trenton

October 13, 2020 I did pretty good today. I finished chapter 3 and slept a little better than the past two nights. I still feel behind on chapter 4. I will have to work a fair by to get caught up for the rest of the week. I also plan to spend the night at my grandma's house. I can take my papers with me. I wonder how much I can possibly get done. I did a lot of work on self reflection and the self actualization. I watched the consequences of my judgements and I saw how they backfire on themselves and make me worse. I discovered many important things about myself in my writing and speaking to myself. In the process I managed to become aware of my own projections. I can only keep up my devilry if I am unaware or I ignore how I am hurting myself. My projections include Trump, religion, and my mom. I think my sister actually does have a lot of negative thinking like me. She focuses on the negatives a lot. I am not doing this because I want to say she is somehow worse than me because judgement bites. I am doing this because I want to make life easier for both of us. My projections are related to things I do not like about myself. My denial is lying. So long as I do not accept where I stand, I will leave myself stuck. I had resistance, but it is going away. I like self love because it allows me to stop lying about myself. I want to live a happy existence. It is a little painful to be aware of my projections, but I like the expanded awareness. It does a lot for building a good life. On one side note I had some point had faith that consciousness would be good for me because I was too unconscious to see the difference. That includes now if I can't see above me. When I left the woods today I started explaining how I was doing to other people. I needed a second to formulate my answer, but I told them about how acceptance helps me to not lie to myself and projection is a manifestation of my unconscious self deception. I don't think anybody understood me, but at least I answered the question "How are you" accurately. I then proceeded to continue the exercise from the life purpose course. I am still stuck because I am indecisive on determining what I want to do. I seem to have some form of OCD with jumping back and forth between answers and not trusting my intuition. I need to have a more clear mind in order to be as authentic as possible. This is a clue to what makes me happy. Have a nice night.

October 12, 2020 I still did not sleep well. I need to get off soon. Throughout the day I had some intense thinking. My thoughts were racing and completely irrational. I don't know what to do when my mind flies off the wire. So far it looks like talking to a professional is my best bet. Granny refused the money for the book I was writing. I still will continue this goal of one chapter a week. I'm just tired today though. I was not very productive today. I see how my evaluation of my values is changing. I want to get a solid grasp of this, but I have a lot of negative values guiding my decisions. I tried working on positive thinking after failing to get a nap. This is when it started getting interesting. I did some self reflection and I don't need to tell you about it because external validation never works for me. In this case I am okay on the inside, and I can choose to tell you. It came up for me that I am creating what is true. This is how all worldviews are relative, but I also lie to create its trueness. The way reality works is weird, paradoxical and twisted. I am confused on how to adjust to this weirdness, but when I do, I can apply the wisdom to my entire life. The challenge is that all wisdom depends on the frame of reference and can not be made permanent. If I try to make an insight permanent, it will eventually fall apart and did anyway such that it is no longer true. This means I can't really rely on any self created rulebook I try to make in order to make sense of reality. That may include what I just said. I find more joy in self reflection than I do in judging others. I wish for you to improve your physical health and recognize the backfiring mechanism of saying I want to sleep. I do all of this as an expression of self love.

@silene I do plan to see a someone about this. I can also get back to the fruit smoothies pretty soon as that and push ups through the day would probably help more than just walking or running. Thanks for the thought.

October 11, 2020 I did not sleep at all last night. I then worked 8 hours and was exhausted when I got back home. Next I was unable to get all the rest I wanted and I lost the rest of the day. I think if I use the lunch breaks, then I will not exhaust myself to the point that I lose the value of the rest of the day. This is something worth considering. I had a lot of racing thoughts all day. It ultimately lead to me crying because I realized how much I hurt myself through compromising what makes me happy for other people. This is self sacrificing and it is the guiding toxic value that leads me to scenarios I don't like. I end up ignoring my intuition and I want to listen to myself more. I want to know who I would be without the self sacrificing. I understand it is a tall order and I inflicted a lot of suffering. I want to know what it would be like to live self actualized. I don't want to destroy myself. You are always good and trying your best. I want you to live in peace.

