Exystem

@Breakingthewall lsd + dxm, I didn't feel much anymore and decided to smoke a joint. It suddenly kicked back in exponentially. Beeing happy to feel human again I contemplated a lot about that experience. I realized that the conclusion of beeing the victim of my eternal presence was not really instantly completely present but built up from one thought to another. It changed within time. I slowly realized in which misery I'm in, dramatized it and so on. The whole experience felt like an expanding infnitude of meaninglessness, but it also stopped at one point (when I came back to my physical form again). In retrospect I guess I still perceived through the lense of the ego. Maybe it was something like a bardo-state in buddhism, between life and death. My ego came to the threshold of death and infinitesimally approached it, but didn't actually reach it. So after that I said to myself: Let's find out next time! Seek the bottom. You scratched the surface of death, which may be terrifying. But rather break through it! For you, in your present sober state that is almost too big to integrate I guess. You can only integrate from a bigger "safe" place. Search that safe place. Try to realize the all-containing everpresent unlimited infinite Self. Therefore don't lose yourself in thoughts about what happened and how to interpret it etc. Just become aware of it all without claiming personhood for it. By that, you will automatically realize how your limited ego constructs a story around an imaginary memory which is completely dependent upon a space and time not beeing here and now. Next time experiencing the void again, try to become conscious of the mechanisms with which the ego tries to deny or get away from the experience, and why it does so. See through the process as a failed attempt to hold onto something seemingly solid/constant. That may vaporize the ego. The process within time and space which ripens the human fruit until harvest, this process is actually like a circular movement between more or less illusion. My desperate search for enlightenment is a complete joke, since that is what keeps the wheel spinning. Searching for more creates more to search for. Enlightenment as a state of consciousness is nice, but also could become boring over time maybe. One day you'll ask yourself again: How would it be to not realize myself? How would it feel to believe to be limited? What would it be like to experience something like "others"? You know, it's easy for god to be what it is. But what a task of infinite intelligence is required to delude yourself beyond recognition? So then you prepare your next ultimate trip as a realized self and jump deep down to dive into delusional duality just to slowly automatically rise back to unity again. You will always end laughing about the stunning dumbness veiling the infinite intelligence behind it, that's for sure. Yeah, that's a good idea. Let it settle for a while. Also don't believe the stuff I tell you, there's a lot of personal interpretation and so on. Im seeking for more truth, too. I need to make sense of my expierences also. Maybe it's different for you. You are the only one beeing capable to understand your experience. Keep on searching for the truth in it. I wish you the best!

@gswva To be meticolous, actually there is no state of Oneness - because there is no other state than that, so it can't be a state. You are always "in the state of" oneness so to speak. Your avatar is just the manifestation of the veiling process. By realizing this, the game of hide and seek ends in the most funny way imaginable - it's unbelievable funny to realize that the problemsolver is the only problem that the problemsolver could ever have. But that never was a problem, it is just gods favorite theaterplay right now. So you can still watch the hide and seek games in relative, dualistic realms. As god does trough you and everyone else right now. In a way, infinite perspeciveless dreams are also one perspective - since there are highly limited perspectival dreams, too. The abolute-everything-including infinite perspectiveless dream (including perspectival dreams too) is happening right now in gods mind, and is expressed through you in one particular way amongst infinite ones. So yes, in a way it does if you define "infinite perspectiveless dreams" as encompassing absolutely everything. But the complete alignement is not a process, so it's not leading to this within time. The alignement is more like a property of existence. But your avatar can only realize this within time, if it comes from a deluded position. So perspectives are a part of the abolute-everything-including infinite perspectiveless dream. These perspectives are just "not real" in a way that they only exist relative to something else, other perspectives. They will have a beginning and an ending, not only within time but within the realm of gods mind (all dimensions). The realization of the relativity of absolutely all perspectives is by definition the overall-inclusive perspective (god, void or whatever), which is the only "real" perspective, it has no perspective next to it, it just is. There are no other perspectives possible, if it could be called a perspective at all. Perspective implies other perspectives. But there is actually only one true perspective - yours/gods. You probably just mistake yourself for a perspective/dream within THE perspective (which actually is none). Your human avatar is not of course. The first conscious entity to ever appear shall appear where? Every appearance happens within your true Self, god. God is what it is, "I am that I am". It doesn't renew since time is just a dimension in which its mirror images/echoes/shadows are projected down. God created time. It is the main ingredient for a limited perspective. If you want to explain to a flatlander (2dimensional creature) what a cube is, the best way is to project its shadow onto the 2d-world and rotate it so the flatlander can watch it from all the different 2d-perspectives. Rotating/shifting requires time, so there is the following law: Whatever higher dimension there is, its fullness can be experienced by the one underneath only through time. God is all dimensions, so a limited beeing/entity any dimension underneath can experience god only within time. With time, we have continuous renewal. But there is no "first conscious entity", since everything is here and now, nothing beside that. Gods infninite dimensions are here and now and always have been, they are not renewing/changing whatever. Time is just a perspective, it is a paricular arrangement of consciousness that has access to a (limited) set of dimensions trying to understand god. Where time appears, gods shadows constantly change. Your perception of a linear time is an illusion, fed by your imaginary memory. There are only infinite nows from gods pov. From each one of these nows, gods shadow is imagined to be different in an eyeblink. The first conscious entity to ever appear is as much you right now as it was or will be you in a billion years. God is timeless, it created time. Imagines it right now as "you". All perspectives are imagined instantly because there is no time needed, since god is all dimensions and therefore all perspectives already, there is no dimension outside of god making it possible to change. There are only dimensions within god making it possible to be (manifest). And each of the manifestations needs time to represent the infnitude of god.

Ok then it was slightly different than my experience. The interesting question is: What was that (I), which didn't like to be the void?

Thanks for the nice feedback @Breakingthewall You know it's not that I haven't experienced kind of the same, too. But since that I have realized my limited perspective at that time and have also explored other dimensions. Here I commented my terrifying experience of the void: The void can be fucking scary for a limited perspective. Your ego can't imagine death, it only knows its slow dissolution, which feels painful. Imagining its own death in the face of emptiness is like an infinite approximation to zero, which means infinite dissolution, suffering. You imagine how it would be like to infenitely regress and lose reality, which is terrifying for you. But the good new is, your ego is limited, finite. It can't regress/dissolve forever. So the idea of eternal suffering is just another bullshit imagination of an ego that can't even imagine its own death. In reality, you may experience immense terror, but suddenly it's over, when you're dead. The void is this wonderful death.

