trenton

My name is Trenton. I am 21 years old, I have an associate's degree in general studies, and I am currently a bag boy at a Kroger grocery store. I like to play chess and some college courses I may be interested in include business, neuroscience, psychology, or philosophy. I am not clear on my life purpose if it is not going to be chess or truth seeking because my amount of income may be insufficient for self actualization due to my inability to travel. As I write this journal I am committing myself to live by my best and to not set obstacles in my way due to my fear of God. This is the beginning of a powerful vision for myself and there is no going back. I do this because of love and this is how life will be lived.

December 4, 2020 I have an idea for changing how I do these posts. Instead of making a daily report, I can use this as a place for writing out my thoughts concerning my life purpose and motivation. This might be more productive. Topic: why should I play chess? My passion for chess was lost overtime because I was pulled by money, college, and getting away from my family. I still don't have enough of those things and I am less happy because I lost interest in this hobby. Some toxic motives included not being a waste of potential or talent and not knowing what to do with my life. I enjoyed going to chess clubs to reach people and offer as much as possible. I no longer have a clear goal without a community and it seems useless. I could become a grandmaster, but it puts a lot of stress on me, I get stuck in chess improvement, I don't make enough money, and other problems. I feel like my life is being run in a direction I don't want. Higher values for playing chess. It is a strong source of energy for me and it creates a state of flow. I love the beauty of logic and understanding both sides of the game. I love to enhance my mind and logical abilities. Chess is a form of meditation. I am not sure what else. I will keep working on the life purpose course.

I waste a lot of time in YouTube. The most valuable information comes from high conscious resources. The problem is that I constantly slide back because I find it very easy to get pulled aside by a variety of funny videos. I have a plan to deal with this. I can cut off YouTube completely and go to actualized.org directly for any videos I want. There is also a part in spirituality about high conscious resources that I can go to. They might bring me back to YouTube where I easily get pushed off track. Do you have other strategies for cutting off time sinks? Can you share examples of other time sinks and how to avoid them? The internet is my biggest concern because The distractions are endless. The more time wasters I get rid of, the less stressed I will be to keep up with all of my upcoming demands by eliminating habits like procrastination that bothered me all throughout high school.

I deleted a bunch of the history recommendations to serve as a reminder every time I get in the computer. What is coming up now is that I need an alternative activity aside from YouTube. My alternatives are reading, writing, meditation, job hunting, college research, and other helpful things I avoid. I am about to try doing more of these things in place of YouTube. My progress has been slowed significantly.

@Christdas I just wanted to warn you that there is a rule stating that you can't use Leo's face in the profile picture. You could get in trouble if you don't change the picture to something else.

November 30, 2020 I wanted to tell you that this journal is starting to turn into more of a chore than a joy. It is hard to keep up with it because of everything else I am busy with. It is taking time away from meditation and interfering with my sleep when I attempt to keep up with this. I am starting to feel like this journal is another Chessable. I need to lighten the load of how much work needs to be done. I am still seeing a counselor and I have made good progress. My sleep is improving, my social skills are improving, my destructive thinking is going away, my family can see that I am becoming more mature, I may go to college for neuroscience, this will help me get a better job than Kroger, my consciousness is changing during meditation, my mind is more peaceful, I am less worried about my thoughts, I have clarified some of the life purpose course, I am becoming more open and honest with other people, and more. I have made some decent progress on self-actualization while writing this journal, but the journal is no longer helpful to me because I find writing in a notebook more helpful. This way I am only making a daily report. I still occasionally engage in less productive habits like YouTube and video games. I have been pursuing personal development in a neurotic way and it causes more backslides. I am trying to push and guilt myself less so I can naturally move into more educational material. YouTube is getting increasingly boring, but video games are awesome, especially Pokémon Rocket Edition. One last note I will make is that an atheist tried to make a response video to my comment. I find it cool that my worldview may have been useful for another person. The video was too long, so she will have to try again later. I don't plan on concerning myself too much with influencing other people because there is no rule that I need well thought out positions and it takes a lot of energy to maintain different perspectives even if they are helpful to others. I care about other people because it helps me to grow myself through encouraging self-reflection and overcoming my own corruption. I don't really care about being altruistic and it becomes a mask. I don't need to stress myself about being significant. I want to grow myself. I am glad you made decent progress, but this journal is getting to be an additional source of stress. I hope the followers of this journal found something useful because I may delete this or stop posting. "I love you all" came up when I was thinking about all of humanity. I can apply to you guys regardless of your agenda.