October 10, 2020 Today I needed up. I continued to be a good employee by taking extra hours when ever the managers ask. I then lost my plans of typing my book, and I lost a one hundred dollar bet as a consequence of being a workaholic for a job I don't like anyway. I ultimately am losing money. I don't want to do this anymore, and I will stick to my plans when I make them. I am ultimately glad that I made this bet to keep me focused on something I love more. Apart from that, I managed to fit in a quick meditation this morning. I had plans to do more after work, but I compromised and starved myself in the process. Finally, I contemplated humility. I checked how arrogance backfires and I clarified many of my problems. In chess if I get cocky, it backfires. In spirituality, if I am humble then spiritual ego will not be a problem for me. I had a long contemplation about this for nearly 2 hours just writing about humility. I had some long answers that I will simplify here. Arrogance sets me up for self deception and reduces my peace of mind because of the deep discomfort associated with the sense of superiority. I would thus be far happier if I let go of self serving judgemental thinking, and my growth would be far greater without the glass ceiling created through arrogance and self deception. This kind of contemplation helps me to stop lying. In the long run you can learn a lot more with humility. I had some ups and downs today, but I see that I am doing well in the long run. Good job.

October 9, 2020 I had a day off work today and spent it pretty well. I made it to the doctor in time for the appointment. There were no negative side effects of the medication I have been taking, but I have seen less intensity with the anxiety. I remember my grandma said it messed up dad, and my sister said it is addicting. So far it seems okay, and I will take it as instructed with the increased dose. I will be paying attention to the effects it has on me. The doctor also said that stepping up the meditation is probably helping as well. There are still some sleep disturbances like waking up early. Since my sleep improved a little the first time, he thinks it might improve more. So far everything seems okay. I continued self reflection and meditation in the woods. I did not sit still as much this time because I needed to go to the bathroom. I did not have a good spot to go this time, but I am noticeably worse when I don't go. It is because of the increased bodily tension. I also discovered Hunter cameras on the trees. I don't know If they still work or not because they look old. I then continued with journaling, life purpose, and book writing. I am keeping up on the bet and I did about 5 pages today. I think the life purpose course is very helpful for learning about yourself. I had some bad experiences in which I broke integrity and it leads to a lot of lying and fighting. I would like emotional stability and self acceptance regardless of my life situation. I also have been paying attention to my thinking about truth. It occurs in a way designed to cause more harm than help. It is stubborn if it is insisted to be true and I had a hard time dealing with these thoughts. One thing I am questioning is why must these thoughts be repeated? I don't need them and I would be more peaceful without drilling pain into my memory and psyche. I need an improved approach for these true thoughts and memories. "True" is the most painful part. It claims to be designed against self deception, but actually it is creating more suffering by using true to hurt me. If the thoughts no longer represent me, then they are not true for me anymore and I don't need them. I wish to allow myself to grow my inner strength in this process by overcoming my childhood trauma and guilt. I seem to have had a decently productive day. I'm glad that I got some stuff done. Keep up the good work.

October 8, 2020 Today I am falling behind on the book because I did more on the life purpose and I had an 8 hour work day. I spent the day leading up to the night shift self reflecting about my life purpose, limiting beliefs, and meaninglessness. This one is hard for me and I want to resolve it in a way that works for me. I spent about an hour in the woods by my meditation spot. There were some dear running around, but they were no problem. I continued some self reflection before work at the cafe outside alone. While at work I had many thoughts about my plans of psychedelics. I also had plans of counseling to discuss many emotional issues and to use the resources available to me first. This is my plan for seeking the truth. The day at work was pretty repetitive. I also have a fear of being in situations beyond my control. This inflated sense of responsibility does make me feel worse about myself sometimes because it is not completely true from my point of view. I feel better when I stop telling myself I am in control of my thoughts and the outcomes I experience. Keep up your work. See your doctor. And remember the book. Good job.

October 7, 2020 For the most part this day was a similar pattern. The only major differences were that I shaved my beard and played some Tetris. I typed a day in the book. I am grateful that the bet I made with my grandma is keeping me up on the book so I don't forget. I have a long way to go and it is slow progress. At least I have made a good set up to ensure that progress is happening. I continued the meditation habit before going into work today. I want to handle my inner laughter from a more mature stand point. I don't want to actively create more suffering which includes the suicide game. Usually I say it simply isn't true. If I want to become a more conscious human being, then I don't want to play these games. I want to find the best way to carry myself. I can't imagine how much better my life would be if I never actively created any of my suffering. It would be peaceful, but I would enable myself to make a more powerful impact on the world. Inner mastery thus leads to outer mastery., I did not continue the life purpose course today. I still need to make sure I am doing well in this front. I am making interesting progress, but I am not done. Continue your process and build yourself anew.

