trenton

I want to tell my story to see if someone can learn from it. I have found some useful insights along the way for people with this kind of behavior. When I was young, I originally had no interest in porn. I didn't understand the purpose of looking at it or what it was supposed to do. My grandpa looked at porn and he was caught on multiple occasions because of the search history. My sisters, mother, and grandma freaked out while I just ignored it. In fact I had developed a purity complex due to trauma. I learned to disown sexual pursuits as something of lower purpose and value. The values I imposed on myself were for me to justify my existence through achievement and leaving a legacy. For some time it seemed my integrity had become unbreakable because I had no desire to engage in the inappropriate sexual behaviors of other kids. This purity complex started to fall apart when I hit puberty. I would have more sexual fantasies and started masturbating. I felt some level of guilt and feared being caught. Nevertheless the pleasure was too great for me to resist even with my trauma. At this time I still didn't understand the function of looking at porn. One day, I was watching a show about police. In this episode there was a sexual predator who took trophies from his victims. He would take their hair and panties. He would also take pictures of them tied up and looking scared or while naked. As I watched the show I dismissed this behavior as just weird and wasn't interested in understanding it. However in the next scene a police officer started explaining the behavior. The police officer said that having trophies and pictures of his victims enhanced his sexual pleasure during masturbation. This line stuck out to me. I never was interested in porn, but now I started thinking that if I look at pictures of naked ladies while masturbating, it would enhance my sexual pleasure. I decided that I wanted to try it. The officer inadvertently encouraged this behavior. I started looking at porn and I discovered that the police officer was right. I felt more pleasure while looking at pictures compared to just using my imagination. However, I quickly discovered that I was leaving a trail of evidence behind in the search history. This is how grandpa was caught. I went through the history to delete the evidence while keeping the innocent pages. Deleting the entire history like grandpa did would be suspicious so I needed to learn from his mistakes. This is when I stopped looking at porn for fear of getting caught. For several years I didn't look at porn. However, I one day discovered incognito mode when I was just messing around with internet settings. When I read about incognito mode my brain immediately became interested in looking at porn again. The description was basically an invitation to look at naked ladies. I don't remember how old I was when I started looking at porn again. I looked at a lot of different kinds of porn. I noticed I had a fetish for situations involving an imbalance of power and control. I therefore gravitated toward situations with a group of men having sex with a single woman. It feels embarrassing to admit this, but I prefer to own up to these kind of things. Once I got out of college I decided to pursue self education as I searched for my life purpose. My self education included researching various political issues. I thought through all of my positions carefully trying to be as objective as possible while setting aside my emotions and biases. I used politics as way to self reflect on how selfishness can manifest while trying to commit myself to being as unbiased as possible. One day I started learning about sex trafficking and its relationship to porn. Human traffickers were forcing women and children into prostitution for money and sites like pornhub among others were not doing enough to stop the illegal porn because of the amount of content. Therefore people looking at porn were potentially financially supporting and aiding in human trafficking. Despite being aware of human traffickers, I continued to look at porn anyway. However, I was different from most people looking at porn. I would carefully observe myself and commit to radical self honesty by admitting that I was prioritizing my own sexual pleasure over the victims of human trafficking. I looked at forums debating porn and noticed that most porn addicts were incapable of this level of self reflection. I showed an unusual level of honesty and self reflection by admitting that my behavior reflected negatively on my moral character. Meanwhile people who look at porn a ridiculous amount like multiple times everyday would make really stupid arguments to defend themselves. I was looking at porn about once a week. As I continued to learn about sex trafficking, I increasingly doubted the content I was looking at. I noticed there was teen porn in which the girl looked too young for comfort. I also looked at those gang situations with multiple men and started wondering if that woman was actually being coerced. I realized that I was unable to tell if the porn depicted a legal situation or not. I therefore couldn't tell if I was helping human traffickers or not. Overtime my guilt pushed me to force myself to stop looking at porn. However the temptation to look for sexual pleasure was still there. I had conflicted feelings about this. I haven't looked at porn in about 9 months. I continued my self reflection process through Journaling and observing myself. I recently recognized the flaw in my behavior. I was using the suffering of others to attack my own feelings with guilt. This is a form of emotional self harm and self sabotage. I made this connection through all of my previous studies in psychology and emotional mastery. I realized that so long as I was operating under guilt I could not function optimally. I was still thinking about sex constantly throughout the day, especially in terms of pleasure. It was feeding into the continued temptation to look at porn even though I didn't actually look. I started observing my guilt and shame recognizing I need to let it go. As I let go my mind became quieter. I knew the outcome could be that I go back to looking at porn, but I surrendered to that possibility as well as the alternative that I don't. I paradoxically discovered that letting go of my guilt and shame allowed me to let go of temptation. This is one of the paradoxes of psychology when guilt can reinforce unwanted patterns rather than remove them. It leads to a cycle of distress and relief. It can be like guilting yourself over eating junk food or any other habit. In my case the guilt caused my mind to fixate on sex even more. It reinforced Patterns of shame like my ocd around sexually assaulting people randomly. My mind now feels more peaceful and clear. All of the other self reflection I did makes me feel more capable of loving myself. I am continuing to let go of guilt and shame which is a habit that got drilled into me as a child due to trauma. I hope someone out there learns from my story. What do you think?

