trenton

@Schizophonia I don't live with mom anymore. I have two sisters. One sister lives with me and my grandma and the other lives with mom.

@Inliytened1 I agree. My ego is too wounded by the unfairness of life to be ready for spirituality. I was just so desperate to make the suffering stop somehow that I was willing to try anything. I am doing a lot of basic self help now. Maybe I will never awaken, but that's okay. At the very least I have a decent intellectual understanding of spirituality and various insights that changed my relationship with life for the better. I'm not ready to discover that I am God because I am just now rediscovering that I am human. Spirituality can make it worse if it turns into an escape for those trying to relieve intense suffering that they have struggled with their entire lives.

I just had an epiphany that ties everything together very well. I understood for many years that objective morality requires an absolute truth. I saw all moral codes as imaginary constructions. If the truth is that all of morality is imaginary, then what is that which allows for the creation of all relative good and evil? I considered absolute goodness as something more fundamental than any imaginary good or evil. I returned to a similar contemplation on the nature of love. I came to realize that love for love's sake is limited because it comes at the cost of disowning hatred. If love were truly complete than it could not disown hatred. Absolute love would have to recognize the relativity of all dualities including love and hate. I have been equating love and goodness for quite some time now. I have been struggling with truth for a very long time now. I have been wrestling with my mind for years. I have been fighting with so many of my thoughts trying to understand what was happening to me. Anyway, if there were an absolute truth, then it would require the higher consciousness with which to recognize that true and false are imaginary constructions. It feels a little weird to think of absolute truth as that which allows for the creation of all relative truth and falsehood. What I am looking for is the source of all creation. What Truth, Love, and Goodness all have in common is that they can only be recognized through higher consciousness. If the pattern continues, then all dualities should collapse just like Truth, Love, and Goodness. These three things are ultimately the same thing. My mind still struggles with Truth though. I always wanted to be good as a child. It is a long story, but my family was a terrible example given their criminal behavior. My grandpa got down on his knee when I was young. He put his hand on my shoulder and looked me in the eye as he told me that he wanted me to be good. I never realized how much my grandpa loved me until his funeral. I collapsed at the funeral because I was an ignorant child who never had the chance to realize how much I loved him. He was the closest thing to a father figure I ever had in my life. It all felt so unfair. I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts for over a decade, and I didn't know why. I have been trying to make my suffering stop, but I couldn't do it. I am now coming to recognize that if I truly want to be good, then this can only be done through higher consciousness. If I truly value truth, then this can only be done through higher consciousness. If I truly value love, then this can only be done through higher consciousness. I wasn't conscious of my reasons for following Actualized.org after all these years. It took a psychotic breakdown in which I completely lost my mind. I turned myself into the police for fear that I would harm myself or someone else. The psychotic episode was caused by a combination of withdrawal from powerful anti-depressants and a lot of childhood trauma that I was discussing with my therapist. A lot happened to me during this episode. I realized that all of my suffering in life had a purpose. The deep wisdom of suffering is that it teaches us to love. I would never wish my suffering on another human being. During the episode I felt as if God had chosen me for a special mission all along because God loves me. I also felt that God was completely unfair and it makes it hard for me to love as God would. It was like heaven and hell simultaneously. I went on to meet the victims of life in the hospital. They felt that God had put us here for a reason. They were all the victims of unfair circumstances. There were several victims of rape with PTSD, one of which was homicidal toward her brother because he got out of prison after four years. There was a man who felt excessive guilt over the death of his father. We related to each other on many different levels. My deep suffering helped me to learn compassion for other people who suffer very deeply. I comforted the other people who stayed in nearby rooms as they recovered from serious trauma. These people did not deserve to suffer. Although these were not psychedelics, they led to a lot of powerful insights. This was a life transforming experience that gave me a tremendous opportunity for growth. I have a feeling that I am discovering my true purpose in life. It has something to do with pure understanding. I was infatuated with chess because I saw the beauty of logic and pure understanding. I was interested in politics because I saw the beauty of being the best person I could be through open-mindedness as I strive to be as objective as possible. This requires setting aside my biases as I pursue pure understanding and a commitment to truth. Perhaps there is another possible path for my life purpose, and it seems to be the one God has set out for me.

