trenton

July 30, 2020 I did have to work again today. I managed to have a nice conversation with another worker. He wants to be an artist, but like me he is having a hard time finding a better job. I told him that one thing that annoys me is specialization. Many jobs require that I have a degree in the field of past experience. This greatly narrows my options and it is not really worth getting a two or four year degree to get a specific job. He likes drawing and like writing. I wonder if we could actually do something together. He said he gets stuck when trying to write, and I get stuck trying to draw. Unfortunately, I had to get back to work before telling him the story about Jesus running up a tidal wave before doing a back flip off of it and firing a silver arrow through a bolt of lightning and into a dragon's mouth causing it to explode and collapse beneath the wave as Jesus grows Angel wings. This would be such an epic video game if I can avoid offending Christians even though some would love it. After getting home my YouTube cravings started weakening. Instead of judging myself, my idea is "do it As long as you want.". This is how I could notice when I get bored and don't really want to do this. Similarly, eating junk food is much more psychological than hunger driven. Many times I don't really want to eat, but I do out of habit which is dangerous. This is loosening as well. I finally finished the hard chess homework. Some positions took me a while to figure out, but very often I felt unfocused. I feel like I have not been playing as many games lately and I get less sharp when I don't play. It is caused by me looking at this as temporary since it is the life purpose course that I really want. I feel lost without a clear vision of what I want and many people reading this probably see how often I jump from one thing to the next. For now I have a mission to complete before moving on. I am able to control myself and give the focus if I really want to. I would much rather do chess well for the rest of the lessons. I have been experiencing a familiar form of happiness lately. It is very carefree and lax. I am constantly thinking that I need to be better than what I currently am. This leads me to running in circles relentlessly. What if I can stop this? You will experience inner peace of you want it. Be patient and stay focused.

July 29, 2020 I started off today by running through more Dragon ball videos. I think this is the last time I will do it before more comfortably letting go. I started hitting not interested because I ran through 20 episodes. I felt that I would not be able to force myself to stop, but with a little bit of contemplation I realized that I never watch a show twice because it is not quite as good anymore. That said if I ran through the rest, I would eventually tire and move on. My focus on everything else was weakened but I was hyped. I was amazed by the epic battles which I would normally judge myself for because I am not doing anything huge. It seems that I am wasting my life. Once I got to the end of it I finally stopped watching more episodes. If the Moro manga continues maybe I will follow it, maybe not. At least I can get better at other tasks now. Finally, I got to work on contemplation and realized the reason why I imagine myself as a politician so much. I feel that if I had such a responsibility, I would want to do it well. I would be empowered to overcome absolutely any internal struggle. What I needed to realize is that I was already capable of this, and this creates a charged life. I am capable of finding a way to live the best life possible and I can make a meaningful contribution. This had an impact for the rest of the day. I continued more chess homework, but stumbled on some of the hard puzzles. I also realized that I don't even like ice cream and I eat it anyway purely out of habit. I let go of this junk food. I will be very busy tomorrow and I am glad that the show is weakening its grip over my behavior. I am also contemplating what I should be doing at work aside from work. My mind tries to justify political ideas, but it gives me nothing and will be of more use later. What should my mind be doing? If I focus just on what is happening, all I have to do is find a higher yes. Just like the show is I find a higher yes, then I don't need to judge myself anymore. I think my mind should be quieter rather than louder at work for the best results and inner peace. The environment makes it hard. Maybe I should look for jobs with a quieter area. I otherwise can't find very many jobs I would like. Show me what you can do. You are capable of overcoming any internal struggle already even if you don't feel that way immediately. It is only a matter of time before I get the life purpose course. About three weeks of chess homework. I love you.

July 28, 2020 I am beginning to wonder, if I replaced my addiction with writing, how much better would my life be? I am about to try an experiment in which I spend any time on the internet writing. I think this is where the most valuable wisdom comes from, and it is necessary to help me live by the inner peace left behind when I sit in silence. It feels boring which is why I have a hard time doing it and I am so tempted to get back on videos. I started my day with an morning meditation. This gave me some clarity of mind for the first chunk of the day, but it dropped when I was back at work. I notice that my mind jumps to politics and religion whenever I go back to work. I will spend time writing to contemplate why this is. I have an off day to do it tomorrow. I feel dirty and untruthful when my mind tells me the same things over and over when I doubt they are even true. I remember that a while back I set my intention to have my mind solve something while I am doing grinding work. This is why I spent time thinking of how to debate somebody with a closed mind. This leads to do many rationalizations and I think it makes my work a little more stressful. In fact it could be keeping me stuck in work because my awareness is not on how bad I have it and how good I could have it. If I refocus my mind on direct experience rather than concept and imagination, I can keep emotional control and potentially build a better life than what I have. I really am getting antsy to take that life purpose course. My sisters are naysayers and Jeremiahs who think Leo will just say follow your passion and the law of attraction and your dreams come true. They never even say down to watch a single video and I can't convince them to. How would I convince the most close minded people in the world of I can't convince my family that there is value in this. I can only show them results, no words will do for them. The only result I gave them is that my grandma is slightly more open minded but still racist. I can't get anything there. Concretely, I did not do much for my family. I hope the life purpose course can help me out with this. Otherwise, most of my efforts to build a more functional relationship with my family will fail. On an individual level I put effort into forgiving them for the past trauma. I struggle to trust my mother because she stole my money several times over the course of several years while lying the whole time and blowing money on drugs which she lied about. She would probably lie to me again, so it is hard for me to forgive her totally. My sister is getting better. I can let go of any remaining trauma because we both have a better understanding of each other now and our behavior changed. Ultimately I still love my mom no matter what I say or feel because I otherwise would not be putting in effort into encouraging the family to seek counselling. I think she is not on drugs anymore. Tomorrow morning I will write a game plan and go for it. This is a chance to be a high performer especially on days off. Stop numbing your mind and sharpen the saw!

