trenton

July 2, 2020 I did not accomplish much today because I had work and a lot of running around. A few interesting things happened though. While I was at work I talked to Kathie who told me that she felt the management treated her poorly. At first I told her what I thought from my typical perspective on harassment. I told her that I hurt myself more when I focus on the mean things people said too much. She seemed frustrated and tried to explain herself more. she said that everyone always tried to tell her don't let it get to her. She explained how the management does this to her and a few other employees as if they are being targeted and encouraged to quit. It makes her feel like she does not want to work for them. The key point was that this is happening to her repeatedly. I told her that usually we should see it as no big deal, but if this is happening repeatedly then it is more of a problem. Kathie said she tried talking to Joe before but nothing changed. It seemed that her complaint was not taken seriously. She is afraid that telling the managers might make it worse and they might harass her more. I felt that Kathie would not want me to tell the managers, but I did tell them to make sure that they were aware of this serious issue. I thought it might change their behavior of they knew about this important information. The manager told me that Kathie should be the one telling her. She said it is not good to tell me and leave me in the middle of the situation. It seems that the complaint was not taken seriously and it wasn't going to be. I may have worsened the management's opinion of Kathie which could translate into harassment. I wonder what you think and what you would do in these situations. Outside of work I continued letting go. I try to do one thing s day to let go of. Today I let go of needing it wanting something to be true. This makes me feel threatened by other possibilities when really i don't know what is true. After further self reflection I have gotten a closer idea as to why I drawn to the abortion debate. I see that it is a false debate because we must imagine if it is murder of not and then maintain our position by pretending we did not make it up to make it seem objective. This reveals the deeper truth that we lie to ourselves constantly in order to maintain our worldview. Insanity is when we attempt to monopolize truth through lying. All arbitrary positions must collapse. This leads to an even deeper truth. What I call the truth is something that is just out of reach of my lies, thoughts, and beliefs. No matter what description my mind makes, I made it up. Even in trying to describe the truth now my words can only give you an approximation. When I tell you that it is an approximation or a lie with which I describe truth of becomes true that it is false thus making it a correct representation. The truth is not something that the mind can construct and I want to see what is beyond the mind. The mind does not handle truth, rather it puts on a show that it is the truth because it can't be maintained if I were conscious of the falsehood, thus I can't lie effectively to myself and others. I think a useful pointer towards what I am describing comes from a Buddhist teaching. Any argument about the self must arise from the self. Any argument of what a self is is not the self. It is enough to infer one's existence. This suggests that I am the truth imagining that abortion is or is not murder. Truth is not reached by the mind if the mind arises from truth. In a sense silence is a more truthful position than something you imagine and then claim is true. This is what I ultimately seek in spirituality. I think spirituality would be worth my while. This curiosity is the love which drives me forward.

July 1, 2020 Today I was overwhelmed and unable to accomplish as much because I spent time at work. I will need to lower some of my expectations for those days because there is not enough time possible to set hours at a time aside for everything else I want to do. This is a problem if it causes me to get stuck. While at work my manager asked me to come in on Friday. I negotiated to come in at 1 pm to 5 or 6. One thing that stops me from looking at more jobs is that I have no clarity on where I would like to work unless we are talking about college degrees or strategies for getting rich. If I have nothing better to do then I may as well learn how to be a millionaire and do everything necessary to reach that goal rather than settle for my current life. My coach did not answer the questions I sent it him yesterday. Currently I am looking at the problems I have in the Catalan opening with black. I remember how playing sharp openings like the semi-slav and Sicilian have paid off and give me good results. The queens gambit declined does not help as much of the Catalan is played. I had decent results with the Nimzo indian. The slav allows the exchange variation making it hard to win with black. A while back I tried playing the grunfeld but it backfired and I performed badly. I think I am stronger now and I might be able to develop better winning chances in these lines compared to the Catalan. I kept my work out and improved my diet until the end of the day when I ate ice cream. I need to make a smaller list for these days or it will be too much. I added a protein mix to my water. It tastes weird but I think I am better off adding it. Most of the day focused on meditation and self inquiry. I still did my exercise and reading like I wanted to do, but no audio books. I contemplated the question how do I know what is true. The truest thing I thought I knew was that existence exists. I concluded it existed because I can see it and feel it. I compared this to an illusion and noticed that I would be vulnerable to labeling an illusion true if I based it on experience. Therefore, I changed my conclusion to experience creates an appearance, but it does not create knowing. This is why existence appears to exist. At the end of the day I was too tired to do more chess videos. This was an informative day, for setting daily goals. I still believe in myself and I think I am capable of reaching the eventual goal of becoming rich when I finish that book. One idea that popped into my head that sounds cool is a world view survey on politicians. I am not worried about what there conclusions are, but it would be cool to map out their thinking system and watch how they respond to information. This could bridge the gap between the left and right if we mapped out a thinking system of a Democrat for example, starting from fundamental assumptions about reality like God is real and following all the way through to Republicans are insane and stupid. By mapping out a concrete thinking method, other parties could use the method as a lens to judge the same information and better understand the other side. I wonder what affect it would have on the country if they were taught spiral dynamics while using other thinking methods for concluding what is true and what is good. You are capable of living a life profoundly different from where you currently stand. You would like to let go of many attachments, but it will be more effective if you did one at a time instead of multiple a day. You even contemplated the way in which you let go of things. Letting go may be a form of love.

