trenton

I have my vision board and I combined it with my life purpose, values, strengths, and goals. I included some of my interesting chess games in the vision board. The three games on the board are victories I have over titled players. I have two notation sheets on the side of the board from real chess tournaments. The rest includes affirmations, inspiring quotes, and three main themes. The themes are spirituality at the top, education on the left, and chess mastery on the right. Other themes include independence, freedom, the beauty of nature, money, and others. My most powerful affirmation on the board is "true wisdom comes from within." It is powerful because I know it is so. These affirmations are top and center. I also included a picture from my year book. I am the top player in chess club laying out in front of everyone. The board sits over my bookshelf and I can easily see it everyday. I will try to get a good picture of it.

This thread will be a discussion of different ways to fight pollution and climate change by holding multi billion dollar corporations accountable for environmental destruction. These companies are getting away with what I consider crimes against humanity because of all the people whose lives are ruined by pollution and environmental destruction. If you have any ideas for stopping them, then share it here. One of my ideas has to do with the fact that chevron owes over 50 billion dollars across 70 lawsuits in 31 different countries. In order to avoid accountability, they imprisoned prosecutor Steven Donziger and they refuse to pay the lawsuit he won for the people of Ecuador. Congress woman Rashida Tlaib of the 13th district of Michigan confronted Chevron on its refusal to pay these lawsuits, but the company continues to lie about the existence of these lawsuits. One idea that crossed my mind was to file a lawsuit designed to compel the company to pay for the lawsuits they owe. This would likely need the support of powerful public officials if it were to have a chance of success. Otherwise, the one suing them would likely be imprisoned on the grounds of false defamation charges. This In conjunction with the corrupt judges who fail to refuse themselves when they hold stock in a corporation is a symptom of a deeper problem. The entire American government is a corporate monopoly and the legal system is broken so long as lobbyists write the laws and manipulate the courts. The American government needs to be radically transformed by breaking up this corporate monopoly on the legal system in order to hold the rich accountable for their crimes. By bringing oil companies like chevron to justice it will help to break up this Neo liberal corporatist monopoly. This is necessary if we wish to bring about equality, fairness, and justice while protecting the planet from the greatest threat we face. How should we stop the corrupt oil companies? How should we transform the government?

I did some self reflection after watching Leo's video on why we avoid truth. I think the reason I get so fixated on building a business, moving out, or getting a raise is because I feel bad about the fact that my entire life style depends on stealing from those who love me. By stealing I mean that they drive me, buy my food, and pay the bills. I pay rent, but it is so little. I Even started paying rent before my older sister, but that is not enough. Even so I am still spinning my wheels in the mud and I am not getting anywhere. COVID is making it even harder to reach these goals and homelessness is worsening because of the disease. This also causes me a lot of anxiety that prevents me from working as effectively as I should be. I could pitch in more for rent or something. I will be losing money for years if i move out. I still don't like my job and people at work hate talking about how we feel our lives are wasted potential. At least I am willing to talk about it. I am also attacked by my sister a lot because she thinks I'm inconsiderate. Maybe the connection between being a considerate person and money is that I would be more motivated to stop stealing. So far my motivation for these actions are negative and coming from guilt. If My motives were improved, then maybe I would not be hurt by anxiety and guilt to the point of being ineffective at even achieving these goals. Maybe I could do these things because I love my family and I want them to live a better life rather than because I feel harassed and attacked and want to leave. In some cases my family agrees I am being harassed by my sister and she is in denial of it so I don't know how to solve that. Maybe it should be by announcing my intentions to my family. I am considering telling my boss that my entire life style depends on me financially exploiting those who love me as well and I want to stop doing that.

@lxlichael and I plan to make it an awesome dream.

@Leo Gura I am currently applying for new job opportunities that I would enjoy more. My career counselor just got back to me today because she was sick for a week. At least I am doing what I can for now. I am changing fast, but I could be getting impatient with this for some reason. I still have all the time I need to realize my goals.

@Jacob Morres @puporing I have been suspecting this for a long time. I see a lot of projection and I have reason to believe that it is related to out dysfunctional parents. There are a lot of things I have yet to attempt to tell her because most of it she might deny again and some of it I don't know how she will react. One thing she will likely deny is that she is jealous of my father's sexist favoritism toward me. She often gets mad at me because I don't talk much and interprets this as me not listening or not caring. I haven't told her that sometimes I don't talk because I recognize when I am about to say something hypocritical and therefore say nothing. I try to be generous and open to criticism because it could be a good source of growth, but in this case my sister is in denial of a list of problems and I have a hard time approaching this. As for the money situation I am probably confusing blame and responsibility again. I am harsh on myself and a perfectionist because I love myself. The least I can admit is that these self judgements are often wrong and could therfore be limiting my growth.