October 6, 2020 I did some interesting work today. I still did not research the companies for autism. I started with my meditation habit again. I tried staring at the cup and closing my eyes. I did so for about 30 minutes before writing. I did not do this as effectively as before, but I am trying to find what affects me. It might be eating cereal instead of a fruit smoothie. My body comfort also affects it which is a reason to look for a massage. I then typed a little more of my book. I am going through some boring parts. The final copy might have boring parts edited out. The only reason to keep them is to understand how people with autism think when they are bored. Sometimes it ends up being hilarious anyway. Similar to meta ethics I can ask why is boredom boring. This creates an interesting problem to solve as I carefully observe the nature of boredom to understand it. The paradox is that boredom becomes fascinating. I then continued the life purpose course. I found some interesting connections in my self reflection as I attempted the exercises. I shared what I learned about myself from the exercise and career tests with my grandma. She is happy to see more clarity with what I want. There are commonalities in the values, but I need to find the medium I want to use. I have some similarities to business, but this is not the method I want. One interesting point in epistemology is understanding how psychology affects our conclusions. I like discovering new thinking methods and learning various methods of understanding reality. I wonder how far I can take this when learning about many perspectives without getting too attached to my own. I ended up wasting some time on YouTube again. Apart from that, I noticed that my mind easily gets hooked on political ideology. This is especially true if it is about Trump being hilariously stupid. This is a source of corruption so I need to do something about that. I also learned that one of my most anxiety provoking thoughts is that I must control my thoughts. I get a lot of conflicting information as to whether or not I control my thoughts. When I am absorbed in them it looks like I am creating them. I can also put conscious effort into relaxing the mind so my thoughts flow and let go of me. Maybe I don't control my thoughts, but I'm not sure. I am on the right track and right where I need to be at this time.

October 4-5, 2020 I have not been typing as much lately. I did have work yesterday and I have been forgetting about this journal because I am so focused on everything else I've been doing. I found some organizations that are trying to make use of the talents of people with autism. I did not apply for any yet because I was continuing my life purpose course, meditation habit, self reflection, and other things. I also completed a career test to see what it said about my personality. I don't know how useful it is, but I will share it with my grandma to see what she thinks. Upon deeper self reflection it came up that I don't care about God and spirituality. I actually care about avoiding self generated suffering. I therefore wish I care about such great things that I think are good, but I don't care. It was painful but liberating. I also noticed that I am still always good ultimately. I do what is good in the moment given a frame of reference. I am only evil from other points of view. The structure of my thinking is changing. The way in which my thoughts and emotions are handled is changing. I still don't know if actualized.org is delusional or not, but I am getting benefits from doing the practices. I may remain agnostic for now, but I will keep the benefits of the practices I set up. I am doing well with the life purpose course. I am optimistic about how the structure of my thinking is changing.

October 3, 2020 Today I needed to work for 8 hours. I confused my hours and thought this was a four hour day. I did not take as much food, but I was okay. I managed to squeeze in a short meditation after work anyway. I followed this with writing about my greatest fears. It boiled up that I will probably have to major in business by going back to college. If my personality tests were any indicator, and my values are pointers, then it looks like it is one of my better tries along side personal development. I don't see the alternative to going back to college in an effort to get a better job than I have now. I still have writing to do because I like it. I finished the third chapter. There are some boring days, so I might have to shorten the book at some point. If writing is my alternative to business, then my most obvious choice is to keep up the bet I have going. Granny thinks I'm doing a lot. She sees me working with doctors. I plan to work with career counselors. I am going to see a psychiatrist to address the occasional depression that boils up and is associated with suicidal thoughts. I am also working on the life purpose course, meditating, journaling, and keeping up with the job. I also plan to get a massage still because it might improve the quality of my consciousness. She is aware of the book as well. I am glad that she is taking notice that I am trying. I don't want to keep stealing money from her because I can't live on my own. The reason business came up is because I don't want to be stuck in analysis paralysis. I am listening to my gut. I will continue the life purpose course to learn more about myself. I made some progress, but still have more to do. Keep up the good work. What ever needs to come up, I welcome it. I want to feel you and hear what you truly think.

