meadow

I am happy to receive feedback and comments here in this journal. It would actually encourage me and make me feel seen. So bring it on, if you happen to read

There is no trick. It is simply awareness and focus. It usually takes me 10-20 minutes of focusing on that feeling. Being curious, welcoming and open about it. The inner being will respond to the attention. And with love, nurturing and safety the inner being will relax and start to trust you to take control. It wants to be playful, bring creative energy and feel and give love. It doesn't want to be tense, defensive and have walls up. You have that power. You can give the joy back to your inner being. And it's totally free and fairly easy, effort-wise. I can't believe there's not more attention on this topic. This should be instead of commercials on TV.

Awareness, acknowledgement, integration. J sent a message seemingly randomly and it immediately sent my stomach churning. It always feels like there's an agenda behind her messaging. It's been so long since we were together but the toxicity between us from the break-up still exists. It is trauma in its own right, so it'll always exist there unless both sides work it away, I assume. I want to reflect on this, see if some shadow work can help me at least to not get triggered. She sent me a message to ask if I knew any cleaners, since it's a chore to clean three bathrooms. Is she telling me she's wealthy now because she has three bathrooms? Is she signalling that her new relationship is good, that her new guy is better than me? Is she trying to make me jealous or simply trying to signal her own worth? Step 1: Awareness It's that usual feeling of dread and anxiety in my gut. It's dark and swirling. It is afraid of being hurt. Of being rejected. Of not being good enough. It is warning me of dangers ahead. Making me aware of the danger of talking to her. There is so much hurt there. So much unpredictability. She is unpredictable, revengeful and dangerous. She's a fucking maniac actually. She severely damaged my life and stood in the way of much better options. She's damaged goods and not trying to do anything about it, wielding her beauty and sex addiction as primary means of getting forward in life. She's a user, an abuser and a master manipulator. It's only right that I get on my toes when she shows up anywhere. Ask the feeling who it is representing. Ask it what it is protecting you from. I am younger Meadow, who just got cheated on by L. I protect you from hurt, from dangerous women. They hurt you and it makes you feel terrible. So I protect us from that. Whenever a woman who has hurt us shows up, messages, interacts I put us on high alert. They are unpredictable and dangerous, and I protect us from that. I stretch out in the chair and try to yawn. It doesn't fully come out. I focus on the feeling in the gut and think back to when I was betrayed by L. I feel convulsions of yawning go through my body, none of them fully develop to feel satisfying. I start to breather harder, breath work hard, for half a minute and then hold my breath, quite tense. I almost black out in the chair but I feel some tension being released in my gut. It was the trauma response my body has been in absolving a little bit. I start yawning a lot, with a much more satisfying result. I must have relieved some of the tension from now and some of the trauma from then. This is about betrayal, I realise. It goes further back. Betrayal. Being cast aside. Being shown the proof that I'm worthless. Being left. Abandoned. Loneliness, dread, uncertainty of future life. This is the fear. Step 2: Acknowledgement I see you, every version of Meadow who has been betrayed, cast aside, discarded, abandoned. I see you, and I feel your pain. You have had to endure too much loneliness, too much disappointment and pain. It's so sad the things that have happened to you, the betrayal and abandonment you have had to endure. You are such a lovable creature, full of curiosity, kindness and beauty. I love you, Meadow. You are a fantastic, lovable person and perfect the way you are. Something happens. There's a huge relief in my stomach, and I feel it relax like what feels like never before. A tension so deep I had mistaken it for part of my default is lifted. When I focus on the feeling I now have in the stomach I experience a few strong vomit reflexes, convulsions. I sense a freeing notion, some spell is lifted off of me. I realise that I'm free. I don't give a damn about neither J nor L anymore. I am free! It was always there but I let guilt and responsibility over them stand in the way of my absolution. I start laughing deeply, crossing over towards crying. I feel a strong urgency to get up and exercise this energy. I run to the couch and start screaming into pillows, tensing my entire body up. And then the fists start flying into the couch and the pillows. I'm venting everything via frustration and anger, screaming as hard as I can bare. I do this for probably 10 minutes and then ease my way into the gaming chair again. I'm free, for now. What an absolute glory if so! I've carried this unresolved relationship trauma for the last four or maybe five years. I haven't been able to go into relationships without comparing, missing what J brought. Now, hopefully, I can forget all of that. I don't fucking care about her! She's not relevant anymore. I absolve you, I forgive you. We are not related anymore. There is no connection, no bond. We are severed, and shall remain so. I do not want you by my side again. You're free to go! Hah! Step 3: Integration Meadow, thank you for protecting us. You have done a great job. I love you. You can relax now. There is no one threatening in our lives and we are so much better at picking the right people now. We are also so much stronger and can deal with any emotional danger and hurt being thrown our way. We have such good tools, wisdom and support now. You are not alone. I'm here, I see you and I love you. Thank you for being you. I love you, you are perfect the way you are. We are great together. It is so impressive what we are doing together.