November 28-29 I missed one day again. I did not do much yesterday because I fell back into my old internet habits. I sense a negative motivation attempting to push me away from this. I am on some level guilting myself into doing something good, but this is not real goodness. I can focus on this inner work and create a better psychological approach than guilting for better results because guilt is not good enough for me. It only works in the short term until the consequences catch up to me with all of my drama. Guilt may be what causes me to overstrain myself and backslide more frequently. I feel like it is a bit annoying that I am typing what my day was like twice. I will just copy and paste what I wrote for my psychologist. There is no sense in doing this all over again. No suicidal thoughts. I slept better, but I woke up early and stayed in a daze for a while before sleeping a little more. I had a short workday before meditating. While meditating I noticed my consciousness changing and becoming more peaceful than it previously was. My racing thoughts are not keeping me up at night and my sleep is usually better. I am getting tired around 9 o’clock normally. I spent a lot of time playing that awesome video game. I plan to continue reading my book so I can get another book on Christmas. This gives me a priority. During my socializing with my family it came up that I am interested in neuroscience. I am more interested in this than business, but I thought it would be financially responsible to major in business. I explained a lot of the things I studied to Granny, but she did not understand the overlap I was making between philosophy, religion, psychology, politics, and neuroscience. I find this work and research fascinating. I plan to share a lot of the research with my family very soon. Good job. You are coming together with your psychology and becoming more peaceful. It is a lot, but it can be done.

November 24-27 I fell far behind. First I was working full time this week, so I was pretty busy. I don't think I will remember everything that happened over the past few days, but thanksgiving made it very crowded at kroger. I was tired at the end of it all. I went over to Nanny's house yesterday and spent time with her. We did more research on kamala Harris. She cussed about her a lot, so I read in detail about her. It mentioned one of trump's false accusations, but she doubted the validity of the source when it said that. Her bias is obvious to me, but I am still biased toward liberal media. I did not try to convince her she was wrong. Instead I listened carefully to her worldview out of curiosity. I do this with a lot of people and I find it very interesting. We presented some interesting arguments about guns. I learned about this issue in criminal justice after a nearby shooting. I argued that some weapons were more powerful than necessary for self defense. For example, you only need a revolver to shoot an attacker in the heart once. If we did not have access to more powerful weapons, then fewer people would be killed in shootings. Las Vegas is one example of an overpowered weapon. She argued that many criminals would simply get illegal weapons. I remembered this argument and I told her that American politics places a lot of emphasis on the NRA, and does not appear to have a clear plan for illegal weapons. Her mindset is "it is better to have a gun and not need one then it is to need a gun and not have one." I tried to see what issues she was most concerned about. She doesn't want the taxes to be raised for the environment and other reforms. She does not trust the government because she thinks they lie all the time. I remember trump ran on anti corruption. She argued that politicians should not be making claims about COVID and they should just relay what the doctors told them. I found this perplexing because trump made many false claims about COVID, but she likes him still. She mentioned that she trusted trump more because he is not a politician and he does not sugar coat anything. The counter argument is that she is underestimating the importance of experience. At least anti corruption is a bipartisan issue and it may serve as a bridge in American politics. when my sister visited she did not agree with getting Nanny fired up. At least she wasn't as fired up as usual when the others got here after our discussion. I did not argue with my sister because I silently observed my mind cherry picking interpretations in order to make me look good. The truest one is that I was curious and I wasn't thinking about getting her mad at all. I played videogames with Charlie. We had a lot of fun playing star wars galactic conquest on hard. We had many narrow victories and amazing stunts that we both pulled off to just barely win. We got stuck on battles like tatooine because the rebel command posts are in a strategically terrible position. I can easily be overrun by tusken raiders and the empire on either flank. The empire had Darth Vader helping them, and even if I destroyed their walkers, the raiders still took over my command posts. This was ridiculous. We were stuck until I devised a strategy to attack bespin. We used the consecutive victory bonus to overthrow tatooine without fighting. No more Darth vader. Then I used the planetary bonus from bespin to sabotage the empire's vehicles on ren var. It became a massacre. I was up by 80 men and I crushed them with my own tanks. They were defenseless now. My hours should lighten up until Christmas. Hopefully I can stay in track until then.

