trenton

November 20, 2020 I had a lot of depression and suicidal thoughts through the day. I noted it In the weekly report. I am becoming more open to the possibility that many of the problems I have are all in my head. I keep looking for causes of depression, but I never find one. I usually avoid socializing, but it is making a drastic difference in how I think. The less I socialize, the more my mind creates drama that never gets resolved. I apologize if this journal is getting dark. I am doing my best, but I feel like I'm going to another world.

November 19, 2020 I had a good day. I worked 11-5, and did not make much progress on the course. When I got back I talked to my psychologist he told me that I am over stressed about my thoughts. I try to be accurate and give detailed information which is helpful in some cases, but I worry too much about having accurate thoughts. This includes my memories. He mentioned that if I don't socialize then I have all sorts of inner conflicts that are not really problems. I turn accuracy into stress in my effort not to be self deceived. I spent more time with my family, and I told them my lies and contributed to drama. I told them that I hide in away from people and don't talk to them because I don't want to be influenced by my immature culture. I was still immature because I am not denying the fact that I am not above these people. I hated myself a lot as I isolated myself since I was a kid. I am trying not to identify with my lies, perspective, worldview, or anything else. I am afraid of believing my lies. What I thought was good was harmful because trying to be as accurate as possible and a perfectionist makes me at war with myself. In any case this was interesting.

November 17-18, 2020 I fell behind because I am so busy with work, my life purpose course, self reflection, and my psychologist to keep up with this. Anyway my sleep started getting worse again. I woke up at three and could not get back to sleep. I think the life purpose course and deeper self reflection I have been doing is extremely helpful for changing my old habits and creating better ones. I have more clarity with what I want out of life, but I can't tell you much about the course. It is helping me to avoid a toxic life purpose and I am glad I chose to do the course thoroughly. It is getting too cold for meditation in the woods, and trees are falling down, making the trail a mess. My work is also noisy for meditation sometimes, but I usually do well. My anxiety and lack of focus seem to correlate with sleeping problems. It is just very complicated to explain everything that I wrote for my psychologist here again. I also don't want to worsen my sleep for the sake of keeping up with this. Sorry if I can't keep up, but I am still doing a good job.

November 16, 2020 I had a very busy day. My counselor cancelled because of a mix up. The new appointment is Thursday after work, but I should be on time. I have my grandma the phone number to tell them about insurance. I was not too bummed out because I had a lot to do anyway. First, I loved the new episode of actualized. I was just now thinking about going back to college, and I learned about new opportunities that I could be looking for. I want to look into freelance writing. I like writing, but one of my fears is that news anchors don't like truth, they like stories that make money. I will still explore this, but I ultimately want to rise above being opinionated and biased. I did a lot of journaling and contemplation instead of going to the woods to meditate. It is getting cold, so I need to figure something out. Charlie still has online classes and my family works at home. I am starting to wear my face mask outside for warmth. I might try the basement because the back yard might get too cold. I questioned more of my problems with destructive psychology. I addressed more of my fears concerning moral relativism and my neurotic relationship to truth. If I let go of my strong desire for truth, I will stop pouring energy into maintaining perspectives in an effort to not be self deceived. I found that my true motive is still fear of self deception which manipulates me into caring about truth in a neurotic way that becomes less effective and loving. I am trying to conquer this fear of self deception but it is hard and twisted. I found why trueness feels dirty to me in this case as it is not my true motive for maintaining a true perspective. Finally, I started to discuss financial independence with my family. I need to learn about taxes and spreadsheets. I asked my grandma but I will talk to mom. It looks like it I worked full time at Kroger, and made at least 2000$ a month, then I would have enough to theoretically move out and make ends meet. I would have a little left over if I moved somewhere cheap. I don't plan on getting cable tv or video games or anything. I might get internet because of actualized.org. I just feel like there are so many addictions on the internet that concern me. My food will be healthy and expensive. I may need to learn recipes for vegetable soup or something. There are a lot of things that I don't feel passionate or excited about, but I see the necessity in understanding some basic survival techniques. I will be getting this in order as I consider freelance writing and inside more destructive psychology. You did well today.

@dorishall hi there. I noticed that love and healing can be worsened if I try to make it that way because the fact that I am trying to make it that way is precisely the problem. It leads to self manipulation from which I try to make myself heal and love.

