Thought Art

I think though, maybe I am coming to terms with the fact that, after I pay down all this debts I'll be 28. Sure, I'll have 15,000 saved and have paid down all my debts and students loans.. But, am I too old? Idk. Is music a possible thing? IDk. Is life with financial security however I live it worth it? I don't know.

The LOC model is nice in that he talks about so many emotional states and how to affect your life and how you can move to higher ones. It's totally not.. like perfect but I like it.

both are just different kinds of poison. My friend offered me a coke yesterday and I said no. though, I still eat chips or instant noodles sometimes. So, I will cut that out of my diet soon too. Don't drink that stuff.

Leave em alone, they'll change in the next life.

Hmm, I like the LOC idea from the books. It's a finite model, I will read a few more of Davids books and then throw it away. It's just like an organizing scheme. Though the way he made it is iffy.

I don't walk around miserable everyday. This thread is a finite aspect of my self I am expressing to you. I just know, deep down. This is not why I am here. This is not what makes me passionate. I am not reaching my full potential in life. I am meant to create ecstatic art that heals and inspires others. I just haven't figured it out yet. I've been investing in myself so heavily trying to figure out reality. This marketing course, I think may be a good investment in the long run but, right now it's a waste of my money. I will pay off the loan and my credit card and save 6 month expenses over the next 12-18 months. If I work for two years a second job 25 hours a week I can also pay off my student loan. I'll be 28, debt free and have 6 months expenses saved up. This is the only thing I can think of that makes sense to do right now. Music isn't for right now. At least not yet. To live a full life, and not make my dreams real, would be a crime against God. or at least my heart. Ya'll act like becoming a successful musician is purely selfish. None of you know my values, my mission in life, or the impact I want to have with my music or art. It's not ultimately selfish. Whats selfish is being an accountant.

@Sine I want to make my art for a living and have an impact on the world. Ive already said I can enjoy the small things. But I know I’m my heart it’s not what I want. I want to live my highest potential. Im not waiting to “be discovered” that’s not how this stuff works. Like I said, I’ve already played festivals, had fans etc. But, I wasn’t ready at that time. I’ve put in the leg work, worked my ass off, I played shows all around my city and put in the work and study to make good songs. But, playing some free shows or whatever and getting paid 150 dollars is great and all. But I want to make it real. Look, I’ve never said I don’t enjoy the small stuff. But, do I really need to JUST experience that for the rest of my life?! I’m not doing that! I’m putting in the work. Stop talking me down from my highest potential. I clearly spoke about my four pillars to success. 1. Gratitude for my blessings as a human 2. Proclaiming my rarity 3. Going another Mile 4. Using wisely my power of choice and doing it all with love. Im working on these everyday. That being said, I’m not gonna settle for some mediocre existence. Ooooo, being an accountant like the billions of other accountants. Wow, walking in a part like I’ve done a thousands times wow. that’s all great. But, I’ve got spiritual and artistic goals and I’m not being talked out of them.

@Danioover9000 why are you asking me all those questions?

I’m going to be a successful musician, put my art on the map, make at least 3 millions dollars running my own businesses, have a healthy relationship, great place to live and I’m going to become extremely Awake. I’m going to also build a successful Qigong business. Fuck living a boring mediocre, broke ass, settle for the shit end kind of life. I enjoy the little things, but I can also get fucking bored of it all. I feel like I’ve been along for a very long time. IF I DONT WHATS THE POINT IN ANY OF THIS work???? Enlightenment is not enough. Money is not enough. I want the whole thing!

Buying books I have found better than YouTube channels. I’m reading 3 here all day and making so much progress on my planning and understanding.

Plus, I have just made a plan to work my day job as an accountant and then evenings 5 hours after work on some store or something. I can pay down all my debts and save 6months worth of expenses in 2 years of working two jobs. It’s going to be hard but, I’m killing my debt and saving 6 months of savings. 2 years is a long time but, I’m sick and tired of being broke and I’m debt. This will cut my interest charges and save me money in the long run. I’m going to pay my students loans, loan, credit card and personal debt. I’m going to war on my debts. Then, things will be more relaxed. I’ll be 28, and I’ll have learned a lot in 2 years. This leaves little time for literally anything I like doing except on weekends or sundays if I don’t work. But, it’s a sacrifice I have to make.

Lastly, I DO enjoy most days. I DO Enjoy the small things like my morning tea, my books, my Qigong etc. It’s just, I know deep down this isn’t my life. Being mediocre, working some shit job, not realizing my highest creative potential may be okay for YOU but not for me. I have one life. I’m going to honour it. This post is to representative of how I ALWAYS feel. But, I’m expressing an aspect of myself here. That I want to live my best life and create and contribute to the world with my art. Everything, though yes… life is generally enjoyable. Is BULLSHIT. The happiest I have been in my life has been writing and performing and recording my music. Im not interested in being Justin bieber or any massive artist. You don’t need to be to make a living that supports you. I want to make my OWN contribution, as Engramn. I have a vision and I make it fucking real if it kills me. Right now it seems I’ll get to the end of my life, and maybe I let things go, and get more spiritually developed. But, it’s more likely I am on my death bed looking back thinking “wow, what a fucking waste of time, I made no music and was a god damn wage slave” or I make up some bullshit equise how my mediocre life was somehow better than living my best life. No. Im making it a reality.

