StripedGiraffe

I had my first taste of 5-meo-dmt today. I used above sub-ohm tank method. I mixed it much weaker though (8:1) with 75/25 PG/VG. I used the Voopoo Drag x2 kit (very cheap new kit) with the included .2 coil on 13 - 17w. I took three hits. I estimate I got something like 2 to 3mg. The vapor was relatively smooth and enjoyable. I was surprised at what a punch this substance packs at such a small dose. Immediately, my head started to throb and burn like I received an energetic smack in the back of the head. It quickly subsided but I felt something powerful and deep lurking just out of reach from my awareness. I get the sense this medicine will be an absolute beast at shattering illusions. And I have a feeling this is the medicine I’ve been searching for my whole adult life. Looking forward to going deeper. And shoutout @maxpechura for sharing the tek. I also have emesh in the mail.

Metta, ho'oponopono, and reiki are all lovely. Random acts of kindness can also be a great practice.

It seems clear to me that Jesus (the religious figure) is a social construct, regardless of whether or not he actually lived. However, we should a knowledge what it really is the word “Jesus” points to. To me, “Jesus” points to the uncorrupted Consciousness that underpins all. It is sovereign, free, loving, omnipresent, and immortal/constantly dying and resurrecting. In other words, it points to God. Of course actual God precedes and transcends social constructs but we can’t speak of God without constructing it into a concept - otherwise it has no meaning. Same deal with “Jesus”. So in the end it’s a paradox. “Jesus” (God) is transcendent and therefore beyond social construct but the second we speak (or think) of it, it must be a social construct. But I am curious to hear what @Leo Gura would say about this perspective.

Good to know. At the very least, I feel like malt was a good primer for me. It helped highlight some very basic issues I need to work on and @integration journey thank you 🙏

5-meo-malt trip #5: Dose ≈ 80mg (13 red microscoops) up the butt + two or three malt vape hits. I sat in the woods on my meditation cushion. The come up was gentile. I admired the luminous trees in the sunlight. I ripped the vape hard. The grass melted into a sea of fractals. With all of my malt trips, I felt extra physically sensitive, like I could feel more aliveness in my teeth and through the rest of my body. And I felt like the energy the malt wants to show me is very subtle. But I felt like my nervous system is so out of tune from incessant ego activity that I was not fully able to immerse myself in that subtle relaxed background energy. I lied there just consciously trying to relax. I was able to relax a little but after a while I felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere and decided to let go of control, to surrender fully and not do anything. That helped me relax a bit more. I realised that I’ve never really be able to relax. I intuitively started tapping my heart center and saying “I am what I am searching for”. That felt healing and relaxing. Overall the trip was chill and a bit less intense that my last trip even though the dose was higher. All of my malt trips have pretty much just felt like I’m on mushrooms and sometimes a splash of DMT/ayahuasca visuals. The body load and most of the visuals and the nature of insights were practically identical to my experiences with psilocybin. I’m giving up on this substance for now as I don’t think I’m going to break through on it. I’m thinking I need to break through on 5-meo-dmt first into order to attune to that energy and potentiate this substance. Then I’ll try malt again with a fresh start (starting at a much lower dose). Now to find some 5-meo-dmt… wish me luck! And thanks for reading.

@What Am I I appreciate the warning but I’ve tried nasal absorption and vaping and still seem to need quite a bit

@AzraelIt been about 8 years. After reading your first 3 incredible trip reports, I’m very curious to hear how life changed after these experiences with 8 years of perspective. Thanks!

@RendHeaven yeah I’m definitely surprised. I never expected to take this high of a dose after reading other trip reports. I guess I’m just a bit less sensitive to malt compared to others. When it comes to other substances, my tolerance is low - normal. I’m wondering if it’s because I haven’t tried 5-meo-dmt yet. I haven’t heard from any malt users that haven’t tried it previously.

5-MeO-MALT Trip Reports (trips #3 & #4) Trip 3: A couple days ago, I bought a vape with a sub-ohm tank, mixed up some HCL malt e-juice and vaped it. I choked down 11 hits, but it was too disgusting to continue. I probably consumed around 10 - 20mg. Effects were threshold, something like a 1g mushroom trip. Trip 4: Dose: ≈ 60mg (10 levelled red microscoops) Route of Administration: Ass After the initial ass burning subsided, I sat on my meditation cushion in my back yard. I felt a nice spaciousness as the breeze hit me. I took a few hits from the malt vape during the peak. Then the visuals set in. At first, the grass seemed more vibrant and almost cartoonish. Then my whole yard appeared like a living Alex Grey painting. There were eyeballs scattered throughout it. I laid back and rested my gaze on the evening sky. I saw complex geometric 3D rainbow fractals. The phrase “fractals within fractals” arose to describe what I saw (redundant, I know). Time was passing slowly. A couple minutes felt like 20, and I was loving it. Then I did some intuitive stretching/yoga. When I stood up, I felt like a baby deer walking for the first time, which had me laughing. I had the insight, “there is no way that things are” (apart from my way of looking at them.) That is to say that subject and object are intertwined and inseparable. All experiences are fabrications of the mind. This insight has been sort of a theme for me over the last month. That said, despite the outstanding visuals, the experience was pretty chill and gentile feeling. I don’t feel like I’ve had a breakthrough yet. Egoic thinking/feeling was still intact and I didn’t experience any sort of heart opening. But still, the trip was deep, comparable only to some intense moments on ayahuasca or mushrooms. And the visuals were the craziest I’ve ever seen. Looking forward to going deeper.

