trenton

Lately there has been some bad news for Ukraine. Russia launched several more missile strikes targeting civilian infrastructure. The Russian army is sending just enough to overwhelm the Ukrainian air defenses and it is causing blackouts for millions of people. The Ukrainian counter offensive has stalled through the winter and the momentum is swinging in favor of the Russians again. They are making substantial progress around bakhmut, a heavily fortified city that is under heavy artillery fire. Soledar was captured and the Ukrainian lines are in jeopardy of collapsing. Further Ukrainian aid has been delayed in the European union. Meanwhile Russia may be preparing a second mobilization. In order to counter this Ukraine may need to mobilize more troops as well. Russia in conjunction with the Wagner group are overwhelming the Ukrainian forces by recruiting prisoners and sending them as cannon fodder to the front line. Russia is getting the upper hand at the moment due to the brute force and size of the military. There are further rumors of Belarus joining in on the invasion of Ukraine.

I have been looking into this topic. Unfortunately, I have come to the conclusion that sometimes it is nearly impossible to distinguish a devil from an ordinary person. For example, a psychopath can put on a friendly face all day and then suddenly pull a gun in you in an instant. The wolf in sheep's clothing is difficult to spot from a afar. If you look into a field full of sheep, then you will not see the wolf. If you have to walk into the herd, then you are already in danger. The wolf can jump out at any second. It is like walking through the woods when suddenly you get the feeling that you are not alone. By that point it is already too late. When the wolf strikes, the wolf strikes. It always holds the initiative and the element of surprise. Oftentimes you need to get close up in order to identify a wolf. The dark side often does not come out until later in the relationship after the the initial hormonal reactions. In the case of my friend his girlfriend threatened to commit suicide after giving birth to his son and now the state wants custody of the child. Spotting a wolf in advance is crucial for living a good life, but in practice this is very challenging. Counter intuitively, the wolf is often overly nice. The wolf is good at reading social cues and playing to your emotions. The wolf may give you gifts and flatter you. It is hard to tell if this is done in good faith or if it is part of a broader manipulation scheme. The wolf is good at acting like this is in good faith. How do you tell? Do any of you have other tips for spotting a dangerous man or a dangerous woman? This is very challenging to do, especially from afar. There was one instance in which a woman had a strong intuition by reading a man's vibe and she avoided going out with a serial killer. This is closer to what I mean by spotting a wolf from afar. How does one hone such an intuition? This is an infamous case.

@universe I mean the legal knight moves. Beginners commonly struggle with this. As for teaching chess I enjoy it and I like it much more than my main job. The reason I felt lost in college is because there was no option to become a chess teacher which would have made it easy to decide. My life's work is a little deeper than just the surface of teaching chess. There is more I could add to that later.

I just finished my lesson in pleasant ridge school. I set up a game against a computer and have the students candidate moves to work with. Apart from a few disagreements it was fine. The students were engaged and they were happy to help pick out the way forward. One disagreement came up when we were up two pieces against the computer and had multiple ways to win. I suggested a move that I knew was not objectively best, but was a practical choice to simplify the position to a winning endgame. Most of the disagreements start when there are multiple winning methods. The second one is when some students noticed my rook was hanging, but I ignored it and went straight for checkmate anyway. There are a couple of students who are confused about the knight moves. I might prepare a lesson for knight maneuvers so that I cover the legal moves for beginners, but also a challenge for more advanced players with finding the right route for the knight.

@Consept chess.com is closer to the USCF rating. Lichess is inflated.

@Consept I have made my first YouTube video for chess lessons. This is about common thinking errors in human thought and how it can be applied to chess, chess culture, and how you get stuck and stagnate. I hope this lessons opens doors you previously did not know about.