June 30, 2020 I started off my day by listing 10 things in the today I will. I think this is more effective for making sure that I am always working on something. The word improvement is starting to bother me because it depends on what I call an improvement. Protesting for BLM could be an improvement or a distraction. I feel like it burns me a little when I focus on improving myself because I am like a hamster in a wheel who is never satisfied and can fully love myself. If there is anything else that puts me off about the notion of self improvement it might be that I never needed to change or be different. First I tried to knock out the chores. I swept the basement, but now was not a good time for mowing the grass. I also need to strong trim, but there was a high chance of rain. Overall I would say I accomplished as much as I could. Secondly, I wanted to become more conscious of what I eat. I did well for most of the day with small amounts of sugar. Toward the end of the day I finally are came and I noticed my headache come back. This made it harder for me to finish my chess exercises. Thirdly, I listened to one hour of "How to get rich.". So far the book is interesting. Today I was unable to log in and look at the book list. I am now worried that I broke the rules of actualized.org by talking about what I learned from the books and now I might be banned because people don't have to pay to figure the information. I sent a message to technical support. This has never happened before, and if it is the problem and it is possible to get unbanned, then I won't be talking about any self actualization books on this forum ever again. Fourthly, I have yet to do some meditation. Only for a few minutes, but I could do more after I'm done typing. Fifth, I watched one video from a grandmaster. After this I finished 46 exercises of chess homework for my coach. These exercises had no option of computer analysis. This made me study the positions extra carefully to make sure my move was right like in a tournament. Usually I could check in a few seconds, but now I was the only one to verify the answer. Sixth, my leg started to hurt so I tried to minimize walking. My leg is feeling better now. My sister noticed me limping earlier, and I hope this does not carry over into work tomorrow. Senventh, I read more out of my enlightenment book. I learned about how the mind serves our survival, but not truth. This leads us to confusing concept for reality. I began contemplating "How do I limit my consciousness.". If my consciousness were less limited, how would it affect my life? Eighth, I did 106 pushups because I can't limit my exercise to too much walking. I think this might be healthier and can translate into better focus for chess. Diet and exercise are important keystone habits in addition to reading and meditation. Ninth, I did research on psychedelics and inner mastery. This organization has had reviews because they are overly secular and often less than professional when administering DMT. This organization has a poor reputation, and I have been emailing them to see how I could organize a retreat. Going to South America is more expensive, but a real shaman would be better than this. They were criticized for being cash grabbers and good reviews are hard to come by. Tenth, I wanted to let go of envy as a source of motivation. This is me insulting myself and not being content with my limitations. I am closed to the possibility that my limitations may not always be able to be pushed. I constantly want to be better because I don't love myself. By acknowledging this motive, my mind has become more peaceful. I think this I will list is extremely effective. I did not get everything, but I was pretty good and did not waste much time on silly videos which are losing my interest. I can see that I am taking personal development more seriously and I am soon to get measurable results especially if I keep focused on my diet. The benefits are too great to be ignored. I would say you did an acceptable job today. Keep up the good work and move beyond your present lifestyle. This is a form of love. I want something special and won't settle for my current situation. This is from love, not envy.

I am new to psychedelics and I want to know what you think of this program. I don't know how to tell if somebody is going to trick me like a false shaman who tries to take advantage of people. I think this group is fine and can offer legitimate spiritual growth. If you have tried this program or can find some reviews, I would like to see them. Thank you for any helpful advice. I will be continuing my research on psychedelics and epilepsy to make sure I am safe. This disqualified me from the military and it would be annoying if it happens here to. https://innermastery.eu/how-it-works/

I was out on a walk and I ran into two strangers. I was about to walk home, but instead I was curious about them. I walked up to them and said I was curious about their world views. They told me about how much they meditate and they realize that the enter educational system is set up to make you run on auto pilot. When you do the same thing at the same time every day, it makes you a functional member of society, but it does not help you understand reality. People end up acting off of whatever they were taught and they are close minded because they were taught that other perspectives are wrong or bad in some way. Aaron explained how we have more sensed than the traditional five. It is somewhat paranormal, but we feel like we are being watched, similar to an antelope being stalked by a lion. Our current system does not value awareness and it prevents us from focusing on what things are rather than what we think about them. For example, "orange is the best color" is an opinion but stated like a fact. The two asked me what my intentions are. I was unable to answer that until later when I said I wanted to understand reality. They don't use only sources very often and prefer to focus on meditation on their own. They still think that they are human beings, suggesting that they are not fully awake based on these teachings, but they are still very conscious. They tried to explain acceptance to me. I did not really understand what they meant because it was really deep. They said that it is being content with every experience you have in your life. I am not entirely clear what they meant.

