Thought Art

I failed by 7 points. I didn't apply my study time properly this week. I got so caught up in studying life purpose material I lost the ball on my school studies. I also let needly distractions take me. ALSO, writing it too late at night when I was already tired and had just written another exam. Back to back exams don't work. I need to plan realistically and space them out next time. I am turning up the motors to succeed in the next courses. I have the time, energy and intelligence to succeed. I fully apply myself, retake aim and put aside my dreams for the sake of being practical and mastering survival. Dreams are for people far more developed, mature, disciplined than myself. I feel a subtle suicidal thought pattern, about how shitty I am and inadequate to life. I will have to pay who knows how much and retain the 13 week program again. FUCK THAT. What the fuck am I doing with my life? There is no reason to fail. I did so well on the EXACT same material a few weeks ago, only to pull blank after blank...? This is a painful lesson. I felt a bit self sabotage during the exam too, wanting to throw in the towel early. I had 15 minute left, and just handed it in.? Why did I do that? Do I get off on my own failure? I feel like I should feel more pain than I do. IDk Anyway, I am already making plans in my head to reflect and review what went wrong with this class. I will adjust, and course correct, say no to everything (like life purpose) for now until pass all my classes until the end of October. That is like 2 months, Lets just focus it out. Failing an exam, there is not reason for it. I want to hate myself and beat myself up. But I am learning that does nothing. Life purpose might be a pipe dream for me. As of right now, I have nothing to share, create, or teach. I only have to learn, integrate and mature. I want to master a basic skillset, get a decent job, and honestly... There is so much I want to do. I just feel frustrated by my lack of strategic planning, execution etc. I don't really care for my current life. I feel very constrained and full of "What could have been" I feel like I have squandered so many opportunities I couldn't see that at the time. Looking back I was giving so much in this life, but I have no reference experiences or the knowledge I have now. It makes me want to kill myself. But, then I realize that killing myself is just my selfish desire to simply have the life I want. There is no proof of what death even is, and if this life is capable of being shitty what makes me thing killing myself would make anything better? I just need to learn, persist, don't be a fucking idiot and get shit done.

They can be very powerful, but I don't read novels often

Something with programming or accounting maybe

I self reflected this morning, and am course correcting so I don't fall into this situation again. I have the capacity to pass all my exams in this program. I note the mistake, I course correct and I keep going. I can retain the course in October or November I think. It's unfortunate, but not awful. Mistakes happen in life. I am just like any body else, average and my success will be what I put into life. I love myself more, I will work harder and more joyfully. This is a technical field I am studying and I am grateful for the progress I made. I also learned and reflected on my values and how I wasn't meeting them, and best practices for studying and exam writing in general. I made many errors that lead to this demise. I have spent too much time complaining about how life is the past 5 years, trying to change the nature of this thing. But, in reality this life is brutal, long, boring and unforgiving. You must just put in the work, and let the way. Reality owes you nothing, you aint special and anything you have that is good is luck * effort and deliberate practice.

I think the biggest problem was I was tired, and basically instead of just doing the exam I talked myself out of it. I passed another exam literally 30 minutes before on the exact same subject. (we had to write two exams for to governing bodies on the same subject) Failing by 7 points, was my sleepiness and frustration. And yes, not preparing as strongly as I know I can do going forward. Fuck this shit

I found he comes around really well later in the video. I suppose, the video will be ready when you are. There's lots of other areas to work on! Personally, I like these videos I find them humbling. I sense being humbled is an acquired taste.

Wow can relate You can't save a depressed, suicidal or needy ass man. He will only turn on you when you don't give him the love he can't fully accept or give himself.