I went out tonight. It was the first time I went to this club. Somehow I've been aware of this place since I was 17, but always got the idea that it was a dangerous place. In a way it was kind of defusing to see the place. In another way it was triggering to think that I'm now basically too old to pick up any of the girls. It feels like I've been chasing some state I will never get to, and now or soon I'm too old anyway. What is it with the club scenario that I can't move forward from? I've had incredibly pretty girlfriends and girls in my life. Still there's this scenario in my head that triggers me, that I'm always facing while I'm at a club. I see a pretty girl and I just choke. It's not even that I want to approach her, but I just see her and immediately I feel like a failure. It's like I'm being judged simply by her presence. I'm too drunk to do shadow work now but I feel like this is the holy grail for my progression. I need to move forward from this idea, this place, where an in my eyes beautiful girl handicaps me simply by existing in the same vicinity. The pretty girls I've had have all approached me. They've seen my value from some kind of social/natural proof and chosen to approach me, to select me. From that point on I've just sailed on easy winds, until I start doubting whether she's good enough since I never picked her up myself. "Maybe I can do better if I go out and just learn to pick girls up from the dance floor". This fucking thinking ruined my best relationship with the only woman I've ever truly loved on all levels. I think this is also the reason it still hurts, 5 years later. Knowing that I gave her away, even though I was still in love with her and she with me, just because I felt I could "do better". This is such a painful point and I'm afraid I'll end up like the weird old guys at the club, who obviously know they're too old but hoping for some breadcrumbs to fall their way once some girl gets too drunk.

Interesting journal, keep it up mate

I have been with M the last few days and it has been very soothing. She has a positive impact on my emotional state. It is a crutch, but sometimes it's nice with some support in tough times. Last night my coach (whom I absolutely adore) suggested I do an exercise with M. The exercise was simple - access the inner child and ask questions while being responded to and comforted with unconditional motherly love. I snuggled up in bed with M and I started the practice. At first I was a bit uncomfortable and nervous, almost like stage-fright. But after each successive question it came more and more naturally to me to know what I needed to ask. It was like a cloud of sensation, diffuse, suddenly and gradually took shape until I had a clear question in mind. "Why don't the others like me?" This was me in school. I felt left out and different. We didn't understand each other, I and my classmates. M responded with something motherly and I soaked in the love and assurance. After a while a visualisation came to me. I could see the energy of the wounded child. It looked like a source orb (Divinity) with a hard glass shell around it. I could see the energy swirling inside. I could understand the energy, and could feel the absolute beauty of this purest form of innocence which had been protected to shield me from the atrocities I had to experience. I tried to assure it, send it love, welcome it. It will be a long process I'm sure, and I'm not done yet. It did however expand a bit, and the compact shell became a bit more diffuse. Instead of being in one concentrated spot in my gut it kind of expanded to cover a large part of my torso. At one point I felt the urge to be left alone. I think what happened was that I went from the anxious nice guy to the avoidant bad boy archetype as my defenses were being meddled with. I moved away from M and started to do breathwork. It didn't take long before I was ok with crying. I started crying, a bit disconnected at first, and took a pillow to cover my face. There is still for me a lot of shame connected to crying and it's not natural for me to be so vulnerable in front of myself. The connection to the crying came in bursts. I had to tell myself that I had endured terrible things and I was right to feel pity for myself. When I did that I could connect to my self-empathy somewhat. It is still very hard to allow myself that self-love and empathy. Perhaps I should have continued a bit more to give the ball of energy more attention and nurturing. However, after having cried for a while all the while M caressing me, I kind of just relaxed and felt into my body. I could feel myself being more open and vulnerable. It was a strange night, in terms of dreams. I dreamt of an ocean with stormy waves. A lighthouse with some significance. I would climb it even though it was very windy. Scenarios played out where the lighthouse came crashing down in different ways. The scenario would reboot a few times until I didn't climb up the lighthouse but just watched it from a bit away, observing the storm. I woke up a few hours later and I had to pee. The sensation of having to pee was much stronger than I've experienced before. It was to the point where I got really annoyed by the feeling. This is in contrast to how it normally goes in the morning where I am not really sure if I need to pee or not, due to my default dissociated state. I feel like I definitely made progress last night, however, I also feel like there's so much more. I don't want to create an expectation of a "big break" but it's hard not to look for it and expect it.

