Thought Art

Yes, I've made a lot of progess with the book. I will return to it. I don't trust god, other people or myself. That book has a lot of great stuff in it. I actually use some of the exercises in my daily morning journaling. I don't wanna end up famous and then make one wrong comment and have my whole career implode. This world is fucked up. People are fake, like my last roommate. I don't know what it means to be a friend? People demonize you pretty quickly. when he left he said he was lying to me the whole relationship as and was never really my friend. And he called me the Zen devil.. Man, people are fake as fuck. You need to be willing to stand alone in this world. The forgiveness and understanding I will provide others, wont be returned. I don't need to rush into forgiveness just yet. I can be a real person. I need to stop comparing myself to others, just be present in the moment. I will develop a healthy ego. Or, I will kill myself. It doesn't matter in the end. Am I an angel or a devil? Both. I don't think God cares about you more than you care about yourself. Probably because you are God.

@Terell Kirby Hope so. Been dealing with thoughts of wanting to die the last few days. But, that is really my ego being deeeeeply selfish. Because I just want to play music forever. I just want to sing, and sing and sing and lead Qigong classes, do Yoga. I can build this life. But, it's part of the journey. I was actually like, super self actualizing 2 years ago... Then is all fell flat on my face. Women/ people who cheat sexually ruin lives. I couldn't think straight I was so angry. Plus, I was losing my balance in other ways. I put in all this work on our project with her, and she starts sucking some other guys dick? Jeez, well, thanks God! What was the point of all that hard work? And then my boss hired her. Just, totally ruined everything. I was so angry at both of them. It totally ruined everything I was building. She didn't respect me at all. I don't trust any of you. Humans are lying sacks of shit sometimes. Yet, I know deep down I love you. So, I've been licking my wounds, building skills, doing trips, going to a therapist.. getting my job prospects up. I am just so fucking creative the idea of having to work for someone makes me want to hang myself in my closet. All these limiting beliefs, fears, etc plus all the time it takes to work on these other life skills make me frustrated because I know deep down I have so much music in me. Like, SOOOO much. I worked my fucking ass off, and now I am so scared to get back into because it hurt so badly. I felt like everything was just ripped away, all the passion and love and it was replaced with this endless raging resentment and anger. Then, I am trying to wrap my head around Leo's teachings. Which, is hard to do because I only have my own direct experience and all my misinterpretations, and everything. Then, I felt like I had all these possible paths to take and the raging fear of picking the wrong passion because I don't want to be poor my whole life. Having to work 6-8 hours a day, and then trying to make something afterwards only lead to poor health. Sure, IT also lead to my success, but that proved to be fleeting and very very painful. I never felt so angry in my entire life. I had built something really amazing that was going to help a lot of artists and she starts sleeping with this guy? I mean, fuck you. Then I hate myself for being angry, for letting everyone down. So, It's not easy. I feel creatively blocked right now. I only have so much time and energy in my life. To really be a great musician... It needs 100% focus, but I don't have that right now because of all the areas of my life that need work. So, I feel confused. I don't know why God would be me and not someone else. Why am I this person? I hope shit comes together because, I am not sticking around if my life is just some boring mundane excuse for existence. "I hurt myself again, along with all my friends, feels like it never ends... here comes the night again..."

Yup. Everyone is coming into this place from a different spot in life. I was pursuing enlightenment because I wanted my art to be toetlized. I don't really care for material existence or survival. But, It's fucking real for whatever reason. So, gotta build that foundation. Having to bite the bullet though makes me scream and want to kill myself because it so fucking boring and grindy.

@Breakingthewall I want to be successful so bad. I hate all of this. I have a reading week coming up next week. I was gonna do a song writing retreat, but now I am thinking of just doing meditation, Qigong, journaling and spend a week out in nature. I feel grounded. I just feel, frustrated with external circumstances and these thoughts that life is going to fuck me up like it has for the last 25 years. I've come so close so many times to success, but I get in my own way. I am only getting older. I just gotta go through this phase of my life. My last chapter ended it catastrophic failure, I've been working on exploring new areas of life, building a stronger foundation for myself. I want to be a musician, but, it feels like a double edged sword. There are so many areas of my life that need work. These depressions have been with me since I was 10 years old. Could be my adhd. I grew up around a lot of mental illness (anxiety, depression, aloholism). Teaching Qigong bring a lot of joy to myself and others. I need to be patient. Arcadefire is my inspiration... Wow, I think wow. I don't know how to get to that level of musicianship. I feel like time is passing me by. I've put in so many hours into practice etc. But, I feel like the basics of life are taking up all my focus and time. I feel like my inner artist has died. I know it's there somewhere. I just, my head is all blocked... The ashes of everything now... "I'm im the black again... not coming back again..." I've been wanting to smoke weed again, but I am looking for a sober mind 99% of the time. I might smoke the odd joint, or do 5meo once a month. But, really the core of my work needs to be me facing my limiting thoughts, and living conciously with my sleep, nutrition, work ethic, finances, sexuality etc. I run these nightmares in my mind where everyone thinks I am a pervert, racist or a bad person. It's been torturing me and it just ruins my ability to envision a powerful life. I need to trust people. I need to trust myself. I don't really understand what is God or what is reality. The 5meodmt trips I've done seem to be pointing to something, but maybe that is just my Ego? probably. I feel a bit overwhelmed. But, I will work through it.

