Thought Art

It's not healthy. I still need to work on my success/ failure cognition. It may be meaningless... But I feel emotions. And I would rather enjoy the experience. If I have to work some shit 9-5 the rest of my life.. Or if I come to some kind of social ruin... There is not point in sticking around. I will see what else is out there. However, I am putting the work in. Nothing is guaranteed in this life. I've suffered enough for an eternity.

Yes, I need to remember that. I suffer because I imagine I should be this perfect, intelligent wise sage. I have aspects of this. But I fail a lot. I just don't know what the failures mean exactly yet. I also haven't had lasting success yet. I am sure it is coming though. @BipolarGrowth This is something to remember as well. I have so many 'rules' I give myself and life as to what is the right thing, or way to be, or how thing should be. Letting go of that and just going with the way is important. I sense I am doing my best.... But also I can do better. I want to break free from wage slavery, to help others heal their posture, trauma... To enliven their Qi and to feel better. To feel safe. I have my own process. I will improve. I must be patient. I can trust my own process.

I use Qigong, then I meditate 20 minutes. Then I lay on an accupressure pad. I think the pad amazing for relaxing. My sleep is the best it's ever been.

Paradox

I like that. Reminds me of Do You by Russel Simmons. He said something along those lines. I didn't quit, but I felt like it. But, hey. As long as I am trying I will succeed and fail... They both in the end are success. Just like love and fear and Love. I have a habit of talking myself into failure with these negative cognitive distortions induced by fear, self doubt and self pity. It's something to notice. I sense I did pretty well once I got to writing my exams today. Had I been less distraught last night, I'd likely passed both my exams today. Also, as I grow as a mature adult and student... I will simply improve as I go about life. It's the fear that is a problem. I guess I always have that choice. Love or Fear. I will choose Love for now on. And love myself when I fall into fear. And on we go until I reach the promised land. However, I may not even need the payroll certification, but it would be nice to have. I pass some of the modules for it. Just need to retake two within the next 2 years. Thanks everyone for your kindness. It nice to not feel alone and to have your words of wisdom for support. Much love. One Love.

I just failed an exam I worked my ass off for. Of course, there are questions on the final exam which were not in any of the review materials, and questions never asked to me before on the thing. I don't understand why facilitators do that. I hate failing exams... Admittedly it's an accounting program which I don't consider a strength or passion. But, I really worked hard for it. I had to work a week ago, and it set me back. How can I reframe, I have 2 more tomorrow which I don't feel well prepared for because I had to work, and study for the other exam. I sense further failure is imminent. How am I supposed to do anything great in life if I can't even pass a simple accounting exam? When these things happen I think I should just kill myself and save the planet the embarrassment of having my dumb ass around. Obviously that is neurotic. I think I can do a retake. It's just, I have really high expectations of myself. I guess I am seeing through all this I am not as smart as I think I am or something. Reality is harsh, feedback is painful but important. I am a fool, and idiot and I don't know what I am doing in life. I have strengths of course, but still. Man, How could I fail? I did so well throughout the whole course, had a 90% on the midterm and I failed the final. I hate it when they give you review materials that don't actually match what is on the final. Plus, admittedly, I could not for the life of me remember some of the financial ratios. I have no problem doing them but I couldn't remember the 8 ratios on the exam. It was annoying. Like I said in other posts. I am not ready for run a business for the next 5-10 years. So much foundation to build. Lots of failures ahead of me. If things don't look like I can really be successful eventually, I will just kill myself. I am not sticking around living the life of some idiot who could have, but failed because he was too lazy and stupid.

Leo needs to add an emoji with huge dilated pupils ahhah

Me as well. Hey, everyone. Just remember that what we are doing is Love. Whatever tools, methods, percentages work for you maximizing of love. I love you. Am I am just learning to love.. so.. Let's be patient with one another and remember we are all pilgrims on this path.

Passed this one with an 82%... I am learning that if I worried less this weekend I would have likely passed the other one which I failed by 3 points. Will take this lesson of neurotism, self doubt, lack of self compassion and improve. Looks like I am getting my diploma... I feel blessed.

