JoshuaBell

What are your guys’ thoughts on it?

Note ive tried quitting cold turkey before and last about 3-4 days before i cave

I feel as though I am a deeply negative and cynical and pessimistic person. I’ve tried psychedelics and have had beautiful experiences where I felt free of time for the first time in my life. Where I was in the present moment. But returning to normal life seems to suck so much. I have no willpower or discipline over myself and I have bipolar and probably some schizoaffwctive stuff too(i would think people are planting thoughts in my head, stuff like that.) i suck at socializing and think I’m gonna lay off the psychedelics for a while and get therapy. Currently I’m playing a lot of World of Warcraft as a crutch. I still work and stuff, but it’s as though I’m not really living for anything. My life just feels hollow and empty and dead. I tried meditation and I’ve even tried Transcendental Meditation and I can’t even do that right. Am I fucked? I have a chronic condition that causes my body a high level of pain + some sort of disfigurement that I went to physical therapy for. They gave me stretches but i still feel like the condition is getting worse. Obviously I’m not fucked - we’re all gonna die anyways which is kinda funny. But I’m pretty miserable and feel disconnected from everyone and everything. I’m very socially awkward which I guess is a skill I can work on. I just feel very half baked and underdeveloped and feel like there’s no point in even trying to remedy my mistakes when I can just play WoW. Maybe i should quit but then I don’t have the willpower or grit to muscle myself through learning new skills like playing the guitar. I had episodes in the past where i went insane and was diagnosed with autism so i guess it makes sense. Im currently taking meds for bipolar but it feels like now im just a cog in the wheel of the society we live in. And it sickens me. I hate myself and this world sometimes as well. Also i have a LOT of anxiety. And im just overall miserable. I don’t know how to feel my emotions or what that even means. I overanalyze and judge and even have thoughts when other people are speaking to me that say “nobody cares,” which i feel like i dont actually care about others. I dont want to commit suicide but i have suicidal urges. Also this condition that i have causes me extreme distress and misery. Its like im in pain and discomfort all the time and nobody can see it. Makes me want to “shtomp on their testhicles” like mike tyson haha. So im in this state of complacency with my life where im just sort of on this societal conveyor belt- going to work, playing WoW, eating, sleeping. Or maybe im blaming society too much. Idk man what should I do?? How can i live a good life?

I had like an almost schizophrenic break about 2 years ago and was convinced something was wrong with my body and that I needed to fix it and now my body doesn’t work properly mechanically because I contorted it like a pretzel and it kinda got stuck. It’s extremely painful to live with and I’m not able to sit or stand or really do anything comfortably. Exercise is nearly impossible except walking. This has left me with a serious feeling of hopelessness and I’ve experienced periods of suicidal depression. I wake up and seem to have no purpose at all. I’ve got 3 tabs of acid in my drawer but I’m not sure when I want to take them. And my mind rationalizes like “oh the trips gonna end and you’ll just go back to your normal egoic state anyways.” Which I feel is usually the case. I watched one of Leo’s video on meditation and it really motivated me to start. I’ve tried transcendental meditation and other techniques in the past but got no appreciable results and got frustrated and quit. I don’t really do anything all day except play World of Warcraft on my computer. I feel very resistant toward getting a job and quitting WoW and doing something for myself. I feel the addiction to the game stems from the fact that it’s stimulating and dopamine rewards and gives me something to do. I feel as though my attention span is that of a goldfish. There seems to be an internal struggle of me wanting to improve my life and simultaneously a fear of losing the comfort of my depressing life situation or not wanting to give up WoW because I invested so much time into the game and it’s really the only skill I have. It’s hard to deal with the physical pain that I feel and it’s hard to not give in to the urge to escape the feeling. I am going to meditate for 20 min a day everyday from now on but I worry that if I continue to play video games all the meditating will be of no use and will basically go to waste. It feels like there’s a void inside me that can’t ever be filled, yet I try it fill it with superficial shit anyways. Maybe I need therapy I feel like the game meets my needs in some pseudo way like the need to socialize and the need for progression and the need for healthy competition (I only like to pvp in the game) and feel very overwhelmed at the responsibility of steering my life in the right direction. I’m 22 years old and I haven’t really done anything since I got out of high school. I feel very inferior to everyone because of this condition with my body. I feel like I should go become a monk or something, because if I don’t use my computer I’ll end up becoming addicted to watching tv or YouTube videos. The internet went out for like 10 minutes today and I realized how attached to the internet I’ve been all my life. I’ve done acid and shrooms before and have had fun experiences and honestly I don’t really care to socialize or do any of that I just want to be in a blissed out state or feel actual clarity. I need help, where should I start in rebuilding my life?

