Thought Art

My facilitator told me I did not fail. My brain feels a big foggy today, as I am going through my exam review I am realizing I am not likely to pass. I need a couple more days to review. I will use this to practice surrender. This course material is too nuance, technical, and specific. I am likely to fail. I can retake the courses in a couple months, and I will likely pass on my second attempt. I am not special. I am just like everyone else in life and need to work hard for what I get. I must overcome failures, set backs, and my own bad habits or lack of skill.

I think so. I am all I have. But man, all I can do is learn from this and continue to work on my life. There is really nothing else to do. I just... these failures make me doubt my ability to pull off a powerful life. To complacent, to distracted.... I really don't have a passion for accounting. But, I want these skills. I found this program very long, very boring, very painful, very technical. So, I don't know what the future holds. I am in a shitty situation. But, here we go. I will not rest in my current psychic, financial, spiritual, habitual, situation. Just getting started with the day. Gonna review, take a nap then dive into the exams. It's two exams on the same course. I don't really have high expectations so I am using this for the long term learning experience.

I want to live a passionate life, develop powerful skills and to be a powerful creator. If I can't I will kill myself. This is do or die.

I do NOT recommend microdosing for productivity.

Jokester. There is only until the of of tomorrow to write it.

Gonna meditate, sleep and study for a bit before I attempt the next two. If I fail, I don't really know what I am going to do. I'll have to speak with someone at the school and make a plan I guess. I need to remember that... 1. Failure means I am trying, learning etc. I could have just sat around smoking weed the last 8 months but I worked my ass off on something I found really hard. 2. I am only 25 turning 26 in a few days. I have lots of time to develop my skills and I don't need to rush 3. I am all I have. This bubble of experience is the whole universe, so I might as well be easier on myself. 4. These failures will teach me about my adversity quotient, cognitive processes, study habits, areas where I lack awareness etc. Part of my dream is to help other people through similar challenging emotions and to fine greater peace. I feel a balance from my Qigong practice etc. 5. Math and accounting is something I generally consider a non-interest or weakness but something I know I will need if I want to master life. I just need to be patient with myself, do the best I can on my exams. 6. The future looks very uncertain financially. It's a struggle living paycheck to paycheck. So, the only thing worth doing is working my ass out of it. I know I can build a powerful spiritual business one day. It's just, this survival stuff is not my strength. I am so artistically and spiritually minded. I am more naturally a healer than I am an accountant. Oh well. Leo says we can build powerful businesses... I think he is right. I know I will fail more on my path to getting there. The more responsibility I take in life the more my failures will effect others. Let's see where I am in 10 years. I think 1-3 years it too soon probably. I don't know what will happen in life. Supposedly it's love, which is all I want. But, there is a lot of Bullshit here too.

Yeah but, How am I supposed to feel confident applying for jobs when I fail exams on the thing I am applying for? I think of myself as having the potential to be very successful. But, honestly math, accounting, planning etc are my weaknesses. I have good marks throughout the courses, I did well on all the quizes, assignments and midterms. But, for some reason I just really struggle with exams. I have worked as a bookkeeper and I know I am good at this job. I can do administrative work. It's not my passion, but I see it as a crucial skillset for my wider success with my music and Qigong. I need to be able to operate a business which is largely accounting, marketing, planning, etc The subject was advanced accounting... I am pretty sure I can re-take it. I just need to relax. All of these exams can be retaken in the future. The problem with Payroll Compliance certification is that I have to retake the entire course if I fail even though I did well throughout the whole course. I can retake the diploma course in a week or something. I want to be good at my job and skilled. I fail so much in my life. I know I love myself, and I am smart in other areas of life like art, Qigong and psychology etc maybe. Failure is part of the process. I just, I look at people like Leo, or Elon musk and I just think of how fucking stupid I am in comparrison. I should have money saved, a degree already. But no. Stupid wishful thinking artist the past 4 years. This coming week I will do an inventory on my behaviour to see why is it I am failing. It's gotta be something I am doing or not doing. For fucks sakes, I am not gonna give up on my dreams but I wish they weren't so bloody difficult. I know I am building something to offer the world, I know I can escape wage slavery, I know I can build a business one day. I know I can do it. But, how much failure is it gonna take? How much working some shit job, making dumbass mistakes, etc. I wish I had more money...

It's interesting. I feel like my Qi is dealing with this really well. I just am dealing with some cognitive stuff. I want to be successful. I worked like 8 months on this school. I know I can learn to be a better student! If I fail tomorrow... I have to retake two 3 month classes to get my payroll certification. I will likely still get my diploma, but thats like 6 more months of work and 1400 dollars. That takes away precious time from my life purpose and money away from ideal studies. I know I don't have to be good at everything, or get everything I want, or succeed every time and that failure is part of life. It's just, I want to know I can do it in the long run. I know I can.. My body feels filled with a loving Qi that is filling my whole body. Guess the Qigong is paying off. I think my normal tendency is to want to fight myself, bully myself and envision how everything else will go wrong. But, in reality. I don't know what the reach of it is. I assume I failed, but maybe I didn't in the end. It was a 63%, which is not ideal. Also I told other in the class what questions I had and they seem to think I had harder ones then them. Strange. Passing is a 70. I had a 90 on the midterm.. I struggled twice now in this program with doing really well on all the quizes, midterm, projects, assignments and then missing the passing mark of the exam by a few points and failing the whole thing. That happened earlier on one of my payroll compliance things.