@universe it is very accurate to say that perfectionism comes from wanting control. Not only is this true for my chess games, but one of my greatest fears in life has been the sense that I am not in control. This happened a lot when I tried to be good but others around me interpreted my behavior in a way that made them uncomfortable. This left me with the impression that I will always in some way be incomplete so long as I am interpreted as bad from other people's point of view. The best evidence I have that I am not in control is the fact that I have a hard time letting go of the sense that I am in control. If I were in control rather than my emotions controlling me, then it shouldn't be hard to let go control.

@universe I am very judgemental of myself. The reason I do this is because I think it makes me better by holding myself to higher standards. I am often a perfectionist and detail oriented. I also pay close attention to my hypocrisy and choose to say nothing when I am about to judge others. If I don't judge other people then I can't be a hypocrite I reason. This is partially done out of fear of showing my true colors when I am at my least conscious in a heated fight. This seems to be closely related to thinking I'm a bad person which I know isn't true. Does judgement keep me stuck somehow? Why is it so hard to stop judging myself?

@Yarco currently I am 23. My father died of cancer after fleeing the state the avoid paying child support and was a life long drug deal / gangster. I moved out of my mother's house because of domestic violence and drug addiction. Her other boyfriend has since been evicted. I am currently living with my grandma, sister, and brother. My sister still lives with my mom. Currently my family has cut all ties with criminal activity and my mom is off of the drug addiction. In the process my money was stolen on multiple occasions and so was the money of my siblings. This is the most functional our family has been in decades. This was following all of the fights over child support and after nearly a century of drug dealing since prohibition. That is when many of my ancestors became drug dealers and the cycle is finally stopped with my father's death. I will talk to my grandma about this though.

I think that my sister commonly interprets my behaviors as targeted at her when In fact they are not. My grandma is now echoing her words. Meanwhile my brother thinks this is far from the truth because I helped him talk through his suicidal thoughts and he feels better now. I get along with my brother just fine and the only person he has a problem with is my sister. When my grandma and sister say these things it is in reference to things like not paying attention when I am fixated on writing a book, getting a better job, or trying to start a business. Sometimes I get over stimulated by my thoughts and I get very jumpy and excited. This could be related to autism and it's nothing personal. My sister talks about all the times she bought fast food for me or drove me to work. She thinks I am ungrateful for these things. She does not specify what she wants me to buy her or how much, but I still give her Christmas and birthday gifts. I would guess I could buy my own groceries or something so that grandma would buy more for my sister.

I am currently working a book with a complicated plot. It is based on a real story about child custody and involves drug abuse, domestic violence, suicide, and more. I may try to cut some of what happened out to make the plot less complicated. Is there a recommendation for how much needs to be written in a novel? I will summarize the plot here before posting parts of the story. Sometimes I cry while writing the story, and I am interpreting it as it is a sign of a good story. I am a senior in high school in 2016. Throughout the year I am looking for ways to reach out for help, but for no avail until the end of the year. The main conflict is that my mother and father are fighting over child support and they are both trying to use their children as pawns to gain an advantage in court. In the story I side with my religious drug dealing father who fled the state to avoid paying child support and his new girlfriend. I side with my father because my siblings are in danger at the other house full of drug addiction and domestic violence between my mother and her new boyfriend. There is a separate, simultaneous case of domestic violence with my father and his girlfriend. Throughout the story the protagonist lies to protect the father who he falsely believes loves him in the hopes of evicting his abusive stepfather, protecting his siblings in the process. Ultimately the story ends with a true event in which I described the entire situation with a power point presentation for literally 100 people. People seem to find this story inspiring and I think it would it would help describe issues such as domestic violence, drug abuse, suicide, child custody, and many other complicated issues which are all in play at the same time during the story. People also seem to think that mental disorder such as autism and OCD create challenging obstacles in addition to everything else. The book has a mixed ending after all of the betrayal between the parents and children. The step father is evicted, dad dies of cancer, my siblings are moved to a foster home, and now I'm with my grandma writing the story. Should I write parts of the story in an actualized journal?

