trenton

November 9-10 Sorry I forgot to type a couple days. I get really tired at night now, but I still wake up early. I met with my psychologist and we talked about the line between thought and behavior. He said that I don't show signs of acting on these thoughts. He also told me about alternative activities for my destructive thoughts. I started taking free online courses and they give me new ways of thinking. I can go back to college for business in January. My objective for going to college is to help me gain financial independence to cover myself for any survival needs that could possibly limit my personal growth. I do not have a clear business plan though. I am not sure what kind of business I should make. In any case I want creative autonomy in my work. Video games might offer that. I have continued to question all of my masks and personas. I am often deeply inauthentic when operating under these masks and I can more clearly see the possibility of selflessness. All of my desires are not really musts if they are fundamentally groundless. I do not know how truth would change my life. I am also appreciative of the thoughts that often fill my mind. I recognize how they are attempting to serve my survival and by attempting to choose truth over survival in the way I have, I only become at war with myself. In this process I have let go of other masks and premises I operate under. The function of holding onto guilt is to keep me from doing something socially disadvantageous. It is still a mask. The truth would remove a lot of this suffering. If I say I care about the truth, it creates another identity. I am not very curious about metaphysics because it often looks impractical and I don't want mental masturbation. I'm still selfish and I want something that can change my life for the better. I can continue studying many courses until my mind is open enough to these possibilities. If I had enough money I would travel and try psychedelics. Cover your bases and live the best life possible.

November 8, 2020 I basically typed my daily report for my psychologist already. I can briefly go over the normal stuff and then tell you the interesting parts. I went to work at 6, forgot to take my anxiety pills, and i was fine. I went to the woods to meditate. I further contemplated my self-sacrificing mindset and I found that I had the limiting belief that I am unable to get what I want. I therefore pursue the lower level joy of helping other people get what they want at my expense. This contributes to a depressing outlook on life and leads to my fantasies about becoming a parent even though I would rather build the best possible life for myself rather than give up everything for a child to live a better life than me. My mind tells me that it is too late and I was hurt too much by my psychological problems. I am still 22, yet this is a stubborn thought that I could be much more empowered without. This mindset makes it very difficult to find my life purpose if I think that I am doomed to fail no matter what. I need a significant paradigm shift if I want to live the best life possible. This can stop a good chunk of my depressing outlook on life and relieve a ton of my inner stress and conflicts. I would love to do that because it would change a lot for me. I will continue to seek a better way of thinking as I pick myself back up. I destroy my interest in everything if I am self-sacrificing. I am ready for a better life.

November 6-7 2020 Yesterday was my birthday, I turned 22. My mind flew completely off the wire again and I was fighting with depression, hatred, and suicidal thoughts. At first I was starving for the pizza, but I started getting sick to my stomach after eating 5 pieces. I should have skipped dessert. I felt dehydrated and exhausted. I was too tired to take a shower so I went to bed immediately. All night I was fighting with depression. My sisters think I have something called "teretz" because of my sudden muscle spasms and jolts of energy. We struggled to find a reason for my destructive thoughts. I didn't sleep well at all last night in spite of the melatonin. I think the tablet makes depression worse and I keep breathing heavily. I had suicidal thoughts for ten hours in which I could have been sleeping. I am about to update my weekly report for my psychologist. The next day the destructive thoughts continued. I barely ate any breakfast and I skipped dinner. I felt like throwing up. I am still dehydrated. I don't want to keep blaming myself for all of these thoughts. It is designed to be counterproductive and it hurts. I went to the woods to meditate as I hoped to get to the root of all of this anger and destructive thinking. Eventually I remembered that anger is an inauthentic emotion of it is denial that I have been hurt. Moral anxiety became less of a problem, but the hatred did not go away. I became far more peaceful when I recognized how I was in denial that I was hurt in my efforts to be a good person. This includes the fact that I tried to craft various perspectives in case somebody found it helpful and life transforming. I helped a few people like this, but the worldviews that play over and over in my head are to maintain arguments and perspectives that are irrelevant to me. This includes all of the thoughts I have been having about religion even though I cannot get a good life from criticizing all of this. These perspectives are useless for me and they only existed to help other people who were curious. There was too much suffering that came from maintaining ideologies and perspectives and I don't want to participate in that. My anger began to subside when I acknowledged how I hurt myself in trying to be good. From a more peaceful state of mind, I Finally finished the exercises i was doing. I questioned My negative motives for values such as truth and honesty such as my fear of living in a false reality. My mood swings are making me doubt the results, but I will follow through with the course after I share my week one report with the psychologist. I have some anger in me still, but it is not as intense after the brief inner peace I experienced. Sometimes I feel like I can't understand myself and I can't stop all of this insanity that I am going through. I am not giving up. I want to get to the root cause of my psychological problems. I refuse to allow myself this kind of life. I am doing everything I can to become the best human being I can possibly be. I will sort through everything that could possibly be causing me psychological trauma. My suicidal thoughts have been going on since high school. I will never let you kill yourself.