On the idea of detecting blind spots in paradigms, it applies even to board games like chess. Throughout history world class players would discredit the Sicilian defense or hyper modern openings. If there is social pressure around what what openings you play and in what style, then it limits the extent to which you can understand the game. In a similar case, board game players commonly discredited computers and artificial intelligence, arguing that they could never match human intelligence. Many world chess champions made the mistake of taking the limits of their imagination for the limits of reality. In one case, I detected a blind spot in a modern grandmaster and pointed it out to him, allowing him to make better lessons. I clued into this blind spot because of his emphasis on a source of authority like a chess book. Furthermore, he made seemingly sensible moves as if they were obvious. This prevented him from considering alternatives. After doing a deeper investigation, I discovered a novel bishop sacrifice. On move 14, GM Mesgen Amonov assumed white should play dxc5. Follow the main line in this study to see what I mean. https://lichess.org/study/b5voOvhK A few red flags for detecting blind spots in paradigms are as follows. I feel like this is a good lesson to include in improving chess thinking and thinking in general. 1. Harsh judgements, stereotypes, and scapegoating. Calling something or someone evil. 2. Appeals to authority, such as a book, celebrity, or system of thinking 3. Taking knowledge as obvious 4. Dogmatism, such as strictly following chess principles without concrete analysis. In fact I defeated a chess instructor by making several queen moves early on without developing my knights. 5. Confusing the limits of our imagination for the limits of reality, or claiming that something is impossible. How do we know for sure what is impossible for the universe? 6. Arguing against the utility of understanding a new field of knowledge. My sister argued against the utility of studying psychedelics. Many people don't think deeply about politics because they don't see the value in deeper understanding. This could affect how we vote. I think it would awesome if Leo made a video on this topic of how to deconstruct a paradigm. How to think outside of the box. How to discover the limits of our current way of thinking and how to move beyond it. If you can think of more red flags, try to add some.

@Consept I think I will just make YouTube videos while I'm off. This way I don't have to repeat a lot of my lessons to individual people. Maybe if I make a video I will post it on this forum later. I have many ideas in mind.

A lesson I'm taking away from this is how to detect blind spots especially in politics. Pay attention to the group being judged or demonized. In many cases it is because they are misunderstood. This is when you should be skeptical and do a deeper investigation. Especially, you should do this for the people you judge the most. You will not get these people on your side If you are mean to them. Stereotyping and harsh generalizations are foolish approaches to politics. The most important lesson to me here is how to detect blindspots within a paradigm. It can be applied to any world view.

I have a couple of police stories from chess tournaments. My first is when I was at walnut hills high school to represent the school. I was the strongest player in the history of the school and I was the first in history to win the scholastic series. I hesitated to go at first because I felt that it would be too easy. I won many tournaments with stronger opponents already. After the chess club and the teacher and principle insisted, I decided to go. There were 5 rounds in the tournament. I won the first 4 games without much trouble. The students were intimidated because they learned that I play in tournaments for money. In fact, I defeated the tournament director and won a few hundred dollars from that tournament. In between rounds I went to my grandma who was waiting outside the tournament area. She was looking at her texts and I didn't think much of it. She congratulated me for doing well in representing the school. After discussing how the last game went she went outside to take a call. I waited for my next game and reviewed my opening moves in my mind. Finally, the last round started and I won that round as well. I won the medal and was applauded for representing the school very well. It was time to go and then grandma broke the news to me. There was another incident of domestic violence at my house. Mom and Mike were fighting so badly that mom had to call the police again. Mike commonly yelled out "she wanted but heroin" to discourage her for calling the police in that she would go down with him. In this case, I was disappointed to discover that the police did nothing about these calls again. Mom had called them multiple times, but they concluded it was a he said she said situation and they could do nothing. Other people keep telling me that this is the exception and cops are usually better at handling these cases by separating the couple. I have a hard time believing this given that there were children who were also present in the house who could confirm many of the stories. The police must have been especially incompetent in the case of my family. Mike has destroyed the house on multiple occasions. The police were called multiple times and children were often present. All of this outraged me and it made me feel trapped in life. My family told me to focus on myself while my money was being stolen. I was putting the money I won from chess tournaments aside for college, but my bank account was emptied because of my mom's drug addiction that lead her to pawning the electronics to pay the bills. The best I could do to build a good life for myself was to hide in my bedroom with a laptop and study chess while the two fought each other down stairs. It was a form of escapism from the hopelessness I felt in the situation I had little control over. I often hurt myself by pursing the fantasy of a happy family. This was simply impossible given my mom's mental state, dad fleeing the state avoid paying child support, and Mike using my mom's crimes to prevent his eviction. If I had to guess why many cases of domestic violence are not reported, then it may be because the assailant is using the crimes of victim to threaten them. If the victim concedes, then there are no more laws in this situation. The law has no power. The abusive couple are stuck until they fear themselves part along with ownership of the house and possession of the children. I'm not convinced that domestic violence is continued merely through emotional attachment to the abuser and misusing forgiveness. There may be legitimate survival threats to the victim should they call the police and get themselves thrown in prison as well. For example, punishing drug addiction rather than rehabilitation. I could go on, but this should be enough for now.