@Breakingthewall You are afraid of the void because there is something within you that constanly wants to go somewhere, explore something new, hoping of betternment. That is the evolutional life force within everyone of us. The densier, the smaller focused, the more egotistical it appears. So whatever big or small ego you're perceiving from, the void always "looks" terrifying, because it contains the realization that there is nowhere to go, no escape from here and now, no better no worse within this timeless eternity and in the end there cannot be explored anything new, since it is all just the same. This realization first seems to completely contradict this vital life force that drives everything into existence, because it represents the opposite of the evolutional life force, the ego's only job (finding the best way for the betterment of ones world). So "viewed" from the perspective of an ego, it literally looks terrifying like eternal death, forever locked in the same condition. But the ego can only try to understand the void from the outside, tries to comprehend it from a limited perspective with subjective preferances. But this is not the true void. Void is without ego, without perspective. Absence of all that stuff within time and space. Void is that which can't perceive anything out there because it is everything there is. From the ego's point of view the void is like a dark, black hole sucking the world in. From the void's point of view it is that which spits out the light of life into all directions. So maybe next time in order to really be the void instead of perceiving it from the egos perspective, you could focus your perception on that which judges the experience, that which perceives something as unpleasant. By shifting the focus from within the ego to outside of the ego, perceiving the ego, you may realize the totality of what you are. Then you will be eternal exploration itself, be everywhere you will go, be the self-optimizing life force yourself but still be more than any perspective could ever comprehend. Infinite intelligence and creativity. And that is just beautiful. Perfect. Godly. There will be no hole left to be filled. No need to be satisfied. Everything is in perfect peace and harmony, completely accepted and flowed through with love.

The question is - what is suffering when there is no opposite to it? Does it stay the same forever? Or is it rather defined by the fact that you are identifying with something that dissolves? You can only suffer the deconstruction of something which has been constructed before - like your body. This deconstruction equals suffering, so the construction must equal the opposite, joy. But what limited thing can dissolve/be deconstructed forever? Nothing. There must be construction/joy in the first place to experience deconstruction/suffering. Suffering is nothing but (the fear of) dissolution/deconstruction/destruction. Every pain is nothing but an alarm signal from your body which fears death. As an eternal beeing, there is no fear of death. As a limited beeing either you completely dissolve one day which is ending (you and) your suffering or you get used to the suffering as the new standard because you have no reference point for it, or you stop identifying with that which dissolves and realize yourself as that which can never dissolve. You can think of suffering as loss of energy(joy). There must be energy in the first place to experience its loss. Either it is limited, which implies that it will dissolve within a limited period of time, or it is unlimited and must therefore be constantly reproduced, which then would cause at least as much joy as suffering. But you know, energy can't be destroyed, only shifted from one place to another. So of course there are limited creatures experiencing hell, but not forever. They are gods relative reference point for the joy it actually consists of. Or to put it in other words: The facilitators of darkness Are the true providers To the world's light

Have you taken a nap maybe? Sleepwalking could be a possibility...

When Leo says everything is imaginary, your parents are imaginary etc. he may have confused you because he probably didn't stress with the same intensity that "you" are as unreal as your parents etc. He points out that every distinction within the field of awareness is artificial/imaginary, but both sides of the distinction "you" and "the world around you" are equally unreal. You could say I am real and the world around me is not real or you could say the world around me is real and i am not real. Points to the same truth. The structure/thing you're identified with, your limited bodymind, is just an artificial distinction which changes over time and sooner or later will completely dissolve into everything again. Just because existence experiences itself from this particular one of the infinite centers within itself right now, this doesn't imply there's not more than you are conscious of right now. "You" (your bodymind) are just a tool for the field of awareness to become conscious of its nature (or at least a part of it). But there are infinite tools simoultaniously for all of which they are the center of the field around them.

