trenton

If I were being as rational as possible in terms of my career problems, this is what I would think. According to Cal Newport, following your passion is a bad idea. It can cause you to end up on food stamps. If I pursue chess by moving to New York to get the job, I will struggle to afford housing. Even then, I will put myself through a lot of suffering to try to become a grandmaster. I wasn't given a chess coach at a young age, so realistically this career path will not work. It is not a problem of my abilities, but rather a problem of circumstances. These circumstances happen because chess is a game and does not provide enough value to the world. The reason I didn't give up is because I believe I am supposed to overcome these circumstances and achieve my dream anyway. This is idealistic and will force me to tie myself in knots. As it stands my career options are limited because I only have an associate degree. I will have to go back to college to expand my options. Other career paths could include joining a think tank to inform public policy or becoming a mental health educator. One reason I have been sticking with this path I'm on is because I don't like the solution. If I want what is best for me, then I might have to do something I don't like. I don't know how I'm supposed to be happy in that case, hence I become lost and confused. But rationally I should stop trying to organize my life in such a way as to become a professional chess player.

@Karmadhi good question. I don't know how to evaluate when a war is hopeless. Russia can apparently sustain the war for at least two or three more years whereas Ukraine cannot. Ukraine can't stay in the war unless they keep receiving aid. How can you tell if the war is hopeless for Ukraine?

I liked Leo's video on forgiveness. I used the exercise on a traumatic experience and it has changed me. I no longer need to invent stories about why incest is okay. https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://m.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DGlFjhO0lgLA&ved=2ahUKEwiN3Z6q1vSEAxWRtokEHRUbA-oQo7QBegQIBhAG&usg=AOvVaw0rKj-cRVihxwu95e-eTcmK

So much about this is unfair. The republican party is successfully blaming Biden for the border issue even though they are intentionally blocking any effort to secure the border on the grounds that it would give Biden a win. They are also blocking aid to Ukraine. The republican party does not deserve to be trusted because they are causing the problems for which Biden is blamed. These factors along with many others make the election much closer than it should be, and unfortunately many people seem to believe the lies of the republican party. I wish we had a healthy right wing, but after briefly trying to distancing themselves from Trump, the republican party has found itself as it was in 2016.

Sometimes I feel alone because I don't see anybody who can relate to this kind of story. This event emotionally scarred me as a child and I want to see if something similar happened to others. When I was six I had a sexual interaction with my four year old sister. We put our private parts in each other's faces. It was sexual curiosity and we had no intention of being abusive. However, when my mom found out she accused me of sexually abusing my sister. She told me that my actions were a crime and that I would go to jail. The most damaging part was when my mother made the accusations and not the sexual interaction itself. I have become a different person because of this incident. First of all, I have been struggling to reestablish my sense of self worth. I did not deserve love and compassion because the situation was my fault. I distanced myself from other sexually curious kids while at school. I felt that behaving like them would diminish my self worth. The reason I place a lot of pressure on myself to self actualize, build a good career, and to pursue higher ideals is because I am trying to develop proof of my self worth. I still haven't recovered my sense of self worth and sometimes it leads to me hating myself. Along the way I became sensitive to sexual harassment that happened at school. There were girls who would touch me inappropriately for example. This made me even more distant from the other students. I have a lot of stories about why I should not pursue sex or any kind of intimate relationship. Although on the surface my objections seem rational, I would be a different person of not for what happened when I was six. My aversion to intimacy is ultimately due to sexual trauma which was not caused by sexual abuse. It led to a disowning of sexual curiosity. How many of you can relate to this kind of trauma story? What have you done to recover? Did you have a sexual interaction with a sibling and how has it affected you?

I had a recent breakthrough. Hopefully this is the end of it again. According to my research, ptsd can lead to social isolation. Isolation is commonly used to avoid triggers such as people getting angry with me which Do was common in my dysfunctional household. This social isolation contributes to depression and suicidal thoughts. As I am trapped in my own thoughts I become tormented by the same patterns again and again. I will try discussing this with my family, but I am afraid to because it requires expressing boundaries.

Here might be a relevant song. Here is another popular song by citizen soldier. His songs are all about suicide.

@Princess Arabia do you think posting this was a mistake that could actually hurt people?

