Logan

Meditation will help to a degree. I recommend contemplation as well. Watch Leo’s vids on it.

You are asking the right questions. You should try to answer them for yourself though. You should start a contemplation practice. You don’t need to learn concepts from other people, you need more depth of understanding of yourself. You have to take action and do the dirty work. Look up the definition of shame in the dictionary. Then question it. Your shame is your own personal story which no one else can tell you. You have to investigate your own mind and self reflect. I recommend doing a contemplation journal. You’d need a pad of paper, a pen, and a timer. Pick a subject you want to understand better, then form it as a question on the paper. Then set your timer for 30-60 minutes thinking deeply about it. Keep doing this until you have an insight which will lead to another question. Then contemplate that one. It will likely be rooted in a childhood trauma. Don’t try to answer logically. Just keep repeating the question in your mind until something spontaneously comes up. Ex. Where does my shame stem from? School bully made fun of my hat. Is this person’s opinion valid? Were they just insecure them self and tried bring me down to their level? Etc. etc. on and on until you no longer feel shame. You may have many sources of shame so continue looking around and find them all and root them out.

Maynard James Keenan would be awesome. He doesn’t have a podcast but perhaps you could host conversations for those who don’t and then post it on your channel. He has a massive following with fans open to this kind of work.

Meditation my friend

@Hardkill Learn to love yourself before you expect another to. If you think you'll never find somebody, your right.

@Elham Follow your heart, not your head. You deserve the best you can get, so don't ever settle if you're not happy. Logic and Love don't mix.

@Flowerfaeiry First pic is from about 2 years ago and the second was a few months ago.

See Title

Tool - Fear Inoculum Pneuma Disposition/Reflection/Triad https://youtu.be/dUQjGpm5Kr8 https://youtu.be/4MzVuHqsNoM https://youtu.be/JAzLQ5aeAOw Lateralus Parabol/Parabola Lost Keys/Rosetta Stoned https://youtu.be/vvCM7Qig9qI https://youtu.be/qnlhVVwBfew Third Eye Right In Two

@Leo Gura I will do some research to figure out how to get started, thanks. @Bazooka Jesus Yeah it's tough. Perhaps labeling and then contemplating the dissociation could help. Writing always forces me to contemplate the topic, especially when posted publicly. Sometimes I post to get myself to take action on a thing lol. @Nahm Thanks for sharing, that clears up some of my confusion.

I am still a bit fearful about psychedelics. I have been watching Leo's content since the beginning (2013) and I still resist spiritual and consciousness raising practices outside of meditation and contemplation. I feel like I'd be cheating by taking psychedelics. Heck, I have a hard time even entering this part of the forum. My cognitive development is quite high but haven't developed my consciousness very far. I am still clinging to materialism and "science" and my books. As openminded as I am on a conceptual level, I avoid taking action on what I need most. I have been trying to overcome my issues without drugs, and it's just taking way too long. My biggest hurdle that I need to overcome is a social block. I've got a cloud in my mind distorting my ability to think and communicate. Imagine trying to recall what you ate for breakfast with a vice squeezing your skull. I can't think clearly when talking to people, and I have trouble forming coherent sentences. As long as I have this wall dividing my thinking from my spoken language, I come off as awkward, angry, or uninterested. I don't even care if I seem weird most of the time. I am very distant and actively avoid relationships and friendships because of this. It acts as a huge barrier for making a living and with dating. I can't be interested or even pretend to show interest in another person in my current condition. I cannot pierce through my own walls to connect with another. I lack the Self-Love to end my suffering. I have a split in my psyche where on the one hand all I want is to develop , grow and help others do the same, and on a deeper (more subconscious) level I want to be miserable forever. This is rooted in the deepest foundation of my identity, sabotaging me at every turn. So, should I continue chipping away at my concrete cell with a little spoon, or should I light a big ass box of dynamite and break out now? This is the question I've been avoiding for years.

I didn't mean I'd literally take a shit load all at once, I was just being dramatic. To your point, I do tend to use lots of theoretical life or death scenarios to get myself to take action which is unhealthy. I'll look into that. But just taking any amount and opening myself to this possibility would be a huge leap for me in such a short time period (compared to the 8 years of sober work I've done) that it would seem "explosive."

Daniel Carcillo, a former NHL player (he was an enforcer, aka fighter/big hitter) who suffered severe brain damage during his career. He developed debilitating symptoms from continuous concussions sustained by his 'tough' brand of hockey. He contemplated and planned his own suicide before he tried a "hero's dose" of psilocybin (4 grams). After two weeks, he no longer fit the criteria for clinical depression and eliminated many symptoms from his injuries. He founded the psychedelics company Wesana Health and is working to spread awareness and help cure patients with TBI's (traumatic brain injuries) and other forms of head trauma. Here is the article: https://www.fastcompany.com/90634350/wesana-health-daniel-carcillo-psychedelics-startup-tbi-brain-trauma

Watch Leo's recent Cult video.

