trenton

I did something to myself. My mom gave me some gummies. they were weed gummies. They made me happy. She gave me these gummies hoping it would help me sleep but my God I feel amazing. She said she was a light weight and she ate half a gummie to help her sleep. I don't know if she gave me the wrong ones. She gave me two gummies, but I think they were halves. I ate them both. I didn't feel any effects, until later. My body feels very relaxed. I had a ton of tension in my back and legs and face and neck. I tried body awareness exercises but I didn't do well. This works like God. My body was moving in weird ways as I pulled my muscles in ways I don't normally do it actually released the pressure and pain and !y God I love it. I love it I'm never could have done this without ut. I love it I started living and laughing a lot I loved it My brain is moving ways it down at normally !over Kik know how this will affect me tomorrow morning. I love it I wonder what the long term impacts are I hope it's good I love it I love it I love it I love it I love it I love it okay I know I might be high but this is my first time in my life I love it I love it I love it I love it I love it I love it I love it I love it I love it up for it I'm for it it pic r I'll do t I'll over Florida p.o. I should probably post this came come back tomorrow I am Bering wierd. I love it I love you so I love all. Thank you. Bye

@Breakingthewall this is insane how people think their being is their fault. If psychedelics help people to flow through life then this is proof that our level of consciousness is not our fault. I don't want people to live their lives believing that their misery is their fault. If people had access to psychedelics it would help so many people flow through life effortlessly without all the self conflict. As soon as you try psychedelics, there is an immediate disconnect from the rest of society. It happens because people are afraid of psychedelics and they live on believing that they are the cause of their feelings and thoughts as they are lost in the illusion of control. Psychedelics reveal that it makes no sense to judge people for their particular brain structure and the extent to which it shapes their behavior. These people deserve nothing but love, but they believe they do not. This is the tragedy of so many people who struggle with depression and other mental health issues.

I am constantly trying to push myself. I am trying to be a better person. What ends up happening is that I push myself to the ground and I end up pushing myself through the dirt. I place high standards on myself and become hyper vigilant. This whole thing is me trying to be good. It comes from love. It makes me want to cry.

I am getting a better understanding of what causes a person to be unreasonable. They cannot help it because the ego identity is that strong An analogy might be a flat earther who for one day was convinced the earth was round, but the next day gets emotionally attached to all of the previous falsehoods again anyway. I know the falsehoods my mind is getting sucked into yet they are powerful. I know I can't change through willpower alone. I know that my experience in this thread was real. I know that my life is not the same anymore because of my first trip. I know that no human being deserved to be blamed for the person they are including myself. I know what ego backlash feels like. This is it. I embrace the misplaced frustration of this inner child that does not know how to peacefully move through life and enjoy his existence. This child does not act out of malice, but out of a lack of love. The child is trying to make changes but doesn't know how and feels frustrated in a way that ends up hurting itself. It starts to feel like I am hurting myself on purpose. It starts to feel like I enjoy hurting myself. I do not fear these feelings.

For some reason I am starting to have doubts that my experience was even real. I am having doubts as to whether or not it was really that life transforming. It feels weird because I have a recent memory of all of it and I recorded it above. It is obvious that I experienced something different. My mind is wrong to reject this experience yet I continue to be sucked into low consciousness. I know it isn't my fault that I feel depressed and suicidal sometimes, but my mind gets sucked into this belief without me trying. My baseline for consciousness might be a little higher than it used to be and if it is then that is progress. My mind feels strangely mixed as if part of me is denying the obvious yet it is powerful and hard to reconcile. I am currently trying to embrace this part of me that wants to deny everything that happened. My body felt totally different. Out is obvious that I cannot change through willpower alone. Reasoning does not settle the beast. I will not deny the feelings of resentment this inner child experiences. This inner child is prone to misplacing its frustration onto itself because of the illusion of control. These judgements are meant to create a sense of being in control of life despite the clear evidence to the contrary. I embrace your feelings, but part of me resists the psychological traps that are set up when sucked into this perspective.

