Intraplanetary

You know, I get what you're saying. I've been conditioned my whole life (as many of us) that this is the way society works and we need to adapt and be rational and go to uni, find an office job and that's basically it. Mission accomplished. What I haven't been seeing that this is another story of the ego and its beliefs. I've never stopped and asked myself - What do you really want to do in life? What's my Heart's desire? And perhaps I feel rush and need to know and understand because my ego wants certainty and its worried about its survival and fitting in. What if I let go of this part of my past as well? All the expectations and rules and beliefs about how to live life. Just by thinking about it, I feel more spacious and more courageous to entertain the idea about choosing my own, unique way.

I'm so STUCK. I feel I'm extremely behind in life. I've been going through very negative thoughts about my age and not being able to get my basics together... I'm almost 29. I've graduated in August with the highest achievement for Urban Planning. I don't really know how I got this award because inside I kinda feel I'm not worth it.. because I didn't study enough and didn't put enough effort. Sometimes, I feel I'm not knowledgable or skilful enough for such a career, or any career. I've had only 2 interviews since graduation and I wasn't able to secure a job. I like to blame covid-19 for the overall employment issues, but I'm painfully aware of how little I've been actually trying to apply, etc. The lack of effort I put into a job search is largely attributed to my mental health issues. I struggle with an eating disorder for over 15 years which I used as a method to escape reality. I should also say that I always feel resistant to do stuff that benefits me. However, I put quite a lot of effort into spiritual work. I meditate, read, contemplate, went to vipassana retreat and planning another one this year, and almost every month I solo trip on lsd. The spiritual work has been benefiting me in a way that I become more conscious of my emotions and thoughts and A LOT MORE creative. Increased creativity is directly linked to my lsd trips. Despite my mental health, I'm a social person. I enjoy talking with people and can get along with people at all levels. I'm also grateful for what I have and try to see my struggles in a positive light. I practice self-acceptance and self-love. I know I'm smart and able and I want to believe that I still could achieve in life. But I don't know how can I move forward. Should I persevere and look for a job only in planning and design? But I really need money hence I'm now looking for any office-based job and that makes me sad, disappointed and as a total failure. I'm afraid of not getting a job in my industry and having wasted 4 years of specialised education. I was thinking about creating my PORTFOLIO, I could spend around 6 months on it and then improve my job prospects, I thought it also would be a bonus if I decided to do a Master degree. I wanted to ask your opinion in general about my situation and also if you can give me some tips on the portfolio. How and Where to start? Any good resources out there? How realistic am I actually being about making it? Thank you ?

Thank you! That's one huge perspective I've been missing. I need to zoom out more and see the bigger picture.

mindfuck

v

It's hard for me to express how much these words mean to me. It's like talking to myself Love you ❤️

You're right saying that I worry too much. But I feel this pull inside that I need to do something but at the same time, I'm not sure what to do. And I'm trying to take my time but my ego says no no time anymore you're 29 and have nothing to show off. Thank you for your kind words ❤️

Reminds me. 2 years ago I tried shamanic breathing for the first time. After 30 mins, I sat and was overwhelmed by the explosion of colours and emotions. I cried so deeply and felt pain and happiness at the same time. Breath is medicine ❤️

Thank you, I needed this ❤️

Exactly. And my main concern - can I surrender my ego before having developed all the aspects of lower stages as those models describe... Perhaps, it depends

I can relate a lot. I wouldn't be on a spiritual journey if it wasn't for suffering. Classical.

What's your portfolio about?

Thank you for your reply. What you said turned out to be the truth. Since I posted this thread, I've been going through some serious letting go process. It's like shedding my old skin and seeing through the illusion of my life story and the realities my ego constructed. I try to relax and be easy with myself and allow time to put things into perspective about what to do next.

From the right view, aloneness is a gift. Use it wisely. If you find yourself in this situation and feel bad about it, I would suggest don't try to change it but look at it from all the possible perspectives and fully accept it as your experience. Just be you. Don't try to be 'normal'. Then, if you still desire, go and find a company of your liking.

That's a really good point. However, as per your example, do you think that not having sex AND not needing it still create problems? Don't you think that we can consciously choose and transcend ego survival needs without needing to go through the whole experience? Let's say someone wants sex, hence goes to fulfil his ego desire but he has no need for a relationship and maybe never had one. Does this make a person somehow undeveloped? Lopsided?

Yes

I'm aware but obviously not enough to navigate through ego deceptions

I love this diversity. And I really want to embrace my uniqueness. It's just hard to navigate through so many faces of ego and its deceptions. But perhaps that's the main challenge to be overcome.

Would you say then that is possible to consciously transcend a stage without fully living it through? If I wanted to get a career in today's society, it would think that I need to regress to orange/achievers stage and fully experience that. Because well, I've never really achieved anything significant money wise. However, my heart has no desire to do so, it's only my ego would need to do it for survival purposes. If we look at the model, it could be said that there is a gap in my development and that I need to fill the 'holes'. However, as you said, maybe the model is not necessarily useful in my situation and ego development may unfold in a non-linear way? If I allowed it. It's hard to think about my development in any other way because these models seem to be so powerful and true. But thank you for your reply. It really is a new perspective.

What do you mean by this?

It shows the level of immaturity that exists among users of this forum

When I smoke weed I get deep realisations. But only if I smoke maybe every 2-3 months and in between, I do other things such as meditation and psychedelics. Only then, weed takes me to a very deep contemplative state.

noooooo