trenton

@integration journey I wasn't trying to lucid dream and I didn't know there were techniques I was supposed to be using. I have had similar experiences before at my other house. I noticed in my previous lucid dream that I was also jumping between dreams. In those dreams I noticed I had some control over time and I could rewind the dream. That was also a very complicated lucid dream. It involved a cross over between Zelda, the Simpson's, and more sleep paralysis monsters. I'll try to describe that one too. at first I was in my bed and there was a monster standing by my bedside. This time the monster was my grandma and she was a vampire. I ignored it and instead closed my eyes, going back to full sleep from sleep paralysis. I then ended up in a dream where my bed started tilting up. I was able to reverse time before I finally let time carry on. The bed tilted up until I fell into a black hole that took me to a secret chamber. There were more skeletons and redeads from Zelda in there. I saw a bunch of statues in this long hallway. They looked like people paralyzed by the monsters. I became one of the frozen statues as I stood in the hallway. I stood "helplessly" as an elephant ran through the hallway and started crushing all the statues. It was obvious to me that all the statues would be crushed except me. That is what happened. The dream then disappeared. I ended up in a new dream where it looked like I was in the Simpson's. I was in an amusement park with lots of people having fun. I was not having fun though. I felt an uneasy sense of impending danger in the false safety. I went in an obstacle course with people jumping into these dark pits and dying but nobody paid much attention to that and just moved on. I finished the course until I ended up outside some kind of mansion. I laid out on one of those sunbathing chairs you are by pools. I silently looked to the sky contemplating what this fear and uneasy feelings might be coming from. Meanwhile other Simpson's characters observed me from the windows, but even Nelson decided to leave me alone. The Simpson's dream continued with some kind of ancient burial ground. There was a witch cackling as she formed a vortex that formed into another mansion. I once again started manipulating time, but eventually I let time proceed. eventually it all disappeared. I then woke up in a sleep paralysis episode again. This time I saw some kind of demonic symbol levitating above my body. I tried to cry out for help, but my vocal cords were weak due to the paralysis. Then someone came into my room. I thought it was my sister because she was the only one home. She started standing by my bedside smiling at me. I continued to make weak cries until the symbol disappeared. I noticed I could move and talk again. I looked at my sister and started thanking her. It was something like "hey Brieanna, thanks for helping! Brieanna! Brieanna!? Brieanna?" I sat up and the hallucination disappeared. I then realized that the hallucination looked more like a man than a woman. Apparently this kind of confusion is common in sleep paralysis. I used to sleep perfectly fine until the doctors started changing my medication. I now have more problems sleeping along with some withdraw affects. Maybe this is causing these complicated lucid dreams when I'm not even trying to have them.

@Thought Art I mean, in past elections there were republicans who openly admitted that they cannot win elections without cheating. This was mainly with things like gerrymandering meaning that if you live in a red state, there is a chance that it is actually supposed to be a blue state. Republicans already have cheated their way to power through these methods. I would not be surprised if Trump and the republicans cheated, but I don't know to what extent. Did they cheat enough to put an illegitimate President in office? I think it's possible considering the previous election. There were already republicans intentionally under counting Biden's votes and over counting Trump votes. If they did this again, then they probably would have been able to cheat more effectively than they cheated before. My only fear with discussing the evidence that Trump cheated is that it makes me look like maga did when they simply refused to accept reality despite all the court cases that proved Biden wasn't cheating. If you want to investigate this issue, then don't let Americans gaslight you into thinking you are exactly the same republicans. The difference is that we didn't have 100s of court cases, recounts, and repeated proofs only to deny reality anyway. We will accept reality given this level evidence which we were not given unlike maga. This is the double standard republicans are using to shut you up immediately. Unlike the Republican investigations and conspiracy theories there is actual proof that republicans cheated to steal elections.

