Mindfang413

That makes sense, thank you. Ill probably get some tests done too.

Yeah, this. I understand and agree with you. I will try to really accept things. Thanks for helping to clear up my confusion.

I cannot feel or see significance of love. Which is basically the only thing that makes anything matter. Its what makes us, US or its what makes god, GOD. I have a really bad thing happening where i dont care about it anymore. I dont care about living, about love. The only way to see the significance in it is to feel it but when i look at it from a logical thinking standpoint, it just doesnt make sense. I dont even care that im "living" and "feel" things. I suffer yet i honestly just dont care i do anymore. Its so hard to see the significance in anything that is feeling. I feel like im the void. Ive descend into and became a void of unfeeling machinery at this point. I only exist now, im not living. Is this the dark night or something far worse? I honestly think im the only one whos ever thought love and emotions truely mean nothing. I kept getting moments of love returning, feeling good, then immidietly returning to this. Im just a lost cause now, i dont matter now, nothing matters. Nothing will ever return my essence. Im broken and the worst part is, i dont even care. Should i care? Honestly?

@Nahm yea, go for it. An outside perspective would help.

Im not sure where this should go. I dont know what i am or what my views are anymore. Whether im spiritual or atheistic or skeptic. All i know is i need to reach out because i am suffering and desperate to understand. To have a perspective. I need help. So here it is: I used to perceive everything as complete. As nessesary. That everything that is, whether universally or as life, made complete sense. I always had an inate curiosity and love for life and watched documentarys about animals and space and just liked to know how things worked. Suddenly, after certain questions formed in my brain, reality no longer made any sense. I had many questions, it honestly seems like ive questioned every question about reality thats possible and contemplated them all to death. But no matter how much i think about them, ive never come to any conclusive answer. Some pretty insane. But the most fundamental questions that started all this in me were these: "what is life? What is death? Why does it exist? What is its purpose? Why does anything exist? Is everything just mechanical? Does the universe and anything beyond only exist simply because it just does and for no reason? If everything that is, is meaningless, then how does life have any significance either if its part of it?" I think the question that trips me up the most is "how and why do I exist?" My biggest problem is no matter how much i glorify life or even spirit and how beautiful it is and any reasons i think it should exist, theres still the underlying fact that there is no objective meaning to any of it. Theres even no meaning to god if he exists. God has his own meaning i guess as an entity and creator but he has no purpose either. Theres nothing beyond god. And if we look at it athiestically, theres nothing beyond the universe and life. As a whole, theres nothing beyond EXISTENCE itself. Anything that is alive or conscious ONLY has meaning inside itself. In its emotions. This disturbs and bothers me to no end. I never feel comfortable. I dont even feel like a living entity anymore, i am more like an observer to everything, even god. Not to mention my depression is so severe, my emotions are stunted to the point i hardly feel anything and thus, cannot even see significance in anything. I cant even see significance of existence itself. I used to love everything. Deeply and intensely. I used to feel incredible fear and anxiety. Maybe i still have fear but i am just not registering it in my psyche anymore? I feel totally fucked up. I dont understand how im even here, how i can actually be aware of this moment right now, how i can actually see out of my eyes. Are there actually others outside of myself or is everything a hallucination? The others around me have to be having a real experiance of their own right? But why does that matter? I feel like experiances and emotion dont matter. I feel broken. I cant perceive my emotions, i dont even want to because i desire nothing, except to understand reality. At the same time, i hear things like "we love you" and "you owe it to yourself to feel better and feel happy" and i get reminded of my existence as a human. Its so hard to feel like an individual. I cant feel my feelings. At the same time i do but dont care about them. I just dont get this. I feel so numb and so confused. I feel great resentment of having been conceived and brought into existence. I not only feel it for myself but for all of life. It seems unfair for life to exist as a purposeless part of existence and have to think about why its here when its completely irrelevant. And yet theres so many people who DO value life and love existing. I feel indifferent and i dont know how to not feel that way when everything appears to be ultimately pointless. I have a very conflicting thought pattern that life is special and meaningful because it is creatures who feel and experiance while at the same time i see no significance in emotions or in life in general. Some days i lean on one side where life seems so incredibly important and valid and i can be emotional while most others, im completely indifferent to the idea. What the fuck is going on??? I dont understand anything, i havent for over a year now. Reality makes absolutely no sense and its scary.

So when we get rid of the me/ego, we're just left with an awareness, yes? Is that what god is in its truest form is just awareness? Are feelings only something you can experiance as living being/ego? Ya, this resonates with me. I agree it seems ive made a prison from meaning which is kinda ironic.