Sleep log Something is making itself known. I could not sleep last night. Every time I almost fell asleep, panic signals were triggered, and I got wide awake and moved into deep breathing. I saw the connection, the panic itself, the sensations are unheard emotions. Each flush of sensation in my body was energy I hadn't released before. It must have been triggered and awoken by the work I am doing and the process I am in. I realised that I am outspoken and careless in nature but I have been silenced by conditioning. Getting rid of my panic is getting rid of my silencing and re-aligning myself with my sigma mindset, fully owning it. I always walked my own path. I never cared about status and I constantly try to level the field by elevating those around me. I have previously doubted these qualities, feeling like I was too soft. Not "alpha" enough. Since I am not writing into a vacuum I want to highlight that it was a long time ago that I rid myself of macho behaviour. However the doubts have still been there. I could see that I am not like most, and I haven't found a relatable idol to model after. I did something really well last night. As the panic was washing over me, going out into the fingertips and leaving a prickly sense behind, I did not fear. I observed, fully accepting whatever was to be the outcome. I am proud of myself for this. I still feel the cramp in my chest muscles and I am very tired. I have a positive outlook though and know it in my deepest parts that I am moving in the right direction.

It really did feel like bridging time and space.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yk2bpo5paPw Continuing from above. Why do I fear the outcome? I fear rejection. I fear the pain of feeling like I am not good enough. I fear the embarrassment. Or rather, I have an intuitive understanding of the fact that I am not what I could be, and I resent myself for it. In the scenarios where I impress her in my head I am full with confidence, I know what I should say and do and I act with no social fear and full social liberty. It is within grasp, but is held back due to fear and stagnation. Who am I talking to? I am your judge. I am the perfectionist. I ensure work gets done right so that you don't fail. I protect you from failure. When we fail, we risk not getting love. We risk abandonment. We depend on doing well for recognition and love. A memory comes up, which has come up many times actually, but it didn't strike me as significant until now. I am 3 years old. I have glasses. I am at home, and my father is there with his brother. I accidentally drop my glasses on the floor and I can't remember if they break or not. The next thing shook me; my father kicked me and I felt it through the entire body. It made me so scared and I started crying, feeling so unsafe. It was the first time I experienced violence directed at me. What a fucked thing to do to a child! I realise now that this has caused me to have big reactions whenever someone raises their voice or similar. It has caused a fear of getting hurt in me. I focused on the feeling and invited the anger. I visualized shouting at my father and tensed up, shaking in my muscles. I took the pillow and screamed multiple rounds, drawing the anger out. I felt another wave afterwards, and tensed up and squeezed the chair all I could, making a very tense, loud noise from my throat. There is more there. To my inner child: You are completely safe. I love you. It is ok to make mistakes. It is ok to drop things. You are lovable, and I love you. You are a beautiful boy, and you are loved. It doesn't matter if you make mistakes, you are still loveable. I will always be here. I will always protect you. You don't need to be afraid. There is nothing to fear. You are a fantastic creature, and I love you. Wow. I was sitting for a few minutes really spending time with my inner child of that age. I took him through all kinds of awesome activities that we both love. It is the first time when I do visualization like this that I could actually feel it so vividly. I think I understand now, I think this is some kind of breakthrough. I could sense my emotions more as well, and they were easier to call up. I am seriously impressed with both the process and myself and I am feeling super excited about continuing!! I can really feel it in my being that I am doing the right thing here, that I am moving forward. It is my time now, after these few years of preparation. I will bloom!