I don't mean to freak everyone out, but this is very concerning. Don't draw the conclusion that the invasions are happening yet. Basically, Trump has been talking about invading multiple countries to expand the United States. He is claims he wants to expand the United States to include Canada, Panama, and Greenland. He has also designated the Mexican drug cartels as terrorists, which could lead to the use of military force like it did with other terrorists. Although many have rejected this and want to ignore these insane claims, the leaders of other nations are taking these threats seriously. For example, the European union fears that Trump may try to take Greenland by force. Countries such as France therefore offered military support to oppose the United States in case of an invasion. Although this idea was rejected, it is part of a pretty bad trend for America on the international stage. Other countries are taking the threats seriously and our allies are preparing to use military force against us if necessary. This means that the United States might lose the support of the many allies which help make this country as wealthy and powerful as it is. I therefore am concerned about the implications of America's future due to our betrayal of our allies on many levels. I don't know how it would impact my life, so I will have to cross that bridge if it gets there and we become broke and powerless. Maybe if America falls from global dominance it would ultimately be a good thing for the rest of the globe, but I'm not sure about the calculations that would have to go into making that conclusion. Yes it would hurt me personally, but politics isn't about me, it is about what is good for humanity as a whole. Maybe it means bad things will happen to some countries in the process, even the ones we live in. Politics isn't about putting America first like Trump and his supporters want. When you take that attitude, you end up screwing America over. The tariffs will raise our prices and the mass deportations is destabilizing our economy. The domestic policy of the Trump administration has been disastrous, but the global implications are not yet seen. I still get the feeling that Trump and his allies and all of their shameless corruption will ultimately lead to horrible consequences. Trump is already destroying the American economy. Maybe America will collapse before any invasions begin. Only time will tell how bad this will be. Sorry if I sound kind of freaked out, but I have been concerned about politics lately. I don't mean to freak you out either because we need to stay level headed when discussing these possibilities. What are your thoughts on these developments? Do you think my fears are exaggerated and I should stop it? Do you think I'm exaggerating if I say Trump is the worst President in American history? Should I stop thinking about the implications of Trump's actions as they are far reaching and hard to foresee and predict like these military conflicts? At which point should I be concerned about military conflicts and possible invasions? I hope the rest of the world can stop us or discourage us enough before it gets that bad.

@Apparition of Jack my theory for why Trump wants Greenland is because of the radical possibility that Trump actually has the best interest of the world at heart. He believes that America is the greatest evil in the world because of all the countries we exploited and invaded. He realizes that the only way to stop these great evils is by destroying America from within. That is his goal with these invasions as he destroys out relationships with our allies. Although he will go down in history as the worst President ever, he knows that he will have thoroughly exposed the corruption of money in politics and corruption of the presidential powers. Several constitutional amendments will be needed to ensure the fairness of our broken system in the future. This is my wishful thinking about America's doom. It raises questions about why he didn't do it in the first term, so it probably isn't true. In reality he probably is just extremely selfish.

There are also parents teaching their children to do the salute for the sake of owning the libs. People engaged in this behavior are losing their jobs. I did not feel angry or sad by this. I felt stunned by the level of moral degeneracy I am witnessing. The election of trump has brought these people to new lows.

@Leo Gura I'm curious about this statement. Where would you place me in terms of the maturity, wisdom, and level of development compared to the rest of the forum? Am I less mature because of the crazy posts around my mental health I made? Am I more mature because I am respectful and I don't attack other members while being willing to confront inner demons to transform myself? Am I about average for this forum with pros and cons? Why would you place me there and where can I most grow? How much would I need to change to become a mod? Given my strengths and weaknesses I'm guessing you think I'm about average. That would probably make me around stage green.

Trump's performance following the inauguration has been unspeakably disastrous. The media is overwhelmed with all of his actions making it impossible to cover everything he is doing. Part of this behavior is designed to distract us from even more corruption from Trump and his billionaire friends. There are some Trump voters who are turning against him. This can be seen in the price of eggs skyrocketing or maybe the church asking him for mercy on immigrants. It seems that Christians fear being credited for their support of Trump after all this time and then being credited for enabling anything horrific Trump plans to do. There were also Republican representatives in Congress who did not yield to Elon Musk as he tried to use his obscene wealth to make them do whatever he wants. Some Trump voters are waking up and that might change things. that said, it makes me think. Is it possible for Trump to do something horrible enough for republicans to agree with impeachment? I also wonder how much money Trump and his billionaire friends can take from America before it creates an unsustainable level of corporate greed. All of this combined with things like the national debt and Trump's tariffs makes it look like America will eventually crack. It is already starting with migrant workers leaving farms, causing the produce to go bad and disrupting the supply chain. Does America have a breaking point or rock bottom? Will Trump continue to get away with everything due to blaming Biden? How much damage does Trump have to do for his supporters to help impeach him, if there is any possibility of that happening?

