Depersonilized

@Jake Chambers Here is the way I've processed it in my mind - physically, the body dies. That's obviously true. Everything that is, at least, widely accepted under a materialistic structure of thought is exactly what you think it is, and that structure has a lot of utility for funtioning as a human in current times. However, reality (when observations are made depersonilized from the human-level into a more ambiguous, universal-level) is not "physical". If you were to see reality as a single unit rather than a loose collection or even tight-nit collection of many units, you'd observe the impossibility of birth and death because reality is there, has been there, will always be there, and is in whatever other "state" for all eternity. I do see your point though. I've been debating with myself whether or not an "enlightened" approach to life (if you know what I'm getting at) by itself is healthy to begin with. Maybe it's better to know and have that knowledge as a "background" to inform, strengthen, and enhance a more psychologically and practically beneficial system of thought and way of living. I don't know yet. Two ideas come to mind. Firstly, Ecclesiastes 3:1-8: There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. Secondly, Mark 12:17: “Well, then,” Jesus said, “give to Caesar what belongs to Caesar, and give to God what belongs to God.” Good luck on your journey my friend. It's just beginning.

@Javfly33 Well, from my own experience when I had this issue, I do believe that the acknowledgement that there is a problem, and the attempts to break free from it is in itself improvement in regards to ego-development. A lot of people who relapse can get completely discouraged under the notion that no progress has been made, and that discouragement can lead you right back into habitually using again. If you're putting in serious effort to better yourself that is already a step forward. Don't forget that. Write it down even: "I am making progress." You could write down in detail every small step you've taken to change and what the next small steps could or will be within the next week or even month. On the flip-side, write down everything that is hindering you from going further. In psycho-therapy, generally people go through a process of incremental improvement. One baby step at a time. It's also good to have someone who can keep you accountable. Going through this alone is not a good idea in my opinion. I had a similar problem not too long ago. It was as if the more I made attempts to better myself, and I actually did better myself, there was another part of me that was almost "enraged" for lack of a better term that I wasn't continuing the unhealthy habits. While my work ethic was skyrocketing at my job, home-life still had the aura of a shadow of trying to hide my drug use from family members. This really points to the idea to me that the ego seems to be influenced by a group of "personalities" contained within the unconscious and that somehow certain locations that have an association in the mind with a set of old habits seem to activate them. If I was to completely shift my habits for healthier living that kind of leads to the death of that "personality" within me. I need to study the shadow more to get a better understanding of this because I don't know what the answer is exactly yet other than just to push through. I wonder if that's even possible. Who's to say that pushing too hard will just make that "personality" push harder making it a self-defeating endeavor. I'm not exactly sure how to properly integrate it on a personal level.

@chakra_7654321 You know, I really don't believe that being very analytical in social situations is a problem in and of itself. I can only guess, but it might be that anxiety is what's causing you to "over-analyze" when you're in the heat of a conversation. That has been my experience anyway. I'd say the root of that is perhaps you said something odd one time or multiple times in the midst of a conversation in your childhood and got unfavorable reactions from others, which created the anxiety. Then anxiety made that worse overtime creating a negative feedback loop. To start, I'd say make use of that analytical mind of yours. Personally, unless it's just me and one other friend hanging out, especially one I know very well already, I have trouble adding to the conversation when the other is in the midst of making a point or in the middle of describing something. Anxiety has a way of disrupting an intuitive approach to conversing. So what I did was started really listening to people; repeating words or phrases that the other said where I felt I had a stronger reaction or felt was important either to them or to me; and asking questions (asking questions can direct the conversation or open it up more and are usually easy pinpoint). Once the other is finished making their point, you can draw from your listening skills and then analyze what the other said to create a well-thought out point of your own. Obviously, you don't want to take too long doing this, but this allows for some space for you to think rather than only intuit. Basically, what I'm getting at is make use of your strengths and weaknesses. If you can get the results you want out of life with an approach that best fits your mindset, do that. After you are able sort through yourself and find/create healthy approaches to life to accommodate for your weaknesses if at all possible then you can go back and start working on those weaknesses; healing trauma; fixing anxiety, etc. Find out who you are and establish yourself/ego-mind before you run off and start trying to change your personality lol. You know what I mean? Good luck, my friend. P.S. Women like good listeners. Just sayin'.