In this topic I am curious about what the external obstacles could be for a person getting what they want. The reasoning behind this is that if I think all limitations are self imposed for instance, then I could end up pushing against a wall. I don't want to end up blaming myself for things that are beyond my control because I think that I am the obstacle. This is how I could become a victim of myself which becomes very counterproductive. Some examples I have in mind are medical conditions, natural disasters, natural forces, the current pandemic, and there are some citizens who have a real stake in what policies get passed locally or federally. I am still responsible for my reactions to external problems, but if I find what serious limitations there are without falling for limiting beliefs, then that could take some pressure off of me in a more productive way.

November 21-23 Wow I did not know I fell this far behind. My hours were stacked for Thanksgiving week. I am working full time and I need to get in bed soon. It is hard to explain what is happening to me, but I will try. I am letting go of reasons to hate myself as they are meant to motivate me, but they don't deliver. It just leads to suicidal thoughts and my mind is very peaceful when I am no longer run by the same thinking patterns that cause headaches. I am confused about what I want with life because I wanted inner peace. I am becoming more peaceful, but I am not sure what to want next. So many things burn me a little when I consider other options. Maybe I should address them so I don't keep getting threatened. It includes financial independence. I don't want to be lazy and hurt myself. I don't want to hurt myself by judging myself too much. I feel confused and torn. I am crying a little. Your mission is to clarify your purpose. If I remind myself every night, it can filter into the next day. I see patterns in how my thinking depends on the previous day. I don't know how to love you more than I already do.

I think this question is important because there could be problematic assumptions underlying spirituality and personal development. For example, spiritual equality vs. spiritual inequality. If we believe that we are all as capable as a sage with many mystical experiences, it can lead to frustration. Leo mentioned that he finds it professionally dishonest to not mention that most people will never reach ego transcendence. If the pattern continues for personal development, then there may be limits to how high one person is capable of developing themselves. If personal development teaches us that they are limiting beliefs and we are responsible for our results, it may overlook genetics, neurochemistry, and other factors that could lead to people frustrating themselves. The paradox is that if I fail something once, I could try again. If I fail something 10 times, I could try for the 11th time. If I try 10,000 times and fail every time, I could still try again. Although I find it admirable to have attitudes like "never give up" or "conquer your fears," realistically not everybody can be as good as a champion. 1000 people could be very passionate about becoming the President of the USA and study all their lives equally hard for all the same material. There could be real genetic factors that allows one to perform better in studies, or simple luck for the one who wins. Belief can leverage us to be more productive, but from my point of view it becomes destructive if I think I could have done better than I actually did. Not everybody can be a champion. I am trying to find a more mature approach that does not overstrain me. This issue is a tricky thread in which I acknowledge some validity to a victim mindset from a narrow perspective, but I don't want to lock myself in that perspective. "A victim is someone who thinks the external world is a bigger obstacle than he is to himself." I am not sure how true this holds up if we account for all the physical material that makes up our brains and bodies. Is the self-help industry biased in the regard that people would not study it if they did not believe they would gain anything?

November 20, 2020 I had a lot of depression and suicidal thoughts through the day. I noted it In the weekly report. I am becoming more open to the possibility that many of the problems I have are all in my head. I keep looking for causes of depression, but I never find one. I usually avoid socializing, but it is making a drastic difference in how I think. The less I socialize, the more my mind creates drama that never gets resolved. I apologize if this journal is getting dark. I am doing my best, but I feel like I'm going to another world.