Reflections I want to reflect on the topic of aesthetically pleasing women a.k.a conventionally beautiful women, and the intrinsic power of their beauty and how I think it's actually a signal that I'm weak for status. When I was sitting with J at the bar, a woman came in who hit all of the checkboxes in what I want physically in women. Very beautiful. I notice her and immediately I get a tension in my body. I'm trying to focus on the conversation with J. I manage, but I had to put effort into it. In my head I have scenarios of what I should say to her and how she shoots me down and I feel terrible afterwards and make it super awkward. Before she walked in to the room I had no intention to do pick-up. I was just there to have a hamburger with my friend. When she walked in, the entire agenda in my head shifted and I felt this performance anxiety appear. Somehow a part of me was already disappointed that I "didn't have the balls" to approach her. Some part of me wanted me to do it and this part has this intrinsic "disappointed father"-disposition. The kind where you only get approval if you perform with something he asks from you. My mind came up with excuses to not do it. Excuses like "you're not dressed right", "you're not toned enough right now", "you're looking too tired", "she probably wants to be left alone", "you won't know what to say", "it'll get awkward" etc I would have loved to be in that mind-state that I could have approached her, for good or bad. Now I just obsessed about the fact that I didn't. I felt my self-esteem get lower. I think I even started talking more silently. I guess there are a few things I want to unpack here. There is the fact that I fear the outcome, and the tension I get in the body from her simply just walking into the room. This seems to me to be part of my shadow. There is the fact that I obsess about beauty like this, when I honestly have no clue whether or not she would be interesting or fun to be with. There is the fact that I get this build-up of pressure to perform, which totally brings me out of a relaxed state and drives me further away from being able to connect or access my charm. I'll continue another day. I'm too tired now.

General log Today I was in the space of OK. Which was a bit frustrating because I was expecting more ammunition for my emotional and shadow work. I'm afraid that I will never pass the plateau (which might or might not exist) unless I do active work also when I feel ok. Until this point I've only done the work when I've had the urgency - when I've felt bad. But nursing myself back to OK is not the level of ambition I have. I want to be free. An emotional reflection I'm feeling a fear. It is almost inaccessible. It is connected to the panic attack, and the fear of dying. Fear of time running out. Fear of not achieving what I want to achieve. Fear of missing out. I did 30 seconds of rapid, violent and deep breathing. Then held my breath and made my muscles really tense up. I relaxed into the chair and almost blacked out. Step 1: Awareness Ask the feeling who it is representing. I am small Meadow. I protect you against hurt. What hurt? Being bullied. By your class mates. Memory of a fight in school comes up. I was feeling really low one morning. I'm 10. I fought a lot in school. I decide to leave and go home, because I forgot something. I think I forgot some books. This is my social anxiety speaking I realise now. As I exit the doors and pass my nemesis, he pushes me and says something sneerful. The proverbial switch is flipped and I go berserk. I turn around and deliver two consecutive low kicks and he visibly suffers, squeals and is defeated in sheer shock. I yell with a mighty force "YOU SHOULD JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP" and turn around and storm away. He starts crying and heads into the school where the rest of the class had seen most of the scene. As I'm walking up towards my bike, a girl E and two guys J and P runs after me. They are allies of my nemesis. A 10 year old's exchange is had and I was called a coward as I left, even though I left to fetch my stuff. I remember feeling hurt in many ways. I felt like I was the victim in the scenario but I got the social fallout. The bully got the sympathy. I felt like the whole class hated me. I felt undesireable. I feel undesireable. I felt like the tribe was about to exile me. I felt existential dread. Fear of being cast out. As a result I didn't have a single group until university. I couldn't manage being in or around groups and the internal struggles there, the constant power play. This is part of me still today, as I am very vocally anti-power play professionally. I don't compete, because I don't like either winning or losing. Winning means that someone else loses out. This hurts me. Losing means I fail. This also hurts me. At least conceptually, this is how I think about it. It's a good thing I'm not always aware of the people losing out over me winning. I lose focus for a while. Step 2: Acknowledgement I see you, little Meadow. You had to endure a lot of shit in school. You lived in an environment which was not suited for your highly gifted calibre. HIGHLY GIFTED Even the teachers gave you resistance. The other kids were jealous and you were too young to understand why. They struggled with school because it was hard to them. You hated school because it was under-stimulating. You didn't study and got great scores on tests. They had to study really hard to just pass. It's ok now. You don't have to struggle or be tense anymore. I'm here, and together we are doing really cool stuff. We are building businesses and making money. We buy the stuff we like. We plot our own course. We have great friends who love us. We have our own identity and plot in life. Thank you for protecting me up until now. Thank you for staying vigilant for me. Please know you are safe. We are safe. If something were to happen we are well trained as well. Your vigilance saw to that. But we are safe. It's ok to ruffle some feathers socially. It's ok to be a nuisance a bit sometimes. You have a good heart. Step 3: Integration Thank you for your service. Thank you for being there. I love you. We are one, and I will never abandon you. You are safe with me. We are safe. You are perfect the way you are. I love you and all you have done for me. Thank you, you can rest now.

