Amandine

Oh yes, I've just noticed the times you wake up too. Impressive.

Thank you @Bill W for popping by, your encouraging words warmed the cockles of my heart, whatever they are. ❤️ I was starting to wonder whether I'd frightened everyone away with my endless rambling (ergo Goal #4: brevity). I've come across quite a lot of your witty comments and one-liners here and there, I see you've mastered the art of being succinct! Let me follow your example and try to keep this short and sweet. I take my hat off to you, you've gone through the mill, and faced your demons, finding a quiet inner strength and come out stronger. It takes an enormous amount of courage and faith what you have accomplished, so take a bow, and stay strong. ?? I'm really looking forward to reading your Journal, because you write so well, so clearly, and I can actually understand everything you're saying! ?? This morning I started (as one does, in true OCD style) chronologically at the very beginning of your comments, with your question about non-duality in April. I will of course (obsessively) be reading them all! You're actually asking the same questions I now have as a Newbie, so thanks for saving me the time asking them haha. The worst thing about OCD for me is the time-guzzling, inane nature of it. Life's too frigging short for OCD. Ok, I've got a nice tidy home but my time-management skills suck! Which reminds me of my Goal #4, so I'll love you and leave you for now. Wishing you well too, my friend.

@Light Lover 1: 8/10 No particular big hic-cups or stress factors. Particularly great compared to 2018! 2: No New Year Resolutions 2019, couldn't be bothered. Though goal-setting/progress throughout. 3: Goals 2020 Committed Actualization work. individual goals detailed in my SA Journal.

@Javfly33 The main thing is to stay authentic and true to yourself. Go at your own pace, and be selective with your company.

Why do you believe people get irritated? Do they show you? Or tell you? @Strangeloop

@Chumbimba Little by little eat more fiber and choose better fats like olive oil, avocado, nuts

Dinner 7.30pm Home-made chicken and veg curry. 140g roast chicken in Parampara Tikka Masala spices/soy cream/a few cashews/fresh coriander, 200g green beans, 5g ghee butter, an apple (150g). Results 1. Seated? Yes ? 2. Other activity? No (got hubby to talk the most) ? 3. 30 chews? Impossible to count while listening to hubby, but masticated well on the whole 4. Duration? At least 20 minutes ? I consider that a very good day Mindful Eating wise. ?? My belly (and brain) are gonna thank me for it.

5pm Had a capuccino, then did my meditation. I don't usually have a second coffee in the day, but it felt a nice kinda Hygge thing to do on this cold windy day. I thought to check the volume on the timer today before starting! A bit antsy for the first half of the session, then about half-way through found a more sustainable position which I kept until the end. At one point, noticed the jaw tightening, that Leo talked about, so relaxed that. Didn't worry too much about the fidgetting, so didn't try to control it too much. Some monkey brain but accepted the thoughts without trying to control them. For example, thinking about what I'll write up here after the session. At some point, was nodding off again, so opened my eyes a bit. (All that hot frothy milk in the capuccino probably didn't help.) Will go without from now on. All in all I just spent 20 minutes sitting relatively still for nearly half of it. And without trying to manipulate, force or censor anything. I feel a bit like a mum happy to sit for ages on the park bench. In her own world. While her kids run riot in front of her screaming with joy. Without interfering with their fun and excitement. Letting them be. She is there if they need her. Present. They are happy in the moment. As is she. Same surprise at the time going by so quickly. I'm enjoying these meditation sessions, this "me time" or should I say "I time". I'll try to settle on a more comfortable position from now on from the very beginning. That I think I'll be able to sustain throughout. What seems to work at the moment is folding my arms loosely in front of me on the desk. With shoulders slightly back for better breathing. And feet slightly apart in a "V" shape with toes touching the skirting board. I'll try that out tomorrow to see if I can last the whole 20 minutes like that. ********************* I'm sorry, I'm going to have to set another goal for tomorrow. It's getting urgent. Goal #4: be brief Geez, I could be learning new stuff, the time it takes to write all this stuff. I think my husband will appreciate this goal, bless him. I could write a whole page on the art of being brief. But I won't. Less is more. Enough said. Period. .