November 5, 2020 I worked for eight hours today. I was hungry because I started work around the time I should be eating lunch. My friend helped me to get better with the cart manager while I was there. Many of my thoughts surrounded moral anxiety. I started questioning my previous coping mechanisms and I found a better way to deal thoughts I don't like. The point is simply to acknowledge curiosity. I am not really bad and I can forgive myself if I am only curious. This includes morbid, destructive, and sexual thoughts. All of it contributes to dishonesty when I don't want to tell people what I'm thinking about. This method was helpful for weakening the patterns. I also think this is related to the problematic duality of good and evil. I am constantly incomplete if good does not include evil. All masks become inauthentic if I must deny anything that makes the character seem inconsistent. I am more peaceful and happy without the extra internet. I will admit that for the end of the day, I did get bored and I used my tablet to kill one hour. I had more fun typing my book. This is especially true for chess club. Typing is extremely fun when I write about chess because I love writing and chess. I'm glad to see some progress is happening. You were always enough. I am judging myself a little for thinking I'm slow, but it works. I'm upset because of how much I suffered over all of this. I guess in hindsight it is obvious.

November 4, 2020 I continued staying off my tablet for entertainment. I am honestly a little happier now than I was before. I make myself depressed when I do that. I would like to continue what I'm doing. I also have a weekly diary for my psychologist that goes into detail about what kind of thoughts I am having. Today my thoughts were along the lines of if I really love the truth, then I need to ensure that money does not run my life as I love paycheck to paycheck as a wage slave. I want to have creative autonomy in my work and I want to be well off enough to travel and organize meditation retreats. Kroger does not let me have this autonomy and I do not get to express my creative genius. I am getting better ideas of what kind of jobs I should look for based on how I want to express myself. I'm sure being a published author will help me out a little in the process, and if I continue to cut down on depressing entertainment, then it might help me accomplish my goals. I won't let you be a bullshitter because I love you too much. Fix your psychology and do what must be done.

November 3, 2020 I had a day off work and I didn't do much. I fell back to my old habits of being on electronics all day. I push myself to learn and read because this gives me nothing concrete. I don't feel like hedonic adaptation works for me when it comes to YouTube and videogames. I did play Zelda with Charlie and we found the last heart piece. I voted for this election. Many of the candidates I left blank because I didn't know enough about them. The same goes for the unclear tax levies that didn't make sense. They looked almost identical so I didn't vote on those. I did vote for Biden though. I wasn't impressed by the two third party candidates. I told myself to be realistic and I don't know if this is what you would call conscious politics. I voted like an average American. When I think about getting off the tablet I noticed self destructive thoughts again. If this causes depression, and I am more peaceful when I minimize internet, then it makes sense for me to experiment with this. I'm going to try using internet only for this journal and my book. I have thoughts like I hate myself when I spend all day on electronics. I hope the experiment works well.

