meadow

One particular person manages to trigger me as soon as I see their name in my email inbox. We don't even know each other. I never met them. Nothing has really gone wrong. What is happening here? I need to dive deep into this one. Feelings There are feelings of anxiety and fear. In my belly. Elevated heart rate. Adrenaline response. Humiliation. I fear humiliation. I feel inferior. I am afraid they will expose me. Impostor syndrome.I fear being shown as stupid. I don't like how he makes me feel insignificant. I feel a dismissive attitude coming from him. I fear being excluded from the group and I fear him being the one excluding me, convincing the others of my exile. The feeling is rowdy. The feeling moves around in my upper body, torso. The feeling has a black colour. The size of a tennis ball. Hard, rough surface. It wants to say: Don't dismiss me. I don't want to be excluded. I don't want to be outside. I deserve to be here. I deserve to be listened to. I am doing good. I am worth something. Past When was the first time I felt like this? What comes up? School comes up. The other kids. Michael. The girls. Realizing I was undesriable. Realizing I wasn't invited. Feeling alone. Feeling ostrasized. Making a mistake in front of everyone. Maybe in front of girls specifically. Fear of extinction. The time I picked my nose and the others saw it and gave me disgusted looks. That was hard to deal with. Shame. Integration It's ok to make mistakes. It doesn't mean I will die. It is ok to make others wait. It is ok to not be able to answer everything. It is ok to be mean when necessary. They hold no power over you. We are strong now. We welcome adversity. We welcome challenge. We have overcome every single one up until now. Thank you for taking care of me. You are so amazing. I am so proud of you. You have been such a hero. Reflection Started yawning and speaking out loud, saying all the nice things. I could feel that I was speaking to my original innocence which responded with disarming some protection mechanisms. I feel less triggered now and the guy from above seems like a trivial distraction I know exactly how to deal with now. Wow this method.

How does the feeling look like? I don't know, I'm shut down. It's hard to access. Tension in the gut. Creeping up towards solar plexus. During the run I felt some anger towards class mates from my youth. Because I think my social fear stems from there. As I think about that I feel soething. Why were they so mean and why did they exlude me. Why am I always the odd one out? I guess that's not actually true anymore. I have good friends and good circles now. Bettter people. Why is my school time triggered nwo? What is the feeling? Yawning is going better today. The running helped. The seagulls are back soon. I listened to music and felt. I caught something. I think I have inherited a trauma from the fucker I grew up with for a while. The ex of my mother. He was pathetic in many ways. One thing in particular stuck out. He used alcohol a lot on the weekends and sort of hid in his coccoon of self-pity and shame. He was ashamed of not having actualized, actually. Now that I think about it. He let himself live a life he didn't want to live and didn't have the power to change it. He was a pussy. He was exactly what the movie the fight club was warning about. A pacified, emasculated fearful in spirit little man. As I'm sitting here, listening to music in search of my feelings and to connect with whatever it is that is brewing inside I felt something come up with an intense anger. I see similarities between him and me with the way my life is right now. I have so much untapped potential and I am wasting it. I am 36, soon 37 and am 15 years older than I would feel comfortable being looking at what I have achieved so far. Especially in the area of women. I've had a lot of women for sure however it's only been the 5 - 8s max. I still get intense fear when dealing with 9+ women, I think, but I don't know since I haven't come across any women like that for a long time. Especially not in a social setting where flirting is acceptable. I also daily shoot myself down thinking I'm too old for the 10s now. That is all part of the generational trauma he loaded me with. Not only did he fucking sexually harass me at times, he also passed off some of his pathetic, ugly, creepy spirit residue that I am carrying around now. Well that ends. I see it now. It will be purged and I will heal and replace that area with my beautiful original innocence. Let's try to find it. It's like when lying in that machine in baldur's gate. Trying to find the tadpole. Except mine doesn't grant me any kind of powers. What is this hesitance around taking leadership? Around assuming that I am right and know right? Why am I not allowing myself to be good? It is ok to take charge. Most people want to follow. I am ready for the next 10x. I am ready for expanding my sense of security, sense of self, to the outer limits. I am ready to become, to fully bloom. I am ready to embody boldness, take, seize what I find is rightfully mine. I am ready to wake up from my slumber. I am ready to fully integrate - to man up. To become the man I look up to. To become what others can look up to. To walk the path of Good and spread good. Elevate, love, laugh, leave cynisism and bitterness behind. What are the steps? I am coming out of a very tough period but it has paid off. On Monday I will know. On Monday the next chapter begins. The ruthlessly genuine opening act of the main story of my life. I am in the period of peak manhood. I need to show up, be visible, fully embody what my philosophy of life is. That is it, 100% activation, 0% passiveness. That is the challenge and the next step. Do not be a drone, be your own man. Be what you would be proud of. Do what you would be proud of. Create memories, go adventure, do the thing. Do all the things. Activation, being active, actualizing, developing, building, growing. That is how it is unlocked. Love. Stay connected. Do not fall for drone-hood. 1. Set aside time and energy for connecting daily 2. When cash is available, work with the right coach 3. Expand with music, learn an instrument. 4. Grow with sports, personal development, philosphy. Develop the brain in areas where I'm lagging behind right now. 5. Elevate towards the strategical levels and leave the tactical behind 6. Dedicate effort towards increasing understanding of people, persuasion, leadership And 7. Plan a mushroom retreat.

