I’m going to try to make this concise.
Basically, my mom has dealt with mental problems like depression and anxiety for basically all of her life. I know that it’s harder for her to do certain things than it is for me. But today we got into an argument. She told me that she started seeing her therapist once a month instead of once a week, which it was before.
Because I want her to be happy, something which I’ve only ever witnessed for brief moments, or if I was lucky a whole day, like on Christmas, I asked her why. She said it’s because she’s getting by now. I asked her if she wants to get by or be happy. She didn’t answer, but instead we ended up in an argument.
This is not the first time we’ve had arguments about this topic. A part of me feels resentment that I know I shouldn’t feel because I’ve always felt like she could try harder than she does to be happy, if not for her, than for her children. But she’s done a better job at raising me than her mother did her. So when I think about that, I feel like I shouldn’t complain. But honestly, that’s not the only reason. I want to see her happy. Because it would make me feel good, and because that could mean that we could actually have a good relationship. (I know those reasons sound selfish, but if we’re all being honest with ourselves and take a moment to think about it, what thing that we want is not wanted for selfish reasons to some extent? Even the ones that sound selfless.)
Anyway, I’m tired of hoping she’ll want to put effort into feeling better. But I cried an smoked a cigarette after that argument for the first time in a very long time. Because it’s sad to think about leaving her behind and ceasing to care about how she feels in order to conserve my own mental energy.
So I’m here to ask what you all think of this. Have any of you experience the same, or something similar? What did you do? How do you think I should go about not being sad that my mom isn’t motivated to ever become happy. That she’s going to go through bouts of getting by and depression for the rest of her life, and I won’t ever be able to have a healthy relationship with her?
I’d really appreciate hearing your thoughts, opinions and advice.
