Thought Art

Consider talking to a good therapist over a long term.

Think about books as slow, long term investments. The more you enjoy the process is fine. I take notes on some books, don't on others. Find what works for you. I actually love the process of reading and taking notes. When I first starting reading it was hard though, but the more I did it the more at peace with my long term journey I am in etc.

We are humans, life is complex. Even your favourite spiritual Guru has things they would rather not be known by the public. Once you are here, you are locked in. The past is the past as long as we hold onto it. This whole aspect of reality is still a mystery to me. why?

I will keep working through it. I am having trouble reconciling a lot about my conceptual reality and my direct experiences. Whatever happens happens. For now, let's work on cleaning up and foundations. I don't want to repeat my mistakes of the past. I want to be successful. I need to relate to it more empoweringly

@Nahm Lessons in life cost you years of your life. hours a labour, career captial lost. I feel like the was my opportunity as a creator and musicians and now I feel lost. I will work to process it. I don't know why the resenment doesn't go away. Maybe it's because now my life seems to suck, compared to how hers is going. Riding on the wave of my ideas and hard work. In my ego mind, we were supposed to be partners working on this project together as I developed my musicial career. But she cheated one mean stole my work. Okay,... Now I am trying to find a new route. Really, I don't even want success anymore. I just want to clear my mind up. I am getting older, and the idea of creating some wild success or escaping wage slavery.. Not possible I think. Maybe I can build my own business yet. I just have to see it work through my hard work. I have some plans here I am working on. I really really wish I was still working on my last business with her. But, she really really hurt me. I do feel like just giving up and dying sometimes. Being an old resentful loser is not something I want to be. With no success, just reminiating on the past and hating people. No. Time to work on myself. Anyway, Doing a lot more meditating and journaling lately. If I am going to continue to live on this earth, I will make the most of it. If I find the suffering is too much, I will leave the game. If I am here I will make the most of it.

I am seeing the wild fires spreading across Western US and Canada. I feel a lot of stress sometimes regarding climate change. It seems like such an important issue yet with no easy solution. I fear the little I know about systems thinking (I've read a book on intro to systems thinking and watched Leos video on it) that we aren't as a collective going to be able to turn the ship around until the damage and rate of heat gets out of hand. I don't want to sound like an alarmist, I've seen Leo downplay the dangers of climate change on the forum in the past. But, I sense humanities survival instinct and selfishness wont be able to turn it around once things get bad enough. There aren't enough resources or fire fighters to fight the fires in US and Canada as of right now. The billionaries have their sights on the 'space race' and every single person in the social matrix is simply trying to survive and make the best the can within their own locus on control. In terms of systems thinking there doesn't seem to be any right place to change the systems. Peoples lives and survival are so intertwined with the resources of this planet it seems as we restoring balance is now impossible. I'd love to help out somehow, to make positive systems changes but my power and leverage and knowledge is just so small. I think we as individuals can influences the world and make it a better place. But, with climate, social unrest, and the social matrix's health de-terriorating with poor mental health, social cohesion, etc... There doesn't seem to be a story, or a plan or a movement that will get us out of this. I have heard Leo saying things like movements are generally for fools which I think is true. But, I think we as a human race right now are sitting on a gold mine with all the access to information technology and the possibility of automation. I want to see humanity get through this and to grow into it's next stage of evolution. I want to be part of the positive changes that need to happen in the world. I have so much work to do. It's hard to remain positive, to stay strong, to believe in myself or my vision when my skills are't high enough, my resources are low, my influence is so small. I wonder... I just have to focus on helping the world in the ways I am developing. I can't be responsible for 7 billion people. It's hard to stay motivated when it seems like the world is on a sure route to environmental collapse. I am pretty sure anyone with a brain can agree we are in a climate crises. The question is, is there anything we can do? Is it too late? Then I ask myself, what is the point of my life? Why do anything at all? How can I make the world a better place? Is it possible?

