Thought Art

After a recent egobacklash I left my Job, and now I am struggling to find another. I am running out of money and about do go into a lot of debt. Despite taking the life purpose course... maybe the life purpose course even makes things worse because I actually thought maybe life was improving for the better. I felt like I could actually go out and do things. But, people scare me, I don't have a degree and I am feeling both worthless and overwhelmed by the world. I feel like I have something to offer but also I feel so weak and useless compared to the complexities of reality. I keep falling into this suicidal victim hood place, overwhelmed by potential paths, each one seems impossible. I find myself almost praying that God will help me out of this. But, that doesn't seem to be how reality works. I want to kill myself in hopes I can create a whole new experience away from all the corruption, rent, money, and annoying complexities of human existance. I don't have a Job yet, I don't want to be a cashier I would rather kill myself. I was on a great career path and I threw it all away. I would love to be a proessional musician, but thats not going to ever be a reality. When do I know that there just isn't anything here for me in this life? I don't feel loved or lovable, or capable of doing great things. The idea of being mediocre and doing this super repetitive day night day night, 9-5 cycle makes me want to kill myself. There doesn't seem to be a way out of this. Everything is too hard. I feel alienated and disinterested in secular existence, I am burning with resentment a of the time about ex-relationships, my family is full of victims and toxicity and addiction. I don't know. I feel up and down, maybe I will make it through. But, suicide is on my mind more often than I would like to admit. I don't think people are supposed to live this way. It's like everyone is stupid, but everyone is also smarter than me. I don't know... What is my purpose? God?? am I wasting my time??

While sitting on the couch listening to terrance Mckenna my mind wondered off With Elon Musk's project Neuralink, and that perhaps it could be used to alter time in the brain while creating a videogame but using the same neurological mechanism that projects image when you are dreaming. Perhaps you could experience millions of years in a second, or 1 year is a day or something like that. Idk, just an interesting idea. Here is when Terence talks about time: 7:20 But then I got to thinking about the testing, exploring and creating of the foundations of this time altering technology and I thought about how brave or crazy you would have to be to take that risk to you know, see if it works... You could spend forever in a void, a hell, or a heaven. Maybe you would even forget you went into the machine... Reminds me of this scene in rick and morty. Could you imagine waking up and realizing it was all a game? Or, all of a sudden a grand recontexualization of what you life is occurs? Anyway, in the end I was feeling that eery ... shadow sublime feeling of the deep brutalness of time and reality. But then I realized how well time seems to function in this reality... and still how it's brutal sluggish grandiosity overwhelms me. 10+ years for enlightenment and self mastery? 10+ years until life purpose gets discovered and realized?. Reality is a brutal think wall. One we have to learn how to climb well. How deep does the experience of the observer go? How big is this thing? Could it be?

People say the heart is more powerful than the mind. Is that true? My heart has been asleep for so many years. I don't know what to trust, my mind rational mind or my heart.. Perhaps it's contextual and like anything there should be balance. I sometimes hear the heart is an energetic powerhouse. Does it connect to any higher frequencies of truth or something like that?

@Carl-Richard

@Carl-Richard Is that all?

@Tim R Sometimes I can feel it actually in my chest though.

@Leo Gura Also, I am not using a historical lens on this like "What if this is a simulation" (I don't know if it is) I am saying look, how the hell are we going to evolve? Consciousness will not be tied down to this physical realm forever. Something will come. Perhaps we are just temples and castles in waiting. How long will we let our selves be animals? This form I am in, this limited human cycle of repetition. There's got to be something more. DMT felt familiar to me. Almost like home.

@Leo Gura I understand. What is open mindedness?

@Leo Gura Is it possible to master my own DMT? and just create any dream I want? Other than the trip and the experience it offers very little tangible results in my ability to control reality on a high level. I really have no idea what reality is. or time. I haven't deeply experienced enough yet. But so far, time looks like endless streams of cars driving around, environmental destruction, misinformation, being a drone or some sort of money biological machine. Is that all I am? Sure, I am God. But I feel a lot more like a biological robot in this reality. I will have to do more self inquiry. But, theres more surface level things I need to integrate into my life so I can more stably self actualized. I had fun sharing this post!