Lunch 3.3O pm (fried tomatoes and egg on toast) I would have added avocado but I can't be bothered going out to get some. Had to think of a quick meal to do so my whole time is not taken up with lunch, seeing as I'm already devoting at least 20 mins to the eating of it. 50g sourdough rye bread toasted with 5g unsalted butter, 2 eggs and 220g fresh tomatoes sauteed in 10g olive oil with a few flax seeds. 2 large cups of black tea (700ml in all, same teabag) with a square (10g) of organic dark 85% bitter chocolate. Results 1. Seated? Yes ? 2. Other activity? No ? 3. 30 chews? A bit lackadaisical here. Sometimes I even forgot I had to be counting. 4. Duration? 25 mins. ? So that's 3 out of 4 correct answers. Strange though how I forgot to count. That's all I had to do. Count and eat. It's not exactly asking much, is it? How did i forget to count? I didn't have anything else on my plate to do, ha.

@Mada_ It's normal to catastrophize when you have a little "relapse". But it's ok, don't give up. Resist the temptation to catastrophize by putting your experience into perspective. Remind yourself that: 1. backsliding will be inevitable and that everyone does so from time to time; it’s no big deal. 2. just because you do it one day doesn’t mean you’ll be doing it every day, every week. 3. Progress is not linear, it's a fluctuating organic line. It's not a race, take your time. 4. Embrace Imperfection, nobody said you had to be perfect at this, practice self-compassion. Put a stop to this type of distorted thinking by first becoming aware of it. Sometimes I even say to myself: “Stop! You’re going down that catastrophizing road again, and it’s only going to make an unpleasant situation worse.” Gently saying, “Stop!” like this can interrupt your tendency to start spinning those worst-case scenarios. You're doing great, you'll get back on track, you haven't lost anything. Keep on going.

