trenton

June 11, 2020 I had a poor streak in chess today. I had some draws and rated losses. The positions were complicated and I did not play the precise moves when I needed to play them. My moves were mostly brilliant until I failed to find the follow to make a brilliant victory. This includes dynamic piece sacrifices that were actually good and a constant computer defense in the other game. I played one casual game and won that one against the man who wanted to play me. I worked from 3:30-8:15 today. My job makes it incredibly difficult to play in chess tournaments given the current crisis. I still want a better job and I don't want to settle for this at all. That would be a terrible thing to do. I feel like I did not accomplish much today. I can't tell why. I did not really do much YouTube outside of music. I feel tired and sad. I moved slower today and did not have the same energy as usual. I did not finish all the chess homework I wanted to. I don't want to make excuses. I have work to do with my coach tomorrow. I need to rest sorry for the undetailed day. I posted a little bit about truth vs right in the forum. I need to rest.

June 10, 2020 This day was emotionally difficult. First I got up at 5:10 am because my work schedule for Kroger makes absolutely no sense and my hours were cut in half for no clear reason. I got home exhausted and decided not to play chess. I laid down in bed and did not feel much more rested. I watched some videos which made me for more anxious. It is like videos hardly lift my mood at all and I do it just to do it. I was expecting to leave for my other grandma's house at 5. Just before we were about to leave, my mom snapped and threw a fit over property which she thinks belongs to her, but dad stole. My sister was worried that she would fight with Nanny over all of this. We had to cancel the trip, but mom insisted that we go anyway. She argued for over an hour. Nanny said she would call the police if mom tried to come in her house. My intuition told me that I should go with my mom to Nanny. I felt that law enforcement might be necessary to adjudicate this issue. It is a little hard to say what exactly my intuition was trying to say, but it is kind of close. Everyone else was against it so I still did not go. Maybe it was a bad idea and I can't tell when to trust my intuition. Maybe I failed to distinguish thoughts from intuition and it became dangerous. I was fine with the cops showing up. I waited for all of this to blow over. Finally mom tried to talk to me because she looked at my body language and I seemed upset. I looked like I was about to cry because I could not come up with many solutions outside of going to court. My sisters tried to talk to me and I slowly told them what they needed to know. I did not drop the issue and I tried to write down all possible solutions. Brie thought there was nothing I can do and so did mom. After writing 8 unpleasant solutions I was about to call Nanny. Brie did not let me. Nanny then called us. Brie told Nanny that I really want her to get along with mom. They both started being nicer after that. It looks like me being pushed to tears and stubborn somehow helped. My family is telling me that I am constantly trying to avoid conflict. I don't understand human relationships. It does not feel true when I say I love you. I don't know what to do about that.

June 9, 2020 I had a good day today. I just finished some contemplation which can be viewed in the above posts. I took out the part about psychedelics because I don't think my family would be happy to hear it. They might lump it together with mom, dad, and Jordan. They might not understand that I don't intend to be a drug addict and actually psychedelics are a tool for spirituality if used properly. I will need to try mushrooms in a small dose first to make sure, I don't get traumatized by 5 meodmt. They probably did not learn that these types of drugs are misunderstood in this culture and have anti addictive properties that could save people's lives. Today I had good events in chess. I had my highest rated victory against an opponent rated 2356. My current rating is 2252. He is currently the 56th highest rated classical player in lichess.org. I played the tal gambit against him. This is named after a former world champion Mikhail Tal. I did not study the theory in a long time, but my instincts were good enough for the most part. We both made one mistake, but his mistake was more serious and I won a piece. I analyzed the variation afterwards and found that I have a lot of attacking chances with black if this variation is played properly. I used mainly positional understanding and simple calculation. He did not capitalize on my mistake and he played fast. This is how I attribute my victory somewhat to luck because he made a pretty silly mistake for such a strong player. I need to remember to be careful as When strong players dont pay attention they still blunder badly. I found that this player like other players I went against, was part of the team called the Cheater Investigation Association (CIA). I remembered the man I was talking to who was worried about cheaters. In my paradigm I should be less worried about cheaters and more so on self improvement. I saw that this paradigm did not resonate with him, and I felt that he would be happier if he joined this team. I messaged him and sent him to this team. He was thankful because he thought he was the only one worried about cheaters. He saw that there were some paranoid people who report others for no reason. They might be sore losers. He decided to post his list of cheaters and the evidence to see how the team responds. He seems optimistic and I hope it goes well for him. He was really annoyed when his reports were not taken seriously until a fide master reported the guy he reported weeks ago. If he is accurate and all goes well, this will make lichess.org more fair for everyone. The lessons on improve my chess are still hard and I watched an awesome game between two chess computers. The precision was ridiculous and white allowed black a second queen for a checkmating attack. The other computer saw all of this in its calculation and made a perpetual check to force a draw and prevent checkmate. Outside of chess, I did a lot of walking and still had sugar. I ran some errands for my grandma and I watched some YouTube but not a lot. I spent a lot of time on this forum typing these messages as a form of clarification. This is helpful. I have a lot to do. I love you. Meet your challenges well and do your best.