Some of his insights seem pretty legit to me. I totally get what he went through. But, I'd like more info He sounds like a new ager with an ego backlash perfhaps some big ungrounding

@Nahm I'd been enjoying the fruits of my labour and success. I find it hard to love myself at times like this. Loving someone so petty and full of anger and resentment... It's tough but It's what I am here to do. I will mature and grow, and learn. It's just, I worked so hard for so many years to create success and she has it. Bitter for now.

Yeah, seems like God shit the bed on this one. Why not just have the experience be tailored to suit God so God can enjoy itself? Why all this 9-5 slave labour, trauma etc...

I know Leo has mentioned this is the past, I am curious what you think. If God is selfless, what is God's will? To be totally loving and selfless? How do I differentiate between Gods will, my egoic will and projections?

@puporing "They heard me singing and they told me to stop... quit these pretentious things and just punch in a clock"

I don't find Leo's video on death making sense to me. If I commit suicide, or die of old age is the outcome of death any different? Does God judge you by the nature of your Death? When you die do you get to choose what happens next?

Yes, I've made a lot of progess with the book. I will return to it. I don't trust god, other people or myself. That book has a lot of great stuff in it. I actually use some of the exercises in my daily morning journaling. I don't wanna end up famous and then make one wrong comment and have my whole career implode. This world is fucked up. People are fake, like my last roommate. I don't know what it means to be a friend? People demonize you pretty quickly. when he left he said he was lying to me the whole relationship as and was never really my friend. And he called me the Zen devil.. Man, people are fake as fuck. You need to be willing to stand alone in this world. The forgiveness and understanding I will provide others, wont be returned. I don't need to rush into forgiveness just yet. I can be a real person. I need to stop comparing myself to others, just be present in the moment. I will develop a healthy ego. Or, I will kill myself. It doesn't matter in the end. Am I an angel or a devil? Both. I don't think God cares about you more than you care about yourself. Probably because you are God.

@Terell Kirby Hope so. Been dealing with thoughts of wanting to die the last few days. But, that is really my ego being deeeeeply selfish. Because I just want to play music forever. I just want to sing, and sing and sing and lead Qigong classes, do Yoga. I can build this life. But, it's part of the journey. I was actually like, super self actualizing 2 years ago... Then is all fell flat on my face. Women/ people who cheat sexually ruin lives. I couldn't think straight I was so angry. Plus, I was losing my balance in other ways. I put in all this work on our project with her, and she starts sucking some other guys dick? Jeez, well, thanks God! What was the point of all that hard work? And then my boss hired her. Just, totally ruined everything. I was so angry at both of them. It totally ruined everything I was building. She didn't respect me at all. I don't trust any of you. Humans are lying sacks of shit sometimes. Yet, I know deep down I love you. So, I've been licking my wounds, building skills, doing trips, going to a therapist.. getting my job prospects up. I am just so fucking creative the idea of having to work for someone makes me want to hang myself in my closet. All these limiting beliefs, fears, etc plus all the time it takes to work on these other life skills make me frustrated because I know deep down I have so much music in me. Like, SOOOO much. I worked my fucking ass off, and now I am so scared to get back into because it hurt so badly. I felt like everything was just ripped away, all the passion and love and it was replaced with this endless raging resentment and anger. Then, I am trying to wrap my head around Leo's teachings. Which, is hard to do because I only have my own direct experience and all my misinterpretations, and everything. Then, I felt like I had all these possible paths to take and the raging fear of picking the wrong passion because I don't want to be poor my whole life. Having to work 6-8 hours a day, and then trying to make something afterwards only lead to poor health. Sure, IT also lead to my success, but that proved to be fleeting and very very painful. I never felt so angry in my entire life. I had built something really amazing that was going to help a lot of artists and she starts sleeping with this guy? I mean, fuck you. Then I hate myself for being angry, for letting everyone down. So, It's not easy. I feel creatively blocked right now. I only have so much time and energy in my life. To really be a great musician... It needs 100% focus, but I don't have that right now because of all the areas of my life that need work. So, I feel confused. I don't know why God would be me and not someone else. Why am I this person? I hope shit comes together because, I am not sticking around if my life is just some boring mundane excuse for existence. "I hurt myself again, along with all my friends, feels like it never ends... here comes the night again..."