This occurred to me for a couple of reasons. One I considered the possibility that I could be projecting when reacting to someone acting like a pedophile. What shadow could I have that would illicit such a reaction. Secondly I am taking steps toward building my first business and I want to make sure that nothing is bothering me so I can work optimally. This one has bothered me for a long time and I think it takes some bravery to face it. I can trace this all the way back to when I was in elementary school. I observed the sexual impropriety of my peers during school and I chose to distance myself from them. I previously had participated in this as all the children around me did as well. This included gay bashing even though I would go on to have gay thoughts. Eventually, I understood that there would be consequences to the inappropriate behavior hence I usually sat alone in school. I still faced sexual harassment multiple times. Although I am not wrong that these people were acting inappropriately, I could be on some level projecting my own insecurities about my sexual fantasies. I think this habit started somewhere in school and it carried all the way over to today. I remember at some point I discovered that people think I'm hilarious when I misinterpret their sexual innuendos and change the subject. The advantage of sexual impropriety was friendship in pretty much all school settings before college. This is what left people with the idea that they could harass me in mid high school although there was more prior to that as well. College is the point at which intrusive sexual fantasies bothered me more. These were accompanied by greater anxiety. The fear of punishment or negative consequences from looking at a woman's chest also increased around this time. I remember one more detail which is that I heard It is a shame to die a virgin. This weighs on my mind by keeping It open to the possibility that I could actually be better off somehow by having sex once. All of the other pressures including time, money, and career development would not make chasing girls feasible. I almost want to try to brute force my way out of this and just push ahead with everything else I am trying to do ignoring the sexual fantasies. It sounds like I am trying to avoid unnecessary trouble in a neurotic way that backfires. This is frustrating for a number of reasons. One sex and having a family is not important to me, this is just easy pleasure. In fact one sign of resistance is preoccupation with sex because the devil's advocate with which I am familiar looks for an easy way to swing your emotions in an enjoyable way. Two it comes with a sense of not trusting myself because if I ever acted on any of those fantasies I would have been in trouble. This is likely the source of my anxiety. Thirdly I don't even have the time to be dating girls because of all the efforts I am putting into developing financial independence and self actualization. The only reasons I would require a relationship with a man or woman is for a mutually beneficial financial situation or it in some way helps with a greater life purpose. This isn't even about sex. As for pornography, I know about the book to break the habit. Porn addiction has never been a problem for me, but there are likely loosely related principles from that book related to sexual anxiety which is what I am actually focusing on. I still did look at porn because it is easy pleasure. The last time I looked at porn was at least a few weeks ago. I noticed that if not overused it can help me sleep. I think it is better to just always get up between 6:30-7:30 as it seems to help more. I have so many other books to read though and so much I want to accomplish. I initially said need instead of want because my family is also pressuring me. I know it can be embarrassing to discuss all of this, but I think it is necessary for my own sake as this topic makes me think "I hate myself." What is the proper balance and how can I build myself into the best person I can be? I'm not sure what to do about this. I am grateful for the forum and how non-judgemental people offer useful insights. This is the section of the forum that I have found the most use in for personal growth.

@kag101 that is pretty incredible if sexual fantasies stopped bothering you that quickly. I already noticed that thinking doesn't get me anywhere on this issue. Thanks for this idea.

