Thought Art

I am in the process of building myself and my future. I am learning more about myself, cleaning up my shadow, becoming more responsible and grounded everyday. I often find myself fighting reality, wanting it to be different. I sometimes develop a deep anger at the way reality is designed. But, I also realize that had I seen reality more clearly since my youth and had the principles I am now aware of my life would be way better right now. That being said, I am putting in the work to set up a decent life and I have learned and uncovered a lot over the past 5 years, despite my many, many many failures and attempts at projects. I of course had many successes as well But, I also sense that because my main dream of being a musician just doesn't seem realistic anymore, I feel like dying. Everything else, though interesting feels like settling. I like my long term vision for though art, and I am making a lot of progress. But, existentially I wanted to make music for a living. But, I am so stupid and impulsive, and I lack strategy in my life I feel I have missed the boat. I am growing everyday, and I love my practices of studying, Qigong, journaling, meditation and reading self help books. I know if I keep doing this for the next 10-20 years I will have a great life built up. But, the fear of me putting all this work in and having things taken away from me, like they have in the past makes me feel scared, and I would rather just be nothing than face this fear anymore. Obviously addressing this fear is of utmost importance of my spiritual and personal development. But, I am just being open that I think about killing myself probably multiple times a week. I want life to be something that it isn't and until I accept that its this grindy, repetitive and scary thing where if you make a mistake you are fucked, idk. I don't trust God or reality given all the experiences I have had. It seems like life is so beautiful, but also so painful. I have discovered greater relaxation over the past months, and I am seeing my maturity, groundedness and mental health improve greatly. Yet, I am still wondering if it is worth it? When I see my failure to be the man I want to be, the partner, the student, the leader, the artist, the business person, the spiritual person I want to be... I feel a shame or disapointment in myself. I don't fully love or trust myself and I hate it. I obvisouly love myself and am fighting for a better future. I just need to hold on to brighter days. I mean, these days aren't so bad. But, I am just so scared of the future. I am scared of being delluded, being an asshole, harming others or disappointing people. I am scared of working a shitting 9-5, or being homeless, I am scared of being famous and successful. I would like to restart. I don't want to identify as being spiritual, good, moral, and expert etc. Because I am learning these types of people don't really exist and so much of what I thought people were or reality is, was illusion or cultural programming. I need to see myself as I am, but I feel like I am complex and have many aspects and layers to myself. Who am I to want to teach or lead others? Maybe in 5 years. I mean, I can still teach Qigong and share in my life experience with others. But, I am very imperfect. I am sure I wont commit suicide unless life gets really really bad. And, I think suicidal thoughts are me just wanting to really reconnect with source and transcend all this human painful behaviour. There is a lot of beauty in life and it is a miracle, and I enjoy my spiritual progress. Last night during Qigong I had a deep awakening in my heart for the first time. I know Qigong will continue to deepen as I practice and I am excited to share it with others. But, I am if anything a wounded healer who is on my path. I want life to be a beautiful joyful, safe experience where I spend time doing what I enjoy with people I love. Anything less than that is a waste of time. I am scared I am unlovable, or that I do not deserve love. I feel like the me that isn't held back by fears is powerful, energetic, smart, loving, creative, and inspiring because I've embodied this many times over the past year. But, I also have trauma, toxic shame, fears etc... And my psyche is still weak and lacks perspective and nuance. I run so many horror films in my mind about how the future will be. I am working to reprogram my mind. I want to be healthy, happy and developed and share that with others. To share in the journey of growing with others. But, I also would like to take a long rest. Seeing the brutal nature, the dysfunction of society and all the hypocrisy makes me want to die. I just want to sing, do yoga, Qigong, contemplate, read self help and share my journey and music and tools with others and find a way to monetize it. But, I need to be a person of integrity, honesty and maturity to make that a reality and I think that might take a few years. It only takes one mistake to lose everything in certain contexts... So brutal is God

There is a good book called "Healing the shame that Binds you" Toxic shame is probably my biggest internal obstacle I am working on!

@Nahm Thank you for taking that time to reflect upon my thoughts. I will let go of this judgement and embrace the beauty of being.

Yeah me as well. I found that I've mostly been pretty good at reading signals. But, I am sure I made some mistakes. But, a lot of men I know have no idea. Men are clueless about female psychology and body language etc.

