Amandine

First thing every morning after a coffee, I burn 300 calories (on the highest resistance level) standing on my indoor bike (not sitting) which takes about 40 minutes. Then there's the housework, cleaning windows, shopping, gardening, ... a woman's work is never done lol. I also do a little salsa while waiting for the kettle to boil. Actually I dance a lot at home, I'm a happy person. There's also all that stuff that goes on between the sheets Tbh, can't be arsed after all that to do stuff like weights or strength training, no energy left man. I kinda do what I enjoy, make it fun, and leave the rest. But at least you can't call me lazy. It's better than what my hubby's doing, which is absolutely nothing, apart from taking down the trash. I'll try and galvanize him to do a bit more, don't want him dying before me and leaving me all on my lonesome. Just kidding. I'll also add that I go EVERYWHERE by bike (never owned a car). So lugging a load of kilos of shopping (including cat litter) is all the weight training I think I need. Biking everywhere is great cos it's a great way to avoid the pick-up artists too haha. Why we do it? For the cardio, but also so I can watch my youtube videos without feeling like a couch potato (it's kinda mindful in so far as some of those videos are Leo's). Also because physical activity stimulates the release of dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin. Tada, that's probably why I'm a happy person. What our goals/ long term plans with our routines are? To carry on doing the same. How we want to improve/ change them? Happy with things as they are, thanks. You're so lucky @LfcCharlie4 you get to play cricket, I can just imagine you clad out in all that smart cricket gear, I bet you look like the bee's knees. I used to really love sports as a kid, feeling nostalgic right now for those halcyon days in Summer at school ... hockey, baseball, netball, etc. Hope reincarnation exists if only to be able to come back and do all that stuff again, those days went by too fast for me, I never got enough of them. All of a sudden, they were frigging gone, no-one warned me about that. But when I think about it, it wasn't very clever of my dad taking us for fish and chips straight after swimming classes, kinda undid all the good work. I can still smell the bleach mixed with malt vinegar on my spanking clean wrinkly fingers. Sometimes I wish I were a mum and I'd had kids, then I could get the chance to do all those crazy things on Sports Day like the egg-and-spoon race, the sack race, the blindfold race, 3-legged race, etc (do you guys know what I'm going on about?). I'm so competitive and sporty, just a big kid really, I'd just have to win. Sometimes on the tv I see adults doing amazing obstacle races, crawling through the mud and stuff, I'd enjoy doing all that. I'll love you and leave you, been on my arse too long already typing this, starting to feel antsy haha.

@Adam M Wow, thank you for all that. I'm blown away by how accurate and spot on that reading was. I also looked up my husband's full chart and several family members (although I don't know their birth times), it describes them to a tee too. ?

Oh how so bitter-sweet life is. I know exactly where you're coming from, bro. The powerlessness kills me.

I am not looking for any criticism in this journal. I'm doing the best I can step by baby step. Thank you for any support and encouragement. Leo's Journal Guidelines: * you could start a journal around ...your fat-loss journey * give it a sexy title Okay, I'm 164cm (5'4 1/5) and weighed 62.2kgs (136.8 lbs) this morning. This is the heaviest I've ever weighed, so am not feeling "good in my skin" right now. Some of my clothes are starting to feel tight, I'm not happy at this weight. I mostly hate the ways my thighs splay out when I sit down. I hate my husband touching my upper arms cos I feel they've got "chunkier". Although he says he hasn't noticed, bless him. I'd like my butt to feel less "padded" too. My aim is to get back to my usual weight of 55kgs (121 lbs). Which means a weight loss of 7.2 kgs (15.8 lbs). This 7kg weight has crept up slowly with daily aperitifs of wine and cheese/nuts. In 2018, I had the worst nightmare happen in my Family of Origin. My heroin criminal brother was isolating and exploiting my vulnerable elderly disabled mum. And she kept claiming she was happy with him being there. So I started drinking wine to cope with the nightmare trauma of it all. This is what happened for those interested: I was verbally threatened by my brother not to even phone my mum, let alone visit her. I also live very far away in another country, so was limited in how much I could do. I felt upset and disappointed that my sisters didn't do more to look after or protect my mum. So I decided to cut off ties with the whole lot of them for my own sanity. It was the best decision I could have done, and something I've been wanting to do for a very long time. But before I always felt too guilty to cut off, like the proverbial captain abandoning ship, so never did. If you read my story, you will understand why. I may have to learn to live with survivor's guilt for the rest of my life. I have now stopped drinking since being on this site, which I've journaled in my Goals thread. My very first goal was to stop alcohol, I now only have an occasional glass of wine at a special event. I'm also meditating for 20 minutes every day, which I'm already feeling the benefits from. And reading a chapter of "As A man thinketh" every day as well as daily affirmations. https://wahiduddin.net/thinketh/as_a_man_thinketh.pdf I hope to find on this site healthier ways to deal with my pain than through alcohol. By doing the necessary Personal Development work. Starting on things like Inner Child work and Family of Origin work, Co-dependency and Shadow work. Among other interesting "inner work" and therapies that I will discover can be done as I go along. However, I won't be happy until I get back to the weight I was before all this started, my usual 55kgs. So, what's the best diet for me? I need to be able to eat whatever I want, no holds barred, no taboo foods, etc I have always ate clean most of my life, quite a bit of organic, and mainly vegetarian (for animal cruelty reasons). I love baking and discovering new recipes, so need to be able to continue cooking whatever I like. I am a bit OCD with numbers and calculating, so don't mind counting calories. It'll be less time consuming than having to change my wardrobe, lol. Sometimes people seem not to like the idea of counting calories. But for me it's so much easier because otherwise you're always wondering "I should have seen a result by now". But if it's just the maths then you know what's happening, you can't go wrong, and you don't have to wonder. If I create a deficit of 3500 calories each week (that's 500 cals a day) through both diet and exercise, I will lose about one pound of body weight on average weekly. So the whole 16lbs will be gone by springtime. Limiting myself to 1,600 cals a day seems doable, difficult but doable. I should probably normally consume around 1,850 cals for maintenance. So that's a 250 daily calorie deficit through diet (=1,600 cals a day). And at least 250 calories less through exercise (I'll do more if I can, I enjoy it). Slow and steady wins the race, I don't like freaking myself out. Starting tomorrow. If all goes well, I should reach my goal in 16 weeks, or 4 months time, by end April. I'll also have a cheat meal from time to time where I go out for a nice meal somewhere. My husband and I usually do that once a week. I'll just increase the exercise around the cheat meal to compensate. New motto: nothing tastes as good as looking naked feels

I like it too. When I first saw it, I felt like I was looking up at the Statue of Liberty on a sunny day.

Hello @Chumbimba I've written a bit about neurotransmitters here, you'll find some info in the links provided. Great advice from @Michael569 ? Good luck with your diet, you do a great job when you're on your own, lean protein and complex carbs (fruit & veg tho' I'm not sure about the wheat part, it all depends what products), well done anyway! ? I hope your living arrangements improve soon.

