Thought Art

I am going to feel all my emotions, good or bad, healthy or unhealthy, harmonious or discordant.

“In fact, feelings are best regarded as roadside pointers toward lessons we need to learn on our path. Each time there is something we are really angry about or scared of, there is a powerful lesson to be learned. It is usually something we have withdrawn from in the past that we are now getting the opportunity to embrace” - Gay Hendrix, Learning To Love Yourself

“I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself” - Jane Eyre

@Nahm I don’t hate people. Anyway, if that’s how you feel. With regards to my earlier posts… I don’t wanna be 50 years old thinking “wow, I really wasted all my opportunities for success”. So, I’m getting my butt in gear. Other people might be fine with that but I’m not. I’m going to figure something out. Or die. I’ve got this life and I’m going to honour it. 1. Develop good mental health 2. Develop healthy finances 3. Develop healthy relationships 4. Develop big picture thinking 5. Develop a meaningful career that has a positive impact on the world But, it’s a slow slow slow process. I have no idea what will happen. My past has taught me things take a long time to build and can collapse very quickly. I can’t get too attached. But, I want success. I want it!

I want to practice again, perform again, hang out with artists again. im bitter, I’m hungry for material success, a blocked artist debt, I’ll need to tackle it I want an Op1

I would like to change my name to Engramn. This will be my journal, Engramn does Thought Art. (Engramn my artist name)

“I was staging life as a battle ground…”

? I feel how I feel ?‍♂️ when it comes to external success I have no reference experiences of being very successful sustainably over a long period. In order to grow there’s gonna be ups and downs. need to clean up my body, mind and spirit and keep doing so. Gotta stop losing money on dumb stuff like expensive courses And yeah, I don’t wanna just sit around in a boring mediocre existence. So, if there’s an obstacle… which there currently is then it’s me. Always has been me. But, then obviously I’m the solution. I’m not talking about simply enjoying being here. I want money and success. I want to continue to be a better friend to myself as well, more wise, strategic and creative. I don’t wanna settle. But, there are obstacles and if there wasn’t I wouldn’t be feeling as I do I would be otherwise.

I think I understand. I’m my biggest obstacle in all this.

But I am admitting. I’m not sure I understand you. I feel a wide range of emotions in different contexts. When it comes to money, career and success I haven’t had a real taste of it yet and there’s a lot of pain to work through in this area.

It’s very hard to make something of yourself beyond what’s normal. I’m facing a lot of resistance. I think I tend to want to move to fast, but want things to go slower and faster. I don’t really know how to trust a process I’ve never done before. Im wondering if learning to teach Qigong was a distraction and waste of time. It’s definitely helped my mental and physical health. So, it was important. I thought that learning Qigong and accounting was an important combo for building a powerful life skill foundation. Now I’m in an online course to start teaching Qigong online. But, I’m not sure if I want to teach it anymore and maybe it should just be my personal practice. It’s hard to know if I’m weaselling my way out of it or…. I want to be successful and well off financially and in my purpose everyday. I’m here, so I either make it work or live a shitty life or kill myself. I only got 3 options. Maybe deep down I just want ease, comfort and stability. I haven’t really experienced that. Maybe I need to get that down for a few years first before I dream big or anything like that. I regret paying for this new course. I should not rush. Success matters to me. I have this life and I want to go or my life I just find it difficult to see how my actions will benefit me long term.

Watch how he puts the bible as the absolute truth and gives it his whole authority. Very interesting after learning about Absolute vs Relative Truth and Authority through actualized.org. it’s insane how the mind can do that, get lost in concepts and gives its power to a single book. Belief is a hell of a thing.

@PurpleTree rent, plus travel, etc… all this eats up time and money. Really need your own spot. again, I’ve had access to these things. when that girl cheated on my I lost my vision and lost everything.

Thanks, I have no idea

I enjoy accounting because I realize that administration skill set and accounting ability is the one skill that will allow me to make my own business in the future. My lack of understanding around money, and administration and realistic etc got me in some trouble. I know in my heart my music is powerful. People were sending me thank yous, fan mail, telling me they would listen to my live streams for hours over and over again. But, I went through a set back and deleted everything. Didn’t know how to love myself?. Still learning. lost my footing there with my mental health because I’m a moron I used to write poems and had people stealing them as their own and people sharing me in poetry circles. I didn’t realize that I wouldnt feel anything. I need money for a guitar, op1, some basic recording equipment and my own place without neighbours. I don’t know. Accounting is good too.

