trenton

@Leo Gura I have basically been creating a split personality. I have a lot of cool philosophical theories, but it is partially because I was struggling to cure deep depression and hatred. I am now trying to walk the walk, knowing that love and goodness are one. It is like I'm so close yet so far. I need to mature a lot and it is painful. This is going to take time and vision. I need to face everything I have been avoiding through spirituality so that I can create integrity in my life and resolve my split personality.

@integral it's coming up again. The feeling that I hate my entire family came up. I could tell them that I have been hiding in my room for so long because I believed them to be degenerate. I am trying to form an emotional connection to others, but when I try what comes up is hatred, depression, and suicide. If I could somehow change myself without telling them, then I guess it would be fine. I'm trying to change like I always have been, but it doesn't work. The reason I don't socialize much us because I don't want others to change me or influence me. I don't trust most people to be high quality people. I have looked down on most other humans my entire life. I look down on myself as well for failing to find a higher purpose that fulfills me in life. I can never be fulfilled with any purpose if depression kills my joy. I'm opening myself up, but it is a hectic process. I'm sorry if I annoy you with the same story. My morals do not apply to today and they cause me a lot of problems. I say I hate myself a lot, but it feels more true to say I hate my family. I probably shouldn't tell them that yet.

I am contemplating how much of a man she is and how much of a woman I am. Surely I could be much stronger than i am giving myself credit for.

This is intense. I have been facing a lot of trauma lately with good progress. One of the feelings that came up for me was the notion of becoming a better dad than dad. I know this seems preposterous given my recent behavior on this forum. I am thinking long term, not immediately. So here's the thing. I have been deeply distrusting of relationships in general for most of my life. My parents were in an awful situation because my father fled the state to avoid paying child support. I have been afraid of ending up in a similar situation by opening myself up to relationships. I didn't trust myself to be a responsible human being because I was afraid that my impulses would cause me to act in horrible ways like my father. My suicidal thoughts were related to denying my desire for an emotional connection through relationships. I felt that it was impossible for me to find a happy relationship. I felt very lonely and depressed because of the feeling that no relationship could ever make me happy. I felt that other people were a bad influence on me because I never trusted my parents to teach me to be a decent human being. I isolated myself from other people because I want to be as good as possible without other people pulling me toward indecent behavior. I know in theory morality is imaginary, but this forum pointed out that I seem really attached to my morals anyway. My father lacked a moral compass because he was a gangster who held people at gun point demanding money. My harsh self judgement makes me hate myself. I know an optimal father cannot be so attached to morals. I try not to be attached to morals, but the whole reason I seek the truth so much is because in think the truth is required for being the best human possible. I will otherwise be lost in lies and illusions. Truth is about being good from my point of view. I am trying to process these newfound feelings. My worldview continues to fall apart. Any tips on this situation?

An analogous example would be a woman I met who was raised to believe that women should repress their emotions because it is a sign of weakness. There are women who believe femininity is actually toxic. It is dysfunctional. This was combined with the fact that her brother raped her, causing her ptsd.

@mr_engineer thank you for your response. This somewhat resonates with me. I have been repressing masculinity in a variety of forms. It should be considered that I grew up in a house with two sisters, a mother, and a grandmother. I was the only boy for about 10 years until my brother was born. I started hiding in my room after mom yelled at me and said she had gone easy on me for too long for being the only boy. I started socializing much less. I had a negative attitude toward the other boys at school when they harassed girls and some of the girls sexually harassed me. This started after I got in a ton of trouble after doing something sexual with one of my sisters. I'm finally at the point that I'm openly discussing this with my family. The how to get laid series bothers me a lot. The entire framing is wrong. The point should be to get good at relationships. I don't resonate with the framing of sexual attraction at all. Women don't look hot to me. I didn't resonate with other boys talking like this at all. It feels completely fake and hollow to me. My relationship with my father also felt fake. He tried encouraging me to hit on hot girls, but it simply did not interest me. The paradox I find myself in is that my body craves sex and an emotional connection. At the same time I am afraid of intimacy and all of the ways a relationship can go wrong. I feel lonely and unable to resolve the loneliness. I have glimpsed my highest self before. It is when I have a clear goal in sight and I work tirelessly to achieve it. It feels very empowering. My mind works on entirely different level. I am trying to master this phenomenon, but I lose it. I glimpsed it once in a chess tournament against a master, once during my English exam, and a couple of other times with chess. My self doubt weighs me down and becomes a lot of self sabotage. It feels like healing is never enough. This is what I just achieve to actually live my highest life. Thank you.

