trenton

@TripleFly I used to sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor and did not have a problem with it. I tried that recently, but not for an entire week or so. I just kept getting into wierd positions on the bed with some parts sinking too deep and it gets uncomfortable. This leads to rolling around and that's annoying.

September 4, 2020 I lost the entire day to bad sleep. I am currently looking for solutions in the forum because my doctor visit isn't for another month. I did do a couple of interesting things even though I did not continue the course. Apart from being in bed all day, I watched the world record progression for speed runs. If you want to see real mastery and clarity, you can take some inspiration form these gamers. This particular runner made over 34,000 attempts. His life purpose in the video game became a full time job and he never gave up despite his thousands of failures. Just look at this man's dedication. I also addressed some of the anger that came up when attempting to compliment my sister in writing. I will do a little bit more of that because I want this out of my system and gone. It lessened after I slept, but this clearly is not functional. I seem to be afraid of what I will discover, but I will search anyway. I am paying attention to my breathing problems. I think this may be What causes me to suddenly wake up at 3 a.m. My upper back keeps sinking into the bed and that feels a little uncomfortable at times. I will not give up and I will look for everything that could possibly be holding me back from living up to my potential. The key is to frame all of these problems as a chance for improvement. I have a chance to become more consistent in everything I do If I get this straightened out. I'm also not listening to any scary stories. As cool as they are, there are no real benefits. An interesting pattern I notice is that I have an intuition that something will hurt me. I eventually do it anyway and then never again. This is a trial and error process, but if I listen to this intuition, I may avoid needless mistakes in order to grow. My intuition seems to nearly always be correct. Fix a couple of practical issues and then get back on the horse. Good luck.

September 3, 2020 I didn't need to work until 7 pm. My day started out nice and I spent most of the time contemplating my life purpose while emptying my thoughts. I also brought a paper with me to work so I could continue writing before clocking in. My day was very happy. After continuing my routine of audio books, walking, and life purpose videos, I found that writing seems to be effective for me. It gets the thoughts out of my head and onto paper so they stop swirling. This leads to stability and happiness. I then worked until 11:15. I did not eat dinner or drink anything because I thought that might be the cause of sleep disturbance. I fell asleep okay, but I woke up at 3 and did not get back to sleep. I know sadguru can sleep for 3 hours and be fine, but I feel bad. I get all kinds of muscular reactions from these annoying interruptions that are too common and lead to crashes on the next day no matter how good I was doing. This problem came up in chess tournaments and I can't let this go on. I tried many different things already, and I can't see a way out of all of this. I remember my dad took sleeping pills and started sleep walking. He nearly killed himself with a kitchen knife if not for the fact that I took it from him while he was sleep walking. I also hesitated to get the first pills for anxiety because Cindy was on pills for anxiety and depression before she mixed it with alcohol and died. I feel less trusting of the medical process if I fall down a slippery slope with 5 different medicines with wierd effects. Dad told me about how over privatized the process is and writing this down removed one stressful thought from my head. I am not thinking as clearly today. I want to know what to do If I had poor sleep or I want to prevent it. Enough is enough and one way or another this needs to stop.

September 2, 2020 Today I watched a little bit of the life purpose course and an older actualized video. It had some useful exercises for contemplating death. When I did this I asked myself if I were to die very soon what would I do? I said that I would drop everything, fly to Peru, and see if psychedelics confirm the existence of God. Philosophy is problematic because I have a hard time knowing if the metaphysical claims are true. This is why I would rather hold all the God theory loosely as I see if it is possible that it is true. I spent a lot of the day contemplating. I played a couple of chess games, but I realize that They can turn into distractions from something much bigger. I played a nice attacking game with white when I over ran the black king's defense. With black I misplayed the grunfeld and lost pretty badly. I normally play a different set up, but I am curious. I did finally go to a political forum and describe the fallacy of the heap as it relates to the abortion debate. One thing that bothers me is that people get stuck on ideology and they look like narrow minded slaves with no openness to life. It can lead to violence so I offered a perspective that includes links to spiral dynamics and conscious politics. I hope somebody finds it useful. I want mankind to be free from the dangers of ideology. I also went to the dentist today. The dentist thinks that my teeth are especially susceptible to cavities like my mom. I had 7 cavities last time and 5 cavities this time. I need to request off work a few weeks from now to get this fixed. My face Will get very numb, but I like getting my teeth fixed. The dentist also pointed out that my wisdom teeth are getting worse. I don't know when we are removing them. Oh dear that sounds painful. I guess I accomplished a fair bit today. There is still that nagging tension between my sister and i. It did not explode, but it is constantly there bubbling up again and again. It starts with little things like how I do the dishes. I might need to talk to her about this as uncomfortable as it makes me. I will do what I must.

September 1, 2020 I did not need to work until later in the day, so I spent some time playing with a friend online on chess.com. As I waited I studied the Berlin defense and I seem to prefer the Bd7 variation. I noticed that all of the moves seem similar to me in this ending so I don't play it well. I still make several mistakes and kasparov managed to get a pull with black. This is interesting but still dry. I could improve a lot of I learned how to play equal endings well. Finally I played with my friend online. I won the games with the time control of 3+2 and lost the 5+0 time control. I struggled to make a practical decision and played the best after a long time. I won two and lost three. He thinks that I would be about the same rating as him if I played more blitz games. I then watched a couple of life purpose videos. I feel like I'm doing the best I can but I get an uneasy feeling that it is not enough. This is why I need to continue meditation and self reflection while finding ways to effectively manage myself. I also spent a lot of time writing about what kind of job I want. If I want to constantly learn and seek self understanding, then life coach seems to be a promising try. I would need to learn a lot about communication and relationships in order to be good at that and I would benefit from all of it. Advertising would be a much more shallow pleasure because I am not growing as much as I could be. I also enjoy self reflective writing while avoiding opinionated political papers. This makes me feel dirty because I am stating my opinion as if it is a fact even though my perspective is partial. This leads to attempting to mend reality to my lies. I would be making objective the unobjective. although I may convince other people I seldom feel good about myself in doing so. There is a lingering fear that I am wrong and I am hurting mankind with my lies which are seen as objective rather than an opinion. I still wish to be as objective as possible and this wish may be the source of my self image and interest toward politics if I learn to be objective, not persuasive. If I go back to college I can look at psychology, philosophy, public policy, and any useful course for personal growth. For now I will continue my course to see what else I can do.