@jimwell I can appreciate those things. But, I’ve already walked in a park, seen a sunset etc. They don’t make me happy. Like, I can enjoy them but they don’t fulfil me. What matters most to me is being able to make my art. If I can’t do that, being a wage slave for the rest of my life you might as well kill me. Walking back and forth you work, again and again and again and again and again for the next 50 years? Are you kidding me? Look, I appreciate the beauty in life. But, currently I’m not living or able to live according to my actual desires. Music, making it and sharing it is what I want. I don’t really care about the validation from others. It’s an aesthetic thing for me. I wanna play large shows. Make great music, and share it with others. Im enjoying the process of studying accounting, I enjoy riding my bike around the city, I enjoy studying Qigong, nutrition and finance. But that’s not playing the best music in the world fully expressing my heart and soul to tens of thousands of millions of people. No, I don’t want to be as popular as any of the artists you’ve listed nor do I need to be. Just going to my shit accounting job and walking in a part on Sunday may be fine for you, but not for me. Im not any of those other musicians. I don’t expect it to fix all my problems. But, I’m fucking bored out of my skull with the mediocre shit in life. I can enjoy it. But, it’s not gonna make me happy.

@StarStruck I hear go through things reflect consciously and then let go of shame and accept myself. Getting better at it. Though, I let myself be angry.

All I want to do, is inspire and create the best music humanly possible I want to create the most beautiful albums and live performances the world has ever seen. I’ve been putting in so much work despite all my stupidity and shortcomings. All my fears, all my errors, all my set backs, all my suffering. Im investing in myself every fucking day, hammering away at this wall, this cage that keeps my heart and spirit captive. I’ve lacked wisdom and integrity and I still do in areas that matter. My dream also scares the shit out of me for so much of it seems outside of my control. I’ve written hundreds of songs, thousands of poems, I’ve played festivals, I’m hungry for ACTUAL success. I want to make music so good you can’t fucking ignore me. I want to share the highest beauty and bask in the process of creating and sharing it forever. What’s the point of reality existing if that’s not it? God, what is wrong with you if you don’t make this possible. You are worth so much more than the live you have lived previously. I am the greatest miracle in the world. (This is what God has told me in the book the God memorandum by Og Mandingo. I read it every night for 100 nights in a row.) The 4 Pillars of my success will be: 1. Count my blessing and live in gratitude 2. proclaim my rarity 3. Go another mile 4. Use wisely my power of choice and all things shall be done with Love. God did not create me to be a fucking loser. God created me to express the highest of my possibilities and to not settle for the shit of society. All the mistakes up to this point, God claims was not his doing but my own. For God granted me freedom to choose and to create my own life. God has given me complete freedom. But, also wants me to over come and to live the best life, to honour my life and to be willing to pay the Cost whatever it is to live an amazing life. Ive got to make my life real. I have not yet lived. This cannot be life. This is some strange nightmare.

If I’m not incredibly rich, spiritually developed and creative then… this has all been a big waste of time. So, I’ve only got one option: Make it real. If that’s not possible God take me.

Sure maybe only 1% make it as a musician. But what is the point of studying all this material if I can’t be one of those 1% fuck the 99% of failures. I want the real thing.