@Someone here I didn't read all the comments since there seems to be a lot of unnecessary bs, but I just let my insights flow since I have struggled and still struggle with this issue. Especially to explain it to others. First of all, there doesn't seem to be a mechanism to prove consciousness and I think there never will be. If consciousness is the underlying reality, like a field prior to electromagnetic/gravitational/spacetimefields, like the aether for existence, nothing inside it can capture the full beeingness of consciousness, since no object within the universe can capture the whole universe within it (let's put the holographic view aside for a while). Consciousness cannot be captured in a limited set of pictures, since it is the whole eternal film, and even the limited set of pictures would just be part of the film again. Secondly, everything which can be experienced can only be experienced here and now, and there can't be two "heres" or two "nows", since to distinguisch between those two they cannot appear as the same but must appear slightly different to be two heres/nows (otherwise it is the same and so it's one). But for the appearance of two heres/nows there needs to be one (meta-) here&now-perspective for which those two appear differently, the same way you can point to two different timestamps in your past or to two different locations in your field of view, but you can only do so from your present here&now. So even if you could be conscious of two different bodyminds at the same time, you would rather experience them like the two visual inputs from your eyes or like two monitors in front of you, they would still appear in one field of awareness. Everything is experienced in one field of awareness, no matter how few or many perspectives at once. Look, your body consists of billions of cells, lots of organs, two different visual and auditory inputs and you still experience yourself as one, even though your right and left brainhemisphere can act quite independently (see the study's done with split-brain-patients, very interesting stuff! Sometimes the patients left hemisphere doesn't know what the right is doing and vice versa. But they still experience themselves as one). So you can't get rid of the fundamental here&now-reality, no matter how much above everything you will rise and how much you encompass within your field of awareness. But here comes the point: Once you realize that your present state of consciousness can appear as more or less "conscious"/"aware", more or less encompassing, with more or less information within it (psychedlic is the most direct tool for this realization), you will realize that what you once considered "yourself" is a dynamic notion of an artificial boundary between "you" and the "world around you". The fundamental error is, the "you" which seems to be different from the world around you, doesn't actually exist. It is the artificial boundary itself more or less, which you are identified with. Whatever feeling of "I","myself" there is, it actually is just an information coming from the "world around you", since it appears in your field of awareness, but you are the field prior to the content (which is your definition of yourself, you draw the boundary between yourself and the world exactly at the line where there is "my field of awareness" and the objects/content within the field of awareness). The error is that the field of awareness itself just is, there's nothing you could tell about it without leaving the most important essence aside. The moment you try to define it, this discription/picture just becomes something within the field of awareness, it is not the field itself. The fundamental nature of it is so fundamental that every step "towards it" is already a step away from it, since it is here and now already and cannot be "more here and now", the full field of awareness cannot come "into" the field of awareness, it just is already. That's why you can only realize yourself, not become yourself etc. and every effort creates more mess actually. The only way the field of awareness can experience itself is via images that only exist as a part of the whole, called perspectives, artificial distinctions within itself. These parts of course consist of nothing than consciousness/awareness, they are artificial boundaries/distinctions within the field and every part of it experiences itself as a "here and now" center, since this is the nature of awareness, its "here&now"-beeingness. But on a metalevel these parts are just one perspective again. The feeling of "a center" can only arise through the belief in an inside and outside, which is the belief in an independent, given reality of this artificial boundary/distinction. Here comes Einsteins relativity into play. There is no fundamental center of the universe, every point in spacetime can be taken as the absolute from which everyhing else becomes relative. So you can create a "center" everywhere in the field of awareness, there is not only one center, but an infinite number if you will. With every new distinction you create a new relation between the splitted parts which creates a new perspective/new center. Actually, there's only one "center" (although this notion is already not exact because it implies the opposite of a center), which is the field of awareness itself. But within this one field of awareness every distinction creates new subsets of consciousness which divides them into at least two different, relative perspectives that experience themselves as the middle of their universe. It's like a magnet, if you split it into two, there will be two magnets with each a north and south pole. But together the are still the same old magnet with one north and one south pole. You could say a magnet is an accumulation of tiny different magnetic dipoles, but also it is one big magnet. So how can you know that the person in front of you experiences itself (as a conscious perspective)? Once you take psychedlics for example, you may experience an increase of consciousness, an elevation of your perspective, a unification of the contents within the field of awareness, the artificiality of boundaries and distinctions, an increase of information from the "world around you". These all are side-effects of the fact that your "self", your perspective, the boundary between you and the world changes so rapidly, that the notion of self can only survive by clinging to the most stable/solid/constant structures you're identified with (sometimes there's even nothing stable left to cling to which is called ego death). Since in everyday life you're not used to such rapid changes of "yourself", you experienced yourself as quite the same. Psychedelics can instantly clear this error by showing you how much of "yourself" really is just under constant change, only appearing within the constant here&now field of awareness claiming to be constant, but actually beeing completely independent of yourself the experiencer, just a dancing overtone of yourself (the everpresent reality) so to speak. So lots of the artificial boundaries collapse, and your field of awareness may encompass the whole universe within that moment, since there's no solid distinction between the inside center and the outside world anymore. What you may experience then is that your "normal" pespective, the view from within the bodymind onto the world outside, is ridiculous limited, dumb, pixelated and almost nothing compared to the infinite field of awareness. Once you experienced this infinite intelligence/love/consciounsess etc., it is inconceivably to believe that this limited bodymind is all there is. These filtered pixelated information about reality are just a tiny speck of awareness, not the field itself. The field itself consist of an infinitude of these tiny perspectives. By raising your consciousness you can encompass more and more of the world around you, beginning from your own mind and body to your room, familiy, tribe, city, nation, species, planet, galaxy, universe and so on. This raising of consciousness may take years or even lifetimes, or a psychedelic trip, but the moment you realize the artificiality of the border between yourself and the world around you, you realize there's nothing outside of awareness, and your limited perspective implies an artifificial distinction within the field of awareness which implies another limited perspective as well, since one distinction creates two sides at least. As long as you're not omniresent and omniscient, there's a distinction within the field of awareness which implies another conscious perspective, since there is already one limited one ("yours"). So given your limited human perspective, once you realize infinite intelligence, there's no logical problem with others beeing part of the same field of consciousness and experiencing themselves as "I", since there is no limit for limited perspectives, the field of consciousness can be devided infinitely within the infinite field of awareness. Yes, god is one, god is the ultimate solipsist, god is the field of awareness. But your limited bodymind is not god, "you" don't exist independend from the "world around you", "you" are just a artificial limited distinction within the field of awareness, and so is the world around you. It even becomes inconceivable for you once you realized this infinitude, that the tiny speck of existence you're identified with is the only thing consciousness could identify with. And actually it's not that you go through every perspective one by one in a linear time line. That's a very human notion. There is no linear time. Every part of consciousness is here and now, everything is happening simoultaniously. If god put pause on your little bodymind, you wouldn't even realize. Time passes for you the same. So for your perspective to realize a difference and to experience time, your bodymind and/or the world must change. This happens when the distinctions within the field of awareness shift. But these distinctions as well as the "shifting" of these distinctions (which is a distinction itself again) from the point of god/the unified infinite field of awareness are not changing in a linear time, they are just an here&now appearance within that field. They are part of the whole as well as overtones are part of every frequency. It's not that the change must be created, its an inherent part of the whole which has always been and always will be here and now, better to say which just IS here and now. It's difficult to understand since we are humans, experiencing "time". But change within this dimension doesn't actually imply change within the next higher dimension. From a 4th dimension one could see your whole life as one giant structure. Of course, if this 4th dimension perspective was limited it needs time and space to look at this structure from all different angles. But from an infinite dimensional "perspective" which is unlimited, there is no time passing, since there's no time dimension above it to change anything, since these infnite dimensions encompass everything within it. So for god everything just is here and now, and every subset of god (every artificial distinction within the infinite field of awareness) has the same property, it experiences everything here and now, as an infinite magnet still stays a magnet even infinitely devided. But it should be clear now that every limited perspective implies another one and from god's point of view there's nothing wrong with the appearance of "two selves"/perspectives within the one and only Self.

These are some supplements that are natural and good for your general health, will replace lots of the single-vitamins/minerals and have a high bioavailability. Also good against parasites which strain your digestive system a lot and much more difficult to overdose than e.g. vitamin d etc. Be careful to buy only bio-products, you don't want pesticides in your body. Spirulina + Chlorella tablets Goji berries Turmeric + Piperine capsules Hemp seeds (best unpeeled and unroasted) Omega-3 is good, as well as vitamin d, but the latter you should combine with vitamin k2 and best in combination with mct-oil (it's available as one mixture) due to bioavailability and a multi-effective use within the body. Also be careful with the calcium, don't take it too often. Very important for a vegetarian lifestyle is iron and vitamin b12. Iron has its highest bioavailability together with vitamin c, so you could take iron tablets and combine it with some Acerola powder (as a fresh and healthy drink mixed with water).