July 27, 2020 I would like to type this before leaving for work. I am back to work again so I am adjusting to the different work times. For the most part I did nothing when I got back home until I started contemplating what is integration. This is the key to making my life the best it can possibly be, but it requires a lot of work and mental nuance to apply everything I learned to building the best life possible. I wrote out a list of how I could integrate the teachings of actualized.org. There is a wide variety of content, but it is important to admit when some content is not useful to you. I previously thought that the episode about death was useless because I don't know how to verify that death is absolute love. This is changing a little bit and it might actually be the case. I know this because I did a lot of self reflection that caused my previous hang ups to burn away. In my experience of Love and healing, I changed considerably and it is like the former self is no more. I had an entire page about how to integrate God. This is very broad but becomes very concrete. The list had 25 items. A few of them were 100% self honesty, 100% responsibility, non-judgement, self love, and many others. I need to face my fears and tell people what I actually think. If I need to adjust I will change according to my degree of consciousness which can be raised as high as possible. There are probably things I did not remember to write down. I am considering buying the life purpose course even sooner than anticipated. I feel like I waste time too easily unless I have a mission. I can make it my mission to finish my next book and chess homework. When I do I will eventually have a break from coaching for the course unless I manage to start the course early. Maybe it is better that I wait to ensure that I am not to split up in so many directions. Raise your consciousness and raise your capacity for love.

Quietism definitions calm acceptance of things as they are without attempts to resist or change them. "political quietism" (in the Christian faith) devotional contemplation and abandonment of the will as a form of religious mysticism.

July 25-26 Sorry for not posting yesterday. I got my schedule and realized I work at 6 in the morning so I could not post. Yesterday I started listening to a book about emotions. These lessons seem to be the most effective for me and grant me the most immediate benefit. Nobody demonstrated to me a deeper understanding of emotions yet by observing how I jump from one thing to another you see how much of my life is run by them. If I listen to a little more each day, this will change my behavior and overall mood considerably. Today I finished my blindfold chess problems so I can start the next 60. I also did very well on the garden by severing the massive vine that is chocking the backyard plants. Granny did not expect me to do As well as I did, and I remembered to mow the lawn after work. I notice that judging myself for choosing entertainment tends to be ineffective for changing behavior. Instead I can observe something more interesting. Any lesson or repeated teaching gives me an identity no matter what it is about. I would like to see the beauty of nothing in silence. This would be pretty different from what I normally do. I have been watching more politics lately, but I have managed to suck out some of the needed wisdom. Inner peace in silence can become more common by letting this go As well. I may not be ready judging by the emotions I sense right now. The reason I focus on inner peace is because our of the philosophies I studied quietism resonated with me most. When I imagine myself debating people and defending positions I sense the underlying discomfort that I don't really know what is true yet I insist. I could be contributing to the misguided reasoning of mankind and our confusion. I can embody this philosophy more effectively than others and it leads me toward an experience you can have. In the silence I realize that no theory of reality or God is necessary. I accept that I don't know what is true in my mind which leads me toward direct experience. Everything looks beautiful when I do this. I may cry when doing this As I realize that no words are needed, not even "existence" to explain this. There are no positions or theories in this experience and everything is perfect the way it is. It is like the emptiness is not within me, but rather everywhere I look and I experience something inexpressible. Not even the thought of me thinking, experiencing, or seeing is needed. This could be an understanding of love if embodied which I can do. This is very effective at erasing suffering caused by self judgment and a lack of self acceptance. This is propelling me toward letting go of all of my political ideas and simply staying quiet. I have never been in a position where I would need to explain all of these complicated issues. In this sense, it is unnecessary for me to build up so many arguments and defenses because my direct experience is beautiful and these things prevent me from realizing it. I don't really control my thoughts so minimizing judgement helps. If my mind plays more politics then there is nothing wrong with it, but it is already quieting down. Love is prior to any word expressing it.

