Applegarden

First of all there might be a deep seated fear of what will other people think, because that is wrong or something, so ummediatly you feel like an outcast, inferior, insecure and guilty. Acceptance goes along way. Why would you feel that way? Why is it wrong to be turned on by that? So many people are turned on by different things. Do you want to hear something that makes you feel better? I also have a weird fetish that turns me on. I don't really want to act on it and besides doing some moderate spiritual practice even, the lust sometimes gets really strong. So let me embarass myself also. First of all, I want you to see that the impression of pornography is: 1) designed to get you hooked, as opposed to daily mechanical labour type suffocating life and our mindset that we need to run after pleasure and meanwhile judge, guilt each other and project abstinence and some kind of wicked morality that you are not supposed to entertain this, even tho it is designed to get you to do exactly that; 2) just another impression from the sense perception, so with more intrinsic happiness, sense pleasures come down, but more like in waves rather than linearily; So my fetish is latex bondage. There is a such a thing as those double layered latex sleeping bags where a person basically gets tightly sqeezed by two balloons. And they you can already immagine what you can do with all that. Have had lots of fantasies about that of how it would be like e.c.t. Have masturbated on them. Feels very unpleasant to reveal it and most importantly I feel very vulnerable to reveal such things altho it really doesn't matter and its the bottom of my priorities to seek out and try something like this. But its more like fear of what other people will think of you. I immagine alot of gays and trans use these toys also, but I hope you won't have to run from that away also.

This... this is really important lesson in life. Probably the most important lesson I learned. Behind loneliness, rejection there is pure bliss itself. You are always alone. Spirituality literally means all by yourself. You will die alone just lile each and every one of us. Meditation and all sorts of stuff is great for this. I feel so blessed to discover that when I felt frustrated and abandoned. There are few ways to really approach this sincerely. If you are interestd what is it that I did and what helped me, I can pm you later. But death is always lurking. It seems lile the darkest shadow but acctually it is the greatest friend to who you really are. Nothing will make you happy except renounciation. Doesn't mean you can't do stuff in the worldbut practice of renounciation even while doing and having is vital. Otherwise life really is nothing but sea of suffering no matter what you have and own. The moment it is taken away from you, there is sorrow and even when you have there is boredom e.c.t.

Ignorance knows the power of the truth internalized, so it backlashes at you, you can call it ego backlash. You have been deluded (in feeling seperation) for quite some time, that is why the inertia and irritation. All you need is just a little bit more intellectual conviction and reminder why you need the truth.

I would guess that you just need a 9 string. JK I can 100% relate and it is right where i am.

Oopsies, double post!

Is it? I tought the greatest compliment was when I was called an idiot. Continiously. By multiple people. That tought me something, now i take it as a compliment. Because it is acctually true with every human being and not for the reason you are called an idiot by somebody and they are constantly admitting that they are irritated by who you are, therefore they are not truthfull to themselves, if you are.

Well, its a sign to keep up with the enlightenment work, otherwise this will come and go again and again...

Oh my god, calling people stage purple is like the next level insult. Like a subhuman or neanderthal.

Microtonal shred from me: 19 tet shred.mp3

Just avoid and don't say anything. Pretty easy to be honest, eveb if you talk, what can you really transmit. Average folk won't suspect anything. If they ask if you are spiritual, you will say yes and they will ask you if you believe in god, and you will say yes and it will be like k, cool. So he believs in god or smth. They will not ask to themselves what is "You" "Belief" and "God". So chill, you can't really reveal it also.

Yes, I decided to fall back a bit with the journaling. Good to see you doing great, Michael. That was not shiva esentially, that was devi Saraswati. The symbol (and acctually not a symbol at all but more like an energetic entity or a conscious machine or higher being) of intelligence, education, knowledge, art, music, wisdom. In hindu mythology (in my opinion, hindu history) many actual enlightenes beings created these forms or even forms of themselves, like devi Menaakshi, who was a south indian saint and many, many others. You can even feel the divinity from the symbol of christ, buddha, krishna, shiva e.c.t., but with devotion, rituals e.c.t. it goes much deeper than that. Since devi saraswati is mentioned in baghvad gita, it is pretty ancient devi, altho it doesnt even matter, you could create your devi to whatever image, or your image, and still derive the benefits of entertaining the aspects of your higher self, playing with divine. It can even develop psychic powers or these deities come and bless you in form or in dreams, of course, that is what I have heard, so I bought exact figurine and plan to do something with her and myself. But apart from that, everything is shiva, either me, you or saraswati, so you are also right. This time i don't want to share too much, I have not quit music, and I am planning on how to come to a place where I can practice. And I am more happy wheb journaling privately as I don't have to validate myself to anybody. Thanks for the welcome! :)) Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. Immagine what is out here so amazing e.c.t., but we will not hear it.