@Jannes well I usually felt great when I was on them (except for one which gave me a fever and made me feel ill). It’s the come down that’s the problem. When the drug is wearing off, I felt like an emotional mess. I felt antisocial and didn’t have the energy to do anything and had strong cravings for stimulation. Basically all the symptoms of domaine deficiency were magnified as I withdrew from the drug.

My first two 5-meo-MALT (HCL) trip reports + questions. background: I have never tried 5-meo-dmt although I want to asap. I’ve have 50+ trips with mushrooms, lsd, ketamine, and ayahuasca. Day 1: I plugged 10mg and didn’t feel much. 25 minutes later, I plugged another 7mg i felt like I was on maybe half a gram of mushrooms. 15 minutes later, I snorted another 7mg. I basically felt like was on a gram of mushrooms but with less sensory distortion. I realized how much I’ve been in a rush lately. I saw how hurry was like a toxin that poisons life by turning the present moment into a vehicle to get to some future event. I really only felt any remotely trippy feeling after my third dose so I thought maybe plugging doesn’t work well for me with this substance and that next time I was just do nasal mist. The next day: I took this dose as a nasal mist, in three rounds, 10 minutes apart, a total of around 40mg (6 red scoops). At the peak, I basically felt like on was on an eighth of mushrooms but with no sensory distortions except mild tracers. I became acutely aware of how much bullshit is constantly flowing through my mind, causing a constant stream of needless suffering. I always feel like I’m searching, grasping, clinging, avoiding, distracting etc. I basically just sat in this discomfort while trying to be present with my body awareness. Questions: I know a lot of you guys are breaking through with less than 25 mg, and I haven’t really heard about anyone else taking doses this high. 40mg felt safe and easily manageable (except for the burning in my nose, that sucked and I’ll be plugging next time). My intuition says, it’s cool, keep increasing my dose until I break through, but I just wanted to throw it out there to hear some other takes out of an abundance of caution. Also, all of these doses assume that a red microscoop (labeled 10-15mg) is actually 7mg. This is solely based on what I’ve seen on this forum as my scale is not sensitive enough. If someone could verify or correct me on that, I would appreciate it. Thanks 🙏 I also wonder if maybe I’m just too distracted right now to be able to surrender to the medicine. The push/pull of my ego mind makes it hard to stabilize my attention and I wonder if that’s limiting my experience. This happened the first time I drank Aya. I was basically sober for 4 hours until I started examining my resistance, then I basically melted into the floor. I recognize the resistance and examined it on malt, but not much happened. Or perhaps I just need to increase the dose. Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated. Blessings.

I took ADHD meds for years. They do far more harm than good in my experience. Look into dopamine deficiency. If that resonates, try taking cold showers in the morning, meditating, and cutting out screen time, junk food, porn, and other highly stimulating behaviors. If I need a boost, I drink some green tea.

Has anyone experimented with microdising 5-meo-MALT?