I HATE MYSELF AND MY SOUL AND HEART ARE CRUSHED UNDER THE WEIGHT OF THIS PAIN IM SO FUCKING NUMB AND IM COMPLETELY INSANE. THINKING ABOUT KILLING MOTHERFUCKERS AND VIOLENT SHIT SOOTHES ME AND I THINK IM FUCKED. SAVE ME It’s like I don’t know if I’m actually alive I just want to fucking smash someone’s head against the fucking wall you know And like to drink their blood and shit that’s how much pain I’m in and idk how to even express or begin to express it. Like in order to soothe myself I run my hands over fucking nails you know so I actually feel something idk how much longer I can hold on honestly FUUUCKING KILL ME i peeped the emotional scale and I read Abraham Hicks book ask and it is given and I just don’t understand how to do it or if I’m doing it right. I don’t feel any relief so I know that I’m not doing it correctly. Like say I’m doing the last process out loud and I’m depressed about.. my health or an ending of a relationship and I feel hella guilt and self hatred and blame for it what would I say? what would be thoughts of relief from feeling suicidal?

Thank you all for the wonderful replies!!

Or is it just one thought at a time, going so fast it seems like they’re layered on top of each other.

It’s really brave of u to even admit this. I wish I could help but I’m kind of in the same fucking pickle, soooo. Idk for me journaling has helped. Writing in a journal about everything even the most disturbing shit like I’ll have thoughts about killing people or paranoid thoughts and writing it down sort of makes it seem a lot less threatening.

So I dunno if this is the right place to post this. But I’m becoming aware even as I type this of like social filters based on fear of what people might think of me. Anyways at 19 years old I watched some of Leo’s videos. The ones about God and Truth sort of planted seeds in my mind and I literally went insane. Even the idea of me being in control of my own actions seemed like a total fallacy. And I started having questions like “wait do I have free will?” “Why am I here? What is the meaning of life? Is there a meaning? What if there’s no meaning and that’s the meaning? Is there a definitive answer? There has to be because it’d be such a fucking dick thing for God to do if he just left us hanging. I say he but I’m guessing God has no gender. I really haven’t even glimpsed that reality at all. But I’ve done acid before and it really opened my mind like it felt more real than ‘real life.’ Like what is a flow state? Like who is in control in a flow state? Is it possible to be in a flow state 24/7? Do I exist? Who am I? What the fuck am I? I know I’m in a meat suit but what is the I that knows? How do I even know I’m asking these questions? I feel like I’m just going around in circles. Well also I ended up in a mental hospital and they said I’m bipolar and autistic but whose to say ‘they’ are right? What if they’re insane and I’m not? Why should I accept their version of reality? The fact that we have differing perceptions on what’s true has to mean that reality isn’t as fixed as one might think. So then what is reality? Fuuuuuuck I wish I had like an answer like. Reality is x y or z. Does my body exist? I read books like The Power of Now and watched some of Bob Proctor’s stuff and tried to meditate and I realize how much my mind is active maybe I should go become a fucking monk or something. I just don’t see the point in getting a job and going to college on this fucking treadmill society we live in. I mean like mainstream society is so fucked. Things that are actually happening like sex, money, murder, and anything remotely controversial is hushed up it seems like everyone is fucking fake to a degree. And I feel fake as well, like a wolf in sheep’s clothing or something. Why am I even typing this out? Is it inevitable that I would type this out? Does it matter? Does anything matter? Yet still we gotta live in our bodies and eat and stuff. And David Hawkins says that consciousness is like a database where every fucking thought word and action is recorded. So is everything predetermined? Or is it choice? Or both or neither? I watched the Matrix and I’m not tryna become a battery for someone else. What is energy? And how do I know anything is real? How do I know David Hawkins is right? Why not kill myself and find out the answer? (Don’t worry I won’t kill myself although I do feel depressed as fuck a lot). I just feel like im going insane and I don’t understand anything. On one hand I am a chimp and a devil as Leo says. I just wanna be lazy and eat and fuck. And have money, status, and power. Currently I am not living a fulfilling life at all and my results in my life are pretty shit so I might fulfill all the chimpery stuff first to get it out of my system. Also I did DMT once (mixed with weed) and I got super anxious and started like convulsing on the floor having a damn near seizure. It was fucking traumatic (and here my mind is saying “who gives a fuck about that just finish your damn paragraph already.”) I don’t know if I should keep doing psychedelics because I might have psychosis like I’m not sure if I’m having delusions or not. Maybe this post should go in the serious emotional problems section. Or idk man maybe I need therapy is there something wrong with me holy fuck. It feels as though psychedelics have scarred my mind and given me a taste of higher realms of consciousness where I just felt like I “knew” things as they were happening. I want to feel that peace while sober. Anyways what the fuck should I do now? Ultimately I need a change of environment I’m thinking I could just get q slave wage job and hire a life coach to get the chimpery out the way and then go become a fucking monk or something I have no fucking clue. I’m 21 and I feel lost as fuck. I got hella anxiety (and my mind just said “lol fuck you”) some real fucked up shit. I also have super intrusive thoughts like I’ll see images flashing in my mind of killing people or slitting my own throat and stuff and it’s super intrusive. I feel stressed the fuck out. Are they related? Where do thoughts come from? How does the mind essentially work? What is the subconscious mind? How do you become successful? I think I need to get some help and I keep getting jobs and ending up getting super depressed and quitting. Maybe I am a little bitch with no work ethic who secretly likes being lazy and leeching off others who will do the work for me. I think I’m too damn comfortable at my moms place and havent stretched out of my comfort zone enough. Yet I guess in some ways I deceive myself into helplessness with a thought process like, “well this pattern keeps happening so why even try? What’s the point? And then I think I might try giving it a deeper meaning by seeming all spiritual and ‘deep’ by asking questions like ‘why get a job and go to college? What is reality anyways’ when I think I might just be a lazy fuck who is in the throes of self deception. Writing this out has been rather…. illuminating. I have been thinking about becoming a monk because I just have a feeling that even if I do get a job and go to college I’ll end up sabotaging and fucking things up (as I usually do, my mind adds). Anyways thanks again for reading this far (stfu you piece of shit, my mind lovingly says to me.) Am I just overthinking? Help