November 2, 2020 I had my first call with the doctor. The internet started acting stupid so we had to use the phone instead. We covered a lot of simple information about where I live. He asked me how I intend for these sessions to help me. I told him this was my first time in counselling ever. I sent him the 35 pages about me. I mentioned the suicidal thoughts that kept coming up. He told me to try progressive muscle relaxation and journaling about the thoughts that keep me up at night. I noticed that the more peaceful my mind the better I sleep. What ever is causing my self destructive thoughts, I am hoping that I have him enough information to work with in that essay to figure it out. I covered almost anything that could possibly be causing me psychological trauma. My grandma does not know how to begin to respond to everything I wrote for her. She needs time to write a response. Meanwhile my mom has the copy of the essay. I have some confessions in there that I never told her. I am doing my best to find whatever is causing my depression, but my mind is still conflicted. It is possible that I am hurting myself through focusing to much on truth. I am not balanced if I swing the pendulum too far in this direction, and this may only need to be a smaller part of my life. I did this because I thought it was good, but I don't want to continue to destroy myself as I have been doing for about a decade. I feel disconnected from the rest of reality. I had a short work day and I warned the management about Monday. I need to change my availability for these sessions. I am also not sure if I should hold off on the life purpose course or not yet. I have worked through a little bit for drama that clouded my vision, but if I get to the root of my psychological problems, it may change my conclusions. After work I didn't do much. I played some chess and won most of the games. A lot of the thoughts I had were about my approach to understanding truth and how my neurotic personality has corrupted the process into hurting me. I am trying to figure out if this site is hurting me and if I should stop watching these videos. My psychologist mentioned that he heard of this site. I want to know what my truest bliss is without pursuing what I think is good at my own expense as I have been doing in college. This looks like a tough time for me. I know you are doing your best and I can be thankful for that much.

November 1, 2020 I added a few more pages to my document. I could still add a few more things. A lot of stress and suicidal thoughts came up. It was related to my phobia of religion. This has been going on since I was a child, and it was never resolved. Eventually, it faded away and I became more peaceful than I was before. I am now fluctuating again as I encountered a root cause of my suicidal thoughts. I am working on being less terrified of my similarities. I will need to sleep. I also expanded in sexual anxiety when working on my paper. I filled about two pages. I need to sleep. Sorry. Love you.

October 31, 2020 I did not do much for Halloween this year because I am still working on myself. If I have one note, I think the extra sugar is affecting how I think and I don't actually control it because I was otherwise totally peaceful all day, but it suddenly became harder. I need to sleep soon. I went to work from 6 to 1 and has some tossing and turning getting to sleep, but slept well. When asked by a customer about what I would do for Halloween, I told her I had too much going on with my family to to do much this year. I ended up having a little candy, but she prayed for me and said God bless you. She is a good person. It would be insane to create a shadow out of religion like I did before if they are good. That one comment helped with my personal development so I can be thankful for that. I now have a new method by which to detect the ways in which I am full of shit and I can apply it to my sister with good results. My emotions are a sign of perceived evil even if not made explicit. It has a hotter flavor and comes with inner tension and ruminations. The issues are more complicated and I am being simple minded and selfish if I operate under the perception of evil and judge accordingly. I fragment in the process of calling people evil and acting on this premise, poisoning myself in the process. I continued my self reflection after work and more psychological trauma came up. Some of my suicidal thoughts are linked to making my life about other people at the cost of what I really want. Although it is noble to look for the best interest of all of mankind, major causes should not be the center of my life because I have very limited influence in large scale issues. Some of these destructive thoughts are a consequence of being full of shit about religion and avoiding a paradigm lock. Wow. Anyway I learned a decent amount today and I am ready to go to bed soon. I didn't do much except add a few more notes for my psychologist. I am also becoming increasingly clear about my life purpose by undoing my psychological problems and toxic programming. I have a lot of work to do on myself. You did well today. I'm proud of you.