November 14-15 I needed to get up at 6 a.m. So I skipped typing to go to bed. I put a lot of effort into the life purpose course. I am doing it far more thoroughly than intended. There are multiple motives like I want the best life possible and in order to do it I must face my inner demons. This includes addressing the psychological trauma that weighs in my mind in thinking about my life purpose. I am doing a lot of contemplation into what drives me because I often find myself pursuing the wrong thing. I deconstructed intellectual ego, belief and ideology, sex, and many other things. Many things corrupt my thinking process when I consider my life purpose and if I clean them up, I can have a higher life purpose. The root of my emotional problems came from school. I almost flunked the fourth grade. I became hyper disciplined and often used fear to motivate myself. I out performed the other students until high school. High school is when my depression started to show itself. The work was far more difficult and I constantly blamed myself and best myself up for my lack of straight A's. This creates negative spirals which became addicting to the point that I developed a taste for beating myself up. I will bring this up to my psychologist because my depression showed up around high school and this could explain my destructive thoughts. I once thought that suicidal thoughts would make me stronger. This is a dangerous premise to operate under. It was related to my vision of Jesus in which I left a white light and chose to enter a black abyss of extreme suffering. You may call me crazy or call me the story of the lost soul who wanted to discover that which he was not. Either way I want the self manipulation to stop. I am just so busy for keeping up with this. You are doing excellently. Master your psychology and master your life. I still struggle with the phrase "I love you" because of my past usage coming from a place of neediness. If there were a different meaning, I could say that more genuinely.

November 13, 2020 I spent some of the day deconstructing my memories with emotional baggage. I practiced forgiving myself in the process. I recognize the limited way of thinking in my initial reactions and the self deception that came with it. I still have some more work before I can continue the next lesson in the life purpose course. I can probably get close to some tomorrow. A lot of inner demons came up in the process of doing this course and I am becoming healthier. I could write out some of my questions for my grandma concerning intellectual ego. Sometimes I still wrestle with this and I don't want to be at war with myself. I try not to resist the things I find undesirable because it can intensify them. There is a corrupting mechanism behind my worldview when I build up perspectives. It might be too intense for her, but she did get tired of arguing with people for no reward. There might have been a time in her life when she was like me. I must remember that internal answers and self reflection has worked best so far even with fewer actualized episodes. If she does not get it, I won't bother her. She knows I appreciate everything she does for me. I remembered to meditate and help out with the painting in the house. After doing some chores I was eager to get back to work on myself. I am preparing myself for the best life possible. I am gradually cleaning up some of these inner demons that corrupt my thinking and truth seeking. I may need to balance this with financial needs though. I don't want to be irresponsible with my financial future. I made some good progress today. I don't want to be overdoing the junk food though. Other than that keep up the good work.

November 12, 2020 I think I need to let go of my family. I had a pretty good day, but I can't always work with them. My brother has some bad grades on his report card and I tried to address how his stubbornness would hurt him in the long run. I see some of the behaviors I had when I was his age like saying no a lot when upset. I could not really reason with him and he just does not care about his grades. I remember how I hurt myself and made the situation worse when I wanted to help my mom out of her problems with domestic violence. I don't want my family to continue harmful behavior but sometimes they are too stubborn. If I let my family to then I can keep working on myself because I can't do anything better. My grandma has some really good wisdom regarding ego games. She said that she is old and she is tired of playing intellectual games to make people look stupid. I discussed the underlying content with her and explained the pleasantness of making others feel bad. I don't want to do this and I think she can expand on this for me. She is the most reliable person left in my entire family. I am still wrestling with this ego. I think I need to resist it less because I create more suffering and inner wars when I am resisting my ego games by judging them as harmful which they can be I were more vocal. One reason I stay in my head is because I am worried that my ego games will hurt other people and I don't want to do that. Other than all of this I am making some progress with analyzing my negative psychology. I am very grateful for what my grandma is doing for me and I can do all of this inner work only thanks to her. I need a better form of income before she dies. I also want a career I can be happy with. I am torn on this because I realize it is necessary to pursue money sometimes, but I need to work this life purpose course out. You are on the right track.