@AlwaysJoggin Humans have known for a very long time that we need rest. Heck, it's even in our religious books people found it so important lol. 12 hours every day isn't sustainable. At the absolute least, have one day a week where you can just fully relax.

@Rubywoo Well it seems like you have two ideals here. One is growth and positive change while the second is a compassionate love for people. Specifically your boyfriend. So you have two choices. Which ideal do you want to sacrifice yourself for? Your outer-world must reflect your inner-world (authentic-self) to the degree that you can control it, otherwise you are inviting chaos into your life. Assume that being conscious of that and not doing anything will set you back a million-fold, and this experience you had be completely lost to you in the years to come. Do not use God to justify poor quality decisions and a mediocre life. Do your best to work back to that if you want it to mean something. You see what I mean? These high-consciousness experiences are great and can do a lot to help you grow, but if there is no follow-up on that, what does it end up being really? Escapism. Good luck

I had two shots of Moderna. Absolutely no issues. I have no pre-existing conditions.

@Stovo I'm sure that the "universe" as it's conceptualized is not as we normally think of it. I believe our universe is more like a galaxy in the infinite sea of space. Hell, maybe multiple universes form a bigger cluster which is inside of another cluster, etc. Not to mention other dimensions to reality that we can't perceive. Just speaking from a material-angle here.

@somegirl Part of becoming an adult is changing what you see the ideal as. As a child you see your parent(s) as the ideal to strive for, but once you become independent you start chasing the ideal itself rather than using the parent as a mediator. After a while you see your own short comings, and as a reflection, your parent's short comings which gives you the capacity to forgive and understand. Then suddenly nothing really hurts anymore because you see just how lost they are. Start sorting yourself out, and create/realize a life purpose for yourself. I second what Leo said as well - really plan on moving out. Do whatever it takes to a reasonable degree.

@levani You wouldn't want to. MDMA is like really rich chocolate. Eventually it just gets old, and it's too much. You'd want to be sober after a while. Every time I've done MDMA I'm so ready for it to be over at the 3 to 4 hour mark. Those lovey dovey feelings are just annoying after awhile lol.

Little prayer I said from an insight I had while contemplating: "Thank you God for creating a repelling darkness such that I may be guided towards the light." Demons play their part in the grand scheme of things. They can help you to have a more well-integrated psyche by giving you a better understand of your own darkness, and trust me, there is no bottom. That's when shit gets serious. Then you realize your own selfishness, and there's only one way to go. Up. ?

@InsecureAnon For you in particular, I'd say get some good friends. It seems like you're in your head too often. Get out as much as possible and hangout with other people. If you can't do that, start creating some art using those emotions. Learn some new skills. The only way you're going to get out of this is to realize there's more to you than your height. You think it's them, but you wouldn't feel this insecure if you didn't believe it too.

@eaaaeaeae I've heard of that happening on psychedelics. Were you on a psychedelic or completely sober? What kinds of thoughts were they?

@taotemu Yes. Be careful with 5-MEO. You can actually die on it from asphyxiation if you don't know what you're doing or take too much.

@flowboy Makes me think. I wonder if "miracles" happen as a result of focusing awareness on something generally outside of the human perspective. We developed 5 senses arbitrarily to what was needed for survival, but I think it's possible and highly probable that other things are happening all around us that we don't have a firm connection with. Sometimes, maybe you can accidentely tap into it unconsciously, but since the mind doesn't necessarily have the capacity to understand what it's experiencing, it comes out strange. This creates a "glitch-in-the-matrix". The matrix being your normative state of being.

@BipolarGrowth I understand that. Just trying to communicate the general idea behind the term. I recommend reading some of the stories people have told about it on reddit. There's some wacky stuff that goes on sometimes lol. I just can't figure out why consciousness can have a certain flow and then suddenly be jerked in an entirely different direction so dramatically. Sometimes weird neurological problems cause this, but that's still within, let's say, the "normal" flow of reality as we understand it. It's clear to me now that things can just go haywire almost without any reason at all. Super weird.