Also first time I did such a long yin yoga session by myself without a video. Just me and the music. Incredible.

I feel tired. No visuals today from 3/4 drop. That’s ok. I definitely let out some tension today, even if it still feels a bit shallow. It is not time yet however another ayahuasca retreat is necessary. The last 5% will require 95% of the effort. Perhaps then consistent peace.

Microdosing today. I have noticed the tendency to go to bed in a triggered state when I don’t feel like I have made enough progress during the day. Or when I have had severe ADHD symptoms (I don’t know if I have ADHD, note for future reference in case I end up actually having it). In either case, here is my thinking. I am now in a state of severe lack in one aspect of my life; money. I am working every day to get out of that hole. I have chosen the entrepreneurial journey and this is my trial. Become an entrepreneur or die trying. An entrepreneur is someone who buys or builds businesses and then sells them or keeps uses them as leverage for a higher purpose or lifestyle. Two out of three of my business run a large deficit, a debt, towards me. I have less than three months to get out of this hole. I believe this situation is triggering some state of lack. I feel vulnerable. I feel insecure. This morning when some random arab started talking to me during my run my immediate reaction was fear. In reality the only dangerous person in that situation was me, if we look at sheer capacity for violence and destruction. Thinking about him now I feel absolutely certain I would have won in a death match. And yet, my response to a simple “what you up to” was fear and slight shock. So yes, although, subtle, I am in a triggered state. “In the box” as I always say to S. So I microdosed today to see if I can understand this triggered state. Get to know it closer. Identification I can’t yawn properly. Usually a tell-tale sign I have unreleased tension in me. It’s hard to find a certain emotion or feeling or trigger to focus on. I saw a white circle, ball, stone. Hard surface. Yawning now. Let’s try body activation. Yin yoga. But the music is too good right now. Yin yoga can wait. Let me breathe instead. The thing is, I feel absolutely certain I will solve the situation I’m in. I have no fear. However, somehow at times I get triggered - which leads to worse sleep - which leads to poor performance - which then actually hurts the process. What is the trigger? Who are you? Which part of me are you? When are you from? What happened to you? Let me ask out loud and see if I get answers. I fear becoming my dad. I fear becoming a loser, like him. I fear breaking, not able to apply any kind of capacity anymore. He broke. He gave up. Kept smoking though. Five children, all resent him. What a loser. I realize my judgments towards him go straight into myself too. Is this the source of my sense of being ugly? Being not good enough. Being inherently bad. No that’s the fearful avoidant. It’s a combination of things. This certainly affects it. Yes, I hate the parts I see in myself which look like him. His darker features. I resent him and everyone from the same country. I resent that whole culture. The whole country. I thought I had moved on. The conversation with him a few backs re-triggered this. Or maybe let it out. Yes, let it out. Previously I was in a more kumbayah state regarding him. I thought I had forgiven him. Now I’m here, fucking ended up in the same city, in money issue, just like him. I’m just waiting for the stroke to happen too, then the transformation/regression is complete. Yeah I have not forgiven him. I forgive you. You did your best. With what you had. I am part of a younger and more aware generation. I have had different circumstances, all the way from my genes to my opportunities. I still judge you however. And right now, that has to be fine. I am judging you as a separate person. Not as related to me. I am judging you for the choices you have made. For the weakness with which you have approached life after 30. Meak. In so many ways not a role model. I will be, however. I will be a role model to my children. I will break the chain. Speaking to you the last time it was clear that you were still a child emotionally. You have never healed. Your toxic beliefs have locked you in a state of limiting mindset. You have not been able to seek help because you didn’t believe there was a better reality available. I pity you and see you as lesser. That is my earned arrogance. In a fight I would win. And lose at the same time. I am better than you. With all frameworks I use to measure such a thing. I do believe in your value as a human being. I know you are a divine being like the rest of us. And your original innocence is beautiful. Truly beautiful. And I am sad that you have lived your entire life without discovering it. Your mother left you when you were 8. You have had an avoidant personality since then. You never healed. I pity you. I feel sad that so much of your potential was wasted, locked in, never realized. I have seen photos of you in your early 30s. You looked bad-ass! You could have become something very impressive. I can’t even visualize it however I believe in the power of willpower and applying time and pressure to solve problems, no matter what type. You fucked up. You didn’t get up again. You checked out. And so you have lived a meek existence since. Maybe it’s everything you wanted. You perhaps have found your piece. And I could have been fine with that.. but you have 5 children who all resent you. And you are not a part of any of their lives. That is failure, in my book. I will never be able to see it in any other way. I went to the floor and starting hitting the pillows and screaming at the top of my lungs. I could definitely feel the rage. Still quite a bit of self-judgement. And gates not fully open. Tiny thoughts about disturbing neighbors, about missing my food delivery. I did connect and naturally started crying a little bit. I was sobbing without tears. Hard to say whether these are defenses or just that the tears are not there anymore for this. I still feel that it is harder to yawn. I got a few good yawns out. Side note, I rarely if ever have panic symptoms anymore. I am also not at all afraid of them anymore. I believe I managed to heal myself. Using breathwork, microdosing, ayahuasca, meditation and shadow work. I went to two psychotherapist sessions which had absolutely no bearing at all on resolving the syndrome. Their answer was basically - you just have to deal with it, you’re sick now. The tragic state of modern western medicine practitioners. Food arrived. It’s ok to be afraid and do anyway. The triggers I’m feeling might be simply just a reaction to the unknown. It is, after all, the first time in life when I am truly standing on my own legs only. Everyone is coddled until they run a business and depend on it for their food on the table. This period has given me so much growth. It’s ok to go to bed triggered sometimes. I will find out eventually which part of me is trying to defend me from whatever it is. Ghosts? Reality? I want you to know, every single fiber of me, this is directed at you; we are OK. We can make anything happen. We are fucking powerful. We manifest magic on a daily basis. We are loved. We love. We are living our purpose. We are enjoying the process. It is like good stretching, on the edge of pain and pleasure. This is it. This is growth. This is walking our own path. Creating our own destiny. Get comfortable. I, we, the royal I, am/are completely confident we will make it. On the other side of this hill lie untold adventures, treasures, joy. Heck, if we listen carefully enough, we can hear the vibrations. Listening closely to them we can also relax into the utter relaxed peace of the now. We do not even need to wait for anything. It is already here. There is no I. Relax into divine excellence. All is well.