@tsuki considering how I am constantly on a mission of some kind, it would be very different to look for things to do just for fun. Maybe learning history with my brother is fun. I used to play a lot more video games, but I beat them all. I get glued to the video games and focused on getting maxed out. The reason I stopped playing video games is because it does not bring a tangible outcome related to the grand plans. I still love playing some of the Zelda video games I didn't get yet. Many of them are free online and my brother and I enjoyed the minish cap. I played a lot of video games with my dad and beat him in those as well as chess and other board games. I beat him at chess blindfolded. When video games were brought to daycare or school I still consistently beat all the other students. The most suspenseful part is when I was equally matched with somebody in super smash bros. I made an amazing comeback despite being down one life with captain falcon. Continuing on board games, I like playing all kinds of board or video games which involve skill. I enjoy figuring out the best and most effective approaches to these games. This includes checkers and nine men's morris. Other people quickly get tired of playing me because I am adept at breaking down these games and figuring out how to do them well. I put a lot of thought into my moves, predicting what my opponent wants to do, and preventing their plans. I had a pretty interesting draw against my statistics teacher who claimed that she never loses. She was a good challenge in the block game we played. I tried it for Christmas and got the idea of occupying the center and restricting my opponents through expanding in all directions. My statistics teacher used the same strategy, causing us to wall each other off with a draw. Most people don't enjoy the challenge and competition and prefer luck. I like card games when I see the skills that go into playing them well. This includes games like rummy. I pay close attention to what my opponents pick up and put down. This requires some good memorization and improvisation based on the cards you are delt. Not only do I pay close attention to what my opponents are trying to do In the hand, but I take it a step further. I keep track of who is In the lead and who is closest behind me if I am In first to determine who is the threat. Therefore, if I have to give one opponent a card and screw over the other I know who to screw over more. This lead to a brilliant play against my sister and her friends. I suddenly put down a card which allowed my sister to call rummy rather than playing it myself. I therefore allowed someone else to go out instead of the guy who would have won knowing he was the bigger threat to me winning. This allowed the game to keep going, giving me more chances to win although I ultimately did not win this game. It was still an awesome brilliant idea and my opponents played a good game. Some games like Mario party require a lot of good luck with dice rolls, but I still find some ways to utilize skill and risk/benefit analysis. I keep track of who is the biggest threat so I know who to target. I won a nice game by making a counter intuitive move to not buy a star. I saved the coins so that I could later steal a star from my opponent, hurting them just enough for me to win the game. I also recognized when it was necessary for me to take risks because I would otherwise be losing. This was luck based, but I gave myself the necessary chances by holding out long enough like I did in rummy. I liked my timing with the items I used on the Mario party board. Timing is crucial with those items because they can make or break you. I played another interesting game against my brother and cousin. It involved drawing cards and trying to make connect 5 on the board. I set up some nice patterns, but my brother interfered with my plans. Meanwhile my cousin was trying to win so I had to make a few moves to prevent him from getting connect 5. Eventually, I figured out how to use the center of the board to its full potential. It prevents your opponents from getting connect 5 and sets yourself up In all directions. I capitalized on this and ultimately won. By the time I am playing a board game for the second time people don't want to play me anymore because I already figured out a very effective approach to play for a win against a competitive opponent. Most people prefer casual games, but I like the brilliance that goes into counter intuitive ideas derived from careful planning and considering you and your opponent's ideas. Other people get annoyed when I make wierd computer like moves they don't understand and end up losing badly. I could go on and on about all the brilliant ideas I found these games. In personal development I get the idea that I am wasting my time because I am not taking life seriously or pursuing anything grand. One thing I noticed is that video games often get substituted for YouTube anyway and it is getting boring.

@Nahm can you tell me more about Martin Ball and where to find him. I found a television actor who lives in England. Is this the Martin Ball you mean or is it another Martin Ball? Maybe you mean Dr. Martin Ball. He used 5 meo dmt and apparently got in trouble for touching people's genitals. Do you know his middle name?

@tsuki a playful personal experience could include playing chess. This is done partly with the intention of turning it into a business, but it also helps create a career I enjoy more than my current job. Days on which I am less productive because I am tired from work make me think I am not moving fast enough or I'm being lazy. This leads to YouTube habits and laying bed after work. Reading and self improvement is supposed to be more important, but this leads to self help with ants in your pants. Even in pursuing chess sometimes I feel like the significance of my work is limited. This leads to a sense that I am still being selfish by not focusing on what is good for the rest of mankind. A self sacrificing attitude is created in the process for the sake of being significant. Sometimes the joy I take on this activity is undermined by the sense that I am doing what makes me happy, but that it is somehow not the best. This leads to a lot of inner conflict, but I tend to lean in favor of doing what makes me happy. I would be a very different person if all of the pressure were gone. I am constantly on a mission of some kind and I want life to be effortless. This is the value which resonates with me most emotionally even though I seem to be doing the opposite.

@Nahm I did feel like that on multiple occasions. This is beyond just sex and includes pulling the fire alarm, vandalism, the thought of verbally and emotionally abusing people, and more. This is related to suicidal thoughts which I spoke to a psychologist about. He said I operate under a distinction between thought and action even when the line is unclear to me.