Thank you for your replies. And if youve replied to any of my other posts. I always read every reply carefully but often feel overwhelmed to reply to specific answers, esspesially since my ability to answer in a coherent way is inhibited right now.

@Nahm Thank you Nahm...i appreciate the advice and wisdom. I will try to see this as just thoughts. What youve said helps. I just wish i could feel something. My emotions are so numbed, i just want to feel the significance of everything.

Why is it that so many people on the spiritual path end up feeling whole, at peace and love and ive ended up realising the truth but still shitty about it? Its like i dont even see the significance i am a loving, creative consciousness that can feel...i think some of it is i never really asked to exist? Not as a human but as my whole self. I feel uneasy that i just HAVE to exist. That i even exist at all. Maybe i knew i wanted to do all the things i wanted to do but now i wish i never existed. Yes, love is a gift. It is, i just feel trapped and in a meaningless void.

Personally, i see art as a way of expressing ones self and ones emotions. Art can be a great way of expressing an emotion and also bonding with others who see the emotional significance of such an expression too. It can be a great way of releasing negative emotions in ones self. Also, arts just beautiful and its great to see things like art on walls, at least aesthetically lol

Im feeling the exact same or at least from what u described i relate to. I feel absolutely indifferent to everything, including myself and my wellbeing and feelings and others as well. It hard to even see the significance of love or life at all for me. Its super confusing and i totally get what u mean by feeling like your going mad. I dont know how to get out of this lack of meaning or care. Except maybe to remember just how important love is...which is hard to do when u arnt capable of feeling it at the moment. I also fluctuate between moods of bliss and acceptance and then impossibly low moods of meaninglessness. I keep thinking that i need to care but i keep getting the feeling that non of this matters at all and it just seems impossible alot of the time to want to live. Edit: Also yes i think this is normal for those going through whats called the dark night of the soul which seems o happen frequently on the spiritual path.

I dont know whats going on. Im reaching my limit mentally. I feel so totally empty. I dont desire to feel anything. I dont want to feel happy or feel love. I dont want to feel anything. Yet, i feel obligated to my family to live but now i dont even know what living is. And i also just dont see the appeal anymore. Ive fought so long to find a reason to keep going but it no longer makes sense. I dont know what to do. I dont even want to do anything. Ive thought existence to death and all i want is to not exist. Theres no point to any of this anyway. Please tell me that when i die, ill at least forget this life. But what i want most is to just become nothing.

Update: I am feeling so lost after this. I was anxious for so long over all this, it feels like a shock to me to not have a reason to freak out and because its so sudden and different, i am anxious still??? I still get that empty feeling but i remind myself why things matter. However, im so used to questioning every reason for lifes existence, that i even question love as an answer and then it suddenly seems meaningless but im catching myself now to remember the importance of love and why it matters. Alot of the time, i still feel like i dont want to deal with this shit anymore. I also wish i had never thought about this stuff in the first place. This non duality and enlightment stuff has completely changed the way i look at existence and its just scary and trippy and i dont like how different everythings become in reality. I wasnt ready for this, it happened too quickly...

Thank you all for the replies. Ive read each one carefully and am trying to get some professional help. I may eventually try a psychedelic at some point in my life but im afraid to take that plunge just yet. I dont feel im ready. I had a brief encounter or experiance of being god once after simply smoking some weed which lasted hours and it scared the f*** outta me cause i had no idea non duality was a thing at the time. Its actually what made me find leos videos and this website of his, not to mention other spiritual teachers and philosophies. Ive realized my issue is i wasnt seeing the significance of love and i am starting to see it again. Hopefully im getting better.

@Serotoninluv I appreciate your advice. I suddenly had that question not too long ago "what is existence?" but i havent been able to make any concrete answer. Sometimes love makes sense as the answer then other times it doesnt. Mabye i just dont completely get it. Could i ask you what u think it is?

So it would be safe to say "god" or consciousness is existence itself, right? Its literally existence itself but i have to ask: why does existence exist in the first place? Is it so that there is not nothing? Does nothing have to have something to balance out? Does that make sense? Also has anyone else ever thought about this too? Its freaking me out so much. Its basically an evolved form of the question "why is there something rather than nothing?" It makes it seems like consciousness itself is only a function. And only serves to just simply exist. Is there more to existence than that? I have found it personally hard in my journey to feel love anymore since first thinking about this thought because it feels like love is only a meaningless function of existence. I know that sounds nihilistic and i appologize. Its just how ive been thinking and feeling and i wish to change it if possible. Anyways, any thoughts?