Perhaps not letting fear control your life in specific areas is a more of an attainable goal for now then to completely transcend fear. Focus on the areas where fear is crippling your ability to take action and contemplate/question your beliefs surrounding them. You have to crawl before you can walk... Or make a big leap & take psychedelics.

@intotheblack I put a hole in my wall when I was young too. Luckily my sis had moved out by this time so I didn’t affect her the way you were affected. Perhaps you have C-PTSD? Or a Personality Disorder? I don’t mean to insult, I just relate to your experience and have had these issues after experiencing childhood trauma. There is a YT channel another forum member recommended which I found helpful called Crappy Childhood Fairy. Sounds ridiculous but give it a try ? I also recommend researching Personality disorders just to see if you experience any of the symptoms. I have had symptoms of these two: Paranoid Personality Disorder Avoidant Personality Disorder If you have any more questions , let me know! I am unfortunately a bit of an expert on this subject having researched so much for myself out of necessity haha. Good luck!

@intotheblack I am trying to overcome these same issues. For a personal example, I was abused and neglected growing up and developed scarcity mindset (leading to frugality) I have symptoms of Paranoid Personality Disorder & Avoidant Personality Disorder that I’m working on. My mom was alcoholic and feared we wouldn’t be able to pay the bills. She used my college fund to pay the rent. She would also drive me to my dads house under the influence, always speeding. We nearly got into several high speed accidents. I was also scammed and my dad berated me to feel like a complete moron afterword. I was highly dysfunctional. I also had a very frugal uncle which may have influenced me as well, lol. Lastly, I watched a lot of apocalyptic movies and wilderness survival shows growing up. Having scarce resources is a main theme in these genres and planted the seed in me that I might have to ration my resources or whatever in real life. Hope this helps you understand at least one perspective about “hoarding” money

Maybe psychedelics aren’t a great idea with depression and making big life changes right afterword. Maybe do a meditation retreat instead? Enlightenment doesn’t seem like it should be your highest priority right now. I’m in a similar situation and I think enlightenment in the short term will make things harder, given your situation. Have you checked out the life purpose course? I recommend focusing on finding your life purpose, your mental health, and your living situation. Maybe research C-PTSD and personality disorders. I had a bad family situation growing up and had some of these issues along with depression.

It’s likely just a temporary solution which will have side effects just as bad as the panic attacks themselves. I overcame panic attacks with meditation. Don’t fight the panic but be present with it and accept that it’s happening. The more you resist & try to make it go away, the worse you will feel. I suggest watching Leo’s mediation video’s and incorporating the habit into your daily life. I took medication before and it made me feel dispassionate, numb, and screwed up my memory.

No More Mr. Nice Guy

I am looking to do research into personality disorders and I'm curious if anyone has come across any good resources about the subject which I can study. One's I am especially interested in are listed below but a resource covering all of them would be great as well. Paranoid Personality Disorder Avoidant Personality Disorder Antisocial Personality Disorder

@Leo Gura How is the carnivore diet going?

Check out Leo's blog video: https://www.actualized.org/insights/requisite-variety-and-creative-laziness Contemplate the topic using a journal. For example, you could ask: In what domain of life have I felt the most passion and excitement? Am I drawing, playing a sport, programming, doing science, writing stories, telling jokes, cooking? Am I indoors or outdoors when I am most productive and creative? (Using a timer, spend at least twenty minutes on each question) (You don't have to use mine, learn to ask good questions and be open to the possibility that you may not have to rely on some outside source to find what you want to know, that you could find the answers within yourself if you really wanted to/believed you could.) Research and create a list of high consciousness values on the internet. Pick 10 of the ones that stick out to you the most. Then contemplate what each one means to you. Why is __________ a top value for me? or What will my life look like if I embodied this value completely? Research the people who have inspired you the most in your life. What were their values and what impact did they have? What qualities about these people do I admire? Researching resources is important, but if you can't think for yourself about what you learn, you are just memorizing. To truly understand a thing, to become conscious of it, you have to investigate for yourself. Whenever you find a resource, don't just take what they say on blind faith, question it.

Just continue the LPC. You are 15 years old. Just let go of the FBA and find what you are truly interested in. I worked in a field that I hated just for the paycheck and it was a huge waste of time and was unfulfilling/demoralizing. Find something that excites you. If you can't see yourself enjoying the work it will take to make a living in a given field/business, you aren't looking in the right place.

House prices have been skyrocketing of late: