trenton

@Sabth I want to tell you I am going through a similar struggle. I hate myself and I constantly find more reasons to hate myself. Sometimes I hate myself so badly I want to die. I discussed a traumatic event with my life coach. He suggested that I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to get a good career because I was trying to re establish my sense of self worth. My accomplishments would serve as proof that I am worthy of self love. You seem to be trying to create proof that you deserve to be loved. I have plenty of proof my my self worth but I still hate myself to the point of suicidal thoughts. I would suggest that if you are seeking proof of your self worth, it will never be enough and you will always want more proof. This is the cycle of people pleasing for instance. remember the hierarchy of needs. Before self actualization comes self esteem. If you sabotage yourself constantly with self hatred you will never be satisfied with your accomplishments and you will still not feel worthy of love. for me I have been trying to regain my self worth since a traumatic incident from when I was six. If you suffered from serious trauma and blame yourself, it causes you to shut down emotionally, and it is hard to rebuild self worth from that place.

Update: I talked with my life coach and he had some important insights. We discussed some childhood trauma and drew some connections. The reason I put so much pressure on myself to form a career I am proud of is because I am trying to re-establish my sense of self worth. He pointed out that I shut down emotionally a long time ago and my sister is now frustrated because she wants to love me but I do not connect with any of it. I have been emotionally disconnected from love for my entire life due to a chaotic upbringing and trauma. To regain my sense of self worth I felt that I needed to sacrifice love, relationships, and pleasure. It was a good session. I have been losing sleep at night because I place a lot of pressure on myself to achieve something great. I otherwise feel valueless without proof of self worth. This may include the pressure on myself to get really good at chess so I can prove something to myself by gaining the title grandmaster. He suggested that many of my statements from the exercises he gave me were coming from a place of putting pressure on myself. In order to have more positive motivation, I need to let go of this pressure by understanding that I already am worthy.

I don't know what is happening to me. For some reason I am having suicidal thoughts and I can't help but feeling frustrated, sad, and angry. I'm not sure why I would want die. I have been trying to combat this by staying productive. For example, I am working on a book about mental illness and society. I have a lot of good ideas and I have been spending hours doing research. Sometimes I get stuck. I end up falling into self hatred even when I am doing everything in my power to live a good life. I tried hiring a career coach to help me find a career path outside of chess. This was my passion, but I feel unable to build the life I want. Sometimes I try to compensate this by pursuing importance. I am now looking into things like macro social work. I tried studying my chess books and it seems to have helped a little. I have worked on a lot of trauma with my therapist already. The mysterious self hatred might end up driving me back to it. CPT coach wasn't really helping when I tried working on stuck points like I will never be happy or I can't love myself.

@Leo Gura I wanted to tell you that your series on deconstructing science is one of your best series. Good work on that.

I keep having a similar dream over and over again. They are all dreams about me needing to go to the bathroom really badly. My most recent one is was about being surrounded by broken toilets. Most of the people had given up on searching for a toilet that worked and surrendered to the possibility of wetting themselves. They were people I recognized from school. This recurring dream could be a sign of unresolved trauma. It might be an indicator of why I suffer from low self esteem. Sometimes I used to wet myself at school because the teacher wouldn't let me go to the bathroom. I was very upset with myself for these things. In fact I was once blamed for peeing on the floor in the boys bathroom. The substitute teacher called me a pig in response to this. Finally, there was another boy in the bathroom who made me uncomfortable while I was using the urinal and I have been avoiding urinals ever since for fear of sexual harassment. I only use urinals when I have no other choice. I also used to crap my pants frequently after I was potty trained. Nowadays I run to the bathroom very frequently before I have to start holding it. I also drink a lot of water, probably more than I need. Sometimes it is problematic during chess tournaments because I am on a timer. Right now I am not following my feelings to get to the source of trauma. Instead I am following logic to reach a new conclusion. I don't feel like this is triggering feelings of low self worth but there are repeated patterns. I would have forgotten about all of this if not for my dreams. What should I do about this recurring dream?

@Judy2 thanks for the thoughtful response. I told my grandma about these dreams and she said she had this recurring dream too. In her dream the only toilet is outside and everybody is watching. I feel like I actually need to go to the bathroom during the dream. I feel the sensations. When I wake up the sensations are gone and I no longer need to go. When I was in school I was alone most of the time. I was a straight A student and the other kids didn't take education seriously. I was further isolated due to autism and I stuck to myself most of the time. Other kids would would not let me play with them during recess. To this day I generally stick to myself and I don't socialize with other people much. I have always been more concerned about aspiring to higher ideals. Unfortunately, this is vague and it brings me a lot of anxiety over life purpose. I didn't know that being overly aware of my bladder was a symptom of anxiety. I have already wrote about my past experiences in the bathroom in my journal. There was one experience that still bothered me. When I was in the fifth grade I tried to use a urinal. Another boy came up next to me, put his hands behind his head, leaned back, and winked at me as he peed. It made me uncomfortable and I still don't like using urinals because of it. Stalls give me a greater sense of security.