Update: Um yeah, we are going back. My mind is going back to OCD tendencies with thinking I might do something horrible. I am calling myself an evil or horrible person. I noticed a suicidal thought emerging again. My body gradually became more tense until the point that I was numb to my body. Trying to exercise body awareness did not work because of how numb I was. In any case I know that these thought patterns will not be resolved through willpower which is how I have been trying to manage them. I refuse to live my life trying to manage this. I deserve better and I see psychedelics as a realistic solution. I understand that all other methods simply are nowhere near as effective. It feels so weird how I know that it isn't my fault yet I feel myself being sucked into lower consciousness anyway as if I cannot help but feel the urge to be selfish. This urge used to terrify me, but I am facing it more openly than I used to. I used to judge this feeling immediately as if it were a problem. It includes the pleasure in the suffering of others or in the suffering of myself. I understand that criticizing myself and other people will never be effective in bringing about change. I judged myself all the time and it never worked. I do not control consciousness because consciousness happens to me. Nevertheless, consciousness determines my entire attitude toward life. It is impossible to understand the value of consciousness without trying psychedelics. Spirituality will not make sense through mere intellectual activity of there is no reference point.

I see value in expanding on this with several examples. 1. Really good gamers feel like they can get away with treating others like dirt. The same applies to any field of expertise in which you view others as fools and thus look down on them, feeding your ego. 2. Religious institutions can get away with sex scandals for decades at a time. In the eyes of the people, the priests are too good to do anything so despicable. 3. In the eyes of trump supporters, trump provided a lot of value for the world. This helped to shield trump from accountability as he grifted his followers. This example demonstrates that you do not have to provide objective good or objective value to the world to get away with evil. You only need to make people believe you are valuable and they will protect you. 4. Biting the hand that feeds you is a common problem with parents and grandparents. They often get away with abusing kids because the kid needs them to survive. Standing up to authority is usually useless because they either exploit our survival needs to shield themselves from accountability or they delude people into thinking they are Christ like such as Donald Trump. I am often afraid of my selfishness coming out, causing others to judge me harshly. My inability to get away with selfishness makes me paranoid and hyper vigilant. I can see the survival benefit of providing massive value in that it allows me to relax. The fact that I can't get away with selfishness indicates that I am not providing massive value to society. For example, my employer treats me like dirt, they refuse to give me a raise despite superior performance, and they can't follow their own rules yet they threaten to fire me for breaking the rules that nobody follows. For example, they had me clean up period blood even though someone certified is supposed to do that, not just any associate because of the health risk. Although integrity is a core value of the company, it doesn't act like it. This is frustrating to me because I want to provide value to society, but I feel stuck in life anyway. Prior to getting high on weed, I had always felt like it was my fault for being unable to manage depression. I fought with myself to not make excuses and wanted to change, but I was simply unable to no matter how hard I tried. This is very tragic and it happens due to people not having access to psychedelics. I am better set up to provide value to the world from a psychological standpoint, but all the same challenges remain in place. I lack clarity because my entire life up to this point has been about trying to escape depression through therapy, emotional mastery, and spirituality. Hopefully, my newfound peace of mind will help me find the clarity I need. If I am being perfectly honest, then psychedelics are by far the best way to make me into the best person I can be. It is more promising than all other options. I tried to make my purpose about teaching emotional mastery, but deep down I felt that it was never enough no matter how hard I tried. I'm not saying that legalizing marijuana or some kind of psychedelic drug is my life purpose, but I know that it will do far more good for mankind than all of my previous ideas combined. My previous ideas were based on not wanting people to suffer in the same way I did. The problem is that I was still suffering.

@OBEler this was my first time trying psychedelics. We got Weed edibles while on vacation near the church of cannabis. My family was completely closed to psychedelics, but they did not hesitate to take these edibles across state lines in violation of federal laws. They are hypocrites, but it ultimately paid off for me. Most of the edibles are gone, but I managed to eat one of the last ones just in time. They had variants for sleep, creativity, and other cannabis based gummies. My family was completely against me trying the one for consciousness and awareness. They were afraid of me becoming more creative arguing that i am already too creative. They insisted on the one for sleep, but it was redundant due to my medication. The edibles for sleep didn't even put me to sleep anyway, but it was worth it. I had one gummy and it was enough to change my life.

