trenton

@Yarco currently I am 23. My father died of cancer after fleeing the state the avoid paying child support and was a life long drug deal / gangster. I moved out of my mother's house because of domestic violence and drug addiction. Her other boyfriend has since been evicted. I am currently living with my grandma, sister, and brother. My sister still lives with my mom. Currently my family has cut all ties with criminal activity and my mom is off of the drug addiction. In the process my money was stolen on multiple occasions and so was the money of my siblings. This is the most functional our family has been in decades. This was following all of the fights over child support and after nearly a century of drug dealing since prohibition. That is when many of my ancestors became drug dealers and the cycle is finally stopped with my father's death. I will talk to my grandma about this though.

I think that my sister commonly interprets my behaviors as targeted at her when In fact they are not. My grandma is now echoing her words. Meanwhile my brother thinks this is far from the truth because I helped him talk through his suicidal thoughts and he feels better now. I get along with my brother just fine and the only person he has a problem with is my sister. When my grandma and sister say these things it is in reference to things like not paying attention when I am fixated on writing a book, getting a better job, or trying to start a business. Sometimes I get over stimulated by my thoughts and I get very jumpy and excited. This could be related to autism and it's nothing personal. My sister talks about all the times she bought fast food for me or drove me to work. She thinks I am ungrateful for these things. She does not specify what she wants me to buy her or how much, but I still give her Christmas and birthday gifts. I would guess I could buy my own groceries or something so that grandma would buy more for my sister.

I am currently working a book with a complicated plot. It is based on a real story about child custody and involves drug abuse, domestic violence, suicide, and more. I may try to cut some of what happened out to make the plot less complicated. Is there a recommendation for how much needs to be written in a novel? I will summarize the plot here before posting parts of the story. Sometimes I cry while writing the story, and I am interpreting it as it is a sign of a good story. I am a senior in high school in 2016. Throughout the year I am looking for ways to reach out for help, but for no avail until the end of the year. The main conflict is that my mother and father are fighting over child support and they are both trying to use their children as pawns to gain an advantage in court. In the story I side with my religious drug dealing father who fled the state to avoid paying child support and his new girlfriend. I side with my father because my siblings are in danger at the other house full of drug addiction and domestic violence between my mother and her new boyfriend. There is a separate, simultaneous case of domestic violence with my father and his girlfriend. Throughout the story the protagonist lies to protect the father who he falsely believes loves him in the hopes of evicting his abusive stepfather, protecting his siblings in the process. Ultimately the story ends with a true event in which I described the entire situation with a power point presentation for literally 100 people. People seem to find this story inspiring and I think it would it would help describe issues such as domestic violence, drug abuse, suicide, child custody, and many other complicated issues which are all in play at the same time during the story. People also seem to think that mental disorder such as autism and OCD create challenging obstacles in addition to everything else. The book has a mixed ending after all of the betrayal between the parents and children. The step father is evicted, dad dies of cancer, my siblings are moved to a foster home, and now I'm with my grandma writing the story. Should I write parts of the story in an actualized journal?