Intro: I finished my first round of therapeutic Ketamine through Better U (9 doses of Rapid Dissolve Tablets). I tried it to help heal pain. If I had to attach a clinical label to my pain, I'd say it's a mix of C-PTSD, depression and anxiety. Specifically, I wanted to become a better father and husband, reduce my suffering, move past career blocks, increase motivation, stop overeating, and more. My dose was 400 mg with the first trip at 200mg and the eighth at 600 mg. The first two trips were sublingual (spit), the third was sublingual/oral (swallowed), and the remaining 7 trips were administered rectally, dissolved in water (to avoid the taste). For all of these trips, I lay in my bed with an eye mask. Background: I'm 27 years old and over the last decade, I've done about 30 - 50 trips with Mushrooms, LSD, and Ayahuasca, but did not have any experience with Ketamine. I have deep reverence for the psychedelic experience and I feel like they have been instrumental on my path of healing and awakening. Most of the lessons I learned from Ketamine are old lessons that were deepened or refreshed, often in very profound ways. Lesson/Experience Summary: Trip 1: 200mg acclimation dose: Was not much of a trip. My body felt a bit numb and tingly but I noticed no cognitive changes. I felt bored and a little disappointed. (looking back, this was a microcosm of my waking experience). I was looking for something to come and "save me". I didn't get that. In the following days, I realized how my desire and expectations distracted me from actually being present with my experience. Trip 2: 400mg sublingual (spit) + a hit of cannabis one hour in: I intended to feel happy. I was again underwhelmed at first but when I hit the bong, my awareness expanded rapidly and I started to see visuals that I perceived as the power and intelligence of God on display (I also saw Aubrey Marcus's face on a butterfly lol). I felt a deep fear of tripping hard and ultimately the fear of God. I remained stuck in deep fear and resistance for the rest of the trip. I repeatedly tried to shift my focus to happiness and gratitude but I could not maintain my focus. The current of fear was too strong. The brokenness of "I'm not focused enough" dampened my feeling state and I remembered carrying that feeling since I was diagnosed ADD in my childhood. I also tried to just be present with the feeling I felt but I couldn't maintain that focus either. I started perceiving my feelings as the "Divine Feminine", seeing her as a living entity. I tried loving her but felt devoid of love and too distracted. I asked her how to love her and I heard, "Listen... feel". I tried, but again was too distracted to listen and feel. At this point, it became crystal clear that I needed to improve my concentration ability. It also became very clear that thoughts create feelings. My thinking was creating my suffering. In the following days, I practiced a lot of concentration meditation. I realized that most of my thoughts were textbook "sinful", like the 7 deadly sins in Christianity or the 5 hindrances in Buddhism. I worked on letting go and replacing those thoughts by applying some strategies I found in "Beyond Distraction" by Shaila Catherine, which I picked up in a bookstore and devoured in a few hours. I also become aware of a ton of self-judgment, particularly a ton of "I am not ______ enough". And I also projected all of that judgment onto the world. I felt like I needed to experience my judgment non-judgementally to experience the imperfection as a manifestation of Perfection. Through my refreshed meditation practice, I learned that suffering and discomfort dissolve when I meet them with fully accepting presence. Trip 3: 400 mg sublingual/oral (swallowed) + bong rip I did 3 rounds of Wif Hof breathing before the trip. On the come-up, I began to perceive my feelings with more clarity. Near the peak, I fully attempted to "let-go" and I spontaneously started breathing super fully, maybe more fully than I ever have in my life. It felt amazing. I felt intensely alive. I began to think about awakening and felt an intense energy in my chest. After closer observation, I realized that feeling was actually intense, heart-ponding fear. I realized that I was creating an imaginary "awakened" future that I felt attached to. This attachment was rooted in deep fear and resistance with the energy of, "LET ME OUT OF HERE, MAKE THIS STOP", with a thin veneer of "everything will be okay... hopefully". I laughed at how absurd it was that I was attached to this energy considering how horrible it actually felt. I noticed how I ran this same pattern all the time either with desirable or undesirable imagined futures which I felt attached to or attached to avoiding. Either way, it's essence was fear. In the following days, I meditated for 2+ hours a day, and I let go of many layers of pain (anger, shame, fear, sadness, etc.) I became aware that the doorway to peace was in every moment. No matter what form arises, there I was, perceiving it. I also noticed that whenever pleasure arises, fear and unworthiness come with it. The big insight from this trip is that when I let go, I started to breathe so fully. It's like I was breathing in life itself and with no conscious effort. I intuited that I could breathe my way into high states of consciousness but that would also mean illuminating the shadow/fear inside me, but I trusted the process. One of these evenings, I prayed for proper breathing. Then, in the middle of the night, I had a dream of two tablets dissolving on each side of my pelvic floor with each breath, as if they were replenishing my body's desire for oxygen. Still asleep, my body started to breathe very deeply with no conscious effort until I was half asleep and then fully awake still inhaling fully and effortlessly. Each breath felt full, wide, and deeply satisfying. I woke up my wife with my breathing. It felt amazing. I realized that for as long as I remember, I have been depriving my body of oxygen with shallow