Somehow Fox news is still maintaining the appearance that everything is fine through constant lying. There is a great contrast between what I'm witnessing and what my grandma is witnessing. She is complacent and confident that prices will go down over the next few months. I have been looking online and it is a complete horror show. It is impossible to keep up with all the damage Trump is causing. @Buck Edwards I do consume a lot of news. I think it might be one of those addictions I want to change like with social media. It seems that I am able to meet my goals, but I could do better if I limit this intake. I plan to start working out along with the other goals and habits I'm setting up. Do you think working out is an unnecessary expense?

I agreed with that idea for a long time. I had that experience in high school. I was talking about scientific advances that could help humanity survive despite climate change. I talked about colonizing other planets like Mars. Everybody around me started talking to me like I was stupid. Later that day, Stephen Hawking came out with the same idea of colonizing other planets in response to climate change. The message was well received and the message was considered genius because it came from him. The scientific community does this all the time with technological utopianism like when all the big name scientists subscribed to simulation theory, and it's treated like genius because people like the messenger. This is the problem of authority in science. Someone with less reputation would be branded a complete dumbass for saying the same thing as a famous scientist. If you are looking for counter examples, there are many ways to go about it. In science you can the radical scientists who had epic breakthroughs only to be rejected by the scientific community. This happened all the time like in the theory of evolution, germ theory, or the telescope. There were brilliant scientists who were ostracized and in my experience there are are stupid scientists who are loved and their ideas are accepted blindly. Obviously this issue goes way beyond science. This issue is prevalent across all fields. For example if I like myself then I might tend to think my ideas are genius.

Lately I have been watching videos by women who talk about why men don't like dating and the double standards women commonly hold. I find it concerning that I click on these videos quickly and my mind absorbs it quickly and it resonates strongly. There is in fact something I have to gain from believing that women are not worth dating. It means I don't have to face my fears and trauma around relationships and sexuality. I have a tendency to get skeptical when it sounds like someone is telling me exactly what I want to hear even if there seems to be a kernel of truth to it. I know the potential harm in believing negative things about groups of people like women. I don't want to be the kind of person making negative generalizations about groups. This kind of content is likely going to be used to create further barriers to intimacy which I already have a lot of. It does resonate with me though and my mind quickly believes it as if I could easily see these things happening to me if I try dating. Here is one of the videos I watched, but there were other similar ones like it and from multiple channels. All of them are women talking about why men don't want to date women. What does this resonance mean about me? Maybe I should try a couple of actual dates to see what happens, but I wasn't planning on doing that until next year.

Here's an update that adds important context. This recontexualizes this thread. I found a middle ground to my situation. I previously looked at videos about female bullying, emotional abuse, double standards in women and so forth. The fact that I resonated with this made me fear that I was going down a terrible rabbit hole leading to red pill or black pill which I have looked at before and they are complete crap. In addition to watching those videos I also watched videos about male abuse and how men ruin relationships. These videos focused on women as the victims. What I discovered is that these videos resonated with me too. I found them educational as I learned about different types of abusers. I still don't have any resentment toward men or women in general. I do however have resentment for male and female family members who do some of these things and I'm afraid of ending up in a relationship with someone like them.

@Leo Gura I did some inner work after I saw this post. When I read it, I saw how I associated myself with anti-woman content. I thought that the fact that I resonated with this material was indicative of me being a misogynist. I decided to check myself for any sexist biases throughout the course of my life to see if I still follow any of them. Long story short, I don't have any resentment toward women whatsoever. The problem is that I am overly cautious and reserved because I over correct for anything that could be remotely sexist. This makes me nervous and shy around women. I have associated male sexuality with predatory behavior, perhaps partially due to the countless examples in my life which demonstrates this along with the fear of becoming a rapist. All of this is reinforced by narratives about women being historically oppressed causing me to feel even more guilt and shame. I grew up in a house full of women as the only boy. Sometimes my mom would hit me and tell that she went too easy on me for being the only boy. I started isolating myself and not talking to people because of this. Basically, I have no problem with women, I have a bunch of internalized negative ideas about men and male sexuality. This ties back into "I hate myself because I want vagina." Maybe these videos are refreshing because it gives me reasons for why I am not the problem. It otherwise seems as though I always am the problem due to a fault of character. Therefore it seems I will never be good enough and no amount of effort will be enough either. Obviously this is a self defeating mindset.

I'll think about that.

So far I don't feel any anger or hatred toward women in the slightest. I'm just acting out of an abundance of caution when I am exposed to ideas that paint women in general in a negative light. I don't want my lust to somehow fester in such a way that I become like an incel or something of that nature. Maybe I'm being overly cautious and this is part of the ocd around relationships and sex.