I've got the wine abstinence and meditation practice under way and nicely progressing (life-time commitment). I know it's only been 4 days so far but I feel like I'm already reaping the benefits, physically and emotionally. So now I would like to improve another aspect of my daily life which really bothers me. I really want to become a Mindful Eater. I usually prefer to eat 4 small meals throughout the day, rather than 3 large ones. Mostly for digestive purposes and not to feel bloated or uncomfortable afterwards. But my "mini meals" don't last that long, sometimes just 5-10 minutes. Which means I then sometimes still feel hungry after them. I read recently that the brain takes around 20 minutes to register "satiation". I'm still trying to "digest" that, haha. Recently I did an experiment and timed myself. I ate a bowl of rice (100g white dessert rice with a spoonful of coconut cream and a few mixed cranberries, pumpkin seeds, almonds) in my usual way, in other words in 5 minutes. That is the typical amount of time it would take me to eat that sort of snack in a non-mindful way. Then the next day, I ate exactly the same snack but this time mindfully (no distractions, and chewing each mouthful at least 30 times) and the same bowl actually took me 20 minutes! Sounds banal, but I felt pleased with myself afterwards, and yes, more satiated. Also I'm usually either alone in front of the computer reading or watching a video while I eat (for breakfast, lunch and afternoon tea-time). Dinner will find me chatting away with my husband at the table, and so not really aware of what and how I'm eating. I would definitely like to slow down my eating, chew more, and not do anything else while eating. In a nutshell, (excuse the pun), my aim is to be more mindful when I eat. This is something that's going to be really challenging for me. So I intend to journal it here in order to maintain the discipline, encouragement and motivation needed to see it through. Until mindful eating becomes more an automatic everyday habit. Ha, if that's not an oxymoron?! I'm also interested in the fascinating brain-gut connection at the moment, so digesting my food properly is all grist for the mill (excuse the pun). The belly really is the second brain. So Goal #3: Eating mindfully entails 4 important baby steps: 1. Be seated only while you eat. 2. Do absolutely no other activity while you eat. 2. Chew each mouthful at least 30 times before you swallow. 3. Make your meals last at least 20 minutes. The evening meal with my husband will obviously be a bit tricky counting bites, so I'm not going to get obsessed about it for that meal, I'll just do my best to eat slowly and perhaps chat less! Throw him a couple of questions from time to time so I can slowly and quietly chew away in my corner while I listen to his answers, haha. Or just have soup for dinner? Or even eat my dinner with frigging chopsticks, I don't know. Okay, so it's 11 o'clock in the morning, I'm just going to have my breakfast. I had my daily capuccino (large, 350ml) at 8 o clock when I woke up, which I obviously didn't need to chew. Hot drinks are "not eating" so don't count in my Mindful eating challenge. So It was ok re-watching Leo's Beginner's Meditation video while sipping my coffee. This morning I'm having for breakfast: 30g Bjorg sugar-free organic "Fibres" muesli, with 100ml organic sugar-free soy milk, 50g fresh forest berry fruits, and 10g organic unsalted cashew nuts. 2 large cups of black tea (700ml in all, same teabag). Crikey, so this little brekkie has to last at least 20 minutes, it's going to be torture. I have a bit of artificial sweetener (sucralose) to sweeten my muesli and hot drinks, but changing that will have to be for maybe some time next year when I feel strong enough. Slow and steady wins the race here. I'm going to finish up what I have left in the packet and try to resist buying another packet afterwards, so gradually wean myself off the sucralose and try to find a better, more natural healthier alternative. Recent rat studies suggest that sucralose may actually disrupt the gut bacteria. I'm getting more and more interested in the gut biome, its relation to the brain is so interesting, so it's in my interest to look after it. Apart from that, I hardly ever drink plain fresh water (which I find so boring, mea culpa) unless I were choking or something. But I do drink at least 1,5 litres of hot filtered water in the day in the form of black or herbal tea (2 teabags maxi per day). Apart from that, I don't drink anything else. Perhaps some time in the future, I will also be able to reduce the hot drinks with sucralose and replace with plain water instead. There is NO way I could drink hot drinks without sweetening them, they'd taste too acidic, bitter or "chemical". But Rome wasn't built in a day. I don't want to freak myself out too much. This consciousness work is spooky enough already. *************** Breakfast Report Okay, so just finished my muesli, was able to stretch it out to 20 minutes, by the skin of my teeth (excuse the pun). ? The cat, agog and wide-eyed, seemed fascinated at me just sitting there doing nothing in front of a blank computer (such a rare occurence it is). He seemed equally bemused at me wistfully chewing away like Daisy the cow, he couldn't actually take his eyes off me, I hope I didn't freak him out too much. I thought I'd just stare back at him, after all I'm just as fascinated by him. It certainly made the agonizing "30 counts a mouthful" go by more easily, having something cute to rest my eyes on. Ha, I'd be lost without chew, Fluffy? Compared to my 20 minute meditation sessions, this mindful chewing is way more torturous. It actually feels more challenging spending 20 minutes chewing (even delicious food) than spending 20 minutes doing nothing. You just want to gulp it down and be done with it, and get onto more important things. It is certainly a lesson in patience. I can almost feel myself "grinding my teeth" while I'm masticating away, which is probably counterproductive to the peaceful mindful mindset I'm trying to cultivate here. I noticed at the beginning that I wanted to chew fast, so I immediately slowed my chewing rate down, otherwise I'd never last the 20 minutes. I also started to become aware of my body more, for example a few times I caught my hand clenching a bit as I was chewing away. Did I want to punch someone? It's very revealing how the body reacts. In fact the 3rd baby step (the "chewing" step) of this goal is the most challenging part. The other three steps are much more do-able. You sit down. Check. You turn off the pc. Check. You time at the end. Check. You chew. Haha! It's bloody frustrating. I felt a bit like a kid having to sit there forced to eat all my veggies properly before I could have dessert. ********** 11.30am Breakfast over. Check to all 4 baby steps.? Presently satiated, I probably won't want to eat again now until say 2 or 3 o'clock. I feel like Mindful Eating could be a handy weight loss tool. Ha, just checked on Google, and needless to say someone's already thought of that and of course created the "Mindful Eating Diet". There's even a "32-Bites Diet" going the rounds, geez! But it's a no-brainer, who would want to eat that Snickers bar if you know you've got to slowly chew on it out for 20 minutes? Especially on a hot day? I'm not even going to get onto an ice-cream cone. As I said it's torture. Try it. Go on. Just for one meal. It could even save you money. After all, the more you pile on your plate, the longer it'll take to eat. Remember, 30 bites a mouthful minimum. There are only so many hours in the day after all. Imagine fancying a little bite to eat, salivating at the thought of a sneaky little naughty snack. And then you think of the next 20 minutes "wasted" just eating it. You just wouldn't be fagged, would you?