I have S in my life now and it’s like 50% of life has been resolved. We have such a good time together. Laughing so much. Enjoying the still moments. There are important lessons to be shared. Fearful Avoidants need to know. Avoidants need to know. With her I am secure. Without her I don’t think so. I will continue my work, continue my growth. I feel like I have the energy and security to be a better person as well as truly, every day, move towards the person I want to be. My habits are quite good, I have been ultra productive since quite a few months. Money is still an issue however I have a clear plan on how to overcome that problem. She is supporting me every step of that way. This harmony is priceless. And I just had to be myself. Even though that was a very difficult part.

Women live longer than men. Women cry more than men. Do we need more proof? ?

Really appreciate your journal here. I feel like you're a younger version of me who took better decisions and isn't about to let 10 years just slip away. I'm rooting for you. Thanks for writing about IFS.. will explore that now. And thank you for posting that Crywolf song, new favorite artist.

I feel stuck. I microdosed earlier today. It brought up the frustration and anger I have within me lately. I'm so damn unhappy right now. One step forward two steps back. I keep making emotional progress then proceed to move backwards from overworking or some other bad habit. Right now I have to work though. I don't have the financial freedom anymore to do how I used to do. I need the success of this company and I need the salary I'm taking out right now. I feel like the situation is keeping me fucked. It won't matter how much work I do. I'll be funneled into insecurity. What am I feeling right now? Breathing. It's so hard to feel. It's easier to hide in intellectual activity. Looking at a screen. Allowing porn and sex distract. I'm feeling a fuzzy, unfocused feeling in my gut and my throat. I feel so numb. It's so frustrating. And scary. Usually I have some physical manifestation in my gut, some feeling I can connect into. Now I'm just numb. Even on acid. I think I'm just very, very sad. I feel like I'm throwing away my life. Doing shit I don't really want to do. I'm getting old. Like really old suddenly. All this self development stops being useful if you suddenly are so old that the world moved on. Why should I try to improve if I can't even enjoy the fruits of my labor? Still feelings of shame. Unfocused. Numb. Fuck it all.

