Thought Art

Thank you everyone for talking me through my bs today. I think, first and foremost I need to improve my attitude and character towards life. I feel a bit bitter with God about the Tinnitus and just how hard i fucking worked on my music and how much pain I have experienced over the years. How hopeless it feels now.

@Yarco You make a lot of good points. How will you manage doing all those things? That is impressive. I have a diploma in accounting and payroll I got during Covid. I am interviewing for a job that pays 45k and then wednesday one that pays 50-60k. So, I will do okay. But, I am getting a second job to KILL MY DEBT. I am waging war on my debt because it's 9% over healthy levels accounting to the personal finance books I've been devouring the last 3 days. Plus, I decided I want rid myself of all my debt so my net income is mine. 1 year working two jobs I can kill my high interest debt, the second year it to kill the student loan. The second year I am still contemplating.. 1 year two jobs for sure. 2 Years is a long time.. Then, I will be 28 years old and debt free, 15k saved. I am setting that as my birth date. And the Arcadefire Graph... The early members were quitting the band and stuff because before 2005 they weren't making any money. Organizing people and having them see your vision is hard. Of course Win Butler has been there the longest he is the visionary for the group. The rest, are the talent! lol They played lots of shows for like 4 or 5 years before their sound matured enough to be able to play large shows. That charge doesn't even have all the 'member's because they usually tour with a massive band and back up musicians, Haitian drummers etc. They seem to be a healthy family of people. Husband, wife and brother and friends. They've been around for more than 15 years and played at a high level with a massive group of people. Thats basically unheard of... edit: Sarah Neufield still plays live with them in 2022... I really suck at managing people though. I have to work on that. Not sure if my band it dead or whats going on after this last festival didn't work out. I get annoyed because I know that if I was younger with the knowledge I have now... I could start again without tinnitus and ensure I didn't get it. I could keep my network healthier, I could invest more in developing a healthy character etc. I just wish I had the life purpose course in highschool.

Thank you. This is true. Right now, I am focusing on falling in love with accounting. Money is the real thing I am missing. Once I have money, I can do all the things... courses, coaching, therapy, substances, dating, buy music equipment and travel to gigs... So, I am slaving myself for 2 years to become completely debt free and save 15k. I may do music on weekends. But, likely I'll be preparing for my two jobs. I guess, I am just going through a greiving process. The TInnitus... the money. Eh.

@Ulax No, lately I've been pretty fine. I haven't felt depressed, or really that stressed at all that past month and a half. But, now that I am looking at my life and it's really dawning on me that... God has nothing planned for me. It doesn't care if I live or die, if I succeed for fail. It gave me freedom and a short life span and an aging process. You can't go back. This is it. You didn't invest well in your youth? Too bad. I just, existentially wanted to be an artist. Thats what I like most about reality. So, the thing I find most fascinating feels like it's been ripped from my hands.

@Ulax My mental health is fine. I am just going through grief of realizing my shit my life is now that I can't actualize my life purpose.

What are all are saying is true and my higher self knows this. I just, I hate it.

The best thing to do, is either be humble, surrender to the reality that God is a total fucking d bag and I have to just give up, focus on saving and earning money and my health and life long learning. Id love to be a REAL musician. But, God must hate me or something. Like, I can’t reconcile the love I’ve felt and the infinite potential of God with me? How am I god is this is reality? What kind of God would create this type of reality? Im 26, and according to Leo I’m pretty well doomed to be a wage slave. Why even live at all at this point? Anyway, gotta go take a nap and then prepare for job interviews.

Then who’s whole actualized thing has been a waste of time. The only reason I started any of this was to become a successful musician. Yeah, I want to be a professional. Have a real impact. Yeah, the chances are low. Yeah, I probably won’t make it. And, I don’t expect it to make me happy and solve all me issues. I don’t want to just make music an share it with some friends. I might as wel not bother making it. I want to be a real artist. You don’t get it. It’s not self deception. I’m not asking to be Justin Bieber. But, a professional musician. Having thousands of fans and making my art. It’s not about the people. If you make art YOU NEED TO SELL IT or how are you gonna keep making the art? Your shit accounting job?! Your saying true things. I’m not going to argue with you. I just think God is kind of a d bag. I’d rather not spend a whole life time as some mediocre failure. Just leave me alone.