November 19, 2020 I had a good day. I worked 11-5, and did not make much progress on the course. When I got back I talked to my psychologist he told me that I am over stressed about my thoughts. I try to be accurate and give detailed information which is helpful in some cases, but I worry too much about having accurate thoughts. This includes my memories. He mentioned that if I don't socialize then I have all sorts of inner conflicts that are not really problems. I turn accuracy into stress in my effort not to be self deceived. I spent more time with my family, and I told them my lies and contributed to drama. I told them that I hide in away from people and don't talk to them because I don't want to be influenced by my immature culture. I was still immature because I am not denying the fact that I am not above these people. I hated myself a lot as I isolated myself since I was a kid. I am trying not to identify with my lies, perspective, worldview, or anything else. I am afraid of believing my lies. What I thought was good was harmful because trying to be as accurate as possible and a perfectionist makes me at war with myself. In any case this was interesting.

November 17-18, 2020 I fell behind because I am so busy with work, my life purpose course, self reflection, and my psychologist to keep up with this. Anyway my sleep started getting worse again. I woke up at three and could not get back to sleep. I think the life purpose course and deeper self reflection I have been doing is extremely helpful for changing my old habits and creating better ones. I have more clarity with what I want out of life, but I can't tell you much about the course. It is helping me to avoid a toxic life purpose and I am glad I chose to do the course thoroughly. It is getting too cold for meditation in the woods, and trees are falling down, making the trail a mess. My work is also noisy for meditation sometimes, but I usually do well. My anxiety and lack of focus seem to correlate with sleeping problems. It is just very complicated to explain everything that I wrote for my psychologist here again. I also don't want to worsen my sleep for the sake of keeping up with this. Sorry if I can't keep up, but I am still doing a good job.

November 16, 2020 I had a very busy day. My counselor cancelled because of a mix up. The new appointment is Thursday after work, but I should be on time. I have my grandma the phone number to tell them about insurance. I was not too bummed out because I had a lot to do anyway. First, I loved the new episode of actualized. I was just now thinking about going back to college, and I learned about new opportunities that I could be looking for. I want to look into freelance writing. I like writing, but one of my fears is that news anchors don't like truth, they like stories that make money. I will still explore this, but I ultimately want to rise above being opinionated and biased. I did a lot of journaling and contemplation instead of going to the woods to meditate. It is getting cold, so I need to figure something out. Charlie still has online classes and my family works at home. I am starting to wear my face mask outside for warmth. I might try the basement because the back yard might get too cold. I questioned more of my problems with destructive psychology. I addressed more of my fears concerning moral relativism and my neurotic relationship to truth. If I let go of my strong desire for truth, I will stop pouring energy into maintaining perspectives in an effort to not be self deceived. I found that my true motive is still fear of self deception which manipulates me into caring about truth in a neurotic way that becomes less effective and loving. I am trying to conquer this fear of self deception but it is hard and twisted. I found why trueness feels dirty to me in this case as it is not my true motive for maintaining a true perspective. Finally, I started to discuss financial independence with my family. I need to learn about taxes and spreadsheets. I asked my grandma but I will talk to mom. It looks like it I worked full time at Kroger, and made at least 2000$ a month, then I would have enough to theoretically move out and make ends meet. I would have a little left over if I moved somewhere cheap. I don't plan on getting cable tv or video games or anything. I might get internet because of actualized.org. I just feel like there are so many addictions on the internet that concern me. My food will be healthy and expensive. I may need to learn recipes for vegetable soup or something. There are a lot of things that I don't feel passionate or excited about, but I see the necessity in understanding some basic survival techniques. I will be getting this in order as I consider freelance writing and inside more destructive psychology. You did well today.

@dorishall hi there. I noticed that love and healing can be worsened if I try to make it that way because the fact that I am trying to make it that way is precisely the problem. It leads to self manipulation from which I try to make myself heal and love.