@Something Funny if you meant my personal life, then i can give you a real life example. During spring break I traveled to Europe with my sister. We were in London watching street performers. I had done my research, so I was aware that pick pockets targeted tourists who were watching street performers. A couple walked up behind me and my sister. I looked at their faces. They had unnatural smiles. Their eyes were unnaturally fixated on the performers as they avoided any eye contact with me. Their body was stiff and the smiles exaggerated. This is when I felt something was wrong. They positioned themselves such that I had nowhere to run because I was caught between the crowd and them. I couldn't move and now was vulnerable. I pretended to watch the street performers and the loud music. I was silent and listened carefully for any movement behind me. As the song approached the climax with loud noise and excitement, I heard the zipper of my backpack coming undone and felt the vibration through my body. I was bullied a lot in school, so I was sensitive to people trying to steal from me. I immediately took off my backpack saying "I heard that." I placed the backpack between my sister and myself and checked. I found the zipper was opened. I turned around and looked at the couple. They maintained their unnatural smiles even though they were just caught. They pretended nothing happened and walked away. So to answer your question, When somebody seems suspicious, I become extra alert around them and pay close attention for sudden movements even when I seem to have my guard down.

I'll be honest, I mainly identify with yellow even though other people on this forum would think I'm nuts. I tried taking online tests and evaluations for this and I consistently got yellow. I tried describing myself to an AI. I don't know how trustworthy it is, but it also said yellow. Maybe the truth is that I don't really fit cleanly into any category. I might have some qualities of blue, some orange, some green, and some yellow. I view it like 35% yellow, 15% blue, 30% green, 20% orange. Maybe it is some kind of combination like this. Maybe it's actually 20% yellow and 35% orange if you think I mixed things up. But if trump is stage yellow, then I'm stage white super mind.

@Something Funny you are describing a very real problem with how law enforcement functions. Institutions are generally reactive rather than proactive. For example, a teacher at school could be luring children to private lessons. If the school doesn't do anything proactive, then it will not be until multiple children come forward with complaints about sexual abuse even though most of the children stay silent. This is even harder when dealing with someone with a good reputation. if you try to confront someone like this before they have done anything to you, then they will just gaslight you claiming you are paranoid. The frustrating reality is that given how various institutions and law enforcement are structured, there isn't enough done to prevent the problem from arising in the first place. All you can do is protect yourself to the best of your abilities.

I did all kinds of work on myself. I would have done psychedelics had I had access to it. Therapy was slightly helpful. Most of the help came from my own research, self reflection, and insights.