breathing patterns, creating a perfect breeding ground for fear and unconsciousness. I realized the close correlation between my depth of breathing and my mental state. I also learned that awareness of the breath as well as non-resistance are keys to high-quality breathing, and my meditation practice has been instrumental for that. Trip 4: 400mg plugged + bong rip Intention - awaken inner power and masculinity. I noticed that I was not present with my visual field like I was waiting for something else more real. When I did focus my attention, my closed-eye visual field morphed into a spiraling wall of Egyptian hieroglyphics. I meditated on courage. At one point, I said, "I realized the true meaning of freedom. True freedom is freedom to be myself." I burst into tears for a brief moment. What I meant was, no matter what I'm going through, I am free to be the kind of character that I want to be. If I am suffering, I can be the one who acts for my wellbeing. I call that "being myself" because I have a natural impulse to serve myself and those around me. So perhaps to be free, I just need to trust that impulse, that deep wisdom. I felt like my ability to be present and obedient to my deepest wisdom was hindered by my self-doubt. I essentially did not trust myself. I realized the deep wisdom of "trust in yourself". When I do not trust myself, I naturally avoid pain and discomfort because I don't believe that I'll be there for myself to get me through it. But if I trust myself, I know that I can endure any level of pain and emerge unharmed because my authentic loving character arises from my nature. So I learned self self-trust is a key to freedom. Even though I've made a terrible habit of ignoring my own wisdom, it never stops. It's always there. But that voice is not enough to be free, I need to know that I can and will consistently act upon that voice to actually feel free and safe. I realized that authentic character arises from freedom, and with my freedom, I choose to be a servant to all, present, a protector, merciful, abundant, nourishing, and devoted to my deepest wisdom. I noticed that I was labeling my eyes-closed visual field as "darkness" subconsciously, but then I realized, it was actually light. My whole visual field flashed with white light. I saw a beautiful native American woman singing. She symbolized the divine feminine, singing her song of deep wisdom that arises from Nature. Her song says you are free, and this wisdom is always available, but it's up to you to follow it. That natural "feminine" wisdom is the natural wisdom that springs from my source effortlessly, the feminine within the masculine (yin in the yang). As a man, it is my job to honor her song and protect her with all my heart and abilities. I also noticed how I was creating pain by anticipating either pain or pleasure in the future. I felt like I could take myself into pleasure but I kept making excuses for why I had to wait. I felt like I was waiting for some source of empowerment. But of course, empowerment must come from within. That's what empowerment means. I realized that the substance of my power is decisions. Making decisions is how I practice good-will. Good-will means executing the will of my deepest freedom. Practicing this leads to self-trust. Self-trust is key to letting go. Letting go is key to presence. Presence is the key to freedom. Freedom is the end-game. The next day, I ate a bunch of ginger mints and meditated for 25 minutes without moving. My head was so itchy, I felt like it was on fire, but I encouraged myself with positive self-talk, which was something I really don't do often enough. I contemplated femininity and masculinity. I wrote that the essence of femininity is surrender, receptivity, and energy. And the essence of masculinity is purpose. Purpose informs direction and decision, which is where masculine power lies. Without purpose, the direction of attention defaults to survival/ego maintenance. A purpose is something for the mind to chew on. I had a dream that I was in a video game and I died. I was waiting there to "restart", but I was deeply detached to my body because I perceived it as a dead video game character. I felt a sense of dissolving and expanding that was quite nice. (looking back, this feeling was very similar to what I experienced in trip 10). I also dreamt of a white dragon that looked like Haku from Spirited Away. The next day, I contemplated dragon energy. I began to understand the dragon as a symbol of raw power - power that destroys everything in opposition to it, not as an act of evil, but as an act of creation. I wanted to awaken that dragon within me. I also wrote this, "The Ocean holds space for all of it's creatures- beautiful and ugly, peaceful and violent. It is indifferent. Indifference is the highest form of love and freedom. And because all know freedom, the truth of our depth arises without force and shines with perfect clarity." A rip-off of the Tao Te Ching, but still beautiful. Trip 5: 400mg plugged Intention: awaken the inner dragon My breath was full and deep for at least the first hour. I felt incredibly alive and quite content. I felt like I was in God's VR simulator in the clouds and that everything I felt was divinely crafted. I had a vision of me sitting on on a cloud chair with a joystick and I was free to do anything I wanted. I felt like my body was made of pixels that were subdividing into finer and finer pixels. I visualized myself as Blue-Eyes White Dragon (from Yu-Gi-Oh!). Any time I would notice fear or resistance, I would blast it with white light as the dragon. I felt quite good but also very attached to my experience, which took away from it. It was a great trip overall. I remember being astounded by a sense of power in my body. I also remember acknowledging that there was no one here, that the concept of "self "was thin and insignificant compared to the truth of my being in my direct awareness. I said "Ketamine lets me be me which is nothing." On the tail end of the comedown, I