trenton

@Inliytened1 I'm on it. I do the actuality exercise as well. There were a bunch of different perspectives from which the ego is an illusion that I'm aware of. I've been struggling to get these spiritual teachings to actually change my psyche. My collapse is not done yet. I am currently working on a paper to discuss a ton of serious childhood trauma that my family is unaware of. I have a chronic self hatred because I have been holding onto excessive guilt to the point of suicidal thoughts for about 20 years. I'm starting to get hyper active and spontaneous along with a bunch of intense emotions. We plan on seeing a psychiatrist in two weeks. No wonder I suck at spirituality. I'm still doing my best as always. We will see how much I love myself one month from now. I feel optimistic and hopeful and simultaneously deeply hurt because this kind of stuff can take a life time to heal. I've been struggling to love myself for my entire life and I have turned to so many different things with only partial success. It is starting to blow up like it did at my mom's birthday today. She still loves me though. The problem is that I act as if I need to sacrifice my own happiness for the sake of others. I'm trying to do something radically different from what I have been doing my whole life.

I always wanted to find a higher purpose in life. I couldn't do it. Everything felt hollow to me. I wanted to change and become a better person, but nothing worked. I don't want to be a shallow human being. I hate the implications it places on my moral character. It makes it hard to live with myself. I have such a headache and I feel a lot of anger as I repeatedly say "oh my God." This may be the root of many suicidal thoughts. I'll tell the therapist too. I tried to pursue love, truth, and God. I see no higher purpose than pure understanding. I was terrible at it. I tried finding purpose in educating myself and others. Although I left a positive impact by teaching people about emotional mastery, I felt that it was never enough for me. The same goes for teaching my family about self deception and the nature of the mind. We are much more peaceful now. Beyond that what am I doing? am I starting a business to get financial freedom? Am I going to college to become a politician? Am I staying at my dead end job that pays dirt? When am I moving out? How am I leaving an impact on the world? The amount of effort I must put in to get laid is ridiculous, especially when I see it as low purpose. I hate myself. I know chess makes me happy, but the impact I leave on the world is tiny. Any other purpose I try is based on the fact that following what makes me happy wasn't an option. I want peace of mind and I can't find it elsewhere. Maybe I can do it but have limiting beliefs, but that's beside the point. I feel like my illusions and fantasies are falling apart. I'm not the person I want to be. I'll tell my family about all of this soon. I still horrible. There is so much work I must do and so much I must change about myself just to get something so trivial and shallow. I want to be a better person and I hate myself for my desires. Any thoughts?

I had another important insight. I value being good, but for the wrong reason. I value being good at least partially for fear of guilt. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me. I will continue to observe what happens to me.

I find it interesting that my dad was also a star wars fan. Given his behavior, he sets himself up perfectly for the analogy of Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker. It's an exaggeration to call him the most evil man in the galaxy. At the same time his Xbox name was DarthG13.

The emotional support of others feels hollow to me. My father's love felt hollow and empty me so to does my mother's. I never for a second believed that they were good examples. I wanted to be good so I separated myself from them to minimize their influence. I don't want to be like them, but this led to emotional neglect. Although they tried giving me hugs and saying they love me, it felt like nothing. I have been depressed since I was a young child and it all felt meaningless. when people send love my way, it feels hollow. I interpret it as a good will gesture that makes no difference to me. Thanks for trying to be good, but I don't feel the love. I don't know how to feel your love, thus I feel the same. I feel empty and hollow. I'm trying to love, but it's hard to love. I have been struggling with this my entire life.

@UnbornTao I'm afraid that my desire for sex will cause me to do something stupid. I love women so much that they impede my judgement, so I want to avoid them. I'm scared of being overwhelmed by love. It's not sex that I think is bad. It's the stupid things that my desire for sex could cause me to do. It scares me.

My grandma's vagina is fucking disgusting. It was fucking disgusting. It has hairs growing off like a penis. Somehow she didn't realize I saw her by accident. And he thought I was gay. she told me men don't lie with men, but really it's her vagina that's fucking disgusting. I don't have a problem with vaginas in genral, just not hers.

I actually love my father. It just hurts to love him because he's a fucking bastard. It happens a lot in my life. Love is fucking painful and it made me afraid to love. I wanted to avoid the pain of loving and in doing so I still fucking hurt. I fucking hurt because I hate myself and I have been struggling to love myself for my entire life.

I get the message, but if it doesn't change my life then it quickly devolves into dogmatism. This entire forum is dogmatic about Leo's perspective already. We use spiral dynamics all the time. We stress the truth of no self or the truth of God all the time even though most of us never realized it. All of this could easily be turned into another religion and many of us are in denial that spirituality is not working despite Leo's best efforts to be good.

@Sugarcoat your entire post described me very accurately. I constantly imagined myself as very social and charismatic because I hated myself and I think I can't do it. I fail all the time even though I'm trying to be good. It is so fucking painful. People tell me to accept myself, but they don't accept me because I hurt them without wanting to. It is fucking painful and it makes me hate myself. I want to be different, but I can't. It hurts.

@Sincerity you have no idea how much that means to me. Thank you. As for my father, my favorite thing about him is that he's dead. The joy he brought to the family by dying was good. I'm grateful for that.

@jimwell thank you very much. I considered killing myself because of the fear that I would murder my step father. I understood that I would rather die than become a monster. It seems that I felt like I was a terrible person due to some kind of childhood imprinting. I believed I didn't have the freedom to not be like my father. There is the whole narrative about me carrying on my father's name, but it's ridiculous, I never believed it. Basically, the entire family has been full of criminals for a very long time. He and his father were hoping that one day the cycle would end. They placed their hope on me. I'm not carrying their name though.

