trenton

This song has been heavy to me. This played at my grandpa's funeral. As the song played I remembered the look on his eyes as he got down on one knee and put his hand on my shoulder as he told me to be good. He was afraid that I might end up like my father who ended up involved in gang violence and drug deals. Grandpa had a lot of faith in me and hopes that I could change the fate of the family that had been involved in criminal activity for centuries. I collapsed at the funeral as this song played. I am coming back to the song in search of deeper meaning. I wanted another chance to tell him I loved him but I couldn't have that. I became opposed to emotional bonds because if i let others get close to me it will hurt when they die. I was diagnosed with depression a couple of years later. I struggled with suicidal thoughts for over a decade. I became emotionally numb and I am trying to reconnect to a part of myself I disowned. I felt that I failed my grandpa because he had so much faith in me but I don't have faith In myself. To compensate for my lack of emotional connection to others I turned to pursuing career success, but it is hard to make it as a chess player. My grandpa wouldn't think of me as a failure. He understands that this struggle is just life. I started meditating and releasing my desires and wants. I noticed that my strong attachment to wants actually makes me more miserable. If I have a burning desire that can't be fulfilled it makes me feel like I can never be happy. As I released my desires I felt happier and more at peace with myself. One question I still have is what do I need? What do you think of this song?

@Bazooka Jesus I have a few possible career choices. My first choice has been to become a professional chess player. I have this goal because one, I want to do something and two I am prone to overthinking everything. If I don't pursue becoming a professional chess player then I struggle to rebuild some other purpose from scratch. I struggled with this for years and came up with a few options in psychology, philosophy, and politics. I don't know how to have a meaningful relationship with other people. What makes a relationship meaningful if not some higher purpose? It would be nice if I were still naive enough for the presence of a beautiful woman to be enough to fulfill me. If not that, then what? I no longer believe in romance and I don't see the point.

In this thread I would like to discuss a selfish aspect of my attitude towards relationships. I in fact care very little about emotional bonding. I see little value in loving people for who they are. My attitude towards relationships is that relationships in general are of little value because they do not achieve a broader goal. This could be the attitude that sex and emotional bonding is irrelevant lofty ideals. I only care about what people do for me. If I don't love people for who they are then I treat relationships like a transaction. I don't see how relationships are supposed to get me closer to my goals unless I share common interests with other people. This includes my attitude toward family. I don't feel an emotional connection to others. Whenever it seems that my family can't help me do something like become a chess grandmaster, I spend little time with them and I don't talk with them. Instead I focus on studying chess because that gets me closer to my goal. I thus care about my goals more than I care about people. Part of the problem could be trauma which started my fear of emotional bonding. I have been working on this trauma with a therapist and it seems that my selfish tendency stays in place. emotional bonding feels hollow to me and I only care about advancing myself. I remember a couple of times I felt an emotional bond and I used to love it. Once the fragile illusion of romance collapsed and the man I trusted most died there were no other people I trusted enough to fill the void. The void has stayed ever since. On the bright side I am starting to trust my mom more now. Maybe she can fill the void, but I care more about how she can help me achieve my goals than I care about her. Furthermore if people die it seems like it would be inconvenient. Once again I might be an overly cold guy. Part of it could be depression. What do you think about this selfish tendency to not care about people?

@Felliks you are right about being socially inept. I have been diagnosed with autism. I am used to being misunderstood even by my own family. for example, my sisters can't stand it when I'm blunt and to the point. They find it rude and criticize me for being too honest. It makes me not want to communicate my feelings to others. I then feel trapped and frustrated because of other people. If other people are not reliable for emotional support then I will not be vulnerable for them. I often struggle to see what a happy relationship would look like to me. I fail to see how struggling to find someone who would love me is worth the frustration of being misunderstood. I don't want others to make me feel powerless.

I have been struggling with self-actualization and life purpose for a few years now. During this time I have also been struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts which have been there for over a decade. I have placed a lot of pressure on myself to become someone great, but I always felt lost anyway. One of the consequences of being lost is that I am working as a bag boy at a grocery store. Working at this job makes me feel like I am a failure in life. I often have suicidal thoughts while working. I fight them to the best of my abilities. I finally got them to shut up for a day. Recently, I started thinking about the success of other people. For example, my co-worker was a victim of predatory loaning. She owed over 60 thousand dollars from a college that was shut down over the scandal. I told her about Biden's student loan forgiveness program. She looked into it and it eventually worked. This turned her entire life around. She was promoted to a better position and she is very happy now. I'm starting to view the success of other people as just as important as my own. I hope this takes pressure off of me. I don't need to single handedly uplift humanity for the sake of feeling a sense of purpose. Success is difficult and often seems out of reach. Although I don't personally benefit from the success of others,their achievements are no less important than my own life purpose. I think this new mindset should be helpful.

@An young being I have compared my life to people who have it worse than me. I think no human deserves to suffer like that and I would not want that upon anyone. This should fall into the humane category that you were describing.

The least productive part of my day is after work. I have an active job with a lot of movement. My legs hurt at the end of the day. I lay down in bed for most of the rest of the day. I have improved my diet by adding more fruits and vegetables to my lunch at work and eating salads. I still have a bunch of junk food mixed in with that though. I sometimes blame my lack of fulfillment on my laziness.