November 11, 2020 Today I had a ton of excitement and laughter. I was constantly laughing at scenarios playing out in my head. I continued the life purpose course. I think that excessively positive emotions can hold me back if they are not an optimal way of thinking. This has interfered with my school and college work. It may be related to autism in that I don't laugh in my head, I laugh out loud. This makes me look crazy to other people or they think I'm high. I am not truly happy and fulfilled this way. This also led to self deception to justify staying locked in my head. I am starting to see where I need to put some effort to prevent my mood swings and design a healthier psyche. Excessively positive emotions are not sustainable and lead to crashes. I also played video games with Charlie and we defeated ganondorf in twilight princess. We also completed a the game with all poes, all heart containers, and all item upgrades. This is considered 100%. There were some chests that were not opened, but they only had extra money. We already maxed out the wallet anyway. The new version corrected this by adding another wallet upgrade. You have a ton of work to do. Your psychological problems have been influencing your life greatly and they are hurting you. Further meditation and self reflection is how I will make the suffering stop.

November 9-10 Sorry I forgot to type a couple days. I get really tired at night now, but I still wake up early. I met with my psychologist and we talked about the line between thought and behavior. He said that I don't show signs of acting on these thoughts. He also told me about alternative activities for my destructive thoughts. I started taking free online courses and they give me new ways of thinking. I can go back to college for business in January. My objective for going to college is to help me gain financial independence to cover myself for any survival needs that could possibly limit my personal growth. I do not have a clear business plan though. I am not sure what kind of business I should make. In any case I want creative autonomy in my work. Video games might offer that. I have continued to question all of my masks and personas. I am often deeply inauthentic when operating under these masks and I can more clearly see the possibility of selflessness. All of my desires are not really musts if they are fundamentally groundless. I do not know how truth would change my life. I am also appreciative of the thoughts that often fill my mind. I recognize how they are attempting to serve my survival and by attempting to choose truth over survival in the way I have, I only become at war with myself. In this process I have let go of other masks and premises I operate under. The function of holding onto guilt is to keep me from doing something socially disadvantageous. It is still a mask. The truth would remove a lot of this suffering. If I say I care about the truth, it creates another identity. I am not very curious about metaphysics because it often looks impractical and I don't want mental masturbation. I'm still selfish and I want something that can change my life for the better. I can continue studying many courses until my mind is open enough to these possibilities. If I had enough money I would travel and try psychedelics. Cover your bases and live the best life possible.

November 8, 2020 I basically typed my daily report for my psychologist already. I can briefly go over the normal stuff and then tell you the interesting parts. I went to work at 6, forgot to take my anxiety pills, and i was fine. I went to the woods to meditate. I further contemplated my self-sacrificing mindset and I found that I had the limiting belief that I am unable to get what I want. I therefore pursue the lower level joy of helping other people get what they want at my expense. This contributes to a depressing outlook on life and leads to my fantasies about becoming a parent even though I would rather build the best possible life for myself rather than give up everything for a child to live a better life than me. My mind tells me that it is too late and I was hurt too much by my psychological problems. I am still 22, yet this is a stubborn thought that I could be much more empowered without. This mindset makes it very difficult to find my life purpose if I think that I am doomed to fail no matter what. I need a significant paradigm shift if I want to live the best life possible. This can stop a good chunk of my depressing outlook on life and relieve a ton of my inner stress and conflicts. I would love to do that because it would change a lot for me. I will continue to seek a better way of thinking as I pick myself back up. I destroy my interest in everything if I am self-sacrificing. I am ready for a better life.