@TheCloud I talked with my mom. I just discovered that my father was even worse than I previously believed. First of all, when Mom and Dad had sex it was statutory rape. Furthermore, my father coerced me into committing multiple crimes including felonies. He threatened to disown me if I did not swear to secrecy as he committed several crimes to avoid paying child support. All I wanted was to be good, and I was emotionally manipulated into lying on behalf of my father. I still feel a lot of resentment toward myself. I logically understand that my dad is a horrible person, but I love him anyway. I am starting to sound mad at my dad though. My defense is that I was forced to figure out life for myself because I never trusted my family. I had no guidance but my own. My family was never a good example, but I wanted to be a good person anyway. I'm slowly starting to see how human I am as I loosen my unrealistically high expectations of myself. The function of me hating myself is to prevent me from doing anything wrong by creating a lot of suffering for myself. This is why I'm miserable. I just feel like such a victim and I desperately want to be in control of my life so I blame myself. I sometimes feel mad at God for being unfair. At the same time I really value the truth and being the best person I can be. I know its hard to love as God would, but that is what I want to do. I wrote about some of this in the spirituality section, and I don't seem to be ready for spirituality. The reason my mind is so inflexible is because my harsh self judgements are designed for my survival. I could not live with myself if I became like my family. I'm trying to open up to my family. Its going to be hell in the short term, but I have been suffering hell all my life. I have been trying everything to make the suffering stop. My family is completely oblivious to a lot of trauma. They seem to be partially open to me finally coming out of my shell and expressing myself. My relationships will always feel hollow if nobody knows who the hell I am. They act like they don't want me to bottle up my emotions until I stop bottling up my emotions. I swear to God I'm always doing the best I can, but I hurt so badly and I don't want to be a victim. The truth is that I feel completely depressed and defeated. I don't have any control over my life. Suicide gives me a sense of being in control. Hating myself also gives me a false sense of being in control. I have been lost in a meaningless existence for my entire life struggling to find purpose in anything. I have been walking around with suicidal thoughts for over a decade. Nobody knows a damn thing about me.

@Schizophonia Yes, I'm working on it. I work on it all the time everyday.

@Inliytened1 I'm on it. I do the actuality exercise as well. There were a bunch of different perspectives from which the ego is an illusion that I'm aware of. I've been struggling to get these spiritual teachings to actually change my psyche. My collapse is not done yet. I am currently working on a paper to discuss a ton of serious childhood trauma that my family is unaware of. I have a chronic self hatred because I have been holding onto excessive guilt to the point of suicidal thoughts for about 20 years. I'm starting to get hyper active and spontaneous along with a bunch of intense emotions. We plan on seeing a psychiatrist in two weeks. No wonder I suck at spirituality. I'm still doing my best as always. We will see how much I love myself one month from now. I feel optimistic and hopeful and simultaneously deeply hurt because this kind of stuff can take a life time to heal. I've been struggling to love myself for my entire life and I have turned to so many different things with only partial success. It is starting to blow up like it did at my mom's birthday today. She still loves me though. The problem is that I act as if I need to sacrifice my own happiness for the sake of others. I'm trying to do something radically different from what I have been doing my whole life.