June 29, 2020 I cleaned up my diet a little bit today by eating fewer cookies. I feel better already. I think I get burned out on self actualization when I am not nourished properly. My diet has a tangible affect on my chess play and how effectively I can self reflect while staying motivated. This could translate into more self education which ultimately helps me to find a life purpose. I finished my chess homework and played two tense games. One of the victories was my highest rated opponent yet. He beat me in a previous game, but this time I won. For some reason he flagged with 11 minutes on his clock on move 20 which was weird. My sister came in and started talking to me, but my attention would not be moved. I played black in both of these games, and white put a lot of pressure toward my king. In the first game I accepted a pawn sacrifice and allowed white to split most of my pawns including the pawns in front of my king. My defense seemed shaky, but was actually precise. I controlled the key squares which the white queen needed to use to mate me. I was ready to block and duck from any checks and my defense was just enough. The Sicilian Najdorf can come down to these kinds of positions. My opponent needed just one or two moves to checkmate me, but I prepared the counterplay needed to slow him down for one move. This forced him to trade a rook, where he then threatened checkmate in two. My queen came back just in time, allowing me to save the extra pawn, win the bishop, and ultimately trade queens for a winning endgame. In the second game I had to be brave and castle into what seemed like a dangerous attack, but there was nothing better to do. I traded most of the pieces, but although I accepted a pawn sacrifice in this game as well, white has the f file and several maneuvers across the third rank to provoke weaknesses near my king. This was a semi-slav defense. I opened my light squared bishop to trade the last minor piece by playing c5. Interesting moments were when white tried to attack the h7 pawn in front of my king, but I shielded it with f5. I then later attacked the white rook with g5. It seems counter intuitive to move pawns in front of the king, but the computer likes it. I defended well in both cases. I ended up playing more chess than I thought I would because a challenger interrupted my study. He always challenges people who are rated at least 2200. I think I should use a similar method for finding good opponents. I often don't get paired like earlier today, but at night more of them seem to be active. I did not get started on any new books yet. My sister finally started continuing the yoga we used to do. She is embarrassed by her shape, but I don't think she's ugly. We are half way through the program and the exercises should be getting intense soon. I did get messaged back from inner mastery. They recommended that I travel to mexico for a psychedelic retreat. I need a little bit more research. I should be able to afford the whole trip with 1500 dollars on a seven day paid vacation from Kroger. I want to see what my family would think. They might not like it, but I won't pre judge them. My mom and dad both had hard drug problems. I also need to know how dangerous are psychedelics if I have epilepsy. Finally there are some fake shamans who might try to trick me and I need to figure out how to tell. I might bring this issue up in the forum. Currently COVID 19 complicates this entire scheme. Continue with your pursuits and see where they take you. Financial independence would help you a lot and should be more central to your goals. If you become financially independent, you can travel, go to any chess tournaments you wish, get any education you want, and maximize your consciousness. How to get rich is an important read for me as it will give me some pointers toward my end goals. If you can't use psychedelics, then I can let go of the other project and maximize other forms of self actualization. I love you.

@Apparition of Jack if I look at what you gave as examples of raising our consciousness, I can apply to myself. Most of actualized.org is to understand systems thinking and meta awareness on politics. My life purpose is currently gravitating toward politics and consciousness. My nutrition could use improvement if I want to maximize my consciousness. As for meeting my basic needs I am not financially independent. This means that I could raise my consciousness and become a better leader if I develop the independence necessary to meet my needs on my own with my own money while improving how I eat. I would feel weird if I promoted healthy eating when I eat a lot of junk food myself. When applying this collectively I can see how consciousness is good way to consider the greatest good for the greatest number. I might look for other ways of thinking as well. Good answer.

This utilitarian idea drew me to politics because I see the government as the potential to something incredible for mankind. I usually think of the greatest number as including all of humanity in every country. Maybe animals should be added to the number. As for the greatest good, I think of truth. This can be challenged if it is better to lie to people for the greatest good. For example, suppose the U.S. Government does not have the corona virus under control, but they want to prevent panic as that would make the situation worse. They tell the citizens that they have it under control when really they don't and the situation gets better because less people are panicking. I would like a few questions to be answered. What is the greatest good? How does it apply to politics? How should we interpret information in order to most effectively detect the greatest good for the greatest number? How do we overcome our own thinking biases to minimize corruption? My curiosity about these questions makes me think I should go back to college to learn more about politics. If a find an interesting career, I might be able to do a lot of good while remembering that I could hurt people of I do not overcome my own corruption.

June 28, 2020 I accomplished a few things yesterday. I finished the 60 exercises on the pin for the chess homework. I received a lot of my dad's old clothes so I don't have to worry about socks and underwear for a long time. I beat galactic conquest on star wars. I finished the shock doctrine so I am now a little more educated on politics. It appears that the relationship between my grandma and sister is improving and it might get better if they continue learning spiral dynamics to help liberals and conservatives understand each other. I can do the other 12 exercises soon to start working on more advanced homework. I discovered that my rapid rating actually did change from the tournaments I played online. This means I will be participating in more tournaments in the future. Last time studying the opening did not help me as much as I would like so I will need to do something better. I should ask my coach. How will the shock doctrine change my behavior? This is an important question to answer so I can maximize the benefits of this education. First of all, Klein talked about how people are starting to resist disaster capitalism. When too many are aware that the disaster is being exploited to push through an agenda that would never pass democratically, it can make disaster capitalism fail. If a hurricane or tsunami hits the U.S. Or somewhere else, look at what policies are being pushed through. Don't be fooled by "hurricane relief.". It often does the opposite. Next I would need to find a way to resist the policy. At least I can share it with forums like these to spread the word. It seems that ideology is a common tool in politics and it can be useful. This way I can use what I learned to help people in the area resist the policy. War is also used to push the policy through like I'm Iraq. While I was at my grandma's house, my sisters started talking to her about our culture and our backwards opinions on women. Mom said "boys will be boys.". This shifted the blame to my sister for being dirty and sexually attractive. She was once hit on by a 40 year old drunk at the park. My grandma when she was younger was nearly raped or murdered on several occasions after being kidnapped, but she managed to escape every time. Brie is sick of how girls are blamed for not dressing properly when boys look at them funny. We seem to be too tolerant of sexual impropriety in men and shift the blame to women. I don't think they know about the laws in the middle East where a woman used to be punished for the fact that she was raped. My sisters said that it was a problem with this culture. I usually don't discuss politics with my family, but if I did then I would tell her that bad assumptions about women are made in many cultures. It is a consequence of the underdevelopment of mankind, and our old views are gradually being corrected. This way they might consider looking at it on a deeper level than just this culture while becoming optimistic about the future growth of mankind. To be fair I would like to mention sexual impropriety in women. The problem is not all men because sexual violence against men is almost as common as sexual violence against women. We should not make bad assumptions about men either. I remember when I was in school I had a lot of girls hitting on me and touching me inappropriately. Usually it is men on women, but if we want to address the issue as a whole then we need to take this into account as well. Maybe an experiment can be run in which we put boys and girls in different schools. We can then later see if there behavior changes as there would be fewer incidents of sexual harassment. Maybe this would help correct sexual impropriety in this culture. Remember your next objectives. You made good progress and it is important that you continue your education. My next reading might be "How to get rich.". This might change how I think about money while changing my behavior toward my job and how I think about it. Good luck on your learning and keep up the good work. Don't get burned out or complacent as that is the biggest obstacle to growth and it prevents the snowball effect to you living the best life possible. This is self love.