My apologies. It did not occur to me that I was making people feel that way. I have been making a lot of threads lately. A lot is happening to my mind lately and I am slowly coming to inner peace. It would be better for the sake of this forum that I limit myself on the threads I make. In fact, my mind is changing so much that I already found my own answers. I actually did not need this thread too figure it out. I just needed time.

Another observation. I am afraid to become a father because it conflicts with my morals. I act as if it is moral to dedicate my life to altruism even if it makes me unhappy. Just because I would be happy with a good relationship or becoming a chess master doesn't mean it will uplift mankind. My sense of obligatory altruism holds me back from living a happy life. I end up feeling like I need to be a martyr for humanity. It makes me want to die. I want to let go of these conflicting views, but It isn't working. I want to find a way out of this mess as well.

my overly feminine attitude was pointed out on this forum as well. I'm supposed to do what In think is necessary rather than being run by my emotions. I'm so mad, but I have productive things I could still be doing despite it. I feel like trying to feel my feelings exacerbates them rather than soothing them. I'm trying to be good, but i think my methods are not good enough.

It's possible to feel both. Part of me loves dad. Part of me is ashamed of myself for loving dad. Part of me hates myself. Part of me loves myself. Part of me believes I should have dad to mitigate my own shame. Part of me hates dad. I hate dad because I love him and I am ashamed of myself for allowing myself to be manipulated through my love for him. I know the forum thinks I linger on the past a lot. I do it because I'm trying to love myself. I should get tired of telling this story eventually. Deep down it feels fake on some level and I don't understand what to do with it.

@integral part of the problem may be that I refuse to believe that my suffering was for nothing. It can make me hold onto the past. There is still a feeling that I hate myself. I've been struggling to love myself forever, but I'm getting better at it.

This summarizes what I have been struggling with. I sometimes feel intense anger, but I don't know what to do with it. I'm afraid of losing control so I shut down. I look for ways to make sense of this anger, but I constantly fail. I'm doing my best to process feelings that have not been fully processed. It's just painful. I don't plan on being stuck in this forever. I see a psychiatrist in about a week and a half. It doesn't seem that way to me right now, but I will keep that in mind. It seems like a good spot to draw the line.

@DocWatts this is badass! Great work! You were always the kind of person wise enough to create something like this!

Um, this is a lot. I know I seem like somebody who deeply traumatized because I am. Trust me, I am doing everything in my power to be good and I will see psychiatrist in about two weeks. At least my mother's side of the family is tolerant of homosexuality. So here's the thing. Ever since a traumatic incident that happened when I was six, I had a very closed attitude toward sex. I viewed sex as something of lower purpose, but I struggled to find a higher purpose all my life. I have been hyper vigilant to the point that I have suicidal thoughts when I do much as try to approach a woman. I'm too self conscious and it makes me lose sleep at night. I can't stand the fact that I am attracted to women's bodies. I hate myself for being reminded of how they seem like sexual objects. I like boobs, but it simultaneously repulses me. I can't stand my own character being like a pig. I want to have an emotional connection with another human being, but it is too psychologically taxing to pursue sex from women. It makes me hate myself. Maybe it will change when I continue therapy. I have a hard time loving myself. I can't stand seeing women as sexual objects. I want to connect with a human being. Women that look kind of like men might be easier, so it's not a lost cause. Got any tips for attraction to women who look kind of like men? I have questions about same sex relationships. One of questions is how to have safe sex? How do I have safe anal sex? How do I have safe oral sex? How else can I have sex with other men? Most importantly, how does the psychology of gay and bisexual men work? I feel like it's so much easier to take a relationship with a man seriously. Does Leo have any tips on how to get laid for LGBTQ? I might be able to stomach watching his series on how to get Laid, but it's all just so painful. I keep wanting to change, but the best I can do is accept myself.