This occurred to me for a couple of reasons. One I considered the possibility that I could be projecting when reacting to someone acting like a pedophile. What shadow could I have that would illicit such a reaction. Secondly I am taking steps toward building my first business and I want to make sure that nothing is bothering me so I can work optimally. This one has bothered me for a long time and I think it takes some bravery to face it. I can trace this all the way back to when I was in elementary school. I observed the sexual impropriety of my peers during school and I chose to distance myself from them. I previously had participated in this as all the children around me did as well. This included gay bashing even though I would go on to have gay thoughts. Eventually, I understood that there would be consequences to the inappropriate behavior hence I usually sat alone in school. I still faced sexual harassment multiple times. Although I am not wrong that these people were acting inappropriately, I could be on some level projecting my own insecurities about my sexual fantasies. I think this habit started somewhere in school and it carried all the way over to today. I remember at some point I discovered that people think I'm hilarious when I misinterpret their sexual innuendos and change the subject. The advantage of sexual impropriety was friendship in pretty much all school settings before college. This is what left people with the idea that they could harass me in mid high school although there was more prior to that as well. College is the point at which intrusive sexual fantasies bothered me more. These were accompanied by greater anxiety. The fear of punishment or negative consequences from looking at a woman's chest also increased around this time. I remember one more detail which is that I heard It is a shame to die a virgin. This weighs on my mind by keeping It open to the possibility that I could actually be better off somehow by having sex once. All of the other pressures including time, money, and career development would not make chasing girls feasible. I almost want to try to brute force my way out of this and just push ahead with everything else I am trying to do ignoring the sexual fantasies. It sounds like I am trying to avoid unnecessary trouble in a neurotic way that backfires. This is frustrating for a number of reasons. One sex and having a family is not important to me, this is just easy pleasure. In fact one sign of resistance is preoccupation with sex because the devil's advocate with which I am familiar looks for an easy way to swing your emotions in an enjoyable way. Two it comes with a sense of not trusting myself because if I ever acted on any of those fantasies I would have been in trouble. This is likely the source of my anxiety. Thirdly I don't even have the time to be dating girls because of all the efforts I am putting into developing financial independence and self actualization. The only reasons I would require a relationship with a man or woman is for a mutually beneficial financial situation or it in some way helps with a greater life purpose. This isn't even about sex. As for pornography, I know about the book to break the habit. Porn addiction has never been a problem for me, but there are likely loosely related principles from that book related to sexual anxiety which is what I am actually focusing on. I still did look at porn because it is easy pleasure. The last time I looked at porn was at least a few weeks ago. I noticed that if not overused it can help me sleep. I think it is better to just always get up between 6:30-7:30 as it seems to help more. I have so many other books to read though and so much I want to accomplish. I initially said need instead of want because my family is also pressuring me. I know it can be embarrassing to discuss all of this, but I think it is necessary for my own sake as this topic makes me think "I hate myself." What is the proper balance and how can I build myself into the best person I can be? I'm not sure what to do about this. I am grateful for the forum and how non-judgemental people offer useful insights. This is the section of the forum that I have found the most use in for personal growth.

@kag101 that is pretty incredible if sexual fantasies stopped bothering you that quickly. I already noticed that thinking doesn't get me anywhere on this issue. Thanks for this idea.

@tsuki considering how I am constantly on a mission of some kind, it would be very different to look for things to do just for fun. Maybe learning history with my brother is fun. I used to play a lot more video games, but I beat them all. I get glued to the video games and focused on getting maxed out. The reason I stopped playing video games is because it does not bring a tangible outcome related to the grand plans. I still love playing some of the Zelda video games I didn't get yet. Many of them are free online and my brother and I enjoyed the minish cap. I played a lot of video games with my dad and beat him in those as well as chess and other board games. I beat him at chess blindfolded. When video games were brought to daycare or school I still consistently beat all the other students. The most suspenseful part is when I was equally matched with somebody in super smash bros. I made an amazing comeback despite being down one life with captain falcon. Continuing on board games, I like playing all kinds of board or video games which involve skill. I enjoy figuring out the best and most effective approaches to these games. This includes checkers and nine men's morris. Other people quickly get tired of playing me because I am adept at breaking down these games and figuring out how to do them well. I put a lot of thought into my moves, predicting what my opponent wants to do, and preventing their plans. I had a pretty interesting draw against my statistics teacher who claimed that she never loses. She was a good challenge in the block game we played. I tried it for Christmas and got the idea of occupying the center and restricting my opponents through expanding in all directions. My statistics teacher used the same strategy, causing us to wall each other off with a draw. Most people don't enjoy the challenge and competition and prefer luck. I like card games when I see the skills that go into playing them well. This includes games like rummy. I pay close attention to what my opponents pick up and put down. This requires some good memorization and improvisation based on the cards you are delt. Not only do I pay close attention to what my opponents are trying to do In the hand, but I take it a step further. I keep track of who is In the lead and who is closest behind me if I am In first to determine who is the threat. Therefore, if I have to give one opponent a card and screw over the other I know who to screw over more. This lead to a brilliant play against my sister and her friends. I suddenly put down a card which allowed my sister to call rummy rather than playing it myself. I therefore allowed someone else to go out instead of the guy who would have won knowing he was the bigger threat to me winning. This allowed the game to keep going, giving me more chances to win although I ultimately did not win this game. It was still an awesome brilliant idea and my opponents played a good game. Some games like Mario party require a lot of good luck with dice rolls, but I still find some ways to utilize skill and risk/benefit analysis. I keep track of who is the biggest threat so I know who to target. I won a nice game by making a counter intuitive move to not buy a star. I saved the coins so that I could later steal a star from my opponent, hurting them just enough for me to win the game. I also recognized when it was necessary for me to take risks because I would otherwise be losing. This was luck based, but I gave myself the necessary chances by holding out long enough like I did in rummy. I liked my timing with the items I used on the Mario party board. Timing is crucial with those items because they can make or break you. I played another interesting game against my brother and cousin. It involved drawing cards and trying to make connect 5 on the board. I set up some nice patterns, but my brother interfered with my plans. Meanwhile my cousin was trying to win so I had to make a few moves to prevent him from getting connect 5. Eventually, I figured out how to use the center of the board to its full potential. It prevents your opponents from getting connect 5 and sets yourself up In all directions. I capitalized on this and ultimately won. By the time I am playing a board game for the second time people don't want to play me anymore because I already figured out a very effective approach to play for a win against a competitive opponent. Most people prefer casual games, but I like the brilliance that goes into counter intuitive ideas derived from careful planning and considering you and your opponent's ideas. Other people get annoyed when I make wierd computer like moves they don't understand and end up losing badly. I could go on and on about all the brilliant ideas I found these games. In personal development I get the idea that I am wasting my time because I am not taking life seriously or pursuing anything grand. One thing I noticed is that video games often get substituted for YouTube anyway and it is getting boring.