I am making this post because of an event that happened at 2:50 pm today. I was going on a walk as I often do when I started walking up Washington avenue. Suddenly, a boy yelled help out of a nearby window. I looked toward the house when the window slammed shut and the blinds closed. It all fell quiet. I looked at the address of the house as I stood on the sidewalk. Someone moved the curtains by the door and looked out at me. I couldn't see his or her face. I wasn't sure if I should call the police or not because it could be something minor like a child acting up, or it could be something violent and dangerous like an abusive baby sitter or a kidnapper. Whoever was behind the curtain closed it. I decided to go to the police station and tell them what I witnessed, where, and when. I accidentally went the wrong way on the way to the station. I eventually found my way over and told the police. I have them my id and phone number. So far they haven't called me and I hope everything is fine and I have them the right information. I hear an ambulance outside and I can't help but wonder if someone was hurt. I will share more police stories later from my personal life.

I found some interesting statistics on crime. Apparently, the majority of crimes remain unsolved. An average of 40% of murders go unsolved every year. About 80% of property crimes were unsolved in 2018. Pew research has some interesting data. https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2017/03/01/most-violent-and-property-crimes-in-the-u-s-go-unsolved/ These numbers can be alarming. They demonstrate how limited the police are in solving crimes. There are simply too many crimes to solve and their resources are stretched too thin. Deeper changes to society are necessary aside from improving the police. There is only so much the police can do to maintain order and enforce the law.

As I am making this thread, I am realizing that I have a ton of police stories to tell. I might need to space these out and add more later. I have multiple home break ins, many crimes my dad committed and how he interacted with the police, domestic violence calls, and maybe more. Another police incident happened earlier this month, on the ninth. We were on the way to my younger sister's graduation, but we got stuck in an elevator. We hit the button and we contacted the police who sent an officer over along with an engineer to get us out. My older sister was very distressed. The rest of us were not panicked. In fact I took a selfie with my grandmas who were on the elevator with me. I told them although I'm stuck, I'm glad to be stuck with you. We sent the selfie to my younger sister and mom. They were shocked that we actually got stuck on the way to graduation. We were laughing, but there was a real chance that we could have died. My older sister was more concerned about the danger than any of us. Apparently, most elevator users die when the counter balance malfunctions and the elevator falls after which you can't survive because the impact is too great for the human body, the elevator is not properly aligned with the floor and people trip and get hurt, or the elevator door malfunctions and someone gets crushed and dies. Rarely, so people did just from getting stuck in the elevator because there is enough oxygen and you are not going to suffocate. You could die in that case, but the chances are slim compared to other accidents. Thankfully, in my case the elevator was lined up correctly, but the door would not open. Other accidents are much worse. https://wisdomanswer.com/has-anyone-ever-died-in-a-stuck-elevator/ Eventually, an engineer opened the door and we rode to the graduation ceremony in a police car. We had a lot to talk about over graduation and the celebration as we are lunch with the family. I pulled up some statistics apparently, 30 Americans die every year from elevator and escalator incidents. 17,000 people are seriously injured by this incidents. 90 percent of deaths and 60 percent of injuries are caused by elevators. Nearly half of elevator deaths are attributed to people working on elevators to maintain them and repair them. Half of worked deaths are caused by employees falling down the shaft while working. Many of the remaining employee deaths are people who were caught between moving parts of the elevator or were struck by the counter weights used to lift the elevator. https://www.cdc.gov/niosh/nioshtic-2/20039852.html#:~:text=Incidents involving elevators and escalators kill about 30,Labor Statistics and the Consumer Product Safety Commission.

@Osaid that story contains some solid information about how criminals act and think as well as what we should expect in police investigations. If people have false expectations of the police and they expect to get everything back, then it can lead to even stronger resentment toward the police. It's interesting to know that 3 a.m. Is a dangerous time. In fact many robberies happen during the day when you are at work or on vacation. Robbing a house at night while the owner is asleep runs the risk of the owner sleeping with a gun under their pillow. My dad had many stories about home robberies. One of the stories happens while he was working as a cook in a nearby restaurant. Robbers often walk around the neighborhood and gauge when cars are in the driveway and when you leave for work. My dad had a ton of police stories because he was a big time criminal himself in many many ways. My dad used to live in a house that had a small window looking into an alley on the side. Someone called dad and told him that someone broke into his house. Dad tried to leave, but his boss threatened to fire him if he left. Dad left anyway and lost his job. When dad came to his house he saw the broken window and a television laying on the ground. He figured that someone saw him, so the robber dropped the tv and ran off. I don't know that the robber was caught, but dad moved to a house without a window facing an alley. Dad had a bunch of alarms on his doors and windows and slept with a baseball bat next to his bed. There were several cases of robbers trying to break into his new house, but the alarm scared them off several times.

