trenton

September 25, 2020 I had poor sleep which lead me to laying in bed a lot. I wasted a lot of time in mindless entertainment which did not fulfill me. I tried getting a nap to no avail. I ended up going to the woods early, but I did not stay as long because I got hungry faster than usual. The cereal did nothing for me. Anyway, while in the woods I meditated and contemplated reality bubbles. I wondered what would happen if I popped all of the reality bubbles of which reality is made. Somewhere along the line my gradual enlightenment experiences brought me to an experience of no self. I wrote about how being absorbed in myself is designed to feed suffering through various methods. This includes over thinking, stirring emotions, judgements of myself and others, and more. My sense of self was used to create a lot of needless suffering. I fought with this a lot in the past, but this only feeds the ego. Finally a lot of suffering stopped and my mind quieted down. Thoughts still happen, but I am less self absorbed and not hating myself because it is addicting. These retreats to the woods helped a lot. I continued typing my book. I intended to continue the life purpose course, but forgot about it because I was busy wasting time earlier. I typed a lot of hilarious things in that book. I did not finish an entire chapter because the library did not let me stay more than an hour for COVID. I typed some at home as well. I also noticed yesterday that I wasted a lot of time in this forum. I am being more mindful of my time as I type this. Sleep well. I am grateful that you have the ability to ride above your drama.

September 24, 2020 I started off this morning with a hiking trip. I looked at some places that were off the main trail. I eventually found a way to get to that old house that I could not remember how I found. While in the woods I wrote about competitive spirit. It is a source of a lot of self judgement and it leads to a lot of falsehood of I think I need to be better than everybody else. It may contribute to bodily tension. I continued scanning my body, trying to release some tension. When I went back home, I practiced reducing my sugar intake just a little. I ultimately forgot to take my pills today and did not notice much of a difference. I continued the life purpose course after watching Dragon ball z. I learned about a critical concept. this concept is a game changer, but I can't tell you what it is unfortunately. I watched a long video going into detail about this concept. I would love to tell you more but I can't. It finally dawned on me that I needed to move away from the inauthentic truth seeking to writing my book. I started my YouTube habit to help me avoid doing what I love. I don't want to deny myself everything I am capable of by getting caught up in so many petty fights I get into because I am not doing what I want. I typed a couple of days in my book, and I plan to get back on track with it. Your life purpose has been under your nose the whole time. You have been finding excuse after excuse and distraction after distraction to stop you. This is the source of your misery. I am capable of much greater degrees of self love, and it does not need to come from spirituality. All of your drama is self imposed and designed to make your life worse. I have an equal amount of power to stop all of it and shift it in the opposite direction. This will end all my inner wars, created to make me self absorbed rather than self reflective. Your objective is to become a published author, and you have gotten lost. It is time to end your games. I turn actualized into an ideology because personal development is part of the game I am playing to stop me from typing the book. Conquer yourself and rise above everything that came before.

