Shiva99

5 days ago i had the insight of life being totally meaningless. It was nothing compared to how i saw it before, and back then it was clearly just a concept in my head i was playing back and forth with. This time it was different, and it didn't make me feel as free and relaxed as i thought it would. I honestly am very confused now. I'm starting to think life is a mistake in general. It just doesn't make any sense anymore. Becoming self conscious out of nowhere, being aware of being alive in a human form, surrounded by people you start calling your family and friends, getting bombarded with all this bullshit, conditioning you with fake beliefs etc all out of fear and ego. Pure pain. It's like everyone is trying to hold on for dear life, when it's not gonna work out anyways. Life is pure suffering, and for what? I honestly am completely baffled. As long as you keep deluding yourself that anything is important at all, you get stuck again in this loop, and sure than you don't think about death at all, because you are too busy chasing meaningless stuff. But when you do, it's so dramatic and meaningless. Why do anything? Life is so fragile too. You can get cancer, get shot, killed, have a car accident. There is so much stuff you have no control over... Ofcourse you can give life meaning by constantly sacrificing the present for the future, if you want a nice and decent life, but you can die any second and all of it will be gone. All effort for what? Nothing. Ugh..

Nah, i'm very far behind in life, and i wasted like 9 years of my life playing videogames, going out and getting drunk etc. Sure these were my teenage years, but still. I'm 27 now and i'm still living with my parents. I'm unemployed living on wellfare and having bad luck finding a job, so it's not hardcore really. I can't afford wasting more time, and yet i'm still doing it. I'm not sure how i wanna earn my money, but what i do know is that i'm going back to college next year to study Psychology cuz it interests me, and i will get at least a normal diploma.

Yes and no. Being kind to myself is something i've done for way too long. It didn't get me anywhere. So far im doing: a daily routine of reading, meditation (1h), exercise (running 3-5 times a week), and also chores around the house (cleaning,..). This is still far from where i wanna go though. I still get lazy sometimes and end up slacking, being for too long on the internet. Ideally i wanna get to a place where i don't spent any time slacking. So 16 hours of work a day.

I've already started a while ago. I'm just not giving it my all. I have days where i flow, but sometimes i don't manage to do all the tasks i set for myself, even when they are easy. I think i've been watching the news too much these last days. It clogged my consciousness too much.

Nah, i'm not depressed. In fact i'm in a time where i know better than ever where i would want my life to go. It's just that i don't see the point of it sometimes, because everything is so fragile and unsafe. All my efforts can be undone in a second by something or someone. As i said in my post, i can get a fucked up disease or cancer or whatever and die from it. Lately everyone seems to be getting it. Or be at the wrong spot at the wrong time and be a victim of a terrorist attack or a crazy mass murderer. It's not so rare anymore at all these days.

Start with yourself.

Meditation and mindfulness

I had terrible social anxiety in the past, like 8/10. It was impossible for me to do something as simple as going to the grocery store. Right now my social anxiety is almost totally gone and on worst days 3/10. I chitchat with random strangers now etc. Mindfulness and meditation is huge. Drastically cutting down on my porn usage was also huge ( for me at least). Getting out of my head was the solution to all of this. Trying to be aware of my thoughts constantly day in day out without identifying. Also confronting the fear head on, without resistance. So if i feared going out, i did it anyways. The fear didn't go away at first, but over time you get more secure in it and sooner or later it will become normal like breathing. Also at last, what is very important at the moment you confront the anxiety when going out in public, you need to be very aware of what is happening into your body. Try to watch the madness in your belly like an eagle, and don't judge it at all. Let it be there and allow it as much as possible.

Diet, exercise, meditation & mindfulness.

Yes, there is no set timeframe. One can be in honeymoon phase for 1 month or 5 years. The only factor that can influence how fast this period ends is how much and frequently you contact/see each other from the start.

I think he's referring to spiral dynamics.

This sounds like a classic case of the end of the honeymoon phase. It's normal to have more sex, and be very excited towards eachother in the beginning of a relationship, because hormones are on overdrive. After some time, you start getting used to eachother more, and it will wear off. This might very well be how she is as a person, and you might just have to accept that.

Raisins, all sorts of nuts without salt and avoid roasted ofcs, dates,... Dried fruits and normal fruit.

Very old news. You must have been living under a rock.

Fuck this addiction man. I think i will never be able to quit it. Everything goes so well until stuff in my life starts to improve drastically as a side effect of leaving this addiction behind me. There is always this huge force that comes over me, and it tries to undo all my progress. It doesn't want me to be happy, it doesn't want me to succeed. It doesn't feel safe in this area were everything is going fine. It doesn't allow it at all. I'm not in control of this. It's much stronger than i will ever be. Pure self sabotage demon.

@ajasatya @DivineSoda @Nahm Thanks for the answers. I've also done some research and found a book by Cal Newport, which talks exactly about this problem.

I've realised my attention span is totally rotten. I can hardly focus for longer than 2mins while reading a book, watching a video, or anything like that. This used to be a lot different in the past, but i don't know how to change it. I wish i could sit and read for hours, without getting distracted, or watch a video and actually know what it was about 2 mins after closing it. I catch myself reading the comments more than watching the actual video on YouTube itself. It's getting ridiculous. What can i do besides meditation, healthy diet and regular exercise, which i'm already doing?

The real question is, if you actually have any control on this whatsoever. Porn is a multibillion dollar industry. It's not there to satisfy your needs once and after that be done with it. They want you to come back, and watch more of it, and they know you will, because it's addictive as hell. That shit satisfies your reward circuitry like no other. True poison.

Nothing wrong with sex and masturbation. Porn however, and especially being addicted to it, is pretty fucking bad if you suffer from it. It can ruin your life the same way alcohol or drug abuse does. Too bad it is still not recognized as a serious addiction by the mainstream, and thus it's impossible to get diagnosed. Enough people are researching it, so it will definitely become part of Dsm as an official addiction sooner or later.

This can only be fixed by becoming more conscious. Maybe it is a little bit easier if you don't hang out with them as often, especially in the beginning stages, but in the end that will be an escape, and also a lost chance of becoming more conscious, as things like these have to be dealt with. Also, If you want to find like minded people, you might wanna join a yoga class of some sort or something like that.

I've heard that doner is 90% meat offal , combined with some normal meat. Contains a ton of fat, and red meat, which is never a good idea. It doesn't sound like it's healthy.

Don't watch porn, stop masturbating, and don't do anything sexually for at least 90 days. This will reset your dopamine receptors back to normal. After this period there is a high chance your normal sex drive will come back. Also, if your interests towards the same sex are porn induced they will fade in this 90-day period.

There are no stages.

Are you being honest and open with your therapist about everything? Are you conscious enough during sessions so your ego has small chances to stop you from saying stuff you are scared to say? It's very important. Also, not every therapist/psychologist is the same. If the one you are seeing right now isn't working out for you, simply get another one. It can take a while sometimes to find the right one for you, but it's worth it in the long run. Edit: try to get help and get rid of the debt asap. €800 is not too much, but it can become a shitfest if u ignore it, even for a little while.