November 14-15 I needed to get up at 6 a.m. So I skipped typing to go to bed. I put a lot of effort into the life purpose course. I am doing it far more thoroughly than intended. There are multiple motives like I want the best life possible and in order to do it I must face my inner demons. This includes addressing the psychological trauma that weighs in my mind in thinking about my life purpose. I am doing a lot of contemplation into what drives me because I often find myself pursuing the wrong thing. I deconstructed intellectual ego, belief and ideology, sex, and many other things. Many things corrupt my thinking process when I consider my life purpose and if I clean them up, I can have a higher life purpose. The root of my emotional problems came from school. I almost flunked the fourth grade. I became hyper disciplined and often used fear to motivate myself. I out performed the other students until high school. High school is when my depression started to show itself. The work was far more difficult and I constantly blamed myself and best myself up for my lack of straight A's. This creates negative spirals which became addicting to the point that I developed a taste for beating myself up. I will bring this up to my psychologist because my depression showed up around high school and this could explain my destructive thoughts. I once thought that suicidal thoughts would make me stronger. This is a dangerous premise to operate under. It was related to my vision of Jesus in which I left a white light and chose to enter a black abyss of extreme suffering. You may call me crazy or call me the story of the lost soul who wanted to discover that which he was not. Either way I want the self manipulation to stop. I am just so busy for keeping up with this. You are doing excellently. Master your psychology and master your life. I still struggle with the phrase "I love you" because of my past usage coming from a place of neediness. If there were a different meaning, I could say that more genuinely.

November 13, 2020 I spent some of the day deconstructing my memories with emotional baggage. I practiced forgiving myself in the process. I recognize the limited way of thinking in my initial reactions and the self deception that came with it. I still have some more work before I can continue the next lesson in the life purpose course. I can probably get close to some tomorrow. A lot of inner demons came up in the process of doing this course and I am becoming healthier. I could write out some of my questions for my grandma concerning intellectual ego. Sometimes I still wrestle with this and I don't want to be at war with myself. I try not to resist the things I find undesirable because it can intensify them. There is a corrupting mechanism behind my worldview when I build up perspectives. It might be too intense for her, but she did get tired of arguing with people for no reward. There might have been a time in her life when she was like me. I must remember that internal answers and self reflection has worked best so far even with fewer actualized episodes. If she does not get it, I won't bother her. She knows I appreciate everything she does for me. I remembered to meditate and help out with the painting in the house. After doing some chores I was eager to get back to work on myself. I am preparing myself for the best life possible. I am gradually cleaning up some of these inner demons that corrupt my thinking and truth seeking. I may need to balance this with financial needs though. I don't want to be irresponsible with my financial future. I made some good progress today. I don't want to be overdoing the junk food though. Other than that keep up the good work.

November 12, 2020 I think I need to let go of my family. I had a pretty good day, but I can't always work with them. My brother has some bad grades on his report card and I tried to address how his stubbornness would hurt him in the long run. I see some of the behaviors I had when I was his age like saying no a lot when upset. I could not really reason with him and he just does not care about his grades. I remember how I hurt myself and made the situation worse when I wanted to help my mom out of her problems with domestic violence. I don't want my family to continue harmful behavior but sometimes they are too stubborn. If I let my family to then I can keep working on myself because I can't do anything better. My grandma has some really good wisdom regarding ego games. She said that she is old and she is tired of playing intellectual games to make people look stupid. I discussed the underlying content with her and explained the pleasantness of making others feel bad. I don't want to do this and I think she can expand on this for me. She is the most reliable person left in my entire family. I am still wrestling with this ego. I think I need to resist it less because I create more suffering and inner wars when I am resisting my ego games by judging them as harmful which they can be I were more vocal. One reason I stay in my head is because I am worried that my ego games will hurt other people and I don't want to do that. Other than all of this I am making some progress with analyzing my negative psychology. I am very grateful for what my grandma is doing for me and I can do all of this inner work only thanks to her. I need a better form of income before she dies. I also want a career I can be happy with. I am torn on this because I realize it is necessary to pursue money sometimes, but I need to work this life purpose course out. You are on the right track.