A possible life purpose for me is to be a better dad than dad. The problem is that family values feel empty to me. If I want to be a good father, then I have to account for parental depression because I refuse to pass it on to my children. Furthermore, I don't see why it is worth the effort to build a relationship. A relationship can't make me happened I am fundamentally unhappy with myself. I have been struggling to love myself my entire life. I refuse to move forward because I want to love myself. A good father would therefore forgive the sins of his previous father to ensure that others are not hurt. I refuse to use my trauma as an excuse to hurt others. I want to be the person that my father and grandfather wanted me to be. I don't care if they are complete fucking hypocrites. I choose love. It's just a painful process of opening up to my family. My relationships feel hollow and meaningless. It makes me want to die.

This is a long story. Dad was a fucking horrible person. I hate myself because I don't want to be anything like that monster. I'd rather die. I'm afraid that if I act on impulse, than I will be like him. It's a long story. He was a drug dealer, he fled the state to avoid paying child support, he was a horrible criminal throughout his entire life, he broke into the house, he was part of a violent gang, and so on. I'd rather die than be like him. I don't trust myself to act on my impulses. I'm going to do something selfish. I don't want to fly by the seat of pants and do what ever I want. The only way for me to live a happy life is to allow myself to follow my desires, but I hate being like dad. I'd rather kill myself. I'm afraid I might rape somebody, do a hit and run, fail to wear a condom during sex, remove a condom during sex like a fucking monster, and so on. I don't want to be a horrible person. I don't want to be selfish. I'd rather die. I repress my impulses to the point of muscle spasms. It's just too much. I'm sorry. It's a lot. At least I don't hate myself for wanting vagina.

Yes. I have found many paths forward in my life. I am getting better at chess and I am trying to be more open with my family. They barely know who I am. I am also playing chess. My sleep is fine. I get plenty of exercise. My diet is improving but could be better. My entire life I have been struggling with this deep suffering. If I want it to mean anything then I can make my purpose to ensure others don't suffer the same way as me.

My issues seem too deep for the forum to understand. I thank you for trying to encourage me though. I will try to make a brief summary. I recently got out of the hospital after a psychotic breakdown. It was caused by withdrawal from anti depressants combined with childhood trauma that came up with my therapist. I had been struggling with suicidal thoughts, meaninglessness, and various other issues for over a decade. Not only was I traumatized by doing something sexual with my sister when I was six, but I also struggle with the psychological effects fatherlessness. I never had a decent father figure in my life, therefore nobody ever taught me how to be a man. I simultaneously don't want to be man. I associate it with being a shallow pig who is supposed to be attracted to boobs rather than a person's character. I can't stand being sexually attracted to women. The rest of my family does not understand what I'm going through. I have not trusted my thoughts and impulses for a very long time. It makes me hate myself when playfulness and spontaneity is punished by the myth of morality. I am trying desperately to open myself up. It is just very taxing to do so. I doubt that a relationship with another human being will even make me happy. My relationships feel hollow and depressing anyway. I don't feel love when people try to love me. I struggle to love myself and I have been wrestling with this my entire life. I hate being the person I am because life is fucking unfair. The whole thing is unfair and it makes me want to die. It would suck to go back to the hospital again. I found the group therapy very effective, and it is hard to make it two weeks to see the psychiatrist finally. It feels like an eternity. I have been trying to heal for my entire life, but nothing is good enough. I'm doing my best but it's never fucking enough. There never was guidance in my life. I was forced to guide myself all along.

@Schizophonia I don't live with mom anymore. I have two sisters. One sister lives with me and my grandma and the other lives with mom.

@Inliytened1 I agree. My ego is too wounded by the unfairness of life to be ready for spirituality. I was just so desperate to make the suffering stop somehow that I was willing to try anything. I am doing a lot of basic self help now. Maybe I will never awaken, but that's okay. At the very least I have a decent intellectual understanding of spirituality and various insights that changed my relationship with life for the better. I'm not ready to discover that I am God because I am just now rediscovering that I am human. Spirituality can make it worse if it turns into an escape for those trying to relieve intense suffering that they have struggled with their entire lives.