@Sabth I want to tell you I am going through a similar struggle. I hate myself and I constantly find more reasons to hate myself. Sometimes I hate myself so badly I want to die. I discussed a traumatic event with my life coach. He suggested that I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to get a good career because I was trying to re establish my sense of self worth. My accomplishments would serve as proof that I am worthy of self love. You seem to be trying to create proof that you deserve to be loved. I have plenty of proof my my self worth but I still hate myself to the point of suicidal thoughts. I would suggest that if you are seeking proof of your self worth, it will never be enough and you will always want more proof. This is the cycle of people pleasing for instance. remember the hierarchy of needs. Before self actualization comes self esteem. If you sabotage yourself constantly with self hatred you will never be satisfied with your accomplishments and you will still not feel worthy of love. for me I have been trying to regain my self worth since a traumatic incident from when I was six. If you suffered from serious trauma and blame yourself, it causes you to shut down emotionally, and it is hard to rebuild self worth from that place.

Update: I talked with my life coach and he had some important insights. We discussed some childhood trauma and drew some connections. The reason I put so much pressure on myself to form a career I am proud of is because I am trying to re-establish my sense of self worth. He pointed out that I shut down emotionally a long time ago and my sister is now frustrated because she wants to love me but I do not connect with any of it. I have been emotionally disconnected from love for my entire life due to a chaotic upbringing and trauma. To regain my sense of self worth I felt that I needed to sacrifice love, relationships, and pleasure. It was a good session. I have been losing sleep at night because I place a lot of pressure on myself to achieve something great. I otherwise feel valueless without proof of self worth. This may include the pressure on myself to get really good at chess so I can prove something to myself by gaining the title grandmaster. He suggested that many of my statements from the exercises he gave me were coming from a place of putting pressure on myself. In order to have more positive motivation, I need to let go of this pressure by understanding that I already am worthy.

I don't know what is happening to me. For some reason I am having suicidal thoughts and I can't help but feeling frustrated, sad, and angry. I'm not sure why I would want die. I have been trying to combat this by staying productive. For example, I am working on a book about mental illness and society. I have a lot of good ideas and I have been spending hours doing research. Sometimes I get stuck. I end up falling into self hatred even when I am doing everything in my power to live a good life. I tried hiring a career coach to help me find a career path outside of chess. This was my passion, but I feel unable to build the life I want. Sometimes I try to compensate this by pursuing importance. I am now looking into things like macro social work. I tried studying my chess books and it seems to have helped a little. I have worked on a lot of trauma with my therapist already. The mysterious self hatred might end up driving me back to it. CPT coach wasn't really helping when I tried working on stuck points like I will never be happy or I can't love myself.

@Leo Gura I wanted to tell you that your series on deconstructing science is one of your best series. Good work on that.

I keep having a similar dream over and over again. They are all dreams about me needing to go to the bathroom really badly. My most recent one is was about being surrounded by broken toilets. Most of the people had given up on searching for a toilet that worked and surrendered to the possibility of wetting themselves. They were people I recognized from school. This recurring dream could be a sign of unresolved trauma. It might be an indicator of why I suffer from low self esteem. Sometimes I used to wet myself at school because the teacher wouldn't let me go to the bathroom. I was very upset with myself for these things. In fact I was once blamed for peeing on the floor in the boys bathroom. The substitute teacher called me a pig in response to this. Finally, there was another boy in the bathroom who made me uncomfortable while I was using the urinal and I have been avoiding urinals ever since for fear of sexual harassment. I only use urinals when I have no other choice. I also used to crap my pants frequently after I was potty trained. Nowadays I run to the bathroom very frequently before I have to start holding it. I also drink a lot of water, probably more than I need. Sometimes it is problematic during chess tournaments because I am on a timer. Right now I am not following my feelings to get to the source of trauma. Instead I am following logic to reach a new conclusion. I don't feel like this is triggering feelings of low self worth but there are repeated patterns. I would have forgotten about all of this if not for my dreams. What should I do about this recurring dream?