November 11, 2020 Today I had a ton of excitement and laughter. I was constantly laughing at scenarios playing out in my head. I continued the life purpose course. I think that excessively positive emotions can hold me back if they are not an optimal way of thinking. This has interfered with my school and college work. It may be related to autism in that I don't laugh in my head, I laugh out loud. This makes me look crazy to other people or they think I'm high. I am not truly happy and fulfilled this way. This also led to self deception to justify staying locked in my head. I am starting to see where I need to put some effort to prevent my mood swings and design a healthier psyche. Excessively positive emotions are not sustainable and lead to crashes. I also played video games with Charlie and we defeated ganondorf in twilight princess. We also completed a the game with all poes, all heart containers, and all item upgrades. This is considered 100%. There were some chests that were not opened, but they only had extra money. We already maxed out the wallet anyway. The new version corrected this by adding another wallet upgrade. You have a ton of work to do. Your psychological problems have been influencing your life greatly and they are hurting you. Further meditation and self reflection is how I will make the suffering stop.

November 9-10 Sorry I forgot to type a couple days. I get really tired at night now, but I still wake up early. I met with my psychologist and we talked about the line between thought and behavior. He said that I don't show signs of acting on these thoughts. He also told me about alternative activities for my destructive thoughts. I started taking free online courses and they give me new ways of thinking. I can go back to college for business in January. My objective for going to college is to help me gain financial independence to cover myself for any survival needs that could possibly limit my personal growth. I do not have a clear business plan though. I am not sure what kind of business I should make. In any case I want creative autonomy in my work. Video games might offer that. I have continued to question all of my masks and personas. I am often deeply inauthentic when operating under these masks and I can more clearly see the possibility of selflessness. All of my desires are not really musts if they are fundamentally groundless. I do not know how truth would change my life. I am also appreciative of the thoughts that often fill my mind. I recognize how they are attempting to serve my survival and by attempting to choose truth over survival in the way I have, I only become at war with myself. In this process I have let go of other masks and premises I operate under. The function of holding onto guilt is to keep me from doing something socially disadvantageous. It is still a mask. The truth would remove a lot of this suffering. If I say I care about the truth, it creates another identity. I am not very curious about metaphysics because it often looks impractical and I don't want mental masturbation. I'm still selfish and I want something that can change my life for the better. I can continue studying many courses until my mind is open enough to these possibilities. If I had enough money I would travel and try psychedelics. Cover your bases and live the best life possible.

November 8, 2020 I basically typed my daily report for my psychologist already. I can briefly go over the normal stuff and then tell you the interesting parts. I went to work at 6, forgot to take my anxiety pills, and i was fine. I went to the woods to meditate. I further contemplated my self-sacrificing mindset and I found that I had the limiting belief that I am unable to get what I want. I therefore pursue the lower level joy of helping other people get what they want at my expense. This contributes to a depressing outlook on life and leads to my fantasies about becoming a parent even though I would rather build the best possible life for myself rather than give up everything for a child to live a better life than me. My mind tells me that it is too late and I was hurt too much by my psychological problems. I am still 22, yet this is a stubborn thought that I could be much more empowered without. This mindset makes it very difficult to find my life purpose if I think that I am doomed to fail no matter what. I need a significant paradigm shift if I want to live the best life possible. This can stop a good chunk of my depressing outlook on life and relieve a ton of my inner stress and conflicts. I would love to do that because it would change a lot for me. I will continue to seek a better way of thinking as I pick myself back up. I destroy my interest in everything if I am self-sacrificing. I am ready for a better life.