August 31, 2020 Today I had another long work day. I have short days for the rest of the week so I should be fine to continue the life purpose course. I watched the other half of Leo's new video. I noticed I have some qualities achiever, some of the expert, I don't know anything about part 2 yet though. This video drew my attention to how much theory I end up with versus actual results. These take a long time to produce. I also noticed that similar to my competitive mind set, I have a strong to desire to make a great contribution to the world. I think if letting go of the results in chess helped me to get less stressed during tournaments, then maybe if I let go of achievement, it will reduce unnecessary stress, self judgement, and guilt. This would translate into a happier life, and I sense that it is an admirable, but selfish idea that I need to accomplish a lot. I don't mean to judge myself for this, but I have a hypothesis that letting go of results can improve my focus and thus make me more productive. This achievement oriented mind set comes with a burn similar to extreme competition in its lies, but it is not as harsh. When I got home from a long day of work I ate a bunch of junk food and did not continue the life purpose course. Throughout the day I felt a little bit of guilt because of this. I slip into my old habits when I get exhausted. This is a challenge I need to maneuver around somehow. Maybe a different job would make me less winded, but the new car isn't finished yet. In the meantime I can still use the course to help me figure out what kind of job I want. My interest in chess began to spark again. I noticed that I was interested in learning the Berlin defense, but I normally ignored this opening because it has a lot of draws. This is how My focus on trying to win could be undermining my learning process and backfiring while making me less enthusiastic about learning. As I learn more, I can discover beautiful ideas in a variety of openings even if they don't have big winning chances. I crushed my own creativity before by studying the Sicilian Najdorf with success because I wanted more wins. This realization and self reflection is helping me to grow in chess As well. This is amazing and my interest is coming back a little when I explore something new. I didn't study it yet because I still have a life purpose course to finish, but I think this would be fun and interesting to learn along with more audio books. I highly recommend getting the paid products because you miss out on so much development without the books. The books help me to view myself through several perspectives, allowing an to stand on the shoulders of giants as I practice self mastery. As I let go of each lie, my mind approaches silence and inner peace. I would describe consciousness as a light which becomes more clear as you learn about yourself. I am starting to see a slippery slope that is actually powerful. It is hard for me to explain what I feel in silence, but that is what I feel.

August 30, 2020 Today I worked from 7-3 and I do tomorrow. I can't stay much longer, but I did not really study more of the life purpose course today. I did learn a little bit more about optimism because my pessimism is too great and my pain is more than it should be. I also watched about half of the new episode from Leo on youtube. I noticed that I ended up being a loner and still am because I poorly integrated the conformist stage of development. I was socially awkward and I distanced myself from large crowds preferring to stay out of the typical behavior most kids engaged in. At recess I was far away from everyone pacing on my own and I ended up being bullied. It is hard for me to say what exactly it is about social games that make me disinterested in them. In any case I need to keep getting better at this and study communication as I spend more time with my family which I am doing. A hint about why I don't like social games can be found in ideology. I notice that my mind finds ideology addicting. It feels dirty and I lie repeatedly in order to make a narrative feel true. This applies to my life story such as when I cherry pick all of the good times or all of the bad times to say I had a good or a bad life. I don't actually remember many things which could have more subtly affected me than the obvious events which made me feel intensely upset. Of course I still need to socialize more and this does not mean I should avoid it. Otherwise I might look like a goth kid. Finally I spent a lot of time discussing my pessimism with my grandma. She talks a lot about positive thinking. I told her that I assume that I will lose or fail somehow in order to prepare me for the worst if it does happen. This is a sign of very anxious psychology, and I am not clear on how to deal with this. Granny said that I should be ready to accept that someone is better than me and congratulate them for doing well. Granny also explained how I get extremely competitive with chess and it is probably teaching me think like this. I explained how I often don't feel very thrilled about my results in chess because I am constantly looking at the next section up and preparing for them. After I win the 1800 section there is still the 2000 section. This competitive mindset makes chess less enjoyable and it makes me tired of it. When I am not this tense for out playing other people, I actually feel more focused because I am not worried about my rate of improvement. Granny also told me about how my grandfather was extremely competitive and nobody could beat him at trivial pursuit because he memorized the answers. She said that she just plays games for fun like most people in the family, and that games like poker are just luck to her. I then blew her mind with the insane strategies I came up with rummy which she thought was only luck. I also blew her mind with my results in athletic sports and how I started applying chess thinking team sports in order to cut off the other team where ever they would try to get a point, but I kept stopping them. I then explained how I trained people for chess tournaments and they applied what I taught them and won. We are coming from two different ways of thinking, but if I want to minimize self blame, envy, pessimism, over stressing myself and so on, I can see the real limits of this way of thinking. I also realize that I feel an inner burn when I insist on living life this way. This is how I sense that this is a lie and I must constantly lie to maintain a hyper competitive attitude. This is what exhausts me the most about chess, and I can never really be happy thinking about life through this lens and these lies that I have to better than other people. This mask is temporary and it is not really me. You don't have to pretend anymore. Self acceptance includes the death of this mask which clings to result. This is what it means to listen to what I truly want, not what I think I want.