went inside Chipotle to order food. The restaurant had the worst vibes imaginable. They were playing some ultra-slowed grunge trap music on a boombox behind the counter. The staff looked like they were on opiates. A worker scraped the grill the whole time, creating an ear-piercing scraping noise. The vibes screamed, "please kill me, make it end". It was pure pain and resistance. I went home, and with hesitation, took a few bites of my food which quickly created deep pain in my whole body. I threw it out. I realized that the deep suffering that I was resisting and judging was deep inside of me. That Chipotle was just reflecting my own deep pain and victim complex. I excavated a lot of self-hatred and resistance patterns in the following days. I also started to notice that some core desire in me was being suppressed. I thought how my craving for peace/joy/bliss might just be a means to become more free. I realized how I decided to suppress my anger from an early age so I did not hurt people with it like my father did. I acknowledged that although my intention was pure, I was misguided. Anger does not hurt anyone. It is simply a fire that signals that it is time for action and transformation. The anger I trapped inside burned me as self-hatred for many years. But when I meet anger with my loving conscious presence, it can be a powerful fuel that serves my purpose. I realized that an aspect of my core masculine desire is to ravish - to give my gift so fully that I completely lose myself in the giving. I explored this with my wife in Tantra, and it was great. I felt like I could let go much more deeply when I surrendered completely to her feelings and giving her the best possible experience. It was very different than my usual inhibited way, but we both loved it. The next day, I became acutely aware of how my judgments -all of my dualistic mind-activity - were distracting me from the present moment. I also drew up "the light spiral": Presence leads to love. Love leads to trust. Trust leads to surrender. Surrender leads to presence. Trip 6: 400mg (plugged) Intention - empowerment I experienced myself as a spirit body with deep freedom. I noted how I repeatedly would construct mental grounds for myself. Those grounds/identities were made of pain/tension. But they remained beneath my awareness while they built up, although I still felt the dis-ease. I said, "One level of freedom is being what you choose. That's what reality is always doing. But a deeper level of freedom is being what you want the most." This requires deep honesty about desire. I realized that I was dismissing my desire for bliss, labeling it as selfish. By I allowed myself to own it. I finally admit that I did want bliss for myself simply because I love myself. I also realized that even if I felt bliss if I could not share it, I would still feel empty. And so I wished bliss and peace upon myself and my family and the world. I placed my hands on my heart and said "Divine bliss here and now". Throughout the trip, it became increasingly clear that I was a free energy being governed by my intention and will. My experience responded to my will. On the comedown, I wandered outside on a cool evening and ran to the last patch of sunny ground. It felt like such a deep expression of my authentic desire. I felt like energy was rising up from my lower chakras, flowing into my upper body as a result of surrendering to my authentic desire. I did Emotional Freedom Technique (tapping) in the mirror and excavated a lot of shame, unworthiness, and self-judgment. That night, I dreamt of my childhood crush and felt the profound desire I felt for her that had been suppressed my whole life. The next morning, I woke up early, went outside, and did breathwork while sun-gazing. I felt that same profound desire for the sun, like I wished it was inside my chest radiating brilliantly and effortlessly. I squinted as the sun rose higher and the glare in my eyelashes created a cross with the sun at the center. I thought of Jesus dying on the cross and how the sun represented presence and the cross represented death. I felt the desire to die (spiritually/mentally) so that I could let the light of my presence shine fully. I thought of the light spiral. I noticed how life flows out of death. My deepest desire springs from freedom. Freedom springs from the boundless intelligence that lives beyond separation. I was craving the realization of surrendered action. And most of all I was craving the fullness of my presence that I sense can only actualize with total surrender of self. I felt called to fast the next day and did, but found myself in a video-game fueled dopamine hole. I made a distinction between desire and craving. I said, "Desires arise from my deep wisdom and serve myself/others. They should be pursued. Cravings do not serve and therefore do not need to be fulfilled. Trip 7: 400mg (plugged) Intention: heal the pain in my heart and awaken warrior energy I breathed deeply and felt free on the come-up. I saw Dark Magician (from Yu-Gi-Oh!) and I felt like I could think clearly and create whatever I wanted without a bunch of self-doubt clouding my mind. I really liked that. I got up after about 45 minutes to put music on my speaker. Bad idea. It was a huge deboccle. I ended up taking a shit and I felt like I was coming down. I also grabbed a cup to throw up in. I felt like I wasted my trip. I felt stupid and disappointed. But I continued to breathe deeply and offered loving self-talk to myself. I looked over to the purge cup and it had an Ankh on it. In that moment, the hoop on top of the cross represented my head getting blown off which triggered a purge into the cup. I lay back down and continued offering love to myself while "dying" to the pain I was feeling. from that moment to the next three hours, I poured out the pain in my heart into my loving presence. I dissolved so much fear, shame, anger, unworthiness, etc. just feeling the pain, breathing fully, and allowing it to be and express itself in my body. I