There was nothing I ever could have done about my depression. No amount of books could have saved me. I was suffering constantly. I turned to spirituality in the hopes of relieving my suffering somehow, but nothing could have done this. People could easily get stuck in any spiritual group or religion for their entire life with false hope that their suffering will end. There is nothing they can do yet they blame themselves anyway. It is incredibly cruel and there was nothing I could have done it not for some kind of trip. I was suffering for my entire life and blaming myself. I was fighting with myself for my entire life and I could not stop the suffering. I tried therapy and I am just about to go back. None of that therapy could have done this. It didn't do it before. People cannot be expected to cope with depression like this. How can I ever be expected to find my life purpose and be fulfilled if I am always fundamentally miserable? I tried the life purpose course, but I couldn't do it. I really was too weak and unable cope with depression. I don't want people with depression to fall for the fiction that it is their fault. I was ready to commit suicide on so many occasions because I refused to live my life like that. I have been fighting with my life situation and dead end job looking for ways out, refusing to surrender my life to this depressing reality. I could have easily failed and ended up stuck in depression forever anyway. The teachings you get in spirituality and emotional mastery are ridiculously limited. They help a little, but it simply isn't enough and never will be no matter how hard I tried to love myself. It will never work at all. Psychedelics are necessary to cure depression more effectively. No amount of moralizing about suicide or intellectualizing about your life and spirituality will ever save you. You can't do it without Psychedelics. I want people to feel love but they can't because they think it is their fault and they can't access Psychedelics. I know my past self struggled to forgive himself. He felt that he wasted his life and he was responsible for his depression. He wanted to do something significant for the world and uplift mankind, but felt it impossible due to being trapped in life. He was suffering from episodes of suicidal levels of depression with no clear cause and he tried everything he could to love himself. He couldn't do it. He suffered like this ever since he was a child and he never felt happy with his life. There was nothing he could have done, but somehow he kept pushing. He wanted to find some way to live a meaningful life. He refused to surrender and wanted to try whatever he could. Yet it was only by accident that he experienced a life changing trip. He loves himself only because he is able to now. He didn't have the strength to love himself before no matter how hard he tried. I don't blame people for not having the strength to love when there is nothing they can do about it. I love you all and I want you to experience the best life possible. You will never deserve to suffer in the way you do. Psychedelics are required for anything like this to be possible.

I am in a clearer state of mind this morning. I love you all. My body feels different. I love you all how deeply did this change me? Was this a life changer? It might have been. I was not expecting this because those gummies were supposed to be for sleeping. They relaxed my entire body. Although I didn't sleep for a while, the gummies accomplished something else. I was not expecting this at all. I just feel happier as a baseline. This may have helped some of the psychological issues I have been struggling with. It is a long list of things, so I won't go through it here. So anyway, last night my body started moving in ways it doesn't normally move as tension in my body was released. I'm still doing this a little. I started stretching and tensing parts of my body for a moment. I also started masturbating in ways I wouldn't normally. It felt good. My body was very relaxed. I also started meditating as I noticed my mind acting in a new way in response to various thoughts and feelings. My brain moved in ways it wasn't normally and I think it healed me. I love you all. I paid attention to the entity in my trying to control myself as it tried to impose who I should be or how I should act. My brain surrendered this as happiness took over me. I hope you all have a happy life. Good luck. I love myself in ways that were never possible before. All of this was very unexpected but totally worth it. Have fun with your lives.

In being wird I am scrolling through pages aimless or and not caring about how it upe. I am not typing accurately and I keep going. I love it but anyway my body never felt this way before what the duck I love it I should turn off the tablet. Maybe I should keep recording what's going on I love it I am starting at the screen don't nothing. I don't let itm. I love it I'm still doing it My body feels hermeneutics I feel pain in my leg that was always there I'm moving again. I love it. Totally worth it

@Raze i am checking out the book now. I might need to purchase the ebook, but it is already good. For my entire life my brain has been a torture chamber and not just on the topic of sex. I often find myself going for walks for hours and I am wearing my legs out even though it gives me emotional relief. This right here could be the solution to all of this constant suffering I have been experiencing for my entire life. Thank you may sound light, but I hope you know this is a deep thank you.