General log I was lying on the couch earlier today staring into the ceiling. Everything was so, so dark. It was like I could touch the sensation of how bad I felt. I told my friend over the phone that I had never felt so terrible as I was doing in that moment. I think that was untrue now that I think about it. The panic attack I had a few years ago is the worst that I've felt. That was however more acute and physical. I really thought I would die. I can still recall the feeling of dread, realising that I would not have the opportunity to achieve and do the things I had expected to be able to do in life. Today was a different low, a more encompassing and heavy low. A pressure, not a stab, like the panic attack. I went to the sauna place and did a few rounds of hot sauna and cold sea. It's about 8 degrees now in the water. In the sauna I exchanged a few words with some other men there, and got a small HP boost from the socialising. It's a few hours later now, and I managed to make food for myself. Well, I heated whatever was left over from the lunch with my friend yesterday. I listened to one of my favourite songs very loudly, which kind of caressed my soul a bit. I just finished the call with my coach. He's such an interesting character. I feel so good just talking to him. There's something with his smile, his energy. It just penetrates the cold digital reality, goes through layers of screens, cables, networks and electrons and arrives lossless on the other side, warmly affecting me. Maybe I say that because I haven't met him yet. Might be even more in reality. Tonight I will do some yoga. I will go and buy a lighter so I can light up candles. I will then make it dark, light some candles and actually use the yoga mat I bought but never used. I'll do some yin yoga and then 30 minutes of shamanic breathing. If I feel all right I will also do some shadow work. Like I told my coach, I am not feeling well however I am still positive about the future. I can feel that this is transformative. That it is a phase. It is part of the breakthrough I will experience as I leave the plateau I've been on for almost 4 years.

Experiment I noticed when I sent the voice message to L that the unworthiness feelings were peaking out. As I was speaking, the inner critic came out to say things like: "she won't be interested in this", "you're over-sharing", "she will think you're a weak and boring man". It is connected to my innate understanding that there is something wrong with me, that I am not worthy. This understanding is as natural as gravity. Step 1: Awareness Ask the feeling who it is representing. I am your protector. I protect your from hurt. I protect your from abandonment. I make sure you stay liked and don't ruffle any feathers. I make sure you are safe. I don't want us to get abandoned by this girl. We like her, she's cool. She doesn't need to know all these potentially boring and exposing details. So I want to modulate what comes through the filter. Fear. I feel fear. Fear of opening up. Fear of risking losing her once she sees the true me. I feel fear that I am not enough. When was the first time I felt like this? I was on Greece. I was 7. My mother had a new husband. I woke up at night and couldn't find them. It was dark in the hotel apartment. I couldn't find them anywhere and got really afraid. I thought they had fell of a cliff and died. I could see them in front of me, white dress and shirt outlined on the sand 50 meters below me where I stood on the cliff. This image I conjured up in my mind I can still recall to this day. I left the apartment and went out alone to look for them. I walked around crying, couldn't find them anywhere. I walked to the restaurants where we had eaten but they were all closed. I was feeling alone and terrified and I was sure they were dead, that I would be alone. Just like my father left me, I would now be abandoned by another parent. A man asked me if I was ok I think. I remember suddenly walking with a man, telling him I was looking for my mother. Luckily he wasn't a child rapist or trafficker. He followed me back to the hotel and notified the staff. A few hours later my mother and her husband came back, drunk, and I can't remember if I got the emotional attention I needed. I do remember that the husband was very dismissive towards me and clearly didn't want me to be there, in general, that trip. A gesture I now pay forward to one of my younger cousins who annoy me, probably because he is like I was back then. What an utterly sad and terrifying situation for a 7-year old to experience. Fucking shit parenting of my mother! How could she let that happen, the fucking bitch! Don't bring your son with you on your honeymoon if you're not going to own that responsibility! It's a damn miracle I still have a lust for travelling. How does the feeling feel like physically? It's a hard, solid, heavy ball right behind the navel. It sits deep and it is very rooted. It is an old one, part of its environment like a shellfish on a ship. It is anxious energy. It seems like I yawn when I focus on it. It slowly swirls. It is potent. As I'm feeling into this I feel restlessness and I start yawning. The yawns never complete, leaving tension behind. I sit for 10 minutes, breathing, massaging my stomach, trying to focus on the feeling from the fear, abandonment. It did not feel like a breakthrough. I like that I am doing this, even so. The knowledge that I am doing the work, giving myself this, is warm. Step 2: Acknowledgement I see you. I understand you. You want to protect me from harm. You want me to not have to endure such pain as the abandonment wounds have already caused me. You are protecting me from the abandonment of my father and the neglect of my mother. You've been with me all my life. Protected me from potentially harmful situations. I see that, and I appreciate that. I accept you. To my inner child: Please know that you are safe. We can handle rejection and abandonment together. I will lead you home safely every time now. There are so many fantastic things I will show you. You will be so excited about everything. And we are doing it together, you and I. You are not alone. You will never be alone. I love you exactly the way you are. You are worthy of my love and of all love. I love you. Step 3: Integration Thank you for being a part of me. Thank you for protecting me. I see you, and respect you. Together we are strong. Thank you for making me into the person I am today. I am proud of us, of me. I thank you for your contribution in that. I love you, great things are to come. Please stick around and enjoy the fruits.