If you can’t make money from it, in reality with 8 hours of work and a commute. It’s a hobbie.

Yeah I feel that. It’s up and down. I actually enjoy working as a accountant if I am honest. I like that I am paid well and it’s quiet and warm and peaceful. I feel mature and grounded in this part of my life. I want more money and stability. The problem is everything interests me: science, spirituality, music, relationships, sex, healing, god etc… I find putting myself out there deeply challenging. I love music for musics sake. It’s just this ringing in the ear and fear of hearing loss. Plus, all the suffering I just went through. I need to move into a new place where there are no neighbors and I can make sounds. I need money for gear and equipment, to pay for people to help me set up online stuff… it’s not impossible. Im working on setting up something called the Effortless Workweek but I’m going through doubts and ego backlash today. Come on God. Help me out please. Don’t do me like that.

It feels like I could have been successful had I been more mature and stable. anyway, don’t wanna complain and play victim. Just feeling down… If this is Gods will it makes no sense to me. soon I’ll be 30, even famous musicians rarely make money from their music anymore.

Once your 40 you might as well be dead. I felt lke 3 years ago everything was working out so well. Playing festivals, working with tones of artists, networking, developing fans… then my girlfriend who was my business partner cheated on me and it set me back in a massive way and took me like 2 years to heal. Now I’m healed, but very confused. Qigong has healed me in a big way. I need more money right now and I just got a new job. But took out a loan, plus have credit card debt and a student loan. Need to tackle these things. Was trying to invest in myself to start teaching qigong online but I may have been swindled I don’t know. the problem with debt and money is that it represents huge chunks of time. I feel like I’ve lost everything. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to be a musician or a business owner. i fucked up my life. I don’t know what to do. im confused about Gods love. Why? Why make me so stupid? Why give me so much talent and capability but then so much stupid and emotional challenges? why this tinnitus? Why my cheating fake of a girlfriend? i feel like I’m really musically talented and that that is my actual life purpose. But, God doesn’t care. God doesn’t care if I succeed or fail. The suffering it’s put me through… What can I do? I need to be realistic.

There’s no cure I don’t know what suicide is but it may be the best option for me at this point

Yeah it’s terrifying as fuck to have this sound

I’ve got this strange ringing in my left ear God hates me You don’t make money with music… I need to start earning money at this point in my life, pay off debt and build a savings. Music is over. I’ve got tinnitus and survival needs. I’ve got tones of fear, self doubt. im happy most days but I just took out a loan and I’m having self doubt it was wise to do. and for this reason I may kill myself. I feel like I’m just trying to make my life enjoyable and have a positive impact but with money and this tinnitus, I’m balding, I’ve lost my beauty…. It may be time to restart from square one. You don’t make money from music. I need to go back 10 years. Not get this ringing, etc. I’m too old. I need to be realistic. Living a slave job for the next 50 years and not having a way out isn’t something I’m gonna endure. I’m literally trapped in a prison. I know Leo will say “it’s all Gods love and perfect” yeah well some perfection.

A few years ago I joined some toast masters meetings but only really dipped my toe in. I am considering rejoining. Does anyone else here currently attend toastmaster meetings? I really enjoy the format and I notice that the more I speak on youtube, reviewing some of my old videos, and as I am working on my webinar and setting up my online Qigong teaching business that my current speaking skills just are not at the level that they need to be.

I’m making progress but my life could have been loved much wiser current focus is getting out of debt, not killing myself and maybe one day living a sustainable life purpose im disillusioned that my life can be amazing or that I could be a musician or artist 26 years old, only getting older. Feeling a sense of hopelessness today. I’m not wise. I wish I was 20.

Sometimes I don’t want to be here. I think about suicide but realize it would hurt those around me. I spent too much money on an online course and I’m regretting it. Bad strategic move. I’m getting older… why am I here?