I think this post will provide some useful insight into psychological defense mechanisms and how to overcome them. Ever since a traumatic event from when I was about six I have been judgemental toward sex. I very rarely overtly slut shamed anyone, but I did silently judge them and it hurts me. I used to be like the other kids laughing over low brow humor, but I started distancing myself from them. One of the reasons is that I thought they were fools. "Stupid" never felt like the right insult to describe the behavior of the children. It would be more accurate to say that I felt they were sexually improper. Part of the judgement was for fear of punishment. Sometimes I felt sexually harassed. This includes the girl who grabbed my penis in the lunch room. My avoidance of sexually improper conduct caused other people to think I was gay and they started bullying me for it. Even my family suspected I was gay, and I am only now clearing this up with them. Other girls in high school tried flirting with me, but I was silently repelled by their behavior. I saw kids drawing dicks on the walls. Part of me found it funny and I judged myself for it. I look back at the self judgement that comes from slut shaming and it is insane. It placed a ridiculous burden on me. I even judged myself for masturbation and all of my fantasies. Again I used "stupid" instead of "sexually improper." in this process of judging sex, I ended up picking up the belief that lust was sin even though I am not religious and never plan to be. I find it instructive that the human psyche is not designed for truth, but rather self validation. It will cherry pick any belief so long as it serves your identity. Recognizing that the attachment to this belief served the function of validation for my perspective of that time helps to let go. The sense of being morally virtuous is addicting as crack. It has a good feeling to it, but is actually low conscious. I did not understand how it would hurt me. I judged myself for gay and straight fantasies while having intrusive rape fantasies. These intrusive rape fantasies were often accompanied by suicidal thoughts. It's insane how much it hurts. One lesson I take away from the low consciousness of being morally virtuous, is that I call people out for different reasons. Moral righteousness often leads to smugness which In turn makes you seem immoral. It is the hypocrisy of moral superiority and it defeats the purpose of improving your character. My goal in calling people out is not to hurt them or feel superior. My goal is to raise our collective consciousness for the good of myself and others. I do so out of love, not out of the selfish desire to be morally superior. I even implicitly slut shamed my own mother. I wrote a message to her earlier today apologizing for something she may not have picked up on or may have forgotten. I am just now realizing how much mental energy I put into maintaining my memories. I have put a lot of energy into maintaining memories for fear of being self deceived through white washing my memories. This started after the incident from when I was six. In any case, I am trying to rebuild my relationship with mom despite my previous frustration toward her regarding her refusal to evict my abusive step father. I feel that I hurt her feelings unnecessarily in lashing out at her. All of this is the reason I live with my grandma now. My dad was a hypocrite in slut shaming my mom. He had children by multiple women and preached the bible to me. He made me feel bad about myself for masturbation. He called mom a slut when he learned that another man was spending time with her after Mike was evicted. Most men don't hold themselves to higher standards. I try to and it hurts more than you realize just through reading this. The shallowness of pursuing sex never appealed to me, but a genuine emotional connection with someone does. If sex happens in a relationship then fine, I just want love. I judged men and women throughout my life for sexual misconduct. It even found its way into my political beliefs. For example, when looking at an issue like abortion, I felt this underlying sense of disgust at women who abuse the procedure, getting 5 or more abortions. I was never overt, but I noticed that I had this underlying sense of slut shaming which was buried beneath the surface moral arguments against abortion. The anti abortion movement takes this to a greater extreme, but I don't see the need to detail this. It also made me feel morally virtuous again. Judging sex scandals always felt hollow and shallow To me for some reason. It seems like a cheap social outrage To be carried away by. For example, I judged churches for raping kids, but something felt off and dirty about it for some reason. I don't know if this is the reason, but I feel the pain of sexual repression myself and intrusive rape fantasies scare me. It is not hard for me to imagine that someone might snap under this and become an actual rapist. I don't think it makes sense to judge them. I also judged sex songs and dances with revealing clothing. again, the energy that goes into judging sex to the point that songs make me uncomfortable is ridiculous. I am still not desensitized to this. Sometimes I cringe over these songs. Even good songs are ruined when I realize they are about sex but I didn't realize it previously. My dad was interested in strip clubs, but I wasn't. I am afraid of getting a lap dance because I'm afraid of not being able to control myself and I will end up touching her. I probably won't, but I'm afraid anyway. Controlling myself around others had never been issue but I'm afraid it is for some reason. There were people judging my autistic behaviors, but nothing worse than that. To this day the thought of approaching girls In a bar or night club makes me cringe. I would rather approach girls In the open during the day. The series "how to get laid" rubs me the wrong way. It sounds click baity and it implies motives which I dislike. I could watch it. I'm not afraid to anymore. I watched part of the first one. I am judging bars and nightclubs as having lower quality women, possibly as a consequence of my past slut shaming. Would someone care to dispute my belief that approaching women during the day will yield higher quality women? Perhaps my recent experience with a flat earther should be a counter example. I find it ridiculous how close minded they are. In any case, slut shaming seems like a cheap way to make oneself feel morally virtuous and it causes enough pain to make you suicidal. There are probably other examples from high school or through other parts of my life that I don't remember at the moment, but I hope you find value in this message. I wish you nothing but love, good luck.