@Nahm can you tell me more about Martin Ball and where to find him. I found a television actor who lives in England. Is this the Martin Ball you mean or is it another Martin Ball? Maybe you mean Dr. Martin Ball. He used 5 meo dmt and apparently got in trouble for touching people's genitals. Do you know his middle name?

@tsuki a playful personal experience could include playing chess. This is done partly with the intention of turning it into a business, but it also helps create a career I enjoy more than my current job. Days on which I am less productive because I am tired from work make me think I am not moving fast enough or I'm being lazy. This leads to YouTube habits and laying bed after work. Reading and self improvement is supposed to be more important, but this leads to self help with ants in your pants. Even in pursuing chess sometimes I feel like the significance of my work is limited. This leads to a sense that I am still being selfish by not focusing on what is good for the rest of mankind. A self sacrificing attitude is created in the process for the sake of being significant. Sometimes the joy I take on this activity is undermined by the sense that I am doing what makes me happy, but that it is somehow not the best. This leads to a lot of inner conflict, but I tend to lean in favor of doing what makes me happy. I would be a very different person if all of the pressure were gone. I am constantly on a mission of some kind and I want life to be effortless. This is the value which resonates with me most emotionally even though I seem to be doing the opposite.

@Nahm I did feel like that on multiple occasions. This is beyond just sex and includes pulling the fire alarm, vandalism, the thought of verbally and emotionally abusing people, and more. This is related to suicidal thoughts which I spoke to a psychologist about. He said I operate under a distinction between thought and action even when the line is unclear to me.

@bejapuskas I agree that I reject my inner child by taking life very seriously. It puts me under a lot of pressure to "live up to my potential." This is combined with the fact that I still live with my family, creating another source of pressure. All of this pressure also creates resistance. This gives me ideas like "must" or " have to.". Ultimately this is a way to manipulate myself into acting in a different way. I'm a little concerned that saying that won't be enough to change this because it is a massive blob which explains my whole life and psychology. I would be pretty different if I changed that and it would be a truer and more authentic way to live free of this manipulation. It seems hard to do, but I allow it to be as easy as possible even if it scares me. Fear is what manipulates me in this case. You are correct that I am not really projecting pedophilia. I mean something more like OCD. In public I often do act in ways people don't understand or interpret in a bad way. This is often linked to autism. I am often socially awkward unless I am with a good friend. As for porn addictions you are talking about people who look at porn more than once a day. I am not even close to that. I mean something else when discussing this hangup regarding sex. I think it is worth trying sex at least once to see if it makes a difference in this psychological setup. As for sexual attraction I am different from most people I know. My family and friends often talked about random girls they noticed from across the room. My father said to me that the girl was hot and if he were my age he would want to stick his d*** up her butt. I don't know how or why so many people get fixated on the looks of a random stranger. It is a distraction from school work when my friends did it and when I look at a random girl I don't get sexual attraction. I either feel repulsed or neutral. The same applies to super models where I feel neutral. It does not compute for me when people talk about sexual attraction based on looking at some random person. I did have crushes when I was young. This was before I knew sex existed. I have a hard time making the jump from crush to sexual attraction as my family and friends describe it. Maybe I could manufacture sexual attraction through having a close friend, but it is hard to do with random people I don't know. Sexual attraction would be something learned and practiced with someone you know like the couple that gets horny every time they are each other, otherwise I feel neutral or repulsed. This could be my learned reaction to avoid sex through these emotional patterns.