To add on a little bit to yesterday, my grandma is learning about spiral dynamics. She sat through the entire video on stage blue without pausing. It looks like I found a way to help educate her. She finds the model interesting and it can help her understand the conflict between the left and right in American politics. After a couple of weeks this might affect how she acts around my left leaning sister, making their relationship a little bit better.

June 27, 2020 Today I worked from 8 to 12:30. I did not do anything interesting at my job. I noticed that I have three days off in a row this week. I have many books I still need to check out and a lot of chess homework. I am almost done with the book on disaster capitalism. I learned about red zones and green zones which demonstrate how extreme inequality can be when people falsely claim to be relieving people from a disaster because they want to profit. This happened in Iraq and new Orleans during hurricane Katrina relief. It is becoming a new norm to exploit a dying population for whatever money we can get. This could be repeated with other hurricanes, but it is harder here because President Bush was forced to reverse harmful policies. Disaster capitalism fails under democracy, and that is one good example. I got through about 30 chess exercises today, but I still have about 30 more to finish. Some of the exercises were losing which left me confused. I don't know how to solve a losing position, and I don't think that position was supposed to be there. If I can get through all the exercises my coach will send more advanced work. I had my mom's birthday celebration. We did not have dinner, only came and I have a headache because of all the sugar. This is a problem and I want to change up my diet at least a little bit. For now I am exhausted. Do what is best. Self love includes your health.

June 26, 2020 I am not gonna fall behind on my blog again. Today I had a chess lesson in decoy and deflection. These are advanced tactics that a lot of grandmasters miss sometimes and amateur players miss easily. I found another weapon against the morra gambit where I set up a mating trick against white. I might check it out, but I think it is about equal. It might give me a decent chance against the gambit. Otherwise Nf6 might be better, declining. The coach said he wants me to finish the homework soon so I can get sent more advanced topics. This encourages me to do a lot tomorrow. I will probably do most of the 62 exercises I can to do. I should finish by Sunday. In the correspondence game I am now crushing him. I am exposing the white king, taking all the pieces, and white is about to run out of moves. He will probably resign soon. I still messed up earlier, but I turned out fine. Strange how Rfd8, a natural move is a decisive mistake for black. I needed to sacrifice the pawn back for a better position. I continued with the book on disaster capitalism. I learned about the looting of Iraq. The U.S.did nothing to stop it and planned to impose extreme capitalism again. I would say it failed every time except for the few who actually benefited. The Baghdad museum was raised and the culture was stripped. This would be devastating to deeply religious countries and this careless destruction probably regressed the development of the middle East considerably. This was in 2006 when it all went down. If your school never explained why the world hates America, this might explain it. My country could be hurting a lot of innocent people, making it very selfish and exploitative. I benefit from this and it is not clear how it would be stopped. Naomi Clein thinks that the battle of ideology was a lie. Socialism did not lose because extreme capitalism was imposed. A mixed economy is still healthier and we don't have to assume that capitalism is the best because our culture forced on others around the world. Similar to religion, just because Christians killed all the Muslims does not mean the Christians were right. Maybe the Muslims were still right, but less powerful.I I did not encounter anything interesting on my walks. For the most part I was trying to figure out why my head kept getting sucked into the abortion debate. Actually it is not a bad and thing and it is actually helpful. The deeper implications of the unanswerable questions are what made me interested in truth and spirituality. All the policy debate is just the tip of the iceberg. Our positions are maintained through constantly lying to ourselves by pretending that we did not imagine the point at which not murder switched to murder. In a sense I can say thank you as this seems like an unexpected path to help understand God. I am not sure if I should write everything about it or not. Seek truth for Truth's sake and continue with your education. Personal development is self love. Let's find out what else you can learn. Good luck.