@Zion Given the billions of different possible brain structures within either sex, I will always be forced to generalize. These generalities will never be full proof. For example, men and women perceive colors differently. Women see warmer colors with greater contrast whereas men are greater movement within color. This difference makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint because human societies used to be Hunter gatherer. If men chased after prey to feed the tribe and women picked different berries while using colors to distinguish edibles from poison, then it makes sense that the male and female eyes would be this way. There are also men and women who are blind, so in this way it is not absolutely true that men and women see reality differently. In general, women have faster reaction times when exposed to sudden noises. This makes sense because women tend to be physically weaker which therefore makes them more vulnerable to a physical threat. The evolutionary standpoint makes sense again in this case. Again there are counter examples. There are men and women who are deaf, so they don't all perceive sounds differently. There are also gay men who have faster reaction times than straight men. There could be feminine aspects of the brain integrated into the brain of a gay man. This further blurs the boundary of any absolutely true distinction. I would imagine that men and women experience touch differently. This makes sense because sexual pleasure works differently for different types of bodies. There are still people who are born with both a penis and vagina or who have neither. Ultimately, all boundaries fail to hold up perfectly. The reality is that within any set of billions of neurons in our brains, the possibility for variety is too high. Given this level of variety, you would have to go to every individual and take exactly how that person experiences reality. Some men may have more typically feminine characteristics, and some women may have more typically masculine characteristics. Perhaps the only immutable differences that hold up is when you take a smaller group or two individuals and compare them. In the case of two individuals, the bodies are physically distinct from one another, creating a clear difference. If my focus is on all men and all women, then the sample size is too big and the generalizations will eventually fail given billions of men and women. Is there a better way to approach the differences between men and women?

I feel like there are two distinct truths to this issue which struggle to integrate one another and seemingly contradict. On one hand gender is a social social construct. In fact all identity is imaginary. This can make it easy to get lost in relativism or aperspectival madness. Gender is a social construct because it is an identity created from our physicality. This leads to all kinds of gender roles which vary across cultures. Gender identity includes the assumption that you are the body. If I am not the body, then I could be neither male nor female or I could be every man and woman in existence. On the other hand there are immutable differences between men and women. There are some people who interpret you as sexist or any other negative term when pointing out immutable differences. For example, the difference in brain structure leads to a difference in psychology and how men and women experience life or perceive reality.

I remember he mentioned ethical reasons for wanting to get off of so much meat. He wanted to slowly get back to vegetables, but he needed to figure out what was causing the gut problem. To my knowledge he does not plan on making a life time carnivore diet. He also argued that survival often requires us to hurt others. For example, a squirrel is an oak murdering machine and the cucko bird is a baby murdering machine just on automatic inherent instinct. Hurting others for the sake of survival is nothing personal, but it often feels that way when you are in the midst of conflict.