September 23, 2020 I continued with the same agenda, adjusting for the work schedule. I started off listening to the life purpose course and continuing the audio book. I am remembering how long it took me to Finally start listening to those, but there is just too much information you are missing without them. They can help you a lot. I did not need to work until later in the day, so I left 3 hours early to go to the woods. I took my apron and folded up in the lunch box. I set a timer for two hours because this time it mattered how long I was out. I went to my make shift table to write about Mind and self love. I recognized that a difficult part of my identity to change was my identity as the mind. By cutting myself off from my body, my ego was often able to manipulate spiritual truths and twist them while mixing healthy aspects with unhealthy aspects. This is how spirituality was used to slow personal development, and it is a big reason why intellectualizing can become a trap to prevent change. Examples. 1. I have been isolating myself constantly from other people. This contributes to awkward social behavior. My former behavior was justified by the idea that I am supposed to isolate myself. I could tell this was false, and I have taken steps to correct it. I can still be more open to people and speak to them in a way they can understand. This is a necessary part of truthful self expression and self acceptance regardless of their judgement. 2. By identifying with a mind in my head, I reinforced the notion that I was a smart person. This is silly because actually it is smarter not to place so much strain on your head. I did this a long time ago and it stuck. Both of these habits were developed when I was a child and I am trying to correct them. The "you are not your body" belief is thus used to limit me to the brain, increasing unhealthy body tension while locking me in the former perspective. It is possible to correct the childhood habits, but it will take work because I started developing them when I was elementary school. I would like to see this change occur. As I continued my meditation, I expanded my consciousness throughout my body. I suddenly felt a ridiculous amount of tension. This might cause sleeping problems and trouble focusing. It was seriously painful physically to sit there aware of all the tension. It filled my entire back, neck, and arms. I did not see my legs, but this would explain why I have trouble breathing sometimes. As I struggled to breath, I continued expanding my awareness through my body. I eventually got off the rocks and went to the field of grass. I rested my back and began breathing in and out. I did what I could to release this insane amount of tension. My doctor and family noticed it, but they have not found a way to correct it. I tried neck exercises, but it was not enough. My body started to feel better, but that is no where near the end. I eventually left for work and I continued scanning my body. I struggled to get passed my neck because it was painful as this tension unraveled. I know how I must continue if I want to prepare myself to take psychedelics. I may review that episode on body awareness to help correct this painful karma. I think there are some work shops about this. I could look into those at some point to see if those help. Of course I haven't forgotten about everything else though. I explored another chunk of the woods out of curiosity in the last 40 minutes. I found some human machine in the middle of the woods. No idea what its purpose is. I eventually found another exit to the woods. I could see the walking trail from up by the electric towers. I explored the rest of the area and discovered some houses, so I turned back. By the time I went back through the woods I had ten minutes before I had 1 hour to get to work. I did a lot of scouting through those woods, and I have been to a good chunk of the areas. I never encountered another human in those woods, but apparently they go back there. I see some trash to pick up, but it is mostly clean. I left for work. I tested two possible routes to get to work today. They are both uncomfortable, but it is worth it for this kind of habit being set up. As I mentioned before I had a searing pain in my neck that I was unconscious of. I then worked through the day at Kroger. I cracked a couple of jokes about how if you tell your co workers you make 11 dollars an hour, they will follow you home and throw bricks through your window. The boys will teach you a lesson for telling us how much money you make. After I got back home I did not do much else. I watched some shows and it is past my bedtime now. good night.

September 22, 2020 I had another interesting day. I started off with waking up early and not getting back to sleep. I just lay there in a daze tired. I see that I am on electronics after 9. This does not help and I should probably push this back. I left for work by 9 and I prepared to go to the woods after work. While at work I just cleaned all day. It was monotonous and boring. I am creating these negative emotions trying to move myself to get a different job. I think all of my fear is used to manipulate me. After work I purchased two apples and went to the woods. I sat and did nothing for about 2 and half hours. I did look around the fallen logs I was sitting on. I also listened and watched the deer that were running around the trees. I struggled to meditate and I was not focusing very well. My mind just kept moving and included the topic of touching of myself. I went back home to get dinner. We had dinner later than usual. I have been eating less than usual as I have been spending more time in the woods. I did not have a craving for ice cream and I did not want it. Eating less sugar should improve my sleep. I felt full with dinner and I think I have been taught to eat more than I need to eat. This habit is proving to be beneficial. I then listened to audio books and continued the life purpose course. I am getting a lot of valuable information from this combination and I make sure I keep learning while creating myself into what I would like to be. I did not spend much time with the family because I am off doing my own thing. I am also using spirituality to transform myself in such a way that I can more effectively pursue my life purpose no matter what it may be. I am seeing my mind transform in a way that gives me more inner peace while empowering me. Of course I can't ignore the problem of money and financial independence. This should not be ignored with disguised egotism. All of my thoughts are creative and I am focusing them toward a new transformation. This is my evolution toward love.

September 21, 2020 Today was a nice day. I was in the woods for about 4 hours. I found some decomposed deer and I went to the bathroom under a fallen tree. I found some better spots to meditate. I often have a hard time focusing, but the more I am out in nature the quieter my mind becomes. It is similar to my dream about that which has no opposite. I feel selfish spiritual ego in the background pretty often. I am simply labeling selfishness when I see it in a non-moralizing way. I labeled other forms of selfishness such as wanting to look smart or wise. There is also self sabotage created by being afraid of sabotaging myself. Deep down I feel I knew this was true. I can accept responsibility without falling myself evil. Instead I seek alignment with God, paradoxically recognizing that I thought that that would be a good idea. Last night I had a deeper insight into love which I had all along since I was a child. The reason we tell the truth is not for a moral reason. It is to help free ourselves from self deception. Telling the truth is you accepting yourself. If you can't tell the truth about yourself, then what do you love? I wrestled with self deception for a long time and I became very neurotic. From my point of view I was trying to love myself from a position of fear which lead to a lot of inner wars. Thank you. This makes me sad but happy. I told my grandma about what I do when I have a hard time sleeping. She said she gets it because it helps to relax me. I still did not tell a few other things, partially because I need to talk to mom alone. A lot of these things probably don't matter, but at least I can start from a good foundation when building a good life. I am stating to open up to other people because of the benefits of telling the truth. I experience fear and hesitation because I am worried about how people will judge me. I don't need to avoid acknowledging this about myself. I continued with the life purpose course and I am getting pretty decent advice. It is different from some of what Peterson told me. I also continued some audio books. One book I finished was not in the book list, but helpful anyway. There are some spiritual books I listen to that contradict what Leo said, but I try to keep an open mind, recognizing that my judgement is coming from a place of love and my desire for God. It is also fear of being wrong, and I sense some selfishness in there with this fear. I want to be right. By taking this attitude I often have a hard time not thinking of myself as better than other people, which leads to spiritual ego. There are more paradoxes I am still working with like the paradox of self acceptance. I don't want to use this in a way that I justify homeostasis, thus making it harder for me to build a better life. I feel like a snowball is building. I will keep up this meditation habit even though I struggle to focus. The environment quiets my mind anyway. To free yourself from self deception is self love when you accept yourself through truth.