June 25, 2020 I got kicked off my schedule again with staying caught up in the blog. It would be easier if I could stay on the same day so I don't have to think too far back. Yesterday I spent 6 and half hours at work, so I lost a lot of the day that way. The most I did for personal development was before I went to work. I learned about shock therapy in the U.S. This happened after 9/11 when the executive branch was able to seize more power for starting wars. The war on terrorism was meant to profit from the beginning and it has backfired on us terribly. Donald Rumsfeld, the Secretary of defense made huge profits. In order to leave his post, he would have to sell of companies that had a lot of control over how the federal government would act in case of a virus breaking out. Disaster capitalism would sell medicine just in case you need it. He failed to sell of his shares and actually maintained power as secretary of defense even after his resignation. He made a ton of money from disaster capitalism and it seems way too tempting to resist for those in power and it can make them very corrupt. I did not yet finish all of the homework on the pin. I did the first 10 exercises, but there are 60. My opponent in correspondence chess lost his bishop. I feel like I am a little burned out with chess and I need a rest. I think I have one more session before I need to pay again. I might take a break to think about it if I am not sure if the benefits. As for my diet I am so sick of cereal and bagels. They often don't fill me up and I can't get enough to eat. I can't use the blender to make smoothies and the eggs would be loud if I tried to make them. My options are limited because of the quarantine and I am bored of eating the same garbage meals because the healthy options are too loud for the rest of my family. I can try making smoothies at night and putting them in the fridge. My grandma is working on getting through all the stuff I sent her. I hope she likes it. Rest of you need to. You can pick up chess in a healthier way later on if you want. Find what is best for you.

@Dodo I actually messed up earlier when I played Rfd8. I am looking for a better system because I seem to have inconsistent results against this gambit. I missed Be3 earlier.

June 24, 2020 Finally, I can get caught up on the blog. I went to work by 8 a.m. I did not accomplish anything interesting there, but my hours are still cut for pros and cons. I notice that I tend to focus on the cons, but I have a lot more spare time for reading and learning. Maybe I could dedicate more time to updating my resume for other jobs to see who pays more. I also spent more time self reflecting which lead me to more education. I feel like I can more easily let go of my opinions and positions which I feel my culture encourages me to create and cling to like others do. What is left behind is emptiness, love, and self acceptance. When I got back home I continued with my education. Today I learned about a convenient gap of knowledge in most capitalists. Everyone talks about evil evil communist Russia. Nobody talks about the aggressive extreme capitalism that followed the cold war. The Pinochet option was used with privatization. This put people in poverty and starvation just like with communism because of the economic disaster created. The U.S. intended to benefit from these private corporations which might be why Russia thinks we are an economic parasite. If this were a more common point over communist Russia, many extreme capitalist positions would fall apart when they want deregulation. I noticed that my culture encourages me to think communism is evil. This prevents me from opening my mind and learning about any kernel of truth that may be left behind. I would be shot down and laughed at if I actually told people that I was a communist. This is an unfavorable opinion which encourages group think. I want to rise above this and continue to educate myself as much as I can on politics, spirituality, and maybe other topics like science. I continued with a chess game against one of my strongest opponents. My anti benko system was very helpful and it took him by surprise. I had some inaccuracies in the opening, but I ultimately pulled ahead. I eventually had a decisive advantage with a knight sacrifice, but I needed the precise continuation to win. I failed to find it and I lost when I was so close to my highest rated victory yet. My calculations were wrong because I dismissed my intuition too soon and failed to find the one way to win. The queen could not defeat three pieces and I lost. I was disappointed, but I let go of the emotions that came as it makes chess less pleasant and could burn me out. It also can prevent me from being more productive. Recently, I have been playing chess less because I want to learn more about other fields as well. I feel that chess becomes limiting and I don't learn as much about life as I would like. It can be fun, but I feel less attached to it compared to how I used to be. I was afraid my productivity would drop, but rather than operating under this fear I seek self love. No matter what you ultimately choose to do, you are not less for it as a waste of talent for wasting your time practicing. I instead choose love and I give you much greater freedom.

@Dodo if you put it that way it makes more sense. It looks less like you are making fun of them and more like you are concerned for the people endangered because of their actions. I see that currently a favorable opinion is to agree with BLM. If we disagree then people are likely to see us as bad guys so I should be careful with group think still. The same happened to me when it came to Justin Bieber by the way. I had no problem with it until everyone around me made fun of him. I wonder how many people were actually just saying that because their friends told them to act this way.

@Dodo I understand what you mean. I prefer to avoid judging people of it does not affect the outcome. This way it could contribute to unnecessary tension should others view what is being done as good and important. One example is the destruction of racially charged statues. Probably those offended by them will continue destroying them whether I agree or not. My judgement helps me to fit in with the people around me and is therefore group think, not as genuine as I could be. I remember I thought of trump as stupid when everyone around me said so. Actually I was just putting on a mask to match what was popular. If you found yourself in front of people who were once victims of police brutality, they would not be happy if you said that. I don't think less of you for this, but be careful as it could backfire badly on you.