I tried. I didn't finish the forgiveness video. It's difficult. There is a lot of intense emotions that I don't have the energy to deal with. There's a lot of anger I don't know how to deal with. It was getting hard to breathe. I might try the exercise outside with fresh air.

@Raze if you are referring to the OCD book, then no. I instead started using OCD videos and they were helpful at first. I stopped watching the videos once I started taking anti depressants designed to help with OCD. The doctor told me to stop taking the anti depressants because I was experiencing increased feelings of sadness. This is my first day without the pills and I feel anxious. I am changing again and I don't understand what's happening.

It's so intense that I'm hyper ventilating just thinking about it. I'm slowly getting a hold of myself. It is tough, but I I'm sure I can do it. It's so hard. I'm afraid of not begin able to control myself as I fail to wear a condom and cause something bad to happen. I'm so scared that people think I'm gay. I was bullied at school as the kids called me a fa*****. My dad threatened to disown me if I were gay. My grandma was worried that I wanted to have sex with men as she preached the bible and told me how horrible sex with other men would be. My mom thought I was gay. My sisters thought I was gay. It's just so hard to get over the fear of how women could cause me to act. I think women make it very tempting for men to act stupid. I want to maintain judgement rather than losing it. It's so hard, but I am slowly finding the balance to keep myself in control. I'm scared, but I know that this fear is just the emotions connected to a thought. I can do this. I want to be a man.

Important observation I am afraid of vagina because I love it so much that I'm afraid of doing something stupid. I have a hard time trusting myself not to do something stupid. I am struggling with this intense fear. I can tell that it impedes my judgement and it terrifies me. It causes me such a headache that I am struggling with so much. I'm trying to trust myself and to overcome these feelings, but I find it so difficult. I am trying to trust myself not to do something stupid, but it is so hard.

I'm afraid of the temptation to use trauma as an excuse for selfishness. I'm afraid of the temptation to use autism as an excuse for selfishness. This is why I lived in denial of the extent to which these things affect me or hurt me. I want to be better than using my pain as an excuse to pass it on. I'm afraid that if I don't restrain myself, then I will hurt others and/or hurt myself when my selfishness ultimately backfires. Not only would it hurt to be called out on my selfishness, but it would also hurt others through discrediting their trauma. The fear that I would do these things led to thoughts like "I hate myself." I understand that all of this is a struggle for love confused for self hatred.

@Schizophonia I talked to the therapist. It was intense. He said he's gonna check up on me in a couple of days. I should be fine. It's just a lot.

I read that book already. I think it places too much emphasis on the Catholics. The author probably had a shadow there. In order to forgive my father I must also forgive myself. The similarity I am afraid of is selfishness. Throughout my life I have hurt others and enjoyed it. I bullied a mentally disabled kid and made him cry when I was in daycare. I did something sexual with my sister when I was six. I tortured the cats when I was a teenager. I beat my sister upside the head with a boot. I got into a fight with her in the car when I was in high school. I was afraid that I would murder my step father over a complicated situation, likewise dad said he would kill him. I didn't call the police on my mother, father, and step father because I loved them. I'm now confused about my feelings toward my step father. I'm confused. The list goes on. I used spirituality to avoid facing life. Maybe I'll try the forgiveness exercise later. I've got a lot on my mind. It's crazy. I think my life purpose is to be a better dad than dad.

All of you are right about the man I used to be. A lot of childhood trauma is coming up and is a lot. I talked to the therapist and my doctor. It was intense. The reason I hated myself so much was because I would rather die than be like my father. I was so afraid of being like my father that it prevented me from developing parental instincts. I now feel like they are starting to come online. I want to be a better dad than dad. Its intense. But yes, I want vagina. I am staying productive despite my complete emotional wreck. It is just so much to take in.

@Sincerity I'm not angry with my father. I'm angry with myself. I hate my similarities. It is my own selfishness that I am afraid of. @Schizophonia I have a few similar tendencies like going for walks and how our brains work. I just don't trust myself sometimes. A lot of it is because of how I behaved as a child. If I don't hold myself back, I am afraid I will act like that child. It makes me hate myself.

Quick update. Something good just happened. My sister got locked out of her car. I was interrupted because I was the only one who could help her. Mom wasn't answering the phone and she had the spare key in her house. I was afraid of driving, so grandma asked me to run to mom's house and get the spare key. Instead I drove. I then got mom up so she can get the spare key. Mom said I could ride as with her as she drove out to get my sister. Instead I drove again! Unfortunately, I almost hit a car and that's why I'm scared of backing out especially. Ultimately, the mission was successful though. Mom offered to drive me home, but I just drove myself again! My sister was concerned that I didn't know the way back. I went on so many walks that I know a million ways back. so mission accomplished. Onto my next task of getting a better paying job that allows me to be unavailable on weekends. @NoSelfSelf thanks for the advice.

@NoSelfSelf good point. Thank you.

@NoSelfSelf thank you. I realize that. I am just dealing with a lot of intense anger at the moment. It is leading to painful headaches and seems counterproductive. I was going to try going for a walk or meditating for a bit. I'll see how I feel then.

I have been trying to build a life purpose from scratch, but I can't do it. The life purpose course didn't help as much as I hoped it would. At least one of my highest values in life is peace of mind. I have been struggling for peace of mind through self education and emotional mastery techniques, but it was never enough.