Stelka

Hi everyone, It's been three years I left my ex-boyfriend but I'm still thinking of him. I left him because for many reasons we couldn't be together. I liked him as a person but he was becoming violent when angry and was a very negative person, always complaining about other people without seeing his own faults and manipulating me (he was very intelligent and it took me some time to realise it). I think we deeply loved each other (first love for both of us at 17) but I though that time will make me forget him. And still, I am going from time to time to check his facebook, when I see pictures with his new girlfriend I feel sad... The worst is I am with someone since 3 years now, and I feel bad to be still thinking about my ex. I miss my ex in some way, I miss his parents... I used to still meet his Mom twice a year and it is something I am trying to stop because it makes me sad not to be part of this family anymore. None of my friends understand why I am still thinking about him, for everybody it seems it should be old story, especially because I am very happy with my new boyfriend. How to let go? How can I stop this jealousy when I see him with his new girlfriend? I would love to get your thoughts on that.

@Leo Gura I am still friend with him on facebook, so everytime I see a picture connected to him, I check his profile and see all his new life. I know it's wrong but we've been 4 years together, I know he would take it personally if I would delete him, his sister, his mother... After the break up, I've deleted his profile, but the problem was still the same I was still regularly thinking about him. I've been reflecting on what has been said here those last few days and found some answers in my personal insecurity and lack of confidence. It's just weird that it is related to my ex. I should be more jealous of my current boyfriend, rather than of someone I don't want to be with. @Will It's funny that you mentioned re-framing. I've been trying now a new technique, which is every time I think about my ex, I try not to let my thoughts go into some negative memories. Instead, I repeat to myself "This person was part of my life before but not anymore and I am moving on. I am now creating a great life for myself and wish the same happiness to my ex, his girlfriend and family". I must admit it works in some way because it shifts my focus to something else, something more positive.

@phizzuela I really believe that it is something internal too. Those are some good questions to start with, thanks @Pyrrhocorax graculus Yes I definitely need to focus on my present relationship, that's why it's so important to me to get rid of those negative things from the past.

@Pola It seems to be a very long process. But there must be a way to reach this state of mind where thinking about the ex is not painful anymore. I cannot imagine to wait until "the right person" makes me forget my ex. It could take years or even never happen.... Besides, I am already happy with my new boyfriend and the fact that some bad thought about my ex are regularly coming makes me question my new relationship whereas I'm sure the problem is somewhere else. As @phizzuela suggests, acceptance could be a solution. But then it gets complicated. Accept what? the fact that it's not somebody for me, the fact that it's normal that he is with someone else...? What bothers me is how can I still think about someone I don't want to be with.

@Sarper I really hope it won't take me 6 years to solve this issue^^ @Free Spirit I must say things are far from boring in my personal life as well as in my couple I moved in with my boyfriend 3 months ago, I have many plans to start my own business and I am doing some dancing classes twice a week. I've travelled a lot and it has distracted me from this but never on a long term. But your remark is interesting because I actually noticed that I start thinking about my ex in specific situations. For example, when I have a fight with my current boyfriend, when I see a picture of him or somebody related to him, when I feel down or when I feel alone.

Since there is this "something" holding me back from moving on, I could imagine meeting my ex would help me to figure it out. But it could also cause some damage as it is a pretty negative and overly sensitive person. Actually, he tried to win me back for over one year after the break up and I refused to meet him because I was afraid he would manipulate me into getting back with him. But of course, trying to discover what the problem is on my own is also a solution, that's why I am also asking for opinions here...

Thanks for your comments. I feel like something is holding me back to the past although I absolutely never want to get back with my ex. I've started meditating a few months ago, it has helped me a lot to control my emotions. I am not thinking about my ex on a daily basis like before, but I am worried because everytime I catch myself thinking about him, seeing a photo, it brings some negative stuff out (jealousy, sadness...). I am very happy with my current boyfriend, he is the complete opposite of my ex, we share the same values, have the same mentality. We have a very balanced relationship. I actually left my ex to be with this guy. I was thinking it could be an Ego or lack of confidence thing, that I still need my ex's attention. Maybe I should meet my ex, have an open conversation? @phizzuela I will try to research more on consciousness, there are probably some unconscious issues that I haven't dealt with or that I still don't understand myself...