I think the love I express to my family is often limited. I am using the words "I love you" more frequently which might slowly change their overall emotions and attitudes. By "I love you" I mean I accept everything about you unconditionally even if your behavior is bad for me such as stealing my money, making me cry, lying to me, ignoring me, or anything else. For my brother I am presenting him with options which will improve the long term trajectory of his life, or so I think from my vantage point. This includes explaining the value of self reflection as it leads to emotional control. He has a lot of anger issues and I think it could bite him years down the line and it already is biting him when he tries to use his anger to distract from the fact that he is lying and we can tell. My brother respects me more because he sees how I love him. Jordan does not come over very often. It can be hard for her to see how I love her. I might be more comfortable talking to her compared to other family members. This may be a similar form of love that Charlie has for me where I respect Jordan because I see how she loves me clearly enough. I want what is best for her by staying out of illegal drug activity and away from her boyfriend who is useless for her becoming a vet. He may become counterproductive. I see similarities between mom and Jordan in that they both express a softer form of love. I wish I could love her more. Brieanna is someone I love more easily by taking her criticisms more seriously. She points to faults and one of them is that I often get stuck in Trenton land not noticing that people are talking to me. This is why stepping outside of Trenton land and into careful listening is a little bit better. I use this for self improvement and for Brieanna's sake so she has less unpleasant long term emotions. One bad assumption she makes about me is why I don't like it when she yells. She thinks that I don't want her to nag at me, but this is only partially true. I mainly don't want her to get increasingly angry while there is nothing I can say or do to change the situation. This is unnecessary suffering which could be minimized and she is hurt the most. I have a compromise I can draw with her. She lets me interrupt her to correct a false premise when she is yelling at me and in exchange I continue to step outside of Trenton land where I dream about unicorns, creating an obstacle to realistic and concrete self actualization. With my grandma I want to make her life easier by becoming less of an economic burden on her. She does not mind, but I think she would be happier if I achieved independence. I may not like the idea because it sounds like a ton of work and it may distract me from becoming better at chess. In case I can't make enough money off of coaching or anything else chess related, I need a back up plan. I need a job or career that I can be passionate about. I need something more and it might be in business. This offers opportunities to become independent to the point that I don't need a job. If I want to travel, become a chess grandmaster and more, I need enough money. I can't get it from Kroger. The chess courses are expensive already with my current income. My grandma is an excellent source I can propel myself forward with as I run toward what I love. My form of love for my grandma is that I will have to work my ass for self actualization. This will give me the motivation to overcome my addictions and dreaming of unicorns as I don't get closer to what is needed. Thank you grandma. By the way I will need to travel around the world to play in tournaments against grandmasters. I need college. For my mom I have simple form of love. I want what is best for her, just like I do for any other human being. I want her to have a healthy relationship with her daughters while ensuring that there are no drug problems. I want her to become less spiteful toward her daughters while rising above the games she plays as she bickers with them. She may point to Jordan doing weed to distract from the crack pipe Jordan claimed to find on her bed. I don't know if mom will ever rise above this bickering with her daughters, but if she could she would be happier. I contemplated love in the past and I realize that there is nothing transcendent about similarities in my DNA that makes one human being objectively more important than another, that is simply from the point of view that my family is closer to me and has a bigger impact on my life. This is why I do my best to be kind to strangers as well. I may listen to a schizophrenic man for hours or I may help fix an old man's ceiling fan for no reward. I may help clean up a church, sometimes for a reward, but not always. The list goes on. Sometimes I could be mean realizing that it is not immoral. Contemplation can extend your expression of love. There is more I could write and I gained a lot through this writing. I may share it with my family. Good luck.

I forgot to mention that I have my list of grievances to my mother about things that could change in the family. The family thinks that I am asking questions on the level of counselling already and mom does not want to answer. I have difficulty trusting her because she lied about drug abuse before. Now it is her word against my sister's who said that she found a crack pipe. I don't feel like the family is taking this seriously. This was the first point of the other 9. Meanwhile mom said that she wanted me to pick one good quality from everyone that I am missing out on if I isolate myself from my family. I included my own self reflection and I said that I try to separate myself from the rest of the family because they are a negative influence on me and I notice that I can get sucked into arguing and making smart remarks if I am not careful. A similar pattern was used for people in school who humped people, yelled the n word, and physically fought each other. I realize that everyone in my family loves me in different ways. Jordan is understanding my point of view and recognizing my limitations. She did this a lot when we were children because I was diagnosed with autism and everyone thought I was weird. Jordan spent enough time with me to make sense of my behavior and how I think and she is non judgemental. Brieanna is a rougher form of love compared to Jordan. She emphasizes my faults which from one point of view seems endless. She is still helpful for improving myself in ways that I may ignore. She acts this way because she wants me to be better, thus she is not bad for acting this way and she is trying to be good even though I often see it as bad. When she is yelling at me in circles for 10 minutes I find it hard to not see this as a bad influence, but she means good. She is still helpful and I try to take her criticisms seriously for my own improvement. Charlie is a quieter form of love. I see that he tries to avoid arguing with me, but he does argue with Brieanna. He seems to have a preference for me because of how I never intend to hurt him. He struggles to point to something bad I did to him, but he can do this easily with my older sister. His form of love is a silent respect for me because he thinks I am easier to love after I shared life advice with him wanting him to live the best life possible. He also seems to have an easier time loving mom because she pampers him. My grandma is the only reason I can love a decent life. I can't afford my own house and I would never be in chess tournaments if not for her. Apart from being crucially linked to my survival she seems to be the kindest person in the immediate family. I might be second place. It would suck if she died which is why I need to self actualize and become independent before I am completely fucked. This is excellent motivation to propel me further. I don't have time for laziness, procrastination and any other form of bullshit because when my grandma died I better be ready. She emphasizes positive thinking which I may transcend and include as I am also integrating fear and love. My dad did a lot of terrible things. With my dad I was able to see intent behind all of his lies, criminal activity, and how he behaved around me. He wanted me to feel that he gave me helpful advice for my survival from the vantage point of what was necessary for his survival. His biggest fear is that I would think of him as a bad parent, therefore he wanted to hide from me that he pawned the Xbox because he could not pay the bills because he did not make enough off of drug dealing. Me thinking of him as a good parent was intended to make me feel better about myself as I pursue self actualization. His limitation is similar to mine in that he was unclear of what exactly I would accomplish, but he wanted this for me while he was unable to make it easier. My goal is to rise above our shared limitation by becoming a visionary which I am working on As I type this. My mom is a little hard to pin down. I see one form of love in concern. She sees me as the one who easily cried when yelled at. This is why she tends to be softer around me when compared to my sisters. I might be easier for her to love then my sisters. This concern comes from the simple form of love that I am her son.

June 8, 2020 I had some interesting experiences when I tried to give up some addictions. Instead of spending time on other forms of social media, I sat and did a lot of nothing. I did more meditation, and it became hard to focus when my arms and legs started moving a lot and I felt irritable. My thoughts felt more quiet. I felt numb in my head and body. I also struggled to find healthy foods that would fill me up sometimes. My stomach felt funny too. I am making more progress on social media than I am with sugar. I studied some instructive games in improve my chess. I learned about deep strategic points behind strange room moves that have a hidden strategy and force the opponent to make a commitment he does not want to make. It was a positional masterpiece and brilliantly played by these grandmasters. I finished my homework on back rank checkmates. I solved most of them easily, but there were two I struggled with. I needed to play a knight sacrifice followed by a queen sacrifice to win. In another one I needed to find a good defense for my exposed king yet I was still winning somehow. Overall I did great and I solved a ten minute puzzle instantly because I knew the pattern with a queen sacrifice from the previous brilliant puzzle I struggled with. I took a test called the elometer. It gives you 76 exercises to measure your strength. I saw some of the puzzles before and I performed reasonably well. My favorite puzzle was the Qg6!! Sacrifice from white. My final evaluation from the rest was an estimated so I strength of 2205. My online rating is about 2250. I have clearly improved and I know that I am decent player going into my tournaments. Good luck in your continued efforts.

I came to a video on which a UK protest toppled an old statue of a slave trader. I understand that in some world views we are glorifying slave owners and therefore allowing a racist world view to be less frowned upon. In my mind the problem is in his we perceive the statue and how we think about it. Maybe the statue is a work of art that reminds us of our history. They may no longer be viewed as heros, but given the culture at the time they were respected even though we disagree now. I don't see a problem in statues outside of which paradigm you decide to think about it with. I see that the influence of these protests might be that the statues are destroyed, but I think of them like art. I would look at a statue and admire how it is designed. What do you think about the statues? Which paradigm would you prefer? https://www.businessinsider.com/black-lives-matter-protesters-toppled-sunk-statue-of-slave-trader-2020-6 There are videos on this article in which protesters destroyed a statue.

June 7, 2020 Surprisingly I feel like I became less active after realizing how problematic my addictions are. Instead of spending time in YouTube I spent more time on other forms of social media like this forum. I asked about racially charged statues and engaged in discussions about black lives matter. Even my chess website supports black lives matter and there are protests all over the world. Lichess said that equality is a fundamental human right, not a political matter. I did make some progress with enlightenment in today's work. I meditated 20 minutes in the morning before headed to work and and a little more in the break room. I felt more in control of my thoughts and emotions. I think that meditation can ultimately help me overcome addictions like social media. Sugar is still hard for me to quit, but I am slowly reducing the intake. It annoys me that my family can't allow me to use the blender for fruit smoothies because it wakes them up in the morning before I go to work and it interrupts their phone calls for work from home. I also deconstructed my ideological positions on history as I engaged in social media with an open mind. If I did not witness the events, then to me it is all hearsay. I don't know how much of history is white washed and lies about. The people writing it could have all sorts of biases. One ideological position is that those who forget their history tend to repeat it. Maybe it is true, but this can turn into the insistence to preserve our history and "tell the truth!" As Dennis prager said. I actually only know what I was taught about human history, but not all the things we seemed unimportant. As for the statues I think a good compromise would be to move potentially offense works of art out of public and into a history museum where the statues will not be destroyed or viewed as glorified racism. I have an open mindedness exercise for anybody reading this. Imagine that Jesus Christ was white washed. Suppose that you were a historian recording the words of Jesus and he said "the kingdom of heaven is-". All of a sudden a woman runs into the room and yells that Jesus Christ tried to rape her. As the historian you tell her she is crazy because Jesus would never do such a thing. The woman is thrown out and ignored and then you continue writing down the words of Jesus while completely ignoring what just transpired. How much would this alter the course of history? How much would this mess up everything about our sense of reality, our cultures, and any religions if something like this was swept under the rug? What are all of the implications of the possibility that Jesus was white washed? How do you know this did not happen and nothing was ignored? How do we know what is true? I did not practice chess as much as I would like, but I learned about various forms of corruption during my research. This includes green washing, blue washing, and pink washing. The forum eventually devolves into people misunderstanding each other and they bicker back and forth with no progress. I find it fascinating to learn about all of this. I want to remember that I do have goals with self actualization and people can get very sucked into politics. If I don't do social media I could do more meditation, typing my book, chess homework, reading, maybe something else. I did a lot of running when these outlandish possibilities started being considered. If I improve upon my meditation habit, maybe I will do even better. This leads to emptiness.

@Leo Gura I would like to follow up on that to see if that is correct that history was written by devils. Are the statues the proof? Is there more proof?

@Serotoninluv i guess that makes sense. If a work of art could offend people, then maybe we should not keep them public. @SerpaeTetra. I agree that the protests are also beautiful.

@Preety_India I have a lot of doubts about history now. I don't know how often it is rewritten and by whom with what biases.

@Dutch guy why would we delete our history? there are many mistakes humans made throughout history including racism. It may be important to understand how hatred toward Jews could contribute to the holocaust. Philosophers and scientists made epistemic blunders because of their misguided reasoning, and we can learn from these mistakes.

I feel like the current protests are necessary to help resolve the underlying systemic problem of racism. I prefer not to participate in these protests because I don't want to get swept away in a mob and hurt somebody even though protests are intended to be peaceful. I think that if my property were damaged by this movement, then I would be mad at black lives matter. I see it can be complicated to take these different points of view into account. Notice how without the current protests we may not be talking about racism. Look at how much it affects out thoughts and perceptions. This is change happening.

June 6, 2020 I realize that my biggest problem is addiction. I can't meditate as well as I would like because I am addicted to sugar. I don't sit still because I am addicted to running. I don't type my book when I am addicted to YouTube. I don't focus when I am addicted to my thoughts. These addictions are putting a glass ceiling on how far I can go in self actualization. It interferes with my ability to understand reality. I am misaligned with what it means to be happy. Pleasure in this form creates anxiety when it is the primary form of happiness. This is inconsistent and weighs in the back of my mind constantly. If I could quit these addictions, it would be a major leap on all fronts. I have been working on my thoughts already with some success. Maybe I will try to improve upon my meditation habit because I feel more in control when I do. I think I should try the YouTube addiction. I tend to skip back into lower consciousness when I watch lower quality material. I could limit myself to two hours of YouTube. This gives me only enough time for audio books and possibly chess lessons. I also don't want to be too attached to chess. I did not follow my intuition to take a break and I lost two games. Maybe I need a limit for chess As well. I try to avoid setting a limit because I want to do well in my coaching. This could backfire if I burn myself out. I also have an idea for training. I could test my thinking system in computer games to see how well it does. This might make me blunder less, be more tactically aware, and consistently play stronger moves. This would take a long time, but I need to more effectively integrate this in my training. I seek a higher form of happiness than addiction. Overcome your greatest obstacle. I will do my best.

June 5, 2020 I had some interesting events today. I had another session with my coach and I solved the puzzles at a faster rate than I did before. My most difficult puzzle was one in which I offered a queen sacrifice 4 times and the queen was always immune from capture. I made the payment of 250$ for 5 sessions. I then played some more chess games and after some draws and wins my rating stayed the same. I am still one point below my peak and the players rated 2000-2100 are not giving me a lot of points. It takes a while to organize a game in that rating range and I worry that the pool will be too small if I set the bar too high. I tried to ask the really impressive player, but he is speaks Arabic. I will have to experiment and find a way to constantly play stronger players and consistently play well against 2250-2350 players. This is needed for my tournaments. I am also setting the intention to drop all of my ideological games. I notice I get pleasure from playing ideas in my head over and over as they feel more like reality. I want to rise above this deception mechanism by letting go of the addiction to debate. These ideas play in my head during meditation. The intention to transcend mind seems scary, but i want to see what it is like. Philosophy is the most dangerous because it is meant to be used for truth, but it is too easy to become ideological about that. I also feel like I am going deeper into a self deception because I do not fully understand self deception. I am a little bit unsure of what to do about that. I want to make sure that my beliefs and ideas do not feel like reality. Maybe I should list them. I judge myself a lot for wasting time and not doing self actualization work. I would like to stop wasting time but I again I get a lot of pleasure from watching speed runs for videogames. I then feel anxious in the back of my mind, and by comparison I feel happier from writing my book than I do from videos. If I install this replacement, I would be a lot better off and I can stop judging myself. I feel like crying because a simple habit change is hard even though it is good. I can have a million great ideas, but fail to deliver on all of them. I don't want this even though part of me feels okay with this. Through most of my life I was okay with living in my head not caring much about everyone else around me. I would laugh at thoughts in my head and take them like they are more important. If i recognize the pattern that this often backfires and is not a consistent method for happiness, maybe this is a start for transcending the mind and self actualization. I must admit that I am a bullshitter and the point of this journal is to help me move beyond that. That sentence helps me out a lot. Good luck.

June 4, 2020 I was having a lot of anxiety today. I feel like I am over committed with too many goals to meet all at once. I have the book of not knowing, writing a book, chess coaching, fixing my family (lesser jihad), I need a better job, I probably need to go back to college, and maybe something else. I want to be the best I can be, and I see how I can not easily stop anxiety from arising. My thoughts become neurotic and anxious, but the less I believe them the better. Chess players rated 2400 still beat me too easily. I did not have a lot of practice against the bogo Indian defense, and I could not remember the theory. I got a bad hanging pawn structure and a bad ending which I technically could have held, but I lost. I tried some blitz on my laptop and the slow mouse made me lose a lot of time. I can't play like that in blitz. I finished one part of the chess homework with Lolli mate. The session is tomorrow. I paid the full 250. I feel like I am getting burned out when I am unable to express my creativity in chess. I recognized the burning feeling when I contemplated what I was doing with chess. I cried as the possibility that I would have to move beyond chess bubbled up. I will see where this coach takes me first and then decide. I feel like I am limiting myself because I am lost with what to do with my life. I want a more powerful motive and a fulfilling life. Some good advice from spirituality is helping me to disidentify with my behaviors and habits. We tend to create patterns for making a predictable life, but the pattern is not me and I do not have to live by it. When this is confused for a trait, concept is conflated with reality. I think I am being a self help junkie. This becomes ideological and the identity created feels like a lie. I do not need to be this way, but I am somewhat whipping myself because I think my laziness and complacency will give me a bad life. This whipping should be avoided as it only works in the short term and eventually collapses. I also noticed that my tablet worsens my emotions. Still I feel worse when I watch a bunch of YouTube videos which are supposed to amuse me. They just annoy me because I am not doing greater things. I am sure there are more things I did not mention, but I need sleep. I don't know and I am lost. This does not have to be me forever, and I have a mission for you. Self Love.

June 3, 2020 I finished my list about what I wanted changed in the family. It was late by the time I finished, so I went to bed. I realize that I am dealing with other people, but I don't want to give up too easily. I am seeking what is good for them and I will not be blaming myself if I fail because I know I tried. The things I want the most are the following. I want my mom and younger sister to give all of the information about the drug problems they were having. I want to find I balance between isolation and connection. I want my older sister to understand that I don't want you to be upset for her own sake. She thinks I don't like listening to her, but she makes a lot of assumptions about what I try to communicate. In this entire process I remember that my own self reflection is the most important because it is in my control. As for chess my system against the benko gambit is working well. Most people seem unfamiliar and I am starting to win more games against it. Now I have to remember what to do against the bogo Indian or make up my mind as to weather or not I want to play the Nimzo Indian defense with white. I play it with black, so I probably would benefit this way. Love is more than my idea of love.

June 2, 2020 Today was emotionally intense. First my sleep is still a little weird because I woke up very early. I had a very strange chess game where I lost to a player who I had my chances against. All of this was the normal stuff without serious problems. The big stuff did not arise until we tried to claim some items which our father claimed was his, but he may have stolen. My sister was very upset about how she was unable to have a relationship with her parents. Finally, I explained how I over isolate myself to avoid the corrupting influence of other people. She took it in a bad way as if I called her a terrible person. One thing that I am relieved of, I don't know if it is ego, but people finally started to see my perspective. It probably is ego. They noticed how I distinguished behavior from the person and how I was not discriminating against her. I have the best interest of my family in mind and I hope we can start to understand each other. Maybe I was able to somewhat help the situation, but I am limited. People who need counselling most may not be convinced with logic that they need it. My younger sister does not want my thoughts to get to me. My self consciousness becomes dysfunctional if too much of my worldview is a reaction to what thoughts I have. This includes the thoughts planted in my head by corrupting influence of other people. Fundamentally I identify as the mind. If I am too caught up on my thoughts and I don't see that I have "bad" thoughts because I am good and would not want to do that, then the devil is found when good is called evil. This becomes the problem. Mom came over and we had a long conversation with yelling. I did my best to help the family heal and I encouraged the family to seek counselling to resolve this recurring issue. I could not logically convince them that the family could benefit. I paused to meditate during the argument as I did my best to stay focused on being the best I can be so I can be the solution rather than the problem. I tried to listen to everybody and learn their point of view, but it was not enough. It came up that my younger sister used marijuana and my mother had a crack pipe. This drug issue has been here before, but even arguing that this evidence that the family needs counselling was not enough. Unfortunately, I could not keep my cool forever. Eventually I cracked for a moment and I made a smart comment to my older sister. Although I recognized how what mom said was true in a sense, I did not help the situation. My older sister said that I did not need to apologize for anything when I told her sorry. I feel like corrupting influence is made worse by me imagining that it is there. That last sentence is peculiar because maybe it assumes the problem is conceptual, but this paradigm may be limited. The way I think about it may influence the problem though. My lowest standard is to say forget it if I can't help them and let the family suffer for years to come. I am choosing a higher standard because I care for their well being. I love you too.

June 1, 2020 To summarize what happened yesterday, I had a late shift and now my sleeping pattern for messed up again. I feel like my performance in chess has decreased again and this is a realistic cause. I have not been typing the book in some time because of the coaching that I am busy with. I also noticed my mind becoming anxious while at work which I feel happens a lot no matter the content of the thought. I played embarrassingly against a weaker opponent yesterday and won one game because he threw it away. I know that my work messes with my play in chess and this can help me to choose when my peak performance is. Alternatively I can train myself to play well in bad shape like a marine would do. This could make the normal way even easier if I play well always. I am struggling to remember more partially because I was thrown off my sleep for a bit, if I remember more before I type what happened today, I'll tell. I will meditate on the root of this anxiety. I love you and this is for you.

May 31, 2020 My awareness is changing and I am becoming more peaceful. I feel like I don't want to threaten people with my worldview and would this prefer to stay quiet and let people be what ever they want to be. I am letting go of some of my guilt that nags me. The reason so many things beyond my control like politics and religion play in my head is because of my idea that if one day I need to explain a difficult situation to people, I would want to give them a well thought out response that will be helpful to them. This could reduce the suffering of man kind at least in a micro scale as it passes to other people. I questioned how often do I need to answer these things and the answer is rarely. I need to use my resources for what is most common, not rare. Secondly, people do not need to assume that I am expert and if I hurt man kind by saying something stupid, I can let go of my guilt. This is not a resourceful emotion for guiding my thoughts. I am curious about what would happen if I surrender all of my shame and guilt. I may not yet be fully conscious of why I am drawn to these things. My intention is the greatest good for the greatest number which is one thing that drew me to all of that. My positions are maintained through repeating them to myself. I think it is possible that my positions are retained through self deception into thinking it is the truth. I may need to let these things go for truth. I am fine with giving a perspective to those who ask, but I will only give them what I am capable of. Usually people don't care anyway. As for chess my ranking is higher than people who are stronger than me like titled players. I need to be careful and continue to do my best. I had a few victories today. I had one of my highest rated victories against a player rated around 2270 or so. In the brief game I played yesterday I found a mistake and corrected it for this game, giving me a good advantage. I had a small slip in the middle game, but I ultimately won as I applied what I learned from my coach. I also had a stubborn opponent rated around 2050. I thought he was not gonna let me win with black but I outplayed him in the endgame. I also stumbled into an impressive player. He is rated over 2400. His real life fide rating is 2293, nearly enough to become a titled player. Currently I am working on getting my average opponent rating to 2000. I don't play people rated lower than that. This guy plays people with an average rating of 2250 and he usually wins. I often struggle to get paired with strong opponents so I will ask him for advice. I also studied his games. He usually plays the London system, but he lost to a grandmaster. I like the grandmaster system and I will apply this improved defense in my games. When I follow this advice I will be playing against stronger opponents regularly. This will be hard, but worth my while. I often end up playing people rated between 2000 and 2150 or so. Many of these wins are getting to be commonplace, but don't get arrogant, cocky or expecting to win by underestimating opponents who could be stronger than they look. Tough players demand that I give everything I have and that is what I plan to do. One thing that bothers me with getting stronger in chess is that it becomes chasing and it leads to a burning feeling. How can I enjoy this more without this chasing? That would make it a little more fun. I sense there is self deception if I tell myself that I want to be stronger, but I realize the significance is not that great unless I make it that way. I feel like I am in an awkward position when asking myself about these things. I would like to see the truth for myself As I recognize my mind is playing tricks on me. I am confused about how to deal with this. No matter what it may be, I am fine with who ever you are.