A major game changer for me was learning that my shame was a trauma response and not a reflection of reality and who I am. Intense shame and guilt was a learned behavior from my childhood because it felt less threatening than confronting people who refuse to change. I lived most of my life trying too prove I was worthy of existence through grandiose achievements and a higher purpose at the cost of social connections. Much of my behavior is rooted in intense shame and guilt as if I was incapable of self love. I continue to experience behaviors rooted in learned shame. I'm doing my best to push back against this.

@Buck Edwards that is interesting. I seem to be on the other side of this situation. I had a lot of girls trying to hit on me even though I was quiet, didn't give then any attention, and deliberately ignored them. I gave them no validation whatsoever, yet they were all over me. I don't know why those girls were attracted to me. I honestly found them annoying because I had too much drama in my life to start getting a girlfriend. Maybe you see them as the no nonsense type. They don't play social games like telling you you're pretty because they want to sleep with you. You're not interested in guys trying to play these games with you. You might also feel like you are not worthy of praise from these men because they are so great. They give you something build up to. I would like to understand this phenomenon too. Any idea why those annoying girls won't leave me alone and they keep inviting me to a massive orgy? Sometimes it is sexual harassment and assault as if the goal is to manipulate me. I don't understand how I became the target.

Maybe the users who have children are too busy to spend all this time on the forum unlike those who don't have kids. I don't have kids and don't plan to.

31:05 "I was scared because my baby didn't have a car seat therefore I ran from the police with my baby in the car causing a massive and potentially deadly traffic accident."

I have my own story when I discovered an abandoned child. I was going for a walk when I found a three year old girl crying on the side of the street. I asked her what was wrong and she said she couldn't find her mom and dad. She was locked out of the house. I asked where they were. She said they drove off and said they would be back. I wondered what I should do. I thought we could wait, but I didn't know how long it would take. I decided I would take her outside my house, call the police, give them my address as the location to make sure I didn't send them to the wrong spot, and have them straighten this new out. The girl was afraid to go because she thought she would be killed if she went with strangers. I assured her I would make sure that didn't happen and she trusted me. I called the police outside my house. Once they arrived we told them the whole story. Ultimately the girl was returned home and she seems happy now when I walk down the street. It seems the parents learned their lesson. I never told them I was the 911 caller and I don't think I ever should tell them. That can only hurt me.

The distinction between physical and emotional abuse isn't that clear. For example, punching me in the face could cause me to fear you thus abusing both physically and emotionally. It is a manipulation and control tactic. In some cases emotional abuse can manifest as physical symptoms. For example after being repeatedly abused verbally and emotionally, it could create a situation where you are bottling up your emotions seems like the safest option. This can lead to muscle tightness, muscle spasms, and physical pain. There can also be various chemical reactions in your brain and body due to the fear and anger created. This is why I heard a psychologist argue that emotional violence in a sense is indirect physical violence. I'll let you decide if you agree or not. In my case emotional abuse has complicated my medical treatment. I was prescribed an anti psychotic because I was ruminating on my family situation which made me want to kill myself along with antidepressants which consistently made me feel worse. The medication damaged my liver and didn't solve the problem anyway. I came to realize that the systems around medicine and therapy had failed me by giving me medicine that worsened my condition while therapists treated me as if my lack of coping skills was the problem. I was treated as if there was something wrong with me even though most of attachments were developed as a survival strategy for a challenging situation I was forced to endure. With the threat of continued abuse, no amount books, spirituality, personal development, pills, and coping skills would be enough to give me peace of mind. The answer is for me to get away from the people who refuse to change like my mother and sister. Suicide could be a trauma response to various forms of abuse. My suicidal thoughts stopped when I learned My sister was moving out and I wouldn't have to live with her anymore. The threat of continuing to live with her impacted my decision to commute to college because I would be stuck in the same situation for 6 years of be forced to make an enormous financial sacrifice by living on campus or by spending my life savings on a down payment. Maybe I was spending all this time trying to fix myself, but I wasn't the problem. I also don't like the therapists who sent me back to live with these people due to my history of suicidal thoughts assuming my family would be helpful.