None of this makes sense to me. I get that enlightenment is possible. But, a lot of this is just words and ideas. There is not ONE bubble. I am one bubble ,but so have you.

Concepts vs actuality.

Make sure your pooper is clean

@Anahata The problem is I'll be too old soon. What if I feel like I've lived long enough? I think a lot of the opportunities I have had are squandered. I am not sure there is much left to do but this mindless loop of a wage slave. Life is complex. I wish the loving god made something a little more loving for me to experience. I've dealt with depression and anxiety my entire life. So much suffering. I just have to make it through this phase I think. I don't know what opportunities will come next. Life has surprised me in the past. The depression kind of de-rails me. I don't really trust reality enough to put my heart into my life purpose so I find myself settling and trying to make the best of the situation. I don't trust myself, my mind, other people or any source of information any more. It's all so limited and my ability to apply information I don't trust either. I just want to be Arcadefire tbh, and tour the world. But, I am this person. I fear I am going to die without having lived up to my full potential as a musician. But, I am like crippled by fear and movies of terrible outcomes. Maybe, It's better safe than sorry. Just stay out of the limelight.

Money

Ahaha, well. It surely seems more real than what is.

@Nahm Well, I am done with fear... If I am here I want to enjoy my life. But, there is so much shit inside and outside of me sometimes.

@Nahm Do you mean through death? Because, people talk about waking up... yet you are still here.

@Terell Kirby I do not hold all the cards. If you haven't notice, you have very little freedom. Part of living a good life is the relationships you form with others. But, people are lying assholes. Not everyone.. anyway. These are thoughts for my journal. Take care.

Yeah, the fact that we don't know how we got here, or know where we are going is a problem for me. What the fuck is this? I don't think another 50 years on this planet, with all these fake and lying people is something I can do. I just want to be a musician, but I am too scared. I just want to make music without all this stress and fear. Sometimes I think I would like to die, I just wish we knew more about it. I am grateful for being a human, but I think I could have played my cards better when I was 15. Now I am 25 and I feel like I am just getting older and so much of my potential is gone. Not sure if it's worth wasting 50 years here as some mediocre neurotic. No one is really your friend in this life, that is something I am learning. From your family to your roommate everyone lies. Everything you think will make you happy either doesn't or is taken away from you. I am scared of things like cancel culture, etc.. I don't know what to do. I am so tired of all this responsibility...

Nah, Life is the truth. Your hands are the hands of God.

This is interesting information which, I suspect requires a lot of maturity to handle. I am sure it's easy for a devil to convince themselves they are acting by the hand of the universe. If it really does happen, and I have felt this love already at least in droplets along my journey. If it does happen, then it will be true and there will be no question. If that day comes when the Universe calls upon my vessel, I will prepare. But, until then I am normal mundane human pursuing life purpose and a rich deep understanding of myself and universe. I love the Arcadefire lyrics from their song rebellion "Now here's the Sun and it's alright, Now here's the moon and it's alright... But every time you close your eyes.. .Lies Lies!"

@Gili Trawangan Trivial

I find I tend to toggle between extreme optimism, but then this feeling of being trapped in space time to this system makes me want to kill myself. Reality is one hell of a fucking thing. Not sure why I as God am creating this.

Just reading some of it off this website, It seems to be pretty on about infinity and unity. I don't know if I believe any of it's setting but it's interesting for sure. https://www.lawofone.info/

Well, it seems like the truest thing there is at the moment.

This is so confusing for me still..

Delusion isn't something understood like that, just observe as you go throughout life. It's constant, nuanced etc

Online is just the connection point imo, then you meet in person

Yes, I've had self deceptions that led to metaphysical and epistemological error. I sense however, that my metaphysics was already egoicly skewed which led to this happening. Plus, it's such a radically different state... It's easily misinterpreted.

This is such an important episode. Couldn't have come earlier. Opening up this thread for discussion.