Another incident happened on Washington avenue before. I was on a walk on one of my days off work. On my way home I walked passed a three year old girl who was crying on the sidewalk. I walked back and asked her why she was crying. She said that she couldn't find her mommy and daddy. I asked her where she last saw them. She said that they drove off in their car and said that they would be right back. I talked with her for a little bit as I looked around and waited with her for her parents to arrive. Nobody showed up. I didn't know if they meant 5 minutes or 30 minutes. I told the girl that I wanted to get help from the police, but I wasn't as familiar with this area and I wanted to make sure I have the police the right location. The girl was afraid that she might be killed if she went along with me. I told her that I would make sure that doesn't happen as I reached out my hand. After walking outside of my house, I called the police and waited for them. We sat on the front lawn as I have the police the details of the situation. Eventually, two officers showed up and I directed them back to where I found the lost girl. I asked them if they needed me to go with them, but they said that they would handle the rest from here. Sometimes I walk by that house and people living there greet me. I see the little girl a bit more grown up now and I don't think any of them know I was the one to call the cops. They seem happy on the outside at least. I hope they arent neglecting this girl anymore and she seems happy when she plays and laughs in the backyard as I walk by on my walks. One risk I didn't realize is that other people might think I was trying to kidnap her. A kidnapper would lie and say he wasn't kidnapping her. I could have easily been misunderstood and thrown in prison because of the assumptions people would have made about my motives. It's true that there are dangerous people who would kidnap her, rape her, and kill her. Luckily, she ran into a nice stranger who was concerned about her well-being. I could have told the police I was on Washington avenue and that should have been good enough for them to ride up the road and find me.

@Leo Gura I definitely agree. As somebody who is concerned about my survival I often tried to find the peaceful route to minimize controversy and fighting. For example, some people are confident in theism or atheism. In my case, one of the reasons I took the middle ground of agnosticism was that it minimizes fighting. Pleading ignorance can be very powerful defense mechanism which maximizes your chances of survival in many cases. It is hard to prove somebody is lying when they say "I don't know" or "I don't remember" in a court of law. Sometimes liberals are upset with centrists because they falsely equate both sides in effort to avoid fighting. This is why people like MLK were very critical of moderates for "the chains of gradualism." In my case I take a centrist framing when talking to conservatives because it helps make slightly more liberal ideas seem more palatable. Centrism is practical in this regard because it can enable more peaceful discussions while gradually luring the stubborn donkey up the mountain with a carrot rather than pulling fiercely like a liberal while yelling "come on, you stubborn jackass!" the centrist seeks to minimize risk while improving society just as he does in his normal life. Liberals often argue that this progress tends to be in the direction of the right wing and this is what scares them the most. In response They argue that most Americans agree with liberal policies and the centrist is holding them as if they are as developed as the right wing. There is definitely value in understanding the centrist mind.

The past couple of weeks have mostly been a standstill. The Russian missile attacks continue to target Ukrainian infrastructure. This has caused multiple blackouts even in neighboring countries which share a power grid with Ukraine. Ukraine appears to be firing back deep into Russian territory, aiming for fuel depots and air fields. This is a risky move in that accidents happens and the Ukrainian forces may hurt Russian civilians in the process. Zelensky seems confident in his army's long range capabilities and accepts this risk. Heavy fighting has still been happening around bahkmut. Russian forces are encroaching from many angles, but at the moment Ukraine is holding the destroyed city. Meanwhile, Ukraine continues its counterattack toward kremina and they are disputing many towns and roads along the way. The United States and other countries are working to restore the energy grid in Ukraine and other nearby countries by sending aid packages over.

I will certainly check this out. I can see that it even Ken Wilber makes mistakes in how he analyzes Trump, then I could think along the lines that a person is smart in one way and foolish in another. From this point of view the goal is to sort out where a person's expertise is. If I have to sort the wheat from the chaff in many worldviews, then petty emotions are commonly designed to prevent fuller understanding. Thank you for your work.