I notice that my mind is taking some painful memories of me doing things that I regret and denying that they are true. When it does it makes me feel better, but I am torn. I cause myself a lot of suffering by holding these memories and the events in which I lied as true. I am insisting on labeling how my mind is lying by saying it didn't happen. I am resistant to this self deception and I am in an awkward position. I think I should tell the truth. It causes me a lot of misery to hold onto this, but I don't know what to do. How do we deal with the mind denying my memories of things that make me feel bad about myself?

September 20, 2020 This time I woke up early, but for close to sleep again. A lot of emotional trauma came up again that was other than "living up to my potential." I woke up thinking about the times I lied. My mind tried to deceive itself by saying the memories did not happen, but I don't let my mind do this. I insist that I am not crazy and I know my memories are right. I will need to discuss a lot of emotional trauma with a counselor soon. This is part of my plan for spiritual development by dissolving toxic parts of the ego without hating them. I think once I have a clear mind and I have more self-love I will more effectively detect a good life purpose. It might be harder because of the trauma. I also like the idea of self transcendence and I would like to get closer to that in the process as well. This might also make it easier to try psychedelics. I am currently not totally clear on how to deal with the self deceptive nature of the mind when it comes to memories about myself that I don't like. I think ultimately telling the truth is the best and it causes me to hold onto a lot of trauma in order to make sure I don't lie to myself. I hope a counselor can help me. I worked a short day and only stayed in the woods for 30 minutes. My meditation was off and on because I had a racing mind again. Eventually, I had to walk home to go to the cheese cake factory. I got something weird and unusual. It tasted weird and unusual. I barely finished it and I was stuffed. On the way back my sister mentioned how my approach to talking to strangers might make people uncomfortable. I don't do it with any malicious intent, I'm just curious about other people. I did make some friends doing this, but I can see my sister's point of view. She thinks I don't listen, but I see what she is worried about. She also mentioned how I laugh out loud a lot. I don't think that's a bad thing. People often wonder why it is I am so happy all the time. My grandma also got a nice lavender spray for my bed and body wash. I am grateful that she is doing whatever she can go help me sleep. I am doing whatever I can by discussing emotional trauma and preparing to speak with a counselor. Your ultimate goal is to free yourself from self deception. This is done as an act of self love, but as hate even though it can be emotionally unpleasant. Find a truthful way to deal with your problems. I can't keep from my family much longer.

@electroBeam thanks a lot. I think it is normal for people to not pay attention to this and I thought I was doing something strange and different. I do plan to see a counselor in the near future. I see this as a long term strategy for growth by discussing a lot of emotional trauma. This way I can exhaust a good resource for dissolving parts of the ego identity.

@ethanb121 no matter what it is that makes you have messed up thoughts there is a way to stay safe. If you know that it isn't true that you should kill yourself and you are worth keeping, it can help keep you from this. Any thought that suggests that you are not worthy of life is a lie. I hope you get out of this rut somehow. Good luck.