Donald Trump has a lot of horrible plans for how he will make life worse for many millions of people. Usually when I look at politics, I try to focus on education and just analyze issues to understand them. However, I now see Trump is affecting me personally and it started making me mad. I would like to discuss how Trump is affecting my life decisions, and you may share your story too. One of the plans being pushed by Trump is cutting Medicare, Medicaid, and social security. I hope Trump fails due to incompetence, which is likely because republicans have been trying to get rid of social security for a long time and it didn't work then. However, I need to be prepared in case Trump succeeds like republicans did with roe v wade despite it being considered settled law. Originally, my plan was to move to Kentucky the week of January 5th. My medical insurance has expired because I recently turned 26. I was going to work part time at a different store location while using more time to focus on creative writing and see what I can do. This plan depended on getting Medicaid so I could get my wisdom teeth pulled along with continued therapy. If I can't do that due to federal funding being cut, then I will need a different way to get medical insurance. Therefore, I may need to work full time to get benefits even though when I do I start getting pain in my legs. Jobs like these are linked to chronic pain and I don't believe my employer will compensate me for this if it happened. I would have to work 40 hours a week instead which would leave me exhausted, making it harder to maintain all of the habits for personal development and career development. My sleep will be more inconsistent if I work both day and night shifts again. My insomnia makes This even worse because I might burn out. This is why I started telling myself "the good life doesn't come easily and I will have to fight for it." If I could somehow manage this situation working full time and somehow still become accomplished in creative writing, then I would have extra money at the end of it and I would have a more reliable health insurance plan due to Medicaid being cut. It sounds hard for me to do this over the course of the next year, but if I succeeded in this scenario, it would be the ideal outcome. I am having doubts though. Therefore, I may need to get a job that offers benefits at less than 40 hours a week. I did some research and discovered that some jobs offer benefits at 32 hours or even 25 hours a week. I am now starting to realize that my job is worse than I thought. If I find other places to work near me that don't require 40 hours, then I could have 4 8 hour days, leaving me less exhausted and making it a little easier to work on my other goals. Therefore, if I succeeded in either the ambitious plan to do the 40 hours along with the other benefits, or I was forced to get a better job, then my life might actually be better. I would still be mad at Trump for hurting all those other people though, but slightly relieved that my plans worked out for the better despite not being what I originally planned. In conclusion, although difficult to do, the ideal scenario for me is that republicans cutting Medicaid paradoxically makes my life better by putting me in a position to seek more reliable medical insurance and therefore either get a better job or more money from hours while accomplishing all of the other goals in my plan over the course of the next year. The problem with this is that my grandma might also need Medicaid, because she can barely work due to her age. If my grandma dies, then that will be a significant problem that could foil my plans. I will then have to either move back in with the other side of the family which makes me feel hopeless and trapped and sometimes suicidal or finally get an apartment and try to figure things out from there. It sounds like it would really suck because I may have to work full time just to live paycheck to paycheck or worse I will have to become financially codependent on a roommate. How is Trump affecting you personally?