@bejapuskas I agree that I reject my inner child by taking life very seriously. It puts me under a lot of pressure to "live up to my potential." This is combined with the fact that I still live with my family, creating another source of pressure. All of this pressure also creates resistance. This gives me ideas like "must" or " have to.". Ultimately this is a way to manipulate myself into acting in a different way. I'm a little concerned that saying that won't be enough to change this because it is a massive blob which explains my whole life and psychology. I would be pretty different if I changed that and it would be a truer and more authentic way to live free of this manipulation. It seems hard to do, but I allow it to be as easy as possible even if it scares me. Fear is what manipulates me in this case. You are correct that I am not really projecting pedophilia. I mean something more like OCD. In public I often do act in ways people don't understand or interpret in a bad way. This is often linked to autism. I am often socially awkward unless I am with a good friend. As for porn addictions you are talking about people who look at porn more than once a day. I am not even close to that. I mean something else when discussing this hangup regarding sex. I think it is worth trying sex at least once to see if it makes a difference in this psychological setup. As for sexual attraction I am different from most people I know. My family and friends often talked about random girls they noticed from across the room. My father said to me that the girl was hot and if he were my age he would want to stick his d*** up her butt. I don't know how or why so many people get fixated on the looks of a random stranger. It is a distraction from school work when my friends did it and when I look at a random girl I don't get sexual attraction. I either feel repulsed or neutral. The same applies to super models where I feel neutral. It does not compute for me when people talk about sexual attraction based on looking at some random person. I did have crushes when I was young. This was before I knew sex existed. I have a hard time making the jump from crush to sexual attraction as my family and friends describe it. Maybe I could manufacture sexual attraction through having a close friend, but it is hard to do with random people I don't know. Sexual attraction would be something learned and practiced with someone you know like the couple that gets horny every time they are each other, otherwise I feel neutral or repulsed. This could be my learned reaction to avoid sex through these emotional patterns.

@tsuki my father is dead. When he was alive I was his favorite because I am male. My dad wanted me to carry on the Hamann name by having another son like our ancestors from Germany. He placed a lot of pride in me because we came from a family of criminals and I was the first after all this time to stay clean and finish school. A lot of This criminal activity especially from drug dealing worsened during prohibition when my ancestors used under ground tunnels to sell alcohol. He said I was the one to break the cycle, and like my grandfather he agreed that I would go on to accomplish many huge, great, and significant things. My father never specified what it was he wanted me to do outside of avoiding criminal activity. A source of guilt I had during my grandfather's funeral was the fact that I did not appreciate him for all of the hope he placed in me since I was born. My mother also encourages sex. She would usually support me regardless of my path. The one exception is pressuring me to go to college like the rest of family did including my father. My father didn't finish high school, but oh well. I'm not mad at him, I just laugh at the hypocrisy instead. I still see my mother every couple of days. She is often fighting with my sisters over politics. My sisters also get upset with me because I was dad's favorite and he neglected them. I had some mixed messaging from my parents with my dad sounding more religious than my mom. They both wanted me to go have sex for different reasons.

@tsuki you are definitely right that I am making up excuses. This includes financial problems, cultural problems, and others. Most of these are just excuses designed to cover fear. The only one that is of real concern to me is financial independence from my family. The best counter argument for prioritizing sex would be that it can create a mutually beneficial financial situation, making it possible for me to leave sooner. Breaking the fear of sex is a plus by going this route. That is something worth thinking about. One correction I would make is that I don't think sex is evil if it is two consenting adults. That is just normal. It looks like I think sex is evil when this fear sits under a Neverending stream of excuses. At least you do a good job of explaining why I would be in so much conflict with myself.

@tsuki The first paragraph is pretty accurate. I am prioritizing a sophisticated vision over biological needs. My frustration is that these biological desires are irrelevant. One sign of self deception is being hyper logical as a method for denying one's feelings. This is doomed to fail because it is fundamentally untrue. When I said that sex is a simple pleasure I mean that in the context of porn being an easy addiction. If you mean having a long lasting relationship, then that is completely different. A mutually beneficial relationship is very challenging and it is more than a simple pleasure. I definitely feel uneasy when approaching sex because of how easy it is make somebody uncomfortable if you misinterpret them. This is not helped by terms like "rape culture" which indicate to me that if I am not careful then there will be severe consequences if I make somebody uncomfortable. I didn't consciously develop a sense of superiority to cope with that, but it is a source of self judgement. The closest thing I have to an attitude of being superior is that I want to hold myself to higher standard than most people. This includes having greater ambitions and prioritizing those. It is nice that you picked up on this superiority because I probably developed it unconsciously without realizing. This attitude of being superior sits in the background of many of the events I described. This seems like an accurate description of the coping mechanisms. I don't assume that people are the same because the point is that I am different. This isn't actually true in the sense that aside from artificially constructed purposes and habits we have a lot more in common than we do different. At least for the people on this forum who prioritize sex, good job on listening to your feelings over deceiving yourself by being hyper logical.