I forgot to mention my loss of appetite. I am not eating as much anymore because I don't feel hungry. I did not eat dinner and it is late. I might have a small snack, but it could throw off my sleep more than it is moving thrown off by the remaining laughter.

August 29, 2020 I slept well on the previous night again. I avoided eating late at night and using the tablet too close to bedtime. Right now I am a little late. I think if I have the time I should watch another life purpose course video instead of doing nothing before work. I feel like this is a needless loss of progress. I took my medicine and my mind came to be very quiet. I had few thoughts, mostly feelings. I did not have nearly as much anxiety throughout the day. Unfortunately, my cousin came to visit again and they are insanely loud. These kids are the reasons I go on long walks. I feel like by saying unfortunately, I set myself up for increased anxiety for the future and I am correcting that as I type it because that word is an implied should not. When I got back home I was told to stay down stairs with the boys until we leave to sell old books. Now my room is a bit cleaner without the old books and I made 30 dollars from the trip. On the way home I started getting bored and my mind started shifting into a laughing spell again. This is common in people with autism, and I struggle to get out of these laughing spells. This made me less effective for the rest of the day because I was laughing non-stop. This is problematic when I'm in school because I laugh at loud when a stray thought surfaces. It becomes harder to focus on things especially if I'm not interested. This makes learning harder, but earlier in the day I was communicating better than normal in speech. I then found myself getting interested in chess again. I started playing a few rounds and I was winning, but I had a bad internet connection. I did calm down a little, and get better at focusing. Without acting like it is wrong to have the laughing spells because of how people judge me in school, I still would like to have a way to deal with it and return to focusing on something outside my mind. The emotions that come up are strong and hard to resist getting sucked into. I don't resist them because that hurts. I would say that the pills are effective for reducing anxiety and slowing racing thoughts for some time. It takes time to build up in the system. I am a little concerned that the medicine might make me less effective in work, but I will continue to observe this. My future looks unclear, but I feel just a little bit closer to my life purpose. When I get to the exercises and read a few books on this topic, it can improve my chances significantly. I have a harder time accepting you in your laughing spells because I worry that it makes you look mentally ill. The implied should is that you should be different, and this hurts. Self acceptance includes uncontrollable laughter even if the consequences are bad for me. I will stay open minded to the possibility that there is something else I can do.

August 28, 2020 Today I had a doctor appt at 8:40. We discussed everything I wrote down on my list. This was sleeping problems, racing thoughts, the bloody noses subsided, occasionally my thoughts would spiral into suicide, and a couple of other things. I felt pretty tense while explaining these things and I had not talked to anyone else about this stuff. The trigger for the deadly thoughts was the fight with my family. I also told him that most of my racing thoughts are concerning God. He gave me one more prescription to see if it helps the racing thoughts. He also gave me a list of alternative sources in psychology that helps anxiety. He could see that I was open to it and I have already been studying emotional mastery with success. My sleep patterns have improved, but my doctor thinks that my mind may be acting this way in part because of autism. This makes it hard to focus on school and I remember some times when I laughed at a stray thought during class and my teachers called me out. I also mentioned how I beat my dad without looking at the board in chess, so I can focus when I'm interested. After the appointment I finished more audio books that help me with self acceptance and emotional stability. I think this is helpful and I noticed that books about emotions give me the most benefits immediately. I also continued with the life purpose course and checked out the videos on anxiety. I have some fears concerning modern medicine because I worry that medications are addicting, I don't know if they will work or not, and modern medicine usually avoids alternative medicines which could work. doctors also get caught up in capitalistic medication which can be dangerous for patients. I decided to keep an open mind and see if the medicine works or not. For the rest of the day I did a lot of self observation. I watched my emotions and thoughts fluctuate as my hidden shoulds surfaced. I let them go to reduce stress. This leads to more emotional stability from which I can focus and achieve the goals I want. If anxiety does book up it could be an opportunity for growth as I did in my chess tournaments. In this case the boost in adrenaline made me much more powerful. Good luck. I don't know what love is.

August 27, 2020 Today I worked until 2:30. I noticed that my mind tends to be more hectic while at work. I tear myself up on the inside trying to find something productive for my mind to do in this job. It actually tends to make me more stressed and may contribute to stress eating. In one hand, my racing thoughts make me feel like the day goes by faster, but if it is harmful to my health and contributes to sleeping problems in days I worked, then I may benefit from avoiding it. My psyche appears to want to do this because my job is boring. It means I would rather do something else if there is bad mixed in either way. After work I found myself stress eating until I laid down in bed and started watching news and politics. These things don't really help me, but it is something I fall back into after work. I don't do much and I am not as motivated toward my life purpose. In this way I see how something major needs to change. Finally I listened to a little bit of audio books and continued the course. Afterwards I went for a walk contemplating a difficult question. I think I would be leaking a tiny bit of the course if I told you what the question was. Ultimately a hilarious story happened when I ran down the street I felt like going down for some reason. Contemplating this question, I saw a sign in the distance. When I got close enough the sign read "true value.". Then I realized that meaninglessness was disempowering and I needed to let that go. True value helped me to see the problem of this limiting belief and now I have an awesome idea for a commercial. I think I should ask them and try to make something of this. This might be cool and funny. I also noticed that my concern for other people was a distraction from self discovery so I could figure out what I really want out of life. I help other people for a since of meaning, but this is ultimately selfish although admirable. I have a mission that is more important and could leave a greater impact than a small act of kindness which comes at my expense. This way I can seek what I really want. Good luck. Follow your interests and see where they take you.