October 2 2020 Sorry I didn't post for the past few days. I had a strange work schedule that kept me out until 11. I finished the extra contemplation exercises for the life purpose course. I discovered that one of the reasons I am not happy with external validation is because it is against independent thinking. I want a job or career that gives me the ability to express my creativity. Business and entrepreneurship seem to be done decent bets for me if I knew what kind of business and how. Meanwhile my chess is slipping and I am not playing as well as I used to. I noticed that my favorite games are ones in which I created a state of flow by going into something completely new. I play the same games over and over and go on auto pilot. Independent thinking is encouraged in board games just like creativity. This is one of my favorite things about chess. If I could find careers like this, it would be nice. I continued my meditation and did pretty well. I stayed in place for an hour, but I started getting cold. I am getting better at this and feeling myself more deeply. I can see real benefits from doing this. It is my key to self knowledge. I am entertaining the idea of getting a full body massage. I have a lot of bodily tension and it will probably be very painful. I am looking over the mountain. If I can withstand the pain which I should not underestimate, it might lead to improved bodily awareness. This can translate into self knowledge and consciousness if I do. I also go to the doctor's office next week. I have stayed in my mission with the book and I have almost finished chapter 3 just in time for the end of the week. This is actually a short chapter so I still need to step it up for next week. I noticed that I thought a lot about religion back when I was in school. I became painfully aware of self generated suffering and self deception, but I struggled to overcome it somehow. I also had "living up to my potential" in my head when I was in high school. This was actually unhealthy and did not help. It worsened my sleep. Finally, I was struggling with suicidal thoughts which I made more powerful by fearing that I would act on them. I never believed the thoughts because I knew deep down that I was lying to myself again, but I still didn't know what to do about it. To other people I would have seemed crazy if I tried to explain what I was going through. I'm glad I was drawn to this site and spirituality.

I have a ton of potential, but it is seriously being missed by my sleeping issues. Sometimes when I go to bed I wake up after only 3 hours and can't get back to sleep. This has happened on certain days with other days being fine. One observation is that I occasionally have a hard time breathing and I suck in air harshly and quickly. I will bring this up with my doctor when I see him next month. I have a fan in my room which I can't tell if it helps more or hurts more. Sometimes all of my methods for getting to sleep are ineffective. This includes melatonin, shower before bed, and occasionally warm milk with a pretty consistent sleep schedule. This time I lost an entire day of productivity because of my poor sleep. I failed to push through this day productively in order to move me closer to my life purpose. How would you cope with days after sleepless nights? Do you have any ideas for solving these disturbances? Thank you.

September 30, 2020 Today was interesting. I had a day off but did not continue the meditation. Early in the day I did a little bit of writing about life purpose. I was looking for more powerful reasons to play chess and write books. I still have a couple more questions before I continue the course. I then proceeded to type more of the book. I did not type that much, but I noticed a pattern in my thinking. All the way back in high school I started thinking more and more about religion as well as accomplishing something important with my life. These thoughts created a lot of inner tension and it does not feel true to talk to myself like that. I do see how I was struggling with a lot of inner wars because I was trying not to be self deceived. Eventually, a lot of my stressful thoughts and my painful awareness of self deception made it harder and harder for me to be interested in college. I got a degree anyway. I needed to get ready to go to the dentist. I had a bunch of cavities to fix. My face was numb afterwards and I stayed in bed most of the day afterwards. My face still hurts a little, but it should continue getting better. Next I have another doctor appointment followed by a counselor. Finally, I did further self reflection and tried to feel more deeply. I paid attention to how I was avoiding groundlessness through creating inner wars. I noticed the twisted pleasure i get from creating suffering and judging other people. I would like to give up my judgements concerning politics and religion because I ultimately make myself feel worse even though I have initial good feelings of superiority. I am starting to feel less clouded with fewer wars. Find inner peace. Feel more deeply and expand your consciousness.

September 29, 2020 On this day off I spent several hours typing my book. There are some interesting, some boring, and some hilarious parts. The most hilarious part is when I explain my strategies for making friends. It includes memorizing jokes to look original and funny, but also admitting that I am using these strategies because I am trying to make friends. This is the most hilarious part. I tried meditation in the woods, but my mind did not sit still. There were a lot of thoughts concerning God again. I think that my thinking is counter productive in that I am creating more ideologies which I don't really know are true. So long as I am spinning more stories, I am not really fulfilled because of the happiness associated with attachment to the thinking which is my deep discomfort. I watched the new actualized video and I did get a lot of useful information. I was able to feel more deeply as I listened to it and thought about the various things I could be introspecting about. Some of my bodily tension was released as I let go of certain beliefs. There are many things I fear are false, but doing to because I fear they are true. This creates a split psyche that could be made healthier through not knowing. I finished the last concept for the life purpose course, and I am Finally ready to move into the practical part. After I contemplate a few more topics I should be ready to start some of the exercises. I have been having fun with writing and it might give me a shot at financial independence. This work also makes me far happier than debating people on forums and playing worldviews in my head over and over even though I don't know that they are true. My authentic self does not want to participate in these debates because I constantly feel dirty as I act like I know things. Inner peace is much more joyful, but thinking is addicting. I just need to recognize when the very act of thinking is creating the partiality that ultimately falls apart as a perspective. I would like to know what it is like to live a life with silence and inner peace. I am currently attached to thinking because I think my thinking is important. I don't think I need it to the extent that I think I need it. How do I know which of my thoughts about thinking is right? Anyway, I wonder what would happen if I lived in my direct experience. All that is left is direct experience without concepts.