I appreciate everyones advice and insights to this. After listening to and reading lots of things regarding existence and still not getting, i came back and reread everything here again and suddenly, i realize im thinking about it wrong. I kept think of existence and nonexistence as two separate things. When they are in fact the same thing, a natural process that is constantly changing. Dont know how or why it took so long for me to understand that. I have a question. When people talk about love in the absolute form, is it more of a feeling of peace? That everything is right and happening as it should? Or more like that reality is a living desire for everything that is happening? Or both?

@Nahm Ok, its the thought that existence, life and emotion are meaningless that make me feel apathetic/anhedonic because i believe it to be true that theres no specialness anything. I cant even see the significance of consciousness. I think im just very mentally sick. The enlightened path has just made it so much harder as well but its the only thing that truely makes sense i guess.

My mind is so lost in understanding. Im not sure whats going on anymore. Life used to make sense to me as a kid. I took everything at face value and never questioned it because it didnt feel like it needed to be. I just wanted to be happy and make those around me happy. Before you read on, i just want to say, all of that leads up to an awakening experiance in me and is why ive typed my story because i honestly dont know what to make of this experiance or how to continue my existence anymore after this awakening. Ok, in highschool, i started building up an identity (as ya do in highschool) but i started feeling things that seemed totally unnatural, foreign and scary after developing anxiety. I started getting health anxiety that began to cripple me. Not just that but i started feeling constantly anxious, unsettled and started feeling things in my consciousness that did not seem normal or fit in what we call reality. I couldnt even describe wtf i was feeling and felt seriously isolated. I kept fearing i was going crazy, reality was starting to make less and less sense till i sorta had a mild psychotic meltdown for about a month after starting antidepressants. After going to a mental hospital, and feeling that the anxiety medication helped me, i almost immediately picked up my actual "life" again and felt what most of the population calls normal again. But then i tried an edible (weed) and i literally had an out of body and reality seemed to melt away. It was incredible but not in any positive way. It was utter terror and confusion for hours. I couldnt even reconize my loved ones. When they talked, their voices sounded robotic, like, it literally sounded something like alexa was speaking to me through people. I wasnt taking something like some psychedelic so it was extra freaky because i didnt understand why this was happening. To this day, ive never taken a psychedelic. Anyway, eventually though, i "got over that" and returned to normal life, just thinking all these things ive experianced are just because my minds sensitive and easily influenced by chemicals and its just mind stuff. Over time, i forgot and tried to enjoy life as well as i could despite constant health and sanity anxiety. Then after much emotional turmoil and emotional abuse from people i used to know as friends and an unfaithful boyfriend, it was only the first taste of what heartbreak id feel later on. Not even a year later (about a year and a half ago now), as i was in the middle of romantically pursuing my best friend who id later find out was asexual, suddenly my father passed away. In a very traumatic way too as he kinda suffered for about a month in a hospital as we powerlessly watched him wither away. Then two of our dogs passed away. Literally all within the same year. This had utterly destroyed me, of course. I not only experianced a very intense heartbreak of unrequited love, but also death for the first time. From that point on (its been a year since and im still on a journey consciously and/or spiritually depending how i look at it) ive had the most mindbending, life shattering, no, universe shattering revelations and experiances. It began 5 months after my dad died, i thought id go insane again like i did years ago when i went to the hospital, but instead it evolved into what is refered to as depersonalization and then derealization. I kept questioning reality. I didnt even want too, i just wanted some fuckin closure and understanding. But i kept constantly sensing everything around me as unreal. I couldnt trust what my "eyes" were perceiving. It didnt even feel like i had eyes or a body. Time seemed to distort at times. My memories and life did not seem like my own. It felt like i was looking inside someone elses life but it also seemed that life itself was not real. It felt like i was trapped in eternity or something. But i was somehow still connected to life and my family and friends to realize i needed help. I sought out a dissociation forum and different therapists untill i felt that feeling dissolve. For a while life was almost normal but the existential rumination persisted. I constantly, every single day and practically every minute wondered about the validity of existence and life. But i think its safe to say all of this stuff like life IS "real", at least as real as yo can define real to be. OK, now heres the true KICKER that led to my awakening. I was severely nihilistic, even physically sick every five minutes because every action i did seemed completely pointless and absurd. I couldnt fathom (still dont) why i continue to "live". Then, my friend started smoking weed and wanted someone to smoke with her. I agreed thinking it would be different than the edible experiance i had and that if anything, id already been through it all that life could throw. So i started smoking with her occasionally when we'd meet up. First couple times was fine and fun and giggly. Then suddenly and without warning, after two big hits, something happened. What Leo describes in his videos is exactly what happened. My entire life appeared to be some dream id dreamt up. Everything that id always been told and conditioned and believed to be real and nothing at all. Reality seemed to eminate from absolutely nothing and for some reason i was aware of it. I was the center of it and i am not anything in particular. My ego, entire life almost completely vanished if it happened been for the tiny bit of doubt in me. I just couldnt believe this. I couldnt even cry, i was so blown away. Eventually though, i just went the whole "high" talking myself back down to reality. But ever since, i cannot understand a fucking thing about existence. Like yes, it seems consciousness might be all that exists but what the hell is consciousness??? What am i? Us? Life??? Existence does not even seem to be real, it seems to be nothing. This makes it very hard to live or "live". Even if this werent the case, life still seems pointless, i dont even know what im doing here. Happiness doesnt even valid either. I cant even life for happiness sometimes so what do i do? I see enlighened people becoming gurus ans enjoyin this beauty but i cant even see a point to that. I was suicidal for a while but i started feeling things have purpose, but i just dont understand it yet?! Which helps with making happiness seem valid. I only pulled myself out of suicidal ideation because my family and best friends would be destroyed if they lost me. Im only 22 by the way. Sorry, i know that was very long. Thank you to anyone who made it to the end. If you have an insight or advice, it'd be very appreciated!