Yes. They are great teachers. But, there is a life context as well people need to show up to them, there is a bigger picture involved in all this. They can also de-stabalize and confuse you. But they say what cannot be told... That is for sure. They are very important.

Yeah, I think we are understanding the conversation differently. And I am likely wrong and missing things here when it comes to truth. I am treating this as part of my process. Truth doesn't trump being a good person, I don't think that is even possible. I think Truth is unbiased... But, being a good person is relative also. But, yea I think being a good person with a good heart is the most important thing in life. I still don't have a pure heart. It's something I am working on.

Yeah, because God is a difficult thing to pin down. I've known I was God. But that doesn't mean I understand it or fully Grok it. If I had had the support and mentors since 4th grade when I was having mystical experiences things might be different. You know of the ox hearding principles right? I maybe saw the tail in grade 4 and now I am re-exploring things now. Also, I am not in the best state at the moment. So I will return tomorrow or in a few days I need to focus on myself and get through some work here. I am just sharing that: This work is really complex, contains a lot of facets. As we go about using various tools for spiritual and personal growth we need to be honest about how important they are. I am an advocate for mental heal, psychedelics, relaxation love etc, But, I just know too much to think that psychedelics are the best tool. It's relative. Different psychedelics have different affects, and after you awaken there is still of a low of spiritual labour involved. I guess, I am saying again... Keep your eye on the big picture. The territory is massive.

They are really great. But, they can't be the only thing you do. They bolster, feed and lubricate everything else. They will show you Love, forgiveness, insights into reality to never saw. I am still learning about them. This is just a thread I am making to counter my normal thoughts about them. I am developing my own unique understanding of all these tools. I advocate for proper use of these tools for enlightenment and spiritual growth. But, they also have dangers and require a lot of other tools and things to be in place for us to get the most out of them imo. That really goes for any spiritual tool. Life is about balancing many things in the end.

You can be a good person. Doesn't mean you know what is True. Also, let's not be rude. I am not pointing fingers at anyone here directly. IF anything I am pointing at myself as well.

Damn, I admittedly will die knowing I didn't at all times. I am finding my weakness and short comings difficult to accept. I need to develop my self compassion and my work ethic.

No, serisouly if are unwell you don't know the truth. But, psyches can help you out.

Fell for this. Now, these tools do help and the science even shows it. But, they are also dangerous, and require a level of maturity.

Depends on your perspective

@Moksha Exactly, I think they are important but they seem to take up a lot of peoples headspace. I am just saying, to expand and integrate. Psychedelics are great. But I also don't think people are honest with themselves about their own stability and maturity. Especially on the forum. Even I struggle with that because self knowledge takes time.

Okay, so you see my point. Also, life is more for my personally than just a spiritual path. Psychedelics make up only at least 10% of my spiritual practice (journaling, reading, Qigong, meditation, yoga, breathwork, deep relaxation make up the majority), and 1 percent or less of my entire life practice. Psychedelics aren't going to train your mind, improve your Qi, teach you intimacy, do all your shadow work, your delusional grandiose fantasies etc... Imo they can help. But so does being sober, in solitude and working on yourself. Or going out and getting life experience, taking courses etc. . If you think they are more than 1%, maybe right now for you. But, I bet things will change if you are seriously not using them recreationally. I personally don't think things like skills, finance, work life, your own business etc are separate from spirituality. Being a mature, clear minded person who is adept to life, who is sane, balanced, strong minded. This is all part of spirituality to me personally. I know we all have our own maps, and not one is better than another.

If you want to be safe, stick to low to moderate doses. Read trip reports, and ideally stay within what is already well explored. The less known a substance is the more dangerous it can be. I personally like dipt. but anyway.

Also this, Drop the dogma, drop the idealogy of someone not agreeing with you being against you or needing a beating. I am not against psychedelics. But, tripping alone wont improve your life or the world. There is work to be done. Don't get me wrong, tripping is work. But, its only one facet of a massive puzzle.