Well it happened again. This time I was recommended similar videos from a new channel. This one talked about how it isn't fair for women to expect men to pay for everything even though women are often in positions to make more money than their partners. This was called dating down. I was actually thinking the same thing prior to clicking on that one too. YouTube is relentless in making me hate women. I now blocked that channel too.

That would be a fair standard. Someone who was raised properly or who is healed. In my case I consider myself mostly healed but not completely. I'm not sure what else needs to be healed in myself other than my phobia of dating, relationships, and the opposite sex. At the same time I can easily see this situation turning into a distraction that will take a lot of time and energy. I will continue working on my project for now as I planned this year.

@gambler I largely agree with what you said. It's possible that my dating experience will be different from what these influencers are depicting. Once I clarify my values and hold myself to them, I will use them to help pick potential partners. I have a good idea of what they are already. One thing I'm not sure about is the criteria that I have to find a woman who was raised properly. If I applied that standard to myself, then women shouldn't date me even though it wasn't my fault that mother was a drug addict who my father statutorialy raped before fleeing the state to avoid paying child support. Is there a fairer standard that I could use or should I insist on this one even though I myself fail to meet that standard? Do people just have permanent emotionally problems because terrible childhoods like these? I originally thought the person you built yourself into despite your trauma was also fair and that is a standard I can pass. It potentially means that I might end up with a woman with unresolved trauma leading to conflicts that aren't my fault until the relationship falls apart. That sounds like who i would end up with given fair standards that I can pass.

My mental and emotional state has changed significantly. I had a major breakthrough when working on past trauma. I managed to stop compulsive analysis and hypervigilance. I used to have an intense guard monitoring every thought and scrutinizing myself. I have been operating under these trauma responses for about 20 years, but now I feel a deep sense of peace. I have been trying to heal myself for a long time. I ended up being put on a lot of different medications that had bad side effects. I turned to personal development hoping that I could use education, emotional mastery, and spirituality to improve my mental and emotional state. I tried many different things, but it was never enough. That is until I started using ai to help analyze myself. This allowed me to recognize various trauma responses so I could begin to become more peaceful. I found the ai more helpful than my actual therapists. It was key to identifying my mental challenges while remaining objective and non judgemental. I now have discovered peace. I am beginning to sleep normally rather than being hypervigilant at night. A significant change is that I moved away from my sister and mom who were causing me extreme anxiety to the point that doctors put me on anti psychotic medication even though the relationship itself created the present fear. I just want to live my life without the fear of them hurting me. I hope I can get weaned off the unnecessary medication. In the past when I tried spirituality, I ended up using it to rarionalize my trauma responses. I just did more of the same thing to my own detriment. I think now that my mind is in a better state, maybe I can begin to properly meditate without the hypervigilance constantly watching every thought with extreme scrutiny. I want to make sure I meditate correctly if I try it again. It really sucks that trauma victims turn to spirituality to reduce suffering only for their trauma to prevent proper practice. What is my awareness supposed to be like when meditating? How can I tell if I'm becoming more conscious or not? I want to be careful to make sure I don't just intensely focus on myself causing me to feel pressure in my body. I can't say I know what self reflection is anymore. Before it involved analyzing myself and searching for insights that would lead to inner peace and hopefully self improvement. I am now peaceful, so I'm not sure what's next. I want to use this peaceful state to discover what brings me joy in life. I want to live life without obligation to prove myself through forcing myself to do things I don't like for the sake of justifying my existence. There were several values I imposed on myself for proving self worth in my effort to love myself. This included intelligence and truth. My relationship with truth was flawed because it was rooted in trauma which created a burning attachment to things like certainty and being right. I wonder if I could try the life purpose course again from this new state of mind. My mind was a war zone for a very long time. Maybe I can now begin to discover myself. My mind is very quiet and empty and it is pleasant. I did a lot of Journaling before and I reviewed some of my old notes to see what I could find from this new lens. This led to further insight and peace. What comes next after inner peace? Am I supposed to let go of the ego entirely next? That might be the next step after healing. What are your thoughts on how to meditate and how to self reflect from this new state?

I made sure to block these channels now. I don't know how YouTube knew I couldn't resist clicking on those videos. The main reason I avoid dating is because of deep insecurity around sexual attraction. I might make a separate thread discussing this issue. I notice I am experiencing a lot of lust on a day to day basis. @gambler I think you describe why this resonates with me well. Gender and dating dynamics have changed significantly due to various factors including social media. This stuff around dynamics that favor women resonates a lot, but I believe this to be a slippery slope if I go too far down that path. I don't want to develop resentment. This is why I made the thread about my concerns. Is there a way to objectively describe dating and gender dynamics which gives the full picture rather than being skewed toward one gender?