August 26-27, 2020 I continued with my books and life purpose course. If you haven't purchased the book list then you are missing out on a lot of personal development. It would have been amazing if I had broken my lazy habits a year ago and I was already growing myself this way. The books give me many angles to look at myself from and it is filtering into my family life. There is still some tension in my motives behind my interaction with my sister. It is done out of me thinking She will be mad at me if I don't act a certain way. This is unhealthy and can easily fester into resentment of left unchecked. I might need to talk about that too. i also discovered that I go to sleep easily when reading a book, but I stay awake longer if I am just laying in bed. I think I will try that, but I don't know how to turn off the lights when I am about to sleep. I should try to get that balanced because I have an easy way for me to fall asleep. I haven't been taking melatonin in the meantime and I still fell asleep in about an hour or so and stayed asleep. The book I read for bed is about autism. I find it very relatable and it explains a lot of the things I think about. Earlier I met a woman who's mother recently died but I did not have any intense emotional reaction. Partially because I dont want to make myself feel sad, partially because I don't want to act like I am upset for people I never met. These ideas may be preventing me from becoming further in touch with my emotions which people with autism struggle with. Have fun.

August 25, 2020 I Finally started talking to my family. I did not confess everything, but I did explain what I was thinking. It came up that I have a lot of negative thinking. I paid attention to this and noticed that positive thinking tends to be truer than negative thinking. This helped me to shift my perspective for the better. I then proceeded to ask my family for their honest opinion about me. They did not say much yet, but I think they see something that I don't. By applying these points of view I can grow myself much more effectively than if I rely only on my own. This translates into a better family life and makes it easier to grow my consciousness. I also have less of a reason to avoid my family even though I did not openly admit all the embarrassing stuff. My shift to being more optimistic than pessimistic made it easier to sleep without melatonin. This is pretty cool because I notice my mind slowing down a lot, making it easier to stay out of the spirals that lead to suicidal thoughts at the worse. Negative thinking can be very untrue and leads to a lot of lying. I should also clean my bed once every one of two weeks because I am so much more comfortable. For the rest of the day I continued with my books and life purpose course. I noticed that pessimism breaks the interest I have in many things including chess. My pessimism is also untrue because it depends on creating a very partial life story that does not focus on anything good. My life thus becomes a constant struggle to redeem myself which comes from the negative thought that there is something wrong with me. A truer story is that most of my life was either neutral or good and I got through all the bad in the end. This is more inspiring for the life purpose course. You don't have to love me.

In my reading I came across some interesting points. This includes reality is as it is whether we accept it or not. The second point is the paradox of selfish love. If we try to make someone love us, it backfires because we don't give them the freedom to hate us. Through allowing the freedom to hate, it is more likely to cause someone to love you. When ever I limit myself by attempting to be only one side whether it is love or hate, good or bad, or many other things, I plant the seed of suffering in myself. Eventually I am torn from the part I have chosen because my identification came with doubt, lies, and an inevitable death of what I chose. This demonstrates a limitation of mind and thought because any thought limits me and leads to death. I think I am very limited by the identity of the mind. I am currently observing the happy feeling that arises as I identify with the mind. This happy feeling is often present even when I beat myself up to cause myself suffering. This was the inner laughter and devil's advocate that lead me to spirituality because of the happiness I get from hurting myself. If I cling to suffering out of selfishness, this limit does not allow me to be anything else, and this must be maintained through lies. For brief moments I start to understand what is being said, but my mind then muddies itself to confuse me and say I don't know. I would say this has nothing to do with what is true, but my mind attaches to this idea of true in order to make itself even more stubborn. For similar reasons my mind attaches to spirituality in order to keep me identified with the movements of the mind. I am going to keep watching this identity. I think allowing myself to limit myself may work in the same counter intuitive way as love. it hurts to be as self aware as I am now, but it hurts far more to not be this award of my mind. What would you do to stop limiting yourself?

August 24, 2020 Today I worked an 8 hour shift. I slept a little bit better, but still not very long because I needed to get up early. I think if I clean the bed sheets more often, I will sleep more easily. As for my sister, I did not confess to her. I only spent more time around her. I did not speak much to her, but I notice how she gives me an impossible problem of love. If I am not allowed to dislike her or not love her, then I will dislike her. I will have to tell her how this problem puts me in situations where there are no good answers and it will only make the situation worse. Instead of confessing after work because my mind told me that I am too tired to deal with all of the consequences of telling her, I listened to Elkhart Tolle again. I still worked on not identifying with the mind. I did slightly better because I admitted everything to myself, but I don't think it is quite enough. I feel like spirituality is a blessing and a curse. It is so hard to go back to the ordinary way of thinking. I follow what my interests are and simply continue to observe myself. I Finally posted another topic in the forum about how to stop limiting myself. I think this causes suffering because I end up lying in order to maintain an identity as if it were true. You don't have to love me.