Thank you for seeing me, this really made me happy. And please know I will send love to you during my gratitude meditation tonight.

Emotional log: Got panic signals last night. Stronger than in a long time, probably a few months. Feel into it: Where: Stomach How does it look: Swirlning dark ball. What does it say: I'm not happy about where we are. I'm concerned about the future. Confusion. Why are we here and not where we want to be? I'm afraid we won't have money soon. I'm afraid I'll turn out a failure, like my father. I feel a constant anxiety. I feel a constant regret for the bad decisions I made. I'm hyper-focusing on it. I feel dizzy at times. I get panic signals and cramps when I go to bed. I feel very lonely at night. I masturbate and play games to cover the feeling instead of going to bed early and getting my act together in the mornings.

Would whole-heartedly recommend @flowboy. He's unstuck me more than once and gave/pointed me to a tool I use regularly now - shamanic breathing.

I have experienced a strong creative energy and flow for the last 3 days. This spurred a whole flurry of productivity on my side-gig. I have kicked off work with a freelancer and have a clear roadmap for two whole work streams. The work excites me and I am looking forward to watching my product grow. It is an interesting challenge to slow-grow it as a side-gig with only freelancers. I had a long, great, talk with a friend of mine where he shared about his recent sexcapade. I loved hearing it and felt genuine happiness hearing that he had enjoyed himself so thoroughly. It was also stimulating to hear him describe how he feels about this woman. I reconnected with the feeling I had with my most important ex. This brought my attention to how it feels now, and how the beginning of this relationship did not feel as.. impactful. Something I am grateful for: I laid down in the ocean twice this week. It is -3 degrees. I was fantastic. Something I want to achieve tomorrow: I want to not forget anything when I leave this cabin. Something I'm looking forward to: Cuddling with my gf. Nice dinner on Valentine's. Getting work done on my side-gig. A feeling I am experiencing: I feel tiredness.

A very good friend of mine recommended to start this journal. I agree with all of his reasons and have a few of my own. I like writing ✅ I need, at this time, anonymity but do appreciate feedback and comments ✅ I like the journaling habit ✅ I hold myself back a bit in daily life so I will use the journal to really go all out and clearly state what I'm proud of and give myself compliments where due. A brief intro - I'm 30+, grew up in a Northern European country and spent quite some time in Amsterdam while living the rock-star life for a while. Wolf of Wallstreet stuff. Lots of money, parties, orgies, drugs, drug-fuelled orgies.. all the decadence the 20s should be about. When it comes to sex, drugs and techno I can die a happy man today thanks to those years. This behaviour, however, all culminated with a massive drug-induced panic attack which took 6+m to properly recover from. It originated from a combination of "work hard, play hard" for years, crazy partying, cocaine, speed and all the other stress-inducing substances and behaviour which I never fully allowed myself to recover from between the sessions and weekends. I would go hard in the week, travelling a lot for work and doing million euro pitching and then go even harder in the weekend to "recover" from the work. Then kick it off with a massive hangover and Tuesday blues and restart it all again. After a few years of self-abuse in this way in the name of "you only live once" there suddenly was no more margin and I blew up internally. I'll write about the attack, the parties and the sex adventures I think. Some of them are truly amazing and bizarre and belong in some kind of book for sure. Now, as perhaps a sort of a backlash, I live in a restrictive middle-eastern country since less than a year, building a bank. Yes, I earn a lot of money right now. No, it doesn't solve any of my issues beyond petty comfortability ones. My financial goal, however, is to make 1M EUR a year, somewhat passively, and I am a long way from that, since I am still a wage slave although I report directly into the CEO and do have a lot of freedom. I make close to 300k/y now but 0 passively, at the moment. In order to reach my financial goal over time I am doing a few things on the side. It makes sense to say that my financial goal can probably also be reached by excelling at my main job, since I'm now shoulder to shoulder with billionaires via work and I have a particular very hard to find skill which these guys need to maintain and grow their massive (banking, insurance, oil, construction) businesses. The only caveat is that the timelines are very long since the scales are huge and the industries slow. On the side; - I am building a business which I've put 28k in so far and haven't been able to get a paying customer yet. It's a SaaS business, and I do have some steady traffic now and do get some trial subscribers but have 100% churn and am currently working to understand and then reduce that. I am not ready to abandon it as I have a strong vision about this business and whenever I get the chance to pitch the vision - people get excited and want to use it. The product just doesn't deliver on the promise yet, though. - I am hands-off investing in an affiliate marketing site that I've put 7k in so far and it is showing signs of soon getting commission. Traffic is steadily increasing and ranks are going up. The SEO agency provides me with a fully managed service for an ok price. A few times in my life I've realised that what I am good at is not what I care about or am passionate about. My skills are transferrable between domains but I've gotten really good in a particular one which I don't necessarily see as a passion. The only thing that keeps me going when shit is boring and I'm feeling down is keeping my eyes on the salary. I need to change this situation. In parallel to the above I am working with a life purpose coach who is helping me to ask the right questions and log the answers. This is helping me to see that I belong as an entrepreneur, and not truly where I currently am. The work is not done yet, by far, but it is nice to see the truth reveal itself through the work that I am doing. That's it for now. Yesterday I kicked off a program I am responsible for. 20+ million dollar budget. 250+ people involved with multiple different industry leading vendors. Shit is huge now.