Shaking, spasms are completely normal. If you acctually allow your body to move, it will start pulsing, swinging in random directions which is fine. Eventually that can spiral out, so that your head will be spinning or the whole body starts to swing and spasm. This is usually happening in ritualistic events, near lingas or masters, when you meditate in sacred places or when yogi does something to you - gives darshan or something else, that tends to happen also. I used to do guided meditations by mooji when i started - i was always spasming, shivering, few times during the meditation. This is still true to this day. Even before I meditated I always noticed those shivers but I was not cold. These are legitimatly something else that is completely ok. It is said that itnis your karmas burning from the deepest layers of you, especially in the presence of a master or enlightened being - either guided meditation by them or something related to them or even their physical proximity. If you are blissfull and experience those shivers, that is very good from my experience.

Easily one of the best pieces/albums in music I have ever listened to.

If you have a mindset like Krishna, then doing something to somebody is fine, but then there is no vengeance or even hatred or anything negative, only the experience of seeing everyone as pure infinite souls which doesn't die and are bliss themselves, even with the cover of ignorance - therefore there is no remorse needed for anybody. With that mindset Krishna won a violent war. The one who derived this way of thinking is Kapila and that method of cognizing the world is called Sankhya. It is like a siddhi - remove everything in your innerspace by purifying yourself and establishing your thinking from the inner space of enightenment then even the bully will not be supported to harm your body. The power depends on the mastery. This is what in hinduism said. Other than that, the intention of the action matters, if you act out of that and keep spraling downward due to enimity, you will lose the track of your life's purpose and incur negative karma, the karma of violence. And both-ways, if you help somebody, serve somebody, do charity work, make somebody happy, cause somebodys life - you incur positive karma which accelerates you to your desires and purpose. Waste as little as time as possible and find ways to purify yourself. That is what I do. You want to take revenge, because you might feel there is nothing better to do. Go and search your purpose, do visualisation on what you want, look for your authentic desires - those who arise when you are in a good mood. Hope this helps!

This is so funny that it is not even funny anymore...

I would rather seek enlightenment if I knew that my lifetime is on an estimate.

On the top of my head i can think of biographies of echkart tolle, george gurdjeff, dr. hawkins, bentinho massaro - i think these people dealth with western struggles and somehow integrated the experience of the whole. Best of luck!

Read about sannyas, aghori and sadhus in himalayas, in hindu tradition there are people who ONLY accepted a meal if you gave them nothing else even not more food than a meal and their olny shelter was the forest or a cave or sometimes plain ground. They meditate even in thunderstorms.

You meant Dota 2... right????????????

You already know 1# choice is a flawed choice and you are in desperation and the first tick of boredom comes then the guilt comes e.c.t. then you arr screwed. How about a long term solution, because you are gonna suffer even worse in the future?

I had a female classmate in university who was a metalhead. She had a boyfriend. Shit tested me alot casually. That was alot of fun. Always seemed to brush everything off. One time she asked me: "Why are you so weird?" I chuckled and replied: "I don't know." After that she looked at me differently than before that exchange.

Because sexuality has been corroupted too much that masters don't usually teach it trough sex and enlightenment requires renounciation from desires altogether - food, sex, companionship are the strongest and masturbation reinforces dependency on maya.

Yeah.... of all the people of thr world you picked Hasan. Sure. The political couch entertainment youtubers. On the other hand, shout out to Destiny who is trying to bring people together and change minor laws, altho he fits in the same category. I will agree that debates, exposees on people do initiate some change of perspective for people's minds over a long time, but in terms of action list to enrich other peoples lives it is the bottom of the list, close to "Do nothing". I would ask myself - what is the most meaningful thing I can do to contribute to the world and solving actual problems in our society? This entertaiment exposees and debates certainly wont do, even if they appear to do so. As if you are watching Hasan (certainly not a direct criticism to you Leo), you are probably interested in how many girls confess to him wanting sex with him on youtube/twitch.