Trippy Jesus or Buddha Like an acid Jesus would be dope you feel me Or like planet Earth smoking a blunt with Mars, idk. Make the planets have like arms and legs like the M&M characters lol but wait there’s more God playing with toys. Like a kid or something. Except the toys are real people and planets and shit. Like a kid playing with action figures Alcohol drinking itself Hulk in a cubicle Aliens giving us the finger A sexy drawing like something super erotic, idk A hot girl sucking on a lollipop with her third eye open A penis at a women’s right’s protest A cup of ramen noodles having explosive diarrhea except the diarhhea is just cup noodle juice A dog walking a human. Humans playing fetch with each other A phone using a human, pulling a human out of its pocket God dancing with a blunt in one hand and a hologram of the entire fucking Universe in the other Some trippy chakra shit. Maybe like a heart chakra drawing or something. Or the chakras being aligned. That’s pretty dope. If I had to pick one though it’d probably be my first idea: Acid jesus. Super fucking trippy

Hey man it’s up to you whether you want to pursue awakening. In the end we’re all gonna die lol

Yowza! Life’s a fucking trip lol

All of the time and mental energy spent pining for a girl that doesn’t give two fucks about you and made it clear to you that she doesn’t give two fucks about you could be spent working on yourself. Don’t do it to get her back or because you want a hotter girlfriend or whatever. Do it for yourself. To evolve and become a better person. Turn this seemingly unfortunate event into a catalyst for your own personal growth. Make her dumping you the best thing that happened to you, ever. Go on an upward spiral by investing in yourself. Don’t barrel downwards into drugs, videogames, food, etc. Giving into your chimpish impulses is probably the worst thing you can do. It’s like taking a massive dildo and sticking it up your own ass. You should be the prize. Make yourself into an awesome fucking person to the point where you won’t even settle for someone who doesn’t think the same. You got lucky that life handed you this situation. A true blessing in disguise.

Have some respect for yourself. Stop wasting your time. You’re too attached to the idea of you two being together when the reality of the situation is that she doesn’t want you. She called you “kiddo” for christ sakes then asked for “pure solitude” which is like the most fucking space you can give someone. She basically told you to fuck right off. Consider it a blessing. She just saved you a shitload of wasted time and energy.