I always wanted to find a higher purpose in life. I couldn't do it. Everything felt hollow to me. I wanted to change and become a better person, but nothing worked. I don't want to be a shallow human being. I hate the implications it places on my moral character. It makes it hard to live with myself. I have such a headache and I feel a lot of anger as I repeatedly say "oh my God." This may be the root of many suicidal thoughts. I'll tell the therapist too. I tried to pursue love, truth, and God. I see no higher purpose than pure understanding. I was terrible at it. I tried finding purpose in educating myself and others. Although I left a positive impact by teaching people about emotional mastery, I felt that it was never enough for me. The same goes for teaching my family about self deception and the nature of the mind. We are much more peaceful now. Beyond that what am I doing? am I starting a business to get financial freedom? Am I going to college to become a politician? Am I staying at my dead end job that pays dirt? When am I moving out? How am I leaving an impact on the world? The amount of effort I must put in to get laid is ridiculous, especially when I see it as low purpose. I hate myself. I know chess makes me happy, but the impact I leave on the world is tiny. Any other purpose I try is based on the fact that following what makes me happy wasn't an option. I want peace of mind and I can't find it elsewhere. Maybe I can do it but have limiting beliefs, but that's beside the point. I feel like my illusions and fantasies are falling apart. I'm not the person I want to be. I'll tell my family about all of this soon. I still horrible. There is so much work I must do and so much I must change about myself just to get something so trivial and shallow. I want to be a better person and I hate myself for my desires. Any thoughts?

I had another important insight. I value being good, but for the wrong reason. I value being good at least partially for fear of guilt. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me. I will continue to observe what happens to me.

I find it interesting that my dad was also a star wars fan. Given his behavior, he sets himself up perfectly for the analogy of Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker. It's an exaggeration to call him the most evil man in the galaxy. At the same time his Xbox name was DarthG13.

The emotional support of others feels hollow to me. My father's love felt hollow and empty me so to does my mother's. I never for a second believed that they were good examples. I wanted to be good so I separated myself from them to minimize their influence. I don't want to be like them, but this led to emotional neglect. Although they tried giving me hugs and saying they love me, it felt like nothing. I have been depressed since I was a young child and it all felt meaningless. when people send love my way, it feels hollow. I interpret it as a good will gesture that makes no difference to me. Thanks for trying to be good, but I don't feel the love. I don't know how to feel your love, thus I feel the same. I feel empty and hollow. I'm trying to love, but it's hard to love. I have been struggling with this my entire life.

@UnbornTao I'm afraid that my desire for sex will cause me to do something stupid. I love women so much that they impede my judgement, so I want to avoid them. I'm scared of being overwhelmed by love. It's not sex that I think is bad. It's the stupid things that my desire for sex could cause me to do. It scares me.

My grandma's vagina is fucking disgusting. It was fucking disgusting. It has hairs growing off like a penis. Somehow she didn't realize I saw her by accident. And he thought I was gay. she told me men don't lie with men, but really it's her vagina that's fucking disgusting. I don't have a problem with vaginas in genral, just not hers.

I actually love my father. It just hurts to love him because he's a fucking bastard. It happens a lot in my life. Love is fucking painful and it made me afraid to love. I wanted to avoid the pain of loving and in doing so I still fucking hurt. I fucking hurt because I hate myself and I have been struggling to love myself for my entire life.

I get the message, but if it doesn't change my life then it quickly devolves into dogmatism. This entire forum is dogmatic about Leo's perspective already. We use spiral dynamics all the time. We stress the truth of no self or the truth of God all the time even though most of us never realized it. All of this could easily be turned into another religion and many of us are in denial that spirituality is not working despite Leo's best efforts to be good.

@Sugarcoat your entire post described me very accurately. I constantly imagined myself as very social and charismatic because I hated myself and I think I can't do it. I fail all the time even though I'm trying to be good. It is so fucking painful. People tell me to accept myself, but they don't accept me because I hurt them without wanting to. It is fucking painful and it makes me hate myself. I want to be different, but I can't. It hurts.

@Sincerity you have no idea how much that means to me. Thank you. As for my father, my favorite thing about him is that he's dead. The joy he brought to the family by dying was good. I'm grateful for that.

@jimwell thank you very much. I considered killing myself because of the fear that I would murder my step father. I understood that I would rather die than become a monster. It seems that I felt like I was a terrible person due to some kind of childhood imprinting. I believed I didn't have the freedom to not be like my father. There is the whole narrative about me carrying on my father's name, but it's ridiculous, I never believed it. Basically, the entire family has been full of criminals for a very long time. He and his father were hoping that one day the cycle would end. They placed their hope on me. I'm not carrying their name though.

