Thought Art

I don’t want to be a whiner either! But, I gotta vent! The only person to blame for my life is me. And, my survival programming which I don’t choose. Maybe if my family wasn’t the way it was I’d be more successful. All that trauma and programming I got from my youth made it impossible to be successful in my teens and early 20s. It’s really a shame. If I was 15, stable home without alcoholic dad… actualized teachings that would be solid. But, God had other plans I guess. Let’s give him an unstable alcoholic dad, ADHD, then when he tries to be a musician let’s give him fucking tinnitus. WTF I have to figure out a way of seeing my life, despite it being dogshit compared to my dreams as worthwhile. I need to make it worthwhile. Tinnitus is really a dogshit fucked up thing though. Fuck tinnitus.

I went through a deep hopelessness this week. I think travelling I don’t sleep properly for 3 days. Then, starting this new job which is only for money I realized how I’ll have to endure actually doing it everyday…. I hate being a slave. Dark times, suicidal thoughts, hopelessness. Things which I feel from time to time. I lose the big picture of my dreams and how I strategically chose these jobs to solve problems. It’s just u sense I’m getting older which creates this panic of running out of time. Old age does scared me and I worry I’ll be too old before my dreams can be made real. Then, suicide is the only option because I’m not living a shithole old age wage slave life. I’m gonna keep focusing on sleep because that seems to be the thing that’s helping me bounce back. I also enjoy breathwork, Qigong, acupressure and journaling to help ground me. …. life should be profound and awesome. I don’t want a boring life tbh. I want success, creativity, and to make and share music in a meaningful way. Unfortunately, for whatever reason that isn’t guaranteed which is really stupid design. Again, solipsism and tinnitus, and how fucking hard reality is is a stupid design. I’m not saying it should be so easy to not have value but… tinnitus is a stupid feature to reality. Fuck God for tinnitus. anyway, I’m off to be a fucking wage slave.

I wish I could start over with what I know. Anyway, life doesn’t owe me anything for whatever reason. Solipsism makes no sense in that if I was solipsistic and sovereign I would create the life of my dreams. This is my gripe with these concepts and even realities. Selfishness is actually the only thing that makes sense if solipsism is true. I don’t mean evil necessarily, but to serve your highest vision for yourself. My highest vision for myself is being a profound musician. The last couple years I thought maybe that wasn’t the case but here it is. It’s really the only thing I want but I feel like there is so much in the way of that dream. Sure, could I enjoy life as a mediocre person? Yeah, But, I just don’t see the point. You might as well have born me as a donkey or a duck or something then. Getting up, being a slave and taking a shit before bed…. Why let me dream? I am putting the work and investments into music now. I’m cutting out distractions. However, I have to work, and my financial plan involves me working remotely which makes practicing and socializing right now impossible. But, it helps me get out of debt and save money which is important. This way I am able to earn and save well beyond what is possible in a city with insane living expenses. I don’t have to pay rent or food and I make more than double what I did with my education The truth is this chapter is not what I would like at 30. My 20s resulted in lots of lessons, failures and experiences that are valuable. But, they don’t result in a profound success. I would like to be better off at 30. In my 20s I played some festivals, made music videos and touched people’s hearts with music. I sold my first Qigong coaching program, and thousands of people have followed my Qigong routines. But, I’m still a wage slave. Still in debt. And I hate that.

This song… this band…. I think if I was God, which apparently I am, If I could create anything I would make profound music like this. But, here I am a fucking wage slave who is getting older. Just turned 30. Reality is a mystery. Why am I too stupid? Or confused? Why would God imagine my life? Why am I not up on that stage like, every night? Also, what’s with the rucking tinnitus?! I feel like reality should have been designed differently. Anyway, I’m gonna keep trying to get this this low I feel and this victim complex. I am making progress on my next music project.

“Don’t wish life was easier. Wish you were better” - ?

@cistanche_enjoyer That is better than 5g….