I have the very same problem myself But I kind of worked out some things that improved this issue. I can just say that you should not try to change everything at once, force yourself to take baby-steps, but do never go back after you took a step. So for example start with cold-showering in the morning and a 5 min meditation afterwards in which you appreciate yourself for doing it, be grateful for the possibility to change the direction of your life and realize that you are capable to step outside your comfort zone. Do this at least one month straight without one single time skipping it, after one month it will become a routine and consume almost no willpower anymore. You need to find out at which speed of implementing new habits works, but do not overstrain yourself! So one month each habit is a good pace. Then you have to raise your energy levels in general. Sleep enough (&eat) regularely, get a healthy diet (!) and try to avoid sugar as much as you can, do some workout or at least some stretching in the morning (morning stretching is a very good routine to feel comfortable during the day and become more active). You must realize that your mind has established lots of mechanisms to avoid work. Some of these are counter-intuitive, for example the belief "tomorrow I will completely change my life and work hard". It's just your mind procastinating again. The only time to change anything is NOW, so don't push the discomfort into the future. Also, plan your next day! At the end of each day you should take notices about the things you want to achieve tommorow. Use visualization techniques just before sleeping about how you manage to do these things the next day, how you feel about it, how it perfectly works out and how your vision is already fullfilled. This is very powerful! During the night your mind implements these cognitive routes into your memory which makes the recall easier, it's learning while sleeping, an easier approach is almost impossible. At the end of each day, you should do a little meditation and be grateful for yourself, recall your achievements and embrace the feeling of beeing productive, even if you did not achieve everything you wanted to, just focus on the stuff you did achieve. Write down your implemented habits, achievements etc. Celebrate them! And, also important: Instead of watching movies, using your phone (by the way put it out of your sight or turn it off as much as you can!) or jerking off etc. Just do nothing! Lay/sit down and do nothing! If you feel lazy, energy deprived, ineffective, don't do instantly rewarding actions! This is poison for the mind. Rather than distracting yourself, go deep into yourself and embrace doing nothing to its full extent! You don't need to be 24/7 productive, but if you can't force yourself getting shit done, don't reward yourself for that with low-consciousness activities. Instead of this, give your bodymind the rest it needs, completely relax and restore your energies. Here's a meditation guide from Leo that helps me doing nothing when I struggle with ineffective times:

I would recommend you to investigate into your own nature. Find out who you are, that's the only thing you may know for sure, since everything else could be an illusion. The one real thing you know for sure is that "you" exist. Find out what this "you" is that exists. What you will find is only appearences "outside of you", words, feelings, images, perceptions and so on. Once you deeply investigate in yourself who you really are, only focused on the self, not believing the false assumption that you are something "outside of you" which needs your attention right now, only regressing back into your true nature without involving yourself with the mind, circuling around your center in smaller and smaller circles until you finally realize that "you" have always been here and always will be here, that "YOU" ARE here as one eternally, when you realize this, then reality revealed itself to itself. You can surrender the belief in a seperate existence of yourself and realize god as everything, transcendent and immanent. This singularity of the self in form of a calibration with its mirror/echo, the clarity of the self so to speak, this increasing clarity can be experienced as a neverending process in human life. The closer the seeking mind circulates around the "god/I"-center, the more the seeker understands god/itself, the more it infinitisemally approximates the god-axes (but never touches it), the more your bodymind will reflect and manifest gods true nature. The shining light within you enlightens the world, and your unconditional love flourishes the beauty of diversity, which is creation. So this is the process which everyone undergoes (you can't sleep/dream forever, one wakes up sooner or later). But this waking up process within time is not a linear approximation, for the bodymind it may appear very chaotic (as the movements of a planet from viewpoint of the earth looks at first glance (moving forward and suddenly backward and so on)). But as with every process in life, it can be done fast or slow, direct or indirect, efficient or inefficent. The realignment to the source, the synchronisation of the bodymind with the cosmos, the surrender of the self into god as a process within spacetime can never be completed from the viewpoint of the egomind but can be more or less efficiently pursued, closer or less close approximated. So from your real Self, gods point of view, nothing has to be done. Everything just is (done). In your mind, you think you have to do something constructive, you need drive, you want to create something etc. And yeah, that's fine. That's also a little part of god. So let your bodymind do what your bodymind is convinced it needs to do. But do it efficiently! Why? 1. You want to know soon whether you're on the right or wrong path, so do it quick, then you can return soon too, if necessary. 2. When you know it's the right direction, you want to progress fast to get as much yield as possible. 3. The shortest way is the way nature takes, and it paid off as one can see. So don't hang around in your suffering, makes no sense. So if you understand that the only meaningfull thing your restless bodymind can do is trying to reunite with the source/mirror the light most efficiently, which is an intrinsically rewarding process due to its Self-referential/Self-affirming nature, you can see where you should go in life. There are manifestations of this merging process, and you can try to "manifest god" in all your actions as much as you can. What are the most essential qualities of god? Love, diversity, simplicity, beauty, creativity, intelligence and so on. Your life purpose is to be an embodiment of the highest truth (god). So take the most direct way possible. It all depends on you, on the prerequisites, the structure of your bodymind and your beliefsystems/memory and so. In my eyes, one of the most direct ways I found to realize the truth and to calibrate myself with it is the path of direct self-inquiry. Who am I? Since the Self is the only thing completely nondual in your awareness, the only absolute real thing, undenyable, everpresent, here and now. But whatever limited notion/image/explanation/feeling appears and claims to be "you", is just another appearence within you. Go deeper and deeper, there is no bottomline as long as anything appears before you. This process of "coming closer to the center/origin of one-Self" will let you penetrate to the deepest layers of consciousness, archaic types of collective consciousness, will reveal mechanisms of the creation of the universe, will enable inconceivable possibilities. Which doesn't mean that you can easily transfer these experiences via memory back to your limited bodymind, but it is a satisfying activity of its own kind. So if you don't know what to do with your life I guess you haven't really penetrated deep enough into the mysteries of existence. "There's nothing to do" is just a message for the egomind to stop its seeking (like the earths momentum perpendicular to the sun) in order to naturally gravitate towards the Self (the sun), which is the fastest way of reunion. So that's one way to explain the most efficient way to get clairity, to get synchronized. But can also be the perfect dogma for the ego to justify its resistance towards the natural process. Instead of slowing down the egos momentum (which is naturally done -> deconstruction, death), the ego slows down the process of slowing down the egos momentum (identification, survival agendas). Ramana Maharshi regretted to have told his disciples there's nothing to do, because it can so easily be misunderstood. As long as you are seeking anything, you are not at your final destination. Seek the seeker! Couldn't the seeker itself be the illusion? Who are you? The more you realize what YOU are, the more you will become what YOU are, the more you are what YOU are, and that is all there is, an infinitude of beauty. Don't you want to experience beauty? Create beauty? Be beauty?