We are what we eat, literally. There are a lot of books out there dealing with "food and mood" which can be overwhelming but a couple of good books I've bought looking at food and its link to our neurotransmitters include: 1. Potatoes not Prozac by Kathleen DesMaisons https://www.amazon.com/Potatoes-Not-Prozac-Solutions-Addiction/dp/1982106476/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3BZ2LU2IKO4W3&keywords=potatoes+not+prozac&qid=1582645326&s=books&sprefix=potatoes+not+%2Cstripbooks-intl-ship%2C215&sr=1-1 This is another exerpt from her book (apart from the above Amazon "look inside" extract): https://books.google.fr/books?id=VnWck7kOCWAC&pg=PT72&lpg=PT72&dq=potatoes+not+prozac+neurotransmitters&source=bl&ots=AQzw3lBGLx&sig=ACfU3U3J1CcIli73H0622sPgbVP0sV3mhg&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwiOidKe3-znAhUQyxoKHdMkDZ0Q6AEwCnoECAoQAQ#v=onepage&q=potatoes not prozac neurotransmitters&f=false The author also has a website called https://radiantrecovery.com/ (where she basically covers everything that is in her books). She and her forum are good at responding to individual queries. If you're an adult child of an alcoholic and/or sugar-addict, you will find that moving along what she calls the "carbohydrate continuum" will help. The "white" stuff is on one end of the continuum and the green/brown stuff on the other. Eating three meals a day containing enough protein and complex carbohydrates, along with eating a potato before bed (alternatives are given), can help your body naturally self-regulate your moods and emotions. This is especially true for people who are caught on the roller coaster of sugar addiction, as potatoes can help break the sugar craving cycle by naturally boosting serotonin and dopamine, helping you better avoid temptation. Apart from stabilizing blood sugar, another neurotransmitter she deals with is beta endorphin. She takes you step by step through the process of balancing your neurotransmitters. For example: 1. First master eating breakfast with protein 2. Then when that's done, try journaling what you eat and how you feel 3. When you've got that down, now try to eat three meals a day with protein and a complex carb 4. Then take the recommended vitamins and have a potato before bed 5. Next shift from white foods to brown foods 6. Finally reduce or eliminate sugars Nice gentle process so you don't spook yourself (or your brain lol) by going too fast. Cold turkey can be good too (you can do all those 6 steps together if you prefer), but this step-by-step approach may work better for some (certainly helps reduce the headaches and other sugar/refined carb withdrawal symptoms by going slower). ********************************************************************************************* 2. Change your brain, change your life by Daniel Amen https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/110190464X/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i1 This is another exerpt from his book (apart from the above Amazon "look inside" extract): https://books.google.fr/books?id=lY8LKt-hz2kC&pg=PT1&lpg=PT1&dq=Brain+do's+and+brain+dont's+daniel+amen&source=bl&ots=--f94zOMg9&sig=ACfU3U1LAwSJ_Fb9GJ_eGytmQx3kDayPAA&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwihkILjge3nAhUJLBoKHSa0AFYQ6AEwDHoECAwQAQ#v=onepage&q=Brain do's and brain dont's daniel amen&f=false He has his own youtube channel and here are some other videos: In his book, according to your "complaint", he prescribes a diet of say higher protein/lower carbs, or the opposite higher carbs/lower protein, depending on the part of the brain and neurotransmitters in question. So like a keto diet would not necessarily suit everyone. Take the case of ADD, there are 7 types of ADD and each type has its own prescription: https://www.verywellmind.com/understanding-dr-daniel-amens-6-types-of-add-20466 He talks a lot about the nutritional aspect in the blog on his website (as well as a host of other valuable information): https://www.amenclinics.com/category/nutrition/ Basically, he's saying we're not stuck with the brains we're born with, we can make them better. Through the right nutrients you can heal your brain and therefore change your life to quell anxiety, depression, ANTs (automatic negative thoughts), anger, addictions, impulsiveness, Fear, PTSD, Procrastination, OCD, ADD, etc as well as prevent future neurological issues (eg. Alzheimer's). For every type of brain function or malfunction Dr. Amen prescribes remedies, exercises, and various foods that may help and things to avoid that harm the brain (alcohol, toxins, smoking, pesticides, etc). He also gives suggestions for how to improve memory, reverse or reduce symptoms of various illnesses, and describes the 12 principles to change your brain. He recommends certain supplements (like gingko biloba, omega-3 fatty acids, a moss extract known as Huperzine A, etc) for better brain health that are easily accessible over-the-counter ones. The book is easy to read and is geared for a non-medical reader, offering hope to those who think their struggles are moral, genetic or permanent failures, and practical, simple steps to improve anyone's brain health. He's not without his critics, but what he says makes sense. Here's his list of practical brain do's and dont's to optimize your own brain function and begin to break bad brain habits that hold you back from getting what you want in life. Brain Dos: ? ? 1. Wear a helmet in high-risk situations. 2. Drink lots of water (six to eight 8-ounce glasses daily) to stay well hydrated. 3. Eat healthfully, adjusting the proportion of protein and carbohydrate to your brain needs. 4. Take gingko biloba as necessary under your doctor's supervision. 5. Think positive, healthy thoughts. 6. Love, feed, and exercise your internal ant-eater to rid yourself of ANTs (automatic negative thoughts). 7. Every day, take time to focus on the things you are grateful for in your life. 8. Watch the Disney movie Pollyanna. 9. Spend time with positive, uplifting people. 10. Spend time with people you want to be like (you are more likely to become like them). 11. Work on your "people skills" to become more connected and to enhance limbic bonds. 12. Talk to others in loving, helpful ways. 13. Surround yourself with great smells. 14. Build a library of wonderful experiences. 15. Make a difference in the life of someone else. 16. Exercise. 17. Regularly connect with your loved ones. 18. Learn diaphragmatic breathing. 19. Learn and use self-hypnosis and meditation on a daily basis. 20. Remember the "18/40/60 Rule". (see note below)*** 21. Effectively confront and deal with situations involving conflict. 22. Develop clear goals for your life (relationships, work, money, and self) and reaffirm them every day. 23. Focus on what you like a lot more than what you don't like. 24. Collect penguins (this one is personal to the author, he explains in the book about his penguin collection). 25. Have meaning, purpose, excitement, and stimulation in your life. (but no bungee jumping, haha, see below) 26. Establish eye contact with and smile frequently at others. 27. Consider brainwave biofeedback or audiovisual stimulation to optimize brain function. 28. Notice when you're stuck, distract yourself, and come back to the problem later. 29. Think through answers before automatically saying no. (I'd like to add, before automatically saying yes too) 30. Write out options and solutions when you feel stuck. 31. Seek the counsel of others when you feel stuck (often just talking about feeling stuck will open new options). 32. Memorize and recite the Serenity Prayer daily and whenever bothered by repetitive thoughts (God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference). 33. Take a break and come back later when you're unsuccessfully tried to convince someone who is stuck. 4. Use paradoxical requests in dealing with cingulate people. 35. Make naturally oppositional children mind you the first time (through a firm, kind, authoritative stance). 36. Learn something new every day. 37. Enhance your memory skills. 38. Sing and hum whenever you can. 39. Make beautiful music a part of your life. 40. Make beautiful smells a part of your life. 41. Touch others often (appropriately). 42. Make love with your partner. 43. Move in rhythms. 44. Use a skilled psychotherapist when needed. 45. Use an EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) therapist to deal with trauma. 46. Take head injuries seriously, even minor ones. 47. Take medications when needed, under your doctor's supervision. 48. Take herbal remedies when needed, under your doctor's supervision. 49. Consider underlying brain problems in substance abusers. 50. Do full brain evaluations for people who do terrible things. Brain Dont's: ?? 1. Isolate a developing baby. 2. Use alcohol, tobacco, drugs, or much caffeine when pregnant. 3. Ignore erratic behavior. 4. Lie around the house and never exercise. 5. Ignore concussions. 6. Smoke. 7. Drink much caffeine. 8. Drink much alcohol. 9. Do addictive drugs (NO heroin, crack, cocaine, methamphetamines (unless in prescribed doses for ADD)). 10. Eat without forethought about what foods are best for your brain. 11. Drive without wearing a seat belt. 12. Ride a motorcycle, bicycle, skateboard, in-line skates, snowboard, and so forth without a helmet. 13. Hit a soccer ball with your head. 14. Bang your head when you're frustrated (protect the head of children who are head bangers). 15. Bungee jump. 16. Hand out with people who do addictive drugs, fight, or are involved in other dangerous activities. 17. Allow your breathing to get out of control. 18. Think in black-or-white terms. 19. Think in words like always, never, every time, everyone. 20. Focus on the negative things in your life. 21. Predict the worst. 22. Think only with your feelings. 23. Try to read other people's minds. 24. Blame other people for your problems. 25. Label yourself or others with negative terms. 26. Beat up yourself or others with guilt (very ineffective). 27. Personalize situations that have little to do with you. 28. Feed your ANTs. 29. Use sex as a weapon with your partner. 30. Talk to others in a hateful way. 31. Push people away. 32. Be around toxic smells. 33. Be around toxic people. 34. Focus too much on what other people think of you (odds are they aren't thinking about you at all, see note below***). 35. Allow your life to just happen without you directing and planning it. 36. Take the "stimulant bait" from other people. 37. Be another person's stimulant. 38. Allow thoughts to go over and over in your head. 39. Automatically say no to others; think first if what they want fits with your goals. 40. Automatically say yes to others; think first if what they want fits with your goals. 41. Argue with someone who is stuck. 42. Isolate yourself when you feel worried, depressed, or panicky. 43. Allow naturally oppositional children to be oppositional. 44. Listen to toxic music. 45. Blame substance abusers as morally defective. 46. Refuse to take medications when needed. 47. Self-medicate; when you have problems, get help from professionals. 48. Deny you have problems. 49. Refuse to listen to the people you love who are trying to tell you to get help. 50. Withhold love, touch, and companionship from those you love as a way to express anger. ******************************************************************** *** the "18/40/60 Rule" (p.105) When you're 18, you worry about what everybody is thinking of you When you're 40, you don't give a damn about what anybody is thinking of you When you're 60, you realize nobody's been thinking about you at all