November 6-7 2020 Yesterday was my birthday, I turned 22. My mind flew completely off the wire again and I was fighting with depression, hatred, and suicidal thoughts. At first I was starving for the pizza, but I started getting sick to my stomach after eating 5 pieces. I should have skipped dessert. I felt dehydrated and exhausted. I was too tired to take a shower so I went to bed immediately. All night I was fighting with depression. My sisters think I have something called "teretz" because of my sudden muscle spasms and jolts of energy. We struggled to find a reason for my destructive thoughts. I didn't sleep well at all last night in spite of the melatonin. I think the tablet makes depression worse and I keep breathing heavily. I had suicidal thoughts for ten hours in which I could have been sleeping. I am about to update my weekly report for my psychologist. The next day the destructive thoughts continued. I barely ate any breakfast and I skipped dinner. I felt like throwing up. I am still dehydrated. I don't want to keep blaming myself for all of these thoughts. It is designed to be counterproductive and it hurts. I went to the woods to meditate as I hoped to get to the root of all of this anger and destructive thinking. Eventually I remembered that anger is an inauthentic emotion of it is denial that I have been hurt. Moral anxiety became less of a problem, but the hatred did not go away. I became far more peaceful when I recognized how I was in denial that I was hurt in my efforts to be a good person. This includes the fact that I tried to craft various perspectives in case somebody found it helpful and life transforming. I helped a few people like this, but the worldviews that play over and over in my head are to maintain arguments and perspectives that are irrelevant to me. This includes all of the thoughts I have been having about religion even though I cannot get a good life from criticizing all of this. These perspectives are useless for me and they only existed to help other people who were curious. There was too much suffering that came from maintaining ideologies and perspectives and I don't want to participate in that. My anger began to subside when I acknowledged how I hurt myself in trying to be good. From a more peaceful state of mind, I Finally finished the exercises i was doing. I questioned My negative motives for values such as truth and honesty such as my fear of living in a false reality. My mood swings are making me doubt the results, but I will follow through with the course after I share my week one report with the psychologist. I have some anger in me still, but it is not as intense after the brief inner peace I experienced. Sometimes I feel like I can't understand myself and I can't stop all of this insanity that I am going through. I am not giving up. I want to get to the root cause of my psychological problems. I refuse to allow myself this kind of life. I am doing everything I can to become the best human being I can possibly be. I will sort through everything that could possibly be causing me psychological trauma. My suicidal thoughts have been going on since high school. I will never let you kill yourself.

November 5, 2020 I worked for eight hours today. I was hungry because I started work around the time I should be eating lunch. My friend helped me to get better with the cart manager while I was there. Many of my thoughts surrounded moral anxiety. I started questioning my previous coping mechanisms and I found a better way to deal thoughts I don't like. The point is simply to acknowledge curiosity. I am not really bad and I can forgive myself if I am only curious. This includes morbid, destructive, and sexual thoughts. All of it contributes to dishonesty when I don't want to tell people what I'm thinking about. This method was helpful for weakening the patterns. I also think this is related to the problematic duality of good and evil. I am constantly incomplete if good does not include evil. All masks become inauthentic if I must deny anything that makes the character seem inconsistent. I am more peaceful and happy without the extra internet. I will admit that for the end of the day, I did get bored and I used my tablet to kill one hour. I had more fun typing my book. This is especially true for chess club. Typing is extremely fun when I write about chess because I love writing and chess. I'm glad to see some progress is happening. You were always enough. I am judging myself a little for thinking I'm slow, but it works. I'm upset because of how much I suffered over all of this. I guess in hindsight it is obvious.

November 4, 2020 I continued staying off my tablet for entertainment. I am honestly a little happier now than I was before. I make myself depressed when I do that. I would like to continue what I'm doing. I also have a weekly diary for my psychologist that goes into detail about what kind of thoughts I am having. Today my thoughts were along the lines of if I really love the truth, then I need to ensure that money does not run my life as I love paycheck to paycheck as a wage slave. I want to have creative autonomy in my work and I want to be well off enough to travel and organize meditation retreats. Kroger does not let me have this autonomy and I do not get to express my creative genius. I am getting better ideas of what kind of jobs I should look for based on how I want to express myself. I'm sure being a published author will help me out a little in the process, and if I continue to cut down on depressing entertainment, then it might help me accomplish my goals. I won't let you be a bullshitter because I love you too much. Fix your psychology and do what must be done.

November 3, 2020 I had a day off work and I didn't do much. I fell back to my old habits of being on electronics all day. I push myself to learn and read because this gives me nothing concrete. I don't feel like hedonic adaptation works for me when it comes to YouTube and videogames. I did play Zelda with Charlie and we found the last heart piece. I voted for this election. Many of the candidates I left blank because I didn't know enough about them. The same goes for the unclear tax levies that didn't make sense. They looked almost identical so I didn't vote on those. I did vote for Biden though. I wasn't impressed by the two third party candidates. I told myself to be realistic and I don't know if this is what you would call conscious politics. I voted like an average American. When I think about getting off the tablet I noticed self destructive thoughts again. If this causes depression, and I am more peaceful when I minimize internet, then it makes sense for me to experiment with this. I'm going to try using internet only for this journal and my book. I have thoughts like I hate myself when I spend all day on electronics. I hope the experiment works well.