My mind always finds something to worry about or cling to. I refuse to live the rest of my life afraid of what anyone thinks of me. I want to live a good life. I've shown I have courage, but also a lot of fear and cowardice. I won't die a fucking coward. I might not make it as a musician... Reality seems to be kicking me in the ass... But, I will find some way of being successful and enjoying my life. I sometimes think about killing myself because reality is just too scary, to complex and the life I want seems too far away.. lost the the sea of missed opportunity due to my own stupidity. It's times like this I feel anger with God for giving my passion and dreams, but also mental health problems and parents who weren't able to raise me to be strong. I am 25, I am sort of young... but only 5 years of middle aged. Once I am middle age, I sometimes wonder if life is worth living.. I had so many set backs due to my own shit psyche and immaturity... working that this is very painful. I am grateful for the skills and habits I have to relaxing myself. I am the only person who can make myself brave, strong, etc... In the end I am just cosmic dust anyway. I am so tired of being scared of humiliation, or to say something that is wrong, or offensive, or crazy, or stupid. I am tired of ruminating on past mistakes, future consequences and worst case scenerios. I notice this often, and am taking more and more steps to clean up my mind. But, I just simply don't know what the future holds and I dislike that. I am learning everyday to relax, deeper and deeper. Yet, fear remains, uncertainty remains, long days, nights and weeks remain. It's hard as fuck being a human. Especially one with a big dream. I want to live in heaven, and I guess it's worth the ultimate price. But, then again maybe doing nothing and just relaxing as much as possible in my free time is the closest thing to heaven I can get. I think I am learning so much... I don't want to share it with you though. Because, honestly I am still scared of people. Scared of failure and success. There is no guarantees. That being said, I also need a long term vision. I hate living in fear, self pity, guilt, shame, seeing some successful guy failing or being caught in a scandal and then imagining myself going through that again and again and how awful it would be. I am working to reprogram my mind. But, my survival instinct is strong. Humanity, I don't trust you at all. Ultimately, a clear mind and free time would be the greatest success I can get. I would use to become a fountain of love. But, I would love to make my music a reality. It's all my heart desires, but I don't know if it's possible. Maybe not in this life. I still don't fully appreciate God being infinite and yet having to deal with the shit it dreamt up for me to deal with. Hopefully, death is amazing.. Life is great, but it's scary as fuck. Nothing seems like it's going to change that anytime soon. I guess I will have to just do it scared. Will I fail at life? I don't know. Life doesn't seem to care what happens to me. It seems I have infinite time to play around though.. So I might as well. But for now, I am poor, limited, weak, immature, unwise and scared. Growing... but scared. I don't want to work a 9-5 for many years. If that seems like it's all I am left to do, I will kill myself. I refuse to be a slave to something that is some BS job for the rest of my life. It's not worth being alive if that is the case. But, being a success also seems terrifying. I seem to be left to only options that are terrifying. Why would a loving God create this? I can see the love often, but sometimes I wonder.

I wish I could be permanently enlightened. Maybe it'll happen if I persist. Not gonna lie, nothing wrong with wanting something you have to work for it. Nothing will make you happy in life but your own nature...

You gotta change your own life not your number of 'year's

This aspect of reality I do not care for. I wish it was different. All I can do is work on myself. Do or die, or just live some shit life..

Needing tonnes of protein is a myth I think going to much fruit might be over doing it. Personally think it needs balance! Looking good

bot?

The difference between the skull and a preference is imaginary? This statement for me needs greater clarity and reconciliation.

I am learning the more I learn just how wrong I am most of the time, or when I am right it is only in a matter of degree or triviality. For example, recently I thought esoteric referred to inner knowledge, as apposed to teaching taught to the masses. But, upon looking closer at definitions I realized the esoteric is simply knowledge or information only share to a small group. It says nothing about it being inner work. The word esoteric can even be used in non-religion or spiritual ways as well. Some of the uses of esoteric seem to be used even more loosely seeming to point to something unknown to a person. So a subject could be esoteric to me as a laymen. Why did I think Esoteric meant inner spiritual work? See, I realize how much stuff I make up in my own mind and it gets me into trouble. I sense I have many years ahead of me and lots of work to do to get more grounded in truth. However, I found on wikipedia referring to western esoteriscim as a 'hidden inner tradition".... So I am not completely wrong about Esoteric meaning inner work. Also came across this definition: "Esotericism refers to a number of traditions, philosophies and practices, that focus inwards on the human beliefs, spirituality and wellbeing. It’s a very philosophical idea that gets us to ask the bigger questions around our own purpose and effect on this planet, from a spiritual perspective." https://theselfcareemporium.com/blog/what-are-esoteric-practices This is what i meant to me as well. So, there doesn't seem to be one definition. Not sure why this god me so rattled. Needa check myself! So, I am thinking the best way to approach my ignorance, proneness to error and mistakes with a loving open heart, and laugh at my ignorance and be grateful for whatever insights lead be closer to truth. I just hate the thought of sharing misinformation in my work. Also relax, there are many interpretations of the same things. I am also learning the applause means nothing with regards to whether I am making the world a better place or not. Because, look how easily fools applaud inaccurate information that serves their ego?

I just bought this Zeolite Clay to try it out. I am curious if anyone has experience with it's usage for removing toxins and heavy metals?

Maybe he is a person who want's privacy. I am sure he will share when or if he is ready.

Don't give up. How are you using your free time? Describe the 3 or 4 hours you have a week? That free time you have everyday outside of work is GOLD, for doing inner work. I've had my ups and downs too. You will make it through this. People are giving you good advice here! There is hope!

Being infinite is pretty great tbh. Everything in the universe, is exactly where it should be.

Maybe, your lungs are important for your overall baseline consciousness. In Qigong we say they are the commanders in Qi, so keep them healthy! Personally think smoking or vaping is not healthy, and if to be done should be done sparingly.

Personal Finance, Basic math, ability to plan and keep calendar and basic financial hygiene routines

hmm, best to trip at home or in a safe place

Well, yeah.. We are our environments to a large extent