Kshantivadin

I was a hardcore nofap guy. I don't not masturbate anymore. But I don't ejaculate. So just semen retention. That's a different level though. You have be pretty conscious for that and practice taoist techniques. A bit more tantric. I think practicing during times of high arousal is very beneficial for working with emotions and tantra in general. It's true though, that if my life were a little bit better, I'd never even consider putting a dick in my hand. Just make a booty call At one point you pass over the state of wanting/needing to orgasm. You reach a certain revulsion towards orgasming and everything accompanying it. And you ride the waves of being sexually charged, the beautiful energy becomes transmuted, and the Universe oh so vibrant

Is it legitimate for my life purpose to be "to grow enough, gather the resources and courage to experience 5-MeO-DMT"? This post is just the birth of an idea, I just wanted to immediately post it while in the proper mindset instead of keeping a scrap in my commonplace, so there's not that much detail. This would basically mean doing lots of personal development. Or getting myself in a crazy enough state to just do it immediately I naturally gravitate towards this substance. I think about it a lot. My current state of consciousness is so low that I'm not even conscious there are heightened states of consciousness. I did some MDMA a week ago, and finally remembered "fuck, I can actually be more conscious! It's possible!" I was groping in a dark room for half a year at least. Had a hard time maintaining a regular practice, etc. But even doing retreats, my consciousness is painfully dim. It's so dim that I've developed a limiting belief that something's wrong with me, and I can't break through being a barely-awake dissociated human being. There is a lot of fear related to psychedelics. Even when I get really high on weed, I can get scared from the altered state. The good thing is I also have the virtue of courage Having this life purpose would make me grow through the fear. Having this life purpose would definitely give a structure to my life, goals to work towards, a vision. I'd push my limits every day, and grow a lot. I think I answered my own question, and the answer is "if it feels good, why the fuck not?" Nevertheless, I would really gladly read your thoughts about this matter. I'd really regret dying and not taking this substance. But I'm even too dim to uncover what I really want.

How do you feel?

thanks for making me laugh lol they sat with you cause they wanted to talk to you.

I am far from that, true. I have a passion for helping people, though. I know how much I suffer. I know how much they suffer. My idea of liberation is a permanent state free of suffering. There is bodhicitta. Everything else seems completely secondary, all of my other passions, endeavors, this is the real deal, this is the main problem. And I can grow myself into a person who can help and be of use in this matter. A life purpose that's a bit more closer to my experience of life? I suffer immensely. I've experienced numerous mystical states, and I know that's the right way to go. Making any use of my life to others is better than none. I've hit rock bottom recently, so that humbled me a lot concerning my life purpose. I know that in this petty state I can't really be of much help. My gifts can't shine from all these layers of problems. Even though I've grown a lot these past years of personal development, it's not much. Wisdom? yeah. Compassion? sure. Love? yeah. but far from enough. I don't feel enlightened. I suffer a lot. My desire to get others enlightened comes from compassion and love. I wish them the best. I've had my share of painful altered states of consciousness. I don't want hell. It can come any moment, though, I don't really know anything about reality so as to be sure about that. Also, this experience can or might be an iteration of hell. What happens is definitely not in my control. Sorry for the mediocre reply.

@Leo Gura I definitely want others to get enlightened. I don't know what experiencing 5-MeO is like. "to grow (which includes experimenting with substances for the purpose of growth) in order to be able to help others reach liberation"

I feel you. I was on antipsychotics for a while, so less serotonin problems and more dopamine problems. Keep in touch for troubleshooting, since I'm willing to do some. Anhedonia, no libido and similar stuff, for months after quitting. I just woke up so I'll write more later.

What time of the day? Should you eat before? etc etc. thanks

Here's what I do. I just cycle coffee. 1 day on, 2 days off. The cognitive boost / euphoric effects tolerance is super fast, tolerance builds up after around 3-4 days I believe. Wakefulness effects stay the same though. But from personal experience, you probably know that even the second day of drinking is way less effective in both motivation, energy, cognition and even wakefulness. i sympathise with this. i just go for a workout to ease the dread.

beautiful report!! thank you so much for writing this.

I wholeheartedly hope this will be of use to you. http://www.siddharthasintent.org/assets/King-of-Aspiration-Prayers.pdf with metta, Kshantivadin

I don't know if you guys know about Simon Posford. Someone here definitely doesn't, and this music is so beautiful that it must open you up for the possibility that you are IT! @Leo Gura you will love this, I saw you posted some "post-enlightenment music" multiple times on your blog. Enjoy!!!!!!!!!!! Beautiful parts of reality seem to be the easiest way to open up the mind for realizing Truth. I've been running away from Beauty for so long, so I could keep a petty self up and going. Just even to consider the idea that this song might be me is astoundingly beautiful, jaw-dropping and disarming.

Please share your wisdom about these experiences. I've had them for a long, long time but never paid attention to them. I see something, and I don't feel like I've dreamed about it or something, I feel like I've already experienced this. Sometimes I know exactly what is going to happen as it unfolds, because I "already lived it / have a memory of it". I am so confused about this because it's shattering my worldview.

@VerballyHazardous Proud of you to have the wisdom to tell the people you reached out to how they should help you. hahahaha

Don't get too attached to experience! many facets of awakening

I've only had glimpses and this was so radical that I'm still having trouble grounding myself. How do I take care of my body now? How do I chill out from the work? hahahahaha. My mind keeps going back to contemplating this, disregarding the relative aspects of life. Luckily, this time I am wise enough to sleep and eat.

@Pookie @justfortoday And it must be infinite?

You need psychedelic assistance for your ignorance lol @Preety_India do you kill mosquitoes? or bugs?

"My personality" is a concept. "My condition" is a concept. Your post has a painful amount of victim mentality in it. Yes, it hurts, a lot of things hurt here. First noble truth brother. Please take responsibility for your mind ASAP. The mind can be trained. Does that not inspire you? Maybe you need to see something really beautiful to open you up. Reality is so much more.

Vision. Have such an inspiring vision for your circumstances, mind purification, state of consciousness, that the reality you live in right now is just one of the stepping stones to another life. You literally don't have to live this kind of life. What do you want? Remind yourself that if your mind were purified, you'd already live an amazing life, right there where you are, right now.

You can just fuck girls without "liking them". Why do you feel bad after hook-ups? If having a loaded gun makes you needy, you're doing something wrong.

Nevermind the metaphysics behind it, you're not manifesting the reality you want obviously. I'd say the mistake is your left-brain mathematical approach to social interactions. Combine that with low energy and nerdiness and of course they'll get weirded out.

I am a long way from realizing Oneness. I do have lots of experience with girls though. Not one got weirded out by me cold approaching her in a 3rd world country.

Can you please elaborate? Why do you think girls would get weirded out by you approaching them?

I've listened to a lot of music, and haven't come across an album that's more beautiful than this one : If you know of another piece, please do share. funny comment : > "When you're certain the members of Shpongle are actually deities trying to free minds"