@deso I'm also 22 years old, and I can feel your suffering. Self-hate or the absence of self-acceptance is the main reason for people to fuck up their lifes. The problem is that life viewed through the lense of self-hate looks way worse than it actually is. We are so young, if we use the right methods we can still enjoy most of our life. One of the most powerful methods I know to gain self-love apart from meditation-techniques etc. is to step outside your comfort zone, facing your fears and act completely opposite to what your mind wants you to do. Of course you have it quite hard because of the anxiety disorder, but don't compare yourself with others. The relative progress is the measure, and it will manifest noticably after some time. The “ya not worthy of living a good life”-thoughts often stem from the deep feeling that you don't exert yourself enough. So when you establish little habits like cold showers, workouts, starting a healthy diet,do some meditation in your life, you will build up a strong will (which can be trained similarly to a muscle), which will raise your self-esteem. Usually people identify mostly with their will and therefore with their accomplishments. So after one year, if you can look back to your life and see how you became stronger, more targeted and healthier, you can be much more optimistic towards your future and much more accepting of your past and your self/ your efforts. Realize that it is hard work to establish these habits, and do never try to built them up all at once, but rather step by step. Don't be to harsh at yourself, give yourself time. At least take a month for each little habit, after you start the next one (like first month establish cold showers, second month establish 10min stretching at the morning, 3rd month 10 mins jogging on top of it, 4th month do without sugar-drinks and so on, maintain these habits every day since establishing -> that's already a lot!!! maybe take smaller steps, everyone has a different pace, find out which speed works best for you). You will see how much accumulates within a year or two. Apart from these habits which make you become aware of your self-efficacy you can do self-love meditations, breathing consciously etc... ...And which is also more than powerful: Spread love!! To gain love, the most powerful method is to spread it! If you see yourself making people around you happy, nothing can make you more satisfied! Start with the forum, appreciate peoples comments, tell them nice things. Then step outside your comfort zone and face your fears, give people around you compliments, tell your friends/family why and how much you appreciate them, try to be grateful for the things you have but you got so used to that you didn't recognize them. When you become a love-spreader, you will realize how much worth your life is, that you can influence so many lives in a positive way, even though you may have made a lot of mistakes in the past. So if you stick to this, which is some effort but makeable if you plan it right, if you don't take on too much, you will become slowly a person which can be really satisfied with your self. You will see your positive impact on others and yourself, you will receive gratifiying feedback after some time and you will become healthier physically and mentally. Right now you may struggle to belief that you can make it. So just start with one thing, like cold showers. Every day meditate for 5 mins afterwards and be happy about yourself that you did it. You need a mindset of self-efficacy, realizing that you can change yourself, that you can change life in apositive way. Maybe add some visualization techniques on top of that. View yourself some years ahead, when you established these habits already succesfully in your life. View yourself as if you already accomplished your goals. Feel the gratitude, the satisfaction, the self-esteem of the person you want to become. But always stick to your plans! That's why you need to take step by step and take time for it, if you started cold-showering, you must continue no matter what (exept health problems of course)! Also, plan really well! write down the habits and accomplishments that make you proud of yourself. Become aware of the progress you made! You may already have some things to be proud of, embrace them! You need to build up your self-esteem and self-efficacy to become more and more satisfied with yourself. This grows your self-love which will change the past in retrospect. Once you arrive at a point where you are much more content with yourself, you will look back to the so called "wasted years" and see that it all was a necessary part of your journey. You will see that nothing was wasted, it was only your self-hating mind that twisted your perception of your past. These years were necessary to grow the discontent within yourself to make you step outside your comfort zone, to strive towards the higher truth, to explore nonduality and so on. It was a kick in the butt to wake you up. If you were happy all the time you'd never searched for more, so thanks to your suffering you turned back in order to return to god, not running blindly into samsara. So many people in this world drag other people down, trying to look better. Like holes trying to suck in every love they can. You can be different! Even though you may struggle with self-love, there are probably people you apreciate a lot, and maybe the saleswoman smiles at you and makes your day better. Tell them how you feel about them in their presence. It may be difficult in the beginning, but every little step is fine. Start with your family. Try to feel gratitude. Tell them about it. Everyone can do it, but most don't. If you do it, you will be much more self-loving. You will see what a wonderful, perfect vehicle you can be for spreading love, for making people happy! You will love yourself because you can watch yourself becoming more and more loving towards others, and this is why we all are here. When you fullfill this purpose, self-love will drown you in extasy.

You are reality, that's why reality appears full of paradoxes. The moment you try to understand reality, you are like a person looking for the back of your head. A finger can't touch itself, an eye can't see itself, logic can't explain itself. The moment your limited temporal self gets the information about what it is, this information transforms the limited self by adding knowledge to it so the very same moment it becomes just an old picture of your actual self. Ask the question whether there is something that contains itself completely, and if so, how could there be made a distinction between the container and the contained? You are a fractal, a recursive process. Like Mandelbrot: z[n + 1] = z[n]^2 + c Let's start with c = 1 and z[n] = 0 after one iteration of the formula you get z[n + 1] = 0^2 + 1 = 1 second iteration z[n + 1] = 1^2 + 1 = 2 third iteration z[n + 1] = 2^2 + 1 = 5 4th iteration z[n + 1] = 5^2 + 1 = 26 .... (-> infinity) See, the moment z[n + 1] is calculated, manifested as a tangible number, it doesn't fully represent the true nature of z[n + 1] anymore, which is infinite. The moment you believe you understood reality, you only saw an image/a perspective of it, but the eternal movie goes on. That's why we say the finite mind will never fully understand reality, and why beeing is prior to knowledge. The truth is, you are nondual, both sides of the equation. The left side z[n + 1] is beeing (absolute, always the same), the right side z[n]^2 + c is the process (everchanging) of understanding/experiencing yourself as a limited form (number), which can go on infinitely and still not know itself completely. Beeing busy with calculating/understanding reality (z[n]^2 + c), you typically oversee your own eternal beeing (z[n + 1]) completely. Same principle within quantum physics: You are no seperate observer, the moment you measure, you change the outcome. The only absolute truth you'll ever find is about your own existence, but it is so obvious that your mind (which is programmed to go on calculating) will never recognize it as what it is. It searches for tangible numbers it can contain, not for something infinite it could never contain. Seek the truth beyond/before/without the mind, then the formula reveals itself in its full beeingness. Truth is what there is (it is you), so just be, realize you can't understand the truth completely because you are the truth. The moment a process like understanding happens, it represents the finite side of the equation which will never be able to contain infinite truth. A good picture is the snake that bites its own tail. It is constantly eating its back and by doing so it is growing its front. Can go forever like this (eating=forgetting, growing=understanding). But IT IS! No matter how much it eats/grows, it will always be (the same). The paradoxes disappear/resolve at the level of beeing, no question (a process) is rising, so no answer is needed. Everything just is what it is, eternallly, absolute, the same forever. For the mind, trying to contain/understand itself, the game of paradoxes, the tailchasing just begun.