September 19, 2020 I slept well last night thanks to the moderator. The moderator said that I should keep feeling more deeply. I try to do that, but I don't always know what to do with the feeling that is there. Doing nothing with it sounds counter intuitive. I needed to work on the morning. My manager needed me to fill in for someone tomorrow. I took it even though I was not enjoying the job. I am selling my passion for a little bit of money. I also took a survey in which I explained that I want a different job. I could learn a lot more with a different job. The underlying belief is that I have to live up to my potential and it makes me miserable, physically I'll in fact. I am afraid that without this belief I will stay where I am, but actually my selfishness makes my life worse. I don't need a new job. After work I meditated in the woods. I wavered a lot though and needed to find warmer spots. I am noticing the temperature differences in the woods depending on the concentration of light and how close to water i am. I may need a jacket or long sleeves to account for this difference. drew came over again. I watched one video of the life purpose course and wasted a lot of the day. I say wasted because I am worried that I will be okay with watching YouTube videos. I am trying to avoid getting comfortable and I therefore give myself the stick. I don't know how to deal with this. I also asked about self deception in the emotional forum. My mind is trying to deny my painful memories were true. I have a lot of guilt and suffering when I refuse to allow the self deception to tell me these thighs did not happen. I don't know how to deal with this. I also don't know how to deal with beating myself up in the hopes of achieving an end goal. This tactic rarely works anyway. I get the most benefits from this site when I study emotions. If I want to be at peace with myself and meditate more effectively, then I can't let these inner wars continue and they must be resolved somehow. Intuitively I would choose truth while resisting the self deception trying to make me suffer less. I think I should tell the truth. This is a source of moralizing which causes more self deception and suffering. I know a more effective route for self understanding and it gives me concrete, tangible results. Do it Trenton. Reduce your suffering and learn about yourself through emotional mastery. This is what I am most interested in even though it is not obvious now how it will make money. I think the long term healing is what will help me with it. I love you.

I would like to note that the "growth mind set" does not feel true of it seems from the belief that I have to live up to "my potential.". I slept much better with a quieter mind without this belief. My entire day improved thanks to my own self reflection with help from a moderator. I started to recognize that something was up with this so called "growth mind set" but I could not completely articulate it. I think it is for some reason helpful to have other people describe what I am trying to describe. Maybe it is because a problem can be solved from a different level of consciousness than from the one that created it.

September 18, 2020 I woke up early and could not get back to sleep. I had a lot of thoughts about accomplishing something important as I woke up. I challenged the thoughts as I realized that any growth brings me to a higher state of consciousness from which to try psychedelics when I ultimately get there. By minimizing psychological trauma I can avoid increased intensity by making sure I am not overwhelmed by my old thinking patterns. I wrote about the sleep disturbance on the forum. Next I watched a life purpose video and meditated in the woods for a little over an hour. The rocks were more comfortable now. Eventually I got to the point that I started hyperventilating. I remembered that I had a hard time breathing when I woke up in the middle of the night. I thought this could be related. I was about to go to the bathroom before returning to my spot, but granny called. The manager needed someone to come in for work today. I volunteered to take it because I was able too even though my plans were different. The manager was grateful, and I hope they mention these things for future jobs. I want to be a good employee is what runs my decisions in cases like these. When I got home, a nice moderator answered my concerns about sleep deprivation. The source of my racing thoughts was that I need to live up to my potential. This is a painful thought which creates a ton of pressure. It feels false because I confused something I am for something I have. I would say that the truth was healing. It made my racing thoughts slow down a lot with far less anxiety. This worked better than the medication that reduced anxiety associated with the thoughts. This should help out my sleep considerably. I am glad I stayed in the forum all this time. Finally, I went to work with a much quieter mind than usual. I was much more present and peaceful with very little stress. Factor in that not only did I get helpful advice, but I also meditated before going homework today. This encourages me to set up ways to meditate on nature on the days on which I work. This would leave me with healing and inner peace without attaching to world views I don't like defending anyway. Thank you

September 17, 2020 The sleep problems continued, but I have to leave for work soon. I had another long day at work, but managed to squeeze in a few chess games, course videos, and the ego development model. I am looking for my chances to meditate around my work schedule. I finally told my family about my plans to try psychedelics. They freaked out and thought I was crazy. I managed to get my family to watch one 30 minute video, but not the 2 hour lectures. I still want to see if I am able to use psychedelics without getting hurt. This is why I should probably start with less intense psychedelics. I need to see if epilepsy is going to be a problem or not. At least I'm being more open and honest now. I like it. Currently, I don't know what feels true.

@Nahm thank you for the very helpful insights. This is actually very accurate and I will probably be a lot happier without thinking I have potential. You are also correct that I am justifying world views I don't even like. You look like you read through a chunk of my journal and saw something I could not see. My mindset was definitely along the lines your describing and I think I can call down more now. I am discovering harmful thought patterns like these and working to correct them. I don't know if "working to correct them" is good or not.