June 23, 2020 I continued with more chess homework and self education. The shock doctrine is getting closer to the modern day which I find disturbing because I was secretly hoping we were beyond disaster capitalism, but we are not. This is a little depressing, because it is unclear what we can do. In fact I would like to ask this forum how to create a successful political movement and to actualize any goal. I am always stuck at the how in spite of having many great ideas. I don't think I should exploit disasters to push through policies that would fail democratically. After I worked through half of my chess homework on the smothered mate, we needed to visit my grandma. When we got through all the traffic near the Ohio river we made it to her house. Shortly after our arrival my racist grandma brought up how stupid she thinks black lives matter is. I was previously contemplating how might I possibly get through to her. I watched my sister struggled to reason with her and I noticed that no matter what valid point my sister made my grandma's brain could not allow it to register. I realized that I could not reason with her because her mind is way too fixated on anything that confirms all of her previous beliefs that black people are stupid and they should get over slavery because there is no systemic racism today. She brought up the racially charged statues. I previously asked the forum about this. I thought that the statues could be seen as art, but I realized that they were offensive. One possible compromise we came to was that we could move the statues out of the public eye and into a museum for educational purposes while attempting to avoid the glorification of racism. This way we can learn about historical leaders while avoiding vandalism. The more I think about it, the less attached I become to our history. Most of the statues will probably be destroyed, and I realize that history is not sacred. I was unable to voice my thoughts to Brie and her grandma. Grandma emphasizes the history and Brie emphasizes how people are offended. Again nothing clicked with my grandma. She thinks that her racist paradigm is objective reality, not that I am using this as a means to get complacent because I still have much more self education to do. My sister later told me that she wanted me to play the Xbox before my grandma gives it away. Grandma is still paying for the gold membership because she can't cancel it. I played star wars battle front 2 and played galactic conquest. My most notable battle was the battle of naboo. I played as the rebels against the empire. I played very well in this battle killing many enemies and stealing a tank from the empire. The battle was hard because only the empire was supposed to have tanks and the rest was good soldiers and turrents. In spite of my best efforts my men were slaughtered. I captured one command post across narrow bridges where the tanks could not reach me. I was the last man standing against 15 storm troopers with tanks. They took over the rest of the map. I started by patrolling the bridges near the health droid to keep me from dying. Two troopers attempted to capture the last command post but I killed them. I looked across the river and saw a tank patrolling the city, it could not see me or reach me. We were stuck at a stalemate and I was forced to make a risky move. When the tank turned around the corner, I bolted across the bridge and ran toward an enemy command post. I captured it and stole a tank. The post across the bridge swiftly fell to the empire, but I started picking off troopers one by one. I sped my tank to the opposite side of the map and suddenly the empire capture all command posts and would claim victory in 20 seconds. I captured a different command post with 7 seconds left in the clock. I patrolled the city once more and blew up the last of the empire's tanks from behind with missiles. Suddenly I was ambushed by the rest of the empire. They were foot soldiers throwing grenades non-stop. The tank was taking a beating, so I fired missiles into the hallway and blew up the remaining forces. "The rebellion has received credit for our unexpected capture of naboo." The space battles were much more repetitive, but at least Hoth was fun. After the game I packed up some clothes and chess sets before leaving. My favorite set is the Lord of the rings. When we left we got in the car and my sisters talked about what the BLM incident. My grandma said that she wants us to stay open minded and see both sides. I told my sisters that she is the close minded one. I tried suggesting that my family consider reading a few books on politics, but they were not interested. They read zero books but assumed that the information was not valuable enough. I hope Americans become more humble when we realize that we are badly under educated on politics. They probably won't though, but I won't judge them. When I got home I had a feeling that there may be nothing I could do to re-educate my grandma. I made one last try through messenger. I told her that I did not get to talk much to her over my sisters. I explained that I was working on personal development and I was considering learning more about politics because I see it as a potential vehicle to do a lot of good for mankind. I am aware of the risks, and I understand that constant self reflection is necessary to prevent corruption. One of my goals is to read 100 books. I sent her the series on spiral dynamics. I told her that it can help liberals and conservatives to understand each other. I did not send her stage turquoise. I stopped at stage yellow. She probably won't go through all of what I wrote unless I tell her it is there on Sunday. If it all fails, I don't want people to take what my grandma says about them personally. I know you tried. I remember that my sense of awareness and self is something that may lead me to truth more effectively than changing other people. Your contemplation and reflection is a high form of self love.

June 22, 2020 Today I began taking my education more seriously. I spent about two hours learning about the shock doctrine, I read a little bit more about not knowing, I finished some chess homework, and I self reflected further like I always try to do. The shock doctrine blows a lot of simple minded libertarian arguments completely out of the water so far. Capitalism as a fundamentalist position is just as ideological as religion and can lead to intense cruelty. Socialism actually held the societies together as extreme capitalism tore countries apart through forced evolution. Just like in an individual level, forced evolution does not meet the needs of where we currently stand. This backfires and stunts out growth. By assassinating presidents and forcing a capitalist ideology on a country to exploit the disasters, they are torn down completely and actually regress in their evolution. I think the political book list is a great start before returning to college so far. At least I can soon say that I am not entirely clueless about what I am talking about and I actually have a better chance of creating good meaningful systemic change for mankind. They are low priority, but I am curious and learning a lot. I do a lot of side research at the same time looking at the riots and killings that sounded too unbelievable to be true, but they did all happen around the globe for the sake of profit. This is how dangerous capitalism as an ideology can be and we should not be too quick to jump together the healthy forms of socialism that hold us together with Soviet style communism. These people do not know what they are talking about and I now I know why people get so upset with This conflation. I am annoyed with the correspondence game I was playing. I missed a bishop retreat and suddenly I got a bad position after the natural Rfd8. My results against the Smith morra gambit seem risky and I think I need a better system that leaves more room for error or is easier to play. I also notice that I am a slow reader. I may want to learn speed reading because I could be so much better at self education than I currently am. If I am able to improve my speed, there is so much more I will be able to Integrate in this self education. I feel much more empowered than I did without education and much happier. Let's go.