Definitely Socrates!

When you try to remember as many insights as possible from your recent awakening Grasping infinity like... When you realize the one trying to find itself did never exist in the first place Summary of the spiritual pathway

Consciousness is more like a field than a wave I would say. This field can appear like a blank piece of paper or like a stormy ocean. Waves within the field are all the appearances, the shapes and forms. When observed, the wavefunction collapses into a finite solid state (objects). Every point within the field is a unique observation-function (all the finite egos that have a limited perception radius due to the fact that they are mostly locally affected by their surrounding waves). But it's just an analogy, so it just points to its nature, it's just a model.

@AlwaysBeNice god/nothingness/existential consciousness, all just words, I use them interchangeably. Don't want to get stuck there. Creation/happening/appearance, same. All limited notions, this and not that. I don't assume god to be personal per se, or impersonal. Never claimed this. I don't feel lonely right now. Everything's fine. Just try to integrate my experience. Of course they are not true in the absolute sense, since they are limited, within truth, within consciousness. You don't realize your own belief system. You have theories like "It came out of nothingness, as an existential happening" , "Oneness organizes things through love intelligence and law of attraction, but it didn't make these things". It's the same. Just words and thoughts, not absolute truth. The moment you speak against me, you take a postition. You can't free yourself from it, using dualistic lanuage. Claiming: "All one can say is delusional" is itself something said. "Everything is relative" is an absolute statement. Thinking "every thought is wrong" is athought. I did never say god created itself because of loneliness. This doesn't make any sense obviously. But claiming there is no intention behind the relative world is not better or worse than claiming there is an intention per se. Duality, word games. Whatever is true and not these word games can't and doesn't need to be spoken or explained or corrected. I experienced infinite loneliness, in that sense it's real to me. It has its place WITHIN consciousness, I can't deny it from my very experience. As long as you didn't experience it, you can deny it if you want. Whether it happened out of love, by chance, because of loneliness or whatever, just words, just perspectives. It is. But why is there something like torture? Your "existential happening"-explanations are as pointless as saying its because god is infenitely lonely. You could say by definition, in the beginning there was something like an "existential happening", I dont refer to this because it explains nothing, and thats not what I intend when using language. Not saying anything makes more sense than saying something obsolete. If this is what you realize for yourself, fine. I don't even need to realize it, it can't even be doubted that we must take the first miracle for granted, no matter if we call it existential happening, nothingness, god or big band or whatever. So I dont refer to this. Absolute truth is true for everyone everytime everywhere, so no need to talk about it. We must go one step further to speak meaningful words about what comes next. So why does torture exist? Different perspectives, one of which I experienced and refer to as infinite loneliness. If that is too much for you already, just stay "existentially happened".

@AlwaysBeNice Of course, it comes and goes, and consciousness stays the same. But it's always reappearing, there's no end to it. I don't understand why some people kind of deny the suffering experienced by consciousness (I don't say youre doing!). Ok, may just be an illusion, just the resistance or whatever. But if it's not real, why don't I see any enlightened guy going to syria or offering himself instead of some guys at guantanamo or whatever. Even Jesus suffered at the cross! If pain is just an illusion and you can see through it, why do these people who claim to have achieved this, why are they're sitting calmly in their nice little armchairs instead of proving their fantasies by truly loving, sacrificing their nonexisting biochemical mashines in order to alleviate the suffering of those who still believe in the illusion? Of course it's all pointless you can say, it doesnt matter what they do, but they are speaking about love but they could love soooo much more!! the highest form of love means sacrifice for no selfish reason, not sitting in bliss telling others how stupid they are believing their life is real. Who knows? come on, you're also just repeating what others told you. That cannot be verified by "you". I don't wanna offend you or anything like that. Thanks for your contribution! This is not all meant to you, I just use your quotes to let my doubts flow. But I'm sick of anyone speaking in language relativizing others discriptions. Of course in the end it all just is for whatever reason. But the moment we verbalize it it becomes only a part of truth (at most). Accept that this was my experience, it appeared to be real to me, this is my interpretation of it. You may have never ever experienced something like that, so you can't put your experience above mine. You don't know who is more conscious. Maybe it's not just beautiful and bliss and love or whatever. Maybe that's just half of the story. Maybe your ego doesnt like it, maybe thats why you never faced it. There are so many pseudo-enlightened guys out there claiming to know everything. But most of them did not experience torture, suicidal desperation, complete dumbness, insanity or whatever. They're experiencing bliss and peace, maybe they went through some relatively tough times, but in the end they have a healthy body and are not willing to change their superior position with anyone, that's how truly loving most of them are. You know I don't trip for bliss states anymore. I trip with the intention to experience the truth, including the other side of the spectrum if necessary, too. Truth doesn't need to be blissfull in my eyes, maybe it is, maybe not. I keep searching for it as long as I'm a human. I don't claim not to be deluded, to know anything finally/absolutely, ALTHOUGH I have had breakthroughs on DMT and other stuff, "becoming" infinite, experiencing "nothing/the void", bursting out in love and whatever. It's all states of consciousness and back to my human form now I'm obviously not omniscient, and it can be distorted, twisted memories about it all. As long as there is a human living organism, it can by definition not contain everything, for it is just an infenitely small part and has its limitations by definition. If you believe something else, verify it and jump to the moon or whatever. Why did god create anything limited at all? Why did god create the illusion of suffering? If It's all perfect and complete from the beginning tell me why to change anything? Maybe in the end it absolutely makes no difference, but then you have to accept that all the torture and suffering is just an eternal part of the game. That there is the experience of infinite oneness and infinite loneliness and everything else. Of course there may be an even more existential onness behind those two compements, but that's not anything to talk about. The moment you open your mouth you can only talk relatively. If you want to talk about it, come to the level of experience, everything else makes no sense. When there's something behind/beyond experience every attempt to put it into words is a false game. It may be that the most conscious ones realize the deepest truth beyond all perception beyond all concepts beyond everything communicable and it is completely free from everything but why don't I see anyone of them beeing truly loving like Jesus? They still play the spiritual guru adored by their sheep, buy big mansions, fuck their girls and play their word games. If someone really got an infinitude of truth and peace, (s)he could share it by acting out of it, out of true love, not only talking about it. I wanna be truly loving, and it may mean that I go through torture, may mean that I feel absolutely lonely for a huge amount of time, may mean everything my ego doesn't like. It comes and it goes, the background of eternal consciousness stays the same. From one side it may be loneliness that made every seperation appear, from the other side it may be love that created the diversity. From one side god is running away from itself, from the other side god is running towards himself. God is always here and now. But every partial description aside from that may just be half of the story. So love may be an equal explanation as existential loneliness. Doesn't fit the ego which wants a positive end result, but may be the truth. So of course my experience and interpretation is not the absolute truth. But I don't want to avoid salvia or bad experiences just because they may horrify me. Suffering grows you. I could also just take the stuff that fills me with infinite love and bliss. But I think I will have to pay the price for it one day. Jeffrey Martin did some academic research on enlightenment (persistent non-symbolic experiences). He found out that people at various stages believed their nondual state of consciousness is eternal, could never regress. He proved that lots of them are quite deluded in many ways. When some of them fell back into a "normal human" state of consciousness, they often had deep crisis. Almost Everyone was really convinced they're at the end of the latter. Only when shifting between locations they realized there's more to it. Some locations are full of love, others are completely free of any feeling, just infinite freedom where nothing matters at all. They all claim to know the truth. As humans, we can only communicate states/experiences, not the absolute truth. What's absolute true is true for everyone, what can be known can be unknown, what can be gained can be lost. So nice if someone realizes himself. But as you use this termenology of realizing, you give rise to the fact that there is "unrealizing", too. If you can become enlightened, you can become unenlightened too. Everything is one already, including the tortured person that suffers and wants to end its life, feeling absolutetely lost and lonely, including the blissfull guru, buying its next mansion. Who's right? Its a game. A snake biting its own tail. The ego doesn't like that it may be a wheel turning over and over again. That after mahasamadhi it will be just reborn in suffering as it was already born there in the first place. The true relief may be to end the search for "more", for "better", and just to accept that everything is as it is, including the inescapable fact that you will always return to suffering one time, to feeling absolutely lonely, to experience times where you want to end your own existence. That's the role play consciousness is playing since eternity. Why else have you started here as a suffering human in the first place? You already exist for eternity, you would have won the game already when it could be won. And yeah I know, "You are not the human" blablabla.. But you experience it!! You experience or at least experienced seperatedness and suffering, although you are eternal. Guess why.