One more inner demon came up. I call it the wolf in sheep's clothing. It is the idea that people can more easily be exploited by the "nice guy." when people don't expect that you would do wrong, it can make it tempting to get away with something. This contributes to moral anxiety and pseudo happiness when I feel pleasure from being in control and having the ability to hurt other people. I wouldn't actually gain anything outside of feeling powerful, sneaky, or clever in addition to being in control. If I let go of this possibility, I could be more peaceful because I would not be at war with my intrusive thoughts of things I would not benefit from doing. I will also include my long essay about my psychological trauma. This is how I can improve my sleep. I am getting tired now. About Me.docx

October 30, 2020 I had a dramatic day. I slept well after typing everything out and getting to the root of my emotional problems. I printed the 30 pages out and shared it with my grandma. My sister did not want to read it because it was too long, but she still wanted me to tell her about it. I told her the truth and we had a lot of emotional drama coming up. She kept interpreting what I was saying as if she was a terrible person, but I finally managed to correct this. Meanwhile, I misunderstood the situation when she came to me for money suddenly. I now have a more complete picture of what is happening and we hate each other less. She also now understands that our petty fights are only a small fraction of all of the trauma I am describing. I could add that autism contributes to depression in that I try to act in a way that prevents people from being uncomfortable, but I constantly fail and my behaviors are interpreted in a bad light. This makes me want to manipulate myself into being different but I still fail and end up hating myself. I ended up crying a lot. It is too complicated to explain everything here, so I can just post the essay next. I think I made a lot of very valuable progress in understanding what I want for my life purpose. I had a psychological blockage clouding my view and I can now see more clearly. My sleep is improving, my mind and emotions are stabilizing, and I want a form of work that allows me creative independence. I would not like politics for example because the emphasis is on control and power over others. I don't really get to express myself completely within the context of an ideology. Instead I can express myself through impartial writing and playing a game of chess. I don't need to make the convenient assumption that truth is limited to one belief system because the function of ideology is to control outcomes rather than truth for Truth's sake and is therefore corrupted. I am proud of what you did. You did not back away from your trauma and you expressed yourself honestly. I'm the long run you are making you and your family's lives better. Thank you.

October 29, 2020 Today was a good day. I began resolving more of my inner conflicts by getting to the root of my emotional problems. I woke up early again and could not get back to sleep. Eventually I started typing more of my concerns for the psychologist. The document now includes a table of contents to help him sort through everything faster. I covered enough to get a clue as to what the patterns are. I can finish up the essay tomorrow and then just post the copy here. It is too much to go into detail. I think the core issue is my desire for control. I therefore hurt myself when I pursue truth because of my attachment that backfires on me. The essay will have the details. I am sure I made the psychologist's job much easier than usual while ensuring I get the maximum benefit possible. I then went to work from 2-10. I considered getting lunch, but that would total 7 hours of working and I would be left with the awkward 1 hour at the end of the day. I could still do that to meditate more. It is a smart thing to do. I didn't do it and I instead stayed on carts. My mind was far more peaceful than usual, similar to when I first got an answer to my sleeping problems. Ego back lash might cause the mood swings. Good night. I'm tired.

October 28, 2020 Today was a very stressful day. I woke up early and in a daze as I laid still. I forgot to take my pills at first and my phone battery is acting ridiculous. It is on power saver yet it is as though it has less power than normal all of a sudden. I don't understand this. This has never happened before. It has 5 days left last night. I did some self reflection and meditation. It came up that my surface happiness disguised my deeper depression. This can result in a split personality in which I am not really being myself, but rather putting on an act. I don't want to do this and I want to be who I really am rather than who I think I should be because that never leads to true happiness. I will acknowledge where I stand now, but it doesn't mean I have to stay there. I only meditated for a little bit because I had a lot of anxiety compelling me to move and go home. I also had some pain in my body. Some tears came out as I recognized that true happiness does not require fear of negative emotions. Total acceptance includes negative emotions in order to be real love no matter what I am. My love for myself is conditional if I tell myself I should be different. Finally I did more typing for my psychologist. I am on page 16. I covered existential questions, financial independence, politics, and religion. I have a few more topics I can cover. I have covered a decent amount of my trauma, but I could add a little more to guilt and shame. I think that my poor psychology is causing me to hurt myself by pursing truth and thus creating a vehicle for devilry. Some of my perspectives that I don't really know are true actually cause me a lot of anxiety and likely keep me up at night. If it is physically unhealthy for me to pursue the truth in this way, I need to change what I am doing. I remember that the truth is actually meaningless and I don't have to pursue it if I only hurt myself. If I don't clear up these psychological problems, I have placed a glass ceiling on myself. I want to help you the best that I can. Be who you really are.