@tsuki my father is dead. When he was alive I was his favorite because I am male. My dad wanted me to carry on the Hamann name by having another son like our ancestors from Germany. He placed a lot of pride in me because we came from a family of criminals and I was the first after all this time to stay clean and finish school. A lot of This criminal activity especially from drug dealing worsened during prohibition when my ancestors used under ground tunnels to sell alcohol. He said I was the one to break the cycle, and like my grandfather he agreed that I would go on to accomplish many huge, great, and significant things. My father never specified what it was he wanted me to do outside of avoiding criminal activity. A source of guilt I had during my grandfather's funeral was the fact that I did not appreciate him for all of the hope he placed in me since I was born. My mother also encourages sex. She would usually support me regardless of my path. The one exception is pressuring me to go to college like the rest of family did including my father. My father didn't finish high school, but oh well. I'm not mad at him, I just laugh at the hypocrisy instead. I still see my mother every couple of days. She is often fighting with my sisters over politics. My sisters also get upset with me because I was dad's favorite and he neglected them. I had some mixed messaging from my parents with my dad sounding more religious than my mom. They both wanted me to go have sex for different reasons.

@tsuki you are definitely right that I am making up excuses. This includes financial problems, cultural problems, and others. Most of these are just excuses designed to cover fear. The only one that is of real concern to me is financial independence from my family. The best counter argument for prioritizing sex would be that it can create a mutually beneficial financial situation, making it possible for me to leave sooner. Breaking the fear of sex is a plus by going this route. That is something worth thinking about. One correction I would make is that I don't think sex is evil if it is two consenting adults. That is just normal. It looks like I think sex is evil when this fear sits under a Neverending stream of excuses. At least you do a good job of explaining why I would be in so much conflict with myself.

@tsuki The first paragraph is pretty accurate. I am prioritizing a sophisticated vision over biological needs. My frustration is that these biological desires are irrelevant. One sign of self deception is being hyper logical as a method for denying one's feelings. This is doomed to fail because it is fundamentally untrue. When I said that sex is a simple pleasure I mean that in the context of porn being an easy addiction. If you mean having a long lasting relationship, then that is completely different. A mutually beneficial relationship is very challenging and it is more than a simple pleasure. I definitely feel uneasy when approaching sex because of how easy it is make somebody uncomfortable if you misinterpret them. This is not helped by terms like "rape culture" which indicate to me that if I am not careful then there will be severe consequences if I make somebody uncomfortable. I didn't consciously develop a sense of superiority to cope with that, but it is a source of self judgement. The closest thing I have to an attitude of being superior is that I want to hold myself to higher standard than most people. This includes having greater ambitions and prioritizing those. It is nice that you picked up on this superiority because I probably developed it unconsciously without realizing. This attitude of being superior sits in the background of many of the events I described. This seems like an accurate description of the coping mechanisms. I don't assume that people are the same because the point is that I am different. This isn't actually true in the sense that aside from artificially constructed purposes and habits we have a lot more in common than we do different. At least for the people on this forum who prioritize sex, good job on listening to your feelings over deceiving yourself by being hyper logical.

@Preety_India I never had sex because it is not relevant to greater ambitions such as gaining financial independence from my family. If My goals were met, then maybe I would move onto this lower priority. I am unaffiliated with any religion. It is more likely culture based with all of my teachers in school shaming sex. They didn't want teenagers having sex in the public bathrooms and leaving used condoms around. When students acted inappropriately the teachers judged them harshly. I'm not sure what these limits would be. I know you can swing the pendulum too far in either direction. It can create a lot of unnecessary shame and judgment. I lean toward being strict because I don't want to be punished. I agree that there is nothing wrong with normal sex between consenting adults. A lot of repression comes from seeking greater ambitions to which sex is irrelevant. This is not directed at others, only myself. I want to be the best person I can be. I'd be fine with normal sex after I get away from family.