@Preety_India I never had sex because it is not relevant to greater ambitions such as gaining financial independence from my family. If My goals were met, then maybe I would move onto this lower priority. I am unaffiliated with any religion. It is more likely culture based with all of my teachers in school shaming sex. They didn't want teenagers having sex in the public bathrooms and leaving used condoms around. When students acted inappropriately the teachers judged them harshly. I'm not sure what these limits would be. I know you can swing the pendulum too far in either direction. It can create a lot of unnecessary shame and judgment. I lean toward being strict because I don't want to be punished. I agree that there is nothing wrong with normal sex between consenting adults. A lot of repression comes from seeking greater ambitions to which sex is irrelevant. This is not directed at others, only myself. I want to be the best person I can be. I'd be fine with normal sex after I get away from family.

@flowboy Firstly, fair enough for what you said about elementary school. Up until that point I could say that we were going and attempting to make friends by getting people to think our immaturity was hilarious. I could say that for at least some part I do not need to judge myself because I am not like that anymore. As for the painful memories you are right. I wrote them out in detail and gave them to a psychologist. I probably need to try another psychologist. I hesitate to write them here. "Sexual impropriety" is not intended to be harsh, but rather it is a broad term in varying degrees. This broad term applies to any harmful action related to sex that can make people uncomfortable. Thoughts are not the same In degree, but I still get anxiety with these thoughts because of i actually do any of those things there will be negative consequences. This turns into moral anxiety. The judgement is that I am being foolish especially if this is irrelevant to any of my goals I deem more important. This explains the judgement even more if you add the painful memories. My parents didn't educate me very much about sex at all. My mom and dad were separated because of child custody and a lot of illegal activity. My first judgement about sex came about when my parents were fighting over child support. I thought that having children would be a poor decision if it leads to so many financial problems. although there is nothing immoral about having kids it would take my freedom away so I can't pursue greater ambitions. If I ever do have sex it should be with protection, and not just pills because I was born due to mom forgetting to take them. My parents also gave mixed messages about sexuality. Mom thought it was fine to be gay whereas my father did not. Mom was fine with me converting to any religion and dad was not. This is a little confusing. I typically concluded that my parents were bad examples for me because of all of the illegal activity. I evaluated my mother as the better of the two because she loves me under fewer conditions than my father and she did not commit as many crimes although they were still serious. The criminal activity between both of them usually involved drugs. My grandfather looked at porn and was judged for it. The judgement started with the painful memories. At first I instinctively wanted to pretend it didn't happen and it was just a bad dream. I didn't want to lie to myself so I didn't allow that and I listened to memory over pride. "I hate myself" is associated with this.