August 23, 2020 Today I feel like it was one thing after another. I am getting taken aside from the life purpose course through my inability to sit still and focus. I want to finish the course absolutely because it will change my life. I lost time to work and getting my time taken by chores as well. I was unable to calm myself for most of the day even with my attempt to meditate. My sister is back from our of town and by "she annoys me" I mean she reminds of a quality about myself that I hate and don't accept. If I want to more effectively focus on the life purpose course I need to be able to be happy without constantly distancing myself of from someone who loves with me. I have had enough of this and it is time for me to correct what is wrong in terms of what it is I hate about myself that she is pointing out to me. If I care about truth, then I won't use spirituality to make it look like I care about truth but really i am avoiding what needs to be done. I know what I just go through for the sake of truth if I cared. And I don't have to care because it is whether I care or not. I think enough is enough and this needs to stop. I also manipulated my family for money and she is doing it to me by nagging me to pay for gifts. I avoided getting a car and used other people to increase my income at their expense. I have yet to correct my wrongs even when I talk about them to myself. If I care about truth or at least my own happiness, I will address these issues. I must be honest with other people as terrifying as it sounds. I must be honest with words because they don't want it read through my complicated writing to the point that they don't understand me. I am impairing my own abilities to communicate with others and be more conscious and in touch with my emotions and my truth. With all of these things unaddressed, it is no wonder I turn this site into an ideology and I can't do anything else. Religion occupies my mind because I can't ride above this so long as spirituality is used to avoid my problems. If they laugh at me or don't accept me, then I am the way I am anyway. Again if I seek self mastery then I must go through what is about to come my way. I can't master my life if I can't speak to the people around me openly and honestly. I still feel terrified and I am having doubts but I think I can do it. If I ultimately do nothing, I will be left with the same dysfunctional relationship that I contribute to even if others don't notice how. I will lose if I look for external sources to solve these concrete issues. I am the only one who can solve it and I must be willing to face unpleasantness to grow myself. I have no other choice because the only vehicle for God is to be honest with my family. Anything else is a tool for devilry and I will contribute to their suffering. I will never be happy, my consciousness will always spike and plummet, and I will be left running in circles for an experience that can't exist without conquering the false self that I have constructed around this site to avoid my family problems. This is also why I read so many books. I tell myself that I am helping the situation, but really I am always extremely limited so long as my mind refuses to apply anything to the problem at hand. This leads to intellectual ego because it is my shield for my kids which I have swept under the rug for a long time. My relationship with my family will only get worse and worse because of what I am doing and there is only one way to solve it. I have always known what needs to be done and the consequences of avoiding it makes my situation worse. My unconsciousness is spiraling out of control and it is causing me physical problems with my health and emotions. I am so full of shit with these practices. This is why they will never work and they will never produce enlightenment. For the sake of my sanity and integrity I wish to become stronger. Right now I feel like I can't and I want to be stronger. I feel like I don't want to do this, but the truth will not change. Get your shit together or you will always feel like your full of shit in spirituality. Only then will you understand love at deeper levels. The glass ceiling has been hit, make your choice. I choose consciousness because I will go insane if I continue down this route.

August 22, 2020 I had an irregular sleep pattern. Part of it may be caused by using this tablet toward the end of the night before bed. I need to spend more time contemplating whether or not I should keep using this journal because I am unclear. I feel like I could go either way. Anyway, after being tired for much of the day, my cousin came over to visit. He made so much noise that it can make it hard to stay focused on the life purpose course. Because of this, I spent more time out on walks and at the park listening to Eckhart Tolle. He talks a lot about being present and the vibe left behind helps me to calm my racing thoughts. It helps a lot of my anxiety as I put a lot of effort into self reflection today. I labeled many spiritual beliefs beliefs because my mind tries to twist them in order to backwards rationalize something that is harmful to me anyway. This harm creates an addicting sense of identity that has caused me so much suffering that it made me interested in spirituality sense I noticed this "child" which does not really exist and I am giving it power to hurt me out of selfishness. I spent a lot of time meditating and writing. I started to notice how deeply unconscious I am of this damaging process that contributes to my sleeping problems and makes me miserable. Leo said this teacher is misleading because he makes enlightenment seem relaxing, but it is still very helpful to me and I think I will listen to more of his teachings. Of course that is not to say I should create an identity out of this perspective on spirituality because that does not help me to live by my true greatness. I can study other spiritual masters as well to see what it is I can find in them. In my self reflection, I noted my beliefs and how they guided the self reflection. I noticed that this was part of reinforcing an identity with spiritual beliefs which therefore defeats the purpose which is to eliminate suffering. I have suffered such an emotional roller coaster, and I am done with creating temporary pleasure with mind attachments in order to poison and harm myself. Without being the guy who has enlightenment problems, self will will continue to aid me toward the reduction of unnecessary suffering. Consciousness raised your capacity for love. Love is another spiritual belief which is why it feels dirty to me when saying it. With practice your new elevation will make your life much better.

August 21 -22, 2020 In this day I was busy contemplating whether or not I should keep doing this actualized journal online. Like chessable it becomes like a chore and I could be spending more time building a vision for my future or finding more self help books which are very helpful. On the other hand I would be documenting significant changes as they occur. It would make other people aware of this journey to see if they find something helpful. Judging by my current behavior I seem to be leaning toward keep it. I did a ton on my days off. I stepped up my meditation and contemplated different possible paths I could take on life. My self reflection became very emotional because I don't wish to be held back by the pleasure I derive from causing my own suffering. I am doing what ever is needed to do the life purpose course well. I would also like to inform you that there are some awesome self help I have been reading they are not only helpful for my psychology, but also my physical health. Some of these books are not from the list, but are still very powerful and they work for me. I am leery about telling you the name of the book because I don't want my account to get banned after I just purchased the life purpose course. This account is thus linked to my identity. Lol. Practical self help books which don't seem practical to some people make learning a joy. I wish that young children were able to understand how much better their lives could be and how much suffering can be avoided if they realize how limited our education in our culture is. It may be hard to do, but if children did this it would correct the problem of undereducated Americans electing politicians among the countless other benefits of education. It would literally save people from deaths linked to ideological wars. I have recently been experiencing a lot more joy and peace because I am more connected to the present. There are occasional thoughts that come up, but my racing thoughts have really slowed down. This can help me sleep and be joyful without needing to drag myself to insanity. This caused so many life problems, but then they just disappear. Keep up what your doing.