What are the main points then from Leo's "Meditation for Beginners" video I will need to remind myself of? 00:37 Meditation is the single most important habit for self-improvement that you can have. 02:19 There's a key distinction we have to make to meditate effectively, and that is the distinction between thinking and awareness. 02:42 This distinction is something that you actually make by meditating. 04:15 Now it's hard at first to see the importance of this distinction. It might seem like that distinction is not even there for you right now, but what's going to happen after practicing a lot of meditation, and after practicing a lot of watching and being aware of the difference between thinking and awareness, is then the distinction in your mind gets drawn sharper and sharper and over the years it becomes so sharp that then you have profound epiphanies and realizations and emotional releases and all sorts of amazing stuff starts to happen from this little simple meditation habit. 05:03 The most simple technique is called the "no-manipulation technique". 05:34 Just sit and notice and be aware, just observe and watch what's happening right this very second in direct experience, right this moment, just train your mind on that and try to stick with it. 06:26 No manipulation means that you don't manipulate your body or your posture, you just let it go natural and whatever it wants to do let it do it. 06:36 This includes your mind, so let your mind go natural. 06:51 If your mind wants to think, let it, and if it wants to experience some emotion, let it. Whatever is occurring for you. Don't try to "experience" anything, because you already are experiencing something, there's never a moment when you're not experiencing something. 08:29 When you start to practice this one thing you're going to notice that "I am manipulating myself not to manipulate myself". 11:05 You come into thinking "non-manipulation is easy, I can just sit there for 20 minutes and not manipulate myself " and the reality is no, you can't and it will take you a year or more to get decent at that, and it's not within your control. You can't control yourself. You can't manipulate yourself into not manipulating yourself. 11:41 It's out of your hands. The only thing you can control is the setting of the habit which is why it's so freaking critical that you do this every single day because that's really the only thing you can control here. 12:01 It is going to be very frustrating for the first year and so you quit in the middle of the learning curve. 12:35 Meditation is a pretty steep learning curve. The benefit of that is that once you get past the learning curve it becomes amazing, so amazing it's hard to even describe with words. 12:47 One thing you have to learn by hitting your head against the wall repeatedly through meditation every single day is that you cannot control your thoughts and I don't just mean that in the sense that "you suck at controlling your thoughts" and that one day you will get good at it. I mean no, you can't control your thoughts. 13:06 That's not an ability you possess nor will it ever come into your possession. Now to fully grasp the significance of that you will have to meditate for a while so I'll let you meditate and discover that on your own. I don't want to spoil the surprise for you. 13:25 Also you will have bad days, some days will be really really bad, on occasion you might have a couple of them per month. Remind yourself that it's actually during these very days that you're growing the most with your meditation. You don't grow the most when you're just sitting there and blissing out and being peaceful and calm. I mean those are nice, take when you can get them, but you're not going to have very many of those days when you start. Your best days are your worst days. 15:26 What counts in meditation is the fact that you sat down and you have the intention to sit there and to be aware. Now it's not in your control whether you will be aware or not and some days will be very bad days but still count that as proper meditation. 15:46 So the stipulation here is that you should have this kind of rule in your mind that you can use to reassure yourself when you think you're failing, that the only way to fail here is to not do the habit. If you sit through 20 minutes, you succeeded. It's that simple. Don't make it any more complicated. 16:24 Remember that what you're doing with meditation is you're sort of learning to deal with your monkey mind and you're learning to deal with all the distractions and self-doubt and sabotage that your mind creates for you and one of the ways in which it does it in the context of meditation is that it creates all sorts of questions and it wants to complicate everything. So here just keep it very, very simple. Your focus here has to be 100% on just sitting down and doing your 20 minutes every day. That's your whole focus. 17:54 Your first few months it's going to be 20 minutes a day then once you get a little bit comfortable with that, raise it to 30 minutes, then a few months later, raise it to 40 minutes, 50 minutes and then what I want you to do is by the end of the year, in 12 months, to be at 60 minutes, and then you can stay at that level for a while. 18:32 I give a lot of weird techniques for meditation for other types of inner development but really this here is all you really need. The effect meditation has had in my life has been beyond description of words and it's only been three years so far that I've been doing it. It's extraordinary the changes this will have on your mind. It's only 20 freaking minutes a day but what that will yield for you a year or two or three or ten down the road is going to be incredible. 21:26 One of things you are going to discover is that the level of happiness you have now when you're doing your favorite most flashy activity like going to a fancy restaurant or snorting some drugs or playing the newest hottest video game, whatever floats your boat, whatever really excites you, that you'll be able to get that level of excitement and more by doing absolutely nothing. 22:16 You've opened the doors now, it doesn't just end there. It's not just a blissing-out. You've opened the doors to real self-improvement at that point and any problems you have in your life, emotional problems, relationship problems, business problems, these problems just melt away almost by magic. They melt away because this is the power of the distinction between thinking and awareness. It's very hard to believe that this little distinction can have such a huge practical impact on your life but it certainly can. ******************* So I guess that's where I am right now, like a tiny little worm at the foot of Everest. But a worm is better than a chicken haha. The main message I'm getting is that I mustn't try to force anything to happen during meditation.