There is a reason why nearly everybody fails to awaken. We try all kinds of spiritual practices, yet we are guided by hidden maps which cannot be found by looking inward. Instead these hidden maps influence how we self reflect and we are often blind to how they influence us. Ken Wilber used spiral dynamics as an example of hidden maps, but there are others such as mental disorders, trauma, and the survival drive. The survival drive is the main reason why we fail to awaken. For example, my identity as the mind is not merely an intellectual error, but rather a survival strategy. Through disociating from the external world, I attempt to keep myself safe from those who could hurt me. For example, there was a lot of verbal abuse when I went to school, and I had no control over the situation. This lack of control leads to the I don't care attitude as I live in my head. Of course this can happen everywhere in life like with my mom's abusive boyfriend who she refused to evict no matter how much I begged. Being stuck in my head is designed to remove me from traumatic situations, thus serving as armor from emotional pain and heartbreak. paradoxically, this is how I end up creating most of my suffering as I try to avoid suffering. I end up stuck in my head, judging myself, and giving the ego undue credit for its influence on life both good and bad. Blaming myself is designed to insist on some illusion of control even though deep down I know this not to be true. The repeated self punishment results In feelings of depression and anxiety as well as sleeping problems among other things. The survival drive keeps my attached to falsehoods even if I don't believe them. It could be an unconscious belief or unconsciousness In general which prevents effective self reflection with which to raise our consciousness. In reality identifying as the internal world is optional. If I am not separate from the external world, then the distinction between self and other becomes untenable as the self now includes the entire experience rather than something separate from experience. Identifying as something separate from the external world happens as part of the survival drive and it often cannot be overcome simply through self reflecting. Most of the time we will fail and we will not awaken. Part of the problem is the social stigma around psychedelics. Many of us realistically will not be able to use psychedelics because of our life situation preventing travel or because the legal risks are too great for us. A divide in this forum is created as people with access to tools like psychedelics have a much better chance of awakening than the average Joe working a 9-5 job and doing a bit of meditation. Without making serious changes to the way society functions, it is inevitable that nearly everybody will fail to awaken no matter what guru you follow. No matter how hard we try, given our limitations the survival drive is too strong and it prevents us from self reflecting effectively. Some people try doing this kind of work for 40 years and they fail.

@Israfil Thank you for your support. I just feel so mad and anxious. Logic says "I was just an ignorant child who didn't know better." The human psyche simply does not function through logic alone. I have been struggling with this all my life and I am ready to open to my family on this issue. Part of me still has a lot of suicidal thoughts and a sense of hopelessness because I have been struggling with all of these emotional issues for my entire life to no avail. Of course this was combined with other things like domestic violence, a dysfunctional family, autism, bullying, OCD, drug addiction in my family, and other things. My relationships with other people just felt hollow throughout my life no matter how much they said they loved me. I even turned to spirituality in an attempt to stop this suffering. Everything I have done in life has been the seeking of love, but love is hard. Effort and willpower alone will never be enough to stop this. At least one thing I can revise is that I don't hate myself, but rather I hate my situation from which I am trying to escape and constantly failing. I also need to discuss cptsd with my family, but I know it will start a fight and I am afraid to tell them. We all suffer from some form of this complex trauma because of our dysfunctional family. I can intellectualize all I want in a effort to minimize my trauma, but deep down it never works. This is all just so frustrating, I am working on getting professional help. I am making progress.