@Nahm I have tried this a few times now. There are a couple of issues I encountered. The first is that the sleep disturbance still did not stop. I am waking up at 3 a.m. And failing to get back to sleep. This causes me to sleep for 4-5 hours. My mind gets more anxious when this happens. I will still meditate when I can because it is still healthy. Secondly, I encountered some deer. They were disturbed by my presence and one and to make sure I don't do anything to scare them. It would be nice to meditate in the morning, but deer have a routine and I never saw any in the area after 2 o'clock. I will have to meditate later if I want to avoid the deer. I have already been taking anxiety pills and my family does not want me in sleeping pills next. One of my fears with modern medicine is that they will get me in As many pills as they can like they did to someone I knew. She was on pills for anxiety and depression as well as there other pills. She ended up mixing it with alcohol and dying. I will try other strategies for improving sleep, but I will not stop meditation. Thank you.

September 16, 2020 I managed to calm down a little bit. I fell asleep late, but slept in since I had a late work night with no dinner. Today a few interesting things happened. I first tried to meditate in the woods early in the morning. Before I left, I went back in to get my mask on case I need to go indoors. I noticed how hatred is addicting because it reinforces a separate sense of self, but I never actually feel good because of it. I was living in fear of pissing my sister off because she seems easily triggered by so many little things that i can't satisfy her. I let go of this fear and let her get mad that I walked back in the house. Granny is taking notice of how easily she gets agitated to. I see how I am manipulating her, but I don't mean it in a bad way. It is in my best interest to be happier, and in the process our conflicts are being drawn to the surface so the family can be more aware of them, ultimately being better for everyone. I don't mean to be mean. Afterwards, I went to the woods. This gets pretty awesome. I went to my meditation spot, and I brought a piece of paper with me to write with. I needed to make a spot for me to write. My meditation spot is on top of a lot of rocks in a shallow creek. I had a lot of fun and laughed joyfully as I realized that I was manipulating the rocks in the environment to my liking. I searched the creek for rocks I like so I could build a more comfortable spot to sit, as well a make shift table to write on. I managed to find a huge, heavy rock to sit on. I then took my old meditation spot, the flat rock,came started stacking rocks on top of it. I then organized the rocks between the seat and the table such that I could comfortably cross my legs and meditate. This was an awesome experience and I loved doing this. It was like infinite intelligence was using the human as a vehicle for change by manipulating the rocks to my liking. This was epic. If you came through those woods now and see the spot I'm talking about, you can tell it's too intelligent and a human had to have manipulated the rocks. Anyway, I did a little bit of contemplation about hatred and how addicting it is just like thinking and my racing thoughts. I then stopped to meditate more deeply than I previously did and I felt very peaceful. Suddenly, I heard some weird noises coming from the woods, I thought it sounded like a machine, and there was other people here. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a brown blur fly past me through the shallow creek. I thought it was a biker, and I went back meditating. The noises continued and they got closer. They started to bug me, so I opened my eyes getting ready to approach the noise to see what it was. By the time I was about to get up, the noise was right in front of me. I looked through the trees to see a for shrieking loudly and looking at me with her ears perked up and laser focus on me. I turned my head to look behind me where I sensed movement. I saw another deer staring at me and it bolted when I looked at it. That was probably what ran across the creek. I looked back to the doe who was still fixed on me. My mind worked more effectively than normal as I considered how I should approach this situation. As the doe shrieked, I could hear stress in it. It was obviously disturbed by my presence. I thought that the deer might attack me or a buck might come to the area to stab me with its antlers. I thought that the safest thing to was get out of the woods. As soon as I stood up, the doe bolted. I walked to the end of the creek and saw that there was no way a biker could get through all of the jagged rocks that quickly or even ride a bike through it. The brown blur had to be on legs. As I spend time out in nature my mind starts adjusting how I think and invent survival strategies. Sometimes there are massive spider webs in the woods so I take off my shirt and whip the edges of the web to tear it down. I can also swat swarms of bugs. I also used some leaves as tissues. There cavemen used to use leaves as toilet paper. I keep finding ways to make my stay in nature more comfortable and my logic is also adjusting. I work with the bare minimum, but I make it work with my creativity. I made my way out of the woods safely. When I got home I did some research on deer. I found some useful information, but not what I was looking for. I still did not find how a person should act in a deer encounter. Deer attacks have happened, and I need to make sure that my behavior does not trigger one. I found that deer have a routine. Sense I showed up much earlier than usual, it would explain why I never encountered any deer before. If I go to that area after 2 instead of before 10 a.m., the deer might have moved on by then. I learned a little bit about deer from the encounter. Standing up terrifies them when they look at you with their ears perked up. I will need to be cautious of I want to use my awesome meditation spot. Anyway, we ate pizza and I started catching up on the recent actualized.org video. I will need to engage in some survival challenges like getting financial independence. I don't want to use spirituality as a distraction from what needs to be done. This is why I have the life purpose course and a lot of appointments coming up. This includes career counselling at some point. I am still not through all the concepts I need to get through and there are many books to check out as well. This is going to be a lot of work. stay on target.

