Adodd

I have been into yoga, meditating, learning about emotions blah blah blah… so I really do have the tools to handle nearly any emotional situation yet when the emotion arrives it’s so damn convincing. It’s so hard to separate myself from the emotion, even if I can see all the signs and feel it in the body, it’s like when anger comes up there’s something deep that makes me feel like I SHOULD be angry. Just the thought of calming myself when I’m mad and my heart rate is elevated brings a type of resistance. Like my body is afraid to resist the emotion even though I want it to??? Like when I’m mad, there’s something almost subconscious resisting just taking a few deep breaths. Why? When I would literally rather happy than pissed off and I know that it will calm me down? what is subconsciously happening here? I feel pretty confident that most of the population can relate to this even if they don’t realize it and just to clarify I’m not talking about outbursts I’m talking about even when emotions are small. This is true for Small or big emotions .

Life has been a little tough lately. Feeling low and discouraged about life. Figured it was a good time for a strong trip as a reset. Yesterday I swallowed 200 mg of harmalas and 30 mins later i swallowed 6 grams of shrooms and 60 mg of nn dmt. I had a good trip but it was almost too spiritual and I got nothing practical from it. I saw how meaningless it all is and during the ego dissolution it was beautiful how meaningless everything was but now… I feel like, what’s the point in putting in so much effort. I have been working so hard. The average person could never see the internal conflict I push through every single day. It’s exhausting, it’s been exhausting for years and I don’t see much progress at all. Before yesterday I felt like “hey Im suffering and struggling every day BUT it’s ok because in the end it will all be worth it. But, what if it’s not. What if I spend my whole existence struggling towards the goal of not struggling and at the end I just spent the whole life pushing myself and pursuing things just to end up in the same spot by the time I die and I wasted my chance at enjoying life. Like I said, it was actually a good trip but coming out of it and back to an ordinary body and ego was tough. I don’t want to be stuck in this ego or body anymore. On the way out of my trip and back into my body I felt the intense need to stay boundless and infinite/physically die. (I wasn’t suicidal at all and didn’t ever come close hurting myself or anything like that) Because I was free of everything, and I no longer feel free. I feel trapped and alone in a meaningless reality. I don’t want a job, I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to put in the effort to even stand. What’s the point.

@Dioxide2533 yes I have kids already. Thats actually my biggest motivator. the stress and cocern is actually a good motivator also. I think life can be either a precious opportunity OR a curse. But i think if it s precious or not depends on us MAKING it that way. otherwise it will be a curse by default. Now, as for actually making it precious... that seems to be a lot tougher then what it sounds like or what you would imagine it would be. I do my best to take accountability and not blame genetics but i do think that it plays a part.

Man, i just want to give my kids the life I should've had and I don't want them to have the same kind of life that i had to grow up with(drugs, violence, mental health problems, growing up in government housing, etc.). I hope i can figure it out so i can teach them also and i can break that generational cycle and give them the knowledge that nobody was able to give me. Im so addicted to chasing dopamine that i dont know what else to do and when i do tell myself what i need to do i dont do it anyway...

One thing I will stop doing this: weed One thing i will start this week: excercising next week ill pick two other things

I don't even know where to start. first of all, I'm 29 years old and only began not wasting my life a couple years ago. I still feel like im wasting it sometimes actually. Man I WISH I DIDNT WASTE MY 20s!!!! Here I am almost 30 with no career or financial stability. Had i taken life more seriously a decade ago i wouldnt be so far behind. I aim to achieve MORE than the average person yet I am so far behind that i feel like i will run out of time before i reach my goals or i wont reach them until im almost dead of old age. Money really is so important and thats something Ive never said but am just starting to realize. Everything takes money, starting a business or wanting to master a skill or even having time to do anything requires you to at least have enough money to be focused on things beyond basic needs. I have all of these dreams and not a penny to put towards it and if I just work my ass off and save money for a decade i will be 40 years old before i have enough to really start chasing dreams. FUCKING 40! Thats half my life gone just by the time I START! And thats just the lack of money part, i havent even mentioned my lack of discipline, motivation, mental health, energy, knowledge etc. I am beginning to really fear that I will spend my chance at life pissing it all away until its gone. I wish I had the know how. i dont think i ever even met a succesful person until the last couple years of my life. I grew up poor with a family who also wasted/wastes there life and im just now starting to really understand the effects of childhood conditioning. There is a damn good reason that financial success runs in the family or doesn't. Its so hard to break out of the cycle. as much as i wish "just do it" was enough, its not.

@LoneWonderer

I think I’d be willing to try it at least once. I just don’t understand how you keep 40 grams of shrooms in your stomach without just puking them up and wasting a bunch.

@gettoefl such wonderful advice. Thank you, you are 100% right

@michaelcycle00 I can tell you know exactly how I feel!

@The Blade everyone will feel differently about this but if it’s true, that enough for me. wanting to know what’s true for its own sake even if it isn’t practical.