This is why I have suicidal thoughts Why am I doing any of this work if I’m already basically a doomed wage slave? What’s the point of me living? Even Leo himself has said he would kill himself if he was a wage slave. So, what the hell.

I think though, maybe I am coming to terms with the fact that, after I pay down all this debts I'll be 28. Sure, I'll have 15,000 saved and have paid down all my debts and students loans.. But, am I too old? Idk. Is music a possible thing? IDk. Is life with financial security however I live it worth it? I don't know.

The LOC model is nice in that he talks about so many emotional states and how to affect your life and how you can move to higher ones. It's totally not.. like perfect but I like it.

both are just different kinds of poison. My friend offered me a coke yesterday and I said no. though, I still eat chips or instant noodles sometimes. So, I will cut that out of my diet soon too. Don't drink that stuff.

Leave em alone, they'll change in the next life.

Hmm, I like the LOC idea from the books. It's a finite model, I will read a few more of Davids books and then throw it away. It's just like an organizing scheme. Though the way he made it is iffy.

I don't walk around miserable everyday. This thread is a finite aspect of my self I am expressing to you. I just know, deep down. This is not why I am here. This is not what makes me passionate. I am not reaching my full potential in life. I am meant to create ecstatic art that heals and inspires others. I just haven't figured it out yet. I've been investing in myself so heavily trying to figure out reality. This marketing course, I think may be a good investment in the long run but, right now it's a waste of my money. I will pay off the loan and my credit card and save 6 month expenses over the next 12-18 months. If I work for two years a second job 25 hours a week I can also pay off my student loan. I'll be 28, debt free and have 6 months expenses saved up. This is the only thing I can think of that makes sense to do right now. Music isn't for right now. At least not yet. To live a full life, and not make my dreams real, would be a crime against God. or at least my heart. Ya'll act like becoming a successful musician is purely selfish. None of you know my values, my mission in life, or the impact I want to have with my music or art. It's not ultimately selfish. Whats selfish is being an accountant.

@Sine I want to make my art for a living and have an impact on the world. Ive already said I can enjoy the small things. But I know I’m my heart it’s not what I want. I want to live my highest potential. Im not waiting to “be discovered” that’s not how this stuff works. Like I said, I’ve already played festivals, had fans etc. But, I wasn’t ready at that time. I’ve put in the leg work, worked my ass off, I played shows all around my city and put in the work and study to make good songs. But, playing some free shows or whatever and getting paid 150 dollars is great and all. But I want to make it real. Look, I’ve never said I don’t enjoy the small stuff. But, do I really need to JUST experience that for the rest of my life?! I’m not doing that! I’m putting in the work. Stop talking me down from my highest potential. I clearly spoke about my four pillars to success. 1. Gratitude for my blessings as a human 2. Proclaiming my rarity 3. Going another Mile 4. Using wisely my power of choice and doing it all with love. Im working on these everyday. That being said, I’m not gonna settle for some mediocre existence. Ooooo, being an accountant like the billions of other accountants. Wow, walking in a part like I’ve done a thousands times wow. that’s all great. But, I’ve got spiritual and artistic goals and I’m not being talked out of them.

@Danioover9000 why are you asking me all those questions?

I’m going to be a successful musician, put my art on the map, make at least 3 millions dollars running my own businesses, have a healthy relationship, great place to live and I’m going to become extremely Awake. I’m going to also build a successful Qigong business. Fuck living a boring mediocre, broke ass, settle for the shit end kind of life. I enjoy the little things, but I can also get fucking bored of it all. I feel like I’ve been along for a very long time. IF I DONT WHATS THE POINT IN ANY OF THIS work???? Enlightenment is not enough. Money is not enough. I want the whole thing!

Buying books I have found better than YouTube channels. I’m reading 3 here all day and making so much progress on my planning and understanding.

Plus, I have just made a plan to work my day job as an accountant and then evenings 5 hours after work on some store or something. I can pay down all my debts and save 6months worth of expenses in 2 years of working two jobs. It’s going to be hard but, I’m killing my debt and saving 6 months of savings. 2 years is a long time but, I’m sick and tired of being broke and I’m debt. This will cut my interest charges and save me money in the long run. I’m going to pay my students loans, loan, credit card and personal debt. I’m going to war on my debts. Then, things will be more relaxed. I’ll be 28, and I’ll have learned a lot in 2 years. This leaves little time for literally anything I like doing except on weekends or sundays if I don’t work. But, it’s a sacrifice I have to make.

