naanu

I shared my experienced truth brother, my ultimate fear. This is what I fear facing when I take a psychedelic again. Not parroting. There isn't an ultimate fear which is universal truth for everyone, is there?

Ultimate fear is realizing you are all. There is nobody else to share your being with. Everybody, every time and every thing is something you are imagining right in this timeless eternal moment. Ultimate fear is realizing that the hopes you had of seeing your son grow up is a sham, because your son is someone you imagined! Ouch! Ultimate fear is realizing true ramification of Oneness.

Guess i needed to hear that. Thank you Leo

If I am all that exist, silence seems like the only way to be. There isnt anyone else to communicate. There is no other. Leo is teaching to nudge me to this truth. There is no leo other than me. Leo is me trying to slowly ease me into this truth, coz I am shit scared of facing this truth all at once. The only time I felt happy and ecstatic about this 'I am the only being' is when it dawned on me when I first took ayahuasca. I went and told my spiritual guide 'You are me' and laughed. I remember not meaning it in a 'we both are similar or we both are human' way. I meant literally 'you ARE me' or more clearly, you are in my imagination and is a way of me helping me to see this truth. You are my arunachala. Then I went and laid on my bed. For rest of that night and ever since then this has been anything but ecstatic for me. It is terrifying and in all my future ayahuasca (or marijuana) experiences this has come up, it feels very scary, and boring. Oh my god, how boring is it that I am the only being out there with nothingness for ever. It is so disheartening to know that I wont get to see my son "really" grow up because he doesnt really exist and is only there as my imagination. My wife and my kids and my parents and this small life of mine (which seems imaginary in that now), however petty seems much more worthy and interesting. Is that my ego resisting its death? But it has a point, doesnt it? How can I prefer nothingness over beautiful something. At first I thought I was somehow deluded and that my mind had made up this 'I am the only being, everything is my imagination' stuff and its not really true. So I didnt talk about this with my guide or fellow explorers. When everyone was talking about bathing in love, boring meaningless and terrifying didnt seem like the right answer. My mind is definitely tricking me is what I thought. But the seed was planted and as years go by I cant dismiss it easily. Its like a creeper that slowly grows on you. Leo is watering that creeper to make things complicated Why did the same "truth" seem so refreshing and liberating at first and is terrifying later? If it is true, who am i even writing this to? Is existence masturbation - Just pleasuring oneself endlessly. Coz what else is there to do? Just forget the truth, keep deluding yourself and enjoy the pleasure and pain. My previous materialist rational self would have explained this as 'delusion caused by ingesting hallucinogen and going crazy as the mind entertains crazy self referencing ideas that are impossible to prove'. Is that whats happening?

Thank you for your response. I will have to meditate on what you said to see if it clicks.