So before i explain my problem, i want to start off by saying that I have had the awakening experiance. It was after smoking pot with some friends. Suddenly, i felt like everything was being projected from my mind. Then it felt as if the whole universe was seeing through my eyes. My ego suddenly and without warning completely dissolved. Of course, i could never have expected this to happen after smoking WEED of all things so it caught me completely off guard and ihad never researched things like awakening prior. Meanwhile, my friends turned on something chill and funny to watch because they knew i was tripping the fuck out. While they were doing their own thing, i was convinced id finally woken up from life, that everything was somehow an illusion. That my entire life did not actually exist and id only imagined it. Not only this, i was barely aware of the things around me. I could see, yes, but it was like there was no distinction between me and the environment, including my friends so it was as if i really couldnt see because i couldnt register things were different from "me". I felt as if i were one with everything, i was everything in existence but i was for some reason localized in this "human" body. I could barely register physical feeling. I knew i was "sitting" as a human but its like it wasnt really happening. The entire time however, i kept thinking "how come my friends and everything else is still going on when i feel like im the one really in control?" I felt as if i could blink everything out of existence if i wanted too. It was incredibly scary. In fact, scarys an understatement. I dont think theres a way that language can describe what i felt. I felt an indescribable connection to nothingness. I dont know how to explain it but ill try. It felt i could be nothingness but i can also be something. But i didnt feel in control of such a thing, at least not in human form. It almost felt as if i BECAME nothingness. Anyway, over a few hours, i came back down, convincing myself as the high wore down that what i experianced didnt make sense. But it felt like the absolute truth. FYI: Before this weed experiance, i had been questioning reality and existence non stop and obsessively for like a year after my dad passed away. Now to my problem. I had depression for years before my dad died. Once that happened, i started questioning life and existence and found that there is no such meaning and that existence is utterly absurd. I became seriously nihilistic and ive had suicidal ideation since. Recently, ive discovered Gurus, philosophers like Alan watts and of course, i discovered Leo on his youtube channel and his videos have seriously helped me make sense of my experiance and that i wasnt alone (thanks Leo). Heres the issue : No matter what i do, i cannot get the idea out of my head that FEELINGS (such as happiness, peace, whatever) mean nothing. Nothing would ever be able to fulfill me because i literally do not think happiness is valid in anyway. This developed in me after discovering existence is meaningless. Of course, im still CAPABLE of happiness but everytime i feel it, i lable it as a meaningless emotion that occures within life in meaningless existence. All existence seems to be just an amalgam of BEING and so it seems that anything inside it is just being, nothing more. I am in NO WAY saying this is the truth. This is just how ive been experiancing life and im posting this here because something in me is telling me feelings mean more than that because truthfully, i find it very hard to get through each day feeling that every action and feeling i feel is meaningless. Because when i look around, people around me feel connected or at least feel that any emotion they feel is important and valid when i simply dont. So, to all the more enlightened people here, is this a problem? Should i change my outlook? Would it matter if i just laid down and died? It does, right?