I have been improving my meditation habit, by meditating near a creek and a hiking trail. I was beginning to meditate more deeply, but I was interrupted by some deer. Deer can be dangerous because they run up to 40 mph, can break human bones by stomping with all of their weight, and bucks can tear skin with their antlers. Bucks are aggressive near mating season, and does are aggressive if they perceive a threat to a fawn. If I wish to continue meditating near that creek, then I need some survival strategies. I discovered that deer have a routine. I never found any after 2 o'clock. This time I was there earlier at 9 o'clock. Maybe this is the reason I encountered them. The doe was making loud calls and was clearly alert and disturbed by my presence. How else could deer be dealt with? Is it not worth meditating on nature? How can I make sure not to get attacked?

September 15, 2020 I am still hyper and only meditating a little bit. I worked for 7 hours today and am struggling to calm down. I did a little bit of the life purpose course and played some chess. My entire mindset shifted again recently as my family prepares to get me into counselling along with my doctor appointments. I feel like I am not doing as much as I could. I tell myself that a lot. It may be something similar to the shadow side where I am afraid of doing the opposite of what I want. I think I do a lot of trial and error on myself to see how my psyche works. This may be used a potential distraction from doing other things. I can psycho analyze myself forever, but I am infinitely complex. I feel disappointed in myself, but this is not resourceful. I am constantly extremely happy, but it can make me unfocused. I am very stuck in my mind again and it is hard for me to slow down and let it go. I think if I keep up my meditation whenever I can, I will be better off with this. I am thinking about leaving the forum again because it turns into a distraction. My mind may think I'm doing the work by following this site. I notice that my mind is intentionally trying to make me upset. This is still not productive. All I am doing with this process is changing my emotions around, but getting the same results. I will sleep on the question. What works best for me? Whatever works and gives you results, do it. I don't want to stay stuck in my mind, only creating different states, emotions, thoughts, ect. Because I care about you, I will admit that I am too absorbed in my own complexity, and I don't want to reinforce it with a spiritual ego. Do what is necessary.

September 14, 2020 Today I woke up early and could not get to sleep. The melatonin still did not change this result. I tried letting go of judgements which I did successfully at first, but they slowly crept back throughout my work day at Kroger. When I got back home, I attempted to apply for my chess job, but I needed to move to NYC. I am unable to get this job and I can't find any other places with jobs as a chess teacher. They might be more common in other countries, but this is a rare job that I would love to do. I like to improve the overall trajectory of a person's life through teaching chess. It is not just about being a good chess player and winning tournaments, although I can help you do that with enough training. I derive a deeper happiness from understanding that I gave a child all of my knowledge and understanding in order to help them pursue their dream of becoming a master. It is like the love a parent feels for a child except I don't care if you are genetically similar to me or not. I started feeling better and better as the day went on. Eventually my racing thoughts came back and I struggled to meditate. I did manage to meditate a little bit before starting work, but this was only about 20 minutes total. On my days off I can take my pilgrimage to the hiking trails for two hours. I sat downstairs with my family. I could have continued the life purpose course, but my jumpy mind made me forget. I can do a couple in the morning. As I say downstairs, I read the news to may family about NYC. Mom looked at me like I was crazy. I told them that I felt that it would be difficult to convince my family to let me move. Granny said that that is going to be the hardest part. Anyway, I am not moving. I knew it was a long shot. I continued sitting down there as my sister and mother argued about political correctness. I was able to see the partial truths in both perspectives. I tried to explain that these issues are complicated and can get very grey, like if one person likes being called black, but another African American. They also argued about systemic racism, so I showed them the quotes from the blog on this site as proof of systemic racism. The family got heated when mom said the n word aloud. Mom then told me about how we used to have white slaves in America. My sister told me not to trust her and do my own research. I have been practicing mental flexibility with spiritual teachers, and I applied to mom making claims about white slaves. I neither believed not disbelieved her. I listened to her perspective and with an open mind I considered the possibility. I then proceeded to do some research into white slavery. I discovered that there were white slaves before we officially became a country, but we switched to black slaves later on. Eventually, all the white slaves does and there were only black slaves. I did not draw any conclusions from the information in regards to modern systemic racism, but in case you did not know there used to be white slaves in this area. One drawback of facts like these is that they implicitly reinforce our modern racist worldviews such as blacks commit more violent crimes then whites, thus police force against them is justified. This can be hard to explain to some people who say "we are just discussing facts" unaware of what they are doing in the big picture. The issue then drifted to take culture. The argument became more and more heated. Granny and I agreed that this was going nowhere and we are making ourselves more upset. As they fought, I discussed several interesting points with granny. She finds spiral dynamics and ego development interesting for explaining our value systems. One point is that Peterson touched on sexual impropriety. He thinks that our society is not mature enough to discuss this issue. He believes that sexual impropriety is an underlying issue of abortion. Using this idea, I expanded to include issues like rape culture, LGBTQ rights, and our sloppy distinctions between rape, sexual assault, and sexual harassment. We also discussed how people underestimate how complex these issues are and our perspectives are easily over generalized. This is how there can be partial validity to contrary perspectives, but these issues can get grey and difficult. We also discussed how people get very heated and ideological when it comes to gender issues like what happened at Nanny's house. Granny agreed that our society is not mature enough to discuss sexual impropriety as mom and my sister continued to fight about rape culture. The fight was not going anywhere, but I can have interesting discussions with my grandma as we compare today's politics to when she was a child. Try to calm your mind down. You have a ton of energy now that your cold is gone. My energy is through the roof, but I need to sleep. Good luck.