October 27, 2020 Today was an interesting day. My mood was unaffected by the pills and I was still happy after better sleep. Starting with an early shift at 9a.m., I was offered a ride and got to work an hour early. I did a lot of meditation in the meantime. I noticed that resistance to ego is not as effective as self acceptance. The intent was to make myself more humble, but resistance is rejection and judgement. Instead I let myself feel superior and eventually the thought went away one its own leaving me more peaceful. Currently I have resistance to allowing self deception. This puzzled me for a long time and I think I need to review some older posts to help me remember more. While at work somebody tried to pay with a counterfeit 100 dollar bill. The managers were looking at it hard, but I could tell the paper didn't look right. I could also see how the paper was less flexible compared to normal money and the managers kept holding it up to the light skeptically. This was different from a dream I had last night. I dreamt that somebody won the lottery while I was at work. The prize was 100,000 dollars and the ticket said something like you are da bamba. I think "run home Charlie" is appropriate in these cases. After work or started raining so I did not stop in the woods. Instead I went home and are ice cream. Later we had dinner and it was some good roast beef. I liked the meal. After dinner I did some research on some upcoming political issues to vote on. There are some tax levies for my city, but three of the policies are vague. I don't understand them so I might skip voting on those and just vote on the one that makes sense. I also researched the third party presidential candidates. Howie looks the most similar to Sanders compared to the rest, but he opposes the party within the party. I am torn on this guy because although inflation is way ahead of what workers are being paid, 15$ is already hard to get through. 20$ minimum wage might be a little high given how much resistance there already is. I currently make lower than either of these. I have also fallen behind on the actualized.org videos. I have been busy with preparing for psychotherapy. If I watch the rest of the videos concerning libertarianism, it might affect my opinion about the other candidate. Jo seems to be concerned about the national debt. It has been increasing the whole time trump was in office and it is not looking good. She wants to decrease the size of the government by a lot because she wants to make a balanced budget. The national debt looks serious and it doesn't look like this country is pulling itself together anytime soon. This could cause some serious economic consequences if we don't balance the budget. I typed a little more about me for my counselor. I noted that one of self deceptions is that I am hoping the problem is psychological rather than medical because I am distrustful of the controversy surrounding the medical industry in regards to drug prescriptions. If the problem is medical and the doctors really are lost in the system even with good intentions, my issue may not be effectively resolved. I then elaborated on financial independence, college goals, and stress and changes related to COVID-19. So far I seem pretty honest for the counselor and I have a day off tomorrow to continue my several missions. I might need to narrow my focus because it is a bit much especially with the election coming up. Unfortunately the third party candidates still don't look that good to me, but they have a few decent qualities. I want you to feel the freedom and joy that comes from letting go of inner resistance and turmoil. This desire is love.

I keep compromising what makes me happy for what I think is good. I have done this several times. When chess made me happy, I compromised to go to college. I also discovered that I feel burning when I try to go into politics because I don't like it. I compromised to go into it because I thought it was good to see the greatest good for the greatest number and potentially help millions of people in doing so. I also was not really happy pursuing the truth, but I pushed myself because I thought that was good just as I did with personal development. I become neurotic when I pursue my life purpose in this way even if I am trying to be the best person I can be. I am never happy with this self sacrificing mind set about what is good and I have a harder time identifying my life purpose because of it. I think this also makes me ideological and deep down in pain. I feel confused and lost. If I go back to my aptitudes rather than what I think is good, it points me to bring an engineer of some sort. I never felt passionate about this, but I also never tried it. I don't want to keep swinging the pendulum and hurting myself based on what I think is good, leading me to defending worldviews i don't even like. I am considering following a life purpose based on aptitudes now to see if I become happier. What would you do if you were in a similar position?