@flowboy Firstly, fair enough for what you said about elementary school. Up until that point I could say that we were going and attempting to make friends by getting people to think our immaturity was hilarious. I could say that for at least some part I do not need to judge myself because I am not like that anymore. As for the painful memories you are right. I wrote them out in detail and gave them to a psychologist. I probably need to try another psychologist. I hesitate to write them here. "Sexual impropriety" is not intended to be harsh, but rather it is a broad term in varying degrees. This broad term applies to any harmful action related to sex that can make people uncomfortable. Thoughts are not the same In degree, but I still get anxiety with these thoughts because of i actually do any of those things there will be negative consequences. This turns into moral anxiety. The judgement is that I am being foolish especially if this is irrelevant to any of my goals I deem more important. This explains the judgement even more if you add the painful memories. My parents didn't educate me very much about sex at all. My mom and dad were separated because of child custody and a lot of illegal activity. My first judgement about sex came about when my parents were fighting over child support. I thought that having children would be a poor decision if it leads to so many financial problems. although there is nothing immoral about having kids it would take my freedom away so I can't pursue greater ambitions. If I ever do have sex it should be with protection, and not just pills because I was born due to mom forgetting to take them. My parents also gave mixed messages about sexuality. Mom thought it was fine to be gay whereas my father did not. Mom was fine with me converting to any religion and dad was not. This is a little confusing. I typically concluded that my parents were bad examples for me because of all of the illegal activity. I evaluated my mother as the better of the two because she loves me under fewer conditions than my father and she did not commit as many crimes although they were still serious. The criminal activity between both of them usually involved drugs. My grandfather looked at porn and was judged for it. The judgement started with the painful memories. At first I instinctively wanted to pretend it didn't happen and it was just a bad dream. I didn't want to lie to myself so I didn't allow that and I listened to memory over pride. "I hate myself" is associated with this.

I had a break off of work for a while, but my hours are stacked again. I am going to note the differences in my behaviors. When I have a lot of time off of work, I pour a lot of effort into becoming a better chess player. I have a lot of energy and I channel it into studies, books, videos, and so on. I organized career counseling during this time and it is scheduled for the 30th to help me find a way out of wage slavery before it becomes a serious problem. I think it is insane that the majority of Americans live paycheck to paycheck such that one medical or legal emergency can screw you up forever. I currently don't make enough to live on my own away from my family, and I am doing what I can to accomplish that while doing something that I can enjoy. I become so focused on achieving my goals that I forget to eat sometimes, so I have to eat on schedule to remind myself even when I don't feel hungry but in fact am hungry. Maybe one day when I get away from my family, I can organize my own spiritual retreats to see if they really work or I could test psychedelics. This is harder to do without financial independence, hence I am looking for ways to build a better career for myself. The thing that bothers me about psychedelics is that I have epilepsy and the lights might cause a problem, so I may not be medically able to do that without a serious risk to my health. Now my hours at Kroger are stacked again and I am full time. I started having problems with sleep, pain, and energy. I move a lot at work and seem to have more energy than most employees who start slacking sometimes. Sometimes I break little rules I'm technically supposed to follow so I can do my job more efficiently, but it puts me in the look out to not get in trouble somehow. Once home, I eat something sweet and then lay in bed. I then start watching entertainment on YouTube for which I used to look at myself like I'm wasting my time. As I do this, my mind starts to gravitate toward spirituality. This originated when I used to watch Ben Shapiro, but I compared it to the value I get from watching actualized instead. That is when I started watching 3 hour long philosophy lectures over Ben Shapiro. My intuition told me that although Shapiro can win debates, debates have more to do with persuading people you are right rather than actually seeking the truth. Once I get bored of cat videos and such I switch to actualized again. This gravitating toward spirituality reminds me of my life purpose which I think is to help integrate overlooked insights into society, allowing it to grasp the significance of emotional mastery in our overly secularized society. I think the impact I am looking for is something even greater than that. I want to be the best person I can be, and then I start writing about my selfishness and immaturity. I start posting on this forum even though it can become a distraction or another time sink like YouTube. I try playing some chess games, but not as many because I'm exhausted. Overall, I become more self critical and I feel less happy with my life. It can lead to suicidal thoughts. That could explain how I get drawn to spirituality because of how I sense I am tearing myself down through my criticism, although well intended so I can be a better person. I want to be good and I knew this for a long time, but I have had varying interpretations. It makes me cry as I see myself doing my best in spite of my ignorance, foolishness, or selfishness. I am always trying to be good in the best way I know how and I can't really blame myself for the inability to live up to high ideals. This reminds me of how everybody is good and it made me cry. I then see myself easily falling back into selfishness by turning it into an excuse. I am seeking the beautiful thing that I manage to glimpse for just a moment every now again that leads to various insights about the nature of reality. One thing I focus on is the instinct to create excuses in order to get away with selfishness. Rather than blaming myself I look at the instinct and wonder what I would be without it. I would probably be more peaceful with less tugging at myself to not me selfish. I can see a reason to drop this tendency and I wonder how my life would look if i never made any excuses for anything. It would probably be awesome. What should I make of these patterns?