@Leo Gura you mentioned Denis prager in the video. can you show any examples of him demonstrating healthy conservatism? one thing I notice is that the feeling of judgement that a person or group is dirty in any way makes my mind more resistant to listening to such people. If I want to be open minded then I can't afford to think of things as bad. Then again I see prager with the daily wire which misled me a lot before and as you mentioned prageru is full of straw mans of the left. I probably need to compartmentalize people and things more specifically to make my assertions less broad and general.

Actually, if you followed Leo for long enough, his position is that Santa is real. He argued that non-existence does not exist. If you have absolutely nothing, then you have something because that is the existence of nothing. There is no "Santa does not exist" because there can be no non-existance of santa. When you go to the mall and see Santa, existence is all that exists, even in your imagination. When you see Santa, that really is Santa. The U.S. Air force was wrong when they said Santa isn't real. Santa made them regret it. https://www.cnn.com/2017/10/25/politics/air-force-santa-claus/index.html I tried to argue with my friend about this. He is an atheist who was upset with his parents because they made him go to Sunday school and told him that masturbation is a sin. He said that God is about as realistic as Santa. I tried to argue that God and Santa were both real because the distinction between real and imaginary is imaginary. Reality is an illusion and so is everything you experience. Santa is one of these illusions, and it is no less real than everything else in your life. My friend then committed the pre-trans fallacy and confused me with his parents who insisted God is real and God is a bearded sky fairy who sends you to heaven or hell based on whether you have been naughty or nice.

I suffer deeply because of my struggle with understanding reality. I think many people in this sub forum may have a similar issue. We go to actualized.org because we are attempting to fill a void with spirituality, enlightenment, and so forth. Nevertheless, there may be a lingering discomfort throughout the rest of our lives and it may manifest in many ways. I will share my personal experience with existential problems and the consequences. A early example could be having a crush on someone. Sometimes we use others as a psychological crutch so that we can live for each other. This idealized romance is meant to give us a sense of meaning and belonging, and thus cope with the deeper existential problems we face. Thinking about this person can make us happy while keeping the mind busy and away from questions like "why do I exist and why does anything exist? What is the point of anything?" It makes me feel like I know nothing. Sometimes existential problems make us crave drama. I remember when I was in high school and my mother had an abusive boyfriend who punched her in the face and stole money for drugs. Dad fled the state to avoid paying child support and was now making partial payments through drug deals. Dad and his dad wanted me to be different and change the date of the family. This was a lot of pressure, but I played along because it gave a sense of meaning. Although the goal of saving mom's life and the lives of my endangered siblings felt hollow on some level, it gave me a purpose. This sense of purpose drove me to considering killing my step father. The existential struggle can ultimately drive people to murder. In my case I moved out and eventually did a presentation in front of approximately 100 people. I explained how I considered killing my step father and I felt that reaching out for help was often futile. This entire narrative and drama is fundamentally driven by a struggle to find meaning. I am finding means to get my mind to run with something rather than face questions like why do I exist. I never seen to have an answer to this because I know nothing. I create all kinds of internal dramas because of this. For example, I have some moral OCD. In a sense I must be this way because it gives my mind something to latch onto so that I can bring in the narrative of personal development and self improvement. In the process of trying to understand myself I create a lot of internal pressure. My mind makes all kinds of evaluations about itself even though they are always partial and very often wrong. I have this desire to understand myself so that I can be at peace. Lately I have been surrendering this desire to know myself. I often get very self absorbed and it makes me less interested in other people. This can lead to not listening to others when I simply don't care. I don't mean to be rude, but my mind is constantly in a different world. Part of it may be due to autism, but this deep existential confusion has been present since I was very young. I have been drawn to things like religion and politics for as long as I can remember. I sense that ideology provides people with a sense of meaning as they cloud themselves from discovering deeper truths. These existential problems seem to be at the root of harsh ideological divides in political ideals that feel completely hollow to us. My interest is to see what truth lies beyond ideology. Spirituality may be a vehicle to help uncover it, but most of us struggle constantly only to make gains over a long stretch of time. I filled up a couple of journals over the past year or so and it took a while to start getting serious breakthroughs that reshape how I see the world. Sometimes I think maybe psychedelics can be life transforming like I hear from other people, but I don't have this as an option yet. Sometimes I had suicidal thoughts because I felt like I was wasting my potential. I work at a grocery store rather than doing anything significant which requires creativity. I am more creative than most people, but it feels wasted. I am like a cog in a machine which can easily be replaced. At this job I see that other people feel the same way. They are unwilling to talk about it because the meaninglessness makes them feel depressed. I refuse to hide these feelings. If the deeper issue can be solved then I will not ignore it. What is the point of surviving for survival sakes? There is no point to just working until you die just to constantly struggle to get enough money. Many of my co-workers feel like they cannot change the situation they find themselves in and so ignore it. I want to change the situation, and others tell me not to beat myself up for not doing what I want in life and living a more meaningful life. I am doing my best to improve because personal development provides a sense of direction, but it is also a terrible idea to spend my entire life's saving just to move down the street to work full time and exhaust myself constantly. These existential problems influence every relationship, every narrative, every ideology, and many serious mental issues. It may be the reason that many people on this forum have suicidal tendencies. At the root of my psychological patterns seems to be an existential problem. I am taking pills for racing thoughts that helps me sleep, but it is a bandaid. It does not solve the root of the issue. This is a void I attempt to fill with actualized, spirituality, enlightenment, and so on. My mind will constantly latch onto something including this entire narrative I just wrote out. It too is partial and incomplete. All my life I have had this existential problem. People often choose not to think about these things because it causes so much suffering. I think about these things because I want to understand myself and the world. It seems the best I can do is let go of wanting to understand myself as my mind struggles with partial success over the years. it is sometimes painful to watch the struggle, but I know it is done in the name of love. I wish for nothing but the best for anyone reading.