@Nahm Thank you for your thoughtful comment. You have a point. Am I to resist reality and suffer? Or go with it and dance. My heart is aching though. @AlyK Yeah, You are making a great point there. I do need to be interacting with people more on a daily basis. I think these depressions I come into might simply be loneliness. I have applied to a sort of local wholefoods which I think would be a lot of fun, I would learn a lot about the teas, health products etc... and meet a lot of people I'd likely vibe with. I haven't heard back but fingers crossed. I do often feel trapped in this physical existence that's for sure. I have a lot of work to do on myself.

@Leo Gura I'd love to wake up. and to not be human anymore...

@JosephKnecht Hmm, perhaps being conscious is being able to understand and be yourself in those situations too.

The Native Americans here in Canada were known to be very peaceful, kind, aware of themselves and their emotions, communities, and the land. They instead of debating and politics would talk things out until everyone in the decision agreed. Does this point out a limitation of Spiral Dynamics? Or have they gone through and integrated the levels? Or does spiral dynamics happen when we become civilized in large groups? When tyrants are unifying us as tribes. I think it would depend on the place, the people and the environment right? Could it be possible, I wonder sometimes if Spiral Dynamics especially shows the white, colonialist development and not that of all tribes, peoples and cultures. It seems as if the colonists were white, disease lying assholes while the natives were more kind, and actually helped them to survive the winter because they knew nothing how to survive in that type of climate. though I just don't know enough about humanity's developmental history around the world, or even all the potential developmental paradigms that could develop.

@Opo Just sayin. It's not fetishing anything. Your entire world view of based on being a civilized, perhaps white human. Noting all the devilry and disease spread by europe... Very very rich cultures, with food sovereignty and rich spiritualty were wiped away and erased. Be open minded.

@ShardMare I dont resonate off the bat, but would like to learn more

@ajai Hey did you read the book The Mission Of Art by Alex Grey?

@Elshaddai Oh so he is just there no cause

@John Iverson Hey, What did you learn? I've read about half of it, but I don't know if it was that practical for me. I will return to it in time. Perhaps I learned just to be a bit more open minded and to keep exploring the paradigms of science and mysticism and what it means to be human.

@Chumbimba Me Too. I was lost, going through some early spiritual awakening and meaning searching. I did NOT like or trust Leo at first. But, his content was so good I could no ignore it. I am still on my own journey. I don't know what will happen, I am in a sort of confusing place. But, I have a path ahead of me and I've come so far, and done so many cool things wouldn't have if I hadn't found Leo. I wonder if I will ever meet you! Thank you Leo! youtube.com/watch?v=EwQLwn1J-cQ

@Etherial Cat I am so fucking jealous of her, her new boyfriend and her business. And when we broke up it devastated me and ruined my first attempt at a business (we were co-workers) I will take some time to introspect. Thank you. I hate to say these things, but I have to look at my devilry..

@WonderSeeker The more you meditate the more the become aware of what is there beneath the surface. There is indeed a dark side of the mind when it comes to meditation

I am trying to can an understanding of how deep people are going into breathing exercises here on the forum. Are you doing things like breath of fire, pranayama, kriya Supreme Fire, etc in your daily practice?

I think so. I've read in some books like The Mystic Path To Cosmic Power by Vernon Howard that each dip precedes a rise to a new level. also this

Pretty sure you can keep learning new things throughout your whole life. You know, years ago they believed that you can't run or be an athlete at age 60... which isn't true I know lots of great cyclists in there 60s (though the definitely are not young). I think we can keep learning and in fact as long as we use our life long learning to increase our health, ability to learn, eat properly, get the body working etc... I think we can keep learning all through life. Not sure what the plateau is because most 20-25 year olds are not successful, but can do so later in life. Charles Bukowski didn't start writing till he was 35 and drank heavily his whole life. I don't think he found success until his 50s.... Keep Going!