November 2, 2020 I had my first call with the doctor. The internet started acting stupid so we had to use the phone instead. We covered a lot of simple information about where I live. He asked me how I intend for these sessions to help me. I told him this was my first time in counselling ever. I sent him the 35 pages about me. I mentioned the suicidal thoughts that kept coming up. He told me to try progressive muscle relaxation and journaling about the thoughts that keep me up at night. I noticed that the more peaceful my mind the better I sleep. What ever is causing my self destructive thoughts, I am hoping that I have him enough information to work with in that essay to figure it out. I covered almost anything that could possibly be causing me psychological trauma. My grandma does not know how to begin to respond to everything I wrote for her. She needs time to write a response. Meanwhile my mom has the copy of the essay. I have some confessions in there that I never told her. I am doing my best to find whatever is causing my depression, but my mind is still conflicted. It is possible that I am hurting myself through focusing to much on truth. I am not balanced if I swing the pendulum too far in this direction, and this may only need to be a smaller part of my life. I did this because I thought it was good, but I don't want to continue to destroy myself as I have been doing for about a decade. I feel disconnected from the rest of reality. I had a short work day and I warned the management about Monday. I need to change my availability for these sessions. I am also not sure if I should hold off on the life purpose course or not yet. I have worked through a little bit for drama that clouded my vision, but if I get to the root of my psychological problems, it may change my conclusions. After work I didn't do much. I played some chess and won most of the games. A lot of the thoughts I had were about my approach to understanding truth and how my neurotic personality has corrupted the process into hurting me. I am trying to figure out if this site is hurting me and if I should stop watching these videos. My psychologist mentioned that he heard of this site. I want to know what my truest bliss is without pursuing what I think is good at my own expense as I have been doing in college. This looks like a tough time for me. I know you are doing your best and I can be thankful for that much.

November 1, 2020 I added a few more pages to my document. I could still add a few more things. A lot of stress and suicidal thoughts came up. It was related to my phobia of religion. This has been going on since I was a child, and it was never resolved. Eventually, it faded away and I became more peaceful than I was before. I am now fluctuating again as I encountered a root cause of my suicidal thoughts. I am working on being less terrified of my similarities. I will need to sleep. I also expanded in sexual anxiety when working on my paper. I filled about two pages. I need to sleep. Sorry. Love you.

October 31, 2020 I did not do much for Halloween this year because I am still working on myself. If I have one note, I think the extra sugar is affecting how I think and I don't actually control it because I was otherwise totally peaceful all day, but it suddenly became harder. I need to sleep soon. I went to work from 6 to 1 and has some tossing and turning getting to sleep, but slept well. When asked by a customer about what I would do for Halloween, I told her I had too much going on with my family to to do much this year. I ended up having a little candy, but she prayed for me and said God bless you. She is a good person. It would be insane to create a shadow out of religion like I did before if they are good. That one comment helped with my personal development so I can be thankful for that. I now have a new method by which to detect the ways in which I am full of shit and I can apply it to my sister with good results. My emotions are a sign of perceived evil even if not made explicit. It has a hotter flavor and comes with inner tension and ruminations. The issues are more complicated and I am being simple minded and selfish if I operate under the perception of evil and judge accordingly. I fragment in the process of calling people evil and acting on this premise, poisoning myself in the process. I continued my self reflection after work and more psychological trauma came up. Some of my suicidal thoughts are linked to making my life about other people at the cost of what I really want. Although it is noble to look for the best interest of all of mankind, major causes should not be the center of my life because I have very limited influence in large scale issues. Some of these destructive thoughts are a consequence of being full of shit about religion and avoiding a paradigm lock. Wow. Anyway I learned a decent amount today and I am ready to go to bed soon. I didn't do much except add a few more notes for my psychologist. I am also becoming increasingly clear about my life purpose by undoing my psychological problems and toxic programming. I have a lot of work to do on myself. You did well today. I'm proud of you.

One more inner demon came up. I call it the wolf in sheep's clothing. It is the idea that people can more easily be exploited by the "nice guy." when people don't expect that you would do wrong, it can make it tempting to get away with something. This contributes to moral anxiety and pseudo happiness when I feel pleasure from being in control and having the ability to hurt other people. I wouldn't actually gain anything outside of feeling powerful, sneaky, or clever in addition to being in control. If I let go of this possibility, I could be more peaceful because I would not be at war with my intrusive thoughts of things I would not benefit from doing. I will also include my long essay about my psychological trauma. This is how I can improve my sleep. I am getting tired now. About Me.docx

