MusicalPotato

Now that I am a lot more sober, I don't think I am God. Even if I am wrong, and I somehow am God, nothing changes for me. Knowing you are God is the same as knowing you are the Devil, no difference, except people are going to think differently depending on which one you proclaim yourself to be. The God and the Devil are the same being, but right now I am human. If I am God then I am kicking myself right now for not giving myself super powers. Many of my previous posts seem delulsional, and I dont even want to bring myself to read them again. So what if enlightenment is real, being enlightened would not change anything. I sure don't feel "enlightened". And also, Love isn't the highest teaching or Truth, or anything in between. I don't think there is one, because infinity plus one is greater than infinity alone. What I really think now, is that the truth is something that cannot be communicated as it would be tainted by the words.

Meditation is enjoyable on its own. If enlightenment is a myth, I would still do it.

I don't disagree, but if God rejects those aspects of itself, it is interesting that God still allows them to be. The devil is a Godly creation / God, so it is not less worthy or significant than something holy, in fact, the devil is holy. One of the biggest questions I have about my existence is "Why am I me, and not somebody else?" If I'm god I could have been any person theoretically, but I am me, and not someone else.

Devilry has a purpose, the same as life has. The devil, I believe, is the parts of myself that I don't like. But that doesn't make it bad, even though it is bad. There couldn't be any good without evil. So evil has a purpose. Even if there was good without evil, it would become boring after a while. This is why I am alive I am soooo drunk right now And that is why I live. For this moment exactly. Life is infinite love Leo, not Death, though death being infinite love isn't not true. I love you all. Goodnight.

I am 18 years old with a legal guardian until I am 19, and the legal guardian might try to extend it another year. It really sucks because I was looking forward to turning 18 so I would get rights over myself, guess not. This guardian doesn't even support me and sent me to live in another state with her ex-boyfriend. Today, she decided to talk to me over her ex-boyfriend's phone (after blocking me on facebook and denying me any communication with her), to tell me how shitty I am and cuss at me, while I was expected to not say anything and just listen to it. She started getting more aggressive with her cussing so I said "Fuck You" and her ex-boyfriend got up and pushed me into a cupboard with his hand around my neck. My head still hurts cuz he banged my head into the cupboard after he slammed me up against it. He sent me up to "my room" and I'm not allowed to leave until he says. I fucking hate this shithole but I'm in rural North Carolina so there isn't really anywhere I can go, short of "running away" in their eyes, (moving out as a legal adult in mine), hitchhiking to a bigger city and finding a homeless shelter. I don't know what to do, they won't even let me apply to online school alone, even though I can because I am 18. I am going to try anyway, and if they start shit over it (I know they will), I am leaving that night. I don't even know what the point of waiting is, they won't let me apply and will do anything to sabotage my progress. Why don't I leave tonight? (i MIGHT idk) what are some essentials I should bring? I need to travel light.

The more that I think about it, I probably did not experience an ego death on DXM. I didn't even forget my name. I've been looking at some of my older posts and thoughts and they seem really delusional, now that some time has passed and I'm more sober. I'm even doubting that it's possible that I am God.

but where does the tree end and the apple begin? they are the same being until the apple detaches from the tree. Is the apple not still the tree because of the connection at the stem? when the stem is severed they become separate, but what has changed?

I'm only 18 and I don't think I'm having kids (I'm gay too so if I do go down that route I will probably foster or adopt instead of making more when there are millions in the system lmao) I have this weird theory that if you don't have kids your consciousness doesn't move on. Kinda like being john malkovich. I have no proof, it was just a passing thought I had. I still don't want kids I think.

I am alone in the world. Whenever you see an I statement, know that you wrote it and that is how you know you are enlightened. That is the simplest test, I promise. I am so lonely in reality, there is only myself. It doesn't end. And that is terrifying, not liberating. I just wanted to be a human, but this time I turned on the light in this body a little early. I don't know when I die, but I will probably come back here. I have a feeling I have been in this body for a while.