July 24, 2020 I sense that there is a higher level from where I currently am. One thing that helps to humble me is that I would not be where I am now without the help of other humans. I also realize that I still have left over psychological problems, life purpose problems, money problems, educational limits, experiential limits, and many more things that enlightenment can't solve completely, but can filter into. Self reflection is not over and I have to resolve these left over hang ups if I want to live the best life possible. By eliminating each dysfunction I become better. I have devised a plan that might help solve a large chunk of the issues I face. I have a few weeks of chess left before I can start to focus solely on the life purpose course I plan to buy. I won't be starting college again this fall because the life purpose course might affect that decision. One of my criticisms about college is that although a degree may be helpful it is not likely to produce financial independence. I still struggle to find what kind of business I should start and what I should do. I need to get back to the books so they can filter into my life. As for my chess lesson, it was very helpful and I think it was the best one yet. In the past I relied a lot on computer evaluation, but I lacked a practical human understanding and evaluation to guide my decision making in middle game positions. I asked my coach some questions and he told me how this was one of my weak points that we were working on. After some practice I did not fall into the trap of assuming the obvious move was the best. After putting more effort into using my opponent's weaknesses I managed to find a better plan than a grandmaster. My coach is pleased to see that I am getting better at using a practical human evaluation to guide my thinking process. For a lot of the day after that I ran through some of the videos on the left leaning channel Leo showed me. I watched their critics of right wing hosts who deny systemic racism. These critics highlight their self bias so effectively that it is amazing that I used to think these guys were smart like the other white people who think white privilege is a myth. I can't really blame them if I was blind to the same thing, but the key difference is that I had an intuition and desire to question my media choice and it's bias. This open mindedness helped me to see the other perspectives from their perspective rather than through a misleading conservative ideology. Peterson is still helpful psychological models and theories, but he too is spreading a dangerous political ideology with real and serious limitations. I still have more self reflection that can help me to be less corruptable should I get involved in these sorts of matters. The main goal of politics is to overcome your corruption so that you can help seek out the greatest good for the greatest number. This way you question your choice of media and the biases in your worldview. No belief or position is sacred and no ideology should be judged as evil through my ideology because it is partial. As for those who are stuck in myopic perspectives, I realize they are not evil and this judgement makes no sense. The greatest good for the greatest number would be to help them to see the limitations of their perspective which they would not do if I called them terrible people for being self biased. I apply the same thing for people who grew up in a racist family, but it is important that they realize how problematic this world view can be. Finally, I forgot to shower before bed. This makes it so much harder to sleep and the melatonin did nothing. I finally got up from my nap and I am ready to get back to work on self actualization. Remember your ritual for better sleep and you can have a better life. Good luck.

@Pugfishpanda i liked that last part. If we are hyper analytical and value thought over emotion we squander our ability to live a fulfilling life. I did this to myself and I am slowly healing from all of these deeply wired judgements. I hope more people realize how hyper rationalism leads to lying and eats away at you. I am the kind of person who thinks a lot and if I overcome this I would become more aligned with direct experience. Over thinking is also an obstacle to life purpose when some articles would say to simply do whatever interests you without thinking about it.

July 22-23 2020 For the most part nothing interesting happened and it was all very normal. I am thinking of going back to listening to books now because I am filling my empty time with Dragon ball again. In order to learn more useful information I would be better off continuing to read any book at any time provided it has potentially life changing information. I did some work on my essay, but it needs a lot of work. I am explaining the implications of relativism and most people would reject the notion of non-duality given their level of development and pre existing beliefs. It may only get through to a handful of people if I explain how murder and not murder are indistinguishable. Now for the interesting stuff. Lately, I have been self reflecting more and more on paper because I find it more helpful than thinking on its own, listening to books, watching videos, or anything else. This has life transforming stuff that corrects problems which I otherwise would be stuck with. This gets awesome, but when I realized it shocked me. I detected that the source of my emotional discomfort was lying. The lies make me feel angry, threatened and fearful and unfocused. It becomes a fight or flight response in which I am my own undoing. It becomes awful when I insist on the lie. A lie is resistance to who I truly am. If I say I am religious or not religious either way it becomes a lie. Similarly, God vs. No God becomes lying. In a sense I am neither because they are identical which is the same as me being both because they are indistinguishable. For me I identity was problematic because if I say that I am weird it becomes an identity in which the associated behaviors are deemed acceptable, which thus becomes lying, yet if I say I am not weird then I ignore immutable differences. In this example I can neither identify as a thing or nor not a thing. The two are identical because not a thing is a thing which is the thing without identity. I wrote out a list of things I am not, but I can not identify as that which is not that because that becomes the thing. In this way I am the no thing but not the identity of no thing. All identities including race, sex, living being, animal, human, or object are not you which is the same as them being you. You are that which is not a lie which includes a lie. You are everywhere and nowhere. My favorite parts from holy texts are "I have no graven image.". " I fill the heaven and the earth. " Just remember not to identify as God. The identity becomes a lie which becomes resistance to the absence of your identity as God which is the same as God. I was shocked for a bit and has to collect myself. Self reflection is pretty cool and it changes so much in my life. By so much I mean all of the needless suffering that I had to endure because I didn't know what to do about it. This makes life so much better. I love it. I love you too. I hope you find this helpful.

I find that conservatives are more likely to argue that systemic racism is bogus. The Chinese are often pointed to as evidence that there is no discrimination against other races within our current system. I understand that redlining still happens and affects people to this day. There is plenty of evidence of systemic racism when comparing blacks and whites. These arguments are often used by people like Shapiro. He had nearly everything else backwards and I don't trust this point. Do you have some explanations for this discrepancy? On one interesting note, the ku Klux Klan member from Leo's blog did not mention segregating the Chinese. He only mentioned blacks and whites. This might be one of the differences.