Days 3 and 4. Still on it for a 20-minute session. Watching Leo's "Do nothing Meditation" video yesterday really helped. I'll probably have to watch it a few more times to let the ideas sink in. Decided to keep my eyes closed as I had during the previous 2 sessions (which has so far worked well for me). It's advised in the video to keep them open but I thought that would be too distracting. Tried not moving (resisting the odd itch, etc) as advised in the video, but found the body stillness was causing my head to nod forward. So opened my eyes for the remainder of the session which helped with the "nodding off" bit. Leo was right ha. It would appear to be difficult therefore at the moment for me to simultaneously keep the eyes closed AND keep the body still? However, the good thing is I'm doing it in a calm, non-controlling, surrendering way as much as possible. The thing which is surprising me most is that I imagined these 20 minutes would crawl by. Kinda makes me wonder whether I'm doing it "right". These worries are allayed when I remember what was said in the video: you just have to show up everyday and not try to "make something happen". I really feel that I can do this, and will be able to get to a daily hour meditation (step by step) in a year's time as advised in the video. And that I will never miss a single day in my life. I'm committed to this. I actually do feel more relaxed after these sessions, and feel good about myself for doing this. Ha, right now I don't even care if that's the placebo effect, I'm still going to be showing up. So how can meditation help me with some other personal development goals I have? Progressively, I would like to be able to improve my people-pleasing tendancies. I often "over-compensate" with others to avoid the possibility of hurting or vexing them. I also second-guess myself quite a bit. "Did I say or do the right thing?" and all that baloney. I also feel like I have to be the life and soul of the party, which can be draining. The stress-management benefits of meditation will also help me achieve my other goals, such as be less "OCD" about certain things (like wanting to read absolutely EVERY thread on every message on this forum, starting from the very beginning!! And then every book on Leo's Self-help list. And then every video...) This "obsessive compulsiveness" about things means I don't often see the trees for the wood. I'd like to be able to see the "big picture" a bit more, which would help me prioritize things better. Another immediate benefit would be to help me procrastinate less. I'd like to, for example, play the piano a lot more, read more actual books (real books, instead of mostly "Internet reading") and gradually do more of the other emotional and consciousness work (shadow work, core work, inner child, etc). So this morning, I thought I'd try meditating first thing after getting up. Decided to do my session before anything else (but after the cat had been fed, otherwise ...) Maybe a morning session would allow me to accomplish both body stillness AND eyes closed? ... ... Conclusion, I am not a morning meditator. At least, not yet. I feel like I spent the whole session thinking about last night's dreams, what I have to do today ... Monkey brain. Thoughts were everywhere. Stopped and reset the timer twice to start again "this time to do it again perfectly" (OCD) Paused half-way through to check if the volume was high enough on the timer app on my phone. The volume wasn't even on. I fidgeted more than usual and for the first time was even wondering when it was going to end. Guess I'm just a bit more antsy in the morning. But I did stay until the end, that's the main thing right now. Will try and do a better session tomorrow. In the afternoon. That morning one was a bit rubbish to be honest.

Well done Raphael.? Do you sit on a chair? Do you prefer morning or afternoon for meditation?