October 30, 2020 I had a dramatic day. I slept well after typing everything out and getting to the root of my emotional problems. I printed the 30 pages out and shared it with my grandma. My sister did not want to read it because it was too long, but she still wanted me to tell her about it. I told her the truth and we had a lot of emotional drama coming up. She kept interpreting what I was saying as if she was a terrible person, but I finally managed to correct this. Meanwhile, I misunderstood the situation when she came to me for money suddenly. I now have a more complete picture of what is happening and we hate each other less. She also now understands that our petty fights are only a small fraction of all of the trauma I am describing. I could add that autism contributes to depression in that I try to act in a way that prevents people from being uncomfortable, but I constantly fail and my behaviors are interpreted in a bad light. This makes me want to manipulate myself into being different but I still fail and end up hating myself. I ended up crying a lot. It is too complicated to explain everything here, so I can just post the essay next. I think I made a lot of very valuable progress in understanding what I want for my life purpose. I had a psychological blockage clouding my view and I can now see more clearly. My sleep is improving, my mind and emotions are stabilizing, and I want a form of work that allows me creative independence. I would not like politics for example because the emphasis is on control and power over others. I don't really get to express myself completely within the context of an ideology. Instead I can express myself through impartial writing and playing a game of chess. I don't need to make the convenient assumption that truth is limited to one belief system because the function of ideology is to control outcomes rather than truth for Truth's sake and is therefore corrupted. I am proud of what you did. You did not back away from your trauma and you expressed yourself honestly. I'm the long run you are making you and your family's lives better. Thank you.

October 29, 2020 Today was a good day. I began resolving more of my inner conflicts by getting to the root of my emotional problems. I woke up early again and could not get back to sleep. Eventually I started typing more of my concerns for the psychologist. The document now includes a table of contents to help him sort through everything faster. I covered enough to get a clue as to what the patterns are. I can finish up the essay tomorrow and then just post the copy here. It is too much to go into detail. I think the core issue is my desire for control. I therefore hurt myself when I pursue truth because of my attachment that backfires on me. The essay will have the details. I am sure I made the psychologist's job much easier than usual while ensuring I get the maximum benefit possible. I then went to work from 2-10. I considered getting lunch, but that would total 7 hours of working and I would be left with the awkward 1 hour at the end of the day. I could still do that to meditate more. It is a smart thing to do. I didn't do it and I instead stayed on carts. My mind was far more peaceful than usual, similar to when I first got an answer to my sleeping problems. Ego back lash might cause the mood swings. Good night. I'm tired.

October 28, 2020 Today was a very stressful day. I woke up early and in a daze as I laid still. I forgot to take my pills at first and my phone battery is acting ridiculous. It is on power saver yet it is as though it has less power than normal all of a sudden. I don't understand this. This has never happened before. It has 5 days left last night. I did some self reflection and meditation. It came up that my surface happiness disguised my deeper depression. This can result in a split personality in which I am not really being myself, but rather putting on an act. I don't want to do this and I want to be who I really am rather than who I think I should be because that never leads to true happiness. I will acknowledge where I stand now, but it doesn't mean I have to stay there. I only meditated for a little bit because I had a lot of anxiety compelling me to move and go home. I also had some pain in my body. Some tears came out as I recognized that true happiness does not require fear of negative emotions. Total acceptance includes negative emotions in order to be real love no matter what I am. My love for myself is conditional if I tell myself I should be different. Finally I did more typing for my psychologist. I am on page 16. I covered existential questions, financial independence, politics, and religion. I have a few more topics I can cover. I have covered a decent amount of my trauma, but I could add a little more to guilt and shame. I think that my poor psychology is causing me to hurt myself by pursing truth and thus creating a vehicle for devilry. Some of my perspectives that I don't really know are true actually cause me a lot of anxiety and likely keep me up at night. If it is physically unhealthy for me to pursue the truth in this way, I need to change what I am doing. I remember that the truth is actually meaningless and I don't have to pursue it if I only hurt myself. If I don't clear up these psychological problems, I have placed a glass ceiling on myself. I want to help you the best that I can. Be who you really are.