@Leo Gura this video has been very helpful. I did not make the connection that race isn't actually real according to genetics. I heard this before but I forgot because we treat race like it's real all the time. These speakers are extremely misleading. I think it is better to study them on a meta level of we want to understand these worldviews. If I do hear from a politician, no matter how persuasive it seems, all positions should be treated as perspectives. It is very dangerous to treat a perspective As true or as reality. How do you know when you "have it right?". That is you know the liberals are more accurate than conservatives on this issue. At which point do you conclude one perspective is better than another?

July 21, 2020 I did a little bit today. I finished the book about business. I need to ask someone about how to start the first business. I never did anything like this and I am lost on options. I took a lot of notes on the book and it would take forever for me to explain it here. Self reflection is so helpful for my emotions that I can not say enough about how much it did for me in an hour and filtered through the rest of my life. I question my dangerous moral assumptions I made when I made people uncomfortable and they called me weird. Not hurting people should not be turned into an absolute or it will crush you in so many ways. You will never be happy or satisfied with yourself and nobody else will either. You will judge yourself constantly and you can't grow as effectively with this weight on you. I needed to drop some of these assumptions that I did not fully let go of. As for politics I questioned what it is I want. Helping people is admirable and sometimes even important, but there is something which concerns me more. No matter what my worldview is and what my positions are there is a constant self deception at play. All opinions are untrue in that I made them up. The way in which I insist that they are true becomes lying because I pretend that that is reality. This is the problem underlying the abortion issue that bothered me most. It is not even the issue itself. It is hard to overcome this deep dishonesty somehow, but the deeper my self reflection the better. I also remember my assumption that I am in the mind separate from the rest of existence. This assumption stemmed from the verbal abuse of my teachers where I then felt the desire to ignore them. This hindered my listening and I felt that I won. I thought my mind could amuse me forever. I would randomly laugh at anything in my head because of how disconnected I became with direct experience. It feels hard for me to let go of this assumption. This was useful for wasting time when verbally abused, but it carries over into the rest of my life. How can I overcome this trauma? I am not clear. I might need to talk to someone. This is a bit of a heavy weight that was there since I was in elementary school. It might be the source of the depressive behavior. If I could overcome this it would change a lot about me. This is a task I should put myself to. I visited my grandmother today to go swimming. She is still making racist jokes and still thinks BLM is stupid. I won't change her mind on this, but she studied spiral dynamics. I hope she better understands them. There were no long arguments, but I sensed my sister's discomfort with grandma. I played video games with Charlie before we finally went back home. My family seems reasonably healthy at the moment. I would like to share with them my self assessment of past trauma. I don't think they would get it if I tried to explain self deception to them. They would want me to overcome this unnecessary weight on my mind though. Thank you for your work. I feel better and I am a healthy human being because of this.

Human morality is extremely limited by ignorance. It is common to assume that people are in the wrong in some way because their behavior is outside of what is assumed to be normal. This is how human morality, especially in a conformist sense, causes people to slip through the cracks and be seen as bad when they are trying to be good. This can include people with mental disorders are are misunderstood with their unusual behavior. Ignorance leads us to labeling things we don't understand "evil.". This makes me feel like morality is extremely dangerous if taken as an absolute. Any sense of morality should be a tentative conclusion subject to change. Otherwise the dangers and oversights will cause us a ton of suffering. Only in these cases does morality seem stupid, arbitrary, dangerous, and crazy.

July 20, 2020 Today I am making progress toward making a decent life. I still did a run and reverted to junk food. I would like to recommit to health so this does not stick. People in the phone for the quarantine swayed me to not use the blender. This is not healthy though. I listened to twice the amount of the book that I normally would. I have found a lot of good tips on running a business. I am still lost in actually starting some kind of business. If a degree won't help me and I never started a business before and don't speak the jargon it seems daunting to actually get rich. The author discouraged the pursuit of wealth for the reason that your life will be wasted defending the assets. In this sense you don't have As much freedom as you might assume. After acknowledging this doubt I am not scared. I thought I could finish it today, but I am one hour short. I feel like it is hard to find something that makes me happy. Right now I am pursuing achievement. I am using delegation more effectively to help me so this. Throughout the course of this journal you have seen me place a lot of talk orders in myself. I understand that it I pick one direction and commit I can be excellent at it. A good analogy is the flat hierarchy of 10 goals pulling equally in all directions. It is much more effective to divide and conquer. I have a challenge that I am capable of typing half a book in 5 weeks if I do it non-stop as my only goal. Once I get some simple goals removed I can commit to one direction very well. First the book, then I will post-pone new books. Then I will tackle the simple goals until I reach my best chance of making money. I feel tempted to start another book because it might have valuable wisdom. It is hard to resist it. If I am willing to do all of the chess homework and the essay tomorrow I will start the other book in 1-3 days. If I can resist for that long, I will have accomplished two small goals to get them off of my plate first. I'm glad I made the move of starting the essay. Now that political issue that was nagging my mind quieted down a lot. This can help me improve focus further. It now feels unpleasant to do it, but I know it is very short term discomfort now and I can finish it off very soon. In that process I will spread the word of actualized.org by sighting spiral dynamics in my essay. This will point people toward conscious politics. I have a feeling that there are people out there who will benefit from reading that essay. If they spread the word to friends, it will make the world better. I just need to remember the few day time frame I am setting right now to knock out two small goals starting with chess. I am also becoming more conscious of devilry in the form of pendulum swinging. This takes the truth and reacts to it in the most harmful way possible by over-compensating. This turns me into my own joke and it is painful. I don't want to be a joke because I am better than these silly self inflicted wounds. If I can get this weight off of my shoulders, then I will be moving along more easily. Two interesting points were learned today. Men are often conditioned to toughen up in an unhealthy way according to the blog videos. Second our society is is turning men into hermits who are raised by their parents forever. I have been feeling that I was the one doing it, but actually there is a whole society of men who lock themselves in their bedrooms for long periods of time. I am in this society, and In am tasking myself with the goal to rise above all of this. This can be challenging because I must be better than the lowest standard. I like understanding that I am not the only one like this and I will not give up on this super objective. I am glad to have more clarity and self understanding. I love you.