@The Crocodile i have been doing research on criminal psychology lately. I am trying to get into the minds of deeply depraved people who engage in evil acts like some notorious criminals. I'm starting to get a better understanding of domestic abusers who commit assault. I am somewhat beginning to understand child sex abusers and rapists. I have a very hard time understanding mass shooters who break into schools and murder 30 children. I looked into their psychology and some of them just seem genuinely insane and stupid. As I understand the psychology behind these people and how their life story might play out to lead to these decisions, my judgement and moral righteousness begins to weaken. For example, when I was stuck in an abusive situation, it caused me to develop suicidal thoughts because it gave me a sense of control over my suffering. This is a common trauma response, but it is not the only possible trauma response. Some people become homicidal, some people grow up to abuse power dynamics over children, some people like my stepfather become domestic abusers to seek control and power, some people use sexual violence to establish a sense of power and control and target minors because they are easy to manipulate, some people like my father join gangs to extort people while protecting themselves from other gangs thus giving them power, and some people like my mother turn to drug addiction or alcoholism. All of these things could be linked to trauma and are extremely harmful. depending on how someone reacts it can lead to their lives in a variety of horrible directions. It makes me wonder if my rape fantasies are linked to my unhealthy relationship with control and power. Initially I looked at the child kidnapper getting caught with dirty pleasure thinking "he is getting what he deserved." I can now look back at the situation thinking "I understand why you might do this, but your actions are harmful and you must be stopped for your own good and for the good of others." This attitude is more non-judgmental and higher conscious bringing me to inner peace rather than to dirty pleasure. I still think school shooters are insane because they "just feel like killing people." I somewhat understand war crimes, genocide, and crimes against humanity, but it doesn't make them any less terrifying. Those people still seem insane to me. Maybe these people really are insane because their worldviews are incoherent and based on many lies. Sometimes they seem genuinely stupid and crazy. I guess if they genuinely believe these things, then it would explain why they did it though. This was part of a model story for why someone becomes a mass shooter.

@Leo Gura I see what you mean by keeping these discussions separate. Unfortunately, my fear and avoidance of relationships stems from my attempts to escape deep pain and suffering caused by being trapped in abusive situations. My suicidal ideation and attempts were accompanied by me thinking about the hopelessness of being stuck with my family. This is actually a common trauma response to abusive relationships. I'd rather die then end up in a situation like my girlfriend committing suicide to leave me a single father with a child who hates me and blames me for her death and therefore develops severe behavioral problems leading to criminal activity like mass shootings. My attitude toward relationships needs to come from a place of reduced fear and avoidance. They prevent me from giving and accepting love. I remember I told you I was deeply wrong in terms of my attitude and approach to relationships in general. My family has shaped this attitude in a deeply negative way while on the surface pushing love out of social conditioning. I'll consider dating like my therapists recommended next year after I meet my current goals. Where did you learn about relationships and what is your general attitude? Will you make videos on building healthy relationships in the future?

I find it harsh that the legal system can argue that ignorance of the law is not an excuse or defense while at the same time people are not taught the law, creating an unstable situation. I think there are many avoidable and preventable crimes if people were taught laws and common misconceptions and assumptions about what is legal. This could be helpful for children who may be navigating physical or sexual abuse at home but don't know what resources are available to help them. Looking back at the situation I lived in, I would have behaved differently had I known some of my misguided beliefs about law. Sometimes my father would commit crimes related to hang violence and drug deals, but he would threaten to disown me if I told anyone. I ended up swearing to secrecy not knowing that I was committing a felony by aiding in criminal behavior. Had I known I was legally obligated to report my father and his gang, then that would have been significant to my thought process when navigating a dysfunctional family. I also read about the abuse of self defense. This is likely to happen in a case of domestic violence. This almost happened with my physically abusive stepfather, but I ultimately decided to run away instead. Sometimes self defense is used in response to assault, but it is then used as an excuse to cause maximum harm rather than escape. This is how self defense can become homicide. In the case of my stepfather he would steal my money, destroy the house, physically attack others, poop in the kitchen, and create an environment of constant fear. Because of this I had previously had thoughts of killing him, thus it would have been premeditated because in truth I was coming from hatred. I was then in a situation where I was expecting him to attack me, but I was prepared to respond with excessive force, potentially resulting in homicide. This is when I decided to run away from home instead. My thought process would have been different had I been taught the law. The implication is that teaching people law could prevent murder and homicidal ideation such as in my case. I wish people knew how to properly manage domestic violence rather than being stuck in ignorance. What do you think? Should law be taught in school to prevent crimes from being committed out of ignorance? I think it makes sense if citizens are held to a harsh standard of ignorance not being an excuse while not being taught any of this, thus being kept ignorant.