October 26, 2020 Today I worked for five hours and had some decent sleep. I was pretty happy all day and I am getting back to normal. I have been over stressed recently because of my increase in hours around the holidays. One that drains me is how I don't like my job and I feel worse when I think it. I don't have to use acceptance to keep me in place. I want to focus on thoughts that give me energy rather than drain me. I think I would be better off this way. I have an opportunity to meditate on the woods tomorrow after work. I didn't do it today and I felt okay without taking the medicine. I eventually took the medicine anyway and felt no different. I also had a lot of energy today. It might be because of how I took closer to a normal dose of melatonin again. I then continued listening to audio books and typing for my psychologist. I have about 10 topics i could still write about to give him a more complete picture of what my psyche is like. Today I covered my masks and self deceptions. My money psychology could be better and I understand that psychological health translates to physical health translates to even more psychological and even spiritual health. The more information I give him, the better is what my mind is saying. It is possible that he won't read everything I write, but it would be useful if he did. I am optimistic about the near future.

October 24-25 2020 Sorry for not typing as much as usual. My hours at work are spiking up again around the holidays. I needed to get up around 5 a.m. Two days in a row. I slept terribly and woke up around midnight. I didn't get back to sleep and I was very stressed all day. I noticed suicidal thoughts coming up in these cases as well, but I knew they were not true so I didn't act on them. I was operating on very little sleep for two days in a row, indicating how much my health influences my thoughts over my direct commanding. I was exhausted after work, but I typed some of my notes for the counselor. I noted all of my serious psychological signs including self manipulation. I noted a few events which made me feel guilty and I hurt myself a lot for them. These are possible causes of psychological trauma. I also mentioned how I was diagnosed with depression. I don't think there is one clear direct cause. I think it is many factors that all play into each other. Once I clean up my psychology I can think more clearly about my life purpose without the additional layers of self deception. Maybe I won't reach liberation yet, but I will be set up to get closer. Next I am going to type more about self deception, the content of my racing thoughts, and maybe a few good things about myself. By the time I'm done, I will have shared a lot of information about myself that my family never knew. I might share it with them as well if they are willing to read it. This will significantly reshape how my family thinks of me if they are shocked by it. One interesting note is that I attempted to compensate for self bias and white washing my memories through clinging to the worst memories. The fact that I think if them as true creates a lot more psychological tension and can contribute to Making me hate myself. I have a hard time pin pointing what exactly is dirty about this, but something is off about focusing on my worst memories in this way. I think this is a source of selfish pain. As I deeply analyze myself I can continue to heal from a lot of trauma that can be contributing to my sleeping problems, suicidal thoughts, self manipulation, and more. I am ready to grow myself.

October 23, 2020 I had a day off of work but I stayed in bed trying to sleep even though I woke up early. I didn't get up until around 10. I meditated in the woods for a little more than an hour and I wrote about hatred. I don't know that love makes you feel more powerful than hatred, but it is definitely healthier and more in line with reality. I only pretend to hate things because the selfishness feels empowering for a short time, but is actually dirty. I ended up sitting in bed a lot again. I had time to type more notes on depression for the psychologist, but I forgot about it. Now I have to work an early shift and then see what I type after I get off. Occasionally I still go between joy and peace and depression with thoughts of killing myself. I can't think clearly about a life purpose under these conditions. This depression has been going on for a long time and I'm sorry I am not as productive as I would like to be. I don't want to run so much anymore because my legs want to rest. I want to create a more solid foundation for a peaceful and happy life. Spirituality is doomed to fail if an unhealthy ego must be transcended. I will do what I must.

October 22, 2020 I am getting over worked again and I did not keep up on the blog. I am already tired and did not sleep well last night. Today I woke up at 3 and needed to be at work by 7. I did not get back to sleep. After a long day at work with another 8 hour shift I was hyper and not sitting still. I became hyper in reaction to bring tired back in school. This has become problematic and needs to be resolved. After these two 8 hour shifts I had a lot of racing thoughts and did not call down. I don't think I can trust my judgements and thoughts as well when I'm like this. It is hard to think clearly and focus as well as I would like. After work I meditated for a bit, but then went home for dinner. I may be talking to the psychologist soon, but I did not finish writing about depression. I will have to tell him everything about the unhealthy signs. If I have more time tomorrow I can continue my paper. Please do what is needed to give yourself the life you deserve.