often sighed to help release the pain. This is some of the deepest healing I've ever done. For the first time, I was able to recognize and validate to truth of my self-judgements. This was because I recognized that all of these judgments were based on a limited perspective about temporary form and that deep down, I had unconditional love for myself. So i was able to say, wow, I really do suck, I am incapable, I am a selfish POS, I am unworthy, I am powerless, I am not good enough, and really mean it, while maintaining a deeper sense of love and freedom within me. It was very liberating and I felt so validated because before I was dismissing my self-judgement and therefore my pain as an illusion or darkness. But my self-judgment really did have some truth to it, as all perspectives do. My character really did suck ass a lot of the time. I really am broken. And after that, I felt like I was in a greater position to surrender myself because I was able to clearly see my own brokenness. For the first time in a long time, my heart felt open and alive. It was not radiating with joy or anything but just being able to feel aliveness was vastly preferable to the brick/black hole it felt like before. I felt so resiliant that I could face my deepest brokenness and still feel okay with a sense of deep love for myself. Then my wife walked in angry at me (for good reason) and stonewalled me. My heart immediately went back to feeling like a black hole. I was astounded at how I could be so skillful at processing my own self-hatred and then the second my wife felt angry at me, I completely closed and was consumed by anger. Upon reflection, I realized that nothing could take away the aliveness in my own heart besides my own closure. Trip 8: 600mg (plugged) This (increased dose) trip was particularly hard to describe. I felt like I was pure spirit and everything was flowing through me in circular patterns. The energy patterns are ancient yet always changing and always fresh. I was taken far far away from ordinary consciousness on a wild journey. It felt like I was made of magic. I traveled to different "rooms" filled with cathedral-like geometry. Breathing was easy and probably the deepest of my life. I felt like this great indescribably good love and light was deep inside of me but it felt dampened and out of reach. I threw up bile and let out some incredibly deep coughs that left my chest and throat sore for days. I was spitting out a thick layer of mucus that continued for five days. I also listed to sofeggio frequencies with nice headphones. I highly recommend this. Then I found Ketamine State yoga (r/KetamineStateYoga) Trip 9: 400mg (plugged) Intention: Embrace my inner fire, invite in Christ energy, practice Ketamine State Yoga (KSY) Pre-Trip: 3 rounds of Wim Hof breathwork Onset: I practiced intuitive breathing with an emphasis on relaxing my brow, throat, and heart chakras. The process was smooth, and there was a relatively small amount of tension compared to previous trips. I listed to Meditative Mind with headphones and I could feel my whole body vibrating in resonance with very little resistance. It felt great. The visuals were subtle but more refined and multi-layered than previous trips. Peak: I practiced the Primary KSY pranayama maybe 12 - 15 times. I quickly realized the value of the sigh and following my breath all the way to the bottom and past the first urge to inhale. Every time I did this, it felt good, and when I made it past the first urge to inhale, it felt like there was a layer of resistance dissolving. It felt like a partial death. I saw a vision of a blue Hindu deity (perhaps Kali). As the resistance dissolved, my awareness of the present deepened. As my awareness deepened, I became aware of more feeling details, like an increase of the resolution of my feelings (720p -> 1080p -> 4k). And as the resolution increased, it felt more and more beautiful. There was no incredible breakthrough moment, just a subtle increase in beauty and pleasantness every time I did the pranayama. Toward the end, I felt this very gentile and alive energy, like I had just begun to wake up from a long restful sleep. Not mind blowing bliss, but just pleasant and clean. I remember feeling great clarity and some point, not feeling much at all - just openness… and that felt really great. I realized I don’t need great pleasure to be satisfied. Simple openness and relative freedom from pain is enough. Some things I remember saying: Death is the dissolution of boundaries. Life begins beyond death. The real death is clinging to life. My purpose is to cultivate freedom- in me, through me, as me. Come down: ate some amazing pumpkin pie but I had family duties to take care of so I didn’t get to practice much KSY. Overall, this was my most pleasant and gentile ketamine experience. I will certainly be doing more KSY when I start another round of treatment. The primary KSY pranayama really is a difference maker and was the biggest missing piece in my practice. Conclusion: Overall, I am incredibly grateful for this experience. Ketamine is an amazing substance with great therapeutic potential. It taught me deep lessons on freedom, presence, breathing, self-love, surrender, Nature, energy, femininity, masculinity, and much more. I plan on doing more ketamine in the future when I have time and can afford it. It has helped me do great healing and i feel considerably more free than when i started. Tips that I'll be applying in the future: Practice Ketamine State Yoga. This practice was instrumental and I look forward to exploring it more, as I only really got a taste. Practice daily meditation and journaling to deepen your trips. Listen to solfeggio frequencies or relaxing lyricless music on a nice speaker/headphones during your trip Hydrate a lot on the come-down to help ease dizziness Give yourself as much interrupted time as possible to trip and integrate. Thanks for reading. I hope this is valuable to someone out there. I'm happy to discuss anything you like. Blessings.