It looks like the problem is just low self esteem in general. Many of my emotional problems stem from me hating myself in general. I constantly found new reasons to hate myself. One of my previous threads was called "I hate myself for wanting vagina." Another thread was about how I would rather die than become like my father. Another thread became about a traumatic event from when I was six. Other threads are about me struggling to find purpose in life which also damages self esteem. I have been struggling to love myself my entire life, but nothing seemed to be working. The most recent progress I have been making has to do with letting go of judgements internalized from other people. This includes my mother's judgement when she reacted as if I were sexually abusive and the it applies to when I was bullied for being the smart kid in school. Letting go of these judgements seem to bring me peace. Self love is a constant struggle for me. Sometimes I find ways to temporarily stop my hatred, but it often came back. Part of the problem is that OCD is a shame trap. It leads to a lot of backsliding. My mind constantly finds new reasons to hate myself whether it is my failure to become a professional chess player or to decide on a new career path. When ever I bring myself to peace, there is often an ego backlash in which my mind finds a new reason to hate myself. Sometimes I hate myself so badly I want to die. This was a recurring problem when I was an inpatient. I was unable to accept that I was good. Hopefully, this is the last time it happens. I'm not sure how it will happen again if it does or how I will handle it.

Very relatable. I have hated myself for millions of things throughout my entire life. My most recent success would be using the forgiveness exercise for a traumatic experience from when I was six. My mom judged me very harshly and I ended up unable to trust my impulses. I was afraid of becoming a rapist even though I'm not that kind of person. This required a lot of therapy, but I finally feel like I have part of my life back and the symptoms of PTSD seem to be going away. I still hate myself for other things though like being unable to turn chess into a career and it makes me feel like a waste of talent. I'm now considering doing math instead and potentially going back to college for complicated reasons.

You can go on yelp and look for life coaches and career coaches there. I found two coaches in my area. You will have to check your area on yelp.

Good news. I did some self reflection and I may have had a breakthrough. I will discuss this in a separate thread. Thanks to everyone for trying to help me through this frustration and confusion. It drives me insane when I feel like my life is slowly being wasted in misery while I feel powerless to change it.

I want to know about someone who has been through a similar struggle to me and found a career they were happy about anyway. Part of the reason I struggle is because nothing gives me the same drive as a competitive tournament. I love the state of flow that comes with nothing else in the universe concerning me.

@BlessedLion I had the same problem with the religion of tomorrow. It uses a lot of complicated models and it is easy to get confused. If there were examples being used, that would have made it easier.

I feel like a victim because it looks like doing what I love was never truly an option. My entire identity crisis started when I didn't have the option of pursuing what I loved in college. Whatever career path I choose I am constantly disappointed. This adds to my feeling of being trapped with no way to live a happy life. Sometimes this spirals into suicidal thoughts. I don't know what to do about this.

Here is a relevant thread

https://www.chessable.com/discussion/thread/781720/harsh-reality-of-being-a-professional-chessplayer/784387/#:~:text=The harsh reality is that,enjoying the competitive chess scene. Someone else has the same problem.

I don't know to what extent autism is the problem but I have this condition. I wish I could stop being at war with this aspect of myself. I'm unable to find a permanent to this problem.

@ted73104 I honest to God worry that nothing else in life will make me happy. I have never been happier than when I was in a hotel alone preparing for my next game. I don't know how to find the same happiness in any other field. Sometimes I hate myself for failing to do something which is nearly impossible, that is turning chess into a career. This follows the same problem as not living up to my potential and wasting my talent. Sometimes I manage to get this to stop, but only temporarily. I end up picking all of this up again.

I think it is my fault that I am not already a professional chess player. It is easy to blame myself for not trying hard enough, not going to enough tournaments and not practicing enough. In my defense I was getting back into tournaments but as soon as I did covid hit and shut everything down. I was working at a grocery store that whole time.

@Schizophonia I think my misery is my fault for not playing in enough tournaments or practicing enough and instead trying to build an alternative career that will never make me happy.

@meta_male Leo and other members of the forum insisting that I don't pursue chess triggered feelings of depression. the only Two times I felt at the mercy of someone else's opinion was going to college due to pressure from my family or my mother refusing to evict her abusive boyfriend who stole my money.

I know this forum means well by telling me not to pursue chess. I tried hiring a career coach to find an alternative path. We considered macro social work. I have been in this position ever since I went to college. It still drives me crazy when I feel like a waste of talent. All of the success books I have been reading from the book list just reinforce the mindset that I have been applying to chess since before getting into personal development. Arnold Swarzenegger is just another example of this exact same mindset. The problem is that most people can treat things like chess as a side hobby to enjoy. I'm not like that. I get enjoyment out of being competitive. Mediocrity is unacceptable to me. Spending a thousand dollars on chess courses simply does not compute with a low level ambition.