August 20, 2020 Today I finally did it. I started the life purpose course. I think I will be fine typing on this, but I do not need to hold it very high. If it is like chessable, it turns into a time sink if I am not really helping myself. I will need to contemplate this activity I am doing right now to determine how helpful it is. Maybe it is helpful because it constantly reminds me of personal development and self actualization. I also managed to finish giving away all of my rubies. The people in the site seem very happy with my decision and they support my search for my life purpose. I wish them good luck in continuing chess and learning. Chess bothers me a little in that it is very narrow for a life purpose, and therefore can't be the middle. I also realize that it reinforced my identity as the mind which might be cool to transcend. Sometimes I blow myself away with what I write even though it is not a common way of thinking. I did more meditation on my day off in the backyard. I am happy for only working part time because it lets me work on all of this stuff. The life purpose course might help me find a better job which is why my intuition tells me that I should get a car because it probably will not be within walking distance. I live with my grandma still, but this is temporary as is my dependence on people driving me around. I noticed that it is easy for me to focus on things that I am interested in. When I am not interested I do not focus or listen. This is my greatest strength and weakness because I can seriously commit to a goal and master it if I truly want to. I become mediocre in things I don't care about and I just don't do As well. I need to make sure this does not hurt me in key situations while capitalizing on one of my greatest strength. I also noticed that I automatically started thinking more positive thoughts. I did not force myself to. I just put my awareness on how the negative thoughts drain me and are counter productive. I had some very unusual things written in self reflection given how I typically think. I don't want to get sucked into the vortex and downward spiral. Politics bubbled up again and the thing that bothers me about it is that it is riddled with competing ideologies. I would like to subordinate the least productive thoughts to my life purpose. Maybe I will pick it up again later when I'm done aligning myself with my life purpose. Maybe I will stay away from politics because I feel dirty when promoting an ideology as if it is true. FInally, I the minor annoyances of walking with audio books started to discourage me. I am not as focused on them especially when they get complicated. Instead I go to the park to work out a little and meditate at home. If I am not meditating, working out, studying the course, or taking a break with music, then I will listen to audio books. The ones I like most are the books which point to the true nature of being. It makes me cry, but now I am happy. I can use audio books to diversify the spiritual teachings. So far it is working well for me and I am listening to Eckhart Tolle. He is pretty good so far. Continue to follow your heart and you will find bliss. Also don't fear the fluctuations, they are all temporary because of what you do in your spare time.

August 19, 2020 For the start of the day I finished my essay on ideology, but it needs some editing so I can get the main point across without claims too radical for people to be open minded. This would be leading from too high up the spiral and people would not understand me. It would be like my writing is so complicated that people don't want to read it. If people just say your smarter than me and I don't get it, there is little it will do to raise the consciousness of mankind. I then felt myself getting complacent with few goals. I had finished another audio book and I started sitting down on YouTube again. I felt like this just was not right and I could not continue. This is how I was when I first got out of college with no real direction. Rather than repeat this I tried to continue st something with the essay, but I was not good at editing and I think I made it worse so I stopped. I also tried writing down a list of goals. I now felt overwhelmed and paralyzed by fear because the goals were tall orders and very intimidating. I then tried reading the enlightenment book, but I did not account for the exercises I would have to do to finish the book in a week. I could do it if I just read, but I have a lot of contemplation that I need to do If I want to do the book properly. I also start the life purpose course Thursday. Finally, I needed to work 7 at night until 11 so it was an awkward time for typing on the blog. I noticed my dear of groundlessness and meaninglessness come up again so I decided to self reflect on order to find what needs to be done about this returning fear. I meditated for a little bit before going to bed. I will not live in fear of my destruction. I will overcome this and learn acceptance on deeper levels.

August 18, 2020 Today I had plans to visit my grandma and I still have my off day on Thursday to get started on the life purpose course. I will never let weeks become months or I will kill my own joy and motivation. As I waited for my grandma to get off of work I continued studying some audio books and I found some useful meditation exercises. They help me to more present and connected to the world around me. The reason I am stuck in my head is because of verbal abuse by other people. I felt less interested in listening to them as my reaction because I was constantly under attack no matter how I behaved at school. This was abuse from the teachers, not just students. I then felt that I was safe in my thoughts because they are do want from other people. This felt harmful to me as I did it because I cut myself off from the rest of the world and I have a hard time opening my heart as it was when I was a child. The possibility that people will hurt me makes me isolate myself in my awareness, my mind, and my heart. I continued with my essay on ideology and it started getting long. I may need to cut out the second half of the story I originally planned just to make it simple. If it flies over too many people's heads of will not really raise the consciousness of mankind. My sister showed up late to go to Kentucky. I think she takes after her mother who is always late, whereas I am always early because I want to be a good employee or I don't want to miss a deadline. My sister was in a foul mood and she did not want to go to Kentucky today. She drove sloppily and cussed at all the drivers. Finally, she hit a curb and I tried to lighten her mood by saying "that curb deserved it.". She agreed and complained about how the curb gets to occupy land without paying taxes. Then it grows grass on top of it because it is just gonna take all of its lackies in. Jordan went into mom's house and discussed what we were going to do about going to Kentucky. Jordan finally decided that she would drive me over and mom would pick me up. I save a lot of money on not paying for a car, but it is a little annoying for other people. I have a licence and driving makes me more alert, so it might be good for my development. Money is my primary concern though. I view the car as a major leak unless I have money to be made from the car. If I had this opportunity, it would sway me toward driving, but for now I can manage walking just enough to avoid the payments. I feel bad when I think of this. Jordan drove fast during the trip and I was a little nervous. I used the GPS to help guide her, but occasionally she had to slam the breaks to avoid an accident. She wanted to listen to music but her phone was dying. I turned one calming music with pianos. Toward the end I put on Zen master diary which may be too relaxing for driving so that might be dangerous. In the end we made it in one piece. Jordan never watched spiral dynamics. She said that it is too long and boring so she wanted a short 10 minute version. I tried explaining the value of this self education, but to no avail. Jordan tried to go home immediately, but grandma called her back to eat dinner before she goes home. Jordan changed her mind and stayed a while longer. While we were there I tried explaining what happened on chessable, but it was such a long story, that I decided to just show the writing. Nanny laughed at my initial message, but refused to read the rest because it was too long. I communicate better with other people when writing because I can go into detail about complicated thoughts. Most people refuse to read because of it. I read the message to my sister quickly, but she said she got the gist of it. After Jordan left I spent most of the time doing meditation exercises in the almost quiet house except my grandma kept calling me. I learned that it is possible to feel the space around you and sense movement without seeing it. It is like ripples flowing through water. I managed to detect some movement of my grandma, but I could not detect the cats quietly crawling passed me. I finished most of the book and spent the rest of the time petting shady and playing star wars. I cut back on video games and YouTube because there is far more value in audio books. I decided to finish the rest of the book on the way home. Shady was very happy to be met because nobody has let her since dad died and he was her owner. I got cat hair all over me and a couple of marks from Love bites. I only did a few of levels in star wars, but it is interesting to note that I exploited a glitch with the A.I. In order to kill count dooku with one ordinary soldier. I thought that I would not stand a chance and the computer never used a hero bonus against me. When I used a hero bonus, I completely crushed the enemy on tatooine with darth maul. The clones did not stand a chance. This time I stood out of range of Dooku's lightning attack and just shot at him like any enemy. The lightning could not reach me and I was shocked that I just killed him so easily. All he had to do was charge at me and throw his light saber. On the ride home I listened to the rest of my book with head phones in. I sensed that it was getting very sexual and intimate, and I did not want my mom to hear what I was listening to. The recording repeated "I want you my bitch.". My mom never studied shadow work, enlightenment, and spirituality, so I felt that she would not get it. I did get benefits from the book though, and I am glad I learned. when I got home I needed to sleep immediately because I thought I had work 7 a.m. Keep learning and keep growing.