September 28, 2020 Today I worked for nearly 8 hours and did not continue the book. I managed to fit in about 30 minutes of meditation though. Luckily, I have two days off and I can get more than caught up soon. I am also trying to understand how to stop all inner wars with myself. The paradox is that this to creates an inner war. I eventually found it more effective to feel fear more deeply at which point it just vanished. I also think that concerning myself with things beyond my control is not the way I should go. I constantly run into a paradox in which focusing on the fact that I should not focus on something causes me to focus on it. Feeling more deeply seems to be the most effective. I will need to seriously train myself to focus on what I want rather than what I don't want. All I end up doing otherwise is eliminate all possible options. I might use a rubber band for this. There is a struggle to live by a higher conscious. I wish I could find a much less painful way so I would stop these great fluctuations. I tend to be in the most pain when I am at work. Good luck.

September 27, 2020 I started off meditating in the woods. I did not focus very well this time because I forgot to take my mask with me. This would have allowed me to go in a nearby restaurant to go to the bathroom. I heard people's voices out in the distance and I didn't want them to catch me with my pants down. I spent a lot of the day typing my book. I was laughing pretty hard at what I have for chapter 2 when I finished it. At the end of this chapter a girl asks if I want to be her boyfriend. I still need to finish chapter three by the end of the week or I owe granny 100 dollars. I also spent a lot of time running around outside. I realized that this is another defense mechanism which substitutes the thrill of jogging for doing something important. The time spent not doing the book was several hours wasted. If I break the YouTube habit which was already reduced then I will waste less time. I watched the videos on a faster speed so I waste less time. I am not going to turn this 100 dollar bet into procrastination. I don't know what I will do with myself if that happens. I counted the pages. If I type about five pages a day, then that should be enough to hold. Maybe I should type two days of the book every day. This would give me enough space to ensure my safety. I have to work tomorrow, so I need to be careful with how I manage my time. Maybe it would be better to meditate on the back yard for a while because the walk might lose a lot of time for the book. I did not do the life purpose today. I will do one episode before I shower and prepare for bed. No screens after 9. Do what you need to do and give yourself a shot at financial independence by becoming a writer.

September 26, 2020 Today was one of the days in which I slept well. The night prior I managed to silence my mind more than usual. My mind races when psychological drama bubbles to the surface and I face it. I think the meditation is helping me to more easily let the stressful things pass. I started off with work at 7. I slept more easily as my mind became more adept at dealing with resistance. I think typing the book also helps. Anyway I did fine at work, but the managers keep emphasizing the importance of greeting the customers. The cashier thinks it is weird as well. After work I meditated in the woods more effectively. I stayed in the same spot for about an hour and half. I also made a rock bed which I managed to make comfortable enough to lay on. The flies were all over my legs for some reason. I did not feel like swating them so I just let them stay. Later in the day some psychological things started bubbling up again. A judgement I made a long time ago is that I viewed ideologues as slaves to ideology. This applies to religion and it seems tragic, but this creates more suffering. I also entertained the possibility that I am still a slave to various ideologies with different content. I tried to work through some of these background psychological hang ups by feeling resistance carefully and noticing when I have designed suffering. It is tricky, but I can allow this to melt away through awareness. As these psychological problems come up they can lead to racing thoughts, so it is good to know the patterns I have. I then listened to an audio book which elaborated on this issue. I need to be less forceful in changing myself because I don't want to feed ego in the process of self reflection. My softer approach works and increasing my awareness helps me to ease my internal wars which make me unclear about my life direction. Another psychological problem then bubbled up relating to life purpose. Should I be a chess master? A writer? Something else? How will I get financial independence? How does spirituality for into all of this? I felt lost again. I need to ask not only what to do, but why do I want to do it. I remember a while back I was fearful of having no direction at all. I attempted to fix this by pouring a lot of effort into chess which became unhealthy and ultimately takes the fun out of it. My why for writing and spirituality is self understanding. Writing also may help a little bit with financial independence if I get some money off of it. Truth might alter my entire view on life. This could change my entire way of thinking about life purpose. Why choose anything other than truth? I watched a couple of episodes of the life purpose course and I am almost done with the long section. I also can't afford to waste time on YouTube because I made a bet with my grandma. I will owe her 100$ every week in which I fail to write a chapter of my book. My sister was at first a bay sayer, but then felt the need to one up me by paying 5 dollars for rent. I feel that I am stealing from my family by not becoming financially independent. I am mooching off of them all the time and constantly penny pinching. I make less money then them, but still I need to figure something out. I have a few things to do, but it is nothing I can't handle. I need a way to stop this guilt from money problems as I change my present life situation. Maybe being a published author will help. I am Love.