I am not sure what happened. I had a couple of long days at work and had almost no sleep two nights in a row. The most sleep I managed to get was a one hour nap yesterday. I struggled to get another nap today. I think I have a constant psychological problem concerning sleep. I have a lot of racing thoughts again in spite of the increased dose of anxiety pills. I am contradicting myself a lot and my mind stopped making sense. It results in major mood swings such as crying tears of joy to intense irrational hatred. I don't even know of what. This makes me feel lost, unproductive, and confusingly angry when this happens. I don't know what to do, but I hope to see this through. I realize this is temporary and the resolution will come.

October 20, 2020 I am back to a lot of old habits again including watching a lot of entertainment, ice cream, and laying in bed a lot. By pushing myself to stop this, it feels bad and it backfires. I tried to meditate in the woods, but the rain flooded the creek and I did not have a good spot out there today. Instead I just did some walking and writing about my life purpose. I clarified some of my life purpose, but did not finish the exercises yet. Toward the end of the day I started writing some notes for my psychiatrist. I intend to write down as much about myself as I possibly can. This includes, epilepsy, autism, guilt, sexual issues, self deception, existential questions, family, childhood trauma, and anything else that takes away my peace of mind. I could share my book with him if it helps him learn more about how I think. I tried playing chess, but my results are nothing interesting. I am not as engaged in playing right now. I remember feeling a similar burning in pushing myself to do more chess. I constantly feel some inner pain in pushing myself to do anything. I don't want to just do nothing though. I keep trying my best, but I don't know anymore. My unstable emotions and results make me very confused and I need help. I hope whatever is necessary gets done. Good luck.

@LeoX8 one thing that might cause me to rush is the idea that I am not good enough. This makes me so everything I can to be the best person I can possibly be, but I often end up feeling stuck anyway. I think if I found a way to stop manipulating myself because I think I should be better, then I might be happier. Currently it feels depressing and it makes me confused. All of this leads to me pushing very hard toward what I think is good. Deeper down I feel a painful manipulation at play when I do this.

October 19, 2020 Today I felt depressed even though my mind was quiet. There are some confusing signs being out out such as mood swings and I think I am supposed to see somebody in about a week. This has actually been going on for a long time and I remember the suicidal thoughts started in high school. I want to resolve these psychological problems as they are creating a glass ceiling on my personal growth. After work I was in bed most of the day. I don't want to keep swinging the pendulum toward many different directions or I will confuse myself. I don't want to contribute to my family drama to distract me from my own which is why I contributed to some of my fights. I'm sorry for this confusion and I don't seem to be making a lot of progress now. I do have a day off tomorrow though. I must see somebody about this.

@Ananta that is correct I do feel impulsive. I just lay in bed paralyzed by intense emotions as I have suicidal thoughts. It is worth noting that the next day I feel fine and peaceful. This makes me confused because I am oscillating between feeling peaceful, happy, and focused and depressed, suicidal, and hateful. I also discovered that I swing the pendulum a lot based on what I think is good. This makes me confused about what to do with my life.

October 18 2020 Today was not a fun day. My mind flew off the wire again. It Finally boiled up that I was completely confused with what to do with my life. This is what leads me to becoming ideological about things that are harmful to me anyway and I don't even like. My mind is making constant irrational thoughts and judgements about itself. I tried to use the life purpose course my evaluation of myself keeps changing. I had a lot of paralyzing anxiety coming up along with suicidal thoughts. I did not feel like getting out of bed. Granny said that she would call someone to help me tomorrow. My mind is currently telling me that spirituality was a mistake and I confused myself further by pursuing consciousness work. Before I wanted to become a chess master. My family wanted me to go to college so got stuck on what to do. I felt like I was being turned into some kind of lifeless zombie in the process of going through college. I am confused with what to do with my life and I am working at Kroger because of it. I can't use spirituality for a life purpose of value if I am as lost as I am. I don't know what to do. I'm lost. My last try is that times like these is when self love is needed most. I wish the best for you in finding your life purpose. I'm sorry I hurt you with my arrogance.