They are powerful, but they will not take you to the highest levels of life mastery and experience alone. They are a tool YOU are the other 99% and how you show up everyday. Don't depend on a substance to do the work for you. The state of a 5meodmt trip is a Total Infinite Victory. Perfection. But, then the other 99% of your life you can use that insight. Even if you trip once a week. What are you planning on getting out of it? I mean, these substance have moved mountains within me. Don't get me wrong I am no poopooing here. I am just saying you may like to be mature and realistic about these substances. You still need to train your mind, balance and open up you Qi, kundalini, self inquiry, personal finance, skill development survival, life purpose if you want to etc. I mean, you don't need to do anything in life. I am just speaking by personal experience. How can you have the audacity to claim you know Truth through psychedelic use if you are broke, depressed, addicted, confused, experience mental health delusions and confusions, bi-polar disorder, demonizing others etc. Your just a devil in that case. To me, to be a person a truth is to actually master life totally. Because, then you are just playing with toys in that case. To know Truth, is one thing. But to embody is totally is another. Truth is Love. Truth is in all things. But, a life well lived is the only goal that makes sense. Whatever that means for you. Whats the point of tripping if you are stuck in wage slavery, or are neurotic, deluded, have no skillset, smoke weed all day etc. They are not a big slice of the pie. They can be massive powerful tools for inner alchemy. But, they don't do the job all the way. I don't feel like I experienced 'God' or 'Truth'. It seemed Absolute. But, its also relative. It was very interesting. It was perfection, total lack of bias, Love for everyone, everything forever. So, maybe that is God. But so is all the suffering and fake friends lol If anything, 5meodmt or other psychedelics reveals to you the possibilities of life, the importance of spiritual practice, compassion, self forgiveness etc. But, it does not sustain itself or make those realizations permanent. I am discovering new energy and baseline states through Qigong each day that are really blowing me away. I still have years of inner mastery work, self compassion, and psychedelic use ahead of me. I am just saying, be honest and realistic about where you are in life and if the tools and approaches you are using are adequate and appropriate for the results you want. Psychedelics are powerful spiritual tools. But, what do you want out of them? I will use them again in the future, maybe even next week. But, they are no longer this special thing I thought they were. It's very amazing to experience perfection. But I want Perfection.

Everyone has their own way. I don't really know what other people experience tbh. I assume lots of people struggle with bad habits, mistakes, failure etc on their road to success if they choose to take a path of personal growth. But, some people maybe are perfect. Idk. Thank you for your kind words. You are right I am exactly where I need to be. Seeing as there is no where else. I will improve.

Just got a 62 on my certification exam. I needed a 65 to pass. Here's too 700 dollar and 3 months of wasted time in the future. On top of the certification you need a years of work experience to get the certification. So, it's really only a delay and It's not really a field I see myself working in long term anyway. I just want to get an admin job so I can develop more of an income and the skills to build my own business over the next 5 years. I am grateful for seeing myself try, and can show myself some compassion even though I am not meeting my goals, I am at least trying. That is the only way to learn imo. Not just sitting around dreaming, smoking weed with my buddies, talking about what I am gonna do. It means taking action, failing, going through the suffering of not meeting your expectations and try try trying again until you get it. I KNOW in my heart I can do really well with payroll. It is SUPER nuanced, complex, with so many fine distinctions I am glad to be exposing my mind to this type of cognitive process even though its not my taste or skillset. It will be important for my long term growth. There are more changes in the future to make amends. I will be very pleased when I pass this course again in the next 2 years. It's important I review my cognitive process around failure. I felt really rather confident once I got started on the exam. I wish they would show my what question I did right and what I did wrong.. They keep it a mystery for some reason. I am trying, and that is all I can really do. My goal is to learn, so whatever it takes to learn. I must just accept reality as it comes and do my best to improve each passing day. I do love myself. I have high expectations and I tried really hard. I am happy I got a 62 because that is 100% higher than if I had just sat around doing nothing. A 62 is a sign I will surely pass next time I retake the program. It will make me eve stronger in the long run. I might even be able to write a challenge exam in the future. At least I have quit smoking weed, am about to get my diploma and a higher paying job. I can be proud of myself for trying. This was a really hard 8 months with personal issues, fake friends, ending addictions, and studying a dry technical skill I know will serve me in the long run. I will use this to embrace more self love, and more patience in the future. I will become a better student with each passing day and wont give up on my future. My success in the long run is non negotiable. Gonna take a break and then write the exam for my diploma. At least I am likely to pass that one.