Lastly, I DO enjoy most days. I DO Enjoy the small things like my morning tea, my books, my Qigong etc. It’s just, I know deep down this isn’t my life. Being mediocre, working some shit job, not realizing my highest creative potential may be okay for YOU but not for me. I have one life. I’m going to honour it. This post is to representative of how I ALWAYS feel. But, I’m expressing an aspect of myself here. That I want to live my best life and create and contribute to the world with my art. Everything, though yes… life is generally enjoyable. Is BULLSHIT. The happiest I have been in my life has been writing and performing and recording my music. Im not interested in being Justin bieber or any massive artist. You don’t need to be to make a living that supports you. I want to make my OWN contribution, as Engramn. I have a vision and I make it fucking real if it kills me. Right now it seems I’ll get to the end of my life, and maybe I let things go, and get more spiritually developed. But, it’s more likely I am on my death bed looking back thinking “wow, what a fucking waste of time, I made no music and was a god damn wage slave” or I make up some bullshit equise how my mediocre life was somehow better than living my best life. No. Im making it a reality.

@jimwell I can appreciate those things. But, I’ve already walked in a park, seen a sunset etc. They don’t make me happy. Like, I can enjoy them but they don’t fulfil me. What matters most to me is being able to make my art. If I can’t do that, being a wage slave for the rest of my life you might as well kill me. Walking back and forth you work, again and again and again and again and again for the next 50 years? Are you kidding me? Look, I appreciate the beauty in life. But, currently I’m not living or able to live according to my actual desires. Music, making it and sharing it is what I want. I don’t really care about the validation from others. It’s an aesthetic thing for me. I wanna play large shows. Make great music, and share it with others. Im enjoying the process of studying accounting, I enjoy riding my bike around the city, I enjoy studying Qigong, nutrition and finance. But that’s not playing the best music in the world fully expressing my heart and soul to tens of thousands of millions of people. No, I don’t want to be as popular as any of the artists you’ve listed nor do I need to be. Just going to my shit accounting job and walking in a part on Sunday may be fine for you, but not for me. Im not any of those other musicians. I don’t expect it to fix all my problems. But, I’m fucking bored out of my skull with the mediocre shit in life. I can enjoy it. But, it’s not gonna make me happy.

@StarStruck I hear go through things reflect consciously and then let go of shame and accept myself. Getting better at it. Though, I let myself be angry.

All I want to do, is inspire and create the best music humanly possible I want to create the most beautiful albums and live performances the world has ever seen. I’ve been putting in so much work despite all my stupidity and shortcomings. All my fears, all my errors, all my set backs, all my suffering. Im investing in myself every fucking day, hammering away at this wall, this cage that keeps my heart and spirit captive. I’ve lacked wisdom and integrity and I still do in areas that matter. My dream also scares the shit out of me for so much of it seems outside of my control. I’ve written hundreds of songs, thousands of poems, I’ve played festivals, I’m hungry for ACTUAL success. I want to make music so good you can’t fucking ignore me. I want to share the highest beauty and bask in the process of creating and sharing it forever. What’s the point of reality existing if that’s not it? God, what is wrong with you if you don’t make this possible. You are worth so much more than the live you have lived previously. I am the greatest miracle in the world. (This is what God has told me in the book the God memorandum by Og Mandingo. I read it every night for 100 nights in a row.) The 4 Pillars of my success will be: 1. Count my blessing and live in gratitude 2. proclaim my rarity 3. Go another mile 4. Use wisely my power of choice and all things shall be done with Love. God did not create me to be a fucking loser. God created me to express the highest of my possibilities and to not settle for the shit of society. All the mistakes up to this point, God claims was not his doing but my own. For God granted me freedom to choose and to create my own life. God has given me complete freedom. But, also wants me to over come and to live the best life, to honour my life and to be willing to pay the Cost whatever it is to live an amazing life. Ive got to make my life real. I have not yet lived. This cannot be life. This is some strange nightmare.