@Leo Gura what is your state of mind like when watching these videos? What kind of state are you aiming for? I have a hard time finding empathy and compassion for people like this.

I have been watching a lot of cop videos lately. I noticed that sometimes I get a dirty sense of pleasure and happiness when I see someone getting what they deserved. Sometimes people act like animals and they squirm at every turn. I see this happening with child predators when they are caught in lie after lie only to assault a police officer. Is this dirty pleasure a problem?

The MAGA people are taking the personal information of liberals on YouTube and using it to direct death threats at them and their families. I think they are spreading this information as widely as possible, hoping that someone out there is crazy enough to carry out these threats like the guy who took Nancy Pelosi hostage or the people who broke into the capitol chanting "hang Mike Pence."

@Capital you are showing great self reflection. I have met others like you who grew to regret their past actions and wanted to change. You will likely feel guilty or ashamed of yourself because of the harm you caused others. Remember the most important part is that at least you were willing to change. Most people in your position would never admit it and live like that forever. If it makes you feel better, I promise my dad was worse. Not only did he have children by multiple underage women like my mom, but he also disowned those children and fled the state to avoid child support. My dad was completely unwilling to change, yet he put on this facade of being stage blue, preaching the bible to me as he justified his "honest" drug dealing while threatening me if I told anyone about his crimes. So long as you are willing to change, you are more like my grandfather who was a man I admired. He used to be involved in gang activity, but wanted to change. He ended up working with the police to stop gang violence as he infiltrated the gangs. He had a lot of crazy stories about how he ultimately turned his life around. This includes one story where the gang tied up him and his best friend knowing one of them was a snitch, so they shot his best friend and let my grandpa go causing him severe PTSD. Unfortunately, he couldn't stop his son from joining gangs anyway, thus repeating the cycle. I wish nothing but the best for you.

@Leo Gura when you say you want kids to learn about relationships, does it include what to do if your parents are abusive drug addicts or what to do if you end up being financially dependent on an abuser? If so that could also prevent murder because being stuck in bad relationships might lead to these kinds of thoughts. I hope teaching relationships prevents some of these problems because my fear and avoidance of relationships and dating stems from fear of being stuck in a horrible situation.

I didn't know this was a disorder. I'm a cheek biter too and it has caused noticeable damage to my right cheek and teeth. My left cheek is significantly stronger because I haven't been chewing that one. I thought I was the only one doing this weird compulsion. Thank you.

@integral if you are right about this, then that changes literally everything I have been doing for the past seven years. My doctors have been telling me my sleeping problems were caused by hypervigilance due to PTSD and trauma. I have been seeking treatment for PTSD, OCD, autism, depression, and anxiety. If my diagnosis was a misinterpretation of my reactions to chemicals, then what the fuck have I been doing for the past seven years reading all these books on emotions and psychology only to still hate myself automatically? I have been going to treatment centers and group therapy to get on all kinds of pills only for my problems to return as soon as I get weaned off the pills. Maybe the reason therapy was ineffective was because it didn't address the problem. I even started to wonder if me seeking help was a mistake because it felt like spinning my wheels in the mud. Thank you for opening my eyes to this new possibility.

@integral what should I do about toothpaste? Does all of this have to be done alongside a certain diet? Where did you learn about all of this so I can check out more? I would like to see a list of everything I need to get rid of.

@integral are you telling me I shouldn't use deodorant either? What about body wash and shampoo when I take a warm shower before bed? Does this make my sleep worse? How do you clean yourself and make sure you don't stink? Once I move in with cat lady, this is gonna be a thousand times harder.

I have an idea. When I show compassion to others, it is due to me seeing myself in them. This is when I am able to express pure love. Given what this forum teaches, the highest social teaching is probably that there is no difference between self and other. The more you see yourself in others, the more capable you become of love because you are love. Rather than treating others as you want to be treated, you could start by seeing others as you. You are pure love.