I am alone. I am in a cabin on the country side. There are fields around me. I just went to the ocean, dipped. It's -3 right now. Two days ago I did the same but then I walked to and from the sea-side. That was better, my feet are still cold right now as I drove home instead of walking. Heat should come from within. I had a very good day yesterday. Seeing a lot of progress with work. Landing in the role, I understand it now. I am a big boss now, and understand how to play it, how to be the leader I want to be. It feels great to not do it from a perspective of ego. I do what I do to get results for the institution. I really do not care about getting lots and lots of employees. I would prefer to not have a big team. Managing people actually sucks. I like to manage missions. I like to inspire people to do well. I do not like to bitch about salaries or vacation days. Yesterday I felt very strong. Today I feel strong but a bit sleep deprived. Somehow I am feeling more integrated.

Cooled down a bit since yesterday. Made some money on day-trading and it seems the staring at the charts has some kind of meditative effect on me and the gains give me some dopamine kicks. Saw myself in the mirror today and am really getting fat around the belly. Feeling tremendous judgements against myself about this. The toxicity of yesterday stems from self loathing, I believe. When I am accepting and loving of myself I also feel love for my gf. When I'm in the judging space, the narcissistic tendencies take over. Not sure why I am explaining this to anyone really. It is what it is. I'm a total douchebag ~5% of the time I would estimate. The rest of the time I'm good or better with people and animals.

I'm in a toxic mind-space so read at your own peril. Dragons. Jordan talks about the hero myths a lot, and how they relate to us in ways we do not always appreciate fully. I have the feeling I am lacking dragons in my life. No dragon to slay. My hero journey has stagnated and I am in the filler episodes. I am standing still, somehow. My life is completely built up around safety. All the NPCs are benevolent. There is no real physical danger or risk of real evil. How can I possibly be a hero in that setting? I have no nemesis, no antagonist. I am both the protagonist and the antagonist. I am longing for a nemesis. A dragon to slay. Real, useful and important danger. I have a sleeping warrior within. It brought me to the arena in Muay Thai and showed me the beauty and enjoyment of applied, methodical violence and physical dominance. My life has not let this warrior come out much. As a result I feel harmless - the worst condition for a man to be in. This is an important thought. Work has to be done to become dangerous again.