I sense the main dialogue in pop culture is that it's mostly men who need to work on reading women and respecting consent. I personally know a lot of men who do not understand women at all, and come on to strong. Perhaps over text, or in person. I sense that, yea sometimes it's hard to know if a women wants the intimacy but also, its usually pretty clear if she is having a good time with you and she is like, kissing you first or etc. and you can simply ask her "is this okay?" "Maybe I give you a hug?" and then, not being to desperate and accepting the no. I also think it's important to understand the context and type of relationship you have with people, and to be able to feel women's energy and signs. I also think a lot of men carry shame around their sexual history, or worry they will make mistakes in the future because a lot of men don't understand their own sexuality let alone women's.

I felt the same way, it was a bit painful for me to read that. I wasn't sure what her tone was. I feel a bit vulnerable, or wary of upsetting women with this subject, but sense it's important.

hmm, I understand. I was hoping to speak with my brothers in this specific forum. But, I am okay with opening it up. I understand anyone has a right to post if they don't want to respect my intentions. I thought it would be a beautiful thing if Men had this conversation! But, yea, maybe it's best if it is opened to everyone.

@Preety_India Men please Good comment though. We need to explore this nuance. Something tells me it's beyond language and requires high emotional intelligence.

Yes, wait a few years and gauge you well being and mental health.

Have you read That last days of socrates? I feel like there is a really good dialogue around the term pious that goes deeply to show the relativity or, need to see how we construct what is pious to us.

It's part of the divine happening, part of the Tao. The road must go up and down. That is exactly what you will do! Make something beautiful. It'll be worth it.

I love you buddy, it's gonna be okay.

I am gonna say, given your brief history here no one on the forum should be advising you to take 5meo. There is a way out of your situation, though. We Got you. Set a long term horizion. Things get ugly before they get better. Begin on your journey towards groundedness and clarity. I totally relate to feeling frustrated about life and reality. I have ups and downs as I am facing myself and reality, truth, the unknown, my history of extreme anxiety and depression etc. You will figure this out. And it will be better than you ever imagined. Just, start making a plan and make small efforts everyday. I personally think Qigong would be great as an alternative. Qigong will help you lower stress, improve the bodies natural energetic equalibrium and give you something you can practice, explore and improve upon each day. Qigong is like exploring the castle of your body to discover new things. Qigong helps you Lower Stress more energy deeper meditation Discover your Qi or life for energy Develop awakenings into the heart, body, and nervous system Sleep better Improve back comfort by strengthing and stretching muslce and the spine in all directions improve blood flow to the brain Qigong practioners have on average something like 1.5 to 2 times average deeper and fuller breadths than those who don't practice... More oxygen is good etc Something 5meo showed me personally, or I made up for myself is the game of... This moment is completely perfect for me to feel into my body, to stretch, breath, relax and be 100% in love with what I am doing. Whenever I go on a yoga mat, for me I tell myself I have 100% just won the game of reality. "None of the thoughts I am having are real. How do I know? Because my state is hellish and full of suffering. I give myself permission to completely relax and explore my nervous system." By creating my own meaning I am learning to Win Totally everyday in small ways. I am still on my journey https://www.holdenqigong.com/ Keep getting professional help as well

@Bob Seeker Yeah, I just get a sense of inauthenticity or, competitiveness over enlightenment. I have biases, I will take time in the next year to observe him

I still can't tell if frank yang is authentic! He seems to speak about conciousness and seems to understand meditation. He is clearly fit and intelligent. But, I get an immature vibe from him.

I notice on Simulation the interviewer allows the person he is interviewing to really talk long form. He interviewed Rak Razam about 5meodmt and awakening many times and his content is very strongly aligned with yours. I wonder if it is a good match for you. I sense his audience is a match as well.

Hey, as you've taught me Experience is king Glad you had a fun new experience and I look forward to seeing it

People have no context. If you are just using the media you are like a tree with no roots. I think this stuff takes a lot of deep seeing

Interviews are new for yourself I think right? I know you might not do many of them, but suspect they are a skill you will develop as you may do more. I am imagining interviews being a balance of strategy, and trying to speak clearly and also... Letting go and flowing. @Enlightenment They might, depends on the newbie and their background. Me as a newbie (which I still am) just consume everything

I understand

Oh, do you mean the TOE guy is a newbie?

You've gotta be kidding me. Your expectations are perfect. Don't worry about getting it perfect. It's a conversation not a Actualized Video ahaha I am sure it is perfect. "Okay, in this interview I am going to explain all of reality!" I love it. I think people are different. I don't think you can look at one video or medium and know how it will affect people right? I mean, some people seeing you casual would be nice maybe.

Glad you had fun!

it depends on where you are in life and your goals