Thank you @deso for sharing that with us, that took some courage. ?? I'm so sorry for what you're going through, my heart goes out to you. Your life must feel like hell right now. I really think @Nahm can help you with this. He's the real deal, he will know where you're at and how to help you out of it, like he's helped so many here. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Everything is as it should be. Nothing you have done is wrong. Nothing has been lost. You are mourning something that is no longer as it was. The time now for you is spiritual healing. I've read your whole story, you have nothing to reproach yourself for. It is "natural" you are wanting to blame yourself because you are in so much pain and torment. In despair, you are projecting all that agony onto yourself right now by criticizing yourself. I know where you're coming from. I'm a bit of a perfectionist and quite intuitive myself, and I literally kick myself, mad as hell, when I don't listen to my gut feeling and things go catastrophically bad. Man I give myself such a rough time. I also have so many regrets and the feeling I've wasted so much precious time in my life and should be way more ahead than I am. It's one of my biggest lessons I have to learn in life, overcoming these perfectionist tendancies. You did the best you could at the time. Many of us don't always trust our gut instinct, we're only human after all, yes we get fed up and tired and we often implicitly trust the men in white coats, the experts. None of that is our fault. Some doctors probably don't even bother discussing other options (like steroid creams, stretching techniques, etc) perhaps because they really believe that circumcision is the best one. Unfortunately as with any operation, they are not always without complications, even with the best surgeons. You are not alone, as you can see from the articles below. https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-48057183 https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-47292307 https://melmagazine.com/en-us/story/botched-circumcision-complications-statistics-stories https://15square.org.uk/circumcised-men/ This guy researched "restorative kits" and reverse surgery, but alas to no avail. We're all doing the best we can with what we've got (and from reading your story, you have always been doing your best). It's always easier in hindsight to say we could have done things better, and talk as though we're supposed to have all the answers. Ha only God knows everything. Why should we automatically expect that level of perfection for ourselves? If I opened a thread on this site asking people what things they regretted in their lives, there would be a ton of things way worse than anything here you've ever done. I know people who seriously regret 30 years of their lives, your 3 years kinda fade in comparison. Man, you've got your whole life ahead of you, it could be such an awesome life, you're only a spring chicken, you've hardly begun and you've already learned so many valuable things compared to your peers, loosen the grip a bit and learn to let go of all this huge pressure you're putting on yourself. Look at this brave dude above, he's in the same boat as you and he's just going to get on with things. Imagine this problem happening to a son of yours that you love very much. You would not want him to give up, you would want him to go beyond it and grow from it. You would not say all this was his fault, you wouldn't abandon him the way you're whipping and torturing yourself right now. Stop beating yourself up. You deserve more tender love and care towards yourself. You wouldn't treat someone you love like that. Leo has some awesome videos here on how to really love yourself more, self-love is the essence of it all. We are supposed to learn from our mistakes, that's how we get past the pain of them. For example, one lesson you can learn from this is say never again have surgery without perhaps doing some research first, looking on Internet to see what other viable options there might be. That lesson could save your life in the future, who knows? Maybe you were meant to learn that lesson now? I feel someone like you could never lose or waste much time in life anyway, because you're competitive and a bit of a control freak and way too damn hard on yourself already, you wouldn't let yourself get away with wasting much time. I keep reminding myself you're only 22, you're talking like some old dude who's wasted like 50 or 60 years!! You CAN heal. You're lucky you seem to have some good intuitive skills, but you're also a perfectionist and very hard on yourself, you really need to let go of all that and learn to love yourself more and have more self-compassion and self-acceptance. This is the secret to having everything in your life work. You have asked for help here, and I sincerely hope you get the help you need. Talk to Nahm, he's the best. ? There is also some information, advice and guidance on this website that you might find useful: https://15square.org.uk/ Has this been a year now you've been dealing with this @deso ?

@Marc Schinkel Love it, got me up dancing that one, and it's only 6am. ? Don't think there are many men with a deeper voice than that guy lol. Singing away to this too as a beautiful sunrise is flooding the dawn sky There're so many amazing versions out there, but I particularly love these more upbeat faster jazzier rhythm and the voices, just wow. I play it too on the piano, brings me a lot of joy as I dance (yep even while playing) and scat sing my way through, I'm in heaven. I even whistle it while riding around on my bike.

Hi @Zigzag Idiot yeah, I'm over here too. I love my music (shame this thread fizzled out), I see you'd discovered it already: Yeah blasts from the past, here's a couple more if we're gonna go down the country lane route:

Don't listen to any of the songs on here then, they'll only make it worse too.

Love her voice (another one that can sing and smile at the same time how the hell do they do it?) and I love the crowd's dancing, not kidding every single person's doing his own unique thing, you won't find one single person dancing like anyone else in this video. People are so funny, you gotta love 'em. If there's anyone here that can watch that video to the absolute end without laughing, you've got some awesome will power. And that guy on the podium (in the middle of the video) has anyone ever seen anyone as skinny as that? I had to look twice. I beg your pardon I never promised you a rose garden Along with the sunshine There's gotta be a little rain some time When you take you gotta give so live and let live Or let go oh-whoa-whoa-whoa I beg your pardon I never promised you a rose garden I could promise you things like big diamond rings But you don't find roses growin' on stalks of clover So you better think it over Well if sweet-talkin' you could make it come true I would give you the world right now on a silver platter But what would it matter So smile for a while and let's be jolly Love shouldn't be so melancholy Come along and share the good times while we can I could sing you a tune and promise you the moon But if that's what it takes to hold you I'd just as soon let you go But there's one thing I want you to know You better look before you leap, still waters run deep And there won't always be someone there to pull you out And you know what I'm talkin' about So smile for a while and let's be jolly Love shouldn't be so melancholy Come along and share the good times while we can

Thank you @Applegarden totally agree with you, the way to go is nutrient dense foods, laying off high carbs, sugars and refined rubbish and eating intuitively and mindfully (only when you're hungry). I've never been overweight and am actually quite slim with a nice body, but my body's changing as I'm getting older, and I suppose I'm trying to get back to the even slimmer figure I had in my 20s when I was 55kgs lol, but it's true I don't need to lose weight, I think I've got "mental anorexia" (I kinda loved looking like a stick lol) and I've also got some ocd that loves counting stuff godammit, it drives me bonkers, but that's it with the calories, they didn't help me lose pounds, just a lot of time! Just goes to show, you can't have your cake and eat it. The proof's in the pudding, calories don't frigging work.