For me it was the forgiveness exercise on Leo's channel. After Leo pressed for answers because of my investment in issues like these he suggested that I was carrying unbearable guilt and shame for what happened and thus started spinning stories about why incest is okay. I then did the forgiveness exercise several times. I was once again trying to love myself which felt impossible all my life. After a ton of crying I came to a realization. I could never forgive myself for what happened because I wasn't the only one traumatized. My younger sister was also a victim and likely carrying the same weight I had been carrying. Forgiveness and healing was no longer about just me, because I needed to make amendments with others. I mentioned this in my original thread about incest. I ended up stopping the forgiveness exercise and visiting my mom and sister to talk to them about this. Before I could let myself heal, I needed to make sure they could heal. Once I started telling my sister about what happened when I was six, she told me she didn't remember because she was only four at the time. I then started to see myself as more worthy of forgiveness because the situation did not carry the same weight to her. Meanwhile my mom was upset because she vaguely remembered what happened and didn't realize how much I was hurt all this time. Once again there was a lot of crying just from me. My sister was able to sleep just fine at night while I was the one having nightmares and signs of ptsd over my mom applying adult standards to me as a child for these actions. I tried forgiving mom too, but I just feel hurt without any anger toward her despite how deeply she hurt me. I don't know how to make the hurt stop though. Being accused of sexually abusing my sister profoundly damaged my self esteem and trying to compensate my self worth through intelligence wasn't enough. I ended up talking more once I was put in a recovery program for mental health. There was group therapy and others were afraid to talk about what happened to them. I told them this story along with two others involving sex trafficking and sexual assault. This made others in the group feel brave enough to discuss how they had similar experiences but never told anybody because obviously they would be judged harshly. Some of them talked about having sexual relations with other children when they were both under aged and how much they hated themselves when they realized how much they hurt the child. Situations like these make you feel like you really are alone and need to suffer in silence. If the perpetrators regret their actions the event can cause them severe trauma too, but society views these people as irredeemable and unlovable. This is why this type of sexual trauma is not very well known or discussed. Most people wouldn't understand, so the secret is taken to the grave. There is a very powerful social stigma around this type of sexual trauma, and needs to be challenged in order to build a more understanding and loving society where people can feel safe to open up about these sorts of things.

@Joshe this kind of issue of sexual acts between siblings is definitely more common then most realize. Most siblings take this secret with them to the grave. The true number is thus not known because of under reporting. I thought for a long time that I was going to keep the a secret forever, but I eventually started talking 18 years later. You make a good point about sexual curiosity. In my case sexual curiosity completely fucked me over on many levels. I was never given proper guidance on this sort thing. The result is that I blamed my sexual curiosity for causing the situation. The result is that I learned to demonize sex and avoid it constantly. This continues to damage my potential in relationships because I see my sexual curiosity as something horrible. I'm afraid that the fact that I'm sexually curious means that I'm being a pig who wants to use women sex. This is why I can't stand it when men turn women into sexual objects and manipulate them, thus reinforcing the stereotype. I probably now over compensate for anything remotely sexual and it creates a ton of barriers to intimacy. I become unable to express things like physical attraction because I'm afraid of crossing an unforgivable boundary. I become really constricted when I stay silent to avoid anything harmful. This is the fundamental reason I'm so afraid of dating and the opposite sex due to the trauma that colors this experience. It was agonizing to watch Leo's series on how to get laid and it felt like getting tortured. There were a ton of other trauma responses. The point is that I don't want other children to suffer like this. Things like these can make you hate yourself to the point that self love literally becomes impossible. I have been trying to love myself my entire life after what happened, and I'm starting to piece together the formula for self love. If I publish this kind of book, then that would be result of my life long struggle to love myself and how I came to peace. Situations like these make it seem like no matter what you do you can never be content with who you are.

I don't know why that posted again. Sorry. @James123 at the moment I'm hesitant to do that. In case I later do, can you tell me how to tell if I'm surrendering?