September 13, 2020 I spent a lot of the day in bed, but eventually I got jumpy. I did some running around until I meditated for about three hours. I am happy with what happens in deep meditation and I feel okay in spite of waking up at 2 in the morning. I continued with my life purpose course and I contemplated what do I want. I recognized that one of my questions was "How do I exist?". This is what lead me to meditation and contemplation. Maybe I could get a philosophy major, but I am still not clear on my vision. I am about half way through the first section. I then contemplated more deeply until I figured out why debating makes me feel dirty. No matter my position on any issue, religious, political, philosophical, ect., I still have a sinking feeling that I am hurting mankind. All of my judgements and criticisms are against my values. I felt worse about myself for judging terrorists and any other human being. My society taught me to be opinionated in politics, but I don't have to have an opinion. I am making a commitment to not judge anybody for any action whatsoever. True and false, good and bad, are concepts which imply opposites. Silence does not imply opposites like language does. I will keep meditating. My thoughts are slowing down and it is like peace comes from me. I would like to mention that My chess job is looking less and less likely. It makes me unsure about my alternatives for achieving financial independence, a job or career I like, and so forth. I am not satisfied with the default and I will make an alternative somehow. My search for my strengths continues. I have a limiting belief that I am too wierd to fit in uniquely to any one field. This could hold me back from finding my life purpose so I need to address this. Weird is good in terms of my unique way of thinking. Words cannot express how I feel for you.

September 12, 2020 I started off with a small cold that gradually got worse throughout the day. If the cold continues I may need to call a doctor. I ended up being less productive because I struggled to get out of bed. I was okay going into work, but it kept getting worse. I did not do much for the life purpose course or job searching. I might do that today, because I want a better job. I'm still sick this morning. Get well soon.

September 11, 2020 I was off work again. I did not sleep well because I kept waking up. I tried meditation, but I did not feel that I did good enough. I was constantly wavering and getting distracted. I still did the best I could. My sore throat was also bothering me throughout the day. It affected how much water I drank, not that it helped. Tylenol does not work for me. I still managed to continue the life purpose course. There is no way you can finish it in 50 days of you take your time and do it properly. I did more research into the chess job. Granny helped me find the resume which was for some reason on her computer. I did not edit it in two years, but I needed the format to help me out. I can finish my application for chess online tomorrow. In my self reflection I discovered that one of my most damaging beliefs is that a thing in reality is evil or bad. This makes me feel like I am unworthy of love when I remember all of my regrettable decisions. This belief is designed to make me feel worse about myself and create suffering. I this create a worse life than I need to and I have a lot to gain by undoing this idea that I am bad. A truer thought is that everything is good because everything is doing the best it can if that is what it is. I also contemplated deeply into the nature of opposites. I concluded that all thinking is relative to something else. I was seeking to understand that which has no opposite. It looked like opposites do not exist and they are imagined. I am not totally done, but I am capable of becoming conscious of that which has no opposite. I then did research and I encountered metaphysics. There was an ancient philosopher who felt like me. I seek truth because I feel like the opposites are at war and I am torn apart in the inside. Philosophers that came later said that reality is constant flux, but always the same. It talked about absolute unity and sameness vs. Difference like Leo did. I am interested in some of these alternatives to being at war. I am trying to become conscious of good and truth without opposites such that there is no opposite of opposite. I will probably take some philosophy courses of and when I go back to college. Meaninglessness is a vehicle for good in that it lets go of concept and imagination. One day I will become conscious of what is being sought. I think I will take the video of the 30 facets of awakening and contemplate one every day for a month. Apparently it is possible to become conscious of God within a month. Love has no opposite. I love you is relative love.