I tried. I didn't finish the forgiveness video. It's difficult. There is a lot of intense emotions that I don't have the energy to deal with. There's a lot of anger I don't know how to deal with. It was getting hard to breathe. I might try the exercise outside with fresh air.

@Raze if you are referring to the OCD book, then no. I instead started using OCD videos and they were helpful at first. I stopped watching the videos once I started taking anti depressants designed to help with OCD. The doctor told me to stop taking the anti depressants because I was experiencing increased feelings of sadness. This is my first day without the pills and I feel anxious. I am changing again and I don't understand what's happening.

It's so intense that I'm hyper ventilating just thinking about it. I'm slowly getting a hold of myself. It is tough, but I I'm sure I can do it. It's so hard. I'm afraid of not begin able to control myself as I fail to wear a condom and cause something bad to happen. I'm so scared that people think I'm gay. I was bullied at school as the kids called me a fa*****. My dad threatened to disown me if I were gay. My grandma was worried that I wanted to have sex with men as she preached the bible and told me how horrible sex with other men would be. My mom thought I was gay. My sisters thought I was gay. It's just so hard to get over the fear of how women could cause me to act. I think women make it very tempting for men to act stupid. I want to maintain judgement rather than losing it. It's so hard, but I am slowly finding the balance to keep myself in control. I'm scared, but I know that this fear is just the emotions connected to a thought. I can do this. I want to be a man.

Important observation I am afraid of vagina because I love it so much that I'm afraid of doing something stupid. I have a hard time trusting myself not to do something stupid. I am struggling with this intense fear. I can tell that it impedes my judgement and it terrifies me. It causes me such a headache that I am struggling with so much. I'm trying to trust myself and to overcome these feelings, but I find it so difficult. I am trying to trust myself not to do something stupid, but it is so hard.

I'm afraid of the temptation to use trauma as an excuse for selfishness. I'm afraid of the temptation to use autism as an excuse for selfishness. This is why I lived in denial of the extent to which these things affect me or hurt me. I want to be better than using my pain as an excuse to pass it on. I'm afraid that if I don't restrain myself, then I will hurt others and/or hurt myself when my selfishness ultimately backfires. Not only would it hurt to be called out on my selfishness, but it would also hurt others through discrediting their trauma. The fear that I would do these things led to thoughts like "I hate myself." I understand that all of this is a struggle for love confused for self hatred.

@Schizophonia I talked to the therapist. It was intense. He said he's gonna check up on me in a couple of days. I should be fine. It's just a lot.

I read that book already. I think it places too much emphasis on the Catholics. The author probably had a shadow there. In order to forgive my father I must also forgive myself. The similarity I am afraid of is selfishness. Throughout my life I have hurt others and enjoyed it. I bullied a mentally disabled kid and made him cry when I was in daycare. I did something sexual with my sister when I was six. I tortured the cats when I was a teenager. I beat my sister upside the head with a boot. I got into a fight with her in the car when I was in high school. I was afraid that I would murder my step father over a complicated situation, likewise dad said he would kill him. I didn't call the police on my mother, father, and step father because I loved them. I'm now confused about my feelings toward my step father. I'm confused. The list goes on. I used spirituality to avoid facing life. Maybe I'll try the forgiveness exercise later. I've got a lot on my mind. It's crazy. I think my life purpose is to be a better dad than dad.

All of you are right about the man I used to be. A lot of childhood trauma is coming up and is a lot. I talked to the therapist and my doctor. It was intense. The reason I hated myself so much was because I would rather die than be like my father. I was so afraid of being like my father that it prevented me from developing parental instincts. I now feel like they are starting to come online. I want to be a better dad than dad. Its intense. But yes, I want vagina. I am staying productive despite my complete emotional wreck. It is just so much to take in.