@OBEler Happy to share. 400mg is intense but I love it. I certainly did not build any tolerance because each trip was deeper than the previous. I don't think I was ever truly in a k hole. I never felt completely disassociated from my body. Or maybe I just don't know how to recognize disassociation. But I felt deeply aware of my body, like orders of magnitude more conscious of my body. At the same time, I perceived myself as pure consciousness/mind/spirit/energy. But I still felt connected to my body for the most part. On the other hand, the 600mg trip was pretty wild. I felt pretty far removed from my ordinary ego state, but deeply aware of my "feeling body" the whole time. I'll have a fuller perspective once I explore higher doses.

I'm looking forward to learning about this new substance. I'm getting ready for my first 5-me0 experience (via bufo) next weekend but I'll probably be adding this new substance to the wish list lol.

This topic of relaxing and opening through our automatic reactions is one of the main pillars of the book, "The Untethered Soul". The book came to me in a dream last week and it's woth listening to/reading imo.

2/21/2021 (During Trip) The dream-like thing we call reality is flexing its intelligence. These words might as well be an arrow pointing directly back at you. I love to look for the secret in the words, or to try to figure it out by piecing concepts together but no matter how accurate the words and ideas are, they are a complete and total joke. They utterly fail and conveying the Truth because the fullness, and the essence, of what's really going on can never be conveyed. It simply is. It's right here. It's right now. You can try to capture it and jar it up for the future but you'll never be able to. It is what you are right now. It is this happening. All of it. It's all one perfectly calibrated flex of infinite intelligence, to itself, by itself, and for itself. You can't think your way into it. And you can’t think your way out of it. You are it. The only thing left to do it accept it. If you can. But it's so amazing that you can never truly accept because acceptance is only a thought. So in trying to accept, you may find love, joy, and peace. If you can't find it there, then surely, the only way to find it is by letting go. And perhaps to let go is what it really means to love. Today I learned that what I am is utterly unfuckwithable. I am literally infinite dreaming that just appears out of nowhere. These dreams are an eloquently designed, perfectly calibrated flex of infinite intelligence and love. I am experiencing the dreams while simultaneously creating these dreams on the fly through my will. All logical expiations utterly fail to encapsulate the essence of what I am. Words and logic are elementary school level means of understanding myself. The best way to know what I am is just to notice. I prefer to "think" in imagery combined with knowing or intuition. I can know things that I can't put into words. I can cling to any identity that I create within these dreams but at the end of the day, the identity is just a story, and a false one at that. My true identity is as slippery as a dream. Any time you choose one form or concept within the dream to be your identity, you create that story as if it were reality, or, you make believe play as this identity. When you identify with something, there's a lot of baggage that comes with that. First, the claim is false, so it's fundamentally unsustainable. So, in order to sustain that false story of identity, we have to play the game of maintaining that identity, or, survival. This game of survival once bought into, basically requires that you feel fear in order to maintain the belief. The longer you want to maintain the identity story, the more delusions you have to buy into. Over time, one original delusion of separation becomes twisted into a whole web of beliefs and concepts. As you accumulate these beliefs, you naturally buy into them more and more deeply and the fear necessarily becomes deeper and more complex to maintain such a complex false story. As you accumulate all of these delusions, you also create delusions of unworthiness, shame, guilt, apathy, and anger. We can also choose to go into a dream believing the false story to the point where we've completely forgotten who we actually are. At this point, breaking down this illusion becomes a process of remembering who you are. And who you are is not something that can be identified with. You are the dream, the dream experiencer, and the dream maker, and yet, these are just more concepts that utterly fail to encapsulate the infinite expanse that is you. 2/22/2021 Yesterday, I had the deepest awakening of my life. I became aware that everything within my awareness was made of an unfathomably intelligent material. Any surface I looked at was covered in these gorgeous, intricate mandala flower patterns. At one point I wasn’t sure if the patterns were actually there, meaning I wasn’t sure if other people could see them too. In truth, the patterns were there. They were as real as real gets. I could study them with close observation and the patterns did not waiver. However, reality is not defined by consensus, but rather, subjectivity. Each conscious being is one access point of this infinite source of intelligence. Each access point in connected to the whole and has their own unique reality which is not directly determined by consensus reality. Each being is living in their own dream, experiencing it while simultaneously creating it. Everything within my consciousness is literally me, the true me that is. Even "other people" are truly not other than me. They are simply me appearing in the form of a another person. Any pain I inflict on others, I am directly inflicting onto yourself. Any time I ignore others, I am ignoring myself. Any time I judge others, I judge myself. This not only goes for other conscious being but also for inanimate objects. Objects are equally a part of me as anything else. I am the entire field of consciousness. Anything that arises is me. There is nothing but me. I am everything I experience within this dream. I am the dream itself and I am the source of the dream. These identifications, of course, are not actually true because they are concepts or symbols. These words can point to but not encapsulate or even aptly describe what I actually am. What I am is constantly in flux through changing form yet at the same time is unwaveringly steady and ever-present. Anther concept which points to what I am is Infinite Dreaming. I am seemingly unlimited. As an unlimited creator, I seem to be able to impose limits upon myself as part of my limitless expression. In fact, creation fundamentally must be the expression of limits, without which, form would be undefined and therefore non-existent. Words began to feel very strange during this trip. Words (spoken and thought), or course, are symbols which point to some sort of experience. Even objects are experiences. For example, If I say the word, bread, I'm pointing to the experience of seeing, smelling, tasting, feeling, or hearing bread. Outside of these sensory experience of bread, the bread does not exist, so again, the word points to an experience. Seeing this, I started to think of words as "reality portals". By "going into" and word, you are giving reality to the experience to which the word points. That experience becomes your dream (reality). We can experience realities without using words but we cannot use words without "knowing" the experience to which the words point. If we don’t "know" an experience, which includes the experience of conceptualization, the words would be empty and meaningless. They would be pointing to something that doesn’t exist. From the human egoic level, we use these reality portals as a means of survival. For example, we might enter the reality portal of "should". This experience will create and experience of guilt and fear which will manipulate our behavior to better serve our survival needs. Simultaneously, from the perspective of '"god ego", which is a false conceptual identity designed to mimic True Self, these reality portals are more like games. Each experience is like a computer game which we run for the purpose of experiencing, itself. Words are like the app shortcut which we use to easily run these programs. I wouldn't call this a true ego death experience because I was still clinging to both human ego as well as god ego through the trip, however I felt like I could see through the false story of identification with a high degree of clarity, relative to previous awakening experiences. Thanks for reading!