It wasn't salvia, but I experienced kind of the same. I was tripping with a friend who had a quite materialistic worldview. The trip was nice, but not so intense. Then we smoked some weed at the end when it was almost over. Suddenly It kicked back in and I became so much more conscious. I saw through the physiological reaction and face expressions that my friend would have the same experience. Then Infinity rolled over me and I was watching myself speaking to my friend, trying to convince him that this is really deep shit now and we are one and how wonderful it all is, that this shift of consciousness we simoultaniously experience can't be explained from a materialistic perspective until I finally realized what a fucking joke it was, that I just wasn't conscious enough to realize that I'm imagining my friend. My ego was trying to get confirmation/verification but I imagined it all. I realized that I am completely lonely, the only way not to be conscious of it is to create such a solid reality with suffering, pain and fear which I try but can't run away from, that it seems completely real and I can believe to exist amongst others who could potentially end my existence the next moment. I kept talking (or better watching me talking) but now in tears, realizing I'm only talking to myself. That no matter what I do it can only be me answering, forever. And the answers would doubt everything I say, like the guardian of the matrix. That I invented terror, rape, murder, torture, everything just to keep myself from realizing my "real self" which I have to live through eternally with no suicide option. That I can only try to die or disappear by imagining to be something else and that this is obviosly what I wanted most otherwise this human ego wouldn't exist in the first place. Reality seemed like the process of running away from itself. I felt a lonelyness never felt before, infinite. I realized that of course, of course (!!!) I will always experience pain over and over again, because I have nothing else to do. Everything else gets boring, like a child playing alone in the sandbox forever. There needs to be this duality eternally, if it didn't it just wouldn't, because I'm eternal so I lived an infinite amount of time already and I still experience suffering, so obviously it needs to exist, its not a bug that can be ended one day forever. My dream of reaching enlightenment to end suffering became just a joke. A dream, reality running away from itself again. God wants to dive into the dualistic realm losing itself, otherwise it wouldn't. If everything was fine why ever change it? At most, to make it better. And if I experience here and now the human suffering, it's probably the best option. Rather a limited suffering human to maintain the belief in something "new"/"different" or "unexpected" and especially the belief in something better, some progress to completion or possibility of beeing able to make something better, rather these false beliefs than beeing the eternal same void, knowing to experince everything just for nothing. After some "time" I came back to earth again. I was really happy to have human problems again, a limited mind thinking about meaningless stuff, people around me and sensations and so on. I think the experience slowed me down a lot on my spiritual path. It all became kind of pointless. Reaching enlightenment now or in a billion years doesn't matter, since it is first of all not in my (human) hands to make it happen and secondly I will anyway come back to form again since I am here already, thirdly it's already perfect and nothing will ever really change. But there are also some good things about it. Realizing it won't really get better in the future forces you to make peace with the present. It's literally perfect, the best. Jealousy? For whom? Fear of death? Well, nice alternation, but nothing will really change. Pain? It's the price for your fun. And at least, I am open-minded enough (or just desperate enough?) to believe there is more to it. Maybe it's just one dimension, the Void or whatever you may call it, but I missed a whole different dimension like Love. I had other experiences, they were showing me different parts of reality. If God's mind is infinite, of course he will experience infinite lonelyness, how not so? But also infinite love. There could be so much more turning the tide in "the end". And I can't remember all of infinity right now, so from my here-and-now-perspective there's so much more to explore. I tricked myself into this illusion where i actually know nothing, and I can go on for eternity searching myself together. So even if it's all pointless/meaningless, at least I have a job now................................. All in all, definitely worth an experience! Since you have nothing else to do, why not look at reality from radical different angles? I love to get mindfucked. It's funny to know that it's not (only) you running away from god, but god is doing it itself (who else?)