After some events in my life I had an extensive insight about myself. This insight kinda formed in multiple parts and some of it is extremely depressing and some of it is extremely relieving. First of all. My joy of playing guitar and recording/composing is under constant threat, due to a few people who want to make my life "hell". I can't touch the instrument consistently or for long periods of time, and I don't think I would even find an appartment for that, like ever. Knowing what kind of obscure music I would like to produce and just about how much time I would have to spend to track the instruments and spend time with the instruments. And all that for 10 people listening. And I want to play nothing else than my stuff. Its that or nothing. Second thing is the fluid identity due to personal development and some basic enlightenment work. I can acquire the tastes I need for more practical work that needs to be done. Doing something that the world actually physically needs to benefit the collective. I am talking about things like recycling, working around charity, poverty, education of such topics e.c.t., my selfish desire for that music I would like to produce is not what we need in the world if there are too many miserable people due to their inabilty of survival. I really can drop the desire of music, because I underestand that, first of all - the problem of regret is a fiction, because you don't really underestand live and are somehow navigating it making decisions big and small, so why do you spend so much time projecting a different outcome - that is delusion literally. And will sometimes feel regret when you have a bad mood. "Ohh, I wish I did the thing A, when I chose B and the other way around." The actual happiness is another component or more like a basis on where you should act. I don't identify with any desire or dream too much, because I distinctly know the actual bliss is not too much related to action, but more like with what ideas you cherish about you, or maybe none at all. Due to this experience, If you direct your desire into something and due to clarity, you are more competent on doing so, because there is less wavering, then basically anything you do will be just fine over time if you commit to it and with self-purification alot of grudgery will be in balance and in taste with you. Having said that, I would rather look for what I need and what the world needs. I need to be more established in myself to solve the problem of lifetimes while nobody around me has any idea about it, and to sit for long hours and self-reflect, will require for me to quit music. And the world obviously needs joyfull and blissfull people who retain the capacity to be happy and productive no matter what garbage you put on them. Third thing - too much enlightenment work too fast (maybe). The moment I underestood the notion of such a thing and what experience it creates, and that it deepens, then really the only consistent thing above all, especially as a response to suffering is just to sit and keep quiet and work on my freedom. I have had such experiences completely sober, and it is happening more and more, especially in days where I sit for longer times by myself. Even tho I get lost and distracted I inherently know of more and more what to do. So more relentlessly and frociously over anything else I want to do just that. The experience created literally makes me feel free like nothing else. Another thing is - desire and delusion. This is fairly simple, you will never ever satisfy your desires for something, you will just keep wanting more and more, you will take more and more bodies not knowing why and keep desiring, my question for that is, what is the point of that. And another one - the deep problem of knowledge and memory - this will leave you wanting for enlightenment and dropping everything else if you are internalizing this constantly. The problem is this - no matter what you do, will it have any point of reference? Can you retain that achievement, event or experience, and for how long. It has been said that we are threading along 6th human civilisation after wiping it out 5 times, millions of years till the modern human and billions of years of the universe + the cycles of the universe before that. Do you remember where you came from? Before this birth maybe? Do you even remember last 10 years, 1 year, 1 month or yesterday as it really happened? Already some corrouption of immagination has entered those. What meaning will your years of success and achievements will mean whatsoever when the continious suffering will anyway happen because of internal unfullfillment due to trying to extract maximum pleasure of life and projecting expectations and delusions how life should be, while you don't know anything about yourself and life really, no matter how much knowledge you have; the knowledge you have will anyway fade away and you have to use your mind to have it but the quality of cousciousness will be there for you as you at least. So 99.9% of us are running for desire, not knowing why, what for this creation, what are they for and the obvious fact that no matter what they do, they can enjoy that for a very limited time and they can't take anything earthly with them, including everything percieved as sensory experience. Having said all of that, I am kinda more and more done. Freedom is what is consantly in my mind, the strive for self-purification is all I want, everything else is just more suffering. I don't mind doing something to survive, I can self-reflect there also, but I don't think I will be doing anything extra, unless I really feel that the world needs it. I also disagree with Leo with the fact that spiritual masters are not always happy. 99% of the time they are in my observation. Maybe even 100%. The grace of such beings reveals it to me, their attitude of not taking life seriously to an extraordinary measure show the depth of th capacity of dynamic happiness, that is reflected in their bliss. Then I would ask Leo, about acessing higher states of consciousness sober. And single sentence phrases like I am dreaming all this stuff up or states of consciousness are immaginary as everything else does not count.

Sadhguru - The legend of dhyanalinga Documentaries about papaji and ramana maharishi.