@DreamScape This Be The Verse BY PHILIP LARKIN They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you. But they were fucked up in their turn By fools in old-style hats and coats, Who half the time were soppy-stern And half at one another’s throats. Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can, And don’t have any kids yourself. Cutting off ties with my mum was the best thing I ever did. Just wish I'd done it much much earlier. Sometimes the longer you put it off, the worse it gets, the bad memories pile up over the years.

@Nahm ?? Have you also tried writing your story @Ingit , just purging and "getting it out" on a scrap of paper to see it for the useless shite that it is? I feel like a lot of it is just floating in your head at the moment. When you're emptied of it, you may be in a better state of mind for meditating?

Happy Sunday everyone ! ❤❤ Love the lyrics, the instrumentation, the emotion ...

Check out the Crappy Childhood Fairy: Are you able to do yoga (you mentioned elsewhere having a yoga teacher)?

I love the Crappy Childhood Fairy, aka Anna Runkle (obviously it's the childhood that's crappy, not the fairy). She is all about healing Childhood Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Apart from her Youtube channel which includes about 80 short videos, she also has an online course (very reasonable priced imo) dealing with Healing Childhood PTSD, Dating & Relationships, Dysregulation Bootcamp. She covers: *Healing PTSD & PTSD Signs and Symptoms, *The ACE Study & Getting Your ACE Score (Adverse Childhood Experiences) *Taking Stock of Past Trauma, Trauma and PTSD, Treatments for Trauma *How to Write Your Fears and Resentments *The Underlying Problem (Dysregulation of the Brain & Nervous System): Signs and Symptoms of Dysregulation, Dysregulated Emotions, Impulses and Behaviors (The Impulse to Escape/The Impulse to Cling/The Impulse to Control) *Learning to Re-Regulate (The Key to Recovery), How to Meditate Twice a Day the Super Simple Way, How to Set Intentions, NOT Talking About trauma, Dialing Down Emotions, Connection and Loneliness, Stressful People and Situations, The Gifts of Re-Regulation, Using a Journal To Track Dysregulation *Changing Self-Defeating Behaviors, The Ways We Re-Traumatize Ourselves, Identify Self-Defeating Behaviors, Three Pillars of Change: Principles, Readiness, Accountability She also has a website, which includes a blog, Free Tools, individual and group coaching sessions, a quiz "Is PTSD From Childhood Affecting You now?" https://crappychildhoodfairy.com/lp/cptsd-quiz In the "Resources" section as well as links to other valuable resources, you will find her 2 favorite books ("The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk and "Complex PTSD" by Pete Walker) : https://crappychildhoodfairy.com/resources/ She strongly advocates a "Daily Practice" which involves a technique of writing your fears and resentments followed by meditation twice a day. *************************************** These are some notes I made from some random videos of hers: >If You Had Just ONE YEAR to HEAL (Here's What I'd Do) Dec 31, 2019 * I'd learn the science of complex PTSD and childhood PTSD, take the ACE survey, I'd get my ACE score and I'd read "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk and I'd read "Complex PTSD" by Pete Walker. There are lots and lots of other books out there but that's where I'd start. *I'd learn to notice the brain dysregulation that is such a foundational symptom of childhood PTSD and I do this with my daily practice of writing fears and resentments followed by meditation twice a day. I'd be religious about this and really do it thoroughly twice a day and not quit. * I'd quickly get out of all the unhealthy dead-end one-sided relationships, stop spending any money at all on therapy, exercise every day, I'd stop all the negative stuff in my life starting with my own trash talking of other people, I would instantly challenge myself on all my negative beliefs that require black-and-white thinking, "this group's good, this group's bad or this person is perfect but this one's evil" and I'd completely embrace the understanding I have now that everything is complicated and we're all working out a way to do the best we can. I'd quit being so judgmental, I'd quit telling people how they should change, I'd stop putting myself down >Are You RE-Traumatizing Yourself? 16 Self-Defeating Behaviors Common with Childhood PTSD Apr 15, 2019 Self-defeating behaviors make healing more difficult, the goal is to notice them and see which of them you may have inside yourself and decide if it's something you want to start working on: *black-and-white thinking *neglect of your body (for reasons bigger than the limits of your income, you're wearing shabby clothes or you have poor hygiene) *addictive use of food (or addictive use of the Internet, media, entertainment) *dishonesty, things like exaggerating, hiding important personal truths or preferences, lying, stealing, cheating, tax evasion or any kind of illegal activity *blame, and this includes having a hard time seeing our own role in problems, victim-thinking, bitterness, casually saying things about other people that hurt their reputation, believing that all your problems are because of racism, sexism, foreigners, etc *numbing with substances like alcohol or drugs, and I know I hardly need to define this or explain why it can undermine your healing *irritability, getting angry sometimes for no reason, getting into arguments and ranting online *attraction to troubled partners and friends, people with high levels of drama and more conflict *total avoidance of people, this is really common too. An avoidance of people, responsibilities, and participation and sometimes this is called social sexual or emotional anorexia. It's a common position we find ourselves in when relationships with people have proven painful too many times in a row, and in the old days we called this being a shut-in or a hermit *habit of repeating traumatic patterns, we can have a seeming inability to detect trouble or step back when trouble appears in the form of sick people or dangerous situations. And so we relapse into a traumatized state which then triggers depression, rage, collapse, and a reversion to old behaviors. >How to Apologize Beautifully Nov 30, 2017 1. It's always really good if you can run what you did by a second person for a second opinion because you know we actually run the risk of sort of just blaming ourselves too much for things and then not enough for things 2. Just reflect on it just think through what happened? What did you do? Write down your fears and resentments about the situation, and then just kind of pray and meditate on having it removed, having the fear and resentment removed and this can kind of help clear it. A lot of times our hurtful behavior is coming out of you know just like a tangle of fear and it's not totally conscious. When the fear is gone it's a lot easier to see clearly what was happening, and this is all not part of the apology yet, you're still just preparing for the apology to get clear about what you did. 3. Write down what your part in it was, it's really helpful to write it down just so that you can like logically think through so I actually write it in columns I put the person's name and I write down what I did, and kind of detail it "I told our mutual friends that our friend used to shoplift but that was a secret and I promised I would never tell anybody". Then in a next column you write down, how would you feel if somebody had done that to you? Then write down how do you intend to go forward from now on? Can you be different? and I mean be sincere about this don't be unrealistic but do you think, if we use this situation as an example, do you think that you could stop trashing people behind their back? Yes? Now you're almost prepared. 4. So now it's time to contact that person and ask if you can have a talk, that you wanted to talk to them about something that you did and that you feel bad about. I really recommend that when you apologize to somebody you make it as direct as possible. Don't send a text when you could do it on the phone, don't do it on the phone when you could do it in person, as direct as possible will give you the best chances of a good clean, thorough apology that mends hearts. 5. So now that you're with the person you tell them what you did, and you tell it to them totally clean without any excuses like "I was under a lot of stress I was tired" no excuses. No bringing in their part in it "You know you were saying all this stuff about me too" you don't bring that in, you just say, I said this stuff that I promised to keep secret and I broke my promise to you. Then you go ahead and tell them how you would feel if that were done to you. Now you've done your homework on this, you go well I would feel angry I'd feel betrayed I'd feel worried what everybody thinks. But it's really important to say that you understand how it feels to have that done, that's the part where you know you really want people to get it when they're apologizing to you, and then you tell them I am sorry. You let them know how you intend to change your behavior in the future. "I intend to never talk behind your back again or to share secrets that I promised to keep secret." And then ask them to forgive you, please forgive me. Now here's the hardest part sometimes, you totally let go of what happens then. You just honestly give your apology and sometimes people will hug you and say it's okay or sometimes they'll say I have no idea what you're talking about I didn't even know and sometimes they'll just get really angry at you and it will be worse. Now the odds of them getting angry go down when you make a good clean apology that doesn't have any sort of blame or excuses in it and that demonstrates that you get it what you did. But sometimes it just doesn't go that well, and you can let go of that because ultimately you're making the apology for yourself for your own peace of mind and to be able to hold your head up and know that yeah you made a mistake, but you cleaned up your mess afterwards. And then hopefully your relationship can recover from that. It's beautiful making an apology because it does help face reality about the consequences of you know when we break promises or when we act in ways that are not consistent with the love and friendship that we feel other people.