August 17, 2020 Today I needed to work from 11-7. I am going to Nanny's tomorrow as well, and I have the set day to start the life purpose course. If I do not monitor myself, days will become weeks, and weeks will become months, and months will become years. Early in the day I took my chance to listen to audio books and I found more useful information for emotional management. School would never teach me this and I must discover these things through my own self observation. I must also hone my own curiosity and study many audio books. They affect how I think and if you are not doing it, you should try it. One day I will quickly understand the world from many perspectives, and I will become a more nuanced thinker. There are so many things I have yet to learn. While at work I ran into the same problems as usual. I am not engaged with my work and I don't interact with the customers enough for the manager to be happy. I am an introvert with many racing thoughts. I am often distant from my direct experience as I identify with a version of myself which does not represent how I act. I will monitor this as I learn what it means to be present from another spiritual teacher. After work I decided not to waste time on the tablet because there are so many other things I could do. Tomorrow I will finish giving away all of the rubies on chessable where I have about 400 left still. I will wait until after I get back home to finish the job before announcing I am out of rubies and I will remove the site from my history. After giving away more rubies, I nearly went back to my habit of watching YouTube. I felt that there were a million more valuable things I could be doing over watching cartoons and low brow humor. I decided to continue the abortion essay which I restarted in order to make much better and more honest. I feel like the new essay more accurately reflects my true intention by explaining how I suffered and how I grew. I also decided to make it an essay about ideology and personal development, but I chose abortion as an example of people becoming ideological because of their limited development. I typed about 5 pages and I can finish about another third of it tomorrow morning. I am glad to see you becoming more productive and making contributions to the world no matter how small they seem now. You are making people's lives better by being honest about yourself. The more honest I can be, the more fulfilling my life can be as I become in touch with my purpose. My purpose is to accept myself and love myself unconditionally, and this solved many problems already with my emotions and self judgement.

August 16, 2020 Today I am discovering that I must constantly feed my passion for life. I feel that I have strayed today and if I maximize my efforts I will be far happier than I am becoming. I am going on a wrong direction. I worked in the middle of the day, and in the morning I finished a few chess lessons that I have not yet touched of my paid courses. My mind is paralyzing itself with thighs that feel productive and have some value, but this value is relative to chess and not my deepest possible purpose. For now my mission is to get in touch with it and to not be afraid of disciplining myself into loving myself more and acting on my heart's desire. I am continuing to learn from my books. It is very helpful, but I must remember that it is not my deepest purpose. Books are a convenience to help me achieve full self understanding. Books are my tools, not my purpose. I nevertheless am expressing what I learned from the books in how I am thinking. This is why I value the books I am reading or listening to do much. They are a helpful source of growth, but hearsay nonetheless. I am continuing to give away everything on chessable. So far I am given away nearly half of my rubies and many people are still amazed by what they are seeing. They are still coming in and asking. They think that this is an epic way to leave the site. One of the guys on the forum asked me about a difficult personal situation. I told him that I am a stranger attempting to answer a very personal question. I warned him not to trust people so easily on the internet. My instinct is still to help people in anyway that I can. I feel a little bit passion for life is lost in the process. This is what I did for the schizophrenic man. When I bend over backwards to help other people live a better life, I am killing my own dreams. Anyway, I think I gave him some valuable information. I hope it helped him. He messaged back as I was typing that. He said that my advice is like a Caro-Kann. He thinks it is ultra solid and he could engine check it to make sure. I won't type the whole thing here again, but I am glad that he found it useful. He thinks I am a cool dude like many people do when I communicate my complex thoughts to them on the internet. I find it nice that people find my messages useful and helpful. If I am to love myself more then I need to not allow my purpose to be subordinated to others. Other people are not my purpose. If I were a little more selfish, I would act on the impulse to make my life amazing. If I do, it will make more loving. I will be able to give even more to the world so I can help people even more. I do not need to be attached to other people or make them the main source of my meaning. I am the source of my meaning and joy in life. I can give up what I have for others now to build myself into an even greater gift for the universe. I need to contemplate the meaning I attach to other people. It hurts me in some way and I can heal from this misaligned value system. My highest form of love seems scary to me now because I don't know my true nature and everything I am capable of. If must love myself enough to be willing to discover it.