In my opinion the moral arguments against incest are very weak for a number of reasons. They depend almost entirely on emotional assertions, arbitrary family lines, the assumption that only living beings of the same species can be part of a family and the assumption of unprotected sex. I will present the counter arguments to these non sensical moral assertions. First of all, our extended family is way larger than most people are willing to admit. If you believe in the Bible for example, then we all came from Adam and Eve. The argument of extended family is not limited to religion, and applies to science as well. If humans evolved from other creatures, making us genetic relatives of apes for instance, then why can't the animals from which we evolved be considered our ancestors? That would technically make it incest even if I had sex with a monkey because it is my very distant cousin. Furthermore, why do we assume that reproduction can only be done with living beings? If you follow the tree of evolution to the beginning, then we all came from multiplying single cell organisms, making them our very distant ancestors. In fact, all of these cells came from matter and energy that originated from the big bang and ultimately formed the universe as we know it. If everything originated from nothing, then why don't we consider the universe itself our God father? The source of life itself would be the beginning of our family, making us all children of the big bang or of God. All beings are interconnected through evolution. The branch of evolution is not limited to living beings. Non living beings are also part of our family. Ultimately, we are all born of the universe which is its own being and its own family. Finally, if we are all one, then there are no separate beings. Therefore, you are always having sex with yourself because the universe is happening within you, not without you. That is my main argument against the moral assertions of incest. My secondary argument includes cultural relativism, because in Egypt they encouraged incest. Although there were genetic defects, this can be avoided through protected sex. From there the emotional assertions are groundless because some people like having sex with other family members. The only real issue with incest is that if someone believes it is immoral, then it will become non consensual. Other than that, there is no sound argument. The universe is your immediate family. What do you think about incest?

Update: this may be bad. I continued doing Leo's forgiveness exercise. It was never what happened with my sister that actually traumatized me, but rather mom's reaction to it. I was terrified, weak, crying uncontrollably, and blaming myself. It never occurred to me to blame mom for hurting me because I put all the blame on myself and I have been doing this for many situations throughout my life. It is hard to forgive other people when I blame myself for so much of what happened throughout life. Forgiveness is still happening when I let go of self blame. Deep down I know this self blame not to be true, yet I give the ego undue credit anyway. I would be a very peaceful and happy human being If I let go of self blame entirely, or at least if I held onto it to a far lesser degree than I did. I am letting go little by little. This started to become less about forgiveness and more about processing intense fear. I have been suffering from many psychological conditions. Ever since the incident, I have been hyper vigilant and self conscious. I experience a lot of harsh self judgement often to the point of suicidal thoughts, which although I never act on, sometimes they are more intense. I am attached to this hyper vigilance and self consciousness because I am afraid of what will happen if I loosen up. This mental state translates into anxiety and sleeping issues. I often get shock waves running up my lower spine all the way up to my head and sometimes it is painful. I often lay awake for hours unable to sleep. I am taking pills for anxiety that seem to be helping and the forgiveness exercise helps as well. I also have been diagnosed with depression and I still have several symptoms of mild or moderate depression. I have been mentally scarred by the incident for years and my mind comes back to it frequently. I am afraid of acting on various thoughts and impulses. Repressing these thoughts and impulses often leads to muscle spasms and talking in gibberish. My family notices it when I do it, but they don't say anything. These muscle spasms are rooted in harsh self judgement when I don't trust myself to be a good person. This issue is becoming less about forgiveness. I am actually showing symptoms of ptsd. I feel like I need to discuss this with a therapist. The traumatic event may have actually been that bad. I have been living in constant suffering, self judgement, hyper vigilance, and a tense body for years. It is like living in my own habitual punishment. no matter how much spirituality, emotional mastery, and intellectual exercises I try, it never seems to be enough. I have been trying my best to heal all of this and to love myself for years, but it was always hard. I might actually need more help.

@Danioover9000 definitely different levels of development will lead to different passions. The way you describe false passion sounds a ton like me. I have a disconnect between thinking and feeling. I am working on being more open with my family about my feelings to see if I can harmonize my mind and emotions somehow. The reason I suppress my feelings is because that is what people will judge me for the most and it is the most sensitive and hurts the most. It is also what I judge myself for the most. This makes it impossible to find true passion by your standards because I will always have doubts due to the conflict between body and mind or thought and feeling. I notice my logic moves faster than my feelings.