June 21, 2020 I did a lot of contemplation on this day. I wondered "what does it mean to love myself?". Saying I love you without this clarity makes it feel empty. One way I can sum of up is by living the best life possible. This includes a life purpose and a vision which I need to learn how to create. A lack of a purposeful life leads to stagnation and a gradual increase in dread of ordinary life. I wrote about my life purpose on paper. I noticed that I quickly assumed that a life purpose should uplift mankind in some way on the largest scale possible. I questioned this and it seems that there is no other reasonable life purpose if it does not uplift mankind. A question of scale can be balanced by what is realistically within my power. This may change over time. I am consistently drawn to politics because I see it as the potential to do a lot of good for mankind, but it can also be extremely harmful. My limiting belief is that I don't have the means to do extreme good in politics. This prevents me from educating myself in his the government works and what concretely needs to be improved and how. This is why I lack a vision. To draw an analogy, I love to write and I made good poetry for a contest after several hours of writing drafts. I could not have made this poem without research about the big mac. I went into the history of McDonald's to find all the possible references that I could make. Education is the key to building a vision. This is why I must educate myself as much as possible about politics to see what I can possibly change to make the world better. I am now more curious about the political books on the list and I can start running through some of those for starters. There is a lot of ideology surrounding stage orange capitalism and stage green socialism. I want to see if I actually understand what it means to say "capitalism run amok.". The shock doctrine is the first book I can check out. I know these books are lower priority , but I am curious about politics and I want to make sure my education is less of a problem when building a life purpose. I will be taking my self education much more seriously because it is central to building a vision. Without it I will coast and be complacent. I realize that I still need to get enough money to actually accomplish good systemic change. This money can also go towards travelling in order to try psychedelics to see if a spiritual awakening can help me understand reality at a deeper level. I need to know where this money will come from because my current job at Kroger would never provide the time nor the money for these trips and retreats. Maybe it can help shoulder some of my college debt when I go back, but not much more beyond that. Although inspired by the greatest good for the greatest number, I switched my major and became undecided because of the fear of failure. This is why I never fully let go of this possibility. What if I continued and I found a way to make a career in politics work? What possible sources of income could I find in this field? How would this relate back to personal development? The key to politics is self reflection. Be the best human you can be and rise above your biases to detect the greatest good for everything. This way I ensure I don't become corrupt and do more harm than good. I am curious about where I can possibly go with all of this. Maybe a politician, maybe I could work in quiet areas away from the debate. Let's see what I uncover.

@Lenny ArchangelG summed it up pretty well. I see how humans operate under different belief systems and it can lead to killing each other because from our point of view our ideas are true. When talking about truth it means something outside of any particular belief system labeled true. In this sense the truth transcends the labels true and false which leads to not knowing. I have done more self reflection and contemplation, but I have a hard time telling when I actually understand truth. I also notice that it is easy to convert not knowing into being right where there are true beliefs about truth which isolates me from further understanding. The distinction is important because it is easy to fall back into the default way of thinking due to interpretation about what is experienced. I also need to watch carefully for my mind holding itself back in this way. In this way maybe truth is the experience of not knowing and right is everything else outside of experience and is completely conceptual. I don't know how to tell when I am being the truth because that would be my not knowing.

I am seeking clarity on this distinction. One source of fear is the discomfort created by the possibility that everything we think is true is wrong. Comfort is created when we think we are right. That is we think our beliefs correspond to truth. The problem is the nagging possibility that we are wrong which puts us in a hard spot when being right does not lead to knowing. Letting go of my idea that I am right leads to not knowing and a weird shift in awareness. My mind becomes quieter, but I don't see much Beyond that. I don't think my mind can understand truth if it is converted into a belief leading to the idea of an idea being right. Everything I type here feels right. This is hard. How would you distinguish right and truth? How do you seek truth instead of being right? What is the difference in method? I feel like thinking does not work if my thoughts feel right.

June 19-20 2020 I had some very complicated events happening for the past couple of days so I will need to simplify. Sorry I was unable to post. Starting in the 19th I had another session with my coach. We studied the pin and the exercises were getting hard. I solved most of them without a problem, but sometimes I saw the answer and I tried to compensate for this by using the normal thinking system which I can't do if I am purposefully avoiding the answer. I told my coach about the tournaments and he sent me drills to study. I did not do the drills, and instead I studied my openings. This was not helpful in this tournament because nobody played the main lines. They played bad side variations. I got good positions and good games until I blew it and lost. The lesson to be learned is that I often tried to compensate for my self bias by not allowing me to make excuses. I now acknowledge the circumstances and control them the best I can. By not acknowledging this, I beat myself up and I burn myself out when I am never happy with chess. My performance never satisfies me in that case. I also paid attention to how I process my emotions. I noticed a lot of tension that caused me to hold emotions in. I started changing how I process emotions so that it is not as painful. I also learned that most of my problems are created by me trying to compensate for another problem. By gently applying awareness, it becomes easier to find the balance without swinging the pendulum. In the tournament I won 3 games and lost 2. I did my best and focused intensely. It is possible that by being intense that I am actually backfiring on myself. If I can be calm during the games it may prevent me from growling when I make a bad move and I may be better at applying my thinking system if I am not forcing myself. I did not beat myself up and I was instead satisfied that I did my best. As I waited for each round I meditated. This was helpful for changing how I process my emotions while filtering this increased consciousness through the rest of the day. I found a convenient spot for this between rounds. I still can do more anyway I'm my bedroom. This way I am not distracted by needing to check if the game started. The tournament ended at 11 and I needed to be at work by 6 a.m. Today I worked from 6 till 10. I could not get a haircut because the barber has different opening times and different rules in place due to the virus. After getting back home I watched Dragon ball z and unfortunately it got boring because there was a ton of training. Finally I got back to work on chess. I prepared for another tournament today. I finished my drills and made a study for the other 5 games from yesterday. My coach said that I get good positions but I rush when I have an advantage. As for the drills I missed the last one because so did not notice the pin on the f2 pawn. Nf1 needed to be played. I think drills are much better than simple tactics because the answer could be anything. I made adjustments to my evaluation method by noting things like pins and other possible tactics I need to be aware of. In this tournament I won 3 games, tied one and lost one. I did better than my last tournament and had shorter time controls. Tomorrow I will need to add these games to my study and get to work on the homework. I have two more sets of 12 exercises plus a blitz tournament at 2 p.m. I am a little busy. I hope you understand I am doing my best and I want to see how far I can go with this. I also want some adjustments to my current life like my job. I may do that on one of my days off this week. I can also type in my book on days where there are not tournaments. This sounds like fun. I am still playing correspondence against my follower. His first inaccuracy with Bb5 was not that bad because he creates a pin. The problem is that I developed the rest of my pieces without a problem and he played passive moves. He played both h3 and a3. These are common moves by beginners and it is often unnecessary. In this case these pawn moves did not harm my development and now it will be even harder for white to prove compensation for the lost material. I still should be careful to make sure I do not drop the pawn back. So far I calculated his forcing ideas and I am safe with an extra pawn. I hope you reach self understanding. There are lingering emotions in the background that I can observe, experience , and release. I would like to see what is left behind after I let go of the clutter as I discover a new way of being. I might say this is a form of love.