I just had an epiphany that ties everything together very well. I understood for many years that objective morality requires an absolute truth. I saw all moral codes as imaginary constructions. If the truth is that all of morality is imaginary, then what is that which allows for the creation of all relative good and evil? I considered absolute goodness as something more fundamental than any imaginary good or evil. I returned to a similar contemplation on the nature of love. I came to realize that love for love's sake is limited because it comes at the cost of disowning hatred. If love were truly complete than it could not disown hatred. Absolute love would have to recognize the relativity of all dualities including love and hate. I have been equating love and goodness for quite some time now. I have been struggling with truth for a very long time now. I have been wrestling with my mind for years. I have been fighting with so many of my thoughts trying to understand what was happening to me. Anyway, if there were an absolute truth, then it would require the higher consciousness with which to recognize that true and false are imaginary constructions. It feels a little weird to think of absolute truth as that which allows for the creation of all relative truth and falsehood. What I am looking for is the source of all creation. What Truth, Love, and Goodness all have in common is that they can only be recognized through higher consciousness. If the pattern continues, then all dualities should collapse just like Truth, Love, and Goodness. These three things are ultimately the same thing. My mind still struggles with Truth though. I always wanted to be good as a child. It is a long story, but my family was a terrible example given their criminal behavior. My grandpa got down on his knee when I was young. He put his hand on my shoulder and looked me in the eye as he told me that he wanted me to be good. I never realized how much my grandpa loved me until his funeral. I collapsed at the funeral because I was an ignorant child who never had the chance to realize how much I loved him. He was the closest thing to a father figure I ever had in my life. It all felt so unfair. I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts for over a decade, and I didn't know why. I have been trying to make my suffering stop, but I couldn't do it. I am now coming to recognize that if I truly want to be good, then this can only be done through higher consciousness. If I truly value truth, then this can only be done through higher consciousness. If I truly value love, then this can only be done through higher consciousness. I wasn't conscious of my reasons for following Actualized.org after all these years. It took a psychotic breakdown in which I completely lost my mind. I turned myself into the police for fear that I would harm myself or someone else. The psychotic episode was caused by a combination of withdrawal from powerful anti-depressants and a lot of childhood trauma that I was discussing with my therapist. A lot happened to me during this episode. I realized that all of my suffering in life had a purpose. The deep wisdom of suffering is that it teaches us to love. I would never wish my suffering on another human being. During the episode I felt as if God had chosen me for a special mission all along because God loves me. I also felt that God was completely unfair and it makes it hard for me to love as God would. It was like heaven and hell simultaneously. I went on to meet the victims of life in the hospital. They felt that God had put us here for a reason. They were all the victims of unfair circumstances. There were several victims of rape with PTSD, one of which was homicidal toward her brother because he got out of prison after four years. There was a man who felt excessive guilt over the death of his father. We related to each other on many different levels. My deep suffering helped me to learn compassion for other people who suffer very deeply. I comforted the other people who stayed in nearby rooms as they recovered from serious trauma. These people did not deserve to suffer. Although these were not psychedelics, they led to a lot of powerful insights. This was a life transforming experience that gave me a tremendous opportunity for growth. I have a feeling that I am discovering my true purpose in life. It has something to do with pure understanding. I was infatuated with chess because I saw the beauty of logic and pure understanding. I was interested in politics because I saw the beauty of being the best person I could be through open-mindedness as I strive to be as objective as possible. This requires setting aside my biases as I pursue pure understanding and a commitment to truth. Perhaps there is another possible path for my life purpose, and it seems to be the one God has set out for me.