@Judy2 thanks for the thoughtful response. I told my grandma about these dreams and she said she had this recurring dream too. In her dream the only toilet is outside and everybody is watching. I feel like I actually need to go to the bathroom during the dream. I feel the sensations. When I wake up the sensations are gone and I no longer need to go. When I was in school I was alone most of the time. I was a straight A student and the other kids didn't take education seriously. I was further isolated due to autism and I stuck to myself most of the time. Other kids would would not let me play with them during recess. To this day I generally stick to myself and I don't socialize with other people much. I have always been more concerned about aspiring to higher ideals. Unfortunately, this is vague and it brings me a lot of anxiety over life purpose. I didn't know that being overly aware of my bladder was a symptom of anxiety. I have already wrote about my past experiences in the bathroom in my journal. There was one experience that still bothered me. When I was in the fifth grade I tried to use a urinal. Another boy came up next to me, put his hands behind his head, leaned back, and winked at me as he peed. It made me uncomfortable and I still don't like using urinals because of it. Stalls give me a greater sense of security.

It looks like the problem is just low self esteem in general. Many of my emotional problems stem from me hating myself in general. I constantly found new reasons to hate myself. One of my previous threads was called "I hate myself for wanting vagina." Another thread was about how I would rather die than become like my father. Another thread became about a traumatic event from when I was six. Other threads are about me struggling to find purpose in life which also damages self esteem. I have been struggling to love myself my entire life, but nothing seemed to be working. The most recent progress I have been making has to do with letting go of judgements internalized from other people. This includes my mother's judgement when she reacted as if I were sexually abusive and the it applies to when I was bullied for being the smart kid in school. Letting go of these judgements seem to bring me peace. Self love is a constant struggle for me. Sometimes I find ways to temporarily stop my hatred, but it often came back. Part of the problem is that OCD is a shame trap. It leads to a lot of backsliding. My mind constantly finds new reasons to hate myself whether it is my failure to become a professional chess player or to decide on a new career path. When ever I bring myself to peace, there is often an ego backlash in which my mind finds a new reason to hate myself. Sometimes I hate myself so badly I want to die. This was a recurring problem when I was an inpatient. I was unable to accept that I was good. Hopefully, this is the last time it happens. I'm not sure how it will happen again if it does or how I will handle it.

Very relatable. I have hated myself for millions of things throughout my entire life. My most recent success would be using the forgiveness exercise for a traumatic experience from when I was six. My mom judged me very harshly and I ended up unable to trust my impulses. I was afraid of becoming a rapist even though I'm not that kind of person. This required a lot of therapy, but I finally feel like I have part of my life back and the symptoms of PTSD seem to be going away. I still hate myself for other things though like being unable to turn chess into a career and it makes me feel like a waste of talent. I'm now considering doing math instead and potentially going back to college for complicated reasons.

You can go on yelp and look for life coaches and career coaches there. I found two coaches in my area. You will have to check your area on yelp.

Good news. I did some self reflection and I may have had a breakthrough. I will discuss this in a separate thread. Thanks to everyone for trying to help me through this frustration and confusion. It drives me insane when I feel like my life is slowly being wasted in misery while I feel powerless to change it.

I want to know about someone who has been through a similar struggle to me and found a career they were happy about anyway. Part of the reason I struggle is because nothing gives me the same drive as a competitive tournament. I love the state of flow that comes with nothing else in the universe concerning me.

@BlessedLion I had the same problem with the religion of tomorrow. It uses a lot of complicated models and it is easy to get confused. If there were examples being used, that would have made it easier.

I feel like a victim because it looks like doing what I love was never truly an option. My entire identity crisis started when I didn't have the option of pursuing what I loved in college. Whatever career path I choose I am constantly disappointed. This adds to my feeling of being trapped with no way to live a happy life. Sometimes this spirals into suicidal thoughts. I don't know what to do about this.

Here is a relevant thread

https://www.chessable.com/discussion/thread/781720/harsh-reality-of-being-a-professional-chessplayer/784387/#:~:text=The harsh reality is that,enjoying the competitive chess scene. Someone else has the same problem.

I don't know to what extent autism is the problem but I have this condition. I wish I could stop being at war with this aspect of myself. I'm unable to find a permanent to this problem.

@ted73104 I honest to God worry that nothing else in life will make me happy. I have never been happier than when I was in a hotel alone preparing for my next game. I don't know how to find the same happiness in any other field. Sometimes I hate myself for failing to do something which is nearly impossible, that is turning chess into a career. This follows the same problem as not living up to my potential and wasting my talent. Sometimes I manage to get this to stop, but only temporarily. I end up picking all of this up again.