July 19, 2020 This was the start of my vacation week. I think from now on I should check my weekly accomplishments to ensure that I am making some progress of any toward self actualization. I feel like I lose a lot of time from running and it does not help me as much as I would like. One goal I will add is to maximize self actualization As much as possible to see what happens. I am getting close to finished with the money book. I am getting a lot of good information, but I need to know what kind of business to start. My options are so broad that it is hard for me to choose. I wanted to finish this because it might argue against going to college. I told my family that I am considering going back to college, but if I can't get financial independence from it, then that might defeat the purpose of going back. My sister argued that not only does college fail to make people rich, but it might even make me poorer. I am running into this point constantly and it makes me unsure. I finished my chess homework on good and bad bishops. Now I just need a word document and to finish the 200 extra exercises in endings. I did play some classical games and won a nice game against a decent opponent rate nearly 2100. I had 0 inaccuracies, mistakes, and blunders. I still had a better plan without giving up the bishop and playing f4 immediately. It was a nice game. Talking about rating makes me uneasy. Part of my new goal is simply to minimize anything that does not help me reach a better life. Let's go

I forgot to mention that self reflection can be so intense that it causes reactions throughout my body. This includes muscles twitching and a lot of fear, anger, and frustration. Self reflection is like challenging my own inner demons. I want to know what would happen if I go through all of this.

July 18, 2020 I needed to work today and I still did not have the ingredients to make a smoothie. I went to work early in the morning and got off at 3:15. After I got off I finished the recent video about perspectives by Actualized.org. My goal is to reach a point that I do not have to defend any particular perspective. I feel like it is too easy for me to try to be right. Wanting to be right leads me astray because I am assuming that any one answer is right. Maybe no matter what my perspective is, it will never be complete. I then encountered a person who criticized Shapiro for arguing that systemic racism does not exist. I used to listen to Shapiro because I thought he was witty and good at debating. I thought that I could learn to debate like him. The problem is that he talks so fast that you need to slow him down and challenge one premise at a time while fact checking every document he references. Sometimes he claims that a document said one thing while ignoring the other half of it that said the opposite. In this way his positions depend on me being under educated and that is why he appealed to me. As I became more concerned with what is true, I stopped following his content. I wanted to see a new perspective because I was concerned about media bias. This has allowed me to come to a point of view from which he appears extremely dishonest with a mountain of untruth. I now see how silly it is to follow someone because they sound witty or can be good at debating. Some people make the same mistake with Sam Harris. I started watching these talk shows less after watching Actualized.org. This is a possible sign of my evolution, but I have a long why to go if this is where I started a few years ago. I think I would consider myself roughly spiral dynamics stage orange evolving into green. I have some left over influence of blue with a little bit of yellow. My left over influence of stage blue is my attachment to feeling certain and wanting to be right. If I can let go of this, it would help me to avoid a lot of self deception in which I have belief propping up belief propping up belief. In this entire process I am only kidding myself into thinking this is true and it never gives me anything. Paying attention to someone like Shapiro would pull me down, so I prefer to read books instead. One form of green guilt is the failure to live up to my ideals. This is an underlying pain for much of my self actualization work. If you have followed this thread, then you are probably aware that I set many ambitious goals for my life. I want financial independence, chess mastery, a better job, education, spiritual awakening, a chance to try psychedelics, diet, exercise, meditation and other techniques, and various other goals. I feel like there is so much that it is overwhelming. I constantly feel like I am failing to the point that I become less motivated, and it thus leads me to watching YouTube again. The reason I judge myself for this is because my ideal version of myself is a much more developed human being than I currently am. I need to recognize that my ideals are fantasies which I may or may not fully live up to. I would like to live up to them, but if I can't then I would like to not think less of myself because of how poorly I meditate. I try to motivate myself by telling myself that I need to work my ass off, but it often fails to get me to do everything I want to do. One of my favorite things about politics is that in order for me to be good at it, I need to avoid becoming corrupt myself. This is how politics forces me on some level to self reflect, be as honest as possible, and to overcome my biases and self deceptions. The reason I care so much about the abortion debate especially is because it forces me to confront my fear of uncertainty. I feel like I am very dishonest when I see my beliefs and ideologies coming out of me. I see myself trying to maintain them by repeatedly asserting that they are true when really I don't know. This debate pushes me to very deep levels of self reflection to the point that I question everything in order to make sure that I am as honest and impartial as I can possibly be. In order to be truthful, I must root out as much as my own bullshit as possible. Some of the questions that abortion forces me to ask include but are not limited to the following? Is it possible that Actualized.org is causing me to revert further into stage blue? How effective is self reflection at delivering truth really? What if all of my self reflection is simply me changing my perspective to something else which I now think is true? What if God is lie and all of my self reflection was a confirmation bias? What does my direct experience tell me independent of all philosophy from any human being? What is reality really? How much of my "insights" are actually just beliefs with no real direct experience? What if non-duality is another ideology and actually there are objective dualities? How much bullshit is there in spirituality and why do I seem so sure that it leads to truth? The discomfort that I seek to overcome is the potential existential crisis that could arise from all of this. I attempt to overcome this by seeking truth for truth's sake which led me to this website by accident one day. Writing all of this down helped me to let go of some of the self deception mechanisms. One of my self deception mechanisms is caring too much about truth. If I get to attached to truth, it leads me to conflating relative and absolute truth because I am not letting go of the identity I have as a person who cares about truth. In this way I care about my survival and self image. If I care so much about the truth, then I need to recognize this problem. The self reflection required to be good at politics can be intense. I tried to type more of the essay, but I felt dishonest in certain parts so I erased them. I want to make sure that I do not straw man anybody to make myself seem right. I struggle to comprehend the significance of everything I am doing right now. I am coming through stronger than ever through this process. This is one of the goals and I have a lot more self reflection to do yet. Abortion Essay Lying Contest.docx Notes for Abortion Essay.docx