September 25, 2020 I had poor sleep which lead me to laying in bed a lot. I wasted a lot of time in mindless entertainment which did not fulfill me. I tried getting a nap to no avail. I ended up going to the woods early, but I did not stay as long because I got hungry faster than usual. The cereal did nothing for me. Anyway, while in the woods I meditated and contemplated reality bubbles. I wondered what would happen if I popped all of the reality bubbles of which reality is made. Somewhere along the line my gradual enlightenment experiences brought me to an experience of no self. I wrote about how being absorbed in myself is designed to feed suffering through various methods. This includes over thinking, stirring emotions, judgements of myself and others, and more. My sense of self was used to create a lot of needless suffering. I fought with this a lot in the past, but this only feeds the ego. Finally a lot of suffering stopped and my mind quieted down. Thoughts still happen, but I am less self absorbed and not hating myself because it is addicting. These retreats to the woods helped a lot. I continued typing my book. I intended to continue the life purpose course, but forgot about it because I was busy wasting time earlier. I typed a lot of hilarious things in that book. I did not finish an entire chapter because the library did not let me stay more than an hour for COVID. I typed some at home as well. I also noticed yesterday that I wasted a lot of time in this forum. I am being more mindful of my time as I type this. Sleep well. I am grateful that you have the ability to ride above your drama.

September 24, 2020 I started off this morning with a hiking trip. I looked at some places that were off the main trail. I eventually found a way to get to that old house that I could not remember how I found. While in the woods I wrote about competitive spirit. It is a source of a lot of self judgement and it leads to a lot of falsehood of I think I need to be better than everybody else. It may contribute to bodily tension. I continued scanning my body, trying to release some tension. When I went back home, I practiced reducing my sugar intake just a little. I ultimately forgot to take my pills today and did not notice much of a difference. I continued the life purpose course after watching Dragon ball z. I learned about a critical concept. this concept is a game changer, but I can't tell you what it is unfortunately. I watched a long video going into detail about this concept. I would love to tell you more but I can't. It finally dawned on me that I needed to move away from the inauthentic truth seeking to writing my book. I started my YouTube habit to help me avoid doing what I love. I don't want to deny myself everything I am capable of by getting caught up in so many petty fights I get into because I am not doing what I want. I typed a couple of days in my book, and I plan to get back on track with it. Your life purpose has been under your nose the whole time. You have been finding excuse after excuse and distraction after distraction to stop you. This is the source of your misery. I am capable of much greater degrees of self love, and it does not need to come from spirituality. All of your drama is self imposed and designed to make your life worse. I have an equal amount of power to stop all of it and shift it in the opposite direction. This will end all my inner wars, created to make me self absorbed rather than self reflective. Your objective is to become a published author, and you have gotten lost. It is time to end your games. I turn actualized into an ideology because personal development is part of the game I am playing to stop me from typing the book. Conquer yourself and rise above everything that came before.