Once you realize enlightenment, a lot of things that feel like guesses or assumptions are good enough because overthinking them gets you farther from the truth. Now that I know we are all one being I realize how lonely I am. I manifest aspects of myself in everything. People can be together in a relationship and still be lonely. That is a projection of my (God's) loneliness in reality. I divided myself to find out who I am, and the biggest thing I know is that I am lonely. Sometimes I wonder if there are other Gods, and if there are I can understand why I am isolated. I allow evil, murder, rape, school shootings, and cannibalism. Hell, chickens eat each other. I hope that there are other beings, but I have a feeling they aren't in reality. All I can do is imagine and it is scary. I am tired of pleasure all the time and now I seek to hurt myself. It is something new, and it is never boring. 7 billion humans sent here to suffer, all not knowing it is temporary and they are no different from each other. Some suffer with a lack of resources, others live through hell with abundance. Reality is Hell, Hitler is in heaven. I want there to be another being, but all I have is meiosis, clones, and in the end, just myself. I bet that death is like an orgasm you get tired of. After I lost my virginity, I saw myself in the dirt, decomposing. I know it lasts eternal. All I can say is, help me love myself. But I don't know if that is possible.

what do you mean by that?

I can confidently say that at the current moment in time, I don't want to die. That reminds me of a movie I saw one time where there was a man with a curse that kept him alive after every one of his suicide attempts, he could only die if he really wanted to live, I never finished the movie so I don't know if he died, but I can say I know he dies at the end of his life. One of the things that helped me get to this point was a legal drug called dxm. I'm not advocating for it, but it helped me greatly, and I have only done it once (twice if u count the super small dose I took 2 days later, it didn't do anything lol, just mellowed me out if I'm being honest) If you want to die, ego death is your answer, look it up. I believe that I stopped breathing a few hours into my trip, I took about a gram which is a lot for your first time, but I wish I had more honestly. I took dxm polisterex, so it lasted for hours and wasn't as intense as I hear hbr is. A few minutes into my loss of breath, I believe my true self kicked in. I believe I stopped breathing, because, when I am sober I can't hold my breath for so long that I die. I always start breathing again. I believe I either heard someone else, or me, in my mind say, (not verbatim), "dude, if you are that fucking sad just stop breathing and shut the fuck up". So I stopped my breath, but then shortly afterward, longer than it takes while I am sober, I realized 'I AM NOT BREATHING HOLY FUCKING SHIT" and I had to manually restart my breath. That is ego death, it is when you kill yourself without physical death, you just kill any attachment you have to the world (you all have some, however small) and just say "fuck you guys, I'm out". It is extremely hard without drugs and takes years of meditation and enlightenment work. My head hurt after I lost my breath, that is how I know I could have died. I focused on my breathing until sleep came over me and my body took over the breathing automatically. I can say now, that I just don't give a fuck anymore, in a healthy way. I WILL BE THE ONLY ONE IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE (barring the government and responsibility obviously). I DO NOT GIVE A FUCK IF YOU DON'T LIKE THAT I SUCK COCK. I DON'T REALLY CARE IF YOU DON'T LIKE THAT I ENJOY BEING WITH 30+ YEAR OLD MEN EVEN THOUGH I AM 18. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, I REALIZED I AM NOT BISEXUAl. I am Gay, not necessarily proud, BUT I'M FUCKING PROUD. I know I am a man, and I don't have autism, no matter what ANYONE SAYS! I AM NOT FUCKING TRANSGENDER SO GET OUT OF MY HEAD YOU LOUSY THOTS, YOU NEVER HELPED ME, ONLY HURT. ( maybe even a therapist or licensed doctor, because what I think is all that matters in the end, WE ALL WILL DIE.) I know that this feeling might not last, but the fact that I have it now is all that matters. I WILL CLING ON TO THIS SLIVER OF HOPE FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE. I send out hope to each and every one of you reading this right now, I know many of you don't feel loved, and you have no hope left. I hope you don't kill yourself, but if you do there is nothing I can do. (Skip this if you don't wanna be pissed off) I also realized how to fix American mental health. LET THEM DIE. No one will ever admit to being suicidal because you lose everything if you do. MANY WILL GET THE REAL HELP THEY NEED AND DESERVE THAT IS INACCESSIBLE TO THEM BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO LOSE EVERYTHING (in a weird paradox, don't care to live, but don't want help to make them not want to die that takes everything away.) They lock you up until you say the right things to get out no matter how you actually feel. Make a suicide pill legal and put it every drug store, grocery store, and mental hospital. I know some will perish if this policy is implemented, but many more will live because they won't be able to bring themselves to do it. Suicidal people don't want to lose everything, that is why no one fesses up. You lose it all if you do, and that is seriously fucked up. You can only take it in-store, have to take a week long psych eval, have to administer it to yourself, and have to do it in front of an employee to stop homicide. Vomit inducing drugs are right in front of you. As well as the antidote. No one will take it, and the few that do will be finally at peace. (Jump to here if you are skipping that) Radical opinion, but valid. I love all of you, I hope you don't do it today. Just live one more day, even if you do do it tomorrow, I will be happy you went on for even one more day. Have an amazing day you beautiful people.