Logging this. Intuitively ended up in a primal therapy solo session earlier today. I was doing the ideal parent protocol at first, listening to the recording with my therapist. Then after the recording finished I was sitting there and probing into my emotional state. I had a feeling in my gut I was trying to get closer to. The closer I got to it the more I felt like making noises. Deep, guttural noises. Growling, really. I followed this instinct and it took me to wild places man. At first it was growling. Then gradually more noise, eventually some screaming. Even head bobbing side to side screaming. I sobbed really loudly as well at times. I would get really strong convulsions which merged into half-puking. Somehow I intuitively had the feeling I needed to pull something out of my stomach. So I imagined a string going out of my mouth. I started pulling it and I shit you not I started to convulse harder than before, making loud as fuck vomiting noises. I could really feel that I was pulling out bad energy out of my stomach. I envisioned the string being full of black goo which I got out of my system. At some point after this I suddenly started hearing, really loudly and clearly, the shamen from my Ayahuasca trip singing. I saw them in my visual field, heard them singing. Next to them was my wolf. He was clad in ceremonial gear and was sitting there being all wolfy. The way they looked at me I can not convey in words. It was a blend of godly paternal love, acceptance, understanding, faith and absolute knowledge of truth now, in the past and in the future. With their eyes I feel like I got the message - "you know what you need to do. Now go do it" As in that they know that I have tough times ahead, tough transformations, but they know I will make it. Because they both know the future and they know me as a being to 100%. I'm still awe struck with this experience and I am filled with a strong and warm love. I feel like I have accessed something. Something has unlocked. It feels like it is related to the notion of having the ideal parents fully developed. What's crazy is that I see a connection between the ideal parents, mother aya and god. I believe they all serve the same purpose. I believe this warmth is what religious people feel who claim they have seen jesus or mohammed or whatever it is. It's a self-induced hypnotical state acting as a vehicle for connecting us to the higher purpose, the higher spirits and beings. I think I am getting close to cracking the code, of breaking my Fearful Attachment disorder and becoming secure and loving of myself and the world. It's so tragic that the FA has a negative self-view AND a negative view of the world. "I will be abandoned, betrayed, hurt". "I am not worthy". These core wounds together are such a KO to living a fulfilled life. I AM doing god's work here. However I don't believe in a god from any religious scripture. I believe in there being a deeper awareness which we can call god within us. Ayahuasca brings it up. Primal therapy brings it up. Enlightenment practice I guess brings it up. I can totally see that this experience, if extended and deepened, would take me to wild blissful places.

@flowboy how do you even find the energy to bother explaining this to this type of guys?

On point 2, I would also consider doing a low dose of acid together in a beautiful setting. It can help you to see the beauty of each other again and will make it easier to be truthful as well as to communicate with loving intentions. Also, I find it beautiful that you are not giving up. That passion will be worth a lot, it seems to me. Let it show!

@StarStruck I don’t agree. The way the music and atmosphere made me feel was even better than mdma. And I could speak clearly and my face wasn’t all twisted up. Well, not what I noticed myself at least ?

@flowboy yes for sure there are places to find peace. Not fully silent but for instance there’s a small lake where typically people on acid tend to hang out at times. overall the vibe at fusion is so welcoming however that it feels really safe anywhere as long as the music doesn’t fuck you sideways somehow. you can literally walk up to strangers and say “hi, I’m a little overwhelmed on acid right now, can we hang out a moment?” And they’d with high probability do their best to take care of you within the bounds of reasonability for a while. next time I’m going there I will only do acid and alcohol (separate days). The environment at night is such a gratuitous display of Alice in Wonderland shit that it feels like it’s meant for acid. The atmosphere with the lights, totems, people dressed up and stage/prop design really makes it feel like you’re in a different, much more interesting world. the acid also put me in a sort of god-mode perspective where I was witnessing all of the beauty and could just share it with no ego. It was the only drug I felt that accompanied my connection and also enhanced my connecting ability. highly recommended.

Take it sober and take 1/5 of what you would in an alone setting. It gets quickly overwhelming in ways hard to anticipate even when you’ve done it multiple times. I took it at fusion last week. Overall glad I did but got overwhelming at times and I took half of the normal dose.