November 6-7 2020 Yesterday was my birthday, I turned 22. My mind flew completely off the wire again and I was fighting with depression, hatred, and suicidal thoughts. At first I was starving for the pizza, but I started getting sick to my stomach after eating 5 pieces. I should have skipped dessert. I felt dehydrated and exhausted. I was too tired to take a shower so I went to bed immediately. All night I was fighting with depression. My sisters think I have something called "teretz" because of my sudden muscle spasms and jolts of energy. We struggled to find a reason for my destructive thoughts. I didn't sleep well at all last night in spite of the melatonin. I think the tablet makes depression worse and I keep breathing heavily. I had suicidal thoughts for ten hours in which I could have been sleeping. I am about to update my weekly report for my psychologist. The next day the destructive thoughts continued. I barely ate any breakfast and I skipped dinner. I felt like throwing up. I am still dehydrated. I don't want to keep blaming myself for all of these thoughts. It is designed to be counterproductive and it hurts. I went to the woods to meditate as I hoped to get to the root of all of this anger and destructive thinking. Eventually I remembered that anger is an inauthentic emotion of it is denial that I have been hurt. Moral anxiety became less of a problem, but the hatred did not go away. I became far more peaceful when I recognized how I was in denial that I was hurt in my efforts to be a good person. This includes the fact that I tried to craft various perspectives in case somebody found it helpful and life transforming. I helped a few people like this, but the worldviews that play over and over in my head are to maintain arguments and perspectives that are irrelevant to me. This includes all of the thoughts I have been having about religion even though I cannot get a good life from criticizing all of this. These perspectives are useless for me and they only existed to help other people who were curious. There was too much suffering that came from maintaining ideologies and perspectives and I don't want to participate in that. My anger began to subside when I acknowledged how I hurt myself in trying to be good. From a more peaceful state of mind, I Finally finished the exercises i was doing. I questioned My negative motives for values such as truth and honesty such as my fear of living in a false reality. My mood swings are making me doubt the results, but I will follow through with the course after I share my week one report with the psychologist. I have some anger in me still, but it is not as intense after the brief inner peace I experienced. Sometimes I feel like I can't understand myself and I can't stop all of this insanity that I am going through. I am not giving up. I want to get to the root cause of my psychological problems. I refuse to allow myself this kind of life. I am doing everything I can to become the best human being I can possibly be. I will sort through everything that could possibly be causing me psychological trauma. My suicidal thoughts have been going on since high school. I will never let you kill yourself.

November 5, 2020 I worked for eight hours today. I was hungry because I started work around the time I should be eating lunch. My friend helped me to get better with the cart manager while I was there. Many of my thoughts surrounded moral anxiety. I started questioning my previous coping mechanisms and I found a better way to deal thoughts I don't like. The point is simply to acknowledge curiosity. I am not really bad and I can forgive myself if I am only curious. This includes morbid, destructive, and sexual thoughts. All of it contributes to dishonesty when I don't want to tell people what I'm thinking about. This method was helpful for weakening the patterns. I also think this is related to the problematic duality of good and evil. I am constantly incomplete if good does not include evil. All masks become inauthentic if I must deny anything that makes the character seem inconsistent. I am more peaceful and happy without the extra internet. I will admit that for the end of the day, I did get bored and I used my tablet to kill one hour. I had more fun typing my book. This is especially true for chess club. Typing is extremely fun when I write about chess because I love writing and chess. I'm glad to see some progress is happening. You were always enough. I am judging myself a little for thinking I'm slow, but it works. I'm upset because of how much I suffered over all of this. I guess in hindsight it is obvious.

November 4, 2020 I continued staying off my tablet for entertainment. I am honestly a little happier now than I was before. I make myself depressed when I do that. I would like to continue what I'm doing. I also have a weekly diary for my psychologist that goes into detail about what kind of thoughts I am having. Today my thoughts were along the lines of if I really love the truth, then I need to ensure that money does not run my life as I love paycheck to paycheck as a wage slave. I want to have creative autonomy in my work and I want to be well off enough to travel and organize meditation retreats. Kroger does not let me have this autonomy and I do not get to express my creative genius. I am getting better ideas of what kind of jobs I should look for based on how I want to express myself. I'm sure being a published author will help me out a little in the process, and if I continue to cut down on depressing entertainment, then it might help me accomplish my goals. I won't let you be a bullshitter because I love you too much. Fix your psychology and do what must be done.