, i have a lot of stress and anxiety sometimes before making a call. It's not necessary. I'm recording my calls now to remind myself that i don't have to be stressed out, and to see where i can improve. It's crazy how my whole view of myself is warped sometimes. I also learned that phone anxiety is a real thing, and it can be drastic. Maybe i have it a little bit. Some people seem to have it like crazy though. I feel bad for this girl.

Main focus points for the upcoming weeks: Quitting gambling - Still on track. Haven't gambled in almost two weeks. Time flies. I don't even think about it anymore, unless i journal about it here. Perfect. I wish quitting porn was as easy. Meditation habit - I'm consistent with 1 hour meditation in the morning. The evening session is still not working out. It's so hard to meditate in the evening, especially when i wanna do it last thing before sleeping. I'm used to watching some shit on my smartphone before sleeping, and the lack of this is very, very weird and so empty. Exercise - Still consistent 3 times a week. Last week i failed to try and run for 4 times a week, but this week i'm gonna try it again. I slowly wanna build up this habit until i'm able to run every day, because when i run in the morning, my day usually gets kickstarted like crazy. Sleep schedule - My sleep schedule is getting fixed. I've been sleeping at 9pm, and waking up at 4am in the past week. For now this is good, but i should also avoid screens 1-2 hours before sleeping. This will go well with my meditation session in the evening. Quitting Porn - Haven't been watching it for 2 days now. It's still on my mind a lot. It's so weird because i'm literally not even horny. I guess it's just because sometimes i'm just home and when i get tired my mind wants me to watch it and fap. Internet & smartphone usage - Still toning it down drastically, but it's very hard. I'm so used to doing random shit online it's crazy. I'm very aware of my time spent online now, because i'm focussing so much on toning it down. My time spent online is going towards productive stuff, but i'm still wasting time here and there, especially in the evening before sleeping. I should read and meditate instead. Job hunting - Starting to get into the habit of applying and calling temporary agencies. A lot of recruiters are acting retarded at the moment, and have way to high expectations for a stupid position in a grocery store. I guess they want a cashier made of gold. They are also questioning my intentions for working in a grocery store, which is not a suprise. I just want a job at this point.

I love this video:

Main focus points for the upcoming weeks Quitting gambling - Still on track. Haven't been gambling since 13/01. I don't even think about it anymore, unless i journal about it here. Good. Meditation habit - I'm consistent with 1 hour meditation in the morning. The evening sessions are very hard and i almost haven't done any so far. I will try to get this set. Exercise - Still consistent 3 times a week. Tomorrow i'm going to try and run for the 4th time this week. I slowly wanna build up this habit until i'm able to run every day. Sleep schedule - My sleep schedule is getting fixed. I've been sleeping at 9pm, and waking up at 4am in the past week. For now this is good, but i should also avoid screens 1-2 hours before sleeping. This will go well with my meditation session in the evening. Quitting Porn - Haven't been able to quit longer than a day so far. It's weird because i find it so boring and masturbating doesn't even feel good anymore. It's just pure habit right now. Internet & smartphone usage - Toning it down drastically, but still very hard. Haven't been able to succeed in any of my dopamine detox attempts.

Pure raw self-discipline. If you don't have it you're fucked.

Ugh, i'm getting so frustrated. I'm about to destroy my smartphone and laptop. Pure fucking poison that is. This addiction is sooo annoying and hard to get over. Seems like i'm not the only one.

Because i failed to do a dopamine detox last weekend, i'm going to try it again this weekend. Same rules apply. I will start today at 8pm, until mondaymorning.

Another day, another early morning. Woke up at 4am, feeling pretty damn tired. Still need to get used to this new sleep schedule, obviously. I started my first meditation session and it became way too hot in my room. Because of this i had to end my session early (40min). It wasn't a good session. I felt jittery and my mind was racing. It's soo hard sometimes. Sometimes meditating an hour feels like ages, sometimes it feels like nothing. Even though it's hard, it's starting to pay off a little. While reading i'm able to concentrate for longer periods now, which is nice. I think over time this will definitely increase. I hope i can read an hour without getting distracted soon. That would be nice. Apart from this i'm still having a very hard time not doing stupid shit on the internet. It's crazy how fast i'm getting lost in mindless browsing, watching videos on youtube or tv series or whatever. Once i'm in, it's very hard to stop myself, turn off my computer again and do something productive instead. It's almost impossible. If i don't have a plan on what i'm going to do when i turn on my computer, i get lost and before i know it hours have gone by. It's so weird how time seems to get warped whenever i'm on the internet. Quitting this is going to be very hard, but i have no other choice. Everyday i will keep trying to lessen my time online. I have to.

-No screens 1 hour before bed, preferably 2 hours -No cafeïne after noon -No workouts before sleeping, do it early morning -Sleep/wake up at the same time everyday, even at weekends. Watch this video for more tips and crazy insights about sleep:

Things are going into the right direction for the most part. I woke up at 4am again, got my first meditation session of the day in, read a bit and went for a run. Came back and did laundry, cleaned my house. Overall productivity is rising, but the motivation to jobhunt is still lacking like crazy. I just don't feel like looking for a job at the moment, which is bad. I need to get a job, whatever it is, to avoid a huge gap on my resume. I probably need to work at a grocery store or some stuff for a while, earning minimum wage and getting less then my unemployment benefits. It's kinda crazy. The last job i applied to was almost €500 less than the money i'm currently getting from my unemployment benefits. It's not motivating at all. I'm going to have to actually work full time with shitty hours and have a much harder time getting by each month. It's so stupid. Main takeaway from today is that i can get a whole lot of shit done if i put my mind to it, it's insane. Today i'm also one week free from gambling. Feelsgood. I'm almost not thinking about it anymore. I have a good feeling about this. Apart from quitting gambling, i'm also going to quit porn again. In the past i thought porn wasn't really having too much impact on my life, but i have a feeling that it still is. There is only one way to know for sure, and that's to also leave it behind again. I will start from today and try to quit it for good to be honest. I don't think there is anything good coming from it. I might leave out masturbation for a while too. I do it too much without actually being horny, it's weird. I literally just masturbate without being horny but out of pure habit. It's getting out of hand.

David Goggins is my hero. He motivates me so much. His way is radical and definitely doesn't resonate with anyone, but it surely does with me.I first heard of this guy about 2 years ago, and back then i didn't resonate with him at all. A lot has changed since then. I was very wrong about this badass.