@itachi uchiha I felt This way about politics for a pretty long time. I learned about many different collective issues, but individually we have very little control over it. For example, it is incredibly unlikely that a viable third party designed to get money out of politics will emerge any time soon. You can have so many good ideas, but no clear way to achieve it. My best bet is that if you truly value justice, equality, freedom, and progress, and you really want to leave on impact on mankind by doing work that matters, then you need to make a political career for yourself. You could for example run advertisements designed to raise public awareness of ignored issues. A few examples include food and water poisoning and how it causes 80% of the health issues in the United States, the lack of business transparency in the global supply chain, or the prevalence of wage theft both legal and illegal. I don't really value things like justice and equality. It is important to admit this even if we seem selfish and mean. I am interested in education and I am curious about what mankind would look like if some of these complex issues were resolved. This is why I researched many different political issues until I felt that I was decently informed about the world. I often felt powerless in the process and never went anywhere with all the research and petitions. One point I would like to make is that understanding politics can actually be practical. Although for the most part you are not able to make a noticeable impact, there are little changes you can make in your life based on this knowledge. 1. 80% of health issues in the United States are caused by food and water poisoning. There may be forever chemicals in your drinking water, in the baby food, or maybe something else. You may consider filtered water or something else to improve your health because of the fact that the FDA and EPA fabricate data about the safety of the things you put in your body. 2. There are several methods for legalized wage theft. One is that companies set what "full time" means rather than the state. This is why some jobs could say full time is 60 hours rather than 40, then schedule 55-59 hours a week without paying you benefits. Part time employees are therefore exploited by scheduling close to full time, but just barely short. In order to discourage this practice, I pick up a few more hours for weeks on which I am scheduled 35-39 hours a week. This is done intentionally so I don't get benefits. Perhaps you could learn about other ways a company is exploiting your labor and getting away with it by studying politics. I didn't tell my boss that I am doing this over legalized wage theft and I think employees all over the United States should do this as well. 3. You might consider moving to Europe because the updated version of the FDA, less polarization, affordable healthcare, cheaper colleges, ect. If you compare the lives of other countries to yours and find something you want, then you may consider building a better life for yourself based on these things. I am not closed to seriously doing that. I am not being paid what I am worth at my current job and I would not be able to afford the cost of living if I moved out. I'm sure you could find other practical applications of politics of you look for issues in which you are a stake holder. At the very least you could become a fact checker for when your family gets heated. It might stop the fight, it might not. I still had fun learning history, geography, and international conflicts with my brother. How practical do you think it is to know that the Syrian civil war was partially motivated by a climate change induced drought? I'll let you decide.

That is a good observation. If I am having a lot of fights with my family or I am struggling to find a better career, then the frustrations could easily be displaced. For example, it is hard to stay objective and recognize that everybody is good in the middle of a heated argument in which you are a stake holder. If this feeds into your general disposition or mood, then you are likely to focus on the most frustrating aspects of existential questions as well. The ability to recognize this disposition could help you to more quickly recognize displacements and I can try that too. This could also be related to people with anger issues treating other people poorly not because those people are bad, but because of the general disposition. Maybe it applies to depression as well if you develop a victim mentality in your worldview as a consequence of poor psychology in other aspects of your life. This can lead to blaming, scapegoating, and a sense of powerlessness.