Thank you Leo. Your warm, kind words have really uplifted me and given me strength. ❤️❤️❤️

Absolutely, thank you. All-or-nothing 's no good. I'm adopting more a take-it-or-leave it attitude with wine, no attachment, cravings, obsession. I just have to watch out for "priming" when I take the occasional glass at a special occasion, so I can get back on track straight away. I can do this.

Thank you, the penny dropped just before going to bed

"ime" ? I'm seeing this abbreviation a lot here. Does it mean "in my enlightenment"? Also is SAE "Spiritually Awakened Experience"? (It used to mean stamped addressed envelope to me, haha)

Turned up for my daily 20' of meditation today, am amazed the time goes by so quickly. Much more distracted today, though on the whole peaceful, calm and non-controlling. Distracted by the cat too who found me meditating and started licking my chin half-way through. No wine today, but alcohol is not part of the equation anymore, I no longer have any desire to drink any. There's not even any point me mentioning it any longer, you can take it on trust that I have committed to that. I'll keep it for exceptional, special occasions, like the New Year's Eve party, or a nice restaurant out. It's not even really difficult stopping the wine, after all, it's just the body, mind over matter. I have a lot of strong will power and conscientiousness. The "body stuff" is the easy stuff I feel. I know greater challenges lie ahead.

I am a huge animal-lover, so understanding the existence of cruelty to innocent animals who have no voice will be one of my biggest challenges. Like many, I feel hate, shock and horror at all the mindless and often gratuitous animal cruelty in this world. Looking at the videos on Peta's Facebook, whilst thinking we've all "invented all this in our own minds" or "they are illusory" or "inventions/projections of our ego", I just don't get this right now. I feel I could never bring myself to have any love or empathy for the evil perpetrators who commit such heinous acts, nor be able to "identify" (spiritually speaking) with them in any shape or form. Like Leo, I would also be able to empathise eventually with a junkie who stole everything out of my car. But how does Leo empathise with a guy kicking a half-dead bleeding terrified horse in the most inhumane way FOR NO APPARENT REASON? I recently saw (by accident) a video clip of that happening in a barn somewhere in Brazil, and there is no justification for his act. Even to say he was depressed, or angry, there must surely be limits to some things we can "excuse". I feel I will never be able to understand or properly assimilate the knowledge that God has "chosen" or "willed" all that into existence as part of his universe. Just can't get my head around it. So, that's where I am at the moment, trying to learn more about non-duality, the relative and absolute, the metaphysical, and concepts like "Love entails Freedom, Freedom entails Evil, so Love entails Evil","there is no good or evil from a higher perspective", etc, trying to make sense of it all.

@Arcangelo Cheers Arc! @modmyth @Raptorsin7 Thank you, you are all so lovely. Your words touch me more than you know.❤️ It feels so comforting when people "get where you're at".

Idk, just felt writing that out might help, I remember the hurt and tears I shed last night, I felt I'd been trying so hard and then Wham!

@wesyasz You could see how hurt I was, and yet you came back with a second comment to rub more salt in the wound. I explicitly stated how discouraged it made me feel and that I had been doing ok until that mean comment was left on my Goals page. But yet you ran roughshod over that and came back and trod on me again. You were disregarding my feelings and just willy nilly doing what you wanted to do instead. Why did you have to pipe in anyway? @Lynnel had already left a disparaging remark, which I'd clearly repudiated. You chipping in (twice at that) felt like being "ganged up" against. Not nice. Go read the comments again and you'll see that I unambiguously stated that the comments were not being helpful. Can you not read properly or am I missing something? I guess some people may just have to learn tact, empathy and compassion the hard way (karma's a bitch). At least the other Boot Camp Whipmaster left me alone afterwards.

@Raptorsin7 makes a great wingman! And a fearless defender of the underdog.

You're not exactly one to give advice though are you, @wesyasz ? Sleeping only an hour a night and consuming all that coffee and chocolate as you do. Not exactly what I'd call a paragon of virtue, are you? I've stopped the wine. Are you going to stop all that coffee you're drinking now? And get some sleep? Hope that's useful to you, I'm only "trying to help". As @zeroISinfinity put it so succinctly "They project their own BS onto you" Anyway, I thought I told you not to come back.