Take some medicine maybe. There is soft stuff like Baldrian which probably is not strong enough, but there is a lot out there that can help your physical body to get its rest. Listen to some sleep-hypnosis, focus on breathing deep and get out of your mind and into your senses. Don't listen to the inner voice telling you everything is going worse, its bullshit, at most a self-fullfilling prophecy. You can do a lot to get your sleep, as an ultima ratio you could take all sorts of drugs, go to a hospital, make yourself pass out or whatever, so there's always a way, don't believe you are not able to change your situation! If you get the mindset that you will be able to sleep one way or another it will be much easier for you.

Hey there, this is a shameful tripreport of mine, quite funny and interesting to read probably so I want to share it... Actually I'm not a newbie concerning psychedilcs, I did various partially quite strong substances in not small doses, half of the time alone contemplating about reality. So I took 2 blotters in the evening and waited for more than an hour, and usually I start to feel something around half an hour, but this time nothing happened. It was already late and I was a little bit impatient, so I took another two blotters because I did 3 blotters alone some time ago and everything was fine then. Quite soon after that it kicked in with its full potential, and I became extremely conscious that everything is imaginary, including death and whatever else. I had an extreme laughing flash and I don't know why but I felt the urge to jump out of my window (I already did it several times before (1st floor), maybe there was an unconscious fear that someone in the house would hear me and be scared of it). So I jumped out of it, not realizing I was naked (I realized that the next day when I found the underwear in my room). It was around half past 1 in the night and it rained, but I felt free and unbound as never before. At first I jumped around the garden, to the disadvantage of the plants, wallowing in the dirt and laughing and screaming, running around and feeling like ten times faster than usual. Everything felt godly, devine and perfect. So I ran down the streets, screaming and laughing and not losing a single thought about what others may think of me or whatever. I just remember shredded thoughts and scenes, but of course it happened: The police came and got out of the car, asking me who I am. I remember telling them I am god, what else could I be?! So they ask me where I come from. I'm coming from nowhere and I'm going nowhere, where should god go, I asked them back. The rest I almost don't remember. So they put on handcuffs and took me to the police department, constantly repeating that I'm full of drugs. I remember telling the female cop several times how absolutely stunning beautiful she is, and trying to tell them that everything is god and they are infinitely loved and I love them and wish them the best and whatever. So then I was at the police department but I don't remember much, just got some pictures in my mind, always cops that are laughing and beeing happy. I only remember constantly speaking about love and that everything that's happening happens out of love and that they are fullfilling a purpose, feeling completely merged with the cops that spoke to me. I remember how funny I found that society is imagining all these laws and rules, that everyone is constantly feeling under pressure to do right and striving to come to a resolution where everything makes sense, and I was completely seeing through the game knowing the only thing necessary is love, and the resolution of everything is here and now. Everyone is living the life others want them to live, the cops trying to be the good guys and wanting to guard the law, and I just give a shit and just am, spreading love and making them laugh, telling them how beautiful they are and they do a good job and whatever. Then I remember not beeing able to move and feeling some pain, beeing in a very fast car. I guess it was the ambulance. I don't know why but I felt like beeing tortured with very advanced technology, and at first I felt fear but then I surrendered to the situation and it was ok. Then I woke up in a hospital with three nurses around me, speaking polish. At first I thought I am in some torture room with high technology, then I thought I am in psychiatry. Apperently I pissed in the bed by mistake, and I teared off all the wires on me, the blood catheter, which made the nurses very worried about, because an alarm started and the blood flowed out of my arm. I ensured them everything is fine but actually I still didn't know where I am, I had lost my glasses and I could barely articulate myself. They gave me a white bathrobe and I told them I wanna leave. They said the can't force me to stay here but the public transportation is still inactive. So I walked out of the hospital, still not knowing whether I'm in the same reality I was used to, realizing after some time I'm in the same city I live so I was walking home whithin three hours. People made a big bend around me, I was looking like someone escaping from psychiatry, with my white bathrobe and slippers. I still don't know what I did and what exactly I told the police, I still feel very ashamed and every look I get from my neighbours feels like they know exactly what was happening. The moral of the story is: I never thought I could ever be that confused and out of control just by taking lsd. Wait long enough before you add more! Even though I often drank alcohol and often puked because of the amount, I never lost control, violated the law or beeing rude to others. I thought myself to be an experienced tripper, and all the stories about people jumping out of the window or running down the streets naked on drugs I thought were much to overrated, I always blamed mixed consumption, lack of experience or the stupidity of people. Another thing: Don't try to convince cops or usual people that you or/and they are god, especially when beeing under drugs, it just reinforces their prejudices. And: Spread love, feel free and just be, it's the only meaningful thing you can do

@zeroISinfinity In my opinion lsd and ? have a lot in common, but of course everyone reacts differently... Yeah, that's a common problem, that drugs just induce a short lasting high state, but there has been done some research recently about treatment of depression with ketamine, or ptsd with mushrooms and so on. It is very promising that psychedlics can have long lasting positive effects under psychotherapeutic conditions. Even one trip had already a longlasting positive effect in most cases. @ivankiss Wow, your story is quite severe! I see many parallels, I love music too and play leadguitar in a band with a portuguese singer And a lot of those feelings and impressions I had, too! It's really insane how reality can switch completely within seconds, changing every sense of self and every kind of relation. It's good to have experienced something like this, I have much more respect concerning drugs now. @wesyasz I didn't, but I was naked and jumping around the streets screaming and laughing in the midst of the night, completely insane. It was dangerous, maybe I would have built an accident. So I can understand their method very well.. @dimitri haha yeah I know the "as little "you are high" signs as possible"-tactic very well. It always worked for me, until now, this time it got reversed

That's how I feel 24/7 since then At least your content made me realize it's all love, and I was able to spread some love and made the cops having a funny night Maybe they would have been less nice to me otherwise, so thanks for that @MarkKol I'd love to remember more, I think the cops had almost more fun than I had. I remember their broadly grinning faces... Usually they invite you to explain to them why you were doing this crazy stuff, so maybe I get the chance to listen to some stories they will tell me. I will keep you up-to-date It's strange because I always sit still in meditation position on lsd, rarely climbing trees or something like this. I don't know why I suddenly felt the urge to jump around and scream like shit. Never happened to me before... By the way it was actually 1cp-lsd, a legal derivate in germany, maybe it works slightly different... @Bazooka Jesus Hahaha yeah, my psychedlic ego is completely broken since that Never thought I would be that far on the side of the bad examples for drug use I'd love to do more dmt, but it's difficult to get this stuff here.. But I need a big break at first!