Day 51: Today's weight: 61.4 (135 lbs) Weight loss so far after 49 days: 0.8 kg (1.8 lbs) (lousy results, gonna make a more concerted effort from now on) Weight loss to go: 6.4 kgs (14 lbs) left to go Starting weight: 62.2 kgs (136.8 lbs) Goal weight: 55 kgs (121 lbs) Total weight to lose: 7.2 kgs (15.8 lbs) Daily limit: 1,600 calories Weight loss rate: 1 lb a week Date goal weight: end April Today I'm gonna integrate an 18:6 Intermittant fast 18 hours fast) (meals in 6-hour slot between 8.15am and 2.15pm). * 8.15am Pre work-out coffee 87c Capuccino 87 * Indoor bike (35 mins) burned 300 cals * 9.15am Breakfast (muesli) 327c 10g organic unsalted cashew nuts (623) 62 + 10g Bjorg organic sugarfree muesli (367) 36 + 10g organic sugar-reduced granola (437) 43 + 10g organic oatbran (359) 35 + 5g organic chia seeds (449) 22 + 100g organic fresh forest fruits (55) 55 + 140g organic soy milk (53) 74 Total cals so far today: 87+327=414c * 12.30pm Lunch (salad) 642c 100g tomato (18) 18 + 50g bell pepper (20) 10 + 50g cucumber (14) 7 + 25g onion (40) 10 + 5g organic mayo (661) 33 + 5g organic mustard (245) 12 + 1g organic olive oil (900) 9 + 72g organic gluten-free bread (270) 189 + 12g organic cheese (400) 48 + 10g organic chorizo (498) 49 + 3g organic cripsy onions (590) 17 + 1g Nori algae sheets (300) 3 + 5g mixed organic seeds and nuts*** (flax, hemp, pumpkin, hazelnuts) 30c + 25g organic soy milk (53) 13 + 325g organic orange juice (54) 175 =623 *** flax seeds 534+pumpkin seeds 446+hemp seeds 566+hazelnut 628(10g of each (40g)=53+44+56+62=215/7 days=30c for about 5g mix a day Total cals so far today: 414+642=1,056c * 1pm Dessert 544c 1 cafe au lait 40 + 75g organic vegan gluten-free white chocolate cookie (410) 307 + 65g organic vegan gluten-free lemon cheesecake bar (304) 197 Total cals so far today: 1,056+544=1,600c Indoor bike (35 mins) burned 300 cals ? Accomplished today: ? * had 8 hours sleep * respected my calorie limit of 1,600 cals ??? * did cardio exercise * did 20' do-nothing meditation * read daily chapter from "As a man thinketh" * said daily self-love affirmations * had no aperitifs * did Wellbox face and body * practiced mindful eating and intermittant fasting * started reading "The Heart of Man" by Erich Fromm * kept daily "time-keeping journal and "feelings" journal * continued awareness of my Digital Hoarding Disorder * Listened to some "Crappy Childhood" Fairy videos ("How to Apologize Beautifully "Childhood PTSD and Your Brain: How to Get Calm, Clear and Focused"

Day 50: Today's weight: 61.1 (134.4 lbs) Weight loss so far after 49 days: 1.1 kg (2.4 lbs) Weight loss to go: 6.1 kgs (13.4 lbs) left to go Starting weight: 62.2 kgs (136.8 lbs) Goal weight: 55 kgs (121 lbs) Total weight to lose: 7.2 kgs (15.8 lbs) Daily limit: 1,600 calories Weight loss rate: 1 lb a week Date goal weight: end April This evening I'm going out on Date Night. * 8am Pre work-out coffee 87c Capuccino 87 * Indoor bike (35 mins) burned 300 cals * 9.40am Breakfast 504 75g organic vegan gluten-free white chocolate cookie (410) 307 + 65g organic vegan gluten-free lemon cheesecake bar (304) 197 Total cals so far today: 87+504=591c * 12.30pm Lunch (salad) 721c 100g tomato (18) 18 + 50g bell pepper (20) 10 + 50g cucumber (14) 7 + 25g onion (40) 10 + 5g organic mayo (661) 33 + 5g organic mustard (245) 12 + 1g organic olive oil (900) 9 + 80g organic gluten-free bread (270) 216 + 12g organic cheese (400) 48 + 10g organic chorizo (498) 49 + 3g organic cripsy onions (590) 17 + 5g mixed organic seeds and nuts*** (flax, hemp, pumpkin, hazelnuts) 30c + 485g organic orange juice (54) 262 *** flax seeds 534+pumpkin seeds 446+hemp seeds 566+hazelnut 628(10g of each (40g)=53+44+56+62=215/7 days=30c for about 5g mix a day Total cals so far today: 591+721=1,312c * 1pm Dessert 220c 1 cafe au lait 40 + vanilla lemon biscuits 180 8pm Restaurant 1/2 bottle wine, appetizer, starter, 2 main, dessert Total cals so far today: 1312+220=1,532c + resto Indoor bike (35 mins) burned 300 cals ? Accomplished today: ? * had 8 hours sleep * did cardio exercise * did 20' do-nothing meditation * read daily chapter from "As a man thinketh" * said daily self-love affirmations * had no aperitifs * did Wellbox face and body * practiced mindful eating * finished reading "The Art of Listening" by Erich Fromm * kept daily "time-keeping journal and "feelings" journal * continued working on my Digital Hoarding Disorder (resisting as much as possible bookmarking and saving stuff in computer files to read for "tomorrow") * Listened to some "Crappy Childhood" Fairy videos ("Do You Need Spirituality to Heal from CPTSD?" Jan 8, 2019, and "If You Had Just ONE YEAR to HEAL (Here's What I'd Do)" Dec 31, 2019