July 17, 2020 We ran out of frozen fruit to make smoothies with. I went back to eating junk food instead When I could have still made eggs at least. I did accomplish a fair bit today and I still took my vitamins. I did my chess lesson on the good and bad bishops. Most books talk about statically bad bishops, but they fail to distinguish a dynamically good or bad bishop. The pawn structure does not automatically make a bishop bad if the bishop is outside the pawn chain and very disruptive. I started some homework, but not a lot. I spent more time studying business and money. I am getting repeated feedback that college will not help me get rich. A degree only offers me a job at best. It seems that I need to find a way to make something valuable and place a price on it. This could be my book of I continue typing it. I did more self reflection today and I tried to let go of intellectual arrogance. It is silly in the sense that my positions are all imaginary and conceptual yet we feel superior when we put debate people. This does not make any sense if our positions are fundamentally false. The issue I have mentioned a few times in this forum is abortion. I have judged myself for a long time for being drawn to this issue rather than focusing on something more productive. In the past I shared a perspective that I think helped open people's minds while pointing them toward non-duality. This is one of the reasons I am drawn to this issue as it could raise the consciousness of mankind while helping me to describe what God is like. This could be productive if I write an essay explaining everything about the issue on an existential level then a practical level. I don't care which political party wins out in the end. This issue drew me into spirituality because I sought truth for truth's sake. I feel the compulsion to send the essay to various political forums where I can share it with thousands of people. Some of them might be open minded and they might share it with more people. One of the consequences of this essay is that it challenges the notions of an objective reality and it could facilitate a paradigm shift for humanity toward idealism, relativism, or non-duality. It seems like the issue will not stop bothering me. I would like to see what happens if I share it with many people and see how it helps them. I am inspired by truth to do this and I have already begun the essay. I will not stop tomorrow because it will not make the issue stop bothering me. If this ends up being a life purpose I will not judge myself. Judgement is a lack of self love and I will continue this quest in the morning. In the next post I will give you what I typed so far. We are one.

July 16, 2020 I continued having smoothies and felt better every morning. I did have some cake for my sister's birthday and I need to go to the dentist soon because it has been over a year since I went and my teeth are getting weird because of all the garbage I stuffed my face with after all this time. I went to work today and noticed that I was happy and energetic through most of my shift before suddenly getting depressed with suicidal thoughts. My sister questioned how I felt at work today and I said that I stopped feeling happy which indicated depression which she pick up on. I still need to tell her about the suicidal thoughts even though I told her that I told granny about it and she knows it comes up from time to time. My sister is starting to seem like she thinks counseling is a good idea for me. I wanted to see how much of my book I could type in a day. I started visualizing, but the birthday party combined with the depression that hit me all of a sudden when I was perfectly fine at work, are up most of the day. Sorry for the let down. If I get the energy and dont get sudden intrusive thoughts from work it would help me. I still will not give up and I will play the game of see how much of my book I can type in a day. Chess goes on forever and I can always pick it up again. There are several finite goals I can tear through. The book is one of my chances at wealth. You understand not to listen to suicidal thoughts. You will seek help if you want the pleasant talk to happen. This would be love.