He means this, right now. Precisely your experience at this moment.

Perhaps some of you can shed some light on this question. When we heal the wounded child aspect of ourselves who is selfish and narcissistic, who is basically SD stage red, can that aspect of ourselves evolve up the spiral? In other words, can we help specific parts of ourselves evolve their individual psychology? Or is it more about healing the fractures within our consciousness that caused these aspects to become individuated in the first place? Or is this relatively primitive selfishness inherent to the subconscious mind and something we must learn to live with? Would love to hear your thoughts.

I appreciate the feedback. This is the first of many experimental projects. I certainly won't be limiting my future projects to info products. But hey, gotta start somewhere!

This course is for people who know they have the potential to live an extraordinary life but just can't seem to break free from old patterns like procrastination, addiction, negative thinking, and self-doubt. For the past 5 months, I've been working on a video course that's designed to help people transform and heal. This is my first major project after taking the Life Purpose Course, and I put over 300 hours of planning and writing into it. I put a lot of critical thought into understanding human beings and what it actually takes to transform in a sustainable and dare I say, effortless way. I really tried to dig down deep to understand the fundamental forces of our psychology in order to provide surgical solutions that will have a profound ripple effect in our lives. I've been watching Actualized.org for six years and a ton of inspiration for this project came from Leo's work, but the course is also full of original insights as well as lessons I pulled from other high-quality resources. I also developed an original healing technique that has helped me tremendously and has been the only technique, in my experience, to facilitate healing experiences comparable to psychedelics. This technique will be included in the course. If you've been doing personal development for a long time and are still struggling to get tangible results with basic things like distraction, addiction, health, and living in alignment with your purpose, this course is perfect for you. I am living and breathing every word in this course and although I'm still young and dumb, I am seeing a radical transformation happen before my eyes. I used to dream about living my purpose while distracting myself with YouTube, vaping, junk food, and weed. I felt disappointed, frustrated, anxious, and overwhelmed. Now, after a few months of applying the techniques in my course, I work on my purpose for hours every single day, I quit vaping, I am free from weed and YouTube addictions, I eat my ideal diet, and the negative emotional patterns have subsided dramatically. I am healing to my core and I want to share that gift with all of you beautiful people. The course will be totally free but I'm just looking for beta testers to try it out early and provide honest feedback so that I can improve it before the final release. I should have it ready for testing within the next week or two. So if you're interested in the course and want to find out more, leave a reply or DM me and I'll be in touch! If you're not sure if this course is for you, you can always just watch the intro video, where I break down more of what to expect and make a decision from there. Much love my friends, and thank you!

One time, I smoked DMT inside a lucid dream and then I asked myself, "What is the dream world actually made of?" I remember picking up a basketball in my dream and asking "What is the actual substance of this basketball." It made sense that everything in the dream world, whether it’s a basketball, the ground, or my body, was made of the same substance, even though things appeared to be separate objects that were just as real as waking reality. Then, something clicked. I thought, "What if everything in waking reality is made of the same substance, just like in the dream world? And if that is the case, what might that substance be?" This allowed me to shift into holistic thinking with a deeper understanding of what my existential questions really mean.

What dreams do you have for your life other than the obvious self-evident ones we see played out through your work? What possible future vision of actualized.org currently excites you the most?

@bazera Just my perspective... indeed, you can fall into ideological traps when reading books, however, reading lots of diverse books is one of the best antidotes to paradigm lock. When you are exposed to hundreds or thousands of in-depth diverse perspectives, it becomes untenable to be trapped in a single ideology. If you read 40 books by the same author or even 40 books operating from the same paradigm or ideology, you're at great risk, even if you are relatively aware of the dangers of ideology. But when you study hundreds of diverse perspectives, you realize that there is some truth to all perspectives. You become a multi-perspectival thinker. In addition, books are so important because they shed light on your ignorance. You don't know what you don't know until learn it. When you learn something, ignorance turns into understanding. Darkness becomes light. The importance of reading books con only be truly understood from the perspective of having already read them. I'm sure you know that feeling of learning something extremely useful that changes the way you see reality and thinking "wow, I can't believe I lived my whole life without this knowledge. This is so important!" There's an infinite sea of books to explore, many with the potential to change your entire life. The more you read, the more you will want to read.