I have watched many actualized videos including the life purpose course and there are some exercises I intend to review after this message. On many occasions Leo and other people on this forum can mention that meaning is imaginary. There is nothing wrong with the teaching itself and it seems logically straight forward. However, a common source of self deception I am familiar with is to pretend that I am hyper logical rather than emotional, which is itself a fear based reaction encouraging a lack of emotional awareness. I have even watched the video on coping with nihilism, but it still did not get through to me even though it logically makes sense. There are various consequences of my incomplete integration of the truths in nihilism. One includes my need to be obsessed, laser focused, on a mission, seeking goals, ect. There is nothing wrong with the passion that I find in things like chess, but deep in my psyche there is a subtle weight that eats away at my joy as I push myself more and more. In a since I am not wrong if such a focus is necessary to become a professional, but I could enjoy the work even more if I were to properly cope with meaninglessness even though hearing the positive framing didn't quite do it for me. A second consequence can be the fact that I was drawn to politics so much. Again I am seeking a way to live my life a way that is significant and matters even though action on the issues feels hollow to me. Perhaps it is a reminder of the deeper issue that if my struggle with meaninglessness is not fully resolved, then I will be seeking meaning where it is not. In this case meaning comes from me imagining that the needs of mankind take priority over my own happiness. This becomes a self sacrifice for society. The fundamental fear at play is that I am seeking survival. Survival requires me to have some kind of values to pursue or else I would just do nothing. I also am operating under the assumption that not thinking some pursuit is meaningful would make me feel less passionate about doing it. At the same time I am starting to see it in a more empowering way of I think of it like "I am the source of meaning.". The underlined sentence seems to be resonating with me. Similarly with chess mastery I could say that I am making the pursuit meaningful. Perhaps the positive framing is starting to get through to me if I don't feel less passionate as a result of this. I will give this a try. If anybody had similar struggles with meaninglessness, I hope this helps if you can relate. I think this is a root cause of various episodes in which I feel deeply upset without a clear reason why. It can be frustrating if this goes on for years. If you have ways that helped the truth to penetrate your psyche and transform you in many parts of your life, then you could discuss them here.

@eTorro sounds like solid advice. Thank you. I found an audio book from Eckhart Tolle called the power of now. I was meditating pretty much all day and it triggered a sense of merging with all of existence through transcending time. It is a powerful book of you haven't checked it out already. He has a couple of other books I did not check out though. When I manage to meditate early in the morning, I feel much better throughout my entire day as it leads to emotional stability. I tested this before and I know the result. Currently I am swept up in many other things like working full time in thanksgiving, looking for new career paths, reading a lot of books, and many other things. If I could squeeze in just 30 minutes then even that could help out a lot.

Recently, I received 5 chess books. My behavior changed significantly after receiving these books because I am more interested in studying these books than watching YouTube entertainment. These books have been extremely effective in breaking my bad habits, and I have been learning a lot of new strategies and techniques. I have been reviewing certain sections to make sure I retain the information as not to rush the learning process. The books are very dense and complicated, so it will take a while to get through these books in a way that maximizes learning. The thing is that my head feels numb after practicing against the computer 95 times in the past week before I could Finally get everything right and understand why it is right. I need to know the most effective ways to take breaks, and when I should return to reading the books. Other factors include when and what to eat to improve my ability to study. I remember when I went to a tournament and forgot to eat dinner because I was so focused on the tournament that I could not tell I was hungry. This would explain why I start getting worse. Should I set a one hour timer for study?

@Preety_India interesting thought. I seem to be swinging the pendulum from eating a lot of sweets because I'm not doing anything. Sometimes I gave myself hiccups from over eating or drinking. I think there is a balance between these two and it should make me more effective at studying. If I am exploring my need to constantly be studying these chess books, then it is tied to becoming a professional player. This will open up new opportunities aside from working at the grocery store. It would also bring in extra money from chess coaching, directing tournaments, and playing tournaments. Currently I don't make enough money to live on my own just with kroger. In this way chess is my key set myself up for the life I want, living alone so I can put even more time into doing things I love more. Ultimately I want a better way of making money. Ideally I would be traveling around the world for both chess tournaments and spiritual retreats. Currently it is extremely difficult for me to set up 30 day retreats because kroger only allows 2 weeks vacation a year. If I want to do something like that, then I need to replace kroger somehow while creating new avenues for financial independence. Chess is one method that I love more than my current job. Thanks for the thought

@Illusory Self if you find a positive habit to replace your negative habit of works very well. I used to procrastinate all the time with YouTube videos and I was unable to break the habit until I received 5 chess books. This helps me in my vision to become a professional player, and I enjoy this more than watching YouTube. Like Flowboy said "vision comes first.". It is hard to motivate yourself to do something If you don't have a vision for what it could bring you. By the way, the life purpose course was pretty good and it is a valuable investment. Good choice. Just remember how powerful your life will be when you clarify your vision. The other method you can try is studying emotional mastery. It reaches you how to respond when you feel stuck, frustrated, and unable to motivate yourself. There are some books on Leo's book list on these topics which I found useful. If you like Leo's content, you can try replacing your cell phone habits with books you enjoy the most and supplement the vision you create in your life purpose course.