July 14-15 2020 I had a good conversation with my friend who I didn't get to talk much to throughout the quarantine. We discussed the possibility of me going back to college to try out an internship in politics. I could also try business to see if I can get started on being an entrepreneur. He told me that there is no right way to make money and I could do it by selling shirts. To me it seems that the book is my best bet. I am typing at such a slow rate that it will take forever to get it done. I would like to commit to writing even half a day of the book each day. This way I make small progress, but enough progress to ensure I have a chance at making money. I shared a little bit with him from the book. He asked me how my brain works. I told him that I was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. He was clued in on this based on how I was writing. He said that I wrote down a lot of information. I notice that I seem to write a lot and people can tell it's me writing when they read how I wrote. Anyway, Aaron thinks it's amazing that I am still smart. Some people don't believe me when I tell them because they assume dysfunctional autism instead of functional autism. I am watching myself watch Dragon ball. I think After I have seen enough, I might be tired of it. I am starting to skip around to get to something else. I listened to a little of my money book and types a little of my own. When I have the energy, I don't want to sit down and do nothing. I currently don't feel like this addiction is going away easily. It might hold me back from more self actualization. I will observe myself. I sometimes feel tempted to resort to guilt to see if it works. I know it is a lie because I create it, but I have the means to motivate myself. I think the positive motivation is more powerful by far and guilt has failed consistently in the past. I have work again and my manager told me in the past that they can't tell me no when I ask for a break. They tell me no all the time. This is as good as my job seems to get working on the front end at this store. I checked goodwill, but they would pay me less than Kroger. If I run out of options, I need an online job, a college education, my own business, or a new location. My chess coach finally sent me more exercises. I was getting a little bored with nothing to do. So far the exercises are easy because I studied them before. My results are stagnated against humans and my rating is staying the same around 2250 or so. I am trying to experiment more with other variations because I started getting bored. For classical games I stick with my guns, but I am playing more casual rapid games. I am also practicing more against computers. At least half of my games should be against computers because they are strong and teach me to be objective. You are smart and capable. I want you to look inward and see your best way of utilizing everything you have. Not just in chess. You do what you can to bring your skills to the front when playing chess when you are in tournaments. What skills can you bring into your life and commit to? You would be better off if a clear decision were made.

July 13, 2020 I noticed a huge difference in my energy today. For breakfast I had a fruit smoothie mixed with protein powder. I took vitamins with this and are eggs. My energy was so great that I wanted to use toward something more than watching YouTube so I did the rest of my chess homework. I could have done even more, but I was too curious about the show. My attitude toward everything changes when I have this much energy and this is the level we must operate at for self actualization. I was filled very well from the diet. My stomach started hurting and my headaches for worse when I started eating sugar again. Recognizing how much worse I felt, my body and mind are changing in my approach to dieting. In fact I suddenly needed to poop badly because of how healthy I was eating. It was less painful than an unhealthy body. I did a light work out and studied some of actualized.org plus my audio book. I noticed how much time I lost to my favorite show as of late. This did not stop me from coming up with my own hypothetical scenarios which would have been way cooler than the cannon tournament of power. I felt that my energy was not used well enough which is what I like the least about YouTube when I eat very healthy food. Diet is such a crucial point in self actualization because it changes everything if you want to use your energy in the best way possible. As I start to come out of my exhaustion and back into high performance, I can become much more optimistic about my life. I might have disappointed some of the followers who got bored in the past few days, but at least I can use the suffering created to propel me further. I am not as attached to actualized.org. I have watched about half of the most recent video. I don't want to follow the perspective of actualized to closely or else I would believe him too easily. The video from a couple of weeks ago demonstrated how being too deeply philosophical can backfire. I don't want to have an overly philosophical reference point although it is useful to be aware of so long as it serves the function of grounding me in the true self by serving as a reminder. Of course not the worldview itself, but what the worldview is about. This can ensure that I do not get too attached to one particular perspective even a deeply philosophical one, so that the excesses so not remain in place forever. Spirituality is good for dissolving parts of the older self, but it cannot solve wage slavery except by evolving the self image. I am considering going back to college to do an internship in politics just to know for sure if I can do it. If I am not satisfied, then I will pursue financial independence through business as an alternative route. On mistake I feel I made is that although chess makes me happy, it is limited in what it can do to change my life. This underlying contemplation makes me concerned for the future of my chess coaching. It is possible that I will need to move beyond this. My heart tells me that this is not a life purpose because I want the freedom that almost nobody has. It is the same reason I declined Christianity which would lock me in one worldview forever until I die. Of course I don't want to do the same thing with chess, but it is hard to let go of and switch to dramatically different tracks because of how much I invested and how much talent I might have. My training has been dropping because of this contemplation. As for my favorite video in Dragon ball z...

July 12, 2020 The vitamins are making a difference and I am not feeling as tired as I did over the past several days. I had cereal in the morning feeling that the options for breakfast were limited. This becomes another source of my low energy because sugary cereal simply cannot sustain me for any reasonable amount of time. Eggs and oatmeal should become my more common breakfast and this should be taken with vitamins and possibly a fruit smoothie. This would be much better than where I have been. As for my lunch, I usually end up eating a bunch of junk food throughout the day. This is a problem and I try having a sandwich instead. I am currently working on making tuna a more common part of my lunch and it is way better. Today I did not that much, but I can see why my energy keeps dropping and how I can successfully combat this. I feel better already. My sister's birthday is coming up, and I am not sure what I want to get her. I might end up just giving her some money. I don't want to get her more video games because I know she wastes a lot of money on that. I don't think there is much I could give her that would improve her life in the long run. She seems to be content with her current trajectory, but it does not look pretty in the long run. I don't want to worry too much about her though. Ah Ha! She wants to be a vet. I could get her a book about that topic to see what she would learn. It might come late, but I don't care if it is late. I was watching Dragon ball again. I know it is not very much for personal development and it does not help me as much books. I still found the hypothetical situations cool because of how much could possibly happen in this imaginary universe. I am prone to judging myself for this because of personal development. I would like to make a decision as to what I should do. This was up a lot of time that I could be using to start a business or go back to college. I should not use guilt to seek improvement because this is what I wanted to ride above to begin with. I should only seek personal development for a higher vision. If the vision is compelling enough, then I will naturally move away from my old habits. This possibility leans me toward a higher form of personal development. My exhaustion should stop being a problem soon. I am getting more practice with chess endgames as well and have three more exercises before I type my thinking system for each puzzle. This will be the best part because I will learn to organize my mind and find the best move systematically. This will be much better than the tactical puzzles and I will integrate many principles in the most effective way possible to organize my mind. This will be fun. Construct your vision and your life will evolve naturally. This is worth a try and I should get to work on building a vision to see what happens.