@Mz Hyde True

@Mz Hyde I just want to be successful. I don't know how much more living as an idiot I can take.

@Mz Hyde Thank you, that is actually on my reading list. I tend to be hard on myself. I want to be successful. I have strengths but I am also a fucking idiot and a fool. On Monday I will do my adversity quotient and guide to rational living work. However, I also just got temporally terminated from work until I hand in some paperwork that will wake like 2-3 weeks to receive, and I am not doing well financially. So, my foolish karma is butt fucking me. I will improve... Or kill myself Idk which one is better option. I HATE how foolish I am.

Exactly, But, it's useful to steer the ship and have an idea of the destination or else, it's sort of.. not a journey? if you know what I mean. Personally I want to be very skilled at something and recognized for it socially and financially. But, apparently that is years away.

Leo has some good books on his reading list about this

This is all there is to do The fear is bullshit

Lol, noooo Use all the tools are they are to be used

Do your you stuff first thing in the morning before work, and rest after work. Rise earlier, sleep earlier This way also you start each day with something you love, and go to sleep knowing. you will do it first thing in the morning. Also it lets you just rest after it all when you get home. Hmm, You could lunch with them for like 20 minutes, and then go do your own thing. It's what I normally do. I read or journal on my breaks and lunch. Just, actually do it and then see how it goes.

Also the smallest heh It's true

Sounds like you have an hour during that break in the middle of the day to use wisely, and a morning routine to master. You also have weekends. You can may surprise yourself as to how much you can enjoy your job. Then, on weekends you work on a passion project until that becomes your main thing. You are young and have time. This is my plan. I happen to have a plan etc... I've done this grindy grind before. About to re-enter the work force as a payroll clerk or accountant, and launching my Qigong + business after work and on weekends. Why not Meditate/Gym/ Qigong/ Yoga/ Journal in the morning and use the lunch break to work on your project, and then rest and relax, read at night? Sounds like you have a good situation and ideas to play with. You Got this.

I am gonna have to digest this

@Nahm I think I am refering more to Maslow's idea of self actualization. So like, building your pyramid, life purpose, habits, knowledge, and it includes things like self realization, enlightenment, inner work, shadow work, financial health, mental health, unification of splintered ego, good posture, meaningful work, actualization of life purpose. To me that all fits underneath. I find the response you give in this way interesting, but it seems also difficult when we are using different definitions for Self Actualization, or letting it be a floating and personal definition, or not knowing what we mean when we share that symbol... a common definition for the context of the thread I feel can been determined through a socratic method. When it comes to enlightenment, etc I am still in my early process of all of this. Um, I am. I am being. Thats great, now I want to self actualize on my life purpose and get some juice out of this experience. I've built a vision of the life I want within the limited framework of being a human and life on earth. To me self actualization also include the actualization of this vision. To make the vision actual. To actualized myself from the unconsciously contructed false self into a conciously constructed false self, but also to be aware of the true self. To work to embody a higher frequency. To be clear minded, stable, sober, aware, liberated and functional. To be financial, spiritually and cosmically RICH! To me that is being actualized. To spread my wings and fly. Hey, let me approach this with a beginners mind as well. Maybe I am using the wrong words.

@Nahm How do you define self actualization? I thought it meant to make actual yourself, Is self actualization not simply reaching your highest potential as a human being? Whichever that means to you personally? It's not the same for me as enlightenment or liberation , or some non-dual no self realization. Not the same as self realization.

So would you say you are wondering without aim?

Also, you have more than one ego, so becoming aware of that and unifying them is important to avoid self deception, corruption, abuse, lying, confusion, bad habits, cheating, lack of self trust, etc

It sounds like your intuition is moving you towards this exact thing. The guilt is a feedback mechanism to move you toward living a high quality life. So listen to it, but don't feed into it in a toxic way. There is really nothing you HAVE to do. But, maybe using your privilege to lift others up through your creativity over the next 20 30 years and building a powerful vision for yourself, and working hard on that every day is worthwhile. Remember too, if you aren't making mistakes you aren't trying.

I think you can create a pretty robust definition and application of the term ego... On some level it's just your accumulated transference, memories habits etc So, some things are negative, trivial or pathological/ neurotic or devilish and other aspects are important for survival. Others are positive. Then Ego is just the false self, which you can't full get rid of... You want to use the spiritual insights of no self imo, to develop a healthier, selfless, loving ego. Ego is here to stay imo. Just, what quality of ego is it? As long as you want to be a human, your ego will be here.