September 23, 2020 I continued with the same agenda, adjusting for the work schedule. I started off listening to the life purpose course and continuing the audio book. I am remembering how long it took me to Finally start listening to those, but there is just too much information you are missing without them. They can help you a lot. I did not need to work until later in the day, so I left 3 hours early to go to the woods. I took my apron and folded up in the lunch box. I set a timer for two hours because this time it mattered how long I was out. I went to my make shift table to write about Mind and self love. I recognized that a difficult part of my identity to change was my identity as the mind. By cutting myself off from my body, my ego was often able to manipulate spiritual truths and twist them while mixing healthy aspects with unhealthy aspects. This is how spirituality was used to slow personal development, and it is a big reason why intellectualizing can become a trap to prevent change. Examples. 1. I have been isolating myself constantly from other people. This contributes to awkward social behavior. My former behavior was justified by the idea that I am supposed to isolate myself. I could tell this was false, and I have taken steps to correct it. I can still be more open to people and speak to them in a way they can understand. This is a necessary part of truthful self expression and self acceptance regardless of their judgement. 2. By identifying with a mind in my head, I reinforced the notion that I was a smart person. This is silly because actually it is smarter not to place so much strain on your head. I did this a long time ago and it stuck. Both of these habits were developed when I was a child and I am trying to correct them. The "you are not your body" belief is thus used to limit me to the brain, increasing unhealthy body tension while locking me in the former perspective. It is possible to correct the childhood habits, but it will take work because I started developing them when I was elementary school. I would like to see this change occur. As I continued my meditation, I expanded my consciousness throughout my body. I suddenly felt a ridiculous amount of tension. This might cause sleeping problems and trouble focusing. It was seriously painful physically to sit there aware of all the tension. It filled my entire back, neck, and arms. I did not see my legs, but this would explain why I have trouble breathing sometimes. As I struggled to breath, I continued expanding my awareness through my body. I eventually got off the rocks and went to the field of grass. I rested my back and began breathing in and out. I did what I could to release this insane amount of tension. My doctor and family noticed it, but they have not found a way to correct it. I tried neck exercises, but it was not enough. My body started to feel better, but that is no where near the end. I eventually left for work and I continued scanning my body. I struggled to get passed my neck because it was painful as this tension unraveled. I know how I must continue if I want to prepare myself to take psychedelics. I may review that episode on body awareness to help correct this painful karma. I think there are some work shops about this. I could look into those at some point to see if those help. Of course I haven't forgotten about everything else though. I explored another chunk of the woods out of curiosity in the last 40 minutes. I found some human machine in the middle of the woods. No idea what its purpose is. I eventually found another exit to the woods. I could see the walking trail from up by the electric towers. I explored the rest of the area and discovered some houses, so I turned back. By the time I went back through the woods I had ten minutes before I had 1 hour to get to work. I did a lot of scouting through those woods, and I have been to a good chunk of the areas. I never encountered another human in those woods, but apparently they go back there. I see some trash to pick up, but it is mostly clean. I left for work. I tested two possible routes to get to work today. They are both uncomfortable, but it is worth it for this kind of habit being set up. As I mentioned before I had a searing pain in my neck that I was unconscious of. I then worked through the day at Kroger. I cracked a couple of jokes about how if you tell your co workers you make 11 dollars an hour, they will follow you home and throw bricks through your window. The boys will teach you a lesson for telling us how much money you make. After I got back home I did not do much else. I watched some shows and it is past my bedtime now. good night.

September 22, 2020 I had another interesting day. I started off with waking up early and not getting back to sleep. I just lay there in a daze tired. I see that I am on electronics after 9. This does not help and I should probably push this back. I left for work by 9 and I prepared to go to the woods after work. While at work I just cleaned all day. It was monotonous and boring. I am creating these negative emotions trying to move myself to get a different job. I think all of my fear is used to manipulate me. After work I purchased two apples and went to the woods. I sat and did nothing for about 2 and half hours. I did look around the fallen logs I was sitting on. I also listened and watched the deer that were running around the trees. I struggled to meditate and I was not focusing very well. My mind just kept moving and included the topic of touching of myself. I went back home to get dinner. We had dinner later than usual. I have been eating less than usual as I have been spending more time in the woods. I did not have a craving for ice cream and I did not want it. Eating less sugar should improve my sleep. I felt full with dinner and I think I have been taught to eat more than I need to eat. This habit is proving to be beneficial. I then listened to audio books and continued the life purpose course. I am getting a lot of valuable information from this combination and I make sure I keep learning while creating myself into what I would like to be. I did not spend much time with the family because I am off doing my own thing. I am also using spirituality to transform myself in such a way that I can more effectively pursue my life purpose no matter what it may be. I am seeing my mind transform in a way that gives me more inner peace while empowering me. Of course I can't ignore the problem of money and financial independence. This should not be ignored with disguised egotism. All of my thoughts are creative and I am focusing them toward a new transformation. This is my evolution toward love.