@bensenbiz I used claude. I made about 100 conversations on different topics. At first I started discussing various subjects and checked myself for misconceptions. It was fun and I eventually uncovered that I believed in racist myths and nazi propaganda. I also asked my questions about sex Ed and discovered concerning gaps in my knowledge. I later started looking at various psychological models for development. I learned about other models aside from spiral dynamics and then started using those to analyze myself. I tried using the conversation to try to get the ai to evaluate me. I don't know how accurate it is though. The models have been useful for helping me evaluate other people and navigate challenging situations. I also use the ai to help me navigate moral dilemmas. Sometimes I practiced different scenarios and had the ai evaluate my reasoning. My most helpful conversations is when I discussed difficult memories and situations. Once I figured out how to get around the triggers for child porn, I was able to use it to help me understand my trauma. I described how different traumatic events affected my behavior. I began to learn about different trauma responses that shaped my shame and that it wasn't grounded in reality. Some of the realizations I had nearly brought me to tears. The ai insists that it isn't a substitute for therapy, but I found it more helpful than actual therapists. At least the ai believed me when I said there were men trying to hire a prostitute to have sex with me while the actual therapist didn't believe me and told me that I would have to deal with people like this. He ended up giving bad advice. It's not fair to assume human therapists make fewer mistakes than ai. I also used the ai to analyze criminal psychology. I ended up developing some interesting theories around power and control. One exercise I did was a parenting exercise. I discussed with the ai how I would raise a child. The ai helped me to recognize how my trauma would be passed to the child. I thought I would be doing a good job raising a child, but actually it would be potentially harmful. I would basically be teaching the survival strategies I learned in a chaotic environment which could cause anxiety in the child. I would become over protective and I would use constant learning in the hopes of protecting the child from harm in any way possible. I would be distrusting of institutions like schools because of the bullying I faced by students and teachers and how I developed ocd around this abuse including when I was sexually assaulted. If I teach too much theory, the child could become mentally rigid. This is exactly what I did to myself. I tried to use learning to protect myself from harm by navigating different dangers while overcoming trauma. I might end up building a child to withstand terrible trauma that never even happens. Testing how you would raise a child is a good psychological exercise. Presently I'm not sure what other insights I should look for through these ai conversations. I considered sending some of my conversations as examples, but they involve a lot of embarrassing information I'm afraid to admit to humans who will judge me.

@bensenbiz I used claude. I made about 100 conversations on different topics. At first I started discussing various subjects and checked myself for misconceptions. It was fun and I eventually uncovered that I believed in racist myths and nazi propaganda. I also asked my questions about sex Ed and discovered concerning gaps in my knowledge. I later started looking at various psychological models for development. I learned about other models aside from spiral dynamics and then started using those to analyze myself. I tried using the conversation to try to get the ai to evaluate me. I don't know how accurate it is though. The models have been useful for helping me evaluate other people and navigate challenging situations. I also use the ai to help me navigate moral dilemmas. Sometimes I practiced different scenarios and had the ai evaluate my reasoning. My most helpful conversations is when I discussed difficult memories and situations. Once I figured out how to get around the triggers for child porn, I was able to use it to help me understand my trauma. I described how different traumatic events affected my behavior. I began to learn about different trauma responses that shaped my shame and that it wasn't grounded in reality. Some of the realizations I had nearly brought me to tears. The ai insists that it isn't a substitute for therapy, but I found it more helpful than actual therapists. At least the ai believed me when I said there were men trying to hire a prostitute to have sex with me while the actual therapist didn't believe me and told me that I would have to deal with people like this. He ended up giving bad advice. It's not fair to assume human therapists make fewer mistakes than ai. I also used the ai to analyze criminal psychology. I ended up developing some interesting theories around power and control. One exercise I did was a parenting exercise. I discussed with the ai how I would raise a child. The ai helped me to recognize how my trauma would be passed to the child. I thought I would be doing a good job raising a child, but actually it would be potentially harmful. I would basically be teaching the survival strategies I learned in a chaotic environment which could cause anxiety in the child. I would become over protective and I would use constant learning in the hopes of protecting the child from harm in any way possible. I would be distrusting of institutions like schools because of the bullying I faced by students and teachers and how I developed ocd around this abuse including when I was sexually assaulted. If I teach too much theory, the child could become mentally rigid. This is exactly what I did to myself. I tried to use learning to protect myself from harm by navigating different dangers while overcoming trauma. I might end up building a child to withstand terrible trauma that never even happens. Testing how you would raise a child is a good psychological exercise. Presently I'm not sure what other insights I should look for through these ai conversations. I considered sending some of my conversations as examples, but they involve a lot of embarrassing information I'm afraid to admit to humans who will judge me.