There are many people who could benefit from understanding politics on a deeper level. This includes spiral dynamics, ego development, the world values survey, and other useful models found on actualized.org. Many people don't know about these models, but we can use other political forums to reach them. The issue I am drawn to a lot is abortion because the fallacy of the heap implicates that all dualities are imaginary and relative. This includes the one true femto second at which abortion becomes murder. All of these positions are arbitrary and I think I can help people to let go of trying to objectify groundless positions. This gets people sucked into ideology and it gets harder to make progress in these complicated issues. I started a discussion on the following site. It is free to start an account of you want to. https://www.debatepolitics.com/forum.php In the abortion section I have a discussion about the fallacy of the heap if you want more people to learn about it. I think if there were many more people on other political forums discussing some of the models found on actualized.org, it would help more people to engage in politics on a higher level. It is hard to encourage people to do this because the lectures are long, but if we show the other sites how we apply the models for real practical benefits, they might look into it.

September 10, 2020 I did not continue the life purpose course in this day off, but I did a few other things. I walked up to the hiking trail and stayed in the woods for about 2 hours. I did not sit and meditate the whole time, but I did for a while. I had a very persistent spider who was just dead set on crawling on my face. It would just not go away. Eventually I sat on some rocks and my meditation is different out in nature. If I continue doing that as much as I can then I am starting to set up a decent habit. It is the days on which I work that I am concerned about. This is when I have the most fluctuations in my degrees of consciousness. My emotions can just turn into a bit of a roller coaster. I don't like my job, but it is still hard to get a good alternative. I am now thinking about archeology. My dad said he wanted to do that and I have similar motives. I want to travel and constantly learn so my mind is not numbed. New cultures can help open my mind which can help for self understanding and spirituality. I also wanted to be an explorer, but my mom told me that the entire earth has already been explored. This steered me away from exploration. I still want to see these things myself. The challenge is to set up my life such that I can travel more. I need enough independence to get on a plane for a week once or twice a year so I can go to another country. If I had an entire month off, I might try the meditation retreats. I could be searching for countries with psychedelics though to. I just really want to know. Next to I went to my grandma's house. I played some star wars and went swimming just before it started raining. I want to tell you that the clone army just sucks so badly. It is seriously hard for me to compensate for how bad the army is even with reinforcements. I had to redo yoda's planet, and I won by the smallest of margins on other planets. I think the enhanced blasters are better for gaining control of the map. This bonus is there the entire time and I don't really get to overwhelm the enemy with another garrison because I get limited units on the map. I had my brother play some parts of it as well. The most interesting fight was one I nearly lost in spite of putting in so much effort to kill large numbers of droids on my own. In the end it came down to the wire with 4 vs. 4 in spite of my extra garrison. I ended up killing over forty droids on my own, but my men were dropping like flies. Finally, I captured all the command posts in order to win on time. The droids were just about to take a post back, but it was too late. I had a lot of tense fights as I pushed through hoards of droids on my own. My men were standing in bunches blowing themselves up with their own grenades. The computer does not understand that spreading our is a necessary and good war strategy so you don't get everybody killed, but it was also a crowded board with many narrow hallways. Tough call on what to do with the clones. We have been having some power surges over here, and I hope the road work gets finished soon. It looks like it is getting better. Anyway, I will keep up my reflection to understand self and love. I need to sleep on a lot of things I contemplated and there is still many more things to read an review on actualized.org. Something is there which cannot be spoken or thought.

@Yog I reviewed the video on ideology. The trap I keep falling into is making an anti-ideology ideology. I never actually feel happy throughout the entire process of debating for a view point. I have removed the site from my bookmarks, and I might delete my account once I figure out how. Anyway, they told me that abortion was just a stalking horse and actually the fallacy of the heap is irrelevant to most people in this issue. Here is one thing that made me feel torn. On one hand, I could actually be doing good for somebody if they don't know about the kernel of truth within the ideology created. Because I felt that people might be helped by it, I started spreading the word, same with the psychological models. In the process I still feel dirty, but I am not clear on any other way to affect millions of people without spreading an ideology. Ideology is the short cut to doing it, but it limits me to one perspective as I constantly fear that I am wrong no matter what the content of my position. There is some impatience in helping mankind, so I will correct for that. Finally, how else to we affect millions of people without ideology? What is the alternative to what I just did? I am moving toward stay away from politics, but I don't think that works.