October 27, 2020 Today was an interesting day. My mood was unaffected by the pills and I was still happy after better sleep. Starting with an early shift at 9a.m., I was offered a ride and got to work an hour early. I did a lot of meditation in the meantime. I noticed that resistance to ego is not as effective as self acceptance. The intent was to make myself more humble, but resistance is rejection and judgement. Instead I let myself feel superior and eventually the thought went away one its own leaving me more peaceful. Currently I have resistance to allowing self deception. This puzzled me for a long time and I think I need to review some older posts to help me remember more. While at work somebody tried to pay with a counterfeit 100 dollar bill. The managers were looking at it hard, but I could tell the paper didn't look right. I could also see how the paper was less flexible compared to normal money and the managers kept holding it up to the light skeptically. This was different from a dream I had last night. I dreamt that somebody won the lottery while I was at work. The prize was 100,000 dollars and the ticket said something like you are da bamba. I think "run home Charlie" is appropriate in these cases. After work or started raining so I did not stop in the woods. Instead I went home and are ice cream. Later we had dinner and it was some good roast beef. I liked the meal. After dinner I did some research on some upcoming political issues to vote on. There are some tax levies for my city, but three of the policies are vague. I don't understand them so I might skip voting on those and just vote on the one that makes sense. I also researched the third party presidential candidates. Howie looks the most similar to Sanders compared to the rest, but he opposes the party within the party. I am torn on this guy because although inflation is way ahead of what workers are being paid, 15$ is already hard to get through. 20$ minimum wage might be a little high given how much resistance there already is. I currently make lower than either of these. I have also fallen behind on the actualized.org videos. I have been busy with preparing for psychotherapy. If I watch the rest of the videos concerning libertarianism, it might affect my opinion about the other candidate. Jo seems to be concerned about the national debt. It has been increasing the whole time trump was in office and it is not looking good. She wants to decrease the size of the government by a lot because she wants to make a balanced budget. The national debt looks serious and it doesn't look like this country is pulling itself together anytime soon. This could cause some serious economic consequences if we don't balance the budget. I typed a little more about me for my counselor. I noted that one of self deceptions is that I am hoping the problem is psychological rather than medical because I am distrustful of the controversy surrounding the medical industry in regards to drug prescriptions. If the problem is medical and the doctors really are lost in the system even with good intentions, my issue may not be effectively resolved. I then elaborated on financial independence, college goals, and stress and changes related to COVID-19. So far I seem pretty honest for the counselor and I have a day off tomorrow to continue my several missions. I might need to narrow my focus because it is a bit much especially with the election coming up. Unfortunately the third party candidates still don't look that good to me, but they have a few decent qualities. I want you to feel the freedom and joy that comes from letting go of inner resistance and turmoil. This desire is love.

I keep compromising what makes me happy for what I think is good. I have done this several times. When chess made me happy, I compromised to go to college. I also discovered that I feel burning when I try to go into politics because I don't like it. I compromised to go into it because I thought it was good to see the greatest good for the greatest number and potentially help millions of people in doing so. I also was not really happy pursuing the truth, but I pushed myself because I thought that was good just as I did with personal development. I become neurotic when I pursue my life purpose in this way even if I am trying to be the best person I can be. I am never happy with this self sacrificing mind set about what is good and I have a harder time identifying my life purpose because of it. I think this also makes me ideological and deep down in pain. I feel confused and lost. If I go back to my aptitudes rather than what I think is good, it points me to bring an engineer of some sort. I never felt passionate about this, but I also never tried it. I don't want to keep swinging the pendulum and hurting myself based on what I think is good, leading me to defending worldviews i don't even like. I am considering following a life purpose based on aptitudes now to see if I become happier. What would you do if you were in a similar position?

October 26, 2020 Today I worked for five hours and had some decent sleep. I was pretty happy all day and I am getting back to normal. I have been over stressed recently because of my increase in hours around the holidays. One that drains me is how I don't like my job and I feel worse when I think it. I don't have to use acceptance to keep me in place. I want to focus on thoughts that give me energy rather than drain me. I think I would be better off this way. I have an opportunity to meditate on the woods tomorrow after work. I didn't do it today and I felt okay without taking the medicine. I eventually took the medicine anyway and felt no different. I also had a lot of energy today. It might be because of how I took closer to a normal dose of melatonin again. I then continued listening to audio books and typing for my psychologist. I have about 10 topics i could still write about to give him a more complete picture of what my psyche is like. Today I covered my masks and self deceptions. My money psychology could be better and I understand that psychological health translates to physical health translates to even more psychological and even spiritual health. The more information I give him, the better is what my mind is saying. It is possible that he won't read everything I write, but it would be useful if he did. I am optimistic about the near future.