@Juressic I would try to avoid people who glorify criminals as well. In practice it can be more difficult than simply cutting the toxic people out of your life. If your more developed friends are wrapping you back up with them, then you might need to make a more radical move and even get away from them or tell them the full story. If you want to be a conscious human being, then These are not the kinds of people you should be associating yourself with. If you truly have an opportunity to get away from this situation, then don't take it for granted. Some people are not as lucky and they can only dream about getting such people out of their lives. If red is so prevalent in your society, then your personal development could be undermined by having your identity or credit card stolen. I don't say this to scare you. I say this because there are people like your friends who would try to exploit you given the chance. If moving is not an option, then you might need to try something else to minimize contact with such people. Maybe if you know what time they go to the bar, you can minimize this further or go to a different bar.

Another barrage of Russian missiles hit Ukrainian power infrastructure. This time the air defenses were overwhelmed and more damage was caused than before. More civilians died and Europe has voted to label Russia's operation state sponsored terrorism. There will be more information on the missile attacks in the coming days. Heavy fighting is still happening by Bahkmut, a strategically important city that Russia has been trying to take. Ukraine is continuing most of its counter offensive operations to the south of Kherson through himar and artillery strikes. Sometimes parts of crimea are being hit. Ukraine intends to take back all of this territory.

I started using a new technique for self actualization. I wrote the statement in the title on a piece if paper and used tape to stick it to my tablet. I think this could be done with TV and computers as well. I feel like the comfortable life is seductive, but it will never cure the underlying suicidal thoughts. I have a lot of creative potential, but I have been poor at actualizing any ideas. Every act of procrastination breaks integrity with our highest values. I remember Leo released a video about being decisive. I think this is the sort if thing he meant by it.

@LastThursday You raise a lot of interesting points. It seems that a lot of people are shallow because they must be. If they think too deeply about these matters then it can easily turn destructive. There are so many traps that people can fall into and none of them know what they are. Society is deeply unaware that these existential matters may play a very significant role in underlying depression. I can see friction between existentialism and my work. I am a very creative person and it is hard to put this creativity to use. I have a lot of ideas, but I don't know what to do with them. Most jobs don't value creativity because they are made for people who don't want to think and just do as they are told. Other people notice this creativity, but I rarely make it real. It makes me feel like I have a lot of wasted potential. This leads to my creativity becoming destructive when I feel stuck. My greatest gift becomes harmful in this context. I can't stand to stick my head in the sand and let this life go to waste. I have a hard time shifting my perspective to "I expect too much out life and I should just accept what I have." sometimes suicidal ideation starts to emerge out of this for me. It is not as powerful as it used to be, but it comes up sometimes. I don't think the pills my doctor gave me will be enough to solve the root of this issue. I have combined this with meditation and writing in a journal, so I have become more peaceful. I have a narrative that is supposed to be inspiring, but it does not correspond to my experience and thus becomes toxics as if I am hurt.