Yup. Everyone is coming into this place from a different spot in life. I was pursuing enlightenment because I wanted my art to be toetlized. I don't really care for material existence or survival. But, It's fucking real for whatever reason. So, gotta build that foundation. Having to bite the bullet though makes me scream and want to kill myself because it so fucking boring and grindy.

@Breakingthewall I want to be successful so bad. I hate all of this. I have a reading week coming up next week. I was gonna do a song writing retreat, but now I am thinking of just doing meditation, Qigong, journaling and spend a week out in nature. I feel grounded. I just feel, frustrated with external circumstances and these thoughts that life is going to fuck me up like it has for the last 25 years. I've come so close so many times to success, but I get in my own way. I am only getting older. I just gotta go through this phase of my life. My last chapter ended it catastrophic failure, I've been working on exploring new areas of life, building a stronger foundation for myself. I want to be a musician, but, it feels like a double edged sword. There are so many areas of my life that need work. These depressions have been with me since I was 10 years old. Could be my adhd. I grew up around a lot of mental illness (anxiety, depression, aloholism). Teaching Qigong bring a lot of joy to myself and others. I need to be patient. Arcadefire is my inspiration... Wow, I think wow. I don't know how to get to that level of musicianship. I feel like time is passing me by. I've put in so many hours into practice etc. But, I feel like the basics of life are taking up all my focus and time. I feel like my inner artist has died. I know it's there somewhere. I just, my head is all blocked... The ashes of everything now... "I'm im the black again... not coming back again..." I've been wanting to smoke weed again, but I am looking for a sober mind 99% of the time. I might smoke the odd joint, or do 5meo once a month. But, really the core of my work needs to be me facing my limiting thoughts, and living conciously with my sleep, nutrition, work ethic, finances, sexuality etc. I run these nightmares in my mind where everyone thinks I am a pervert, racist or a bad person. It's been torturing me and it just ruins my ability to envision a powerful life. I need to trust people. I need to trust myself. I don't really understand what is God or what is reality. The 5meodmt trips I've done seem to be pointing to something, but maybe that is just my Ego? probably. I feel a bit overwhelmed. But, I will work through it.

None of this makes sense to me. I get that enlightenment is possible. But, a lot of this is just words and ideas. There is not ONE bubble. I am one bubble ,but so have you.

Concepts vs actuality.

Make sure your pooper is clean

@Anahata The problem is I'll be too old soon. What if I feel like I've lived long enough? I think a lot of the opportunities I have had are squandered. I am not sure there is much left to do but this mindless loop of a wage slave. Life is complex. I wish the loving god made something a little more loving for me to experience. I've dealt with depression and anxiety my entire life. So much suffering. I just have to make it through this phase I think. I don't know what opportunities will come next. Life has surprised me in the past. The depression kind of de-rails me. I don't really trust reality enough to put my heart into my life purpose so I find myself settling and trying to make the best of the situation. I don't trust myself, my mind, other people or any source of information any more. It's all so limited and my ability to apply information I don't trust either. I just want to be Arcadefire tbh, and tour the world. But, I am this person. I fear I am going to die without having lived up to my full potential as a musician. But, I am like crippled by fear and movies of terrible outcomes. Maybe, It's better safe than sorry. Just stay out of the limelight.

Money

Ahaha, well. It surely seems more real than what is.

@Nahm Well, I am done with fear... If I am here I want to enjoy my life. But, there is so much shit inside and outside of me sometimes.

@Nahm Do you mean through death? Because, people talk about waking up... yet you are still here.

@Terell Kirby I do not hold all the cards. If you haven't notice, you have very little freedom. Part of living a good life is the relationships you form with others. But, people are lying assholes. Not everyone.. anyway. These are thoughts for my journal. Take care.