Day 49: Today's weight: 61.1 (134.4 lbs) Weight loss so far after 48 days: 1.1 kg (2.4 lbs) (lousy results, gonna make a more concerted effort from now on) Weight loss to go: 6.1 kgs (13.4 lbs) left to go Starting weight: 62.2 kgs (136.8 lbs) Goal weight: 55 kgs (121 lbs) Total weight to lose: 7.2 kgs (15.8 lbs) Daily limit: 1,600 calories Weight loss rate: 1 lb a week Date goal weight: end April Today I'm gonna integrate an 18:6 Intermittant fast 18 hours fast) (meals in 6-hour slot between 8am and 2pm). * 8am Pre work-out coffee 87c Capuccino 87 * Indoor bike (35 mins) burned 300 cals * 9.40am Breakfast (muesli) 327c 10g organic unsalted cashew nuts (623) 62 + 10g Bjorg organic sugarfree muesli (367) 36 + 10g organic sugar-reduced granola (437) 43 + 10g organic oatbran (359) 35 + 5g organic chia seeds (449) 22 + 100g organic fresh forest fruits (55) 55 + 140g organic soy milk (53) 74 Total cals so far today: 87+327=414c * 12.30pm Lunch (salad) 642c 100g Iceberg lettuce (17) 17 + 50g tomato (18) 9 + 50g bell pepper (20) 10 + 50g cucumber (14) 7 + 25g onion (40) 10 + 10g organic mayo (661) 66 + 5g organic mustard (245) 12 + 1g organic olive oil (900) 9 + 74g organic gluten-free bread (270) 199 + 10g organic cheese (400) 40 + 10g organic chorizo (498) 49 + 1g Nori algae sheets (300) 3 + 1g organic cripsy onions (590) 6 + 5g mixed organic seeds and nuts*** (flax, hemp, pumpkin, hazelnuts) 30c + 325g organic orange juice (54) 175 *** flax seeds 534+pumpkin seeds 446+hemp seeds 566+hazelnut 628(10g of each (40g)=53+44+56+62=215/7 days=30c for about 5g mix a day Total cals so far today: 414+642=1,056c 544c left for the rest of the day * 1.30pm Dessert 544c 1 cafe au lait 40 + 75g organic vegan gluten-free white chocolate cookie (410) 307 + 65g organic vegan gluten-free lemon cheesecake bar (304) 197 That last meal will be followed by 18 hours of fasting. Total cals so far today: 1,056+544=1,600c ? Indoor bike (35 mins) burned 300 cals ? Accomplished today: ? * had 8 hours sleep * respected my calorie limit of 1,600 cals ??? * did cardio exercise * did 20' do-nothing meditation * read daily chapter from "As a man thinketh" * said daily self-love affirmations * had no aperitifs * did Wellbox face and body * practiced mindful eating and intermittant fasting * continued reading "The Art of Listening" by Erich Fromm * kept daily "time-keeping journal and "feelings" journal * continued working on my Digital Hoarding Disorder (resisting as much as possible bookmarking and saving stuff in computer files to read for "tomorrow")