@TheCloud I talked with my mom. I just discovered that my father was even worse than I previously believed. First of all, when Mom and Dad had sex it was statutory rape. Furthermore, my father coerced me into committing multiple crimes including felonies. He threatened to disown me if I did not swear to secrecy as he committed several crimes to avoid paying child support. All I wanted was to be good, and I was emotionally manipulated into lying on behalf of my father. I still feel a lot of resentment toward myself. I logically understand that my dad is a horrible person, but I love him anyway. I am starting to sound mad at my dad though. My defense is that I was forced to figure out life for myself because I never trusted my family. I had no guidance but my own. My family was never a good example, but I wanted to be a good person anyway. I'm slowly starting to see how human I am as I loosen my unrealistically high expectations of myself. The function of me hating myself is to prevent me from doing anything wrong by creating a lot of suffering for myself. This is why I'm miserable. I just feel like such a victim and I desperately want to be in control of my life so I blame myself. I sometimes feel mad at God for being unfair. At the same time I really value the truth and being the best person I can be. I know its hard to love as God would, but that is what I want to do. I wrote about some of this in the spirituality section, and I don't seem to be ready for spirituality. The reason my mind is so inflexible is because my harsh self judgements are designed for my survival. I could not live with myself if I became like my family. I'm trying to open up to my family. Its going to be hell in the short term, but I have been suffering hell all my life. I have been trying everything to make the suffering stop. My family is completely oblivious to a lot of trauma. They seem to be partially open to me finally coming out of my shell and expressing myself. My relationships will always feel hollow if nobody knows who the hell I am. They act like they don't want me to bottle up my emotions until I stop bottling up my emotions. I swear to God I'm always doing the best I can, but I hurt so badly and I don't want to be a victim. The truth is that I feel completely depressed and defeated. I don't have any control over my life. Suicide gives me a sense of being in control. Hating myself also gives me a false sense of being in control. I have been lost in a meaningless existence for my entire life struggling to find purpose in anything. I have been walking around with suicidal thoughts for over a decade. Nobody knows a damn thing about me.

@Schizophonia Yes, I'm working on it. I work on it all the time everyday.

@Inliytened1 I'm on it. I do the actuality exercise as well. There were a bunch of different perspectives from which the ego is an illusion that I'm aware of. I've been struggling to get these spiritual teachings to actually change my psyche. My collapse is not done yet. I am currently working on a paper to discuss a ton of serious childhood trauma that my family is unaware of. I have a chronic self hatred because I have been holding onto excessive guilt to the point of suicidal thoughts for about 20 years. I'm starting to get hyper active and spontaneous along with a bunch of intense emotions. We plan on seeing a psychiatrist in two weeks. No wonder I suck at spirituality. I'm still doing my best as always. We will see how much I love myself one month from now. I feel optimistic and hopeful and simultaneously deeply hurt because this kind of stuff can take a life time to heal. I've been struggling to love myself for my entire life and I have turned to so many different things with only partial success. It is starting to blow up like it did at my mom's birthday today. She still loves me though. The problem is that I act as if I need to sacrifice my own happiness for the sake of others. I'm trying to do something radically different from what I have been doing my whole life.

I always wanted to find a higher purpose in life. I couldn't do it. Everything felt hollow to me. I wanted to change and become a better person, but nothing worked. I don't want to be a shallow human being. I hate the implications it places on my moral character. It makes it hard to live with myself. I have such a headache and I feel a lot of anger as I repeatedly say "oh my God." This may be the root of many suicidal thoughts. I'll tell the therapist too. I tried to pursue love, truth, and God. I see no higher purpose than pure understanding. I was terrible at it. I tried finding purpose in educating myself and others. Although I left a positive impact by teaching people about emotional mastery, I felt that it was never enough for me. The same goes for teaching my family about self deception and the nature of the mind. We are much more peaceful now. Beyond that what am I doing? am I starting a business to get financial freedom? Am I going to college to become a politician? Am I staying at my dead end job that pays dirt? When am I moving out? How am I leaving an impact on the world? The amount of effort I must put in to get laid is ridiculous, especially when I see it as low purpose. I hate myself. I know chess makes me happy, but the impact I leave on the world is tiny. Any other purpose I try is based on the fact that following what makes me happy wasn't an option. I want peace of mind and I can't find it elsewhere. Maybe I can do it but have limiting beliefs, but that's beside the point. I feel like my illusions and fantasies are falling apart. I'm not the person I want to be. I'll tell my family about all of this soon. I still horrible. There is so much work I must do and so much I must change about myself just to get something so trivial and shallow. I want to be a better person and I hate myself for my desires. Any thoughts?