August 15, 2020 Today I had an early shift 6am-10. I did not do much there, but my manager has never stopped reminding me about how shy I am with the customers. I feel like I am not suited for this customer service and the grocery store is just a source of income to me. I never get a chance to use my creative abilities and my complaints seldom change anything. I am optimistic about my abilities to change this situation. I will keep chess jobs as an option for more fun jobs, although I get paid less. I don't really have any significant incentives at Kroger and there are so many other things I could be doing with my life. After work my grandma told me about a trip to see some sunflowers. As I waited I started tying up loose ends by finishing more chess exercises. I am becoming very productive because of my sense of purpose. I still have about several chess lessons from my other courses to finish so I can lay it all to rest. My heart wants to do the life purpose course, but there is some fear holding me back and making me hesitate. I feel like a lot is about to change in the coming months and I need to be ready. I will not let this fear get the better of me and it is only a matter of time, and not that much time. Granny mentioned buying the course next week, but I don't want to keep kicking the can down the road. I will be quick to crush many small tasks, but I will not let my mind trick me into thinking I have done the bulk of the work. For example, I am listening to audio books, but if I really want to improve my relationship with my family, I just spend time with them. I must also learn to be less fearful of the consequences of the social interactions because this fear will paralyze me and me awkward. I will give more Love to those my family and receive what they give to me as well. I decided to go with my family to the sunflower field. We don't normally do this, so I did not pass the opportunity to spend time with them. I did not talk much except to an artist who was designing some cloth with the sunflower patterns. After exploring the field I complimented her work and told her that it will look better in her house than what she buys at goodwill. She also has pride because she made it herself. On the way to and from the field I listened to audio books. I learn a lot from these books and I have way too much to gain to pass up the opportunity to listen to them. I wish I had been doing this for years already. When walking I just need to stay away from busy areas and I prefer quiet neighborhoods away from loud dogs and cars. The value of my walking is so much higher than it previously was, but it is critical that watch especially carefully for cars which I do. My mind also slows down so much and listens to what is coming in. I feel much more passionate about life. One thing I pay attention to is if I feel like I am believing my thoughts and mind. I may need to ask about finding a balance for this and what it means. The effect of has on me tends to be neurotic and painful with no obvious gain for the discomfort caused and it is constant. My thoughts are true enough to say in the moment and not really lies. My cousin was loud and it was a temporary annoyance. I had to turn my headphones loud while in the car, but I prefer to keep them loud enough for me to hear rather than drown everyone else out. I listened to about 4 hours worth of these books in total today and this is a habit worth keeping. Finally, I decided to quit chessable. I was sent an email in which the website encouraged me to keep my streak. I felt an urge to go back to my previous pattern, so I stopped and contemplated the decision with a pen and paper. I decided that I was just doing this to keep a streak and I was not really gaining anything. In order to make my leave more complete, I would need to give away all of my rubies. These are worth real money and take a long time to save up. I decided that if there was real value in that site, then I will start from scratch and do what ever paid courses I thought was best. I will not restore my steak with rubies unless I pay to. If I pay to, I will get addicted again and it may be even harder to break. I explained my decision to the forum. They completely understood my decision and were happy that I was doing what was best for my life. They encouraged me to continue with this decision and I saw that they needed the rubies way more than I did. Some wanted to restore their streaks or buy more courses. I did not need the rubies and I feel very happy giving it away and making others happy. This makes it worth saving the streak after all this time. This is way more fulfilling than getting points and badges and streaks. I will continue to listen to my heart and follow my deepest wishes. One thing I am doing that bothers me is tying up loose ends to leave nothing undone. It won't take more than a week to do this. I am also hesitating because of I add the life purpose course in addition to everything else I am finishing, it could overwhelm me in terms of how much I am learning. Several of my goals are about to be met and with just a couple of days off, I can be on my way to discovering my full greatness by overcoming my fear of the transformation coming my way. Live a passionate life and love will not be so difficult for you.

August 14, 2020 Tomorrow I work 6 in the morning to 10. I need to get to bed soon. I finished my last chess session and after work I plan to purchase the life course. This will help me solve a large chunk of my problems once I can get my life on a focused course The fun in chess might come back if I don't have other major problems in the background. I have been doing just a little bit of chess lessons, but I don't have to do a ton. I will just watch more improve my chess lessons from time to time. I managed to keep myself off of chessable for one day. It is hard to resist, but the reason I am quitting is because it is addicting. It is like the nonogram game. I feel like I am just playing it for daily rubies, and I am learning much less than I would if I bought actual courses. I don't need the streak of I want to come back and play the paid courses. I need to resist it for one more day to kill my streak. I would feel more free without the added stress of keeping the daily bonus. I can pull this off pretty easily. In the session itself my coach was happy with how I did the homework. I found many different plans for the exercises. We then focused on the concept of exchanging and recognizing when it is good for us. There were some interesting maneuvers I needed to find in order to remove my opponent's strong pieces. I did a lot of nothing for most of the day. I tried meditation with a little more focus since I was not on electronics. I feel less focused by being on this tablet to type all of this. I also wanted to listen to more of the audio books and I planned on combining that with walking. My phone cut out and started being completely stupid with my data not working. I had to go back home and restart the phone. By the time I finished it started raining. Meanwhile, my sister foiled my plans by arguing that I don't pay enough attention to my surroundings to walk with an audio book. She argued that serial killers will mug me if I try that. I tried the bike instead and I don't like the bike because it makes my knees feel weird. I am going to end up walking with the audio book. I am bothered too much otherwise and there is too much to gain from this combination. I know she loves me, but it comes in the form of getting in my way. Instead we watched a movie about magic tricks. It was on Disney plus and came out a couple of days ago. It was a nice movie about a boy overcoming his stage fright. Everybody seemed to have their own character development. Good night and your plan is about to be on its way. I might just finish off the last handful of exercises so I don't forget. I feel much more peaceful now and I can start building my vision. Good luck and I love you. I also love your sister.