June 18, 2020 I started practicing more blitz games and controlling my clock because of the shortened time controls in the online USCF tournaments. So far I have been getting good results. If you practice a lot of classical it is thought that it can filter into your blitz play as well. This is how we tell if somebody is a cheater because they don't have time to use an engine in blitz. I don't use an engine in either and my blitz rating is catching up to my rapid. It is going to bother me unless I tell you I used to cheat online a little under a decade ago when I was around the age of an early teen. I noticed that I was not really gaining anything, so I stopped doing that. I think someone else had a better chess engine anyway which is why I lost. I am still competing with one of my followers. It looks like I need to continue developing normally to make sure he does not find a way to hurt me with his extra development. His threats are Nd5 and Bg5. I did not see anything better than Nf6 and Be7 preparing to castle. Maybe I will play a6 in some lines to attack the misplaced bishop on b5. I think black is okay. I am not sure if there was something better than e5 or not. I worked a night shift this time. It was short and I spent most of the day collecting trash. When the manager seemed frustrated with me the word "bitch" popped into my head. I thought it would be terrible if I actually said something like that. I did not even need to think of her like that and it likely carried over from somebody else. I would like to resolve any emotional tension which may cause me to think this way as to avoid seriously getting myself in trouble. I need to be ready for the upcoming tournament. My objective is to play at my strongest as always. My focus will be shifted solely on these games to see how good I can be. I may integrate what I learned from my chess coach and avoid being sucked into one bad move. My intuition is reliable but not infallible. I need to proceed with caution in order to find the best way forward. Good luck and good skill.

June 17, 2020 Today I was off work. I spent more of the day reading and learning about identity and how it can create problems. Our identity can become a source of suicidal thoughts if we think of ourselves as living a meaningless life in a way that it disempowers us. Thinking of ourselves as smart people limit is to bring one particular way as we become fearful of being wrong and looking foolish. This identity can cause us to feel threatened even by music we don't like. I have a lot of different music I pick from, but I like silence more. I continued with chess homework and did damiono's mate and half of the double attack. I could have finished the rest, but my sister was coming home with cheese cake and I could not tell if it would be 5 minutes or an hour. I waited and it ended up being an hour, and I no longer has time to finish the homework. One of my followers is still playing correspondence chess against me on chess.com. I feel that he played the gambit incorrectly. Usually white plays Bc4 to threaten the f7 pawn. This forces black to play e6 instead of e5. My opponent played Bb5. He is trying to pin my knight on c6. I considered Bg4 and Bd7. I felt that e5 provides it works tactically is the most flexible move because I might play Be6. If white plays Qa4 then I will play Bd7. I don't think white can exploit the weakened d5 square well enough to justify Bb5 because of a6, Bxc6, bxc6 defending d5. White could try to sacrifice Nxe5, but this leads to an endgame with an extra piece for black. I think black is solid so far, and I need to play very carefully to refute this gambit line. I managed to win a game on lichess, putting me in a positive direction again. I will proceed with caution in every game and find the opportunities once they are presented. I am working on my process of thinking to see how I think about each candidate moves so I can use my time more effectively. This is crucial because of the online real tournaments have shorter time controls and I still need to play the best moves I can find given the shortened time controls. I also may need to practice blitz games. I tend to spend too much time on those positions and I need a mouse for my laptop to move the pieces faster. Chess.com also had real tournaments. I tried researching transpersonal psychology but did not find any colleges near Cincinnati. I would look into this because I wonder how truth would impact how I live my life. Life coaching and business are possible areas of this study which seems convenient. I still need to compare goodwill to Kroger for now though. I would like to spend more time typing my book because they makes me happier and accomplishes a little bit more than running. I still like running, but if I did just a little bit less it would make me even happier because of the self reflection I would have from the book. I also want to correct this habit of typing one day behind. Maybe I should look at how other people type and see if I get good ideas from them. Do well on your quest.