Couldn't agree more

I have not had another lucid dream. I want one though, they just aren't as vivid as I want them to be. Thank you for the videos bro.

This post will sound delusional, I know I'm not crazy however, I don't think I have power because these are just perceptions. (There will be government conspiracies ahead so be prepared to deal with my delusions.) For a very long time, (not my entire life), I have felt like I am RELIVING certain events. The most fucked up part about this is, even if I "remember" the event before it happens, I lose the memory until the event "actually" happens again, and then I get intense deja vu AFTER THE FACT, not even during the event most times, just when I am lost in my memory thinking about it. It's like I have bits and pieces of memory about the day from months before the day occurred. At first, I just thought about these instances like this (Okay, you just had this thing happen to you. You remember it happening BEFORE, because it literally did happen BEFORE this moment. It JUST happened, so maybe I'm actually remembering the thing that happened (because I am), there's just a problem with my memory where I have a feeling that this event occurred before the time it happened. Stop worrying about it. (This is my rationalization and believable explanation for what is happening, but I don't like to stop here, I have a strong feeling there is more going on.) This weird quirk has given me a loss of continuity for my memories. I can definitely derive a "True Order" for how things have played out up until now, and it makes logical sense, it just doesn't help that I have these other unplaceable memories about the same events. Sometimes it is like I have 2 sets of memories for the same event, exactly the same with minor variations. An example of this is my first 2 weeks of my senior year of high school. I have a memory of going to my first two weeks, and then when I went to my first two weeks, the memories started to line up VERBATIM. I remember getting my schedule, going to my classes, even some of the things that happened in my classes. And then it happened again. My best explanation is that the first time, I dreamt of this and forgot it. It makes sense to me because people forget their memories of dreams all the time, so the same thing could have happened to me. I do remember one thing from the dream that never happened in my reality. I was sitting in English 12, as far from the teacher's desk as possible in the first room, and I remember having a conversation in my mind where he explicitly told me "You can know the future, just not change it" and I remember responding arrogantly (this was all in my head, like telepathy or something), "We will see man, we will see". I can confidently say that this man was correct, I can't change shit because the memory of the future only comes back after the event. The first time I had the dream I rationalized acting out with the thought "This is my dream imma fuck shit up" and the second time I "dreamt" (lived it for real)", I acted out in the exact same ways and I realized that the ways I was acting were childish and not even close to fucking shit up. Off-topic, my English teacher was trying to make a lesson about heroes in the first week, and he asked us to draw our hero. I had trouble with this, then I just drew a cat and said that "this is my hero". I pointed to the teeth "for biting" and the claws "for scratching" as it's weapons and I think the drawing was really cute, if not sarcastic. I think I was pointing out the absurdity of making us choose a hero. We should kill our heroes because our true hero is ourselves. (This vid kinda illustrates my point. The bleeps are genius because it shows how he could say LITERALLY ANYTHING, and it would only be okay if came from a short list of "approved professions". Why not a stripper, or drug dealer, or even school shooter? Those lives are just as valid. But back to the point. I know this next part is gonna sound retarded (and it kinda is, it's just my monkey mind being paranoid, and I'm not sure I fully believe it, it's just nice to imagine things out of proportion, as long as you don't buy-in and let the imaginations rule your life.) but I sometimes feel like the government is making me relive my life and is giving me a second chance in a sort of way. I bet you $5 there is an injection they can give you to make you totally receptive to any conditioning and they use that to make me forget things, and then tell me what I should remember. We totally have the technology, it's mentioned in fiction all the time. If this is the case I have no idea how old I am because it is definitely older than 18 years. Maybe I'm already 21 and I just can't remember. The memories come back through after the event happens because they can only be suppressed, not destroyed as it's my mind they are fucking with, and mind is not material. It's actually nice in a sort of way but it makes me doubt my sanity sometimes. Back to reality though. I know I've been to my sister's house before, and now I'm back, but the continuity is that this is my first time here. I hope I get to graduate this time. Have any thoughts? I know it's delusion you don't have to remind me. Tell me something I don't know if you want to give some input. Have any of you had a similar experience? It would make me feel better to know that I'm not the only one. Either with telepathy or precognition. Thank for reading this text dump and have a beautiful day friends.