Hmm, I don’t think I want to be a Qigong teacher in this phase of my life. I am considering letting it go and just doing it as my spiritual practice for the next decade. Not sure on this. I’ve put a lot of time and effort into this. The traction is small, which doesn’t mean it isn’t working but sometimes I think it’s not. I want to be a musician. But, that’s feels impossible to make a living in. This has me going back in forth in a feeling of hopelessness, doom and gloom and frustration. I don’t know. A problem I am having is that I work all day and I’m getting back and eating and sleeping. My ability to work on my dreams seems impossible. This makes me wonder why I even am alive if I can’t make my dreams a reality. I either decide I’m gonna figure out a way or I kill myself. It’s my hearts largest desire.

So, is there a take away here on good gear to get?

@kieranperez Are you saying unconditioned experiences only happen under the right conditions? 5meodmt not being one of them? Trying it once isn’t enough! Meditating once isn’t enough!

This is an interesting documentary because it was filmed with those who committed the genocide re-enacting how they did it.

@Av2521 Confusion is part of the toxicity.

@Magnanimous Hubspot has good intro courses to help you understand the industry. That could help you. There are a lot of different approaches depending on the type of sales and your position.

@max duewel Hey that’s good man

This motivates me! My life makes it hard to socialize right now between my life purpose goals and travelling for work. But, I’ll figure it out!

Not sure I understand how this sentence is contexted

I don't know what actually will happen when I die, just like I don't know what will happen tomorrow. But, this theory I have makes sense even without knowing what will happen. I don't think you can know what will happen and that is part of the design of death. I think that because reality is a solipsistic mind and there is in reality no external reality, or other people. All that exists is a conscious bubble of experience. This bubble of experience in truth can appear as anything it wants to. So, death is actually forgetting. That is all. Death is just shaking the etch sketch. I think at the point of death, literally anything can happen at all because it's a merging with infinity. So, with death literally anything could happen. Death is beyond human understanding because of how constrained our state of consciousness is. But, death allows for any new dream God would want to create from it's infinite intelligence. Memory and remembering I think is a really interesting metaphysical component in reality. I think metaphysical memory is really interesting concept beyond human memory. I think God can just clean the slate whenever it wants and start a new dream at any time it chooses. I think this is already chosen for all of us by ourselves and our infinite mind. I think metaphysical memory creates the illusion of time as well. Time can't really exist because all that exists is an infinite Now frame that changes shape. The changing of the shape can pretend like time has passed by impressing that upon itself. Which, is paradoxical. So, death isn't anything bad. I don't think it need lead to heaven, or another human or animal life. I think it literally is the door to infinite possibilities. I suspect there are forms of experience God can dream that you can be that aren't even considered "Life" because they are so foreign to how we are currently experiencing reality as humans. I think death can open up the potential to any of these other "realms" as well. I don't know how God chooses based on having no constraints other than what it decides. But, there is likely some kind of divine logic that can only be understood by infinite mind itself, and by actually dying. I suspect all human religious ideas around death (at least as commonly interpreted) are wrong. It's far more grand and full of potential than the human mind can readily grasp.

It’s very sad. The genocide and then the guilt and shame of those who committed it. Very eye opening film.

@Hojo There has been reports of this for years

@LastThursday That’s my new language not even I understand I am so non-conformist.

@Ishanga Do you think if you were kept awake for 48 hours chained into a stress position in a CIA torture camp with no sense of time that you wouldn’t suffer unless you chose to?

I’d focus on cultivating non-dependent relationships. It sounds like a mess waiting to happen and something that could be very dangerous and toxic down the road to be honest. Her neediness, her already having a family etc. It’s odd and high risk. You guys clearly have chemistry. I dont know how for you to navigate this but… you are seeing signs that something is up.

I heard it was anal rape too… Billionaire, soccer player, rapist… man of many things.

@LastThursday 9$$$24 saslekf

Yes, sure. But, notice how you are alive. You haven’t died, and even with some consciousness of it… you are here alive. Death, would mean you aren’t here alive. So that is what is explored here.

@Someone here I’ve never once had fun looking at soccer but I get people do.