May 30, 2020 I finished my chess homework. I started solving some of the exercises very easily because there were many signs in the position that I needed to attack. They were all mating puzzles, but I applied a normal thinking system anyway. I played against a player with a provisional rating of 2400. He had a bad internet connection and I claimed victory because the last guy with a provisional rating that high was banned. I feel like this was not being a good sport and I lumped together a potentially good player with cheats by winning in an acceptable way, but I might prefer to wait and play the full game. This is where most growth comes from. This shame prevented me from playing more games for the day. I see how this emotional pattern can be problematic. I also see how my chat with another account biased my thinking. The other account told me that I am way underestimating how many cheats there are and he reported a dozen people. Maybe it is in my best interest to not continually expose myself to the information he was saying if it does not help me. I also studied the bishop pair from improve my chess. There were many games by Gary kasparov. I think these lessons are very instructive and helpful. I might recommend this site to you if you are interested. I went on some walks and I encountered an old man who needed help tying a string to his ceiling fan. The house was safe and I kept my balance on the chair. I struggled to tie the string at first, but with persistence I managed to get the string on well enough. Throughout the process he told me it was fine if I could not get it and that I was doing the best that I know how. On my way back home I thought about how I criticize myself. These judgements don't make sense if for that time I did the best that I know how. The same applies to other people. It does not make sense to call people bad, stupid, or evil if they are doing everything they are currently capable of given their limited capacity. This idea lead to non judgement and a deeper peace. My sister thinks that I think of her as someone who nags a lot. I don't want to hurt her in this way and I want her to know I love her more. Everything she does is what she is currently capable of. She would benefit if I loved her more. This makes me fine with not judging anybody for any action whatsoever. I then encountered an old woman who was drawing on the ground with chalk. At first she was nervous to talk to me, but she later told me that she likes the Beatles. She thought that I probably didn't know much about them. I pulled them up and started playing music on my cell phone. She loved it. She was happy that I was spending time with her, but finally I went back home to finish my homework. I feel more encouraged to get my diet straightened out so that my body does not get that bad when I'm older. When I encounter other humans on my walks it is usually awesome and I learn a lot. I am in the process of accepting you fully and unconditionally.

If anybody follows this thread, I am curious if anything said is helpful to you. Have you gained something from learning about this life and this worldview?

May 29, 2020 Today I had my second session with the coach. The training was hard and I struggled for many of the exercises. I was blind to "untouchable piece" tactics and I missed moves which seemed to lose material for no reason. My performance was embarrassing and I pushed myself hard to get the most out of the training. I had a lot of stress building up in the process the more pressure I was under. If this hinders my thought process, then I need to reduce stress throughout the chess game in order to maintain a clear thinking system. I tried to find a good weapon against the benko gambit, but I am not yet convinced. I won't go into too much detail because most readers may not understand all the variations I am explaining. I have one line in the fully accepted with considering, I could decline the gambit somehow, or I could play one of 2 side lines. 4 options at the moment. I will not keep losing games against this and I am going to find a way to play against this somehow. Out of the handful of games I played my rating overall increased, but I won against weaker players as I could not find tougher opponents. One of the players I beat was about equal to me. The one I lost was between 2250-2300 and he played the benko gambit. If I can defeat these players more consistently, it is tangible evidence that I am stronger. I did some meditation with my sister. We practiced full body awareness when I noticed a lot of back tension. I cried a little during meditation as I often do. One thing I would like to be free from is the idea that I am doing something wrong or there is something wrong with me. This becomes an anxiety ridden form of self reflection and self improvement. Letting this go leads to crying because all of my chasing and all of my frustration stems from this simple psychological set up. Somehow I am in the wrong. I would like to let this go for higher self love. I addressed a source that caused politics to occupy my mind. A while back I had the idea that I may find myself in a situation in which I need to explain complicated problems. This lead my mind to constructing all kinds of positions which often had a burning feeling to their maintenance. The thing is if I am not active in any major movements, then my direct experience tells me that I will either never or almost never be in a tough situation where I needed to answer such hard questions. If I overestimate how much of my resources should go to this, then I ultimately have nothing for the investment. What should occupy my mind depends on how I am active, otherwise it is irrelevant to me. On one last note. I don't want to overwhelm myself with too much chess. It might middle my thought process if I do it non-stop. I would like a solid balance for this to ensure I can be at my best and do my best. If I want the most out of my training, then I need to check when I need a break. I could measure this by my usage of a constructive thinking system. If I don't use this, then I am training a bad habit. I will let you become what is soon to emerge. You are my biggest project.