Big thoughts stirring in my head. Doubts about many things. I feel like I'm surrounded by a cloud of doubt and that I'm walking around with full pressure that can't get released. I'm doubting my girlfriend. I don't feel proud of her. She is too plain and normal, easy mode. I feel like I could have done much better. Only certain aspects of her trigger these thoughts in me. We have many good parts as well. We have amazing sex, truly. And we have quite a good time together. But I don't find her super beautiful. From some angles she's really, really cute and sexy. From some angles I don't like what I see that much. I have big issues with her lax approach to big things in life. I find that I judge her a lot, silently, when I see traits that signal laziness and/or lack of drive. We're at the point in the relationship where it doesn't feel natural to share these thoughts and doubts. I'm starting to feel trapped again, and my avoidant tendencies are growing. I'm retreating more and more of my true self. It doesn't help that I for sure have narcissistic tendencies as well, so I don't know how much of the lack of beauty is real vs just in my eyes (such that no one would ever fulfil my desire for beauty). I'm considering becoming a police officer. But I'm doubting whether it's a "grass is greener" thing or if the desire is genuine. I did well in the military once I warmed up to it and accepted it. I applied for military university but declined after I was approved. I chose the civilian route back then. There are things with this heavily "blue" profession like being a cop or a military person which entice me. I am unsure whether I am blue enough for it. Or maybe there is a misconception there - in my home country the police isn't necessarily as blue as the one in the states for instance. Progressiveness is required as well. But there is something inherently blue in such a large, national institution. I doubt whether I would actually enjoy the rigidness and structure. I fundamentally see myself more as a founder personality but also that might be a misconception, something I've told myself because I always wanted the sexy life of rich entrepreneur. So I could get the babes. My passion in life, my interest in life, was lost somewhere along the way. I feel like I have corrupted my sense of self, of even being able to know myself. I don't even know what I like to do, really. I have been a part of an arrest a few times in life. Once a shoplifter and once some guy trying to steal a phone from a girl. Both times I acted immediately, like I was compelled by an inherent force in me that just knew what was right and wouldn't let anything get in the way. I know that I have a lot of physical power in me, a lot of violence ready to be applied for the right purpose. As such, I am a warrior type. But I need to be in the right war, the one I believe in, in order to unlock that energy. I spoke about the Blue, that part is a strong blue part in me. I feel like that part, even if it's dormant, even if it's not something I use every day, that part has a redline into my heart. When it lights up, I am integrated. Maybe I can only truly be integrated if I embrace the blue and let it lead me. I might find room for my creativity, my Green, my Orange if I structure it as satellites around blue, and let blue guide my purpose. I do like order, and I work well in order. When I have my life in order, when I follow routines, is when I feel the best. When I fight and lift heavy things multiple times per week is when I feel the best. When I do things which make me proud and bring me acceptance and delight of my peers I feel the best. When I do things that really matter, hard things not everyone can do, I feel the best. When I have my place in the world and can nerd out in a corner of it and be creative and inventive, I think I would feel very well. Working shifts as a police officer? I think the sleep thing would be tough. Making arrests, catching people, using my general intelligence to solve crime... all of these things I think would put me in the zone. It is a very enticing thought. The money? It would suck to have a shitty salary. Do I have enough cash right now to make it bearable? Almost. Yes, if I use it well. Do I really care about material possessions? No. The happiest I've been was living on 800€/m programming video games as a student. I had to hack together a Hackintosh because I couldn't afford a Mac, and I needed MacOsX for the tooling. I was feeling so good about myself back then, budding entrepreneur. I was also feeling very good in the military at times, although perhaps because there was a deadline of a year for that experience. I did enjoy it to the point where I almost made a career out of it, but maybe that was more because I didn't really know what I wanted to do. Opening the doors of opportunity, kind of. I wish I could just talk to some sage who could figure it out for me and then tell me what to do.

Met a guy at the gym this morning. He was very friendly and we decided to workout together. I started doubting whether I was smiling too much. Or if I was too eager. I probably was. It is what puts me in an inferior position in relationships. It makes me feel like I want the relationship more than the other party. Anxious behaviour. Just chill, relax. Let things roll. Stop playing games.

Very tired in the morning, slept longer. Weird fever-like feelings before waking. Good energy and aggression during the day, and great effort to finish that 5k run. Planning out my week properly now. Sales and marketing for my side-gig is staked out daily. Habits take a while to take shape but I am getting there with small steps. Anti-depression light is on as I sit by the laptop.

3 paying subscribers now! Whoop! I have been fighting fatigue the last few days. Emotional distancing strategies towards my gf. Is she beautiful enough? Is she smart enough? Questions like these swirling in my head. I am happy I have come to the point where I do not listen to it anymore. I know that it is simply a reflection of how I judge myself. When I have felt the best with myself is also when I have felt the most love for her. I am starting to see a pattern. If I put myself in a situation I do not like but force myself through either way, it comes back with vengeance with effects such as the above. Toka koka, equal balance. There is no escape, I need to follow my heart and not my brain.