Against the wishes of her parents, my mother chose to enter convent school at the age of 14 with the vocation of becoming a Catholic nun. At 21 she left, finding it too difficult. Three years later she had the mischance to cross paths with my father, a psychiatric case as well as being alcholic and violent. His parents on several occasions called the mental asylum to have him taken away in a straight jacket to have electric shock treatment in his 20s. Over the years, he's been diagnosed variably as schizophrenic, psychotic, psychopath,... My mother told me she was afraid of him and thought it was the "will of God" to look after him as her life's mission. She confided in me that he'd blackmailed her into marrying him by threatening her with certain things (eg. breaking all the neighbours' windows, telling her parents she'd slept with him ("untrue"), etc. As a child, I never had a day's peace in my family. I saw my dad physically assault, threaten and mistreat my mother, this mother I loved with such a powerful intense love. I would have died for her, I loved her that much. An example of such a scene would be my father holding a large chip pan of boiling hot oil over my mother's head threatening to throw it over her. The feeling of impotence was unbearable and very traumatic for me. As a child, I was enormously attached to my mother, I had a huge love for her. I felt an intense need to look after her, protect her from harm and keep her safe. When I evoke this love, I cannot help crying. For me, she was the epitome of everything that was pure, good, kind, generous, etc, she was like a God to me. I couldn't understand how ANYONE could ever want to hurt her! The name she gave me was the same name as her best friend in the convent, from the beginning we were so close. My dad hated me and my brother because we were close to her. I did everything in my power as a kid to lessen my mother's burden and bring her joy, I was the good kid, the perfect child, that did well at school, I spoke before my time, read before my time, walked before my time, I did everything I could to please her and make her happy. I felt her pain so deeply. If she suffered, I suffered. I remember often finding her crying in her corner because she didn't know what to do, my heart breaking each time. I could try my best to console and comfort her. Putting my arms around her, I would promise her "I'd look after her when I was bigger", that she "could come and live with me and my family". So, very early on, I adopted the role of "saviour", "perfect child". The love I had for her was so strong I can't even describe it. I was obviously developing an unhealthy co-dependent relationship with her. I can't remember how old I started doing this, but at some point, as far as I can recall and certainly as soon as I was able to, I started putting myself in between my parents, pulling my father off her, when he was physically attacking her in order to protect her as best I could. And as soon as I intervened between them, the violence seemed to stop and the threats dissipate, if my memory serves me well, (at least for that night!). My 4 sisters and brother stopped crying, sobbing and screaming and my mother stopped hysterically yelling "call the police" and everyone went to bed for that night. Sometimes the police came, but my mother was too scared of my father to be able to talk to them. "No, no, I'm fine. Everything's okay". There was a social worker at the time, but she was too frightened of my father, and so nothing was done for our family. The days following these violent scenes, my mother always reproached me for having intervened between her and my father (which annoyed me to hear!) because she was "afraid of me getting hurt". I replied it was nothing, but she insisted I stop intervening between them. I obviously didn't obey, I wanted to protect her so much. As long as my father was attacking her, I'd be there to try and stop it. She didn't understand that for me the pain of passively watching the horror scenes unfold without doing anything was a thousand times worse than anything my father could do to me, and strangely enough, I wasn't afraid of him, even though he hated me. In any case, I loved my mother so much I would have sacrificed my life for her. And if my memories serve me well, I recall the violence stopping with my interventions, for those nights anyway, almost as though my father was relieved that there was somebody actually stepping in to stop it. My father didn't work. He spent his days in bed, tyrannising the household, we walked on eggshells. We'd take him up his meals and he'd throw them on the wall, having seen a hair (imaginary or not) on the plate. He'd get up at the end of the day to go to the pub. My mother had six children. She would probably have had tons more if the local priest (fortunately!) hadn't intervened and threatened to stop speaking to her unless she took some serious contraception. My mother has gone to mass almost every day since leaving the convent, even at 6 o'clock in the morning before starting work. The priest insisted that my mother took the pill. Without the intervention of the priest, I dread to think how many children she would have had ... 15 in 15 years ? 20 in 20 years ? The horror at home continued until the divorce of my parents (I was about 13 years old and hearing that news was one of the happiest days of my life). My mother finally accepted to divorce my father because the Catholic nuns at school threatened her (fortunately!!) with removing her 6 children unless she got a divorce. My eldest sister (fortunately!!) had been crying a bit at school, the nuns seemed privy to what was going on at home. After the divorce, for the next few years of my adolescence there were highs and lows between my mother and I. I felt she was trying to control me and I began being repulsed by certain caracter and personality traits she had that started alienating me from her (her agressiveness (even violence towards me a few times), her way of gossipping and speaking negatively about others (including her own daughters), her hypocrisy, stubborness, insensitivity, irresponsibility, resentfulness, etc. I began losing my illusions about her, idealising and trusting her less. Finding my family toxic and the relationships dysfunctional. (I always found my sisters and brother very selfish), I was finding it more and more depressing being around them. There was never a day of peace in the household, even with my father gone. There were always fights and arguments between my sisters, my brother would hit his 2 younger sisters. My disturbed brother was violent, threatening and unstable, and was taking drugs. He often used to go into the bathroom with his 2 dogs for sexual activities for long stretches at a time, the horrific noises really traumatised me (especially as I love animals so much). One of the things that depress me most in this world is the cruelty towards defenceless animals. I was too terrified of my brother to risk spying through the key hole, he was an angry, pyschopathic individual. (He had already kicked me hard from behind, badly hurting my private parts, picked up and threw his alsation on top of me and put a huge rifle to my head for absolutely nothing, I had been studying for my A'levels quietly on my bed). From the dogs' yelps and prolonged thudding noises against the bath, he seemed to be "getting off" by forcing the male alsatian to copulate with the (much, much smaller) little Jack Russel female. I stayed well clear of this nutcase of a brother, choosing exclusively to humour him in order to remain unharmed by him, but I checked the dogs discretely after their "bathroom episodes" to confirm my worst suspicions and invariably noticed the little female had blood around her vagina. Afraid of him and his anger, violence and moods, I was too terrified to go to the police to report these incidents with the dogs, and when I spoke about it to my mother she didn't reply as though I hadn't spoken. I think she was too afraid of him too. These incidents have remained traumatic memories in my life. I left the family home in Edinburgh at 18 years old to go and pursue my college education in another town far away, and after graduating at 22, decided to leave the country altogether and go and live and work abroad in Europe. Six years later I met my lovely husband. I'm 53 years old now, we've been together for 24 years, still as much in love and happy together, we have an enormous respect for each other and love each other deeply. I feel blessed having him in my life. During my adult years, I often visited my mother but I realised there was less and less of a real relationship between us. Each visit gave me fewer reasons to trust her. I don't think she was making much effort with me now, perhaps because I'd moved so far away, she was probably disappointed with me. A few times, I'd eavesdrop accidently on her telephone conversations with my eldest sister, she'd be running me down, even lying and exaggerating things. I was her guest for the weekend, and yet here she was badmouthing me off to my sibling. I couldn't believe my ears, I never said anything to her, just vowed silently to myself to visit her less and less. I remember thinking (positively) at the time that her doing that would just facilitate me cutting the umbilical cord with her (co-dependent relationship). This treachery of hers was the proof I needed to help me cut myself free from her with less guilt. When my sister didn't want anything to do with me, at least now I understood why! I actually asked her one day why I hadn't been invited to her wedding, she replied "because mammy said you did this, or did that", as if my mother had been taking a perverse pleasure in coquering and dividing us. Over the decades, I've also found my sisters' lives more and more depressing, with their husbands invariably alcoholic, unstable, unfaithful, disloyal, unreliable, violent. ****************************************************** My brother has spent most of his life in and out of prison and addicted to heroin. At one time, when he was in prison my mother moved house which relieved me enormously because it meant my brother wouldn't know of her whereabouts and therefore couldn't bother her any more for money for his heroin. That was the first time she was really free of him. It lasted about 5 or 6 years. One day in 2009, the Probation Officer rang my mother to say that he was leaving prison but had nowhere to go. So my mother accepted him moving in with her. She said the officer knew how to pull on her heart strings. If she refused, her son would be in the streets. She had an anonymous adress that my brother didn't know about, safe from him for the first time in her life, and here he was now moving in with her. I think the shock was too much for her. A few days after he'd moved in, my mother had a massive stroke (she nearly died) which put her in hospital for the next 6 months. She lost everything, she was like a vegetable, she could no longer move, speak, focus, understand, etc The nurse told me the stress of my brother moving in probably triggered the stroke. As an aftermath she is now handicapped, only the left side of her body functions. She can no longer do so many things she loved to do, driving, knitting, etc, let alone the more basic day to day tasks. When she was in hospital, pressure was put on my brother to vacate her premises. Sooner or later, he found himself back in prison. The next decade of his life continues along the same theme, in and out of prison and heroin. In January 2018, leaving prison, my brother asked a pal to do the same thing as the Probation Officer had done in the past, namely call my mother and pull on her heartstrings, lamenting the fact that my brother had no bed to go to. My mother fell for it and acquiesced and before we know it, he's back living with her. Since then he's taking her for everything she's got in order to get his heroin. My mother's now 80, 10 years older than the last time, and is too tired to resist. Judging from her symptoms, I also believe she has Frontotemporal dementia, but nobody is interested in getting her a diagnosis. She's lost the battle with my brother, and is being exploited and abused by him, all the while turning a blind eye, at the cost of falling out with most of her daughters for months on end. I wonder if perversely she is happy he is there to "look after her until she dies", that she won't be alone for the remaining years left to her. She is probably also feeling guilty that it's her "fault he's on drugs, she didn't protect him enough as a kid". He lies to her all the time, says he needs 30 pounds for something, she believes him each time, gives him her credit card, he takes 300 pounds out of the cash machine, then waits till midnight to take another 300 out. He probably tells he "he'll look after her, do her meals, etc". He steals her cheques and her possessions, pawning stuff like her precious tv (invalid that's all she's got in her life), he doesn't give a damn about her. He goes off in taxis just to go to the cash machine or to his dealer. In the space of a few months, he'd already spent 1,700 pounds from her account, probably giving heroin to his mates too, judging by the amount