September 21, 2020 Today was a nice day. I was in the woods for about 4 hours. I found some decomposed deer and I went to the bathroom under a fallen tree. I found some better spots to meditate. I often have a hard time focusing, but the more I am out in nature the quieter my mind becomes. It is similar to my dream about that which has no opposite. I feel selfish spiritual ego in the background pretty often. I am simply labeling selfishness when I see it in a non-moralizing way. I labeled other forms of selfishness such as wanting to look smart or wise. There is also self sabotage created by being afraid of sabotaging myself. Deep down I feel I knew this was true. I can accept responsibility without falling myself evil. Instead I seek alignment with God, paradoxically recognizing that I thought that that would be a good idea. Last night I had a deeper insight into love which I had all along since I was a child. The reason we tell the truth is not for a moral reason. It is to help free ourselves from self deception. Telling the truth is you accepting yourself. If you can't tell the truth about yourself, then what do you love? I wrestled with self deception for a long time and I became very neurotic. From my point of view I was trying to love myself from a position of fear which lead to a lot of inner wars. Thank you. This makes me sad but happy. I told my grandma about what I do when I have a hard time sleeping. She said she gets it because it helps to relax me. I still did not tell a few other things, partially because I need to talk to mom alone. A lot of these things probably don't matter, but at least I can start from a good foundation when building a good life. I am stating to open up to other people because of the benefits of telling the truth. I experience fear and hesitation because I am worried about how people will judge me. I don't need to avoid acknowledging this about myself. I continued with the life purpose course and I am getting pretty decent advice. It is different from some of what Peterson told me. I also continued some audio books. One book I finished was not in the book list, but helpful anyway. There are some spiritual books I listen to that contradict what Leo said, but I try to keep an open mind, recognizing that my judgement is coming from a place of love and my desire for God. It is also fear of being wrong, and I sense some selfishness in there with this fear. I want to be right. By taking this attitude I often have a hard time not thinking of myself as better than other people, which leads to spiritual ego. There are more paradoxes I am still working with like the paradox of self acceptance. I don't want to use this in a way that I justify homeostasis, thus making it harder for me to build a better life. I feel like a snowball is building. I will keep up this meditation habit even though I struggle to focus. The environment quiets my mind anyway. To free yourself from self deception is self love when you accept yourself through truth.

I notice that my mind is taking some painful memories of me doing things that I regret and denying that they are true. When it does it makes me feel better, but I am torn. I cause myself a lot of suffering by holding these memories and the events in which I lied as true. I am insisting on labeling how my mind is lying by saying it didn't happen. I am resistant to this self deception and I am in an awkward position. I think I should tell the truth. It causes me a lot of misery to hold onto this, but I don't know what to do. How do we deal with the mind denying my memories of things that make me feel bad about myself?

September 20, 2020 This time I woke up early, but for close to sleep again. A lot of emotional trauma came up again that was other than "living up to my potential." I woke up thinking about the times I lied. My mind tried to deceive itself by saying the memories did not happen, but I don't let my mind do this. I insist that I am not crazy and I know my memories are right. I will need to discuss a lot of emotional trauma with a counselor soon. This is part of my plan for spiritual development by dissolving toxic parts of the ego without hating them. I think once I have a clear mind and I have more self-love I will more effectively detect a good life purpose. It might be harder because of the trauma. I also like the idea of self transcendence and I would like to get closer to that in the process as well. This might also make it easier to try psychedelics. I am currently not totally clear on how to deal with the self deceptive nature of the mind when it comes to memories about myself that I don't like. I think ultimately telling the truth is the best and it causes me to hold onto a lot of trauma in order to make sure I don't lie to myself. I hope a counselor can help me. I worked a short day and only stayed in the woods for 30 minutes. My meditation was off and on because I had a racing mind again. Eventually, I had to walk home to go to the cheese cake factory. I got something weird and unusual. It tasted weird and unusual. I barely finished it and I was stuffed. On the way back my sister mentioned how my approach to talking to strangers might make people uncomfortable. I don't do it with any malicious intent, I'm just curious about other people. I did make some friends doing this, but I can see my sister's point of view. She thinks I don't listen, but I see what she is worried about. She also mentioned how I laugh out loud a lot. I don't think that's a bad thing. People often wonder why it is I am so happy all the time. My grandma also got a nice lavender spray for my bed and body wash. I am grateful that she is doing whatever she can go help me sleep. I am doing whatever I can by discussing emotional trauma and preparing to speak with a counselor. Your ultimate goal is to free yourself from self deception. This is done as an act of self love, but as hate even though it can be emotionally unpleasant. Find a truthful way to deal with your problems. I can't keep from my family much longer.