July 11, 2020 Today I still some up early and turning off the fan does not help. I discovered that I am off work for three more days and I am soon to have a video chat with my friend who I have not spoken to because of the virus. Because I still felt tired for so much of the day, I did not do much. Eventually I had to work on the garden and trim back the neighbor's come that is taking over my yard. I filled up three trash cans and took a break from the scorching heat. When I came back out to mow the grass, I found a possum in the trash can in the middle of the day. This cancelled the plan and I don't know why the possum went on there. After wasting a bunch of time on Dragon ball z I did some chess puzzles and got half way done with homework. The work is much harder than spotting a tactic. I also notice that I am adding my judgement to my actions of doing things I find less productive. I think it works better when I don't imply that I am somehow in the wrong for not doing self actualization work. I also noticed that the smoothies in the fridge tastes disgusting and I am not making smoothies like that anymore. They were partially melted on the bottom, so I guess I could try the freezer, but if they are frozen, I can't drink them. I will have to make them in a timely manner in the mornings. Finally, I started to let go of needing to control my mind. So long as I am trying to make myself different it becomes a problem and often harder to achieve. This can also make my mind a little more organized. I plan to work on writing out all of my beliefs to clarify where I stand no matter the content or if it is right or not. I hope you can get the maximum benefits from self reflection.

July 10, 2020 Today some of my addictions that I picked up again are coming to a close. It is painful for me to eat junk food, watch YouTube (low consciousness videos), and play the nonogram game I recently downloaded. Solving puzzles makes me feel smart, but I quickly got good at it and I was to the point that I was merely charging through puzzle after puzzle. All of the solutions and the game play becomes mindless once you know the techniques to solve them easily. Mistakes only happen when I don't pay attention because of how mind numbing it becomes. I uninstalled this app, and I am not going to download it and play through all of that again. I made night smoothies and put them in the fridge for morning. I am going to take these with vitamins everyday to get back on the right track. My exhaustion and head aches are too much. I can't run like I used to and work feels longer and longer. By the way it is hard to find a better job I qualify for, would like, or pays more without more college education. If I can't become financially independent without more college, then I need to go back at some point. The question is what for? Business? Trans personal psychology? Politics or law? Maybe something else? I might need to sample a few and see what they are lik. What am I good at? I received chess coaching today. The second training module is far more difficult and I did not have the energy to finish the tournament or start the homework. My energy levels are becoming problematic because they are making me do nothing or waste time on poor habits. I learned about endgame principles and studied capablanca. I struggled to demonstrate the same endgame technique and my understanding seemed poor. It was a little embarrassing like my first tactics lesson. As for the games, I was winning the first, but dropped it, I won the second clearly, and lost the last. Outside of listening to audio books I clarified what my direct experience is like. "God" and "no God" are both interpretations of the direct experience. In this way they are both philosophies. This makes them a projection of my imagination when my direct experience is neither of these labels. To me reality appears as neither God nor no God as we strip all beliefs away from reality. I feel threatened and fearful when contemplating this stuff. I have the capacity to let go of this fear. This is your survival. I can open myself to love in many forms. Breaking old habits, self improvement, and enlightenment. I think you are capable in all of these ways and more.

July 9, 2020 I have been getting more exhausted still. I got an idea to use my vitamins more often. I normally did not use them because I have a hard time getting more. The vitamins a useless if I don't take a them. My fan keeps my room way cooler now. I am getting sick of all the garbage YouTube videos. They used to just be a source of procrastination, but now they are not even amusing anymore. It places a strain on me just to try to sit through them. The only thing worth listening to on YouTube are audio books or something educational. I have lost my taste for nonsense humor that isn't even funny now. I reached my peak rating again for a moment, but I dropped it when I played badly in the next game. I am not really as focused again and I am lost on how to enter my peak performance again. In my self reflection I contemplated what is my true identity. One of the problems I recognized was that whenever I place a limitation and say that I am the limitation, I am actually the thing which creates them. When a particular mask gets stuck to my face it becomes a habitual lie that feels true to me. Eventually I thought that I was nothing imagining that I am anything. This made me burst at into a lot of laughter. I tried to think seriously to make sure that I was not making a confirmation bias out of everything I was told already. I could never really say that I was a thing because that always arises from the thing that said it. That was a lot of fun. Some people think I'm on crack or something if they see me acting as I normally do. It usually explains a lot to say I have autism. So far it has not been a problem where people think nondual states of consciousness are insane. I am still exhausted though. I would like to get back to self actualization and not get lost in ordinary life.