@Preety_India I didn't research the refugee crisis caused by civilians fleeing the war zones and I will have to think about that point.

Modern warfare can be an extremely difficult issue to research. There is often a lot of one sided propaganda that it makes it difficult to find accurate information. Furthermore, wars are hectic and it forces people to act from incomplete information. Nevertheless, I have identified some factors which cause wars, which wars are necessary, and which can be prevented. In the modern world, some of the causes of war include the fear of nuclear weapons, energy crises caused by disputes over oil, climate change induced droughts, and ISIS insurgencies. Most of these factors are preventable, but when factions like ISIS occupy large amounts of territories and destabilize regions like Syria, Iraq, Libya, and Somalia foreign intervention is often forced. The first strategy for preventing wars is for the United nations to agree to a universal ban on nuclear weapons. The United States made a serious mistake when the invasion of Iraq began because of the fear of weapons of mass destruction. The weapons did not exist, but Colin Powell was still effective in manufacturing consent for the invasion. In order to prevent mistakes like these from happening again, a universal ban on nuclear weapons could alleviate international tensions. This would also prevent events like the red scare, which could be caused by very powerful nations competing to control land and resources. The second strategy for preventing war is to switch to renewable energy. Since the 1970's some countries in the middle East like Saudi Arabia set up oil boycotts against the United States. These oil shocks caused energy crises which lead to skyrocketing gas and oil prices. This lead to countries from around the world competing for access to oil in the middle East. The clearest example of an international intervention caused by oil disputes was the gulf war. The gulf war took place in the early 1990's because of Iraq's attempt to control oil pricing through an invasion of Kuwait. If more countries switched to renewable energy, it is possible to decrease dependency on fossil fuels which caused these disputes. This is an extremely important step that will also help mankind to avoid water wars. Droughts are a significant factor in placing intense economic pressures on countries. For example, one of the contributing factors to the Syrian civil war was the worst drought in the history of Syria. In the future it is expected that water will play a bigger role in inciting international conflict. These droughts are linked to climate change which can be minimized through renewable energy. This can be accomplished through projects like building solar panels on the Sahara, providing energy for many different countries. This would make it possible to avoid economic recessions caused by energy crises, avoiding most wars in the process. The remaining wars which are hard to prevent are those caused by ISIS insurgencies. Currently, there is a U.S. Led coalition to defeat the insurgents in many different countries. A premature withdrawal of U.S. Troops could leave areas like Somalia and Syria vulnerable to future attacks at the hands of ISIS and other dangerous factions. One of the reasons these factions exist is because people like Osama bin Laden wanted revenge against the United States for all the war crimes the nation caused throughout the cold war. Osama bin Laden argued that the United States caused many events like 9/11 and he was justified in getting his revenge through these attacks. If the United States did not commit as many war crimes, maybe it would prevent people like Osama bin Laden from being radicalized to the point of threatening revenge through suicide attacks against the United States. One of the causes of American war crimes is the use of private military contractors in war zones. PMCs are not held to the same degree of accountability as U.S. Troops, but the incentive for using them is that they are cheaper and require less training. This enabled the torture of Iraqi civilians at the hands of PMCs as the U.S.dependency on PMCs expanded. The United States often used more PMCs than troops, like in Afghanistan by 2007. These trends have continued into 2019, and so long as PMCs are not held accountable, more people might seek revenge against the United for the war crimes committed. From what I have gathered it appears that many wars are preventable unless an intervention is called for to stop factions like ISIS from gaining territory. There are strategies for defeating ISIS, and based on the maps of their territory, ISIS has been in decline over the past decade. It seems that interventions against the groups are often successful and necessary to stabilize different regions. Although humanity may not be able to prevent all wars, it is certainly possible to prevent some of them through a ban on nuclear weapons and a transition to renewable energy while improving the accountability of PMCs to reduce war crimes and civilian casualties. By taking these steps humanity can make the world a safer place by preventing water wars and nuclear stand offs.