he's spending. He shoots up any old place in her bungalow, even blocking my mother's access to her fridge during the heatwave, so my sister had to nip out and get my mother a cold drink from the local shop. My mother's incontinent and her house now smells badly of urine, I don't think she always has access to her bathroom, my brother being comatose behind the door. He plays music really loud at 3 o'clock in the morning, he invites his criminal friends around. I worry enormously about the health and safety of my mother. She is totally isolated, nobody in the family visits her any more, they're all too afraid of him. He's very threatening and intimidating, my nieces have seen him "out of it" with strange grimaces and they're too freaked out to go back to see my mum. He's completely isolated my mother, he hides her phone, and hangs up when anyone calls her. As well as Class A drugs, he's also smoking and drinking, my mother doesn't have insurance on her house. What if there's a fire? The insurance companies refuse to insure my mother's house because there's a known felon registered at her address. All that is horrific to me, I live far away and feel so impotent to do anything. It's the last thing I would have wished for my mother in the last years of her life. I've said little to my sisters but I'm shocked and disappointed with them. I honestly think they could have done a lot more for my mother and feel they've just abandoned her. They live really close by and yet have not really bothered with her. Since her stroke, she is handicapped, she has lost all her abilities on her right-hand side, she moves around with enormous difficulty, in a wheel chair and has a load of other problems due to her obesity. I really think my sisters are selfish not according her any of their time. They hardly visit her, or bring her meals as they should. This is a mother who would have given her last penny to help someone less fortunate than herself. At one point, I was even offering one of my sisters material objects and books in exchange for her cooking for my mother, negotiating all this at a distance, from another country. I sincerely believe that the reason my brother was able to enter into the situation so easily was because there was a void created for him, a vacuum to step into, because my mother didn't really have anyone else properly looking after her. He quickly sussed that he just need to adopt the role of "carer" and she'd be putty in his hands. The irony is that he can't even take care of himself, let alone his mother. He's even filled in papers to send off to the powers that be, registering himself as her official primary caretaker so that he can get paid by the state for "looking after her". Last September (2018), seeing as my sisters weren't doing anything for my mother, I decided to do my best to help. First at at distance. I contacted EVERYBODY for help : probation, associations against exploitation of elderly people, social services, the police, the doctor, her church, everyone, I don't do things by half, I telephoned left, right and centre, I wrote pages after pages detailing everything, and sending my reports by email to all concerned, but nobody could help or intervene as long as my mother kept telling them that "everything was fine". She insisted that she was alright (just like she did in the past with my father), and that her son was "a good boy" and not doing anything wrong, that he was "looking after her", but in reality she was turning a blind eye to everything he was doing and to the state of her (diminishing) bank account, etc., she was in total denial. At one point I even suspected my brother of drugging my mother too (her head seemed so much in the sand and she seemed quite strange on the phone) but it couldn't be proven. I seriously think now that she has just decided to help him financially in her last remaining years, perhaps by guilt, or maybe because she thinks it's "God's will", perhaps she's afraid of having another stroke alone, or of dying alone? or is she just exhausted? Maybe there's be too much brainwashing, manipulation ("If you don't give me the money, I'll just have to mug an old lady in the street", "mum, you can't imagine my life in prison, I don't feel safe there", etc.) Or maybe she thinks she'll get a place in heaven? Last September, every service agency, institution I contacted gave me the same reply : "your mother doesn't want our help, she's happy with her son living there with her, she accepts giving him money, and it's her choice, she's "mentally autonomous" and hasn't any cognitive problems. We must respect her choice, she's free to do as she likes." The whole situation disturbed me greatly. I talked on the phone to a policeman on the case who said the situation didn't sit at all easy with him either. 2018 is his probabtion year and yet here he is manipulating, exploiting and stealing from this own mother. He gave me some advice, and told me if it was HIS mother, he would 1. try and get the brother back in prison (so the mother would no longer be isolated and the family could visit her again in order to work out a plan of action to help her out of this quagmire), then 2. get her a mental assessment (which would show she was not able to act in her own best interests and could therefore access available community help and support), and then 3. find her an alternative living accomodation (where the son would get limited access under surveillance). I was getting reports from my niece who visited her, who saw my brother completely out of it behind the front door (which freaked her out so much she isn't going to check in on my mum anymore), and my mum rocking back and forth in the living room in her armchair (as though to comfort herself?). I decided to take a week off and travel over there, I was on a mission with the policeman's 3 step-plan as a guideline of action, to see if I could talk to her in person. I only bought a one-way ticket to Scotland, planning on returning to my life, and getting the return ticket back, when my mission was done. I arranged to stay at one of my sister's for the duration of my stay. However, I quickly became a "persona non grata" for my mum because she evidently didn't want to hear what I had to say. I explained to her that my eldest sister was so depressed with it all that she was seriously thinking of committing suicide, she was talking of driving her car off the motorway. My mother was like a cold stone, she seemed strangely insensitive to what I was saying, as if I hadn't spoken. The only thing she came out with was to say that it was terrible the day before, the police had come (the same policeman incidently that I had talked to) and tried to tackle her son, to provoke him into hitting them back so they could properly arrest him. (My brother now in his 50s is not stupid, and was able to hold off from retaliating with the police so as to avoid arrest). I told my mother it was I that had contacted the police to make a visit because I was worried about her. Needless to say, my mother would no longer look at me, or speak to me. I learnt afterwards that she had repeated to my brother that it was I who had summoned the police, he phoned me and left me threatening messages. I no longer felt safe at my mum's (she told me herself I wasn't safe "after all the trouble you're causing") and that my brother could come home any minute. I didn't want to imagine what he was capable of, me on a mission to "save my mum" from his clutches and separate them, I was obviously his biggest threat to any heroin source. I told my mum she'd been a good mother, she'd done everything she could for him, she now had to "let him go". "Why does she think she deserves this kind of abuse?" She started sobbling, I told her repeatedly she had to "let it all out", that she'd been bottling this pain up for too long. While I was over there, my plan was to organise an "intervention" with all the family (meeting up elsewhere than at my mum's because he was always there, lurking around, controlling). There would be us 5 daughters, my aunt, and a few nieces, together we could pour our hearts out to try and make her see sense. Unfortunately, I didn't have the support of my sisters, on the contrary, they sabotaged what I was trying to do to save my mum from the situation. The only way I can describe it, is to say it was as though they were all living in La-La land, with their heads in the sand. Everytime I called my mum, she put the phone down on me. If my brother answered, he would curse and swear at me, threatening me if I called again. Once I heard him grappling the phone from my mum and hurting her in the process, she cried out in pain. I couldn't go round and see her anymore because of my brother's threats, I think pushed to anger he'd have been capable of knifing me, if it wasn't the fear of going back to prison which would stop him. I was enemy number 1 for him. After a week, I had exhausted all my options to help my mum. She didn't seem to care about me or my legitimate feelings of concern for her, she just accused me of rocking the boat, of being a trouble maker, of causing problems, of being "nasty", I had become the scape-goat. I decided to catch the first flight back home and cut all ties with everyone, my mum, my sisters, for my mental health sake. The situation was too crazy for me. I found myself once again in the horrific situation I had as a child : complete impotence. I was outraged at what was happening, I still am, but I cannot accept just accepting passively the mistreatment of somebody I love without being able to do anything about it, and for this very person to refuse my help. It's been a year now since I've cut those ties officially, for good, once and for all, with the whole of my family. I have to protect myself, the situation was dragging me back to the trauma and impotence of my childhood, the folly and abnormality of it all. It's no good just getting news from my sisters updating me on a situation which would no doubt progressively be getting worse and worse. I feel a bit disgusted at the lack of support from my sisters in 2018 at my moment of need (I had made a lot of sacrifices and put my whole life on hold to go over and help them) and for their passivity and lack of compassion for my mother. If I can't do anything for her, it would be too disturbing for me to just passively receive bad (and worsening) news, I don't know what to do with this suffering, this impotence. I think about my mother everyday , she is so often in my dreams, I have nightmares too about the both of them, where my mum is in danger. I have just recently discovered Leo's videos and through them I often try to make sense of what I'm going through. For example, on the "self esteem" video how some people think they "deserve" that kind of abuse, etc My heart feels completely broken, sometimes I cry so easily just thinking of her. I would never have wished the last years of my mother ending like this, she really doesn't deserve it. I feel like I just want my mum to die now, as peacefully as possible, but quicker rather than later. I will really feel relieved to learn that she's died. I just want her to be safe. I'd feel happier at the news of my brother dying from an overdose, except that my mother would be hurt by that, I wouldn't want her to get heartbroken over that. I feel so anxious at what could happen when she no longer has anything to give my brother. It drives me crazy seeing the dangerous situations she creates for herself, she seems to be so fatalistic. My only hope is that she is safe, the most basic thing in life, that's all I've ever wanted for her. Forget even about any happiness or peace for the moment, just basic personal safety, godammit. In spite of my huge tenderness for her, I can say today that I regret having this person as my mother, I feel like it's caused me too much suffering.

Yes, being in the moment, in joy, enjoy the moment, it's all there is. Carry that single, simple moment of joy with you and begin to make more moments joyful too. Love everything you do. It's not always easy (especially if you take ice-cold showers lol) but practice makes perfect. It's a moment-to-moment commitment that involves changing the way you experience and interact with everything you instinctively want to grasp, hoard, control and attach to. Be humble. Simply experience. Let go instead. Let go of fear. Let God. Let Joy. Just seep into the moment and enjoy it, because it will eventually pass. Nothing is permanent. Fighting that reality will only cause you pain. All you need right now is to appreciate and enjoy what you have. It’s enough. Hey a comet could come along and crash through your window and snuff you out like a light. “Most of our troubles are due to our passionate desire for and attachment to things that we misapprehend as enduring entities.” ~Dalai Lama

Yeah, or a roly poly, that's just showing off territory lol Glad I'm not an adrenalin junkie, I like my feet firmly on the ground But hey, these guys could be quite enlightened, they don't seem that afraid of dying haha

"When's your birthday? What time were you born? Where?" And then before the 2nd date sneak off to a psychic for a full reading on the person and compatibility forecast ? Just kidding