@Leo Gura any chance you know how to contact this guy? I'd like to learn more about this person and how he managed to do this.

I am struggling with knowing when to give up and when to persevere. This is about my career as a chess player. It is hard to make it as a chess player. I seem to stake a lot on My ability to be successful. I don't know where to draw the line between being too stubborn and not being stubborn enough. My struggle started when my family wanted me to go college, but there was no major for becoming a professional chess player. I started struggling to find other paths for my life. I have identified a few alternatives to pursuing chess. After finishing an associate degree, I didn't see the point in continuing college. Instead I started working a job I hate at a grocery store. I was already working during college to help pay off the loans. I've had this job for five years now. The prospects of working here forever makes me feel hopeless about my life. I worry about being stuck in meaningless work forever. I have been looking for opportunities to replace this job with something I enjoy. I struggled to find jobs teaching chess for years until I finally landed a job with chess in schools. I have been working here for about six months. The students love my lessons and I love it when they challenge me. My least favorite part is when the kids refuse to behave. In fact one kid said the n word. Even with this job, I still don't make enough money to replace my job at the grocery store. I therefore work two jobs. Therefore, if I want to replace the job I hate, I would have to get a third job then quit. I am trying to get a job with varsity tutors so I can teach chess online. If i make enough money during the week, I can finally have my weekends open permanently for chess tournaments. I am wondering if I should quit pursuing chess for a couple of reasons. Trying to set up my life in the way I want it seems to be making life more difficult. This is far from my ideal of travelling the world to play the top grandmasters. Ben finegold became a grandmaster at age 40, so it is not impossible for me to become a professional chess player, it's just difficult. It makes it hard to tell when to quit. The sunk cost fallacy kicks in when I think about all the courses and books I purchased for chess and all the time I spent studying and playing in tournaments. I have a few alternatives for what I could pursue. The problem is that they probably require me to go back to college. This does not appeal to me. 1. I happen to be good at philosophy and bible studies because I listened to hundreds of hours of actualized.org. Maybe I could build on this. I helped a woman restore her faith in after losing both of her children. 2. I could be good at working with a research team to mitigate polarization in politics. I stopped a lot of fights by teaching my family about self deception and I helped my coworkers get 60,000 dollars in student debt forgiven because my research. 3. I happen to be gifted in quantitative reasoning. I scored 130 on the iq test and I would probably be good at engineering. I just never tried pursuing this kind of career. 4. My alternative passion is teaching emotional mastery in schools. I have been skeptical of the educational system because it ignores life saving teachings. For example a non-profit similar to chess in schools could be used for cbt or other emotional mastery teachings to help prevent suicide. Spiritual teaching could be included to some degree. I hesitate to pursue this because I myself suffer from depression and I have struggled to cure myself somehow. I still suffer from suicidal thoughts even though I tried educating myself on emotional mastery, I tried pills, I tried therapy, I tried the forgiveness exercise, and other things. All of them helped partially, but I still feel stuck in the same pattern. Part of the hopelessness is the job I hate. Despite my continued struggle with depression, I managed to help my brother stop his suicidal thoughts. I could be good at helping people, but I struggle to help myself. My top values include open mindedness, pure understanding, learning, truth, authenticity, helping others grow, and objectivity. When should I quit?

@Schizophonia I want to be a professional chess player, but I feel trapped in life due to not seeing how to turn this passion into a career. Apparently there are also musicians who have suicidal thoughts due to being unable to pursue their passion.

I have been talking with my coworkers at the grocery store. I have been asking them "what are you most passionate about in life?" I have some interesting findings including the fact that life purpose causes me much more anxiety than the average person. I found a couple of people who value family very deeply. I found a woman who was once a nurse but was injured and lost both her legs. I found a woman who was the victim of predatory loaning. I found a woman who never had a passion for anything even as a child when asked "what do you want to be when you grow up?" Even the managers don't know what they want to do with their lives. I noticed that like myself, some of my co-workers feel like failures for not accomplishing anything with their lives. I'm not alone in that regard. Some people are afraid to think about or discuss this topic at all because it is depressing. I refuse to wallpaper over this issue. This is how I approach all of my problems believing this to be the key to solving them. It leads to rumination and anxiety. It makes me feel like screaming sometimes. I have talked with two career coaches, both of which pointed out that I have a lot of anxiety around this issue. I don't know why I have so much anxiety around this issue. I have been striving to live my life by a higher purpose or calling since I was in elementary school. I viewed the other kids as idiots for not taking school seriously and misbehaving. I was isolated and didn't talk much to others. I was afraid of pissing my life away by not taking it seriously enough and I feel stuck and trapped anyway. I can't seriously engage in the pleasures of life without having this issue handled. I don't enjoy chess as much nor do I enjoy videogames. Any guesses as to why life purpose bothers me more than most people? What could cause this? I fear that I will never be happy in life.