@MAHA Maggie I used to be more passionate about chess. I'm trying to get back into it. There are a few problems with this. It is hard to make it as a chess player. I currently make some money as a chess instructor, but not enough to replace my other job. After I went to college I ended up feeling more lost. I tried the life purpose course. Some of my values are open mindedness, objectivity, inner peace, learning, and others. A few other paths I could go down are psychology, philosophy, politics, or math because I'm gifted in math. I see beauty in having well thought out positions and using them to help others.

I have been doing therapy with partial success. I once did a cannabis based gummy that helped. My family is closed to psychedelics, but I know they are effective. I don't have access to psychedelics at this time.

You missed that there was a thread about this a while back. I think most of us can agree that criminal justice should be focused on rehabilitation and prevention. Finland takes rehabilitation to an extreme that seemingly gives an incentive to murder people.

I find this issue eye opening. In America it is very easy for people to sit in the comfort of their homes and call for action against criminals. We do not appreciate how difficult it could be to stand up to criminals or even advocate for justice. The most dangerous gangs can force us into silence should we speak up against crime. There are several videos on these gang wars. The gangs are scattered all throughout central America and they cause people to flee to the U.S. for fear of their lives. I remember there was a video on Leo's blog about the Mexican drug cartels. Next time you want to speak up against crime, I want you to be grateful for how easy we have it in the U.S. Raising your voice is a luxury we take for granted while these gangs force people into silence.

El Salvador didn't have much of a choice. The government was previously forced to negotiate with gangs over the threat of terrorism. There are limited human rights for those arrested, but these policies are wildly popular in el Salvador for a reason. The lesser evil is clear considering how many innocent people were killed because of these gangs. Some of the arrested people were likely forced to join gangs, but the government didn't have many options for pursuing justice. The streets are finally safe and other countries are trying to mimic el Salvador. I think this brutal move was necessary to restore order under a stable government which the gangs threatened to destroy, creating a lawless state. I can see the point that the tattoo suspicion and the gang affiliation are maybe a step too far, but the country is better off now. More innocent people would have been hurt without this move than with this move.

I want you to appreciate how hard it is to make an anti corruption government in these cases. Politicians are afraid to speak against gangs for fear of being assassinated like the president of Haiti. In some countries the government feels forced to make deals with the gangs in the hopes of minimizing violence. Trying to put anti corruption policies in place has gotten people killed. so far nobody is willing to become the president of Haiti for fear of their lives. The government has been destroyed resulting in anarchy. Leo mentioned that this is what happens when the government is gone. The people with the most guns install their own pseudo government and enslave the weak. El Salvador seems to have made the most progress. The mega prisons have helped the economy to recover while finally pushing the murder rates down.

I forgot to mention something else. Usually, we are told that poverty causes crime by making people desperate. In cases like these the opposite is true. Crime causes poverty because the gangs are so powerful that they destabilize the entire economy. It is impossible to run a business if you are constantly held at gun point and robbed with no hope of justice. Criminal justice is what makes business possible. In some countries that successfully fight the gangs there is an amazing economic recovery as the country becomes stable enough to have businesses flourish.

I have been considering a different route for my life purpose. Currently, I am working with a chess in schools program. However, I could do more good for the students if emotional mastery were taught in schools instead of chess. The closest thing to this goal I found is isha inner engineering by Sadhguru. I have considered this route before. I was stumped because I don't know how to change the educational system. If I went to college I think my major would be politics with minors in philosophy and psychology. The problem is, I don't know what to do next. How do I go about changing something like this? I happen to be passionate about this issue because I know that I found something that could prevent suicide. It is a combination of spirituality, psychology, philosophy, and other fields. It may include cognitive behavioral therapy, which has good empirical evidence for reducing self harm. A lot of this came up while I was in the hospital due to withdrawal symptoms from anti depressants. I was able to apply what I learned from this site in a way that made group therapy more effective. This includes a bible study in which I helped a woman who lost both her children recently. I clearly have the potential to go far in this direction, but I don't know how. Should I go to college? Should I join a movement? Should I join isha engineering? Should I do more inner work on myself to be better qualified to teach it? Should I write a book? Should I restructure the educational system? Where do I go with this life purpose?

I did make my own video on emotional mastery. I could make more videos like these.

@flowboy I considered starting my own schools before. That would be closer to the scale I'm aiming for. I'm not as interested in becoming a therapist and working with people one at a time. If emotional mastery were taught in schools it would be a more efficient way of reaching large numbers of people. Learning how to start my own schools would be one way to tie everything together.

@SaWaSaurus I often struggled to bring spirituality and chess together. Part of the problem is that chess gives too much credit to thinking and not enough credit to attention. If you pay really close attention during a chess game you will start to find moves you don't normally consider. As Einstein said, we live in a society that values the servant and forgets the gift. The gift is intuition and the servant is rational thought. Finding a bridge between board games and a higher life calling would be ideal so I don't have to give up anything in the process.