I find this issue interesting and instructive. Oftentimes people dedicate a lot of time and energy to things they think they are passionate about, but really they are misaligned with their authentic values. I want to discuss aspects of the false passion and how we should address it if we find that we or someone we know has one. The false passion has a certain feeling to it. It is usually heated, angry, and accompanied by a victim mindset. It is biased and holds one side as objective due to emotional impulses. It is unable to weigh the pros and cons of both perspectives. It has a lot of harsh judgements of the other side, especially moral judgements. It makes us feel resentful and often powerless as we try to change things that we think will make us happy, but they turn out to be hollow political ideals. Especially, pay attention to this hollowness of our moral assertions and the positions we get hung up on. Any collective issue or individual issue could easily become a false passion. A huge red flag is if the media sensationalized the issue. This can be issues like terrorism, gun control, a presidential election, sex scandals, LGBTQ, abortion, and many other issues. There are some people who end up dedicating their lives to debunking the bible as part of a band wagon against religion. Any issue in which we take a firm position and claim it to be true no matter how we feel deep down has nothing to do with truth. There is a fundamental misalignment with our core values. This is why we pursue things that we think will make us happy, but it turns out they don't. The false passion is characterized by making small issues into big issues. This includes things like the M&Ms mascot, micro aggressions, and maybe others. It gets tricky because to some people small issues seem big to them because it affects them personally. The false passion is characterized by controversy and outrageous facts. These outrageous facts may be statistics on mortality rates within any given issue. One example might be the circumcision dilemma. Some men get so angry that they disown their parents over the foreskin of their penis. A potentially controversial fact would be that sometimes the knife slips during a circumcision and it causes the infant to die. This could easily be a big fight about individual liberty and collective well being once people are whipped up into a frenzy. What are the qualities of the false passion, and can you give other examples?

@Yimpa I do want to take psychedelics. I am not saying it is impossible for me to ever try them. Given my current life situation it is not possible, but this could change. I am currently trying to convince my boss to give me a raise.

I have been undergoing a transformation with the help of Leo's forgiveness video. I am becoming more open to my emotions and I recognize that suppressing them can be very problematic. It can create a lot tension in the body. I rewatched Leo's video on body awareness and he recommended getting a massager. I am trying to relax my body and mind which makes me feel kind of tired. I was looking for a massager, and they looked kind of weird. I tried to get a good a look at the box, but there were security tags, blocking the label. I thought it was some kind of back or shoulder massager. Nobody said anything or judged me for it. Seeing this behavior, I know I don't need to be embarrassed when buying condoms, so in a way it helped me. I brought it home and my family started getting embarrassed. My sisters found it hilarious that I thought it was a back massager. I don't have a girlfriend and it might be a minute before I get one to share this with, so it will have to be returned. I should probably study other examples of sex toys. Should I just order a massage gun or chair off of Amazon?

I did some further research and discovered that I had some misconceptions about female anatomy. In Senior Health, I was given an over simplified explanation of the female reproductive system and we never covered the vulva. I was told that the penis goes into the vagina. Then at the height of sexual arousal, the man ejaculates, releasing semen and sperm. The sperm travels through the uterus and into the fallopian tube where fertilization happens. The egg is released from the ovary. The egg and sperm combine to form a zygote which is implanted in the uterus. The zygote then becomes a blastocyst, then an embryo, then a fetus. After about nine months, it is born as an infant. First, I discovered that the vagina and uterus are connected by the cervix. Then I studied the vulva, which is commonly confused with the vagina, which is lower than I thought. The vulva has a libia minora on top and a libia majora on the bottom. The vagina is the bottom hole, located beneath the urinary tract. I discovered that there is a clitoris toward the top of the vulva. It consists of a hood and a gland. The clitoris is the pleasure center of the vulva, and this explains why the female sex toy was shaped in a such a strange way. It vibrates inside the vagina and at the same time vibrates near the clitoris at different levels of intensity. I then looked at the male reproductive system to check for misconceptions. I was wondering why my balls moved, and it is because of the temperature. When it is cold, they move up and when it is hot they move down. The scrotum holds the testicles which are connected to the epididymus. The epididymus is connected to the vas deferens which leads to the ejaculatory gland. This then goes out the penis. The penis naturally has foreskin which is meant to protect the tip called the glans penis. I don't have this foreskin because my family removed it for medical reasons when I was an infant. I notice that the glans penis is sensitive to touch and sometimes is a little irritable. Sometimes, I feel this discomfort in my pants as I start fidgeting. I start adjusting my legs and penis because I feel the tip rubbing against the cloth in my pants and underwear. Is this a problem with underwear size, or is it preventable with some kind of penis sheath to compensate for the lack of foreskin?