Hi all,
I came upon Leo and his videos by accident 4-5 years ago, at the time when I was really fucked up. Porn addiction, laziness, being a doormat etc. you name it. Then the work began. Raising awareness and taking responsibility, and things started going well. Until for the last few years..realized that I fucked up my life situation because I was, "just too good", as people commonly say.. which is a complete bullshit of course lol because that behaviour is coming from fear. I am fucking afraid of EEverything. Which is kind of ironic because I've had a bunch of pro martial art fights. What a fucking ego blow, I'm scared as fuck.
Also I kind of know exactly what to do, yet I don't. That's kind of common as well.. but the thing is, it's like I sabotage myself for a reason that I dont know yet. I've got a vague idea that I'm doing it because I want to hit bottom. I've been on the bottom for fucking years!! The pit is so fucking deep, I just keep falling. I'm in a same depressive state I was few years ago, when I used sleep as an escape. Still do. But I got a job now and kind of work routine so I'm used to being depressed, so to speak. Wake up, "work" and sleep. Literally almost nothing else, and I've put the word "work" in quotes because I mostly drift away and don't do shit, just pretend. Now I feel kind of bad writing this, since I'm "working" lol
I physically didn't do anything for the last 12 months, like almost literally. Done like 50 pushups in total and had 1 running session..can't explain it. It's like I have a switch or a wall inside a brain so to speak which prevents me from doing any physical exercise. I'm also so skinny that I look malnourished. Posture is terrible. Barely eat, once a day maybe.. even less when i smoke weed. Weed is another problem now, I've replaced excessive sleep with it. Just another way of escaping reality so to speak, "I know". I just don't see the point in ANYTHING.
People who matter honestly love me(well not unconditionally obviously) and want to be around me but I've cut off almost all. Speak only to few good friends and that's it.. and even that's on its last legs because I've been avoiding people too much and just don't have the energy or motivation to socially interact. Not speaking to girls because I'm super insecure, even though I'm at least ~8 lol. I feel like I've lost social skills as well during the last few years. Also struggling with emotional problems, I have to be super conscious not to bee a door mat. I also have fantasies of hurting people. I think that if somebody attacked me or something I would literally kill the man and not stop, elbow his fucking face on the ground. Yeah and also I just feel like i don't love anyone. ANYONE. I also became super selfish.
Been like this for last few years and it's getting worse, I just don't know what to do anymore
tnx for reading