I have been taking medication at night that induces drowsiness. The medication has inevitably become less effective requiring a higher dose. I recently started eating salad with tuna, sweet potatoes, and avocados. The result is that I have been drowsy after lunch and I fell asleep easily. I switched to salad because one of the side effects of the medication is weight gain. This finally pushed me to clean up my diet. At first I started feeling bloated. The bloating has stopped now. If I eat salad at night, then that eliminates one of the problems I have been struggling with for a long time. I can tell there is a lot of room for variety in case I get bored. I felt it would be tragic if the food that is healthy was actually the food I liked, but I was too addicted to junk food to try it. I have been slowly improving my diet for some time. This is my biggest leap yet and it seems to be doing work already.

I have a story to share. When I was in the hospital, there was bible study group. It was there to help people suffering through a crisis and having a mental breakdown. One of the patients was a woman who recently lost her son and daughter. I participated in the bible study. It was easy for me to apply what I learned from other spiritual books and actualized.org to the study. This woman was grateful to have met someone like me. I don't believe in any formal religion, but I recognize that religion can be used to save lives because of the psychological benefits when combined with a good intellectual understanding of spirituality. A drawback is that if a person gets locked into an ideology it can prevent them from holding God as an experience. This has various consequences like religious zealotry. A commonly sited negative of religion is that it motivates wars and genocides. Although there were some religious wars, there were not as many as you think. The true motive for most wars were economic, territorial, and geopolitical. In many cases religion is used as propaganda like in the Russian invasion of Ukraine. It makes it seem like there are more religious wars than there really are because of the war time propaganda. One of the causes of the collapse of religion is the sex scandals. Treating lust as an objective sin backfires horribly. In fact some people become mass shooters because they wanted to kill the women who tempted them. At the moment religion is far from destigmatizing sex. It is starting to happen by allowing priests to marry. This is a start of healthy sex being allowed. In the future I expect religion to evolve so that most of these backfiring mechanisms are resolved. Religious extremism partially motivated the attempted coup on January sixth. Presently Christianity is locked at a low level of development. It leads to literal interpretations of the bible being fused with racist and nationalist ideologies. The prophesies of Donald Trump getting reinstated rallied extremists to attack the capital. Considering the dangers of religious extremism, I think at the moment religion does more bad than good. However, I expect that religion will continue to evolve until most of the problems are ironed out. Maybe in the future religion will do more good than bad. What do you think?

@meta_male I know my sisters are trying to guilt trip me and I don't feel bad about myself.. my goal is not to subscribe to the rules, but rather to know what they are. This can help me to anticipate other people's behavior, allowing me to more effectively navigate social situations. Autism is a factor for me because many of these social games make absolutely no sense to me. There is way too much bullshit, including my sisters trying to guilt trip me while denying their vengeful motives. By the way, they now refuse to discuss my cousin while I'm around. My rule has been made.

I recently made the mistake of violating women's unspoken 'keep this between us' rule. This led to a lot of drama which I naively believed could be resolved. It didn't work. Now my cousin and sisters hate each other even more. Here is the thread for context. This issue got me thinking about what other unspoken rules there might be. Maybe there are other people on this forum who made a serious mistake and learned from it. This should be a more efficient way of understanding relationships so we don't have to repeat each other's mistakes.

I can live without porn. I've seen enough of it to know what it's about. At my current rate I look at porn about once every three weeks. It speaks negatively of my character to admit that I looked at porn, knowing there was corruption like this. I know it is slightly painful for me to quit, but I think it is better for me to grow up than to hurt others by remaining immature. There are a lot of people who feel the need to make excuses for looking at porn despite this knowledge. I don't make excuses. I admit that I looked at porn and did not care about the sex trafficking. Whatever arguments and stories you have, drop them. Just admit you look at porn and you don't care about the ethical issues.

The anti depressants are lexapro. The anti psychotic is zyprexa. Zyprexa is designed to stop the ruminations. I used to be taking Prozac, but that ended in a catastrophe.

I'm confused about the following situation. My sisters were talking behind my cousin's back. I told my cousin about it because I felt he deserved to know. My cousin is grateful I told him, but my sister lashed out at me. She felt that I was going out my way just to hurt her. She was vengeful because she thinks I told the truth just to hurt her, therefore she told me how loving and caring dad was for people other than me. My cousin is now pissed at my sisters and refuses to talk to them. My sisters and grandma think I need to apologize, but I don't know for what. Is this not minding my own business or is it okay to tell your friend that someone is talking behind his back? I told my sister I think this is moral relativism, but she interpreted as I think my point of view is just the truth and she is wrong. I don't think my family will understand my point of view, hence the emotional support feels hollow. so far my older sister is mad at me for not being sorry. My younger sister thinks I'm a liar because of my confused apology. My grandma thinks that this isn't about truth, it's about doing the right thing which is to stay silent if saying something makes it worse. My point of view is that we are all full shit, but pointing this out tears our illusions apart. in my case I'm biased against illusions which I see a lot of. I am now tempted to become quieter and say even less. This would be shameful if I was just starting to open up only to realize that my point of view doesn't matter because it won't be understood. Should I be sorry? If so, what for?