May 28, 2020 I got up in the morning and solved the remaining chess exercises. The homework from the chess coach totaled 44 exercises. I just barely managed to finish it all given my work schedule. We have a session in the morning and I feel exhausted and unfocused. As I rest I will set my intention to do nothing less than my absolute best tomorrow morning. This means giving everything I have and being the best player possible. Work is still very sweaty just like home. I did not do anything spectacular there. I noticed abortion popping into my head again. I often judge this as something useless or unhelpful. None of it needs to be a problem. I am curious of what would happen if I were free of any problems. If I don't judge whatever comes up it may lead to peace. Finally I say at home and did nothing special on YouTube for the most part except for one chess game where I played unimpressively and lost. I was never better against the London system. I still fail to achieve consistent wins against the top 200 players and I usually lose. I think I should listen to my intuition more often when I feel tired and less sharp. This loses time on the clock and the moves seldom improve significantly. Do you guys have any suggestions for what to do with my life? What changes would.you make if you were me? I love you. I need sleep.

May 26-27, 2020 It is really annoying that I remember less about yesterday because I had a night shift followed by a morning shift. Doing my best to remember. I discussed some of the challenges I encountered against the really tough opponent. He was rated 2400 and made a study for each of his games. He described the games in depth and explained where he thought I sent wrong even though the computer did not indicate this. He seemed to have pretty decent knowledge about the game of chess and I learned from what he said in the studies and out conversations. An interesting thing happened to this guy today. I was notified that I lost to a cheater. His account is now banned. I cannot tell for sure if he cheated or not, but it is interesting to note possible defense mechanisms used if he was a cheater. First, he told me that it was shady that he did not have a tournament rating. He said he did not blame me for my suspicions. This could be similar to a liar making small confessions in order to avoid big confessions. A cheater could admit that the behavior seems shady and that he understands my point of view, thus downplaying the behavior. What confused me the most is that he seemed to have real understanding of the games and he did in depth studies constantly. If he was a cheater, then it is necessary to be a decent player already so that it seems realistic for him to play that well. If you did not know, there was a handful of chess grandmasters who had their titles stripped because they were caught cheating. What makes it hard to tell is the argument "this is how a grandmaster plays, he is not a cheater.". The fact that he was a legitimately decent player was the evidence that made me think he was not cheating. I am not too concerned or upset about the situation, but I think it is cool and important to learn some of the possible signs of a liar and a cheater and the defense mechanisms they could use. A serial killer for example, can put on a mask of being very kind and charming, waiting for you to become vulnerable. In this particular case, I think downplaying the shady behavior was the biggest suggestion that he was a cheater. It is hard to tell for sure, but I won't let it bother me. As for my chess homework it is still a lot. My job does not make this easy, but a have another session Friday. I did not manage to organize a chess game everyday as I would have liked to. I still have many lessons to exhaust. Chess is a lot of work if I want to become the best player I can be. The day often seems too short. As for enlightenment. I am letting go of what I think enlightenment is because it becomes a source of ideology. For example, one thing that often through me for a loop is the fact that we focus on what a self is. I can follow the reasoning and some implications, but it turns in beliefs. One reason not to focus on what a self is would be because I would have to assume that there is a self, but actually this imagines a separation between a carved out space of reality and everything else. I feel like I could be taking hard won knowledge as obvious, but I realize knowledge is an illusion. Meanwhile, it is possible that I focused on this work for so long that I now have a whole bunch of beliefs which came from what I think are insights. Now it could be a bunch of beliefs that now feel like reality. The challenge that occurs is that any worldview I could have is often maintained through lies. From this perspective I think my worldview is that which is prior to all self deception with which I maintain any particular mask or identity. This includes, but is not limited to, insulting myself, moral righteousness, philosophical ego and all theories associated with it, my political ideas and positions, and many more. Truth is prior to all of these expressions and behaviors which is not what I say I am or act. The reason all of this is concerning me is because I want to make sure I realize what my worldview is and that I am not just copying some supposed spiritual ideal. The problem is that my identities are maintained through lies. My true worldview becomes the absence of identity and it is much more peaceful. I notice a lot of burning, anger, and a sense of arrogance coming up. This is another source of lies and it is an identity that is not my truth. The arrogance that I insulted myself for is something I think comes from taking things as obvious when I know I don't know. Maybe I should surrender this notion of obvious as I remember it was a lie to make me look certain and therefore advance my agenda being my claims about reality. When I describe my point of view, the one that feels most honest is the one that flows naturally without adding any other assumptions. From there maybe I can see what I normally operate from. I would like to surrender these lies because I value the truth about you, and your point of view. This is a form of love. I recognize that what I think of love becomes a mask that I act out. I surrender this mask as well.