I had a break off of work for a while, but my hours are stacked again. I am going to note the differences in my behaviors. When I have a lot of time off of work, I pour a lot of effort into becoming a better chess player. I have a lot of energy and I channel it into studies, books, videos, and so on. I organized career counseling during this time and it is scheduled for the 30th to help me find a way out of wage slavery before it becomes a serious problem. I think it is insane that the majority of Americans live paycheck to paycheck such that one medical or legal emergency can screw you up forever. I currently don't make enough to live on my own away from my family, and I am doing what I can to accomplish that while doing something that I can enjoy. I become so focused on achieving my goals that I forget to eat sometimes, so I have to eat on schedule to remind myself even when I don't feel hungry but in fact am hungry. Maybe one day when I get away from my family, I can organize my own spiritual retreats to see if they really work or I could test psychedelics. This is harder to do without financial independence, hence I am looking for ways to build a better career for myself. The thing that bothers me about psychedelics is that I have epilepsy and the lights might cause a problem, so I may not be medically able to do that without a serious risk to my health. Now my hours at Kroger are stacked again and I am full time. I started having problems with sleep, pain, and energy. I move a lot at work and seem to have more energy than most employees who start slacking sometimes. Sometimes I break little rules I'm technically supposed to follow so I can do my job more efficiently, but it puts me in the look out to not get in trouble somehow. Once home, I eat something sweet and then lay in bed. I then start watching entertainment on YouTube for which I used to look at myself like I'm wasting my time. As I do this, my mind starts to gravitate toward spirituality. This originated when I used to watch Ben Shapiro, but I compared it to the value I get from watching actualized instead. That is when I started watching 3 hour long philosophy lectures over Ben Shapiro. My intuition told me that although Shapiro can win debates, debates have more to do with persuading people you are right rather than actually seeking the truth. Once I get bored of cat videos and such I switch to actualized again. This gravitating toward spirituality reminds me of my life purpose which I think is to help integrate overlooked insights into society, allowing it to grasp the significance of emotional mastery in our overly secularized society. I think the impact I am looking for is something even greater than that. I want to be the best person I can be, and then I start writing about my selfishness and immaturity. I start posting on this forum even though it can become a distraction or another time sink like YouTube. I try playing some chess games, but not as many because I'm exhausted. Overall, I become more self critical and I feel less happy with my life. It can lead to suicidal thoughts. That could explain how I get drawn to spirituality because of how I sense I am tearing myself down through my criticism, although well intended so I can be a better person. I want to be good and I knew this for a long time, but I have had varying interpretations. It makes me cry as I see myself doing my best in spite of my ignorance, foolishness, or selfishness. I am always trying to be good in the best way I know how and I can't really blame myself for the inability to live up to high ideals. This reminds me of how everybody is good and it made me cry. I then see myself easily falling back into selfishness by turning it into an excuse. I am seeking the beautiful thing that I manage to glimpse for just a moment every now again that leads to various insights about the nature of reality. One thing I focus on is the instinct to create excuses in order to get away with selfishness. Rather than blaming myself I look at the instinct and wonder what I would be without it. I would probably be more peaceful with less tugging at myself to not me selfish. I can see a reason to drop this tendency and I wonder how my life would look if i never made any excuses for anything. It would probably be awesome. What should I make of these patterns?

@itachi uchiha I felt This way about politics for a pretty long time. I learned about many different collective issues, but individually we have very little control over it. For example, it is incredibly unlikely that a viable third party designed to get money out of politics will emerge any time soon. You can have so many good ideas, but no clear way to achieve it. My best bet is that if you truly value justice, equality, freedom, and progress, and you really want to leave on impact on mankind by doing work that matters, then you need to make a political career for yourself. You could for example run advertisements designed to raise public awareness of ignored issues. A few examples include food and water poisoning and how it causes 80% of the health issues in the United States, the lack of business transparency in the global supply chain, or the prevalence of wage theft both legal and illegal. I don't really value things like justice and equality. It is important to admit this even if we seem selfish and mean. I am interested in education and I am curious about what mankind would look like if some of these complex issues were resolved. This is why I researched many different political issues until I felt that I was decently informed about the world. I often felt powerless in the process and never went anywhere with all the research and petitions. One point I would like to make is that understanding politics can actually be practical. Although for the most part you are not able to make a noticeable impact, there are little changes you can make in your life based on this knowledge. 1. 80% of health issues in the United States are caused by food and water poisoning. There may be forever chemicals in your drinking water, in the baby food, or maybe something else. You may consider filtered water or something else to improve your health because of the fact that the FDA and EPA fabricate data about the safety of the things you put in your body. 2. There are several methods for legalized wage theft. One is that companies set what "full time" means rather than the state. This is why some jobs could say full time is 60 hours rather than 40, then schedule 55-59 hours a week without paying you benefits. Part time employees are therefore exploited by scheduling close to full time, but just barely short. In order to discourage this practice, I pick up a few more hours for weeks on which I am scheduled 35-39 hours a week. This is done intentionally so I don't get benefits. Perhaps you could learn about other ways a company is exploiting your labor and getting away with it by studying politics. I didn't tell my boss that I am doing this over legalized wage theft and I think employees all over the United States should do this as well. 3. You might consider moving to Europe because the updated version of the FDA, less polarization, affordable healthcare, cheaper colleges, ect. If you compare the lives of other countries to yours and find something you want, then you may consider building a better life for yourself based on these things. I am not closed to seriously doing that. I am not being paid what I am worth at my current job and I would not be able to afford the cost of living if I moved out. I'm sure you could find other practical applications of politics of you look for issues in which you are a stake holder. At the very least you could become a fact checker for when your family gets heated. It might stop the fight, it might not. I still had fun learning history, geography, and international conflicts with my brother. How practical do you think it is to know that the Syrian civil war was partially motivated by a climate change induced drought? I'll let you decide.