All I really wanted was to be a musician. That’s it. God has infinite creative potential and created me? WHY? tell me why? What’s the point? Don’t you have something better to do than create an animal that gets tinnitus. That’s has to do all this garbage to survive? Why are you wasting my time with all this? Just make the experience enjoyable. It’s not that hard. Sure, I can fix my situation but it’ll take years and then I’ll be old. Is that all I’m looking forward to? GETTING OLD? Getting old and just scraping by? Thinking of what could have been? Im gonna journal, visualize and work my ass off. I refuse to live some mediocre existence. This is between me and God. I’ve got a bone to pick with consciousness. I refuse to be broke, I refuse to spend all my days doing some shit job. This is do or die. I’m either going to build a good life or I’m going to kill myself. There is no other option. I have music to make and to share. If I can’t do that then God smite me down right fucking now! I’m not going to live some mediocre existence. I don't wanna work in a building downtown No, I don't wanna work in a building downtown I don't know what I'm gonna do 'Cause the planes keep crashing, always two by two I don't wanna work in a building downtown No, I don't wanna see when the planes hit the ground [Verse 2] I don't wanna work in a building downtown I don't wanna work in a building downtown Parking their cars in the underground Their voices when they scream, well, they make no sound I wanna see the cities rust And the trouble makers riding on the back of the bus [Verse 3] Dear God, I'm a good Christian man In your glory, I know you understand That you gotta work hard and you gotta get paid My girl's thirteen but she don't act her age She can sing like a bird in a cage Oh Lord, if you could see her when she's up on that stage [Verse 4] You know that I'm a God-fearing man You know that I'm a God-fearing man Well, I just gotta know if it's part of your plan To seat my daughters there by your right hand I know that you'll do what is right, Lord For they are the lanterns, and you are the light [Chorus] Now I'm overcome By the light of day My lips are near but my heart is far away Tell me what to say I'll be your mouthpiece [Verse 5] Into the light of a bridge that burns As I drive from the city with the money that I earned Into the dark of a starless sky I'm staring into nothing and I'm asking you why: Lord, let me make her a star So the world can see who you really are [Verse 6] Little girl, you're old enough to understand That you'll always be a stranger in a strange, strange land The men are gonna come while you're fast asleep So you better just stay close and hold on to me If my little mocking bird don't sing Well, then daddy won't buy her no diamond ring [Verse 7] Dear God, would you send me a child? Oh God, would you send me a child? 'Cause I wanna put it up on the TV screen So the world can see what your true word means Lord, would you send me a sign 'Cause I just gotta know if I'm wasting my time? [Chorus] Now I'm overcome By the light of day My lips are near but my heart is far away Now the war is won And how come nothing tastes good? [Verse 8] Oh, you're such a sensitive child You know, you're such a sensitive child I know you're tired but it's alright I just need you to sing for me tonight You're gonna have your day in the sun; You know God loves the sensitive ones [Verse 9] Oh, my little bird in a cage Oh, my little bird in a cage I need you to get up for me, up on that stage And show the men that you're old for your age Now ain't the time for fear But if you don't take it, it will disappear [Verse 10] Oh! My little mockingbird sing! Oh! My little mockingbird sing! I need you to get up on that stage for me, honey And show the men it's not about the money Wanna hold a mirror up to the world So that they can see themselves inside my little girl [Verse 10] Do you know where I was at your age? Any idea where I was at your age? I was working downtown for the minimum wage And I'm not gonna let you just throw it all away I'm through being cute, I'm through being nice Oh, tell me Lord, am I the Antichrist?

@jimwell Yes, I think this is the case. Partly why God is an asshole. Im focusing on my money for the next few years and then developing a deeply spiritual and healthy life and relationships. Music ain’t gonna happen. Tinnitus does NOT heal. Im learning that Gods creation is inherently brutal. It’s slow and the suffering potential is immense. When this is the case a “Life Purpose” for many people is a thing of luxury. For the next 5 years (age 26-31) I’m focusing on earning more money, paying down debts and building a healthy savings. Basically surviving like a fucking animal. Why? Because I’m a fucking moron who didn’t plan properly. It’s for this reason I don’t know which is better. Life or not life? But, I’m living in a principle to honour the life regardless of how fucking shitty it is. I’m taking it on as a challenge and I will have some free time to study etc. But, right now my life sucks and ive got to surrender my MAIN REASON FOR BEING ALIVE in order to LIVE. which means I’m going through a death and rebirth. I really just want to be wealthy. I’ve got the spiritual maps etc. Now just need to be wealthy and I don’t care how I do it. Money, I’m fucking coming for you. God, I know your potential for love is infinite. Why did you give me tinnitus and all my idiocy? I’m just hoping this hard work pays off. How dare you give me a dream and not the means to make it real? How dare you.

I think after all is said and done I’m just trying to enjoy life. So far every time I try to become successful at something I get stressed, have a bunch of failures and everything takes so long. On days like this, I feel confused, hopeless, frustrated, defeated, uninspired, ungrateful, broke, un-talented etc. There is so much potential potential beauty in life but tapping into the real richness of it takes time

Hi, So, I’m realizing one of my biggest limiting beliefs, or areas of development is my ability to work with and lead others. For example, for my band Engramn I found two professionally trained music graduates to play in my band. But, I am not that good at communicating. I think I say too much at once, or maybe I’m not the most organized with that project right now as I’ve been focusing on my accounting job and Qigong business. I am committing to improving my interpersonal skills. I just got off the phone with my drummer and he gave me some really good advice about communication, leadership, trusting others etc after a failed festival this weekend where my ride bailed and so I had to cancel the show. I think the cancellation could have been avoided had I had a better mind set and more experience working with others. He invited me to a show tonight which I will go to, and another one tomorrow. I think this will give me more experience of being around others in the music scene which I really lack currently. Human relationships is one of my top values but at times one of my biggest weaknesses and areas that needs improvement. Has anyone here struggled with this sort of thing and made a lot of headway? Love to hear your feedback. Peace

I think it’s more about just being conscious and friendly. I don’t need to control anything or manipulate anyone.

I don't really wanna bitch and moan. Maybe, I should just give up for now and pursue accounting. I struggle to see why anyone would pay me for music or Qigong when its so readily available and free.

@StarStruck David R Hawkins is his name. Yeah, I also struggle with this in business and in dating sometimes. The best thing to do is just let go of the shame and guilt. It doesn't really matter, try again but just enjoy the moment.